[Mermaid]

Sure feelings can change down the road.  But it's like those feelings down the road also get rewritten, just like her feelings now have been rewritten.
And that's what I'll never understand.  How can someone just rewrite feelings like that?  And these are not small feelings.  It's feelings of "let me inflict maximum torture and pain" to "I always loved you more than anything".

We rewrite everything, all the time. Perhaps not as dramatically as they do in midlife, however.
Rewriting is a way of making sense of our lives, of protecting our ego, and separating ourselves from what we felt repressed us. It is not necessarily a reflection of any external truth.

My H projected all his pain on me. Projection is a psychological defense mechanism; something in their lives has gone wrong and feels unbearable and the pain is externalised, often onto the closest person. In my H's case, that was me, but also his mother and, to a certain extent, his children (who he felt alienated from as they went through their teen years).

That is why it is vital to let go; we need to protect ourselves (firstly), become complete in ourselves (vitally) and let our spouse work out what their own problems are. If they realise that we are not their problem, they may come back. Please don't wait for this, because that will mean we have not grown. Accepting their return has to be on new terms, both must have grown.

In my case, the tables turned; I had so long admired my H, put him on a pedestal, that I empowered him. Now I realise that he needs me perhaps more than I need him, but our relationship is much more balanced, and we're probably happier now than ever.

[Songanddance]

That is why it is vital to let go; we need to protect ourselves (firstly), become complete in ourselves (vitally) and let our spouse work out what their own problems are. If they realise that we are not their problem, they may come back. Please don't wait for this, because that will mean we have not grown. Accepting their return has to be on new terms, both must have grown.

THIS AND THIS!

In my case, the tables turned; I had so long admired my H, put him on a pedestal, that I empowered him. Now I realise that he needs me perhaps more than I need him, but our relationship is much more balanced, and we're probably happier now than ever.

[mcm64d]

S and D I couldn't agree more.

Been a lot of talk on here recently about statistics of those who return and who don't return and whether its correct to believe in reconciliation or not and all the while none of it matters. There is no right answer and everyone has different circumstances although the overriding premise is the same.

The future is always uncertain no matter what.... why worry oneself over it? Cannot control it. Whatever one worries about may never come true.....

JUst try to be the best person you can be and whatever happens, happens.

Please do not misunderstand. Divorce sucks. I miss my wife everyday. I think about her everyday. But cannot control anything else and I try to make things positive.