[TheShore]

@Biscuit + @Treasur

Appreciate the feedback, very helpful.  The mind is clearer now.

[TheShore]

Lol, another question…

So my birthday is coming up this weekend, I think W totally forgot
She’s asking me (telling me) to “pick something” in regards to a gift from the kiddoz
I’m tempted to tell her to figure it out herself
Or something simple like cards, candy, etc…
Thoughts?

PS - I did ask her what she wanted for Mother’s Day in May and didn’t get good feedback… we DEFINITELY got her a lot of good stuff/we know what she likes/wants…maybe that was a mistake 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Treasur]

Can’t recall how old your kids are, but I’d let the kids figure it out for themselves or maybe ask them to draw you a nice card. And maybe take the kids, without your wife, out for a nice birthday brunch or a nice activity or pizza or something similar. Imho it’s important to teach kids to see the importance of doing nice things for other peoples birthdays not just expect things for their own birthdays - a bit of civilising for young humans lol - but of course the gift per se doesn’t matter, does it?

Basically, anything that would please you that does not require anything from or involve her.  And perhaps arrange a celebratory beverage or activity with a friend (again without your wife) as your adult treat to yourself? What kind of things do you like doing?

But expect zip from her. Nothing. She may not even acknowledge it. Essentially, celebrate with friends and your kids in much the same way you would if you were already an ex-husband with his own independent life.

Oh, and an early Happy Birthday from us! These Firsts are always tough, but it gets easier 🎂

[TheShore]

Can’t recall how old your kids are, but I’d let the kids figure it out for themselves or maybe ask them to draw you a nice card. And maybe take the kids, without your wife, out for a nice birthday brunch or a nice activity or pizza or something similar. Imho it’s important to teach kids to see the importance of doing nice things for other peoples birthdays not just expect things for their own birthdays - a bit of civilising for young humans lol - but of course the gift per se doesn’t matter, does it?

Basically, anything that would please you that does not require anything from or involve her.  And perhaps arrange a celebratory beverage or activity with a friend (again without your wife) as your adult treat to yourself? What kind of things do you like doing?

But expect zip from her. Nothing. She may not even acknowledge it. Essentially, celebrate with friends and your kids in much the same way you would if you were already an ex-husband with his own independent life.

Oh, and an early Happy Birthday from us! These Firsts are always tough, but it gets easier 🎂

Thanks for the quick feedback, kiddoz are S8 and D10

I already have made some plans 😀
Friday - bowling
Saturday - iFly and Dinner
Sunday - Top golf
Maybe squeeze in some pool time at the athletic club.  All events with the kids and open invitation to all my buds. (it's always hard for friends to get together, because, you know, family stuff...we usually have to plan months in advance)

I didn’t reply back to the W and I don’t think I will.  If I get pressed in a conversation or something by the W, I’m going to tell her I got it, don’t worry and go from there.

Again, I think she totally forgot (expected)… I asked about if the kids had any plans this weekend.   She replied with saying that she’s going up north to her moms place for fireworks and was thinking about taking the kids.  I kindly reminded her it was my birthday weekend.  She lol’ed and said, “I remembered that when I got up to pee at 4AM”. (Yea, right 🙄)

Anyways, thanks for the early birthday wishes.  Looking forward to the jam packed weekend of fun!

[JohnnyBravo]

Anyways, I’ll ask here: I know you are supposed to let the MLCers solve their own problems, but where do you draw the line?  Do you do their laundry?  Pick up/clean up their room because they can’t even do that atm (I don’t want our kids hanging out in a mess)?  Ask them if they want dinner?  Help them move out?  Help them with the divorce?

Hi, Norianxx

From my perspective, as long as you're helping without expectations, it's whatever you feel comfortable with. I helped my ex wife move into her sister's house, which was only about a mile away. (She bought me lunch in exchange.) Sometimes I wonder if I should have let her do everything, but she did move things into the front room during the day, and rented a truck for the few large items. I also preferred me helping vs. having odd movers that I didn't hire in the house, or heaven forbid a boyfriend. (I don't think there was one at the time, but in the last months she posted a couple of impishly smiling photos on Facebook, and she sure as heck wasn't smiling at me...)

I did draw the line at helping with the divorce. She sent a text message saying I needed to contact my atty to start things, and I told her that she wanted this, she has an atty, and knows who my atty is, so she could kick things off. I responded promptly for any paperwork, documents, etc. that my atty needed, no hindering.

Sounds like you're on a pretty even keel. Hang in there!

JB

[TheShore]

@JohnnyBravo,

Thanks for the reply.  I definitely have the mindset of no expectations… but that’s how I should be with my love, unconditional.   Lately, I’ve set the boundary of not helping her with personal things like her laundry, food, room cleanliness, etc…. W can solve her own problems.  I got a lot of other things to do: kids, work, bills, laundry, meals, clean, home projects, dishes, entertainment, hobbies… you know, life.  My family with one less.

In regards to D stuff, I’m prompt with my side, but WILL NOT help W with anything legally on her side.  I confirmed with my representation that I don’t have to and won’t get in trouble. 

If she does ask for help, I’ll will (with home stuff that is).  I’m not a monster.  My mind says no but my heart/body says yes (I heard someone say something like that, maybe it was RCR in one of her Q&A’s)

Things between us have been quiet the last ~24+ hours after the bday text exchange.  We did have therapy scheduled together last night (that she recommended months ago).  She skipped last night’s session (as well as the prior session), no mention of it or heads up.  I’m not surprised, it’s more talk about the relationship, evade and avoid.  I briefly saw her in the kitchen this morning and gave her a polite good morning.  She was complaining about cramps (that time of the month), I didn’t engage.  I really think she should get her hormone levels checked… there are some signs imo that I won’t get into detail here unless needed.

Trying to be a ghost - most if not all interactions will be considered pressure.  Pressure about the relationship.  Pressure to divorce.  Someone PM’ed me with some advice and it really hit home.

Working from home today - kiddoz are wild and running around and fun.  Have a nice day all and thanks in advance.

[TheShore]

Changed my display name - TheShore
Just in case someone does an internet search…

[TheShore]

Hey all,

Going to do a little journaling here (should the type and/or name of the thread be changed?)

Anyways, fun day today, started off the birthday weekend right.  Hung out with the kiddoz all day: car wash, let them pick out some cards and gifts for me, donuts, burgers for lunch, mall/shopping, got cookies and cupcakes for actual birthday, movies, burgers for dinner, bowling and arcade.  Jam packed!

The wife didn’t like that I had the kids buy presents for me.  I told her again I wasn’t making a point and not to worry about it, left it at that.  She’s definitely not looking out for me and acts nice/empathy returns when she’s about to take bad actions against me.  Surprisingly, she joined us for dinner burgers and bowling/arcade 🤷‍♂️. Not much chat between us, I didn’t start topics or a conversation with her directly but joined when prompted and I was in a joyful mood.  Just happy to have a fun day for me for once.

I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking.  Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D.  Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down.  And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate.  I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want.  I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R.  I guess time will tell but I visit here often to read stories and listen to RCRs YouTube vids every night to keep a good mindset.

See y’all at the next post

PS - we need a discord chat, not sure where to post that?

PSS - the DB forum is sooooo sloooow… I would like to post there to in order to hit another audience, but due to site speed, it’s almost impossible

[OffRoad]

I changed this to My Story, since it is your story. This will be your thread and you can journal as much as you like. It helps to write it out.

[OffRoad]

And BTW, Happy Late Birthday! That was a great thing you did for the kids and yourself for your birthday!