I'm 2nd oldest, first born girl, I have a younger sister and brother. Alder had a pretty good theory going but I found you have to kind of look at several aspects to really get a good grasp of how that order pertains to yourself. I know that I hold both 1st and 2nd order aspects but not like how I would have thought. I am overly responsible and I am supposed to be in competition with the first born. I have always been in competition with my mom who is only 17 years older than I am. It took my personality psychology class to figure that one out.
Freud has some good stuff too if you take a look at stages of development. My is oral fixation and I just let go of my Oedipus/Electra complex which should have been done back in the early days. That's the competition with the same sex parent for the affections of the parent of the opposite sex. It's crazy what I learned about myself during that class.
I was always in competition with her when it came to men, pregnancies, lengths of marriages, you name it I probably threw it in her face that I was better than her. I remember I would remind her that I lasted in a marriage longer, waited longer to have kids (I was 19 she was 17), I raised my kids better than her, oh God I was horrible. I hated my mom but once I understood some of the reasonings behind it I started to forgive myself for it. My mom would date men that were the age of my husband as I date about 3-5 years older than me and she dated men 10-15 years younger than her.
I let go of a lot of hatred toward my mom in that class. It was very freeing especially since I have not wanted to have much to do with my mom for at least 24 years. I love my mom like I have never loved her and I not only tell her but I show her. I have learned lot about my mom like she was sexually abuse as a child, only once, even once can have a lasting effect. I am the only one in our family who knows it except her mom. It was freeing for her to tell me that but I also understand better why she had so many men come in and out of our lives. It's part of it, promiscuity. She never sought counseling for it but it seemed to help her acknowledging that it happened.
I volunteer in the BBBS program and my first little sister was sexually abused. I was asked if I had been because we all know people come to us for a reason and I said no but my immediate thoughts were my mom and my MLCer. I could see him being sexually abused by his brother when he was growing up. Just from the stories I have heard of his background. Hopefully someday I will get the opportunity to ask him because I will when the time is right. Especially since I saw how freeing it was for my mom and he knows I would only ask him out of genuine concern and he knows he's emotionally safe with me. He knows I won't blame him or look down on him it's not who I am. I know if it did happened he feels shame and blame because of it.
He has so much to come to terms with and I am glad I decided to stand because he really does deserve someone on his side, despite the pain he caused me ,when he has had the world against him most of his. I can let him deal with his own stuff because I know at some time he will need/want my help.
I've been in bachelor's program in psychology most of the time he has been gone. I graduate in 5 weeks and then I will take some time of just to celebrate me before I start my master's program. I am almost feeling resentful for being in school right now because since I have found another side of myself I just want to really dig deeper into knowing but sometimes homework gets in the way. My Master's degere is going to be in marriage/family counseling with a focus on crisis/trauma. I will be good at it look what I'm going through. I'm still here after 3 years feeling much stronger and more confident and I have a new found love, ME.
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