Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Archives => Story Threads 2022 => Topic started by: STP on May 18, 2020, 11:05:52 AM

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on May 18, 2020, 11:05:52 AM
Welcome to my latest thread. What new fun awaits?
My first bomb drop was 11/09. I stood and we reconciled in 9/10. Second bomb drop 4/16. Divorced 9/16

S27 & S25 - live together in former family home 5 miles away S27 bought from me.
S20 & S18 - live with XW & OM a mile away from their brothers. S18 will go away to college Fall '20

KA - Six years younger, we began dating 2/18 and see each other Tuesdays and weekends alternating houses depending if she has her D7. Her father age 80+ lives with them. Her best friend is LD.

MM - my woman best friend who is married, but her dying H is confined to bed for the last 20+ years. Some have said she loves me?
JS - my best guy friend who is overly serious which is why women don’t like him!
DC - an interested woman in a four year relationship. There is a secret attraction between us. We were last intimate a year ago.

—FORMER GIRLFRIENDS in reverse order—
AF - I gave her up to try with CH again. That didn't happen. No contact. 11/17-12/17
CH - loved her but she dumped me. Many mutual friends. No contact. 9/16-11/17. Unblocked me 5/20 on Facebook.
AG - 11 yrs younger I dated her same time as CH. A friend now, I don’t see. 8/16-12/16
GW - rebound while separated. No contact. 6/16-7/16

XW - we were married 25 years, she is now married to OM since 12/18
OM - former husband of BF for 25 years, he no longer sees his kids. I hate him and wish him harm. We have not exchanged any words since before I discovered their affair.
BF - former best friend of XW for 22 years, lives with her kids a state away and has no contact with her ex, the OM. She has a boyfriend.

I had a very active social life throwing a party at my home monthly attended by no less than 20 people. This ended due to the pandemic as well as activities with a hiking group and a singles group I belong to. I basically see my gf KA, her family and coworkers as I continue to work. XW and I rarely communicate but lately about S18s college tuition.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10460.0 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10460.0)
My very first thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4735.msg300673#msg300673 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4735.msg300673#msg300673)
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on May 29, 2020, 06:00:20 AM

Not much happening with all social activity closed up. DC and I chat periodically as I know she very actively follows me on facebook and yesterday sent me a pic of herself in a dress.

I have several friends who I think of as the partiers and they seem to have no regard to social distancing. One suggested I have another wine party. haha, no. Another wants me to organize a hike. Not yet. Just 'cause the states opening up that's for businesses and not really for chummy socializing in my house.

KA is coming over tonight for the weekend. Continuing my pizza taste test for the local restaurants. I'm still running a lot lately and just ran 7.7 miles which is my longest jog in ten years. While shirtless in the country, I saw XWs car coming. If she waved it was before reaching me. I wonder what she thought passing me?

Hands washed, fingers crossed. Be careful out there so we may post again one day.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on May 29, 2020, 06:24:19 AM

Your cast and dialogue cracked me up. It also reminded me of my mom's soap operas she used to watch. All these characters all intertwined and connected to one family or character. In you case is the "Loves and Life of STP".

Coronavirus has certainly shut down our ability to celebrate and mingle hasn't it? No graduations, no weddings, no birthday parties. Nada, nothing....just the people in the house gathered around and this it about it.

KA is coming over tonight for the weekend. Continuing my pizza taste test for the local restaurants.

Nice. I am planning on taking my wife out to eat at a restaurant tonight. Don't know if we will be able to get in as the rules are very strict. Just be nice to get out, sit down, and order a nice meal from someone wearing a mask. LOL

I hope you have a great weekend, enjoy your pizza, and be careful running without your shirt on, you're tempting a lot of ladies out there on the road.

High five,


Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 02, 2020, 12:15:56 PM
Thanks for you comment Ready,

Reminded me I did have a passing car passenger scream out to me last week. Hey, I guess I still have it. lol. I'm at 229 miles for the year which is ahead of my schedule to run 550. I've been trying to be productive and get things done as well as get a pizza from every place within 15 mins of my home.

I recently requested a service to transfer a dozen VHS tapes to digital files of when my kids were babies. $13 a tape. Most of the 20+ year old footage of my kids was shot by my mom. I had asked XW back in Oct about paying for half and will remind her soon I am proceeding with the service.

A woman friend of mine yesterday asked me to make her birthday invite for her party this Sat. She's a complete airhead. What about social distancing? She doesn't appear to care. KA and I will not be going. If there was justice I'd want it to befall those that ignore safety warnings.

People have been very serious as of late with all the protests and riots and I'm trying to keep joy alive by being entertaining. KA is coming over tonight and rather than the usual, we will take a short hike or go sit on the beach. I'm less than 2 miles from Lake Michigan and it's almost 90º today in NW Indiana. The water level is 10" higher than last year and the shore has eroded away with 4 beaches closed.

I thought of setting up my 4' deep, 15' round pool to avoid the beaches and S20 brought it over from S27s house for me but the mice had eaten holes in it since I last used it in 2015. KA has offered to give me her identical pool as she just bought a 30' pool to be permanently installed next month. It's a lot of work to maintain and S18 said XW and OM have the same 15' pool thus doubt my kids would swim in mine. I had thoughts of inviting MM, or my yoga instructor realtor DS or woman friend DC over to hang out in it if I set it up.  ??? I'm not that bold and won't bother to do such and will be content to swim in KAs every other weekend.

Finally bought a dishwasher after 11 months without one in my new home. I installed it last night but needing a part for water hookup. I've given thought to leading a hike of hand picked friends but I'd be vigilant about space around me and right now it's not that attractive an idea.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 22, 2020, 11:10:19 AM

Hi all. I hope you are well. I've been busy continuing life as it has become. A lot of running miles and the usual weekday activities.

The vhs video tapes of my kids I sent away to become digital files came back with poor results. They said 12 of 17 have mold and they wont process. I find that hard to believe and will seek out another service. Happily each of my 4 kids most recent tape is being converted. Also the first video of XW and I goofing around in front of the camera. I'm not sure why I even will pay $10 for that footage but it's kinda neat to see us interact just 2 months after meeting. Maybe it will hurt to watch? Maybe I'll laugh at how goofy I was? More than likely I'll just pay to have it exist and never watch. XW will pay half and I won't charge her for that tape of us. She'd have even less interest in watching it?

KA and I declined an annual pool party we went to the last two years. Apparently several of my friends think the pandemic isn't a worry, they don't care or have parents who'd be harmed by it. I just smh and don't follow them. I am trying to not let how I think effect the friendship. In time we will hang out together again.

MM texted me and invited me to the beach. I told KA about it ahead of time. It was alright to see MM although I feel so gun shy seeing anyone. We did not hug and just talked and stood in water. I also saw my buddy JS this week to stop by his house to pick up some mp3s. His talking took a day off my life. I don't think he recognizes social cues. Me in my car with the engine running wasn't enough to get him to shutup where I sat 30 mins listening to him wanting to leave. I will get back to being rude and interrupt him to not take the abuse. His opinion on the virus is polar opposite of mine and he refuses to wear a mask or do anything preventive. He lost his job and is beyond broke so not sure what to think. I also saw KAs bestie LD yesterday to photograph her dog which has failing health. Tried to keep my distance from all.

I had my kids over for Fathers Day and it was nice to get the five of us together.  :) I guess XW and OM have a cat now along with the dog. Something special to not thwart his allergies.

I find myself become introverted again. The desire to reach out and see people has faded. Perhaps I just am doing so to ease the fact I cannot see people?

XW just contacted me as I'm writing to ask for money as S18 wrecked her car in accident (not his fault and he's fine)/ sigh. Her money taking woes continue to pursue me.

Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Thunder on June 22, 2020, 11:23:04 AM
Wow you guys all really look alike!  LOL   ;D

Glad you had a nice Father's Day.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on July 07, 2020, 04:41:05 AM

XW called me yesterday to explain about S18s college tuition needed in the fall and asked how much I could pay monthly towards it, knowing my child support to her ends in Nov. when he turns 19. I was really looking forward to having that fall off my monthly responsibilities and now will be paying even more. <sigh> That's what being a parent is all about. We also talked about covid-19 and I was pleased she takes it serious even though the kids are lax about it. S18 will have his HS graduation on the 24th outside on HS football field at 7pm. The four tickets for attending will be myself, XW, OM and S20. Obviously I won't sit with them.

Last week MM texted me she wanted to get together and watch a movie. I said sure but we ended up going to the beach instead. She had us park at mutual friend and my realtor DSs house and walk to beach. At 7pm bubbly DS showed up with a dozen others to do her beach yoga and had me photograph her class with her phone. It died and I said it'd be better pix if I used my canon camera. We talked about me coming back to her beach this Thursday to try again. Afterwards DS drove MM and I around her neighborhood on her golf cart. She is kinda a dumb blonde even saying "The virus is over." MM and I disagreed. Afterwards MM asked if I still wanted to watch a movie? It'd be like 9:30 before we could even start it and having been up since 4:20 am I knew I'd never stay awake. I would not want to fall asleep with MM over although she had slipped in the line if she got too tired she could sleep over in my guest room. I didn't work Fri so that's certainly an option but my mind wandered elsewhere seeing her more attractive lately, I said no, another time. If we go to the beach this week perhaps?

I spent the fourth of July with KA at her moms lounging in the pool. D7 was there as well. We watched the neighborhood fireworks that evening. KA is coming over tonight and Friday morning we leave on another 'Escape the Heat' vacation going to Torch Lake, MI-the most beautiful lake in the world. We will be camping in her tent. Looks to be a hot time in the midwest and we will keep to our social distancing unlike many of our single partying friends. smh.

https://www.touristsecrets.com/destinations/best-reasons-to-visit-torch-lake/ (https://www.touristsecrets.com/destinations/best-reasons-to-visit-torch-lake/)
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on July 23, 2020, 06:26:47 AM
Hi all. Not much happening with the way of the world and all.

My camping vacation to Traverse City, MI with KA was wonderful! The waters were beautiful like the carribean. I found petoskey stones too which was a goal of mine.

XW messaged me yesterday S18s HS graduation which was supposed to be this FRI was cancelled. She also said no college for him either and guessing no football season either. She also said his party cancelled, although this is the first I'm even hearing of it. I saw on the kids instagram that her, OM, S20 and S25 took a lil vacation to KY. S20 had mentioned it to me last time I saw him so no surprise. Hopefully she moves away once S18 leaves home. S20 who is a union welder just got a raise and makes like a third again as much as me. Proud of him but I did feel a touch of dang, I really chose the wrong career. I do love what I do and can survive comfortably but no way could I last with XWs spending.

I did get 4 of the kids VHS tapes converted to digital movies. 12/17 of the tapes they said had mold and wouldn't process.  >:( I will try another service. I notified XW this morning asking her for half the cost which she agreed to pay. There is so much footage of my family compared to family shy hers. Lots of her BF too and her kids with OM. I wonder how that will feel to her seeing those old memories from '01-'05? One vhs that I won't charge her for is a tape of her and I made just two months into dating in '88. It's a fun watch as we barely know one another. Two sessions, each an hour long of us getting drunk in front of the camera. It's on the imemories site, should she wish to watch.

I wonder what seeing old memories like this can do for someone having come out the other side of MLC? I'd guess she wont see them sentimentally at all.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on July 31, 2020, 05:44:02 AM
Happy Friday! Journalling


My company has a relationship with a marketing firm that delivers full size real samples to their mailing list of critics. They decided this week to liquidate their extra products which we store in our warehouse. All are all beauty supplies: Loreal, Mabelline, St. Ives, Olay, Yyes Saint Laurent, Pantene, Aussie, Herbal Essences, Dove, Clairol, Cover Girl etc. So everyone took box loads home. I figure I have well over $1000 in makeup. Example: 4 bottles of Giorgio Armani foundation sell for $91 each on Amazon. I decided to give these away to friends. KA took a bunch of hair products when she was over on Tues. Her bestie LD came over on WED for an hour and grabbed a bunch. She's only the second person I've had over since the pandemic started. I disinfected the counter and door handles after she left. I naturally thought of DC who is a girly girl and she stopped by on her way home last night and took things. It was good to see her as I hadn't since my X-mas party. I took our pic, shared some wine and had some kisses. I know I know.  It's not to be, Just a moment shared from a 'what if' universe. Sunday other friends are coming over but I moved all the supplies to a table in the garage. Don't want them inside.

I chatted with BF last night as we both saw a picture of XW and OM. She'd living with her boyfriend an additional hour away in IL. She thinks our exes couldn't be happy together. OM has no contact with their two kids. BF agrees my XW loves OMs money and he does her by default, being whipped into her life. I know, as I was there. Whatev. I'm years past caring.

KA is coming over this weekend and we're doing a heritage drive this weekend around NE Indiana taking in 18 quilt gardens. Large images made with flowers.

I hope all fo you continue to be safe, happy and healthy. Live your life to the fullest. We don't get back time.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Nas on July 31, 2020, 07:17:04 AM
STP, there's a charity called iGoPink that creates bags full of beauty products for breast cancer patients.  If you or your company still have any products left, it would be great if you could donate to this organization.
I know when I felt very down and unattractive during the hardest part of chemo, receiving a bag full of products was a nice feeling.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: PJ Ames on July 31, 2020, 06:55:00 PM
Following along STP.

I have to say that I'm relating more and more to your thread all the time!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on August 01, 2020, 06:38:24 AM

I have to say that I'm relating more and more to your thread all the time!

Nooooooo, Noooooooo! This man is crazy. He makes Steve Martin look like a calm and cool dude. STP is the new "wild and crazy guy". PJ you don't need to go to the dark side. Come back before it's too late.



PS- NAS's advice was amazing and anything we can do to help others that are suffering is always a plus!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on August 17, 2020, 05:49:08 AM
Thanks for replies Nas, PJ and Ready. Covid has really dampened my crazy antics!

Most of the makeup went to the seven women who came over for it. I still have some left and will get around to boxing it up. Not much has been happening other than work and seeing KA weekends. I clearly can see a division in my friends on Facebook, between those who take the virus seriously and those who continue to party and attend social gatherings. I have logged out of meetup and do not plan to attend any of those backyard gatherings. KA and I secretly hope some of those people catch it with their blatant negligence. My buddy JS being one of them and MM almost as bad. I denied MM coming over last week for such a reason as she has been wanting to go to the beach, watch a movie or even go out to dinner with me. MM wanted to see me yesterday but the kids S18 and  S20 and I went to the beach. We also have started playing a game again together with S25 that we stopped in 2017. Probably short lived as S18 will go away to college on Friday. XW will take him although he will have his car too. XW called me last night to discuss the cost of paying for his dorm and food. We also talked of S27s birthday tomorrow. She says the kids are generally rude to her except S25.

Friday night at KAs house, as we were heading to bed, my phone beeped and KA was right there to hand it to me and see the message "DC has sent you a video." She curiously asked what it was. I lied and said (without watching it) that it was some political humor when I could see in the preview it was a video message to me. Well that made me quite nervous! The next day I found some bathroom time alone to see it was DC tipsy on wine, saying she was thinking of me and wishing I was knocking on her door right at that moment.  :-X Interest still there.

This week looks to be a bit busier. KA will be over Tuesday. I know I'll hear from MM trying to see me and I plan to get together with my four sons to celebrate S27s birthday before Friday when S18 leaves for college. This weekend KA and I going to Frederik Meijer Gardens & Sculpture Park in Grand Rapids. I've been there just 15 mins when years ago I ran in while vacationing with XW, OM and BF. Excited to visit this Leonardo Da Vincis horse.


Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on August 25, 2020, 08:25:22 AM
Blabbering on

Not much to say but I find journaling can clear my head. I had a great weekend with KA and enjoyed using a vacation day to extend the weekend for Monday off. I did see on Facebook pics from the singles groups Margaritaville party. Certain friends of mine going that give no iota of concern for the pandemic. Sadly MM and buddy JS included. I know the type there. They are either dumb people who, la-la-la want to dance and party all the time because they are airheads or are champions of, I LIVE IN NO FEAR and want to meet the virus and defeat it with my God given immune system. I cannot even talk to JS anymore as he is so pompous and we are now on opposite sides politically too as I'm leaning the other way for the first time. MM disappoints me but she is just a bar fly hanging out with my realtor/yoga instructor DS who is FAR right politically.
I wish there was justice or karma but as members of this board know too well, there isn't justice for wrong doing. There is a gang of people who feel that way. Friends, all of them, who all came to my last party in Feb. Perhaps that had much less to do with me and was just the next party to go to. Hey, I like to party too but I'm not rushing into social situations and against social distancing. Those people are antsy and can't sit at home, whereas I have all sorts of projects of enjoyment. I guess I'm ranting because I'm losing friends by not participating. XW and I VERY often said we're only as good as our last outing.
That STP dude... haven't seen him in 6 months.
Whatever. Reminds me of the past when XW was leaving. Of course now I have a gf and KA is good for me. A smart & caring woman. I had said often that I wouldn't stay in that group forevermore. Heck I'm not even logged in. I'm just gonna back away from all that social gathering stuff and work on me and do my things and be with KA. DC sent me a flirty video of herself eating a popsicle last night. It's a tease which is kinda annoying.
I saw a CH comment under someones post that she has a broken arm. She always was a klutz.

I hope you are all well 'n safe and finding enjoyment. We don't get these days back so live it up smartly.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on August 26, 2020, 05:22:56 AM

Of course now I have a gf and KA is good for me. A smart & caring woman.

This is a time when you learn to appreciate what you have.

I'm just gonna back away from all that social gathering stuff and work on me and do my things and be with KA.

Isn't that called living your life the way you want to live?

That STP dude... haven't seen him in 6 months.

And know that you can jump right back in without missing a beat.

I hope you are all well 'n safe and finding enjoyment. We don't get these days back so live it up smartly.

Living smartly is the point. I don't laugh at the virus and I don't live in complete fear. However, I have a healthy respect for what's going on and I try to take all the precautions I can. Mask, hand sanitizer/wash frequently and no large gatherings. Last weekend, my wife, daughter and Son in Law spent the day with my parents celebrating their 60th anniversary. It was a toned down affair for such a big event, but we made the most of it. My dad is 83 and my mom will be 80 in November, no sense in getting a bunch of people together to get them sick.

I guess that is living smartly. Have a great day, crazy man

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on September 03, 2020, 11:40:44 AM
I don't have much to say so just journalling.

Thanks for the reply Ready. Things are good with me. It's nice that S18, S21 and S25 have regained an interest in coming over to game with me. Something we used to do regularly between nine-three years ago. It's already been discussed when S18 comes home from college for weekends he will come over Sunday for such get togethers.  :)

MM has been trying to get together and do something with me but as smartly as she preaches to be living regarding the virus, I see our standards are very different as she went to a party last weekend and will again this Saturday as well as be with friends for fireworks on FRI. This makes me not want to have anything to do with her. It's so easy to see who the smart people are and those that aren't so much. Stupid people don't know they are stupid. They act no different.

On facebook I asked friends to name one random fact about themselves. My realtor/beach yoga instructor DS said she was a two-time Miss Hawaiian tropic bikini winner. I sent her a message asking if she had any pics from back when. She sent me a current bikini pic. OK, I believe her.

I still receive my XWs emails regarding her jewelry business. Looks like shes's doing a few shows and living smart (regarding Covid). Glad to not be around her intensity. I like my freedoms and alone time. I've been busy trying to finish this RPG adventure book I wrote and raised over $670 to have printed. I should have copies next week for the backers. Other things I have going on are selling a whole lot of childhood toys on ebay. I'm close to listing having acquired boxes to mail them in and taken pictures. I also have a 'black light' wall in my office now but am two steps away from ceiling mounting the light bar. After that I may try recording some new songs? I haven't done much of any of that since a week after BD #2 four years ago.

No big plans this long weekend other than to go refrigerator shopping with KA as hers conked out. S28 will come to her house on SAT to set up her new wifi. Pizza and movie at my place then. I am starting to miss entertaining. Last year was my beach party this Labor Day weekend. sigh.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: OffRoad on September 03, 2020, 01:09:29 PM
That STP dude... haven't seen him in 6 months.

Maybe not, but I am seeing an STP MAN emerging. It looks good on you. JMHO.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on September 18, 2020, 09:06:26 AM

Thanks for the comment OffRoad. Just living life how I want and remaining happy. Sometimes I feel like I have no business to keep posting here as I'm divorced and XW is happily remarried to the OM. If anything it's my journey in getting a life after the MLC years. For those of you who like to read, I write.

DC messaged me last week thanking me again for the awesome makeup samples I gave her and said if I ever needed someone to take more she's my gal. I had aspirations to sell them but offered the leftovers to her. She came over last week and we again shared a bottle of wine and I realized again how much of a talker she is. Difference between her and chatty JW is DC is not boring. I learned her bf is sick to the point he can't drive now and she has to go to IL when seeing him weekends. To be brief, we got passionate ;) in the 90 mins she was over. I took a couple pics of us for memories. There's an attraction but we're both with others and I don't see that changing. Just a  moment capsulized in time and we've not chatted once in the last ten days.

I have a lengthy to do list now that my book is published and mailed to backers, so I'm taking off the next two Mondays to get things done around the house. KAs turn for coming over this weekend and we will do our regular movie 'n pizza taste testing as well as head to IL for some hiking through canyons with waterfalls tomorrow. My Heroclix gamer kids and former nephew will probably be over Sunday to play with new 3D maps I picked up from my best friend one night.

I'm pretty much staying in my bubble and just doing my own thing with very little interaction. The mammoth Halloween party I went to the last few years is cancelled and mine as well, so just focussing on myself and doing my thing.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 08, 2020, 07:46:30 AM

Life going on. I went and saw my parents for my moms birthday as I hadn't since Christmas. It was a low key event and two of my four brothers came by too (the married ones with kids). I didn't invite my kids as my mom didn't want a big production out of it.

I had to outright lie to KA twice for the first time last weekend and I feel so bad doing so. Stupidly before DC came over last month to get the rest of the free makeup (and fool around), I put the bedroom pics of KA and I in my nightstand with the intent to put them back. KA asked where they were and if she had to look for mysterious hairs in the bed. I put them away to dust the nightstand top, although clearly no dusting occurred. That's because I didn't have the dusting things I use. sigh. If it was my XW she would persecuted me for hours to tear out the truth but KA let it go thankfully. Lesson learned! DC sent me some funny snapchat filter pics of herself last night and we texted a bit about her new cat.

S18, S21 and S25 have been coming over most Sundays for gaming with me. S18 told me XW is having a Halloween party this year. Shocking for a couple reasons with the first being the pandemic still relevant. I can see her saying this year has been so hard on her that she needs a reason to celebrate. She was never one to be responsible. Instead of paying her $800 phone bill, she had us go to Jamaica instead.  :D In the 14 Halloween parties we hosted, I did EVERYTHING. She never hung even one decoration. I'm sure OM will try his best but he ain't me. The only decorations she took in the D where ceramic and paper things suitable for a fireplace mantle. I have the bulk 250 lbs. I imagine S21 will help them as he did me the last few years. smh.

This weekend I'm going to KAs and we have no plans. On the 18th I scheduled a peak colors nature hike but invited photographers instead of friends. Theres a woman I Facebook friended online CRY (married) whom encouraged me to host something to meet people as she's new to Indiana. Will mask up or keep socially distant. Might invite MM and JS as they are hikers to fill out a small group.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 22, 2020, 10:55:33 AM

Life going on. Due to rain, I cancelled my photographer hike which woulda just been two people. I'm okay with it as I went out the previous weekend to get some fall color pics on my own.

I haven't seen any friends since the first week of August other than DC six weeks ago. Buddy JS has a new job and MM is in school. I've had friends move away too so even when we can socially get together things are gonna be different. I've been okay with it. I've been doing things around the house most notably selling old 40 yr old toys on Ebay grossing over $900! Last night I was up too late working on a song for my fifth album. I haven't made much music since the D.

