[Arcticfox]

Again such a spot on comment!

And you are right KayDee, I think that the marital problem for H was that I have been distracted by S17´s health problems for about 3 years. And before this, I have always turned to H for emotional support. He has no emotional skills really but has always been there to hug me and say things will be all right. But now I tried to burden him less with how I have struggled emotionally, as he was sort of trialing up for the leadership position at work, this was really important for us both that he gets the position. But probably there was a mistake. And meanwhile, the WW was turning to my H and telling him of her personal problems which probably made him feel important. Lesson learned for me but kind of late and the hard way…

Indeed I do not know how he will be able to pull out of this living alone. His own emotional coping skills have been locking bad feelings out, doing sports, and alcohol. Not good. But I will need to right my ship and try to keep course in this metaphorical storm. And time will tell which port I will end up in. I understand I can´t help him now, I must leave him to solve this crisis on his own and save myself.

[marvin4242]

Thank you WHY

H says he wants to be separated and live as a single person but not divorce. (No legal separation in my country and no laws against adultery). He has said that he wishes that I would wait for him but does not want to ask, because he does not know what decision he will make in the end (whether he will want to return home).

Sorry you are here and you are getting great advice from others so I have just been reading. But I want to emphasize how much this is a repeating pattern, that we all initially want to think it isn't. But the crises is theirs and has nothing to do with you. And nothing they say means anything, even if they want it to mean something.

Just so you know my wife said exactly the same things EIGHT YEARS ago, and even said its only for one year. Let me assure you eight years later nothing has changed, she is just as disordered if not more, still running around out of control, and will simultaneously say she is NEVER coming back then spend 1.5 years at our house while I stay away. And she says she is never coming back but also says there is no reason for us to ever get a divorce.

Live your life, protect yourself. If anything changes you can always think about it then. Meanwhile acceptance that your H is on a long and potentially never ending new journey is critical.

[Arcticfox]

This is also a very good point.

H has always been a man of his word so it has been hard for me to realize I can´t trust what he says any more. And for what it´s worth he has often said after BD that what he says is what´s on his mind that moment and it keeps changing. I guess ”I wish you would wait” is like tossing a lifebuoy to a drowning person: of course I grab it desperately even if it came with no promises. But he has also TWICE said he thinks we will probably divorce in the end, and he will regret it when I have moved on and it is too late - and this I didn´t want to believe. Because of my personal preference at the moment.


 Oh well. I try to take to heart the great advice to concentrate on my own life and well-being. And the boys. For now it is incidentally the same as standing. I hope to be able to keep this house for 4 more years until both teens have graduated high school. And heal from having my heart ripped out by the person I loved the most in this world. But time will tell what happens. (Not saying I will stand for 4 years. But I feel that after the sale of the house we built together to be our forever home, it might well be too late for reconciliation from my point of view. Not making any decisions, just how I feel now.)

Thank you WHY

H says he wants to be separated and live as a single person but not divorce. (No legal separation in my country and no laws against adultery). He has said that he wishes that I would wait for him but does not want to ask, because he does not know what decision he will make in the end (whether he will want to return home).

Sorry you are here and you are getting great advice from others so I have just been reading. But I want to emphasize how much this is a repeating pattern, that we all initially want to think it isn't. But the crises is theirs and has nothing to do with you. And nothing they say means anything, even if they want it to mean something.

Just so you know my wife said exactly the same things EIGHT YEARS ago, and even said its only for one year. Let me assure you eight years later nothing has changed, she is just as disordered if not more, still running around out of control, and will simultaneously say she is NEVER coming back then spend 1.5 years at our house while I stay away. And she says she is never coming back but also says there is no reason for us to ever get a divorce.

Live your life, protect yourself. If anything changes you can always think about it then. Meanwhile acceptance that your H is on a long and potentially never ending new journey is critical.

[Treasur]

You might not feel like it, AF, but I cannot find good enough words to say how smart and wise you come across as on the page. Which, given that this is perhaps the worst time of your life and when you feel most bewildered, is really saying something. It’s impressive tbh and I’d happily bet on Team You in building a good next life chapter regardless 😜

[Biscuit]

Agreed Treasur,

If it were a 2 horse race I'm betting it all on AF to come out winning over your H - you seem like you're doing incredibly well AF (good name btw). You're getting some really good advice from some folks that have been through this and have come out thriving.

Sorry you're here, it's a $h!teshow for sure but you've ended up on here, and that alone shows that you care a great deal more than most that get a crappy hand in a relationship.

