[MadLuv]

Gman!!! That is exactly it!!

 My XH seemed so sweet, but as time went on he just wasn’t someone open to easily share deeply or engage in difficult conversations. We then can feel we have invested all this time maybe that will change or we can help them open up etc.  The red flags cant be ignored and I think that is something we learn as well. I’m with you. I just want deeper commitment, communication and not fight for  interactions and the basics in life. So, Im in total agreement!!!

[AlvinTheMaker]

I just want deeper commitment, communication and not fight for  interactions and the basics in life.

Don't we all 

Not much news on my story except W entering 'deeper stages' of  her trauma therapy next week. Lots of 'fun stuff' like frequent nightmares, mood swings and 'chase of beauty' in the air right now.

As for me...still focusing on being the lighthouse. Being trusted and visible when she needs me.  But not pushing in any way for my needs ATM. On best days I'm mr.Wonderfull (touch), on worst days not so much (and go).

Lately I've been focusing on my health issues. I bought one of those 'midlife' lab packages that checks pretty much everything. It seems my thyroid is all whacked up. Not great news, but at least it is something that can be treated. On the upside, no signs of andropause (yet😅).

One day at a time.

Alvin

[AlvinTheMaker]

A bit of news from XW for a change... Through kids of course,LOL.

XW has officially taken back her maiden name. Zero feelings from my part except it would have been nice to be informed (by her) in case there is need of official contact (about kids) some day.  Oh well, if it helps her finding identity or something then by all means. To my son she had explained that there is another person with  same initials at her work, and because it is so confusing during Teams meetings, she goes back to her maiden name. Um, yeah, lol.

What's bit more weird is that she plans to visit the rural town I am from next year with my son. AFAIKshe has zero ties there besides me and summers spent together as a family.  It would be wrong to say I feel alarmed, but bit uneasy maybe.  But let's see how this unwinds.

Elsewhere....  Current W is definitely cooking in midlife transition/crisis of her own. Good days and bad days - maybe more the latter right now. Though things are pretty raw at times, I do feel blessed and grateful for all things I have learned from XW's MLC. Just stand back, detach and let things unfold without any interference goes a long way when your partner is in state of internal chaos.

One day at a time.

Alvin

[Biscuit]

Alvin,

Sorry you're going through another MLC / MLT experience - that's something I'm sure you didn't expect again. However, like you say, you've learned so much from XW's MLC that you're perfectly positioned and prepared to handle the experience and maybe even mitigate the worst of it, at least how it effects you.

B

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi Biscuit,

All true....  Despite the sitch (or maybe because) I feel I have reached closure. On past, present and future.

I feel I have reached the end on my quest for "what MLC is and why it happens".  The below may not say much to most, but right now I firmly believe MLC is emotional/cognitive network becoming activated by some triggering (external/internal) event (normal part), and then left open (the problem).

Does not say much when put like that😂 But it effectively covers all I know of MLC using  psychological terminology. And it also explains everything the veterans (and my personal experiences) says "works".

But yeh, there it is. Something I feel I can truly "believe". Peace for my soul.   And a good place to continue one day at a time.

Alvin.

[TheShore]

…I feel I have reached the end on my quest for "what MLC is and why it happens".  The below may not say much to most, but right now I firmly believe MLC is emotional/cognitive network becoming activated by some triggering (external/internal) event (normal part), and then left open (the problem)…

Alvin, do you feel that activation happens because of missing/surprised coping skills because of trauma experienced earlier in life?  Do you think that fits in somehow?

[TheShore]

…I feel I have reached the end on my quest for "what MLC is and why it happens".  The below may not say much to most, but right now I firmly believe MLC is emotional/cognitive network becoming activated by some triggering (external/internal) event (normal part), and then left open (the problem)…

Alvin, do you feel that activation happens because of missing/surprised coping skills because of trauma experienced earlier in life?  Do you think that fits in somehow?

Whoops...meant to write surpressed (not surprised)

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi Norianxx,

Activation is normal – it happens to everyone. But the network remaining open… there lies the rub.

It stays open because earlier trauma left the person without the skills to regulate or integrate what’s surfacing. This is the internal root factor.

But it’s more complex than that: the process is also shaped by external reinforcements. Once the network is open, the environment (FOO, LBS, anyone trusted) either helps it close (safe space, calm presence, clear boundaries) or keeps it wide open (criticism, conflict, enabling, emotional volatility).

Here’s the paradox: the LBS’s normal, human emotional reactions during and after the bomb drop often amplify the loop and make it stronger. And attempts to “nice it out” usually fail too, because familiarity itself can feel suffocating and even threatening control to an already unsettled nervous system.

So how this ties together with what Sue Johnson, Gottman etc say.....

Attachment wounds = internal root factor (why the network opens and doesn’t close).

Gottman’s dynamics = external reinforcement (why the environment often worsens the loop).

As sad as it is, the LBS’s best chance of helping isn’t fixing, but minimizing external reinforcement while the MLCrs brain tries to rebuild integration.

And because everything exists on a spectrum, how this plays out is highly individual.

Alvin.

[TheShore]

Hi Norianxx,

Activation is normal – it happens to everyone. But the network remaining open… there lies the rub.

It stays open because earlier trauma left the person without the skills to regulate or integrate what’s surfacing. This is the internal root factor.

But it’s more complex than that: the process is also shaped by external reinforcements. Once the network is open, the environment (FOO, LBS, anyone trusted) either helps it close (safe space, calm presence, clear boundaries) or keeps it wide open (criticism, conflict, enabling, emotional volatility).

Here’s the paradox: the LBS’s normal, human emotional reactions during and after the bomb drop often amplify the loop and make it stronger. And attempts to “nice it out” usually fail too, because familiarity itself can feel suffocating and even threatening control to an already unsettled nervous system.

So how this ties together with what Sue Johnson, Gottman etc say.....

Attachment wounds = internal root factor (why the network opens and doesn’t close).

Gottman’s dynamics = external reinforcement (why the environment often worsens the loop).

As sad as it is, the LBS’s best chance of helping isn’t fixing, but minimizing external reinforcement while the MLCrs brain tries to rebuild integration.

And because everything exists on a spectrum, how this plays out is highly individual.

Alvin.

Wow, thx for the deep intellectual and detailed response, very helpful.

I really enjoy feedback like this.  I do read it once, but try not to get caught in an analysis paralysis —>  I gotta life to live and have to put these principles in application 😀