S18 told me XW cancelled her Halloween party. What was she thinking? We all wish we could but not this year.

Tomorrow is my 54th birthday and I took the day offa work... just because. I will go to KAs this weekend to celebrate together as her birthday was yesterday. She's 6 years younger. For tonight I invited my four kids to come over for dinner. On Halloween night I'll go over there and help hand out candy. Little fun things that bring smiles.

I hope you're all well.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on October 22, 2020, 11:10:42 AM

Well, first of all- Happy Birthday to you and Belated Happy Birthday to KA!!!!

Yes, a lot of cancelled events and social moments. My wife and I are just planning on Thanksgiving with the six of us. Last year, it was at my house with close to 30 people. Not this year.

On Halloween night I'll go over there and help hand out candy.

I don't know if we can hand out candy this year. I am in California, for all I know passing out candy is a felony!!!

Have a great time enjoying the little things,


Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 09, 2020, 06:26:49 AM

Despite all the political madness quiet time continues. I passed ten years working at my current company and in another nine months, it will be the longest duration for me at one business.

I haven't seen anyone other than my kids and KA which is a good thing in these times. S18 was over yesterday with his brothers S21 and S25 and he's back at XWs now as college campus closed due to covid. Poor kid went there to play football and only got 18 practices in and no games before being sent home. He's now talking about not going back to college and being a fence builder for a friend of XWs. I'm okay with this if the job is good and prevents me from years and years of out-of-state tuition payments for him. I told him he'll probably never get to play football again if he quit school. Covid messed it up. His gf, two years older, was over briefly and talked about getting a  place together and taking the cats from S27s.

Over the weekend KAs D8 had me cover my ears and close my eyes and when it was okay to open them I got the gist she was telling her mom I've gotten fat. Leave it to a kid to be brutally honest. Yes, I know I'm back to my January 1st weight. I quit running Sept 30th due to leg pains that still persist five weeks later. I've been massaging them, stretching and did some leg curls too which is helping. The shin splints in my right leg are quite painful especially when I've been sitting. It feels more in the bones than muscles now and I'm hoping not a stress fracture from over running and too many days off. S27 gave me back the Weider weight bench workout machine which I will use as I'm avoiding the public gym.

KA and I had done a blood sugar detox last FEB and I lost  11 lbs the first week and like 27 lbs in four weeks which took all year to creep back on. I have too much perishable food currently to fully engage in it but will do some of the days this month. I'm hoping I can start running again soon. If not healed by DEC I'll go to the doctor for my leg. The hardest days of the sugar detox are the liquid days of protein smoothie, vegetable juice, chicken broth and water.

If you're following along thanks for your readership.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 16, 2020, 07:56:58 AM

XW called me with further details about S18s plan to quit college (he enrolled to play football and due to COVID it's not happening). He will finish the semester but then we will have to start paying back on the loan. I know the guy S18 will work for. I will call the loan company today to find out a total and make sure XW is paying half of it. S18s birthday is coming up in a couple weeks and I will go in half with XW and get his car windows tinted. I also get to stop paying child support. yay!

Yesterday, I went to visit my parents in IL and S18 came with me as he hadn't seen them since Christmas. He told me S25, whose car is in the shop after hitting a deer, totaled the OMs car after borrowing it to get to school. Apparently, a semi-truck was struck by high winds and blown into him. So for the time being OM and XW will share her new car. You may recall S18 totaled her car (the one I paid off in exchange for me keeping the house) earlier this year. Crazy how both their cars totaled by two of our kids.

I asked him about the pet rats, if they still had any and was surprised she now has 8 of them! They get to come out and run around her bedroom daily. Oh geeze! I knew they had a dog and had got a special hypo-allergic cat due to his allergies. I was surprised to hear they now have a puppy. This  is so like my XW. Her way to find happiness is to keep getting things and changing things to try and bring her miserable self happiness. When her happiness fades she takes on more or does different things. BF has speculated she must be miserable with OM. He works from home so they are together every single day.  He must drive her crazy right? I asked S18 if he can see her ever moving and he said shes always saying "We can fix this up for when we sell the house." She's never lived in any house over seven years. Just a matter of time when she decides her house no longer makes her happy and moves again. She's never gonna get that happiness she wants no matter how many animals she gets or the changes she makes to try to bandage over how unhappy she is.

When S18 came out to the car he went through their garage and I could see how jammed it was with stuff. What is all that stuff? They've been in that house less than 3 years and can't get even one car in their two car garage! I know none of it is his as he wiped his butt clean of his family and old life. Jewelry show stuff. At best she was making 12k a year doing it when we were together. She's a lead anchor and gonna drag OM down.

Apparently they still had ten people over for a Halloween party too. Her friends as he ditched his for her. She is so spoiled, not wanting to play by the Indiana rules of not gathering en masse. I am so happy NOT to be with that woman and part of all that drama and muck. I have a spacious house without all the hoarding crap and can get two cars in my garage. smh

My friend MM messaged me on Fri she tested positive for COVID. Deservingly so after all her socializing. Stupid people don't know they are stupid. I was a bit steamed to see the day she tested, she hung out with our hike leader. He is an old retiree and taking COVID very seriously. I messaged him off yesterday to ask if MM had talked to him lately and told him about MM being positive the day they hung out. MM and I have tenative plans to watch a movie this upcoming weekend, although I dunno when as I'm at KAs until Sunday and then my kids come over to play games. Do I even wanna expose myself to her 12 days after her positive test? Even odder I had a dream I was kissing her this morning. wtf?

I hope all of you are healthy and finding happiness in these challenging times.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 25, 2020, 04:38:21 AM

I contacted XW curious since my name is the only one on the loan for S18s college loan. She said we each have a loan. Just to make sure, I contacted financial aid at the university and it's true. She hasn't tried to put one over on me but puts my mind at ease to hear it from the source. This is the last week of child support for S18. I talked to human resources and they can't make any change until receiving a court order which should process automatically. It'll be nice to have that money back which will go towards his college anyway. XW also mentioned about S25 totaling OMs car. It had just been paid off the month prior. Jeeze.

MM had talked about getting together to watch a movie but when the day came I heard nothing and didn't reach out to her.

For Thanksgiving I will again go to KAs and her parents will join us (they've been divorced over 30 years). Friday I will have my four kids over along with KA. No out of state visiting my parents this year.

Today I am going to organize an ornament exchange for people in my party group. See if any want to mail them to each other since no gathering. It's always nice to have things to open.

Have a wonderful feast with your immediate households and enjoy the time off work. I'm thankful for this forum and you.
Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Thunder on November 27, 2020, 10:44:15 PM
STP I'm glad you are using your head and keeping yourself safe.
What is wrong with people?  Is it really that hard to understand there is a Pandemic going on?   :o

Hope your legs get better and you and KA can enjoy the rest of the holidays.

YAY no more CS!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on November 28, 2020, 04:49:02 AM

We had a small Thanksgiving feast as well. Last year, 37 people and I smoked two turkeys. This year, 5 people and we sat outside and had a quick meal. The food was great and we had a god time, but just wasn't the same as last year. My parents stayed home and my daughter went to her husband's family while my youngest stayed with her mom.

Hope you had an amazing Thanksgiving and the ornament exchange sounds like an awesome idea!

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 30, 2020, 04:33:57 AM
Thanks for replies Thunder and Ready.

I had a nice Thanksgiving day at KAs but saw no other family. I didn't get to see my kids this weekend or S19 for his birthday as XW tested positive for Covid on Tuesday and S19 messaged me he had a fever. S27 might have it too. BF texted me last night to ask about things and I told her stuff. We think it's funny OM isn't allowed to watch Green Bay PAckers games on tv. XW musta nipped that in the wedding vows. LOL. He is so whipped on her. I'm already trying to guess when they will move again as XW has never lived in the same house more than 7 years. Whenever S21 and S19 move out I imagine she will go bonkers with OM around the house each day. Whatever.

Have a good week.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on December 14, 2020, 09:16:13 AM
Not much going on.

I feel like my alone time has become more valuable as of late as I am certainly in a routine. Monday and Thursday nights are my only free ME time now as KA is seen TUES, FRI and SAT. SUN is my time playing games with three of my kids and WED I am now game playing via zoom meetings. All things I want to do-just sayin. When the boys were over yesterday, S25 was commenting about the end of child support to XW who I guess will be struggling more. Her jewelry making biz doesn't amount to much and as he says "what can she do at her age?: I guess OM is paying BF a lot in alimony!? I'm not clear on how alimony works but it could be thousands a month to her. Both those kids are over 21 so no idea that situation or when it ends.

My S21 has been into guns and firing them in my backyard as I have miles of woods behind me and distant neighbors. Saturday all 4 kids came over as well as my nephew, former nephew and two of their friends for a big shoot up targets with like 8 guns in my backyard. S21 said XW has a permit for concealed carry now. Sheesh. All I can say is I'm glad to be away from all of that. She just can't be content. There always has to be change and upheaval.

I have a new friend on facebook who is a cosplay person. She's married with 4 kids and we've chatted and she's impressed with my photoshop editing skills and is now paying me to work on photos of her. The first batch is her as Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I don't mind the sporadic work.

It's been quiet since my last post here. No communication with MM, DC, JS or any others etc. Well, MM sends me music stories but we don't talk. I organized an ornament exchange with a dozen others in my party group. The pandemic has really quieted relationships and steered me back toward being introverted. Friend groups have splintered and when all's normal in the world, I'll have to see who can be brought back to the fold.

Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Ready2Transform on December 14, 2020, 09:38:32 AM
About a year or so deep after he left my xH got a conceal carry license. did F&I War reenacting, so muskets and rifles were common around the house, but he wasn't a hand gun guy. Even being in the army reserves when he was young, he didn't end up being a handgun guy. That changed with MLC. It went hand in hand with paranoia, I think. Made him feel more "powerful". There certainly wasn't any other attacker coming at him that wasn't internal. With your xW, it seems she doesn't feel OM can protect her... ::)

I too think the pandemic is serving to be a good reset button on relationships that were due for a checkup. Good that you're saving days for yourself, it really does make a difference for us introverts to be able to ground and recharge.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on December 23, 2020, 06:21:25 AM
🎄🎄Merry Christmas!🎄🎄

Thanks for the reply R2T. I really think my XW is just unable to be as she is, and desires constant change in her pursuit of happiness. I do hope in time she bails out of her marriage. It's been 2 years already. I know she needs his money tho. I think when S19 and S21 leave the house and it's just her and work from home OM she will get antsy for big moves.

My mom wrote the family and said stay home this year for the holidays. My parents are desiring the vaccine and would hate to blow their safety before then. I have one friend who is a first responder and has taken the vaccine and am aware of a friend of a friend in the hospital since early Nov. awaiting a double lung transplant. Another close friend lost both her parents within a week of each other. The choice is out there. I will go to KAs on Christmas Eve and have my four sons over on Christmas day for a meal, football watching and presents.

Things remains quiet with friends naturally and no socializing. Just to keep it lively :) I sent this picture to some women friends asking if they'd ever wear such a thing? A variety of responses. DC sent me two pics of herself in a long sleeved, high neck version. MM sent me a pic of herself as a french maid instead. My relator DS mentioned one santa suit she wore in a play. Some other replies were funny. Silly stuff just to keep communication lines open.


Live it up people. These days you don't get back. Make the best of them. Have fun, laugh and smile. You're in charge of your own happiness. Be merry and bright and attract the right people to you. Have a holly jolly one.🎅
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on December 29, 2020, 06:21:41 AM
Hi all. I hope your Christmas was good.

While I was at KAs on the eve, S27 led his bros in replacing my stove as my big present. I have no doubt they will take care of me as I get older. The kids usually go to XWs on the eve but instead she had them over Christmas day morning. Afterwards they all dispersed and did their own things. S25 ended up not coming over in the afternoon with his brothers which was a bit hurtful. He went for a hike and then decided to go sooth his muscles in XWs hot tub and got too drunk to come over. I also heard he thought we were getting together on Sunday? He did then and all was fine. I just missed a photo op with them.

I've heard of men getting $h!te tests but never really felt like I had until Christmas Eve. Earlier in the week I asked DC if she was going to be around Christmas Eve but she said she had plans and I wished her a good time, it being the holidays after all. While at KAs, DC sent me a pic of herself in the kitchen saying her kids don't show up until Christmas Day and she was cooking food and drinking glasses of wine. We talked of how her cinnamon rolls would compare to my cinnamon roll cookies and I offered to stop by as her place was on my way home and drop some leftovers off. She was eager to try them and twenty mins later when I was in her parking lot, she texted me her youngest son was home. Huh? Why wait to tell me that? He doesn't know of me. I waited 30 mins on my drive home and texted back she missed out on some delicious treats. You're probably wondering why any of this even is occurring? I like her. She'll probably be engaged this summer and then I'll leave her alone. May as well start now.

Last night I had MM over to give me my birthday present 2 months late (Halloween stuff) and we watched a movie. We had never really watched tv together and it was a lil weird as the only women I've ever watched tv with, I was romantically invested in. Thus there was no cuddling which had me feeling a bit lacking. It was funny to me how much MM was ripping into people who don't wear a mask at her grocery store yet she's been partying with other abuser 'friends' of ours the last two weekends. She did say she still feels the effects of covid (end of Oct) in her lungs after lying down. The friend of a friend in the hospital died of it since my last post.

I'm feeling the need to pull back from being social online. I started up again playing an online game XW and I played back a decade ago. It's a fun way to fill time and kill lots of hours. Longtime readers would have heard of the game from my first posts here where XW started her EA with a guy in the game. I have zero inclination to chat with anyone but rather complete tasks.

For NYE, I'll be at KAs with her D8. It's never been a big deal to me and I'd be okay going to bed before midnight.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on December 31, 2020, 06:26:22 AM

Happy New Year!

I like her. She'll probably be engaged this summer and then I'll leave her alone. May as well start now.

Good advice to yourself. It's stuff that is going to go nowhere that ends up blowing up in your face.

For NYE, I'll be at KAs with her D8. It's never been a big deal to me and I'd be okay going to bed before midnight.

Same here,  we are just going to have seafood and a few drinks. I might make it to 10 pm. LOL!

Keep going strong and enjoy your time with KA and the little one,


Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on December 31, 2020, 10:43:04 AM
Thanks Ready!

I'm sure I'll be up at midnight to ring in 2021 but not without dosing at some time prior in the night. It's kinda become a joke with KA, that I fall asleep every time I'm over there on her couch. I do get up before 4:30am so yeah by 9 pm I'm quite sleepy. Sleep is a daily conversation with her on how tired we are.

Well I planned to not give any more attention to DC but she sent me a photo of herself last night, which interrupted my train of thought on the TV show I was watching.  A couple texts back 'n forth before she said
If I drove you crazy, that was my intention. If my son was not spending the night, I would so desire for you to come over.
Just words. Words I like, but I know to keep calm and not play the game.

And speaking of words I was thinking back to Monday when MM was over and how she's always questioning me if I love KA. Why does she have to keep asking that? I recall one time she was trying to get me to break up with KA if I didn't love her. MM doesn't approve apparently because KA is a quiet introvert and I'm not. KA and I don't say "I love you" more than once every two months. I guess I don't want to lose myself to that and how I feel about her isn't on the same level I was with XW. I won't allow myself to get that deep again or maybe I'm cautious to not let my heart get hurt again or maybe I just don't feel that intensity with her? As I often say when people bring up wedding questions or our seriousness, "As we are now is how we will be."

Planning to back off social media in Jan and get healthy.

Happy New Year 2021!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on January 04, 2021, 12:15:12 PM
Bits of things

I had a dream that woke me up at 3:50 am that I was in a relationship with beach yoga instructor DS, my realtor. Odd dream with her family visiting mine for Christmas. DS's too spiritual for me. Musta had her in my mind as it was her birthday yesterday.

New Years Day, DC sent me another pic of herself. Not a selfie which makes me suspect it was her son and not her bf, who was over that night, snapping it. Curious if I'll hear anything from her this week with the duration of her having a kid in the house ending mid week.

LD, who is KAs best friend asked for my opinion on a guy DF who 13 months ago started dating JW. I posted about the start of their relationship here:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10460.msg752591#msg752591 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10460.msg752591#msg752591)
Today I've spent hours chatting with JW since she and DF broke up last week and how awful and abusive DF was to JW. Of course info I've shared with LD who has a second date with DF this week. I'm leaving KA out of the drama. JW wished I had warned her of what a wolf in sheeps clothing he was and his reputation for yelling at women and using their money.

The kids told me XW is working (for free) in a jewelry store that allows her to sell her hand made creations. Way to go! I think  it's hysterical OM is not allowed to watch his beloved Green Bay Packers and often times has to watch TV in a different room than XW and kids. Sheesh.

Seeing the doctor on WED for my shin pain that has sidelined my running since last day in Sept. Hope you're all well.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on January 15, 2021, 12:26:15 PM
Have a good weekend.

LD and DF never had a second date so that's through. I did text a bunch with JW last week as she was working admitting at the hospital. We talked of maybe getting together to hang out on Sunday but her bestie from WI stayed until Monday, so perhaps another time. She did send me a pic of herself sitting on a rock in the water.

Results of my visit to the doctor came back less than ideal. I am seeing an orthopedic doctor in ten days for what is most likely a stress fracture in my tibia bone. Crazy to think I caused it just by running but I guess if you factor in all that pounding and my age, things can start to break down. Bloodwork showed I have high triglycerides, like 182% of what they should be and my liver is generating more enzymes than it should be! In March I will see a doctor for that. Meanwhile I am on my blood sugar detox like I did last year an lost 1/10th of my weight in a month. I may keep it going longer to seriously drop lots of weight. 280 lbs at 6'4" which I hide well. KA is also doing the 4-week plan.

This weekend I am going to KAs house. Nothing special planned but seeing some owls. S19, S21, and S25 will come over on Sunday for game playing like usual. I've been spending lots of my free time involved in that online game XW and I used to play way back '07-'10. Lord of the Rings online. It's where she had her EA which turned physical at the start of BD #1. It's fun and a big time filler. My mind skipped to what if she went back in the game and we met there. So silly, as shes in a different place now. Aren't we all.

Post #800
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on January 16, 2021, 06:27:55 AM

Well, I am with you on the health meter. I was doing so well until covid shut down my gym. Hopefully, they will reopen when the vaccines start to kick in and the recovery begins in a couple of months.

I hope your leg heals and you get healthy, who knows, in a couple of years the only things we will have to post about is our doctor's visits and our numbers. I guess it's a sign we are getting old. LOL

Have a good weekend, see the owls, and enjoy some football,

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on February 25, 2021, 05:42:59 AM

Saw the orthopedic doctor twice since my last post. I was given a steroid shot in my shin in the spot where the tendons attach. This and an ointment have decreased the inflammation greatly! Crazy how something like that can linger 5 months. I am planning to start running again slowly when the weather warms up.

Since my last post I have lost 26 lbs following the low blood sugar meal plan. For the most part, after the 4 weeks ended, I have been keeping to it.

Last weekend I went to JWs up in MI. I hadn't seen her in a year. We went for a hike to the shore so I could photograph some blue ice. She spoke of her last bf, how he gave her a ring after 2 months and the end of it due to his anger and drinking. I relayed he's already in a relationship less than 2 months from their breakup! We went to a brewery for food and drink, socially distanced of course. Being a nurse she's had her both vaccine shots. Afterwards she kissed me and that kinda woke me up for more kissing in our trust bubble. She's a curvy and soft woman but not for me and I have some guilt. Not one I would want to be in a relationship with. We were last intimate like 3 years ago and am okay leaving that in the past.

I have not heard from many others in this quiet time. MM occasionally sends me music news but she's busy with schooling as she is switching careers. My buddy JS and DC I haven't heard from and it's up to them to reach out.

I did hear from S27s, my XW is opening a jewelry shop in her town (the next city over). It makes me cringe to think how terrible it would be to still be in a relationship with her. She has unrealistic ideas. She was making 12-19k a year selling her wire wrapped stones. There isn't enough of a calling but she's too arrogant, stubborn and delusional to think of reality. It makes me laugh to see how she jumps from one thing to another trying to patch the unhappiness in herself and how she is bleeding the OM of his money. Seeing as she's never lived anywhere for longer than 7 years I can predict when the business fails she will think of moving away.

I did not see KA this week as she has her daughter due to her exs work travel plans. I'll go over tonight to visit as I wont see her this entire weekend and  will stop at LDs on the way to KAs as she's selling me a second TV. My best friend of 45 years and older bro are staying over for a board game weekend. S19 and S21 will be involved as well. My bro is a board game enthusiast and we will play The Fantasy Trip, Gunslinger, Cosmic Encounter, Ogre, Cthulu Wars, etc. It will be a blast!

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on March 03, 2021, 04:55:30 AM

I was given a steroid shot in my shin in the spot

I knew you were on roids!

Since my last post I have lost 26 lbs following the low blood sugar meal plan.

I have done the same. If I could just stay way from creamer in my coffee, I would be there! It seems you are moving forward and like all of us looking forward to the time when we are all past this covid crisis.

Let me know how the board games go this weekend. Hopefully, I will have my own date to get vaccinated and that will be a big step as gyms should partially reopen sometime next week in my area.

Enjoy the rest of your day!

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on March 04, 2021, 09:02:48 AM
Thanks for reply Ready,

Our game weekend wasn't as perfect as I planned as my bro didn't come until Sat. So Friday night was hanging out with my best friend, which was great to just chat. We played three games in 13 hours on Sat: The Fantasy Trip, Magic Realm and Planet Apocalypse. Sunday my kids S19 and S21 did not come back over and we got sidetracked watching WandaVision on Sunday thus no games were played before they left.

I have not seen KA since last Thursday and missed her this Tuesday as well as she still has her daughter over and I've been running about getting the end of income with-holding paperwork taken care of, with trips to courthouse. I was pleased to get reimbursed a check from child services for all the back pay I've made since filing in Dec.

Speaking of KA, I wanted to touch on a light hearted conversation we had 2 weeks ago for our 3rd anniversary. I asked her what improvements she'd like from me and she responded she would like me to tell her I love her more. The unusual thing is how difficult it is for me to say. It wasn't hard to say to XW. I've never been one to casually and easily say "I love you" to anyone (like my parents). Perhaps I don't really feel in love with her?

Tonight MM is coming over to watch a movie with me. Her idea as is Chinese takeout. I know she will ask me, as she always does, if I love KA. In a way, it's like MM doesn't believe me or can see that I'm just not that into KA? Or perhaps she has other motivation? I dunno. It will be fun to see her a it's been 2.5 months. Next week I will probably have KAs bestie LD over to watch a movie to educate her on cultural icons she knows nothing about (Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Mad Max films etc.)

The age for vaccines dropped to 50+ yesterday in IN. My first shot is April 1st. A couple weeks after KA gets her second I will work towards hosting a party. lol. Quite a lot of friendships have changed since a year ago.

Here's a photo of my blacklight wall in my game room/office. It's still growing but this is the initial view. Have fun people because when the day's over you don't get it back!
Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: forthetrees on March 04, 2021, 09:32:41 AM
Tonight MM is coming over to watch a movie with me.

Perhaps I don't really feel in love with her? (KA)

I think you have your answer.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: OffRoad on March 04, 2021, 02:35:24 PM
You know, STP, if you loved KA, you wouldn't disrespect her by kissing other women like JW. Unless of course you told KA you like kissing other women and will do it when you feel like it and she accepts that.  When you were married, would it have been ok for your then W to go around kissing other men behind your back?

What does a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship mean to you?
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: OffRoad on March 04, 2021, 02:52:43 PM
BTW, I like the black light posters. I had at least three of those in High School, along with a  haunted house, a toreador, and some great geometric patterns. Went with my black light, my fantastic plastic light machine, and my blinking UFO. A lot were black fuzzy rather than just black ink. The teenager cave blast from the past. ;D
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on March 24, 2021, 10:08:55 AM
Thanks for reply forthetrees and OffRoad.