I wish I'd listened more to the veterans on here at the beginning and concentrated on my own healing and welfare. If you're standing then ultimately pivoting your attention to your own needs and that of your kids right now will make zero impact on any reconciliation or reconnection chances later on the line but will benefit you greatly. In the frist few months / years of MLC we're usually pretty invisible to the spouse that we hold in such high regard. The best you can do is be polite to them and concentrate on yourself

[Arcticfox]

Thank you Treasur and Biscuit! I appreciate your words so much. It is not true but I have been feeling very small and stupid lately. And it is very hard to not concentrate on the crazy antics of the MLCer or the fate of the relationship that was in the center of my world, instead of things that feel less pressing. But I will do my best to take care of myself and the kids, and forgive myself for being only a human. Thank God I found this site and Forum, otherwise I would feel even more lost right now.

H suddenly monstered on me yesterday after seeking my company and having what felt a deep and meaningful discussion. Suddenly he got really angry and started accusing me of all kinds of horrible things that are not true. Frankly for a moment I thought he lost his mind for a while and couldn´t calm down. He has never been like that before MLC. Later he apologized and a bit after that started reminiscing WW aloud, not by name but I know who he meant with the wistful ”some people can energise another with a happy smile”… bit later he was all hugs and kisses over me for half an hour. I just try my best to detach and not react to whatever he does at the moment.

I am sure the WW is actually a nice person. But as she does not reciprocate H´s feelings, he can go on and on living in a fantasy how perfect everything would be if they were together. And he misses out that there is a woman at home who is the mother of his children and willing to actually love him. I´m not bad looking either. But there´s nothing that will bring him to his senses I know.

[UrsaMajor]

H suddenly monstered on me yesterday after seeking my company and having what felt a deep and meaningful discussion. Suddenly he got really angry and started accusing me of all kinds of horrible things that are not true. Frankly for a moment I thought he lost his mind for a while and couldn´t calm down. He has never been like that before MLC. Later he apologized and a bit after that started reminiscing WW aloud, not by name but I know who he meant with the wistful ”some people can energise another with a happy smile”… bit later he was all hugs and kisses over me for half an hour. I just try my best to detach and not react to whatever he does at the moment.

Another textbook ("MLC for Dummies")  example of ... well.... a Mid-Lifer. I am sorry to say that you MIGHT (no guarantees) see more and more of this behaviour as he starts to spiral more and more out of control. MLCxW1 went off on rages like Godzilla with Rabies on a bad hair day while MLCxW2 just "got sick" and couldn't cope with the outside world (read "depression")  so your mileage may vary.

However, the "mood du jour" is likely to be quite mercurial.... It sounds as if you handled it really well though - not engaging, not taking the bait to argue (which really does nothing more than giving them a justification for doing what they are doing), and simply nodding along an making non-committal noises like "Uh-huh" and "Hmmmm ...."

[Arcticfox]

You´re right Ursa, I have noticed that the noncommittal sounds just to let him know I hear him seem to be the best way to get him to calm down. Mostly he is quite normal though and that also seems kind of weird to me, as he is moving out of here and does not want to live with me, but he just goes through the motions of daily life, does small talk with me like there´s nothing going on? And less than two weeks ago he had another horrible rage that lasted for two hours (he was threatening to kill a person who was not present, who he though might contact WW, was clenching his fists and teeth and hissing at me that he will kill if that happens and that he wants divorce real fast). Okay yesterday I told him I never saw him like that, except that other day. And he didn´t remember having had a two hour rage culminating in a hissy fit? But I´d guess that is normal MLC as well?

[marvin4242]

Nothing about MLC is normal, but yes this kind of disordered and nonsensical behavior is the norm. Honestly as hard as it is you have to detach, not engage, offer no observations, no commentary. If you have to be around him just acknowledge things with no commitment or emotion, no matter how hard it is don't offer help, advice or observations. Anything and everything you do will simply be turned around or cause some kind of reaction, trust me. And whatever you suggest, no matter how sensical, will suddenly be the wrong thing (sky is not up, etc).

Try to keep reminding yourself that due to a significant psychological event this is no longer the person you know, and no normal emotional or logical rules apply. You are around a person who is internally fractured and spewing out negative emotions they can not contain. So think of it as being around an out of control set of spinning blades, how will getting near that or trying to touch any of it be good for you?

[Arcticfox]

I love the spinning blades figure of speech marvin4242, that sums the situation up accurately!