[The Navigator]

Hello all,

I know I don't post here much but I've never forgotten this forum.

We learned the day before yesterday that my wife's 45 year old sister is leaving her husband and their two kids, D11 and S9.  She grew up in the same home as my wife, and had the same parents. Was exposed to the same chaos. And I always suspected that she would do this at some point. They've been married 15 years - the husband was shocked and the kids heartbroken. I am convinced she's in an MLC - not that that matters a bit.

So.....as you can imagine I've spent the last two days completely triggered. My W has been telling her she's out of her mind, that she's leaving a "good guy" just like their mother left their father.

Just felt compelled to come here and write about it.

W and I are OK....about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. I still, 16 years after bomb drop, take every day one at a time. We are never "recovered", weeds will always appear if you allow them to.

Kids are now S15, D14 and S7. They are all OK and doing well. I hope.

Much love to all.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Nav!

Long time, no read......

Sis seems to be following the "family pattern" so I would suspect this adds another notch to the "FOO Issues being a major factor in whether or not someone will go off the deep end" statistics.

I can imagine this is a major trigger for you, having been through it. What will be REALLY interesting is to see how your former MLC'er looks at it and whether or not she sees any parallels to her own MLC.... and whether or not she relates her own path to Sis....

[The Navigator]

I am 100% convinced that how you're raised in your first 10 or so years of life in your "family of origin" determines whether or not you'll have a midlife crisis.

In fact, it's only called a "midlife crisis" because of the time of life during which it typically occurs.

The "explosives" for the MLC are packed into the psyche of the person when they're very young, by the adults who raise them, and they're "detonated" decades later, often when the person is married and with adolescent children.

It doesn't matter who the MLCer marries. The MLC is locked in.

W's other younger sister has had her "wobbles" over the years too ....a few marital dramas many years ago.....but she and her husband seem very much "buddied up" and they have 8 children together.

I've supported several friends who've lost their W's to MLCs over the years and none of the women came from good homes. They all had utterly harrowing upbringings.

[The Navigator]

Went out for coffee with W at lunch time after we had gotten up to mischief 

W's sister - my SIL - came up in conversation. I essentially described the stages of MLC to her without mentioning the term "midlife crisis" or saying "this is what you did". 

I essentially said SIL will go nuts for a couple of years, drink heavily, start whoring herself out on dating apps, have a few one night stands with blokes she meets at bars - her kids will probably complain that she is drunk or hung over when they are staying with her ..... after 18 to 24 months of this there will follow a severe depression and she'll probably try and creep back to her husband etc. etc......

W answered "Yes, that's absolutely what she will do. In fact, Navigator, you should call BIL and forewarn him and tell him to strengthen the kids."

It's sometimes as if W has a memory blank of the things which transpired during her own MLC. Anyway, it's no use dwelling on that......we have a life to get on with.

[FaithWalker]

Nice to "see" you on here Nav.  Sorry it's because the SIL has gone off the deep end.  Dang-it.

[UrsaMajor]

W answered "Yes, that's absolutely what she will do. In fact, Navigator, you should call BIL and forewarn him and tell him to strengthen the kids."

Gotta wonder if there isn't a little twitch in hearing all the things one has done one's self in context of someone else and knowing that this "someone else" is likely on the exact same "Highway to Hades" that one has just travelled themselves.

It's sometimes as if W has a memory blank of the things which transpired during her own MLC. Anyway, it's no use dwelling on that......we have a life to get on with.

Well, you know about that whole "compartmentalization" thing that Mid-Lifers do....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2g5Hz17C4is&pp=ygUMSXQgd2Fzbid0IG1l

[Baxter1]

I appreciate you sharing your story, gives me some hope. Also it is uncanny how your SIL is following the exact same path. And I do hope that BIL has the strength to get though this, they are going to need dad now more then ever.

[mcm64d]

I don't know about uncanny Baxter. A few years back, my ex sil did something similar to her long-term live in boyfriend and almost the same age as my ex wife did to me.

[The Navigator]

It might well appear “uncanny” to the uninitiated but to me, 17 years after bomb drop and after thousands of hours reading and studying marriage and MLC, SIL doing this was 100% predictable.

She is cut from the same cloth as my W, was raised by the same adults as W, only my W had 4 extra years of her father at home than SIL did. From the age of 3 onwards, SIL saw very little of her dad.

W and I were 31 at bomb drop. The triggers at a relatively young age for MLC were living in a foreign country where we knew no one, a miscarriage, and me, the man she married, being a selfish, verbally abusive jerk. I had become my father.

SIL, on the other hand, married a well-raised, stable, conscientious and morally upright man who, during the course of their marriage, had built up a multi-million dollar business. I’ve always gotten on very well with him and I’ll sincerely miss him. When W and I paid off all our debt years ago he was the only one who heartily congratulated us.

So with SIL it took longer to trigger her but it was always going to happen and it wouldn’t have mattered whom she married. She’s told W she “just wants to focus on her art”. Not at all interested in her marriage. I hope to [insert Higher Power] that BIL has a solid pre-nup in place. Giving a wad of cash to SIL would be like giving a loaded gun to a drunk, figuratively and literally.

My SIL said to me a couple of years ago that other apes raise their children far better than my MIL raised W, SIL and SIL2. And frankly I agree with her.

[The Navigator]

W and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary earlier this week.

I had the day off work, we went out for coffee in the morning after doing some grocery shopping and taking the youngest child to school, got a pastry, then went out for lunch after hanging out a bit longer. Lots of chatting, some laughs.

We were supposed to have a few games of pool before lunchtime but our favourite pool hangout was closed.

Another coffee after lunch which was cut short when the phone rang from the school, saying our little boy had fallen over on the ice, his nose was bleeding and could we come and pick him up?

KFC for dinner in the evening - this was for the kids because they didn't think it was "fair" that W and I get treats on our anniversary and they wanted to be included.

W seemed very happy with the gifts I got her, saying they were "Excatly what she likes".

Predictably, conversation turned to W's sister who is aged 45 and has left her husband, obviously at the beginning stages of an MLC.

W said in classic Dirty Harry fashion "The question you have to ask yourself is....is the misery the result of what was happening in SIL's outer world, or does the unhappiness actually live in SIL herself? I'd say it's actually inside SIL. Your thoughts?"

I agreed that SIL's misery is 100% inside her - that's what MLC is after all, unresolved chaos and grief from long long ago coming for the person carrying it around.

I'm still stunned that bomb drop was 17 years ago and that, at the time of writing, W and I live under one roof, raise and care for our children together, seem to enjoy each other and have an active sex life. I've no idea how we survived up until this point.