I'm not head over heels in love with KA. Perhaps that is why I am fine not pursuing marriage with her (which she doesn't want either). I don't know if I can be in love again with another woman? Not like I was, lost in the devotion to XW. In the couple weeks since my last post, I've decided to not reach out to JW or any other women again. I've never been a fan of people sneaking around which includes me. MM is a friend. A woman friend who I can talk music with and do things KA has no interest in. When I see MM again I will absolutely tell KA prior. MM and I have never been physical, kissed or been inappropriate and I'm fine with that. LD has decided no to watching movies which is OK. It gives me more free time to do what I want! When not with KA I find myself wanting to be with her more and more. I still love my space and freedom but do miss her after a couple days (more than  my libido talkin' here). I enjoy being with her very much! I respected marriage and loved being married. It was not okay for XW to mess around on me. I still believe in the faithful bond of marriage. I hope my kids have good strong marriages like I had most of the 25 years wed to XW. If I was with a woman who wanted marriage and I felt the same it could happen. I am fine with things as they are atm.

XWs jewelry shop is open and I stumbled upon a friend of a friends FB page who is actually involved in the store with her. Most of the things in the photos I saw were items this other woman has for sale. Her involvement and inventory will help XWs metaphysical/spiritual stores appeal tremendously.

With KAs first vaccination shot scheduled I have reached out to important friends and observed which of them is getting shots and who is not. I plan to have my first social gathering June 12th which seems a good wait based on my attendees. Several friends have faded away or decided to no longer be friendly so it'll be a rebuilding with those who matter.

My buddy JS came over on Monday and we biked. He talked my ear off but at least we were out and doing something to make it less annoying. I will plan on hosting a hike in late May as well. With the weather warming up, I am planning to put more effort into running.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Zion on March 24, 2021, 10:48:13 AM

This is sounding like a lot of growth!  Protecting your heart by not playing with fire.

I think especially for us LBSers we should explore the "Stages of Love".  For me I was never in Limerence with my XH...He was definitely with me.  I was content, at peace, felt safe, felt like a great team, admired my husband.... all this made me attracted and feel lots of love.  My love grew and grew over time.  When I felt threatened by OW...limerence reared it ugly head...primal panic which switched on a sexual switch in me but in no way was it healthy. 

I honestly don't think "being in love" is the goal when looking for romantic partnership. 


Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Curiosity on March 24, 2021, 12:22:19 PM
Interesting thoughts, Zion! My W and I were long distance for the first several months of our relationship and so I never really thought much about limerence until my W started showing basically obsession with her alienator. And of course, 19 years in, the current relationship bears no resemblance to the excitement of new love - it’s committed, solid, familiar, trusted (or at least that is how it seemed before BD1). But the more I think back, the more I feel there was some degree of limerence, even across the distance - that ability to spend hours on the phone every day, always thinking of each other, writing letters and sending gifts, feeling too excited to eat sometimes. And we both felt it - and as the familiarity grew, that excitement faded in some ways. It wasn’t to the level of obsession, but it was there. And even that was not healthy and would not have been sustainable long term. Certainly the limerence that borders on obsession, that leads to poor job performance and neglecting or harming other parts of your life - that is a very unhealthy thing and definitely should not be romanticized as the ideal in finding a partner.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on March 25, 2021, 09:22:21 AM
Thanks for your replies Zion and Curiosity.

I was not familiar with the term Limerence. Reading about it, I was very much in this with my XW and probably the first few years of our relationship. She's the smartest woman I've ever met and whenever we had a fight she'd skillfully twist it around so I was the one at wrong even if it was her actions... that I drove her to do. But I was just so happy to be with her, I didn't mind the occasional abuse. I was a door mat with no boundaries except those she placed on me. If I ever even mentioned another woman's name, she'd blow up and accuse that I was having an affair with them. I learned the less I did and said the safer I was. Yes I lived in fear of her. I'm so happy to be away from that and with someone so down to earth and kind. KA is a great relationship partner. As we are, is as we will stay.

Late last night, DC sent me a message. I hadn't chatted with her in three weeks. She said something about her turning 50 in July and asked if I would photograph her so, she had images to look back upon when she's older. She's one of those women who is always wearing makeup and very concerned with her looks. I said yes. I like taking photos and helping friends. I expect her to be engaged this year.

This weekend KA, D8 and I will go to a farm for baby animal feeding.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on April 05, 2021, 06:56:45 AM

I had a good Easter weekend. KA was over and we took a nature walk at the gardens nearby. A movie was being filmed there and the four actors were in 17th century clothing. S19 and S26 came over on Sunday to play our superhero miniatures game following my yard work.

Chatted with MM telling her I am basically done going out to see bar bands. I'm not that desperate to get my dance on that I'll subject myself to bands I've seen several times already. She's been hanging around those I refer to ask 'mask abusers' (ones who never changed their going out during the pandemic and thus they all had covid.) The two guys there are former friends I don't care to associate with.

MM did ask if I would film her speech for her college class. It required positioning props, zooming out and a change from b&w to color mid movie-easy for me to do in imovie. Took 4 hrs Wed night. I did tell KA about it. There was a screw up on her part and she came over the next day to redo it in a much quicker 90 mins. She bought me a 12 pack of beer and wine as a thanks. I was well aware when we sat on the couch to watch the playback, MM leaned on me. She is very touchy with me, despite telling me a story of how another mutual friend upset her by touching her hand while having lunch with her. I gave a her a goodnight hug lifting her and was surprised she wrapped her legs around me! Not sure what was up with that? I know recently she said if she had wanted to firetruck me she woulda years ago although thats quite untrue as from the week after meeting her I've been with various gfs... GW, CH, AF, KA and she was off limits being married.
Every other Thursday has kinda become our day to watch movies and I might see her this week. Another odd thing is she isn't keen on me having a party in June a week before someone elses. Well I'm not keen on the theme of the other persons not to mention the two guys I despise will be there and KA has her D8 that weekend. Whatever. I'm doing my own thing for that is what matters.

DC apologized about not getting back to me regarding my services of photographing her before she turns 50 (I'm known amongst my friends as the good photo taking guy). She sent me a picture of her chest (and her new cat) like she used to. Whatever. She also posted a pic with her bf on facebook the next day. She's a user. I'll help her out next month.

Last week I got my first vaccination shot and am excited to be fully vaccinated in 5 weeks to go see my parents and entertain again, beginning in June. I will host a hike before then.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on April 05, 2021, 08:14:55 AM

Glad to hear you are doing well. I had a good Easter too!

She's the smartest woman I've ever met and whenever we had a fight she'd skillfully twist it around so I was the one at wrong even if it was her actions... that I drove her to do.

I didn't think my ex as the smartest woman I ever met, but she was very intelligent and resourceful, just like your ex, she would turn the tables on me and make me out to be the wrong person. Before I knew it, I would be apologizing and admitting wrong and at best, she would accept my apology, but she was never wrong. Until the time she called me and actually apologized to me.

Last week I got my first vaccination shot and am excited to be fully vaccinated in 5 weeks to go see my parents and entertain again, beginning in June. I will host a hike before then.

I get my second shot tomorrow and I will start mingling with family again as most of my wife's family either has received one shot or both. I may go to the gym to ride the stationary bike, but I will wear a mask and stay away from others.

MM did ask if I would film her speech for her college class. It required positioning props, zooming out and a change from b&w to color mid movie-easy for me to do in imovie. Took 4 hrs Wed night. I did tell KA about it. There was a screw up on her part and she came over the next day to redo it in a much quicker 90 mins. She bought me a 12 pack of beer and wine as a thanks. I was well aware when we sat on the couch to watch the playback, MM leaned on me. She is very touchy with me, despite telling me a story of how another mutual friend upset her by touching her hand while having lunch with her. I gave a her a goodnight hug lifting her and was surprised she wrapped her legs around me! Not sure what was up with that?

Editing and making a good movie is an art. MM got a great deal for a 12 pack and wine. Reminded me of Eddie Van Halen's guitar rift for Michael Jackson's "Beat it". First Eddie cussed out and hung up the phone on Quincy Jones because he thought it was a prank call. Goes in and does an amazing solo and helps reorganize the song with Jackson's approval. Doesn't talk about money and just got paid in beer.

A movie was being filmed there and the four actors were in 17th century clothing. S19 and S26 came over on Sunday to play our superhero miniatures game following my yard work.

The movie sound interesting and your games seem like a great time between you and your sons.

KA has her D8 that weekend.

I thought you did things with KA's daughter. Or is than on occasion and you tend to stay away on the weekends that she has her daughter? Just wondering.

Keep posting and enjoy your life!


Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on April 08, 2021, 03:59:25 PM
Thanks for response Ready

Yes, when KA has her D8 we all do things together and watch a lot of TV movies, but if the weekend has an adult only event we typically pass on it or sometimes get her mom to watch the girl.

On Facebook this week I saw a friend of mine noted she was interested in one of XWs jewelry classes. It is not something I've been tuned into but then I went looking a bit. I don't really care but some curiosity had me looking. It looks like XW's been hosting events at her store for jewelry repair and even full moon seances. I guess she's still fully into her paganism, spiritually etc. I saw a small photo of her and didn't recognize her at first as her hair is shoulder length and white. In another photo on its side she had on a witch hat. I am so relieved to be away from that life as I was captured in hers. I really do enjoy being single... with a gf.

I woke up today with my buddy JS messaging me expecting an apology. wth? He had seen a posted conversation between me and a mutual friend about me hosting parties again. I commented "I've talked with most of the key people who will be fully vaccinated. There are resistors of course , but that's on them for being ignorant and selfish". I wasn't talking about him... but it applied. He got all offended as he is VERY much against the vaccine. He had the gaul to tell me he wishes he got it even. I wrote out a long answer but ran it by KA first and she had me simply reply "I was having a conversation with another friend about how I believe. There is nothing to apologize for. Do what is best for you." KA is like the opposite of drama. So cool and collected and calm. I haven't heard back from JS and honestly without me he has zero social life. I went back to the first time I went over to his house in May '16 and read how maddening it was that he wouldn't stop talking. Nothings changed in almost 5 years. Why do i keep him around me?

I also read when I had met MM. She is coming over tonight to start binge watching the Harry Potter series with me as neither of us has seen them. As much as it seems like people change, I really think it's more about seeing other layers of their personality or getting a clearer view of who they really are. I enjoy removing people from my life that aren't deserving a connection between us. I won't put myself around people I don't like or who have severed the connection.

This weekend is at KAs with no plans. Tuesday 4/13 I have a mandatory COVID test as I a precaution before my routine endoscopy/colonoscopy next FRI. Swell.  :'(

Enjoy life people. None of us get out of here alive. Live it up!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on April 21, 2021, 09:18:06 AM
Test results came back negative which I am happy about.

Yesterday I experienced some stress and it's not like me to get stressed at all! I was quoting on a very unpleasant potential  photo retouching job at work (turning photos of brown wood grain cabinets to white!) when I saw a woman friend create her own party group on facebook and invite me. Really? She has a pool party once a year and she needs a group? I immediately decided thats not for me as she is good friends with the two hateful guys I don't want to be around (one dropped me and the other ignores me-firetruck 'em!) as well as two other women who blocked me for whatever reason on facebook. This same woman the night before had asked me to create a logo for her furniture restoration business which reminded me to get working on it. Then I get a disturbed message from JW who saw my Monday night biking photos with her ex boyfriend and wondered if I would be having him to my June party? I have no issues with the guy but told her I would uninvite him for her... as she has seniority. That decision wasn't sitting well with me and I googled how to invite people that don't get along to an event and it's up to them to work it out. I ran it by KA and she agreed. She doesn't care for the guy but would ignore him and pay attention to those she does like. She wondered why JW even had any status as they've only met a few times in three years. Obviously she doesn't know JW and I have a bit of amorous history before her.

KA came over for our typical Tuesday which included an icecream outing. I can tell she's not thrilled I'll be entertaining in a couple months but accepts it. JW messaged me that she was in a mood but didn't elaborate. I will need to tell her that her ex & his new gf are welcome. I then joined the pool ladys group and as said in previous paragraph, it's up to me to ignore or get along with people I don't like and not let them prevent me from attending events like the pool party, should KA and I decide to go. At this point in life, I like to have a say in who I allow around me.

Tonight MM is coming over to take a 3-hr test and she asked to use one of my computers (in a different room than I'll be) which must have a camera for her instructors to see her (to prevent cheating). Originally MM wanted to take the test without me being home, but I didn't like that idea. I did tell KA about it and she was genuinely supportive in the career goal MM is enroute to in the medical field. I've been having different thoughts about MM lately which confuse my brain a bit. Last week we watched the second Harry Potter film and she was dozing off and I kept nudging her awake. She reminded me if she got tired she could sleep over night in my guest room. Well yeah, but I'm not leaving you in my house while I go to work.

This weekend I am going back to my hiking group with a beach hike cleanup. MM will be there as well as over 30 others. KA is busy with girl scouts and D8. Sunday I am hosting a group of photographers to take pictures of flowers in a preserve near my home.

Take care people. Enjoy life!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on April 30, 2021, 06:23:06 AM

First texting of 2021 with XW this week after she asked me to contribute $ to S25s Summer tuition which his student loans don't cover. I gave her 41% to not wipe out my savings. S25 dropped out of college long ago but now is back in school to be a wine maker. She then messaged me a photo of a jewelry piece Star Wars related she made. We talked about S19s school loan which each of us has a part in repaying and how he is happy installing fences and probably won't go back.

MM came over to watch the third Harry Potter film with me as we do on Thursdays. We talked music awhile and there aren't many woman out there who know who Andy Timmons is, much less went to college with him. She's an odd one-she kept her jacket on most of the time inside. We're sitting on my couch watching the movie and when she did take it off, she stood up removed it and then pulled her stretchy pants halfway down her butt, showing bare ass before pulling them back up and sitting back down. That boggled my mind. I know she is very comfortable being around me but...? The film ended at 10:30 and she said she needed to sleep it off? Sleep what off? The glass of wine? I said okay and she took the guest room with door open and I went to bed. I woke up at 2:30am and I peeked out my bedroom window to see her car still there. At 4:20am when I get up, she was gone. Whatever. I will see her at the beach cleanup hike Saturday (with the hiking group where we met 5 years ago) and shes signed up for my small group of 8 cyclists to bike ride Sunday night.

KA laid some guilt on me this week which I did not like and resisted the urge to engage, defend myself and fight back. She's not pleased the rescheduled hike from last week, I am doing this Sat interrupts 'our' time. She will go home and do yard work and come back over that night. Shes already complaining that we will only get 1 date night a month. Not entirely true but shes the one with a child at home which automatically rules out half my avail dates and I know shes not a fan of my parties which will start back up in June. I wouldn't be surprised if she says something tonight. I paid her $700 for my portion of our July Colorado vacation this week.

I get my second vaccination shot on Thursday and see the CUBS play on FRI with S21. Activites are starting back uo.

KA did message me this morning:
Not sure I'll be good company tonight.  Slept horribly.  Just in a funk.  Anxiety about losing my job.  Feel like we're losing our connection.  Anxiety about D8 and covid. I'm trying just so much right now.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on May 11, 2021, 12:11:26 PM

KA did lose her job today as her company is farming out work.  :(  Fortunately she's employed until end of April 2022 and has a second interview at her company for a different position for more $ tomorrow. It would really put a damper on our relationship if she had to get a job outside her current company and more than likely she'd have to work in Chicago, get home late and see 33% less of me. sigh.

I did wish XW a happy mothers days and said she's a great mom. I went and visited my parents in IL as everyone vaccinated. I also messaged and visited two women from my HS class I hadn't seen in at least 37 years. They were part of the mass adding of old school associates on Facebook. Neither I really talked to back then but online now we often comment on each others posts so why not? The first one I met at the beach and we basically filled in the years since '84. She married and has three kids in the house. The second one had me over in the evening to show me her remodeling, pour me wine and discuss the last three decades and about our divorces and kids. I coulda made a move on her but that wouldn't have been appropriate! Took pics with both and did tell KA I met classmates.

MM had a paper for school and skipped our Harry Potter movie night. JW has been texting me. I had mentioned about her joining me for my Monday night bike ride=she never has free time. Women like that are annoying. Friday night when KA is over we are entertaining another couple of friends and Sunday I am going to a historic baseball game in the park with vintage 100 yr old uniforms. I'm pleased life is getting fuller with more opportunities for fun.

You don't get these days back. Live it up!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on May 24, 2021, 08:04:47 AM

The weekend was splendid. KA opened her pool so I look forward to swimming there in two weeks. I photographed a classic car show and led ten others on a challenging 3 mile hike though the dunes. JS included. MM decided it was too hot and skipped on it.

Speaking of MM, she came over last week for watching the 5th Harry Potter film as we go through them all. She deemed it was too hot in my house and after asking to borrow shorts she decided to spend the evening over sans pants, as her panties were no different than a swim suit bottom right and her shirt was long enough to cover her bottom? MM is very much a matter of fact person. There were no flirty comments or suggestive sayings or such. I guess she is THAT comfortable around me to be in her underwear beside me on the couch. Maybe it was nervousness but i did rub her feet some with her legs across my lap-perhaps I felt like I had to break some tension. Again, just a matter of fact with no sexual connection and she thanked me. I've never really watched TV with a woman I wasn't touching in some casual way, whether XW or some gf.

Three weeks out from my first party after 16 months off I asked KA, JW and MM whom they look forward to seeing and indicated just one person or 'everybody'. JW did ask about her ex-bf (who is now with another woman) if I knew if he was coming. Previously she had indicated I would have to disallow him to come which I agreed to but nothing was mentioned this time, which is good as I backtracked and won't prevent DF from attending. Not sure what to expect but covid precautions are mostly behind us with most vaccinated. I cannot worry about the health of adults choosing to not get vaccinated.

KA and I are looking forward to a long memorial day weekend. We are not going to the singles group picnic. In a way we are kinda done with that group although I will continue to host things (of interest to me) through it. There are members I have no desire to ever see again and will choose who I spend my time with going forward. 
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on May 27, 2021, 08:21:13 AM
Got a text from MM
I’m at El Salto restaurant. Why is your whole family here? XW looks good. She quit dying her hair and she cut it and it’s much more flattering on her. I believe S19 is with his girlfriend. Which other son has a girlfriend? I went over and said hi and introduced myself to XW. I told her I hadn’t seen her since she was working at a show and I complimented her on her hair.

I'm quite sure XW knows who MM is, and certainly all my kids do. I'm not sure why this bothers me to hear all the kids are out with her. Not a big deal. Perhaps being left out which is expected. Boys are always gonna be closer to their mom. I can't complain as I see three of them weekly. I guess I've never tried to arrange dinner out with the lot or even trips away. I'm hopeful XW will move away one day or her marriage breaks.  :D Don't really care. Just hearing of all that makes me feel low and like a failure. I know I'm not. Kinda like why does the OM get to enjoy the company of my family? I wish him ill.

Looking forward to the long memorial day weekend! I did not see KA this week as her D8 got exposed to someone with covid and she had to retrieve her from her partly vaccinated exs home. Assuming that's all fine, I have planned a full weekend for us of new places to go.

I hope things are right in your world. Make moves to keep yourself happy. Much strength to you!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 04, 2021, 10:35:46 AM
Negotiating and sticking to it

A conflict came up and it's been weighing heavily on my mind. This weekend I am going to KAs because she has her D8. A friend of mine invited me to come on by to his pool party on Saturday. This requires me to leave KAs house and return later. As expected she is not happy. Even if she did not have K8 it is not a couples home she would like to go to. They are perceived as obnoxious partiers. This makes me think how do we handle when I can go to something and she cant or wont. If it was a hike I'd just go and come back later. Before covid, Saturday afternoons I did not just hang out at KAs house and watch movies and do stuff around her house. I'd go do things if there were things.

It was always an issue with XW as she'd either lay guilt trips on me or get sad or mad and i wouldn't go and then I'd resent her passive aggressive control over me or I'd go and get questioned where she was and then return home with my tail between my legs like I did something wrong. When I became single I vowed to not let anyone control my actions. Is it crummy to go? I told KA I would make an appearance for a couple hours. She said
Just go.  You're the social butterfly.  I have my responsibilities. I will be fine. Just don't b!tc# at me if we have less time together and you get less sex.

How do you treat situations in a relationship when one can go and the other wont or cant? It's very awkward. I am trying to just be me and she can accept it or not. On the 19th is another party (both MM and JS will be at) and we were both invited. KAs already declined as she has D8. It's not a big deal for me to go and I'm fine missing it as I have my party on the 12th with many of the same people. It is a touchy subject.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on June 04, 2021, 11:15:25 AM

As expected she is not happy. Even if she did not have K8 it is not a couples home she would like to go to. They are perceived as obnoxious partiers.

If this is the case, why go? I understand an opportunity to go to a great party, but is this something you have to do?


When I became single I vowed to not let anyone control my actions. Is it crummy to go? I told KA I would make an appearance for a couple hours.

You have made this crystal clear in your relationship with KA. It's part of your core and you like to be with others and having a good time doing things with groups. Also, don't you do things with KA and her daughter as well?

Just go.  You're the social butterfly.  I have my responsibilities. I will be fine. Just don't b!tc# at me if we have less time together and you get less sex.

Welcome to being in a relationship LOL

How do you treat situations in a relationship when one can go and the other wont or cant? It's very awkward. I am trying to just be me and she can accept it or not.

There is a big difference between can't and won't. I think you need to be sensitive to the days she has her daughter and can't
go as opposed to you invite her and she won't go. Because in the first case, she is stuck at home and feels you are out having a great time. In the second situation, you made the invitation and she declined to go even though she could go. Big difference.

In the end, you have always been your own man and KA has known this all along.

Enjoy your weekend,


Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Ready2Transform on June 04, 2021, 11:44:47 AM
Thank you for reminding me why it is awesome to be single! ;)

My ex always got to go on his reenactment trips whenever he wanted (didn't ask, just informed me of the dates he'd be gone). It was rare, especially once we were married, that I had solo things I could do without him tagging along and guilting me if he wasn't included enough. So I get it. And honestly, I enjoyed my alone time while he was gone, even when we were married (but of course, more now that we're divorced).

I'm on your side on this one because quantity doesn't always mean quality couple time anyway. If when you come back the three of you do something special (like go get ice cream, or have a nice dinner, or see a movie together, whatever), that is a bigger win than just sitting around the house doing nothing, but breathing the same oxygen. And the threat of withholding sex as punishment is a bit of an eye roll to me. Don't you both suffer if you don't feed your intimate life? That's not a reward, it's just part of a healthy connection. But I digress.

You've been upfront. And it's healthy to do solo things sometimes, have his friends/her friends/our friends, and they all don't have to fit in all three categories. You're not married, but I believe that would be the case even if you were. Happiness comes from within, right? We've learned this. You don't have to be each others' everything. So she has more alone time with her daughter to do special things, just the two of them, and you have your afternoon that you want, too.

When those red flags come up that remind you of the past, heed them. Don't repeat that past toxicity.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on June 04, 2021, 12:49:26 PM

And the threat of withholding sex as punishment is a bit of an eye roll to me. Don't you both suffer if you don't feed your intimate life? That's not a reward, it's just part of a healthy connection. But I digress.

Excellent point by the other Ready.

When those red flags come up that remind you of the past, heed them. Don't repeat that past toxicity.

Another valid point.

Disregard my milk toast response and stick with what the other Ready wrote. I really agree. After all, you could be stuck one weekend doing something with your kids and she would be free to do what she wanted to do as well.

Enjoy the weekend,

Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Curiosity on June 04, 2021, 02:25:19 PM

You've been upfront. And it's healthy to do solo things sometimes, have his friends/her friends/our friends, and they all don't have to fit in all three categories. You're not married, but I believe that would be the case even if you were. Happiness comes from within, right? We've learned this. You don't have to be each others' everything. So she has more alone time with her daughter to do special things, just the two of them, and you have your afternoon that you want, too.

So much great stuff from both Readys, but this is what I am learning, as much as anything, when I think about what I want any future relationship to look like. If I were pursuing a new relationship, or definitively reconnecting with my W, I would insist on discussing this openly and regularly to ensure we were both on the same page about spending time pursuing solo interests versus shared time together. And I think it changes - we go through stretches where we need to connect with friends or pursue a particular hobby that our partner may not enjoy, and times where we seek more closeness and intimacy and quality time with our partner. I feel like there’s a lot of space in there for getting on the same page; what’s important is the motivation for spending time either together or apart. It’s about pursuing one’s own happiness - not momentary pleasure, necessarily, but the longer term happiness that comes with pursuing the things that are meaningful to each of us in a balance that meets our needs. Intimacy with a partner, time spent with family, socializing with friends, time spent alone... each of us has our own perfect balance, and hers won’t be the same as yours. All you can do is exactly what you’re doing - be honest with her and be true to your own needs and motivations. And there shouldn’t be any negative repercussions for time spent recharging your own battery. It might mean you make a point of spending some couple time together as well, but that should be something that recharges you both, too.

Of course, having a live-in MLCer who might be trying to peek out of the tunnel (no way to know so I’m not dwelling on it) means that I think about these things and I talk about them here and with friends, but I don’t actually have relationship talks. But someday, when I am actually in a position to have these sorts of conversations, the above is more or less what these months of introspection have revealed.
Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: forthetrees on June 04, 2021, 03:38:05 PM
Perhaps worth exploring if it´s a case of envy- she wishes she could be free to go without child responsibility or jealousy- she´s concerned that someone will be making the moves on you while she´s not there. Is it the time away, the activity or the people? Would it matter if you spent the same amount of time away with your sons? Was there advance notice? Did she have a prior understanding that you´d be spending the weekend together. Maybe it´s not about the party but rather about the when and how she got notified. But you´ll only know if you have a calm conversation.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: OffRoad on June 04, 2021, 06:02:10 PM
 Were you up front?  Did you say you were going to spend the weekend with KA unless something better came along? When you make plans with someone, it is rude to go do something "better" that comes along after you made the original plans. That is just plain manners.  Do you have FOMO, STP? Are you so afraid of missing a possibly great party you would throw manners out the window if you hadn't been truly up front?

If you DID tell KA you'd hang out with her except if something better came along, then you made it clear. If you told KA that you'd hang out except for this party when you originally said you'd hang out, you also made it clear. If that is the case, you do as you said you would do and also reap what you have sown. If you don't want to be beholden to anyone, then why should you care what KA wants or thinks?

If you DO care about what she thinks and feels, that doesn't mean she "controls" you. She is also free to tell you what she thinks and feels. Then, if it's a healthy relationship, you work it out. If you didn't really make it clear this time, make sure you do next time. Agree to stay at the party for x time and return by y time. Yes, that's a commitment.  Are you up for that or no?  If no, be clear about that.

Saying "I'm going to go where ever I want whenever I want, and I don't care how you feel about it" is clear. Saying "I'll hang out at your place with you and your D" is also clear, as there is no "except" clause. Deciding after agreement on plans that you want to change the plans for you is poor manners and you can expect that the original person you had plans with will be disappointed and unhappy.

If you wanted to go to a party or what have you when you had no plans with KA, then if you want to invite her to go with you, you do. If you don't, then you don't. If she can't go, sucks to be her, but life goes on. If she doesn't want to go, her choice.

How the situation came to be matters, not just if she can or wants to go. Were you 100% transparent and honest? Did she change if she wanted you to go if she agreed you'd hang out unless something better came up? It's not just cut and dried based on one person not liking the other's response.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: OffRoad on June 04, 2021, 06:49:01 PM
Adding that this:
Just go.  You're the social butterfly.  I have my responsibilities. I will be fine. Just don't b!tc# at me if we have less time together and you get less sex.

Is NOT threatening to withold sex in any way shape or form. We on this forum have zero knowledge of what has happened in the past between STP and KA.  If her experience is that he goes off, returns late, and she's already asleep, hence no sex that night,  or they only get it on twice instead of four times, she's just being straight that she expects that if there isn't time for as much sex as might be normal, he doesn't get to complain since he minimized the time. She's not wrong that less time equals less time for anything, sex included.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 07, 2021, 10:58:49 AM
Thanks all for your comments!

The event and reaction turned out to be fine. I told KA I would be back at 5pm and it was 5:03pm when I pulled in her drive (the gathering was 45 mins away). I also used my old tactic of having her 'remind' me I better get going to the event. I knew precisely when I wanted to leave and it was 10 mins after that she told me I better go. I didn't make a big deal out of it and it wasn't.

It was a nonevent and ones imagination was wilder then anything in reality. The couples parents and siblings were there as well as her work friends and I merely floated in the pool with some kid, drank a  beer and Cokes and took a selfie with the host. After 100 mins I left and it was enough time to have made an impact-they were pleased I showed up. I've only met them twice before. He had paid me to be his photographer at his Halloween party.

When I got back to KAs she was grilling. I provided just a tad of info about the event (figuring if she cared for more she'd ask) and helped her make dinner and the three of us plus her mom went to an ice skating show.

Another event is coming up on the 19th where she has D8 and can't go and may feel left out or jealous? I have had a FOMO in the past. Tried to get over it but haven't. What will I miss if I go vs. what will I miss if I don't go? Negatives of going to the party are its a dress up event and I don't like the theme and also two guys attending I do not get along with and would rather not see them ever again. On the other hand, the host is coming to mine this Sat and I kinda feel like I should his. Many of my close friends MM, JS and others will be there (although I will see them this Sat.) If KA and I had plans it'd be easier but if we're just gonna watch TV (what D8 wants) I feel like I'm missing out. I'm undecided for now but it would mean I could not stay overnight if I went.

In a way KA's already done all her partying with not having a kid until age 39. We view our together time differently. For me there are days I see her and days I don't. Whether other people are around makes no difference to me if she's present. For her its days we are alone and days we aren't. I often feel if she had her way I'd have no friends and just spend all my time with her.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Nas on June 07, 2021, 11:15:30 AM
So right up front, I realize how judgmental I'm going to sound, but I'm still going to say it.
STP, do you want a healthy committed relationship, or do you want a woman who is committed to you while you still entertain the advances of other woman and perhaps keep a door slightly cracked to other options? 

The latter is the sense I get from reading your long time of journaling since you and KA became a couple. 

As a grown man in your 50s with adult children, would it not be better to explore the reasons why you have FOMO, rather than engage in "tactics" (manipulating situations) to keep your committed partner from feeling upset?  Wouldn't it be better if you two sat down and had a healthy discussion and came to a workable solution, rather than her feeling left out, you feeling FOMO and neither of you addressing yourselves or each other? 

I don't mean to come off preachy.  These are honest questions.  I'm exploring a lot of things myself and this is just an honest outsider view of what I see in your journaling.  From some of your past posts, I have truly felt you don't treat KA the way you would like her to treat you.  Would you like her to be alone with a close male friend, giving him foot massages and contemplating how easily it would be to him into bed that night if she wanted to? Again, honest questions, I think if you want a healthy, happy and peaceful relationship, these might be interesting things for you to contemplate.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: OffRoad on June 07, 2021, 03:47:19 PM
The event and reaction turned out to be fine. I told KA I would be back at 5pm and it was 5:03pm when I pulled in her drive (the gathering was 45 mins away).
Very respectful, and I'm sure she noticed it.

When I got back to KAs she was grilling. I provided just a tad of info about the event (figuring if she cared for more she'd ask) and helped her make dinner and the three of us plus her mom went to an ice skating show.
HAHAHA! At first I thought you were going to say she was grilling YOU! This was so much better!

I'm undecided for now but it would mean I could not stay overnight if I went.
You could not stay overnight where? At the party or are KA's? Is staying overnight at a party a thing where you live?  ???

In a way KA's already done all her partying with not having a kid until age 39. We view our together time differently. For me there are days I see her and days I don't. Whether other people are around makes no difference to me if she's present. For her its days we are alone and days we aren't. I often feel if she had her way I'd have no friends and just spend all my time with her.
This is you projecting what you think on KA, you know that, right?  KA might want to party but takes her responsibilities to her daughter seriously. Those two things are not mutually exclusive, so you'd have to ask her if she just doesn't want to party. Or just doesn't want to party as much as you do. Or doesn't like going to parties where an MM or JM or some other initials woman is coming on to you and you do not rebuff them and tell them to keep their body parts off of you because you are with KA. Or would like to party but takes her responsibility to her D seriously. Any of those could be a possibility, but you won't know unless you actually ask her and get her answer.

I can understand her wanting to have time with her significant other alone. When you aren't alone, your attention is divided and it's possible she may get very little of your time when others are around. Most people would like a certain amount of special person time, whether it's intimate or just watching TV. It makes them feel special to each other. For the average person, a significant other is not plug and play, they can't just take someone else and plug them into an empty spot in their lives. On the other hand, of course, we each need to be able to do our own things that we enjoy. It's what a real relationship is all about. Finding that sweet spot for both can take some work. If you know the event is coming up and it's D8 weekend, you should go if you want to. If KA is envious, that is on her as long as you had not already promised to do something with her on that day.

You get to have your own life. If you do it with honor, integrity, loyalty and a decent moral compass, then if KA might be envious she cannot always join you or will miss having that time with you, it will be because she enjoys your presence and is sad you are elsewhere.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 14, 2021, 10:53:16 AM
Thanks for your replies Nas and Offroad.

It is more likely the latter if I'm being 100% honest Nas. FOMO can be attributed. I feel very much like I'm living my last days and I don't want to have regrets or say 'no' to things of interest and entertaining to me. Could this be a poor mans MLC? KA and I are in discussions all the time about our schedules and are aware of our time together.  According to a Facebook word search quiz, TIME is my most typed word. KA preferred 2020 when she was my only avenue of socialization. I see all sorts of fun things happening for us in June and she just sees them as not 'us' time. We only have the last weekend this month without her D8 and we will go to a water circus together and a friends wedding (LD, JS and MM will probably be there too). We are done binging TV shows Tuesday nights and tomorrow I am taking her to a comedy club as a date. Two of our Tuesdays in the next month have become solo things for her (a hair cut and zoo with her mom) so she's choosing those things over time with me. I'm not needy like I used to be when married. I have lots of things to do and if I don't see her for 5 days I'm okay. I offered to see her Mondays, the other weeknight she's free but those are reserved for her chores, since D8 not with her.

Friday night I went to KAs and along with D8, her mom accompanied us to the local carnival. Afterward, I saw a journal laying out that had my name on it. I asked her what it was and it's a book where she writes down our dates. Oh? She is very much keeping track of things. I mentioned to you her constant list making right?

My party Saturday went over well. I had 20 people attend and the back yard with strung lights, illuminated the yard very well. Relaxing and talking was what people wanted/needed and not a dancing party. A chance to get together with friends, not seen in over a year. The usual friends were there. JW came and I gave her no special attention. It was a fun night and I took selfies with 90% of the guests.

KA is actually giving me clothing suggestions for the 1920's theme party I will attend this Sat night. She's finding me things to wear to the event she can't go to. Before I leave for that we will have pool time and pick strawberries together. Us 3. I will be subdued going out without her. I hope to not sensationalize my posts here but things are very good between us. We have intertwined lives that come together 3 nights a week and we make it work. She'll say NO! louder than me if anyone suggests us getting married.  :D

I messaged XW to see if she would pay half for digitizing our kids home movie VHS tapes to mp4 videos and she said yes and thanked me for spearheading the restoration project. I actually went to her Facebook page with an alternate account to look around. Glad I'm no longer under her thumb. I'm happy with the life I've made the last 5 years.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 21, 2021, 12:40:29 PM

Done watching Harry Potter films with MM, we were talking about what next to watch. She came over later than desired Thursday and decided we should go to the beach instead of watching something. It was very pleasant outside and the beach is just 2 miles away. It reminded me of when we went 4.5 years ago, she got drunk and we slept there until like 4 am until rain started and she threw up in my driveway. Read entry here:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8106.msg528413#msg528413 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8106.msg528413#msg528413)

We didn't drink and just sat, me on a blanket and her in the sand and talked: topics were way out there. I think we talked mostly about UFOS until after 11pm. Like my XW, MM is very much in control of what is discussed. I think tiny beach bugs came out after sunset and bit us as our legs have small red spots on them. Darn ankle biters!

Friday night I went to KAs and had a good time. Saturday we four went strawberry pocking (us, her D8 and mom) until it was my time to leave for the two parties: A friends 50th and the 1920 themed party. She texted me to behave and I replied I was just hanging out with JS there and drinking water. The next days seeing photos I took she questioned if i was the 'party photographer' now. No, but I enjoy taking photos. Despite me saying I missed her presence she disagreed and said she was unhappy and complained we've not had a full weekend together  in weeks and that I ditch her to do other things. I reminded her before Covid we did not spend the Sat afternoons she had D8 together, but she considers when I have gone to hikes as ditching her. I did remind her, I have a Sunday photographer event coming up July 4th which normally would be occur after I've left her house but because of holiday I will go back to her place after. I then asked her why she does things like the zoo with her mom and gets haircuts on Tuesdays when thats our one weekday to be together. We texted and made compromises and I don't anticipate me ditching her for the foreseeable future. I reminded her we have a date this Friday and shes going to move earlier her zoo trip with her mom to still come over Tuesday night. Now I know how she feels about it. There may be conflicts in the fall when she has D8 and I get invited elsewhere. Her mom is always an option to babysit for the night.

Saturday is a friends very small second wedding and I've been asked to photograph it. JS, KA and her bestie LD will be there as well as RH and some others. MM cannot attend. RH is a former good friend whom I've mentioned her 1.5 years ago. revealed to KA ambushed me at my beach party kissing me. I'll let them figure all that out.
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10460.msg740249#msg740249 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10460.msg740249#msg740249)

Sunday my entire family is coming to visit from IL (save one bro from WI). KA will stay later on Sun to visit and go to the beach with us all.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 25, 2021, 06:45:12 AM
Lil bits.

BF re-friended me on Facebook. Not sure why I was dropped awhile back or re-added. Whatever.

JW and I had plans to go biking like I do on Mondays but she was sick enough to skip work and that didn't happen
Tuesday KA came over after the zoo and we had a good night. We've both been so tired.

DC texted me asking for prayers. Sounds like her son punctured his stomach with his bike handlebars. Surgery went well but he'll be there 4-5 days. Guess I should be flattered she felt like telling me this? She must not know or care I'm an atheist but I wished strength to them both and showed concern.

MM came over for Thursday movie night and we watched Mission Impossible 5. She asked me to rub her shoulders claiming a sore spot preventing her from sleeping. She's wanting me to go to a concert with her in Aug. but that would mean giving up a night with KA and I know that won't be well received and I'd rather not. MM is seeing the same artist in 3 weeks. No desire to see that concert having gone myself 2 years ago. Happily when movie ended she left and I got 6 hrs of sleep. KAs bestie LD texted me:
Was out your way last night, I went to the circus. Do you guys not believe in street lights? So dark there.
Had me wondering if she drove by my place and saw MMs car but she did not. Nothing was going on.

XW texted me concerned about S21. Says he drinks and passes out every night and came home tipsy after a party. She's worried he's gonna be an alcoholic. I told her I'll talk with him this weekend. S21 and I do the most together 1-on-1 of my four sons. He just bought a house in her town. Less than 15 mins from me.

Seems I'm Mr. Go, Go, Go again with activities. Water circus tonight, friends wedding tomorrow and my entire family (parents, siblings & kids-17 people) coming from IL on Sunday. I hope you're all well and living life BIG.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on June 26, 2021, 06:05:25 AM

She texted me to behave

You know that's not going to happen. I just don't see you as the type to be sitting quietly in the corner and hanging out.

but that would mean giving up a night with KA and I know that won't be well received and I'd rather not.

Good thinking, that will prevent a lot of potential headaches later.

Seems I'm Mr. Go, Go, Go again with activities.

It's your personality and you have to live your life with what makes you comfortable.

I hope you're all well and living life BIG.

I did water activities with the scholars yesterday. Two hours setting it up, three hours of activities with three grade levels, and clean-up. I put in 14,000 steps during the entire day and I went home exhausted but feeling content that we had such an awesome day!

Enjoy your weekend,


Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 29, 2021, 12:21:33 PM
Thanks for comments Ready. Journalling

My weekend was fantastic! The acrobatic circus was thrilling and very enjoyable with KA.

Saturdays friends wedding was fine with me being photographer but the reception left us feeling rather dry with no alcohol and the bright lights of the church hall were not adequate for dancing either. Fun chatting with 5 friends including KA, buddy JS and LD.

Sunday was my family day and all 18 of us went to the beach. KA opted to not go choosing to stay behind in my house alone. When we didn't arrive back from the beach at the scheduled 2pm and no text from me she got mad and left after getting all the food ready for us. Some of us didn't even get there until 1pm. I texted her when we were leaving to come back. She felt used and I apologized time got away from us to be home by 3pm. We did not text until bedtime. I had also given KA a Chicago CUBS shirt i bought her to wear when we go see them. She is a White Sox fan and left the shirt even after i bought tickets. She told me she didn't care if they won or not. It did make me wonder how we are together when we really have little in common. Our biggest shared feature may just be our devotion to being together. 2 weeks til our vacation. Going to Colorado for a week with her mom, D8 and sharing a house with her older sister and husband.

MM again asked me about the Sammy Hagar concert and I told her
Honestly i have no interest. Just saw him two years ago. I'm not like you and will go every time they come around. You're seeing him July 16 and would go again in Sept? I'm not like that.
She's not someone I like to say no to but not gonna sacrifice my own self to do what she wants us to do. She woulda bailed immediately from the wedding reception with no alcohol. I'm glad she wasn't there. She's a priss.

I texted DC and gave her what days I can take her photo. She had wanted pics of herself before she turns 50 mid July. I'll be on vacay in Colorado with KAs family and have lots of other things so she has 4 chances. Her loss if she passes on them.

Fireworks tomorrow over Lake Michigan with kids. S26 typically doesn't go. I was supposed to go to a concert with S21 this Thursday but it's sold out so prob will be Mission Impossible 6 with MM instead. This weekend I'm at KAs because of D8 being home. Sunday I have a photograph session with four women friends photographing an old collapsing church in Gary, IN. Because the area can be sketchy, I've asked a few of my sons to come with us for security. They like urban decay anyway and are familiar with where we're going. I also invited kids to come over that night and light off their fireworks.

I stumbled onto my XWs  facebook business page and saw a video of OM. Her store looks fledged out and full of stuff. It's open 28 hrs a week. Just so glad to not be part of her life anymore. I had lost my identity and was swallowed up tending to her.

Water circus from Italy
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on July 02, 2021, 09:52:42 AM

S21 and I did get tickets for the Eagles tribute band concert last night and despite MM saying it's the only band she's ever walked out on, she opted to see them again and we three drove together. At the event I met TB, a woman I posted about 4 years ago in the first paragraph here:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8592.msg577165#msg577165 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8592.msg577165#msg577165)
She's a big cyclist and knows I've been biking Monday nights. We talked of getting together sometime after my vacation to bike ride. We both expressed how comfortable it is to talk to one another and I took a photo with her. I've been trying to take a selfie with all my Facebook friends. Just passed 140 pics.

A 5 years known friend, RB, a ditzy blond lawyer, texted me she was running late and asked me to save her a space on the lawn. She revealed she woulda stayed home from the concert, but because I was going, decided to come. I recalled she was a bit touchy feely at my last party-the kind of person who will touch you when she talks to you. Anyway, she wants me to take a new professional headshot of her. After my vacation we'll set something up for a photo session at her house. She said it's important she's really happy and not posing with a fake smile and that I always make her happy.  MM can't stand her.

This weekend is at KAs which will involve swimming in her pool, and seeing fireworks.
Have a safe and joyous 4th of July. Here's two pics from the fireworks show I just saw.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on July 23, 2021, 05:47:03 AM
I got kissed and it wasn't my gf.

S21 was supposed to go with me to a Led Zeppelin tribute concert last night but informed me he'll be busy packing. I went with MM instead. We met with some other friends including my realtor/yoga instructor DS suffering from poison ivy rash. The show was great, loud and enjoyable. I've probably seen them 6x now. Another woman friend attending, SL is a tall 6'1 blonde of Danish descent I've known 5 years. I'm Danish/German as well. SL dated my buddy JS a bit last year until she had to run from all his talking. I've known since the day we met, she likes me. Shes 9 years older but still looks great and JS confirmed it. Anyway, MM had us in the front row and my ears were getting blown out so I went back rows to film a song and SL, who hung on me some of the night, sitting next to me and casually touching me a lot, came to say goodbye and kissed me on the cheek. She then ambushed me with a kiss on the lips. I didn't make a big deal outta it. No one needs to know. The last friend RH who did that, I told on to KA and they've not been seen together since.

XW texted me with a photo of S21s house. I thanked her for guiding him and helping with the purchase. He is my most successful son. I'll go check it out on Sunday with KA. Same city as XW and my other sons, just 12 mins from me.

KA and I had a wonderful nine day trip to CO with her D8 & mom last week.  It was a family reunion for her with sister and husband, brother and wife and their two adult kids. Every day was an event: Seven Falls, Royal Gorge, Cheyne Mountain Zoo, Pikes Peak and the Garden of the Gods. There were times when D8 was VERY irritating with her phone/tablet addiction and I am glad to be away from her awhile! JW messaged me while I was on vacation just to ask how my vacation was going.

Tonight KA and I are going to a winery for improv comedy. Tomorrow is my sports shirt party. Looks to be smaller with just over a dozen attending.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on July 29, 2021, 10:46:13 AM

I messaged DC about getting together for a drink, since I haven't seen her since last Sept. but after agreeing to it, she ignored my question of her availability. Whatever. Inconsistent flaky women are annoying AF. No more reaching out to her.

KA and I went to winery improv comedy. Sat in front row and her 'words from the audience' were picked often. She's a quick thinker. Saturday we went to the beach and that night was my sports shirts party. Lightly attended with a dozen friends and was over way early at 11:40pm. Another sit and talk party which I'm not a fan of. My year younger, lawyer friend RB was in rare form and not a ditzy blond. Buddy JS and I commented we liked this side of her much more. MM had to work late and missed my party. I started thinking towards my Aug. party but decided to cancel it. Tuesday I went to KAs and we helped her mom tie up a drooping tree.

Tonight I am going to RBs house to professionally photograph her. A headshot for her law practice. Shes giving us local professional Gary, IN baseball tickets as a thanks. I did inform KA I'm going over to keep transparent. I don't expect RB to be in her ditzy flirt mode (often punching me in the arm). Afterwards tonight I prob will go with MM to a Beatles tribute.

This weekend KA, D8 and I are going camping in a tent. She's always so prepared and has everything, so it should be easy going and fun. After this I won't see D8 until her birthday 4 weeks from now.

Keep on living it up-we don't get these days back!

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on August 12, 2021, 10:31:53 AM

I hope you are all well and healthy and your MLCer is not difficult.

BF texted me to ask when she got divorced from OM.  Odd she couldn't remember it was 2017. I guess after five years he stops paying her child support. Both kids are well over 18 but it was for other reasons. We also discussed my XWs metaphysical store having come upon videos online of it.

S21 bought his house and it's in need of some fixing up but it's plenty of space for him in a good quiet location. Tonight he and I are going to see a Queen tribute band (Tom Petty was last week) and possibly riding with MM to the location. I'm a bit upset with her after last night. She invited me to join her and former coworkers of hers at a restaurant. I was prompt and she was 45 mins late and then texted me to see where I was (at a table) and they were all in the bar. I had taken the liberty of grudgingly ordering food, not wanting to be the only one 'just drinking' and the opposite occurred and I ate by myself. I was pissed and didn't want to be there with her friends. A mutual friend I like showed up 90 mins late and I just said bye and left. MM is thinking of trying to date one of the guys and feels the need to relate details to me. I will say 'no' to her next time she tries to round up all her friends to one location. It didn't matter I was there.

KA and I have been very active going to all sorts of fun places; museum, local and professional baseball games, renaissance faire, and will continue this weekend with a night of live bands and the demolition derby at the county fair.

A month to go until my wine party unless I cancel due to rising COVID cases. Hope not. I've been thinking a lot about working out but have thus far in '21 failed to do so. Sept is my fave month to run. Hope to start up again, although I worry about my knees. Perhaps running is behind me until I lose more weight. Take it slow.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on August 13, 2021, 06:00:08 AM
Just venting to release angst

Had a great time with S21 and MM at the Queen tribute concert last night. A lotta friends were there but we didn't like where they were sitting so MM picked a better spot with a few others. DS, my realtor and close friend of MMs showed up late and joined us. At the break DS and I talked about things like her realtor biz, yoga classes on the beach and her acting gigs in local plays. I noticed she either intentionally or not pressed her impressive chest up to me while talking... a lot. When the show started back up I was behind her and MM and with jostling from the crowd would occasionally bump into them. DS said to me to stop grabbing her ass and it was a serious remark. My palms were facing me and I thought if I wanted to grab you, there'd be no mistaking it. After the event MM told me that DS complained to her I was grabbing her. WTF?! That comment not only is untrue and hurtful but enrages me. Made me think about how men can get falsely accused for things like rape. MM called her a prick tease and the whole thing left me with a bad taste in my mouth. She may look appealing on the outside but her inner workings are distasteful and ugly.

5 more concerts before months end. Looking forward to staying in tonight with KA.
Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: marvin4242 on August 14, 2021, 04:46:52 AM
Made me think about how men can get falsely accused for things like rape. MM called her a prick tease and the whole thing left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

STP: sorry about the unpleasant experience, and the comments are definitely out of line and uncalled for about what you were doing. I get that it is upsetting and made you upset.

I still have to say I am a little bothered by the above sentence. I personally think its a very large leap to go from being in an uncomfortable situation like that to men being falsely accused of rape. There are orders of magnitude more sexual assault, abuse, threats and rape than there are cases of “false rape” to begin with. In fact just last night a 19 year daughter of a friend called me hysterically crying because two guys sitting in a train across from here were openly talking about raping her in front her so she could hear, but how it would not be worth the effort because she would probably go to the police and cry about it. Sadly a lot of women experience this kind of thing and much worse, than men are falsely accused.

Secondly there is a huge leap from someone sending mixed signals and maybe even saying inappropriate things about a man’s behaviour to false rape. That is a little like comparing someone raising their voice to attempted murder in my book.

Unfortunately we (men) are tainted by the inappropriate behaviour and actions of so many of our fellow “men” that sometimes we get caught in the expected bad behaviour of our compatriots.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on August 19, 2021, 06:25:15 AM
Thanks for the reply marvin4242,

I was wrong to even bring the word rape into my post, as that is a hideous criminal form of assault, which is not relatable to false accusations of what transpired. DS is a woman who thrives on men's attention. Perhaps it makes her feel desired and powerful to lead men on? MM and I went to a concert in the park last night and DS came. I kept at arms length with her and we talked less. The three of us did take a pic together and she mentioned me coming to see her in her play. Possibly in Oct on a Sunday afternoon.

Yesterday was S29s birthday and I would have seen him but he had plans with his brothers and my XW to go on that long postponed Mothers Day excursion on the lake. I did send S29 a video of me playing with him when he was 6 mos old and XW was narrating. My how far we've come since then. She sounded so innocent, young and sweet. I imagine until a wedding or grandkids I won't see her and that's fine.

Tonight is another concert with MM and a different group of friends than last night. Being in DCs city I invited her and JH to attend the event in the park. JH I haven't mentioned on here in years as she's dropped out of sight since her nephews passing. It's a short 90 min event. Tomorrow night KA and I will go to a festival and see live music and eat from food trucks. Saturday we go to my parents in IL with S21 and see Styx. Hotels are crazily priced so we will sleep at my parents house and return on Sunday. I'll prob have buddy JS over then to binge watch a TV series.

Life goes on. If you are miserable, it's up to you to make the best of your situation and be happy. Live it up.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on August 27, 2021, 05:36:39 AM

I had a fun weekend with KA  which included sleeping at my parents house. While I was at the Styx concert with KA and S22 a video arrived from DC. In  the preview I could see cleavage. I ran all sorts of scenarios thru my head on how to reply but waited 18 hrs until I was alone to see what it was. It was just her calmly petting her cat alone on a Sat night. Since I clammed up about being blown off and pulling away she started sending me memes etc to break the tension.

Yesterday was S22s birthday and he had plans with his brothers and mom. I did hear from XW too
Hey, been having to help the kids out with money and could use some help. Had to buy S29 a $550 set of tires. We bought the part to fix S26s car which was $280 and OM spent two days putting it in. Also had to give S29 $250 in cash when he was short a few weeks ago and now S26 is two months behind on his car payment and another $380 to get him current. I just used all my money to buy tickets to FL to see my dad who isn't doing well and may not last long. We paid S26s $1400 in tuition the loans didn't pay.
I asked how I could help and she said S26 has four credit cards, four jobs and is in school and his car is the biggest issue. Blah blah blah. Not gonna go into it here. I hate to hear from her as it's typically texts like this.

S19 switched jobs from fence installation to getting in the carpenters union. I now have three kids in the  trades: electrician and welder being the others. S26 who lives with S29 is the financially troubled one in school to be a wine maker.

Met MM and a couple other friends at Led Zeppelin tribute last night. I was gonna pass on it until I learned JH was gonna be there. We met her and her sister at a rooftop bar after the show. It was good to see JH after a couple years and she was happy to see me.

This weekend I'm at KAs for her D9s birthday pool party tomorrow. Sunday I'll join MM, RB and thirty others at a friends house for a backyard picnic and possible trip to the beach. The activity train just keeps on rollin'. Stay sane people. Life is beautiful if you can roll with the punches.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on September 13, 2021, 06:32:26 AM

XW contacted me to pay half of S26s new car battery. sigh.

This weekend was my 5th annual red wine party and largest ever with 31 bottles sampled in under 90 minutes. KA had been concerned with me having 30+ people in my house (some of which I had never met) so I moved the tasting outside and food closer to the patio door (kitchen instead of dining room).  Most I knew the vaccination status of. MM came late and left early and told me later she was tired and not feeling into partying. Buddy JS was the last one to leave and irritated me right at the end following me around as I was cleaning talking politics!

There were several new people to my home and some I was meeting for the first time. Two were friends from IL making their first party appearance including a woman I went to HS with over 30 years ago. KA for the first time did not spend the night. A given reason was her ex through D9 expressed a complaint that KA was not spending enough time with D9 when she had her weekends (without me being along). Another reason was KA wanted to stay clear of me after my exposure to all these unknown people because of Covid-19. She told me that morning she would not kiss me after the party started which wasn't true. I was okay with her leaving. I'm so busy hosting and she just chatted with LD and a few others. There's a rich Indian guy who has pursued her in the past, who was there but I've been assured he's just a friend and he was trying to for LD too.
The next morning when I posted pictures the questions I knew were coming from KA came. She wondered who the HS woman was and about another new busty woman who seemed to be laying her head on me in a selfie. It was the rotation of the pic and that wasn't the case. Whatever. It's important for me to keep making new friends as old ones fade away.

JW, the talkative nurse, and I were texting about concerts and she texted she hadn't seen one in decades. I texted I'm going to one by myself this WED and she asked to come along. Well, that would mean selling my ticket and buying more expensive tickets so we'd be together. I decided too much work. She asked about the wine party and might come help drink from some of the 18 leftover wine bottles this week.

This upcoming weekend KA and I are going to IL for a grade school friend of mines wife's 50th birthday. Their garage parties are an annual event (except cancelled the last three years) and in the past I've taken XW, GW and CH there. We will drive back that night as Sunday I am leading a like for 17 people and KA begins teaching Sunday school again at her church.

I hope you are all happy in your lives and don't let your mate take up too much of your 'me' time. Don't lose track of who you are as an individual.


Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on September 28, 2021, 10:26:10 AM
Not a whole lot to say

The hike I had on the 19th was well attended and knowing the parking lot is tiny I had JW carpool with me to it. Even then the lot was closed and my hikers were in the overflow lot (Some I shuttled from the nearby school). Being the host, I talked and walked with most. I was well aware I left JW to walk with a new member of the group... and knew by doing so they would be creating a bond. They sat by one another at the restaurant and I see today they signed up for the singles group hayride within 1 min of each other. Matchmaker me. After the hike I had JW stop in to drink some of the leftover wine for 15 mins and gave her a bottle and a kiss. I told her to take it slow as she tends to fall fast for the first guy she meets.

If you recall this summer I left KAs on Saturday to go to a pool party. The couple are the ones who have hosted some enormous past Halloween parties I photographed at. It's where I met DC in '16. Anyway I saw today the guy was listed as single on Facebook. I texted the woman RS to hear how she's filed for divorce as her hubby has cheated on her 4x since Christmas (all different women). I gave her lots of advice that helps in thos agony days of splitting up. I told her if it ever got really bad (they are still in same house as she has nowhere to go) she could stay overnight in my guest room. I would of course tell KA if that was to occur. I remember seeing RS on the dating apps in the weeks after CH and I broke up but knew she wasn't really avail. I knew her H being a pig. He messaged KA the night after he met her at his party.

I'm still on my XWs jewelry mailing list. Her life is busy and I am glad to not be involved with it as I know how my birthday and Halloween would be all about her. Her store is 6 months old now. I know the slave the OM has become to her.

KA and I have been busy doing things as a couple and foursome with her mom and D9. To a friends party in IL and various craft shows. Tonight she's coming over with cookies for after dinner and we will watch a movie: A Quiet Place 2. This weekend we have no plans yet.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 12, 2021, 08:21:40 AM
Checking in.

S22, S19 and S26 were over last night to play our weekly game of Heroclix. The two youngest mentioned to me XW was having a Halloween party the same night as mine and they were deciding which to go to. I imagine they will go to both? I wasn't expecting them at mine although they did come in '19. According to my XWs newsletter she was going to be at a restaurant doing a Witches Night Out. Whatever. It did send me curiously browsing her jewelry page on facebook. I skimmed a few videos to see how she looks. Heavier and completely gray. Lots more tattoos! That was one thing S19 and S22 took from her... the desire for them. They thought it funny no one else in my family, parents, 4 brothers, nieces and nephews has any. Just not our thing. She got her first one when the MLC was starting and perhaps it's still going 12 years later since first BD? I did see as recently as june she had pink hair which also emerged in those early days. I look at her and see parts of the woman I married and loved and other parts that are so foreign and repulsive. I'm much happier where I am now 5 years D.

JW asked if she could bring a +1 to my party. No doubt it's the cop whom I let her alone with on my hike. Shes so blonde-makes a public appearance and pursues the first guy who gives her time. I saw on Facebook he has a 3 yr old. That'll require patience. He backed out of the singles hayride this weekend which shes still going to along with 60 other singles. Whatever.

KA is coming over tonight and Friday we are going to a comedy club with 4 others including LD. Saturday we are attending a friends bonfire. A small chance a jealous enemy of mine will be there, but I heard from MM he's listed his house and is going to more out of state. Good riddance.

I hope you are all well, safe and happy. Live it up best you can. We don't get these days back!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 26, 2021, 07:11:42 AM

I had my birthday and XW messaged me Happy birthday Old Man 🤣🎂

MM came over and watched a movie. She's peculiar complaining its hot but wears her jacket inside only to stand to remove it later. She asked me to print some items for her class bulletin board and thanked me with a 12-pack of beer. I asked her to pick the printouts up when KA wasn't over and she told me she "didn't like sneaking around and if she had wanted to date me she woulda long ago". Well that's not true as I've been with various gfs from the week after I met her. Right, it's no big deal. She broke it off with the guy she was seeing after 3 mos.

I went to my realtor DSs play on Sunday afternoon. Told KA I was going,. 'The Butler Did It'. I was impressed with her acting and ability to remember all that. Afterwards DS invited me to join her and a few of the cast for lunch. It was alright and I took a couple pics of us.

KA and I celebrated our joint birthday as hers is two days before mine and we met in the middle for dinner. KA is 6 years younger. She bought me a new watch. At her place I saw a small notebook with my name on it. I just glanced inside and she keeps track of the days we are together, if alone and what we did.

S19, S22 & S26 all came over on Sunday to play our game and have cake they brought. They told me of XW having a north carolina vacation for everyone in November. S26 also claimed OM is making like 4x $$$$ I do. Whatever. Hope XW & OM move away before eventual grandkids. I see XW has been using out cats Facebook account to peek in on mine. Especially on my birthday.

I texted with DC who complained about the lack of commitment from her out-of-state bf of 6 years. She figured they'd be married and have a house by now and still no engagement and he still lives 100 miles away with no talks of moving to her. I'm in no rush for that to occur as I'll never see her... of course I haven't in a year anyway so.

Saturday is my 20th Halloween party. I have 30 some guests coming. Looks to be a chilly 55º-45º evening. I have two friends (of XWs coming who wanted to remain friends with me after the D), performing a fire and LED spinning show. I invited two sets of neighbors who I just met and most of the usuals will be there: JS, JW, MM, KA, LD etc. A real mix of characters attending.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 01, 2021, 07:15:17 AM

After 6 mos, DC sent me a pic of herself at work with a funny message
In the office for the afternoon. It's been less than an hour..... .. Dear God how did I do this for 40 hours a week. 😂🤣😂😂😂🤣
She had her son this past weekend and couldn't attend my party.
Trading with his dad has been a nightmare. So I don't switch much these days.  His dad created several issues, took son on my days. All sorts of drama. He sucks
She sent me a video of her exs yard complaining how he gets out of paying her child support being unemployed yet his yard has hundreds of dollars worth of Halloween decor. Another pic of herself with full size Hershey bars from her S13s trick-or-treating bucket. Ha!

My twentieth Halloween party was a success  with 39 attending including appearances from S19 and S22. KAs bestie didn't show due to family member illness. In a way I feel like I can't chat with LD anymore. Its become awkward with her difficulties with other friends. A couple I share with XW attended and put on a fire spinning show. S22 won best costume as Slash from Guns N Roses. JW won sexiest costume again with her cleavage and is firmly in a relationship with her cop bf although she is still a texting flirt. The party went well and at midnight I still had 18 friends over. The playlist I planned out ended at 1am but with six people still wanting to party (buddy JS and MM included), I went back and replayed some more dancing tunes. KA decided that wasn't for her and she changed clothes, took her things and left unhappy. At the moment I decided I wasn't gonna kick out people just so we could go to sleep. She wouldn't go to bed with activity still going on.

Awoke the next day to this text.
I love you, but I'm not happy.  I'm bored and feel taking advantage of. I hate this to be the first text you see in the morning, but it's 630 am and I need to get this off my chest so I can sleep. I feel like I do so much for you.  I give constantly in this relationship, yet I don't feel it returned. You spends days prepping for a party for people who don't do anything for you, yet I can't even get a special moment to celebrate my birthday.  I took you out to dinner.  I made you breakfast in bed. As usual I got nothing. You chose to let me leave over telling people the party is over.  You chose them over me. You've said I'm significant,  but I don't see it or feel it. I love you and I hope we can work this out. Well hopefully I can go back to sleep.  I'm also hoping you didn't mess around with KF or CW after I left. Please don't tag me in party pics.  Also don't post that pic of MM and me.

So I thought it over a couple hours and agreed with her. The first being I will have an end time to my parties. I haven't had one go past 1 am in a long, long time. Secondly, I acknowledged her birthday and thought our combined birthday meal was sharing (using her gift card tho). I can make hers more special-she feels it gets lost in the hubbub of mine and Halloween. Shes an introvert and usually doesn't want attention. She even took off the notification on Facebook so people wouldn't know about it. I assured her friends KF and CW are just that. Friends. CW is recent to the gang and I've known of her since middle school.

This week looks to be colder here in NWI (Northwest Indiana). KA will come over Tues to watch a movie. MM while cleaning up food at the end of my party at 2am asked about coming over Thursday to do the same. Fri night is a comedy club with KA, LD and another woman friend who LD is having issues with. I hope they can work it out. Saturday I will leave KAs to attend a meetup of a dozen people going to see an Ansel Adams photography exhibit. It was KAs idea I go as she has D9 anyway. Sunday I am leading a hike of thirty people, buddy JS, MM and even a former woman friend who blocked me on Facebook is attending the 6 mile hike and lunch afterwards.

Life stays busy with lots of people and activities. I hope yours is to your liking.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 03, 2021, 07:34:49 AM
The differences between XW and KA

KA came over and I took her to dinner and we watched Halloween Kills. She relayed a story that her D9 wanted to see pictures from my costume party. The girl silently flipped through the photos until stopping on the first one of JW "Mommy, why is her chest out like that?" KA explained to her that is how some women get attention and that's the wrong kind of attention to get. For the voting that night KA copied another friend and wrote on the ballot "The woman whose chest is hanging out" for sexiest costume, refusing to use her name and that was the end of it...
Now if I had been still married, my XW would've strongly inquired who I voted for sexiest and then mocked and persecuted me for being attracted to 'jiggling juggs' and I woulda been flamed for days with evil cold eyes as a creep and prevert... as if it was by my invitation JW dressed like that. Just having other women around me was hell during my marriage. The intense fabricated jealousy and hatred.

JW did send me a pic of an Elvira costume the next day and asked if she should wear that next year. I texted her I've never liked Elvira and she asked me to pick her a costume. sigh. I'm not gonna do that, especially if she's dating some guy. My SPY app I check daily shows she's been spending a lot of time on my Facebook profile. In the top 1% of followers. No reason to text her again.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 08, 2021, 10:43:33 AM
No reason to text JW again.

... but then she texted me the next day to again compliment me on my party and ask about another friend who has summer parties. She said something to the regard that she should get invited to those and I told her she's unknown and not really friends with the guy to warrant an invite. She pops up twice at my parties and thinks she's in the in-crowd with others? Not at all. JW called me 'baby' which was off putting. I scolded her saying if she wanted to become somebody people look to inviting, she needs to do the work of going to meetup events with the intention of making friends and not just looking for a guy to date. And now that shes dating someone will she still go to events? My guess is not. Will the cop she's dating still go to events? Prob not as he has her. I despise people like that. Looking through her friends list JW hasn't made any women friends after attending my parties... just guys. Well that's her downfall. No woman is gonna like her if she's just sniffing around for men admirers and showing her boobs. KA thinks shes's a joke and flooze. smh.

MM has been very busy with school studying and paper writing and passed on a Thursday movie and skipped my Sunday hike. Kinda relieved.

My weekend was very good and I posted my Christmas party in my party group. I set an end time of midnight to appease KA. DC is planning to attend with a girl friend as she has done twice in the past.

My four kids are on vacation this week with XW and OM in NC.

This upcoming weekend KA is accompanying me to my work 90th anniversary party and then she wants to go dancing... have a real date out, and not just watch movies. We came up with two new places to try out.

Received word, a former friend, I now think of as an enemy, sold his house and is moving across the country. Good riddance. And no, KA and I are not going to his farewell party.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 14, 2021, 09:08:21 AM
I invited two sets of neighbors who I just met to my Halloween party.
Neither showed up.

I've lived here 2.5 years in the woods. I say woods because my house is surrounded by trees and there's over a mile of trees behind my yard. You cannot see the neighbors homes except the long driveway across the street. I've waved from afar at that elderly couple who S22 met when I first moved in. The other two closest homes I have met the men. Anyway, when I got the courage to approach their porches with Halloween party invites, I met one of the wives JCB (who was home sick). She's a friendly, blonde 15-years younger and they have two kids under the age of 10. Before I had even got home from their house that day, she had found me and sent me a Facebook friend request. They missed my party and JCB apologized as their kids were loaded on sugar and didn't go to sleep.

So last night, as promised, I took KA out on a real date. To a brewery for dinner & drinks and a live band, before heading over to the casino for a better band and dancing. There were a lot of people in formal wear, as if a wedding reception or some gala had been going on. At one point, this tuxedoed guy, who was making a spectacle of himself, playfully taunted KA to show her moves... and I gotta tell you, my jaw was on the floor! KA used to be a radio station event dancer. I observed guys watching how her hips move.
KA asked one woman, who was wearing a prom queen sash, why everyone was dressed up and was told it was for a Dancing with the Stars YMCA fundraiser. Well, I knew from Facebook, my neighbor JCB was an organizer for the event. A couple hours later a blonde in a scintillating, sultry blue dress and tiara was on the dance floor. Attractive, but I didn't realize who it was until she yelled out STP! and ran over for a hug. The look on KAs face was just SHOCK! Like WTF! and then I realized it was my neighbor JCB. We talked a min and then I tried to resume my date and thought a selfie with JCB at that moment woulda been a bad idea. I explained to KA, the neighbor is kinda a party with her girlfriends type, while H left home with their kids. There is no invite to neighbors for my Christmas party.

Today, is rainy and cold and I've had the runny nose a week. My weight is the highest it's been this year. :(  I will start up my blood sugar detox weight loss program again. I have a X-country 5k in a month and need to get fit! Heading to the gym for first time since before COVID to use the treadmill. Then S19 and some bros coming over to game as they are back from vacation with XW & OM.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on December 08, 2021, 04:56:30 AM

It's been awhile as I've avoided coming here to post but I screwed up a couple weeks ago before Thanksgiving. A woman friend __ I hadn't seen since Sept '19 messaged me and suggested we get together to catch up some time. She wanted to show off her new house and decorations so I went over and we talked a couple hours of her old boyfriends, my parties and the past. She hesitantly asked me to dance with her to a song amidst talks she hadn't been touched in over 2 years. She had ambushed kissed me once in the summer of '19 and that's why KA will never want her around again and MM hates her too. Two facts she'd like me to change but I will not. We ended up making out. I regret it very much and absolutely want nothing to do with her and theres been no contact since as I work on purging the error in my mind. I have been so mad at myself and foolish to put my relationship at risk. Dumb, dumb, dumb.  >:(

I had my COVID booster shot the same day KA did. A bit surprised she has not gotten one for D9 yet. S26 has COVID right now is quarantined at home in S29s house.

I messaged XW a happy birthday and asked for her delicious cut out cookie recipe. She said she'd send it. S20 and S22 were over and said XW has talked about moving away but doesn't want to be 'the grandma who is far away' from any eventual grandkids that come along. KA pointed out to me, any grandkid will be much closer to their moms mom than her.

This weekend looks to be very busy with little alone time with KA. The whole month of DEC is that way. FRI night S22 and I are going to sleep over at my parents in IL as we have a 5k race in the morning there. SAT night is my Christmas party where I have about 30 people coming including KA, her bestie LD , MM, buddy JS, my realtor DS and even DC who I haven't seen in over a year. For the first time I have set an end time of midnight. I should pre-warn JS who never gets the hint when it's time to leave. I just want people to have a magical time with laughter and good cheer.

Joy doesn't come from consuming, it comes from creating, relationships and purpose, your drive, passions and pursuits.
-Natalie Gold
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on December 14, 2021, 04:49:23 AM
My Christmas party went well. Realtor DS and missing friend DC didn't show. Not surprised as I know who is reliable and who isn't. The other 35 guests more than made up for it. At midnight, the music stopped and I kicked people out. MM was livid accusing me of letting KA dictate my actions like XW used to. All I said is that it was a compromise and I had warned people ahead of time. Her fault for arriving two hours late and missing 40% of the event. I still wasn't thrilled about making people leave before they were ready to. 1-2 people okay, but 7-8, not as pleasing, but KA and I don't get much alone time. KA was already saying why not 4 parties a year instead of 10. Reminds me of a favorite line...
Women want a man who will change but he doesn't and men want a woman to never change but she does.

S22 and I went to my parents and ran a x-country 5k which was hard but gives some accomplishment. Being fit & healthy is important.

I think this upcoming Saturday is my XWs 3rd anniversary being married to the OM. I guess in a good way he helps her support my sons. Only S20 still lives with them. He was over last night to play a game with me. Once he moves out, I wouldn't mind her marriage failing.  ;D Actually I don't really care, other than I could be friends with her again, although she is way out there in la-la land. Not your average run-of-the-mill person you'd see on the street or in the grocery store. She did give me the cookie recipe I asked for.

I have a hunch MM will wanna come over and watch a movie with me Thursday night. Buddy JS and I are going to the movies late afternoon as well. This weekend is a surprise 80th birthday party for KAs mom on Sunday but her sister is flying in and will stay with her so I'll just go along with whatever they wanna do like attend D9s gymnastics event.

I hope the spirit of Christmas is well and infused in you all. Remember you are in charge of your own happiness. Don't let anyone get you down.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: OffRoad on December 15, 2021, 11:59:50 PM
I was sorry to read of your make out session. How is it you end up in these situations? ???

Sounds like a good party, STP. Good for you for sticking to your timeline. I can tell that was hard for you, setting an end time. What is it about "making people leave" that bothers you? You gave specific times for the party. That you had 35 guests and all but 7 or 8 had the courtesy to leave before the end time shows that it was just fine to most. At midnight, anyone who was not making motions to leave was being rude. What is it that made you feel bad about sending them off to their own homes?

While KA is within her rights to ask why not 4 parties instead of 10, you are within your rights to say you like 10.  Communication is the key. You both get to have opinions and it's no good if you end up giving up what you want just to keep the peace every time. But it's also good for you to consider if 10 parties may be just right, or too many or maybe even not enough.

Hope your Christmas is merry and bright!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on December 16, 2021, 07:22:28 AM
Thanks for your reply OffRoad.

I strive to improve my relationships with friends but backslides and moments of unexpected weakness can happen. I messed up with that woman last month and am hopeful it fades into the past. Lesson learned.

I felt bad ending guests fun before they were finished with it. A fun I created for them to enjoy as much as they want. For 25 years it has been exciting and I strived to have parties go as late as possible. KA and I view together time differently. To me... her and I and her and I + twenty others are similar. Both are good as long as she's there. She views it as us alone and us not alone and isn't a fan of us not alone. She wanted us time on that night. We won't have much 'us' weekend time until January. She made me aware of that and I made the concession to remind people of the ending time, where MM blasted me for catering to KA like I did with XW. She doesn't get an explanation or excuse.

I think my shooing 7 of the 8 'lesser friends' out the door at midnight wasn't real bothersome, but it was telling MM her fun had to end, that bothered me as it was confrontational. I just now had to confront her again as it was eating away at me... Yesterday MM messaged me wanting to hang out tonight. I naturally assumed she wanted to come over and watch another movie with me, which woulda been fine, but instead she wanted me to accompany her, another guy and my realtor DS to a bar to see a band. This put me in the position... do I tell KA I am going or tell MM I'd rather not go. I chose the latter, because honestly i have no interest in going to a bar to see ANY band any more. I'm just so done with that scene. Completely. Especially bands I've seen. It's like, here's some 'kinda okay' entertainment... why keep going to it? Nothing against MM, DS or the other guy but i feel dumber doing things like that repeatedly that don't 'wow' me. I like seeing DS but she's just a tease and well I don't want that. i feel bad saying NO to MM but just being truthful and honest to myself. She replied "Thanks for sharing I appreciate it." She's a tricky one fer sure. I took some photos of houses with phenomenal Christmas light displays and she's writing 'vomit' under them.  ???
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Nas on December 16, 2021, 08:28:12 AM
I like seeing DS but she's just a tease and well I don't want that.

I usually don't comment on any of this stuff, but just honing in tightly on the word "tease" - can we stop normalizing this kind of view of women? Women are autonomous, independent, free thinking humans who are allowed to venture out into the big ole world and have a good time and interact with whomever they want and are not responsible for men's misinterpretations, misunderstandings or incorrect assumptions about their behavior, clothing style or words.
Calling any woman a "tease" is diminishing, objectifying and promoting a culture of misogyny and shaming of women.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Treasur on December 16, 2021, 09:49:52 AM
DS, MM.....and the list goes on. Not your first rodeo iirc.
What’s the chance of someone accidentally knowing quite a few women like this randomly, STP? Women who don’t respect the boundaries of your relationship with KA. Women who send mixed messages and like a lot of attention?

Chances seem more likely that you invite these kinds of women into your life bc you like it, for whatever reason.
Or you have weak floppy boundaries. Or you are sending signals that you are ambivalent about monogamy with KA.
Whichever it is, tbh the common denominator is you.
So it seems rather disingenuous to bad mouth them just as Nas says. Jmo.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on December 22, 2021, 06:41:54 AM
Thanks for the words Nas and Treasur
I realize I have work to do with setting boundaries. I am trying to think things through before actions.

MM asked why I didn't go to the singles group Christmas party. Besides doing things with KA and her visiting sister I explained that I'll still go to some things and still host a couple events a year there but I've primarily moved away from doing things with the singles group. I have a gf. Half the weekends a year she has her daughter. On rare occasions I'll leave them to attend a concert or afternoon hike. The other weekends without the D9 are 'couple time' (although half those are my parties) so one weekend a month I get alone time with KA which is a priority and will not be interrupted. MM asked about my NYE plans and I mentioned KA, D9 and I are going overnight to be at a water park. I suspected MM has never been to one, having no kids, and I was right. Generally people without kids are selfish and have a different mindset. She's one of those women that is completely fine seeing a bar band 4x a year to get her 'dance on'. I wanted to explain that if there's no dancing at one of my parties (like Christmas) I am 100% ok with that, but will save that for another discussion. Some of these single women friends feel incomplete at a social event if they can't dance. I view a woman that needs to dance at every opportunity as a bit brain dead. Pity.

I get a 5 day break from work. KA does not have her D9 X-mas eve so I will go over. Christmas day I will go with my 4 sons to IL to see my family. Just a reminder to everyone out there that happiness comes from within. Your MLCer can add or take away your happiness but they should never have reign over your emotions. Detach and don't give them that power. In fact come to realize that when you smash the pedestal you've placed them on you will see there are much better people out there for you.

Merry Christmas!

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Treasur on December 22, 2021, 08:35:32 AM
Merry Christmas to you too, STP  :)
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on January 05, 2022, 12:10:52 PM

Happy New Year. The only resolution I made was to run twice a week. Need to get more fit!
My Christmas and NYE were very good. Big present was a wood rack to store my firewood up off the ground and tarp covered. KA, D9 and I went into 2022 while staying at the Great Wolf Lodge water park. A family type of place I hadn't been in like 15 years since my youngest is S20. A couple buffets of food kept me very full. Besides water slides there was bowling, mini golf, MagiQuest and an arcade. I played a suped up version of Space Invaders and hit the jackpot-500 tickets!

Had my work review today and am getting a 3% raise. First one in 4 years.
I hosted a hike here in NW Indiana and due to 28º I had just 10 hardy hikers. It was beautiful with our first snow of the season.

This weekend is my 5th annual white wine party. It looks to be my largest white one with over 30 people coming, including some singles I've never met. After this event, I am thinking to back down and host something smaller in the future due to rising covid concerns.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on January 19, 2022, 05:50:38 AM

I cancelled my wine party due to concerns of spreading covid between attendees. Positivity is 30% in my county. It was a difficult decision, as I hate to build towards a fun event and then snuff it out the day before. I couldn't with good conscious have 35 people in my home. Buddy JS finally got it and others from the NYE party he was at. It will be rescheduled in time. So back to laying low. I've never had it and don't care to get it.

MM last week invited me to see a couple singing in a spacious and very empty bar and another friend joined us. It was okay. She's better than most at getting me to do things I'd rather not do. I did mention it to KA. Her D9 got her first vaccination shot too.

S20 told me XW is on the waiting list to get a hairless Egyptian cat. Probably because OM has severe cat allergies. More and more distractions to find that elusive happiness. Whatever, don't really care.

Monday I started my blood sugar detox. This will be the third year doing it. In both the last two years I lost 28 lbs in 30 days. From there weight gradually crept back on over 9 mos. I'll try a bit harder to keep the lifestyle change. Perhaps I'll try intermediate fasting too?

Friday KA and I are going to a comedy club and Saturday we've been invited to two friends birthday dinner at a restaurant.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on February 02, 2022, 05:16:19 AM

Following the sugar detox like I have the last two February's. Lost 16 lbs in 2 weeks and will keep it going beyond the schedule of 4 weeks. Been running on the treadmill twice a week too for 30 mins, slowly getting back into running shape.

DC texted me after 3 weeks {since the video of her cats fighting} just to tell me she was going to Ireland in July with her sister and cousin. I guess excited and wanted to tell someone? Shes not one to ever give me a 'like' or comment on Facebook anymore. I chalk it up as her trying to distance herself from me. Whatever.

I saw JW is on a cruise with the guy she met during my hike last year. My beef with the guy is he seemed to just be there just to get a gf and then never come again. I'm not a fan of people who put everything into their relationship partner and forsake friends. Whatever, I won't reach out to her again.

MM had planned to come over this Thursday to watch a movie but lots of snow here in the midwest so I don't care if she cancels.

KAs best friend LD was in the headlines yesterday for a traffic accident where she ran a red light and killed an old lady. It also came out she hit a pedestrian back in Aug and killed him too. Not sure how she's still driving. I sent LD a message but no reply and I heard she's in the hospital and will probably go to prison for at least two years. KA and I observed her having a seizure at the comedy club last month where she seemed confused and unable to walk out of the club mid-performance. She was lethargic, couldn't be reasoned with and very confused. Perhaps that happened while behind the wheel?

This upcoming weekend KA and I are going to an ice festival where there is fish bowling (toss a fish in a hole) and Sunday I am leading a 2 mile winter snow hike and luncheon for 25 people including MM and buddy JS.

Keep sane out there people. Find your happiness.  :)
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on February 04, 2022, 08:04:31 AM

Seems that everyone is starting to live again. I have a trip planned next weekend to Vegas and that trip is the first trip we have taken out of state since Covid struck two years ago.

I am sorry to hear about LD. If she was driving on a suspended license, that is really bad and it could be even more than two years as this would be her second time. I feel for the family who lost a loved one.

The ice festival sounds fun. The only ice around her is in my freezer.

Have a good weekend,

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on February 07, 2022, 04:55:53 AM
Gruntled to hear you're taking a trip Ready!

LD's picture was on the front page of the local newspaper. Her sentencing will be in July and she's out on $5,000 bail. We don't expect to hear from her.

JW reached out to me and sent me one of her photos with the cruise ship. Perhaps wanting to brag about her trip as I gave no likes to her Facebook photos with the cop.

The ice festival got postponed 3 weeks which is a KA with D9 weekend so we probably won't get to do it. It would be a much longer drive from her house to Michigan than from mine. We went out Saturday night with the singles group friends, and KA and I danced over 2 hours to cover band playing the hits of Journey, Styx and Boston. Oddly, a former woman friend who blocked me on Facebook came up and hugged me hello. KA and I had a great time and it got me thinking about gatherings and I rescheduled my white wine party for mid-March on the last day of Winter.

My 2.3 mile hike in the snow Sunday was splendid! 30º, sunny and we worked up a sweat! MM cancelled due to homework/studying but buddy JS was there along with 13 others.

This week I am making a list/feeling the need to get things done! Super bowl Sunday I will probably be home trying out a cheese dip recipe my coworker gave me and rooting for the Rams. KA and I will get together on Valentines day. Monday night dinner to celebrate 4 years of dating.

Live your life and make it happy people!

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on February 15, 2022, 04:59:43 AM

I had a very good Valentines Day. My four week sugar detox ended (I lost 21 lbs in 4 weeks) so I had some chocolate. Today I am starting over and will go 3 more weeks until I stray again for a wine & chocolate festival. KA and I met unconventionally on a Monday, and had a Valentines dinner out. 4 years with this woman. She is so easy to get along with and doesn't try to change me. We don't fight and she's not a b!tc# or full of drama. A very good solid relationship. I did think about the abundance of single friends I have and why they are unmatched in a relationship. Many are too picky, holding out for some type that may never come around. In the matters of love, you can listen to your heart or think with your mind, but ultimately just go for it. Take chances. There is not just one person for you but many 'ones' out there. Grab one and love them. When the days over, it's gone. They are not unlimited. Make the most of them.

This weekend looks to be full of fun things. Friday night I am going to a Volbeat/Ghost concert solo. Saturday KA will come over to watch Dune and we will have a date night. Undecided what to do so far. Sunday S20, S22 and S26 have mentioned going to the Chicago auto show.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on February 28, 2022, 08:28:23 AM
Journaling stupid stuff

I heard from JW which I'd guess was due to being bored at work (hospital admitting) and wanting to brag about taking another cruise with the cop. I politely asked where and she mentioned a few places. I didn't respond until she wrote
Hmmmm maybe need someone more exciting lol
which I took as a slam on KA not being exciting. Reading it today it may not have been meant that way. I'm still trying to reduce my predivorce debt. I'm not a fan of JW dating the cop. When he came to my hike, he was basically there to get a gf and having achieved that, he has no interest in hiking again. I hate when people put everything into their partner and have nothing left for others. It's very important to not have KA be my everything. JW just texted me now to ask about my visit to MI to see ice sculptures. I see she's a maybe for my wine party on the 19th. I'm fine with her not coming.

I sent DC a funny meme and she responded and we actually chatted. She sent me a pic of herself drinking wine and then one of her cleavage to show where a pizza bites dripping burned her. Nothing left to say there. She has not rsvpd for my wine party although her bestie is a maybe. KA has not rsvpd either with her bestie LD laying low before her sentencing and imminent jail time. The next closest friend of KA won't be there either. I wish she could work on making some new friends as I do. I don't want to be her sole source of enjoyment when out with friends.

Out of curiosity, I  peeked in the lil nightstand notebook KA writes down our time together. At the top of FEB she wrote "terrible month" as we had just one date. I've decided to step it up and plan more outings for us. She doesn't want to just watch movies and TV shows. I'd get through more things faster if I wasn't asked to wait on her to share the viewing experience. Sometimes I wonder what I see in her? When asked what things she spends her free time on she replies cleaning, chores and being a mom. In contrast I said listening to music, online RPGs, photo processing, board games, TV series binging, baking, recording, writing, & running.

March looks to bring new excitement! This weekend KA & I and three other friends are going to a wine and chocolate event. We were talking about going to an afternoon crafting event but XW is one of the businesses there and I'd rather not see her and OM.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on March 11, 2022, 12:36:37 PM

About ten days until Spring and warmer 60º weather arrives here in NW Indiana next week. My hike this past weekend was very good having 19 attend. Most have become my regulars as it is now a monthly thing and more than half have already signed up for April. One new woman LJ an accountant, who came to my Christmas party has become interested in me. I'm not saying she wants me, as she knows I have a gf, but she's paying attention. LJ stayed close to me whether I was leading or trailing the group hikers. She sat next to me at lunch and has been texting me this week.  I'm starting up bike rides next month and she's signed up for that too. Just a friend 13 yrs younger.

KA quizzed me on another woman CW who like LJ comes to all my hikes, is signed up for bike riding and even my arcade day. She called CW my groupie. I assured her the woman is just looking to get out of the house and I provide opportunities. Both are maybes for my wine party next weekend. I am a little concerned as KAs two fave women friends will not be attending so I'm hopeful she can branch out and try to make a new friend.

DC messaged me a pic of a Ukrainian woman in camo but still wearing makeup. She said
Badass Ukrainian women volunteered to fight. I too would be wearing full makeup and have my hair done whilst being a badass! 😊😊😊
I offered her again the chance to come over and shoot S22's arsenal of guns as it's on her bucketlist. I would tell KA if such a day actually occurred.
I've been watching all the Oscar nominated best pictures and know DC is big into them having seen all the past winners since the Academy Awards inception. I asked her if she's up to date on the new ones and she unloaded anxiety on me. Her rent is going up 24% and her ex left her with a lot of debt and basically
You're lucky you own a house. At least you divorced well. If my ex-husband hadn't stolen and squandered everything behind my back. I don't know if I can take another blow of having to move to it piece of s*** apartment in a bad area
Surprising not a word about her bf, or the fact she thought she'd be married and living a better life with his $$ money. I feel bad for her as I know all about that post D debt and struggling. I'm on track to be debt free by Sept. Will it already have been 5 years?

This weekend is at KAs house. No big plans other than to take down her Christmas lights. Next week I am going with MM to a concert in Chicago. I let KA know about it. Next Sat is my white wine competition. The 11th one since this new life of mine. 26 singles already attending.

I hope you are all surviving and happy. Don't let anyone get you down. If you cannot be happy daily, alone and by yourself, without outside stimuli, you have much growing to do. You are emotionally weak and must get strong... or continue to suffer. That's what will happen. For starters you must learn to detach from your emotions. No words or actions from another must harm you. CARE LESS. Hard to do but strive for it. Now is the time to do things you love... for you and not to impress anyone or give a damn what anyone thinks. Be selfishly unapologetically yourself. Please yourself. You were happy before meeting this person and can be after them. Words I live by.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on March 17, 2022, 10:16:52 AM

☘️ St. Patricks Day and I forgot to wear green-Pinch me. Not gonna dwell on it but six years ago is was when I noticed XW and OM discreetly misbehaving. Long past it now. Tonight I invited buddy JS to go to a winery with me for MARVEL superhero trivia. I've been a fan of superheroes for over 40 years and he may be able to add some TV knowledge and help win a prize.

Last night I went to a concert (Mammoth WVH and Dirty Honey) with MM. We had a good time in the second row. She grabbed my arm at some point and discovered I am like a heat rock and she is one who is always cold and then wanted to stay pressed up against me to warm up and she put my arm around her. No big deal as she has a 'boyfriend' now. I smh at this... A couple months ago she was at a bar and befriended a kid, like 30 years younger than her. Struck me a lil odd to want to hang out with him, but anyway he recently called her to go to a concert and MM hit it off with the kids dad, and nine days later they are dating. He's like 10 years older than her and within 2 weeks has already been telling her he loves her. She's just a little freaked out but not enough to show concern.  :o He lives like 83 miles away and she told me she won't make that drive and when he comes to town for weekends they have to get hotels as MM still has her bedridden husband at home. I've joked to her that she likes old people (her H is 15 years older). I worried for a sec she'd bring him to my wine party but sounds like she will just do other stuff with him like see a Grateful Dead tribute band instead and go house shopping so he can move back to the area. She thinks its sweet. I think its an old dude flattered by her interest and has pounced all over her. Whatever.  ::)

KA got some bad news that her Dad, who she took to the ER this week and was admitted, has liver cancer. I saw him last weekend. Waiting on test results I recall my XWs mom died after cancer went to her liver which fast tracks it everywhere. I will go to KAs house on Friday as she can't leave her dog alone for the supposed weekend at mine (unless he comes home). The wine party has not been addressed yet but I imagine at best she will come and have to leave like 11pm. It made me realize eventually when her dad is gone, she will be house bound having a dog that needs out. At times she has mentioned not getting another dog when her 12 yr old lab has passed. Freedom to move is important to me and a defining factor to not getting a pet.

They say on here to get a life and my life is busy.
KAs life is nutty busy with her new job and leading D9's brownie troop. Saturday is my wine party with 28 coming to my house including S27. A buncha maybes too. Sunday is my sis-in-laws 60th birthday in IL. I had invited KA but if her dads still in Chicago hospital I doubt she can go. Monday is another concert which I was only going to for S22 who has now backed out. Trying to sell tickets or may ask S27 or another. I have also been asked to design a book on NEON signs of Seattle. A freelance gig that I thought dried up 3 years ago. Pay is great but I've barely started on it and eventually will have to manage my time and get it laid out. Lots of fun things in April but that will wait for another post.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on March 30, 2022, 08:04:30 AM

KAs dads liver cancer is happily just in the organ. Surgery in April, on his birthday, should hopefully remove all of it.

My wine party was great fun with 27 people attending and 24 open bottles. It went quick and I feel like I barely got to talk to people but I guessing pouring 500+ drinks kept me busy! Two friends, who rode together, were seen kissing at midnight, but I think it was just the drunken passion playing out.  :P S20 went with me to Gary Numan concert and it was great fun.

One of my 'things to do' is to clean my garage. Something I haven't done in 2.5 years since moving in. I have a large stack of unused moving boxes and offered them to DC. Two days later she messaged me she'd like them. Told me she's moving from south of her city to a north side apt. I'm going over tomorrow after work to drop them off. Have to stop by county courthouse anyway to drop off tax papers for refinancing.

A guy on one of my hikes overheard my interest in a kayak and I went and met his neighbor and bought one for half price of new. Something I've thought of trying since discovering a river boat launch near my last house, where S29 and S27 live. The kayak seller had another for sale so I posted such and LJ (who I mentioned two posts ago) asked me to go fetch it while she's on vacation. She sent me the money for it and will have to come over to get it when she's back. Oddly the kayak seller lives very close to DC. I texted to her I woulda dropped off the boxes but had to make room to bring the kayak home. Being in the car, she had me call her and we chatted for 25 mins. Shes frustrated with her bf in IL and how covid prevented him from transferring here. I asked her if she was scared of me, as she's not come around in 18 mos. She just doesn't want to feel guilty, as she struggles to behave around me. Last night she texted what she wore to a charity event and this morning sent me a joke about her cat, so I guess we're cool. I expect her son to be there tomorrow so it'll just be a friendly box drop off. DCs bestie NJ is a big kayaker and has already asked me to go out yakking sometime. A lil funny thing about NJ... when I first became single and was browsing the dating apps, I saw her on there and messaged her but 'rejected' I never heard back. DC once said she wished me and NJ had gotten together.

Today is buddy JS birthday. I might have him over tonight for a movie but he talks so dang much it is a painful trap. I kid you not. He can easily talk for 30-60 mins without me getting 10 words in. ::)

This weekend KA will be over. No 'us' plans yet as the things we look forward to need warm weather. I'm leading a 4 mile hike after she leaves on Sunday and have 28 singles signed up for it and lunch after. Kinda hoping to not have JS show and of course MM is busy with her old man bf.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on April 06, 2022, 10:03:41 AM
Busy is as busy does.

Busy is about setting priorities about what you want to get done, and what you absolutely have to get done. The want tos typically are the more fun things. Saturday night KA and I and 4 friends saw a 2 hr play and hung out at a bar until 12:30am chatting. I asked them about a text message from KAS I had received.
Heard you are single too, sorry for that. It was hearsay, If not true I guess that's why you don't repeat those things
My friends said KAS was fishing around to see if I was single. KA wants to know when women hit on me.

My Sunday hike was muddy and enjoyable. Attendance dropped to a more manageable 16 hikers with a dozen coming to lunch after. A black-haired woman friend KL who used to live here, drove over 2 hrs to attend. It was good to see her again and I took a selfie with her. She went out with my buddy JS once and we often talk about that ill fated date. I designed the logo for her big city counseling business.

KA and I just watched a replay of the Grammys on her usual Tuesday visit. With warmer weather we will begin outdoor things.

I did swing by DCs apt. after the courthouse paper drop off and met her son. He helped me bring moving boxes up the stairs for them. I asked the young teen some movie questions and left within 25 mins. Having not seen DC in 18 mos, I had forgotten how tall she is. She said if she needs more boxes she will drop by on a Thurs and get them. She asked about my next party but I'll never expect her to show up.

Tomorrow I am going to a friends birthday dinner. KA cannot go because of D9s cheerleading practice. I'll sit with RB, the airhead blonde lawyer who invited us. Last year she was the one who had me over to photograph her for business headshots. A frequent BYOB attendee at my parties.

This weekend S29 is coming to my house while I am away to install a well water filtration system he bought for me last year. I'll be at KAs and trust he knows what he's doing as a professional commercial electrician. Saturday is a brunch with the Easter bunny for her D9. Sunday I organized a wiffleball game for singles and have 17 players attending a ball field within a mile of my house. 5 hrs later is my rescheduled 10-mile sunset bike ride where I have 19 cyclists coming. Two-thirds of them are my hiker pals. Unemployed buddy JS will be there and a dozen from this past Sun.

Being social is fun, keeps me active and is energizing to meet new people. Although I don't mind alone time, I prefer to host activities. I may have a fear of missing out on others events, so I do my own things and have made my own like minded friends.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on April 14, 2022, 07:45:18 AM
We had a Spring cleaning day at work. An opportunity to put work aside and clean our work areas. This had me digging in my drawers and pulling out my secret handwritten daily journalling of the breakup of my marriage. 😖 Tear wrought emotional writings and painful daily entries from 11-5-09 to 9-7-10 and 4-9-16 to 7-25-16. Are they worth keeping? All the failed marriage saving techniques, self improvement strategies, emotional needs and happiness worksheets. Enough information to write a book. This was my mantra , guidebook and release for survival during her MLC and our destruction. I brought it home and will put it where other old memories are stored away until burn or writing time. I would enjoy writing my experience out as a book for others to learn from but unsure how to market or find a publisher for such a thing and if there's an interest? I've been a professional book designer in my career so that aspect is easy. And of course I have to consider what XW would think as well as the rest of my family. One day perhaps?

Tonight is KAs D9s communion. I'll dress up and look nice as her XH and his W will be there. KAs weekend at my place. S29 will come over as he wants to go shopping for a ceiling fan in my office. He's my most helpful and generous child. The one I see the least. Sunday I will go to my parents in IL for Easter and to celebrate my dads birthday. Unsure which kids are going or if they have plans with my XW?
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on April 22, 2022, 12:41:34 PM
Easter turned out to be wonderful with all four of my boys coming to my parents and we stayed until after 8pm which is late for a Sunday when we have to work the next day. They did earlier have a brunch at my XWs house. Historically this was a bad time for us with my discovery of her PA six years ago. It's been nice not having to deal with all her crap and I'm happy 99% of the time. Last time I even heard from her was in FEB regarding S27s car title.

This weekend I will not see my gf KA as my brother and best friend from Indy are coming over for our annual board game weekend. S20, S22 and S27 will be involved. I don't often see S29 but last weekend he was over all day with KA and I installing four can lights in my kitchen, So nice to have an electrician in the family.

My newish Mexican friend LJ came to my garage and picked up her kayak. She's like 15 years younger and I was curious to know more about her story. Divorced 17 years ago, with one son, it was her on-again off-again ex bf she brought to my Christmas party. No plans to remarry and is on a break from dating. She likes to do things without anyone holding her back. She'd like to go kayaking with me sometime which I'd be fine with.

This upcoming Monday I was asked to go kayaking out on a lake with my friend PG. She's a good joyous and smart optometrist friend. Way back in Oct. 2017  when I was dating CH and she left my Halloween party, PG and I messed around a bit, but nothing since. PG occasionally has that twinkle in her eye from recollection. I already mentioned it to KA that PG and I are going on the lake.

I know it may seem like nothing to go a whopping 6 days without seeing my gf I am going to miss not seeing KA. Lots of fun planned for us next weekend after my monthly party, seeing the Italian water circus again-pirate theme.  Enjoy your life. We don't get these days back!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on April 27, 2022, 11:43:14 AM
Time heals all wounds but scars will always remain.

I've been watching a bit of the Depp/Heard defamation trial, now on day 10, and the audio evidence makes me think back to all the fights I had with my XW. Such emotionally rough times and I wish marital spats on no one (well maybe the OM) with my XW). I recently rewatched the 4 min video of my XW and I intoxicated fighting 6 years ago. Only day in my life I've been slapped multiple times. It was filmed discreetly in the garage stairwell and ended when I refused to respond to her goading and became 'a stupid lump'. It's a brutal reminder of how things were at the end. Bomb drop was three days later. If there is that kind of drama in your life, get out. Things can be so much better for you. There are others out there to enjoy your time with.

Friday night KA and I are going dancing at the casino. She's big on date nights and I owe it to her for couple time as Saturday is my Orange theme party. Attendance is closing in on 40 people in my house! Sunday KA and I are going to the Italian Water Circus. Monday night it's to see Journey and Toto live in concert. S22 and S27. Lots of fun things. I hope you all find happiness going forward. It's out there. It may be outside your definition of normal, but is certainly obtainable if you set your sights there.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: MadLuv on April 27, 2022, 12:38:30 PM
Oh my goodness. That is a video worth deleting!! You definitely have better people worth spending time with. Crazy things can or could get that bad that it goes physical. That would definitely be the exit door!!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on May 10, 2022, 05:43:15 AM
Journalling. Thanks for the reply MadLuv. The video fight is somewhere I don't often frequent.

KA and I did not go out dancing as she had tummy issues so we stayed in and watched Moon Knight. My Orange themed party was super fun with 34 people attending including buddy JS. MM made a brief visit (under an hour) with her old man bf. Neither wore orange  ::) . I heard through another friend she's real happy. Like I mentioned, I don't support the union and want nothing to do with her. My party ended at midnight but KA and I were cleaning until I Iocked the doors at 12:30 am with a couple people still around the fire in my backyard! Some don't get the point it's time to go home.  ::) The italian water circus with KA and her mom and then Journey concert with KA, S22 and S27 were both very fun events.

DC contacted me asking if she could have more boxes for packing as she is moving within her city in June. I dropped them off after work. Her S13 wasn't there so seeing as we we were chatting, I asked to stay a bit and talk. She asked about MM and told of her disappointment with her bf who has not committed to the level shes expected. How her bfs twins will probably go to college in IL and shes unsure when he will ever move to IN. to be with her after 6.5 years of dating. She didn't even know why he wasn't coming over that weekend.  Gee. She asked about me and KA and if I was in love with her. I guess I hesitated to answer and she guessed I love her but I'm not in love with her. I dunno if it's KA, or myself unwilling to go to that depth of love again. I simply won't lose myself like that again for any woman. After an hour it was time to go. I hugged and kissed her and took our photo. Kissed her again and asked why we weren't together. She said when we met in '16 I was recently divorced and needed my time to be wild and she was already in a relationship. I try to keep just enough spark to not be friend zoned by DC. Don't expect to see her again for some time now.

Sat. was a tiny first communion party for KAs D9. Sunday I ran a 5k with seven women friends and a guy (all who have been over to my home). My 3.1 mile time was 33:10. After 45 years of running I'm wondering if it's time to retire the ol achy bones? I went back to KAs after and spent Mothers Day with her and her mom watching the D9 cheerlead at a football game before browsing a flea market. I had just seen my mom three weeks ago for Easter in IL so called her. Feeling a bit over exposed I cancelled my March house party.

Last night S20, S27 and I went to the movies. S20 told me XW got two more rats. Seems she's still getting pets to try and find her elusive happiness. KA suggested us going to an upcoming wine & craft show and asked if my XW would be there. I went to her jewelry biz Facebook page and saw she would not be. In the latest photo of her, XWs hair is pink and purple. I guess still in the MLC storm? Her coloring her hair goofy colors was something that signaled to me her emerging crisis back in '09.

This week, KA is coming over tonight and we are going hiking and getting pizza as a scouting mission for my Sunday event. Friday night I am going to a backyard fire for 10 friends until KA finishes up her girl scout event. She's a troop leader. Saturday we are going with a group of 25 people to a rail road train exhibit in Chicago. Afterwards I'll take KA to downtown Chicago for the night to see the sights. Sunday I am leading a group of 24 singles on a 4-mile hike with a pizza lunch after. My schedule seems crazy busy! Then Monday I am kayaking for the first time with PG, a woman friend on a lake in her town. She's a good friend, who just ran the mothers day 5k with me and was at my orange party. We only drunkily messed around once way back in Oct. '17 after my then gf CH left Halloween. Not attracted to PG.

I hope all is well in your situations. Get busy and enjoy life to the maximum!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on May 25, 2022, 08:49:19 AM

Not a lot to say other than I had a car accident yesterday hitting a deer on Interstate 94 at 70 mph. The damage is extensive and adjuster said my car a total loss. I hadn't even had it 3 years yet. I am sore with some neck and leg aches. This was the fifth deer I've struck and killed and third car totaled because of them. I think a big part of it is I am commuting during their most active time of the morning. KA and S27 will help me select a new car. Stayed home the day and was reminded of 2010 while separated from XW and had a car totaling accident. She was states away and deep in the fog and it was BF who brought me home from urgent care.  I went and looked at photos from that era and was reminded of XWs MLC with her crazy hair colors... which she has again according to most recent photo I've seen of her. So glad to be away from that.

I've been watching the Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard trial and can't help but see my abuser XW in Ambers pompous smirk at times.
This long holiday weekend KA will be over to help me find a new car. We are going to an art and wine event and the singles group picnic. Next week my company goes to Summer Hours for the first time giving us half day Fridays.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: MadLuv on May 25, 2022, 12:49:26 PM
Oh no!! Glad you are ok. Crazy how moments resurface on times like that.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 07, 2022, 10:39:04 AM
Thanks for commenting MadLuv  :)

I had a dream about my XW. She was making evil faces at me in all our interactions. Oddly i was hanging out with her husband, the OM and gettin along alright. In reality I haven't said a word to him since before the BD. A Facebook memory led me to XWs jewelry page. I had the sound down but skimmed for a min some recent videos taken at her store. She looks the same or even a bit heavier. Her white hair has three blasts of purple in spots like hit from a spray can. Although I was happy in that world, it was like being in the Matrix and not the real me. So much happier now making what I deem important be my priority rather than be her assistant.

This past weekend I hosted a 3.75 mile hike. Buddy JS was there along with a dozen others. Over lunch the woman friend PG I kayaked with last month, made the comment to the effect there are women all around interested in me, but they wouldn't make a first move. Well, I am quite happy with my gf KA. She is one of the most levelheaded, stable, no drama, calm  and caring people I've known. A good balance for me. KA is in San Diego on vacation atm with her mom and D9. Gives me more time to finalize my car purchase and work on freelance book layout and eat fewer calories.

This upcoming weekend is our annual arcade day. S27 and S20 are again going with JS and I this year. The worlds largest arcade is an hour into IL and we spend the day there. I'll get together with KA on Sunday.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 14, 2022, 09:08:51 AM

The heat has arrived here in the midwest with temps in the 90s and dew point of 77. KA is coming over tonight but we will pass on the ranger led dunes sunset hike we had planned. We may go to the movies instead or catch up on binge watching our current show The Flight Attendant. I had hoped KA would have her D9 stay overnight Sat. at her moms, as I suggested, so she could attend this weekends Big Hair Metal party of mine, but she's decided not to come. She did look over the 25 person guest list and said theres no women she has to worry about (guessing my realtor, yoga instructor DS? Nothing to worry about there.) I'm only hosting my event this weekend to appease another good friend of ours whose visiting relatives from Scotland are eager to attend one of my parties, they've heard so much about. They leave next week so it had to be this Sat. KA texted me
At least you can go till 2 am since I won't be there.  JS and (another talkative guy) will be happy.
I don't care if MM shows with her old man as she  hasn't RSVPd but I have a CD she wants, so I expect her to arrive late and leave early.

I still don't have my (new) used car as the hood is still being repaired before I officially buy it. Sucks to have a new car loan as I was close to paying off the other one. The freelance book project I am working on will pay enough to finally eliminate ALL my debt (I've been paying off the new mattress XW picked out back in DEC 2015 and other things). It'll be nice to finally be free of old financial burdens.

I saw on Facebook...
XWs former BF is doing well and is happy. She commented
I found a beautiful home for my family. With a wonderful man I wish I’d met years ago…
Also saw DCs bland, uninspired birthday comment to her bf. All the attached pics she posted (of them) were from 2018 (one of which was mine from a halloween party). Sheesh.

All-in-all things are quieter now with much of my time devoted to page layout of the book. I hope you all are finding happiness daily and loving life. There's a lot out there to live for.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: MadLuv on June 15, 2022, 06:57:29 AM
So good to be out of the debt. That post however had to bite a bit. I have learned to laugh at that time of thought. If you are so happy you don't have to say it to everyone and convince anyone. They should  be able to see it and feel it. To me in confirms ahe is not. Just my honest opinion
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on June 21, 2022, 03:58:20 AM

So sorry about the car but thankfully no one was hurt.

It is also nice to be out of debt. Especially when you are paying off expenses by the other person.

I found a beautiful home for my family. With a wonderful man I wish I’d met years ago…

You should have commented back, "So do I, then he would be paying for your %^&* bed." Of course, I am sure you could add many other items or things in regards to her.

Hope you have a great party and stay cool. It is going to be a hot, hot week.


Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 22, 2022, 05:54:28 AM
I found a beautiful home for my family. With a wonderful man I wish I’d met years ago…
You should have commented back, "So do I, then he would be paying for your %^&* bed." Of course, I am sure you could add many other items or things in regards to her.
I must not have been clear. This was her former BFs quote-not my XW. Really no reason to even bring BF up anymore.

My 80s big hair party was fun. Many asked why my gf KA wasn't there. The Scottish relatives from another friend were very gracious and interesting guests. A woman attending, who was the biggest friend of KA, certainly was watching who I talked to and twice asked if I was spending too much time with KF, (another woman there). I wasn't, just talking about misc things like how MM for once didn't show, when the theme was her idea. At 1:45 am I started shutting off the lights to give buddy JS and another (just as bad) talkative guy, a clue it was time to leave. People like that seem oblivious to clues it's time to leave. I need to work on my boundaries and have people stop walking all over me. Lack of respect is everywhere. I need to be more confrontational.

The next day in conversation I included the line to KA I missed her. Her reply
I don't feel missed truthfully.  Last night I felt very alone.
I hate getting a reply like that. Tues night when I saw her, we briefly talked about her not attending and she felt like I changed the date without even mentioning it to her and she feels like she doesn't have to go anymore. Y'know hurt by it all. She won't ask her mom to babysit anymore and thought people may assume we're not together anymore. In a way to me, she had twenty years to have her single fun (not becoming a parent until age 40) whereas I was a parent by age 25 and now it's my time. I don't feel like anything was resolved other than airing her unhappiness. The party wasn't a normal night with her gone. Usually we're together. Scheduling this time we couldn't be. She may not have felt missed but I did miss her.

Thursday night she does not have her D9, so we will go to a Pearl Jam cover band. S22 may be there as well. Friday I took off work to get things done at home and KA and I have a bunch of tv to catch up on. Saturday we will go hiking in canyons in SW Indiana. Sunday I am leading a sunset bike ride for seven which includes friend KF, who comes around me a lot more now that she doesn't have MM to hang out with. KA is going to a dueling pianos show with other friends at the same time. I asked her why she liked me and she really didn't give an answer. We're still doing well.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on June 29, 2022, 05:56:35 AM
Just words

I'm in Facebook jail for two days for trying to post a meme. Guess it was flagged as self harm.

XW contacted me saying she's having a surprise birthday party at a brewery in IL for S29 and wanted to make sure I didn't have anything planned so we don't overlap. I didn't reply and she texted "Pls confirm receipt". S29 doesn't like a lot of hoopla or surprises and it's not something I'd do. For a second I felt a little left out but whatever. It's not a competition.

Tonight are my previous cities fireworks and I'm seeing them on the beach with S20 and S22. Last year S27 was with us and most previous years S29 so I'll find out later whose with me.

A woman friend MT I've never mentioned, invited me and seven women to attend a recently opened rooftop restaurant in the state park. I know most of them, but it would be hurtful to tell KA, I'm not gonna hang out with her and D9 on a Saturday night because of the dinner. A weeknight perhaps if at all? Much more important to have that experience with KA first. I first met MT in 2017 and would've considered dating her if she had come around more and I went out with AF instead. MT is encouraging me to have a rock painting event in my home. Shes crafty.

This long weekend I am at KAs and will see fireworks and swim in her pool a lot. I hope you all have a safe and memorable holiday. Don't let anyone walk all over you.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on July 08, 2022, 05:39:45 AM

I heard from S20 my ex Father-in-law is moving back to IN from FL. I guess his health is worse and he needs to be taken care of by XW and her bro. Not sure why his new wife can't, but I suspect it's to spend more time with family at my XWs urging. He always hated midwest winters. Welcome back to that. Not sure where he'll move to, as it's a sellers market around here and property gets bought up fast. It does make me think when he eventually dies do I go to his funeral?  I wasn't super close with him despite living with them twice and being his son-in-law for 25 years. But that was already six years ago and it's not like we'd get to chat. I could see myself going... and not. No way my XW would go to any funerals on my side.

Tonight I am not seeing KA as I am going to the stadium tour: Def Leppard, Motley Crue, Poison and Joan Jett with S22 at Wrigley Field. KA, not content to just sit at home arranged a meetup of singles (with my help) to see a bar band playing 90s dancing hits. I know most of the 17 people going including the two guys. Tomorrow she is coming over and I'm taking her to the South Bend Motor Speedway for a night of car racing! I've driven past the track daily for over ten years and decided it's finally time to go. Sunday she is going to stick around and we're browsing the Krasl Art Fair in MI of over 170 exhibitors.
Next week KA is going camping but I declined to go with her and D9 + friend as I need to spend more time on the freelance book project I am on. Next weekend we're at her house and then Sunday the 17th I'm leading a bunch of women and a few guys on a hike with lunch after. A lot of my regular hikers. There are always more women at these social events. I'd theorize they like to get out more and there are more of them as divorced men find younger women replacements and the divorced women are primarily less than thrilled by the men options avail.

How are you in your situation? Keep on smiling and moving... for when stillness occurs, you are done.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: MadLuv on July 08, 2022, 05:45:17 AM
STP- I have tickets to that same Concert in Texas in August. It has been moved 3 times due to Covid. Bought the tickets while XH and I were still together and we were going with our adult kids. I have 6 tickets and not sure who is going now. Had forgot all about them.  Hope it’s a great show!!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on July 18, 2022, 11:44:05 AM
Thanks for comment MadLuv

The stadium concert with S22 was a good time. The merchandise line was obscenely long so he didn't get a shirt... but, happily afterwards walking to my car, we passed a t-shirt seller and we both got the same desired shirt at half price, no line. All the bands were enjoyable but Motley Crues bass sound was turned up LOUD and it distorted the songs. They also used a ton of smoke which made photographs and filming them very difficult. The 17 songs I filmed have been very popular on YouTube. My "Joan Jett - Do You Wanna Touch Me? Oh Yeah" has over 15,000 views in 9 days. I did see on Facebook DC was there with her bf. No contact with her other than sending a happy birthday message later in the week.

Last week KA and I went to the beach, and prepped for her garage sale this upcoming weekend. Yesterday, I led 22 hikers on a challenging, hilly 3.5 miles in the woods, with 17 joining me after for lunch. A lot of regulars including my buddy JS.

This upcoming weekend is KAs garage sale which I took off work FRI to assist with.
My Beer Swap party is on Sat: guests are to bring a cold 6-pack and swap beers with others to create a variety pack, to drink at the event or take home. I invited S27 to attend, as he works at a liquor store and has tasted well over 500 different beers in his employment there (It could be more like 2,500 but I'm not sure). Some friends from IL I've known since grade school are coming, so it should be an enjoyable night of socializing. The rest of the month will be rather quiet as I finish up the freelance book design and layout for a publisher.

Keep on smiling. Be the person who will attract the good things.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on July 19, 2022, 05:22:13 AM
One of our family cats had to be put down. 😿 He was 11. He came into our life when my XW found him in her business parking lot as a kitten. KA liked him a lot when he would mooch for food from her. The last few years since I moved to a new house in '19, he has lived with S29. They say he was XWs cat although he hadn't lived with her in 6 years. She was with them when he was taken in.

I saw in a post that S29s gf referred to XW by her made up name. The first name I can understand but even the last name, the fantasy name. The name originally first appeared as a seer in an erotic short story she wrote to her EA partner in '09. During her MLC she kinda became that character. I have always refused to go along with her mentality and call her by that name (maybe that's a reason for her divorcing me!  :D ). Just wanted her to be the name she was given and later when she took my last name. Over the years I remember her complaining how she had to take on my last name. Hey I didn't create the tradition. Very happy my four sons have my last name. I saw elsewhere in the comments under S29s memorial to our cat that XW and the OM lost another pet in the same week. I dunno which but S20 still lives with them and may clue me in, although I've never even seen any of their pets. That whole new life is unknown to me and I'm happy about that.

Just now a coworker popped his head in and said a former employee died. I didn't know him but do recall seeing the muscular guy often. He was just 49, six years younger than me. All I gotta say people is make the most of your life. Strive for happiness and joy and love your family. Don't waste time.

I got a text message from MM last night saying she misses talking and hanging out with me. She wanted to get together but then said she can't because of school work. Says she gets a break between Aug 8-29th. I just responded I've been busy laying out the freelance book. I did not mention my party this weekend she has been invited to. Figure shes with her old man bf anyway.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: MadLuv on July 19, 2022, 08:11:02 AM
I’m so sorry you had to put your cat down. I had to do that in March with my Lab and I still struggle with him gone. It’s always a git wrenching thing to have to do.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: FaithWalker on July 23, 2022, 10:44:59 AM
STP- I have tickets to that same Concert in Texas in August. It has been moved 3 times due to Covid. Bought the tickets while XH and I were still together and we were going with our adult kids. I have 6 tickets and not sure who is going now. Had forgot all about them.  Hope it’s a great show!!

I think they were just here in my State in Denver because my Facebook feed had a few people posting about that concert last night.

Too bad I'm not closer ML.  LBS night out!   ;D

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: MadLuv on July 23, 2022, 12:38:16 PM
Faithwalker- I have tickets to Motley Crue in Texas also. Had 6 tickets as I bought then for our whole family before it got moved twice due to covid. I just sold 2 tickets. No one wants to go now considering :(
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: MadLuv on July 23, 2022, 02:27:59 PM
Whooppppsss Not sure how I mis-read that. Your bot in Texas FW. Man….I must be having jumbled reading symptoms
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on July 24, 2022, 12:44:01 PM
Well as long as you're the ones talking about the concert I'll post a few pics I took as I love my Canon SX40 camera with its zoom.

Today is hangover 'recovery' from my Beer Swap party last night. It wasn't as well attended as I would've liked but I still had 21 people and 23 different beers to try. (I kept one from everyone to drink at my leisure). It was a fun night overall with everyone opting to stay inside, and we even played a game of "I have never". Of course buddy JS and that other talkative guy were the last ones for me to kick out as I was turning off the lights. Note: If you're a single guy, please let the women do most of the talking. Ask questions and show concern, rather than talk their ears off.

This will be a quiet week as I try and finish up the freelance book layout/design for the publisher. KA will come over Tuesday and next weekend I'm at her house with her D9 and will go to a city corn roast festival.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on August 01, 2022, 09:07:22 AM

Calm weekend with KA, her D9 and mom (who gets included on many outings). We went to a city corn roast and the next day a pierogi fest. I have loads of patience but it wore thin as D9s addiction to being on youtube became an irritation I could no longer avoid. I had to get away if even for 15 mins.

Tuesday this week I'm taking KA to a rooftop restaurant (the most popular place in town) as she's never been and I won't see her this weekend, as I head to Gen Con in Indy (North Americas largest gaming convention) on Thr-Sat. I'm actually going down Wednesday night to pick up my packet and badge. I asked online friend KW who lives in the area if she'd like to get together again (just Wed) but she hasn't confirmed if I can stay over. I met her one time three years ago when I did the same and slept on her couch. Otherwise I'm again staying the duration at my best friends since HS. I feel quite bad that he cannot go this time, as the convention is only for fully vaccinated, and well, that's not him=dumb. So, I'll be mostly alone there (my brother works the con) but I will have evenings at my best friends. His wife has me blocked on Facebook (extreme religious differences) but she's nice in person. I don't want to impose but just found out he can't attend.

I've been thinking a bunch about friends who enter relationships and then disappear. Quite often they meet someone and then choose to make that person their 'everything' and they vanish with them and never come around again. Far fewer are the relationship friends that still come around and they bring their new partner with them. Those friends I like and I approve of the relationships... they met someone who didn't take them away.  Buddy JS said "I'll never see MM again unless she breaks up with her bf."

6 years ago today I was served D papers. Whatever. Glad to be away from XW. Let the OM have no life of his own and suffer having given up seeing his friends and his kids for her.
Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Ready2Transform on August 10, 2022, 01:10:56 PM
Congrats on hitting that milestone running. I don't know what it is with MLCers and August, but it's definitely a hot month for action. I had my BD2 then 11 years ago, and both of my dad's marriages hit the fan in August (one on the same day as my BD but 8 years earlier). We call it our high holy month for freedom. ;)

The advice you've been giving around the forum has been golden. Glad to see you posting other places too. It's so important for people to see there's life on the other side of this, no matter the outcome.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on August 23, 2022, 07:00:30 AM
Thanks for the comment R2T.

The GEN CON game convention was great fun... even going solo and I met up with my brother twice. Nights I stayed at my best friends house near Indianapolis. We tried to get him in on Saturday but he never rolled over his badge from 2020 so his loss.

I ran into S20 at the beach with his gf and one of XWs dogs. He's the one most instrumental in making a reason to come over. I often wonder if it's his idea or if XW wants him out of the house sometimes and says go to your dads?

It had been a long time but I went to XWs Facebook page just to take a peek. Her gray hair has spots of purple in it. Still in her MLC.

I went to three concerts last week. One by myself and it was over in IL by my parents house so I spent the night and enjoyed visiting with them. The second was with the singles group and I made a new friend with the woman BL sitting next to me. I took a selfie with her and invited her to my wine party in Sept. The third show was the Red Hot Chili Peppers at Soldier Field with KA and S22 which was great fun. Two things to know about KA... she is an awesome dancer and has the greatest laugh.

Saturday KA and I went to a friends annual pool party we previously went to in '19 and '18. Most of our friends there are the ones who never stopped partying even in the worst of the pandemic. :o Several have not come to my parties since before COVID, which has bothered me at times. One woman, JR who I've felt was turned against me, was overjoyed to see me and gave me a tight hug and went to kiss me. Even if meant as a 'friendly kiss' I dodged her lips, and KA, elsewhere made no comment later about the loud embrace. JR has had a broken leg the last 6 months and lost her business and said shes moving to FL to be with her daughter. It was a good time there and it was pleasing to feel so welcomed.

Today is KAs D10s birthday. I'll see them Fri. which is S22s birthday. Saturday we will go to an escape room and Sunday is a friends end of summer brunch with over 40 attending. Most I know and I've been going to that event since '16. September is crazy busy with no time for my monthly hike.

I hope you are all living it up and making the best of each day. Enjoy life and reach out to people.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on August 25, 2022, 04:59:24 AM
A story of meeting someone new

I live two miles from Lake Michigan and being another hot day decided to go to the beach again. I've been collecting stones for hosting a rock painting event in my house in Oct. I swam some, got some stones and moved to another section of the beach where there wasn't anyone. A couple of teens showed up and the boy went back to the parking lot leaving the girl walking along the shore. Her baseball capped head was a mass of black hair so I couldn't really see her face as she was looking down scanning for rocks of her own along the shore. That could be the end of the story... but looking for rocks of my own I ventured near to ask her what kind she was looking for? (I've always thought it hard to just break the silence to a complete stranger.)

She looked up and me and smiled. It wasn't a kid but a woman and a stunningly beautiful blue eyed one. She explained she was looking for crinoids and handed me a few she had found to examine. Crinoids are fossilized marine animals that first appeared about 300 million years before dinosaurs. With that explanation we wished each other success in our rock hunting and went our own ways.

A while later after a dip and lots of skipping stones, I found my own crinoid. I could've just left... end of story. The woman was far down the beach, but I decided to show her I found one. I offered to give it to her, in exchange for her telling me her name.  :D She said CAT and said I could keep my found treasure. I thought it unusual she had two feathers tied into her hair. By this point the sun was getting close to setting and I took a photo and she wished she had her phone to capture the spectacular sunset. I offered to send her my pic. Email? Instagram? She said Facebook. We talked fifteen minutes, where we lived, family, jobs etc and I went out on a limb and asked to take a selfie with her (didn't touch her). Her S13 joined us from where he had been playing elsewhere on the beach. He was also a fan of skipping stones (as am I) and the three of us did so for another fifteen minutes. It was a little surreal to be there but not uncomfortable at all. It was getting dark and I said my goodbye.

I sent CAT the pics (which she still hasn't seen) and looked through what I could see of her profile. Age 42 and I wondered if she was still with the guy in her pics as the last one of them was 2020 and we know how MLC can happen at that age (she wore no wedding ring). CAT had told me earlier she had eaten Chinese takeout with her son on the picnic tables. It looks like she races motorcycles! It was just an unexpected & fun encounter on the beach. Perhaps one day she will thank me for the pics?

The moral of this story is don't take a backseat to life. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and meet people and you never know what could happen. Life is an adventure... participate in it.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on August 25, 2022, 09:47:30 AM

The moral of this story is don't take a backseat to life. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and meet people and you never know what could happen. Life is an adventure... participate in it.

I think we spend far too much time wasted on "what ifs" and allowing analysis paralysis to prevent us from moving forward with our lives. I work out at a gym every morning and have met a lot of new friends. One friend is a pastor in another city and he was having a backpack giveaway and invited my scholars to his event. Another guy is a teacher in my district and I saw him at a local watering hole and while we were talking, another young lady called out, "Hey, Mr. Ready, It's me...." She was the daughter of a friend who worked with me at my first school. I remember her when she was a baby. Now she teaches Special Education.

When you are out there and connecting with others in a positive manner, you can improve your own outlook while making others feel better as well. It is all about mindset and living your life regardless of the MLCer.

Remember the forum isn't about the journey of your MLCer, but a journal of your journey to recovery.

Have a great day,


Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on August 29, 2022, 05:11:43 AM
Thanks for the positive words Ready. Good connections make everyone feel better

I had a fun weekend. Discovered quickly in the escape room with KA on Saturday, I am not very analytical in my observations. Her D10 and two friends did all the quick thinking.

Sundays outdoor driveway brunch was a real fun day of eating, visiting with friends and swimming. Buddy JS followed me a bit but I always kept getting the last chair at each table I went to leaving him standing. :)  I saw SMM was there and went right up to her. I last spoke about her here 5 years ago:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8592.msg564298#msg564298 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8592.msg564298#msg564298)
A couple times she brought up the incident that I wouldn't buy her more than one beer. Whatever. Otherwise it was pleasant enough to chat with her. I took our pic and she friended me on facebook that evening. She's a heavy duty smoker, busty barfly, drunk and I told JS to go for it. Ha. Not sure why she felt the need to tell us she's only had sex once in two years. A crazy girl.

This week will go fast I think. KA will come over Tues. Thursday S23 and S20 will go with me to see the Scorpions. Friday, KAs sister will be flying in and I will go with them and their mom to the local street festival for a night of live Journey and Led Zeppelin tribute music. Saturday KA and I go to the renaissance festival in Bristol, WI. dressed in period garb-I wear a sword even. Sunday will be her cities fireworks display and her sister will join us again.

Have fun people. Enjoy your time. Ask the universe to deliver what you desire.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on September 06, 2022, 07:23:37 AM

I had a wonderful weekend with KA, which included her mom and sister. At the street concert on Friday we ran into several friends of ours. One of which is JR, who tried kissing me last month. She asked for a selfie with me and gave me multiple hugs (and KA too). Looks like she'll get a ride to my wine party in a couple weeks after not attending a party since before Covid.

DC actually messaged me.
Hi. Are you by chance throwing a Halloween party? I need a Halloween party this year 🙂
The guy whose Halloween party we met at, can't really do them any more as they got too big and the city stepped in with lots of rules and regulations. He also got divorced and has a new gf so... I'm very happy to be the only one throwing one amongst friends. Hopefully it stays this way. I decided to move away from 'prize for the sexiest costume'. JW has won the last two years and now that she's with her cop bf I don't want to encourage her to attend. DC woulda gave her competition. Women with implants tend to get the most votes.

I was on my soapbox last week preaching the myth of those who believe in soulmates. I'm sure everyones MLCer probably does! This is gold: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/daring-love/201907/beware-the-soulmate-myth?fbclid=IwAR1xh9W-eUkNVFcQnAkDcIDsQg7Lb_xX7lxFDPSS4x0Pt7N_wCg5ojmCCpo (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/daring-love/201907/beware-the-soulmate-myth?fbclid=IwAR1xh9W-eUkNVFcQnAkDcIDsQg7Lb_xX7lxFDPSS4x0Pt7N_wCg5ojmCCpo)

This short week will involve more kayaking, beaching and baking. Saturday I will leave KA with her D10 and attend a very good friends patio party in IL. KA and I went last year to this annual event. Sunday my gf and I go camping in WI without D10. Yes, sleeping in a tent.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on September 19, 2022, 09:17:57 AM

A lot going on but keeping it short as it's drama free fun. Last week my camping trip with KA was a super fantastic time! We didn't let the rainy first half get us down (and still did everything I wanted us to), as we revisited the campground of my childhood. Between '74 and '91 I've gone there 15 times. The last two times were before children with XW. While on the drive up to WI, MM sent me a picture of her old man bfs son recovering in the hospital. Her text was as if I knew things prior to his stay there. I don't really give a crap about the kid. She sometimes confuses things of great importance to her as being of great importance to me. Lack of empathy? She has this heir of importance that bothers many, KA included.

Saturday was my wine party and I had 32 people over. A few new people that were friends of friends but none made a lasting impression. We had 26 open bottles of wine, a backyard fire and I managed to get everyone out of my house 15 mins after it ended at midnight.  MM left a message on the event that it depended on the kids healing from his heart surgery. I'm glad she didn't show up. If I need to remind you, she met this 30 yr old in a bar and just started talking with him and then started dating his dad who said he loved her within 10 days of meeting her. I'm sure there will come a day of regret when she shows up as shes turned her back on all her friends to make him her everything. Whatever.

This week/weekend I'm going to a concert in Chicago, kayaking with a couple in a lagoon, to KAs cousins wedding and my moms 80th birthday gathering.

I hope all is as well as it can be. Don't let anyone control your emotions. Find your happiness undeterred by others. Live these days in search of happiness. We don't get the time back.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on September 23, 2022, 06:25:58 AM

I went over to MMs Facebook this week and her profile image was her and the older bf she is dating. The next day I noticed she had changed the image to just a sunrise/sunset and the following day she deactivated her account. I'm not sure what is going on, but she knows how to reach me when she wants to. I am hopeful she ends her relationship with him, so I can have my dear friend back consistently in my life.

After my wine party I texted DC, who indicated she meant to come, but her gal pal wasn't able to and sons soccer etc. Told her I have ten open half full bottles of dry wine she can have. (KA and I like sweet wine). She's in the office Thursdays (in my city) and stopped by for a 40 min chat. I always forget how tall she is, which I like. She confided in me about her bf having prostate cancer and going for surgery on Monday. They plan to come to my Halloween party which they did once before. At one point DC was going on-and-on about work  ::) and I grabbed her shoulders and just kissed her a few times. Took a pic with her and she left. Not letting her fully friend zone me.

It did make me wonder if something tragic happened to DCs bf and she was unattached, would I change anything in my life to be with her? I don't even know if she's ever seen me as marriage material  ;D, as that's her desire (I'd consider going there). I definitely would not want to hurt KA as she is so good for me in lots of ways...

however, this weekend I need to have a talk with KA about my Halloween party. It is MY most anticipated event of the year. I've bought over 70 new decorations for this year. Last year at midnight when the party was due to end, I still had 18 people over and told her I wouldn't kick them out, so she left in a huff of anger and sadness. I need to find middle ground here, as I decorate for weeks and want it to go late. I certainly can start it an extra hour early.

This Sunday morning, after her cousins wedding, we will awaken in IL. Her mom and my parents will meet for the first time in passing at my moms 80th birthday celebration at a park.

I sent out invites to the 23 friends KA would like to attend her 50th birthday celebration in OCT. Buddy JS was not included for the steak meal and casino show. It's been fun organizing it.

Tonight we will go with her D9 and mom maybe to an Oktoberfest.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on September 30, 2022, 08:09:50 AM

I had a quick talk with KA about my Halloween party. She knows its my fave time of year and I asked for my party to go to 1 am and starting an extra hour earlier. She said she will just go home when tired and not plan on sleeping over to be better rested for church.

The meeting of moms went well enough at my parents house until we went to have a picnic of sorts outside at a park shelter. KA and her mom get cold super easy. They consider 70º as cold so while the rest of my family were fine eating outside on a windy day.

MM messaged me shes been working long days, up to 12 hrs, on her internship which ends Oct 20. The building is right next to XWs shop. MM left Facebook to take a break from it as it gets overwhelming. She apologized for missing parties but her bf lives in MI and she goes there weekends as theres no place for them here. She'd like to get together to catch up Oct 9th. which I guess works for me.

Speaking of XW, I saw a photo of her on Facebook with OM, S30 and others for S30s gfs birthday. She looked the same... gray hair with a splash of purple on the side. Still in MLC.

I've been real tired this week with a cold. Makes me almost want to use a covid test to see if I actually got it?

No sleeping in this weekend for us. Saturday morning KA and I, along with S20 are taking a quarry tour. It's only open two days a year for such excursions. Sunday morning I am leading a group of about a dozen people, including buddy JS, on a 3 hr hike downstate IN. The drive is over 2 hrs to Turkey Run.

Next week will be 6 years D. So many good memories since then. Kinda crazy I've been with KA for 77% of it.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 03, 2022, 07:03:30 AM
Reminiscing today

My weekend was terrific but not getting to sleep in past 7:30 made for tiring days. Buddy JS was too clingy on my hike and he traps people in lengthy uninterruptible monologues that are exhausting. 5 hrs with him in my car was brutal at times as he just went on and on explaining things I don't really care about. Woman friend PB in the back seat tried to sleep through it. At one point JS was talking about women we know, and couldn't remember her name, but said DC is the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. (groan, which had me thinking 'just leave her alone'.) He's well aware she has a bf but I can see him bothering her when they come to my Halloween party.

I finalized birthday plans for KAs 50th celebration in two weeks. Steak dinner at new nearby casino with about a dozen mutual friends of her choosing, followed by Radio Gaga concert there featuring the songs of Queen and Lady Gaga. KA was tipped off to that part of the evening and wasn't pleased, so we will skip the second half and instead go dancing at a bar afterwards (which is what she wanted).

One of my favorite traits about KA is just how grounded she is. She is not flaky at all, being in complete control of her mental and emotional self. She is not easily influenced by others. Life’s small mishaps just roll off her shoulders with a laugh. She is sensible, realistic, calm and unpretentious.

Today I find myself reminiscing at the Octobers of '16 and '17 with gfs AG and CH and meeting DC. There were plenty of good times back then but also uncertainty, confusion and hurt. Tomorrow marks 6 years D. What an enjoyable time it's been since then. I know how my life woulda be more of the same, living out XWs life, whereas being single, I have made it what I want it to be. Loads of fun and socializing.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 10, 2022, 11:05:34 AM

Text from MM on Sunday
Hi, it would be nice to get together today however I cannot do it because of school work. I don't even know if I can go to the singles hayride tonight. Are you going? I have two weeks left and it’s down to the wire so it’s a lot to do

I don't really care to see her and didn't even invite her to my Halloween party. I had a special day instead and saw all 4 of my sons. S22 texted me about going to Chicago to root on his older brother S30 running the 26.2 mile marathon. They were supposed to run it together but S22 hurt his leg 7 weeks ago and is still dealing with that pain.  I ran it twice in my youth before kids and the second time while engaged to XW. She had her own plans and wasn't at the marathon.
Came home and S27 and I did his pumpkin beer taste test. He works 1 day at a liquor store and brought 16 different flavors to try. S20 came over to watch a movie but S27 and I were still drinking and he left. I wasn't in the right condition to watch anything.

This upcoming weekend is KAs 50th b-day celebration. I have 15 people coming to it. We are also looking forward to sleeping in!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 11, 2022, 08:46:50 AM
In my last vacation with XW 2/16 she eluded to this. It was a romantic getaway in a cabin for three days and I recall her asking me during a talk one night "Don't you want to be with someone who appreciates you (and your hobbies)?" She was saying we weren't a good match and there were better women for me. I didn't know it at the time that she was already working on her exit strategy with OM, whom we saw again less than a week later.

"You can remove someone from your life and still truly want what's best for them.
Just because there is a distance or detachment, it doesn't mean that hate has to fill that space."

I'm quite certain there is no hate directed at me. She simply sees me as an old friend and partner in the child raising years. I kinda see her the same way. I still am hopeful for her marriage to fail. I could be legit friends with her if she was with a different man. One who didn't break up my marriage. I'm long over it. Rarely give her a thought except it woulda been our 32 yr anniversary last week. I'm having way too much fun to look back for more than a moment.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on October 11, 2022, 12:57:28 PM

I have some mixed feelings on your post. In many of the threads, there is hate and the MLCer could care less about the LBSer and children. They will bankrupt the family, intentionally try to cheat the LBSer of funds, and emotionally abuse the LBSer and the children, especially if they don't go with the "Plans" of the MLCer.

In my situation, my ex cheated on me, lied, and she used me. She blew up our family to pursue her "soul" mate. If she had any character, she could have told me  that we were done and treated me with respect as we went through the divorce. When we were completely finished, then she could go look for her soul mate. While we are not enemies and hold no hate towards each other, she is not an old friend. Not everyone is in the same situation or has received equally treatment. I was lucky my children were older and more independent so the impact was different. I couldn't imagine going through MLC with young children and I having nothing but respect for any single parent with young children. By the way, my MLCer's treatment of our children is another reason why we are not friends.

However, just like you, I rarely give her a thought and have moved far on down the road.

I'm having way too much fun to look back for more than a moment.

I completely agree with this. The past eight years have been amazing. I look forward to all my weekends. This past weekend, we went to Julian, CA. Spent two nights in an Historic Hotel, visited an old gold mine, toured a wolf rescue center, ate fantastic food, and left with a Julian Apple pie. Just a fantastic weekend filled with fun and just enjoying each other's company. Yes, we appreciate each other and that means everything. It makes life so enjoyable even if I work hard. The mind games are gone and living in a home walking on eggshells is just not healthy.

Continue to enjoy your life and wish KA a happy birthday for me!

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: MomOfSteel on October 12, 2022, 08:51:44 AM
It gives me hope to see those of you who have moved on to new relationships finding something healthy and fulfilling.  I think that reading the outcomes, whether it is moving on and finding happiness or spouses returning is really helpful to me. 
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 13, 2022, 09:26:06 AM
Happy to hear from you Ready and pleased to hear life's grand!

Thanks for responding and Im pleased to bring you hope that brightness will prevail. I browsed your first and latest threads and you are getting great advice! MLC is a journey and time (and forgetfulness) are the greatest healers. It certainly is a lot harder with younger kids. Some of my biggest 'mistakes' were making my spouse my everything and my emotional state hinged on her actions. I recall saying often "If we can do everything together, we should." Looking back I realize how wrong that is, as it neutralized our own uniquenesses to be similar. When you stop doing things you enjoy.... to assimilate more with your mate, you are committing a suicide of your self. Another big thing, is to be in control of your emotions by detaching and trying to not have the actions of others effect you... unless you let it. Avoid the hurt. It's okay to 'not care' about everything.

My coworker is often reading me the news and tells me of horrific accidents. I don't really care. I won't care. I'm too busy over here leading my own happy life. I simply don't have enough energy to spread to those that don't matter to my daily life. A form of self preservation I suppose. This is my stance with the MLCer. Don't focus on what they have or took from you but on what you have NOW. I'm happy every day, alone or with people and very much in the moment. I'm in a very good place 6 yrs post D.

Thanks for following along.  :)

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 24, 2022, 05:27:08 AM
Birthday weekend journalling

Friday was KAs 50th birthday and her mom treated us and her D9 to Texas Roadhouse. The girl is a spoiled brat grounded from electronics but KA caves all the time and backs down on her punishment. The mom and I shake our heads and try to not have her be that way. K and D9 left the restaurant with the girl in tears at one point. I try my best to keep out of it. It weighs heavily on KAs psyche.

Saturday I went to the airport to pick up S23 and his gf flying back from ME.  During the last week he and his brothers: S30, S27 and S20 and my XW and OM were all on a family vacation in a rental home out east. I saw the kids snapchat stories on things they did. I did not see XW in any of the footage. I guess there were arguments daily on where to to go seeing at they had but two cars for 9 people and everyone had different ideas. I tried to not think about it much on how it woulda been if I was there and the family had not been broken by her. Old news... I did wonder if I was thought of on the trip. Two of the kids sent me pics while on their vacation so the answer is yes. I'd like to think think the see the OM as a bit of an outsider still.

Sunday was my 56th birthday. It was nice to have 1/3 of my Facebook friends wish me happy birthday. I do wonder why the others don't? Just liking someone elses birthday wish to me doesn't really cut it DC. Some birthdays come in like a lion and some like a lamb. 56 crept in silently, sheepishly away from the wolf of aging. I went for a 2 mile run; something I hadn't done in 5 months and really didn't see myself ever doing again. Lately I've had no leg aches and the days 77° wind called me out. I had no other plans with anyone so I helped a friend carry out his belongings into a moving truck. I know how it is to move and how desired help is and I wanted to fill his need. S20 texted me to come over to show me concert videos he filmed of a show I missed with him. I was delighted and surprised to see S23 and S30 come over and spend the night with me bringing cake and presents. Especially S30 who I don't see very often. It was wonderful to have the family time.

I was surprised and a bit hurt to see a photo of two very good friends of mine for 35+ years with my rebound gf GW and her bf. Six years ago while dating GW for the two months we were together, I took her to my friends party.
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7844.msg515313#msg515313 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7844.msg515313#msg515313)
We were there four hours and the women friended each other on Facebook. A few weeks after that GW dumped me harshly and I was wrecked. She blocked me and all that and started dating a coworker of hers. We haven't spoken since, but my friends stayed Facebook friends withe her (They NEVER unfriend anyone) To me that is hurtful and bizarre. WTF would you stay connected to someone I was dating after she broke it off with me? Well anyway the four of them got together over the weekend for the first time to go to some jeep event. I guess I can see it in two ways:
1) Their relationship isn't dependant on the one I had with GW. GW mighta devastated me, but my friends weren't hurt by her so alls good to them.
2) Out of loyalty to me and the hurt GW caused me they shoulda dropped her, knowing her 4 hrs and me 35+ years with little chance of ever meeting again... or so I thought.

The greatest wealth of life is your time and the people you spend it with. Enjoy each day in some way. ❤️
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 27, 2022, 10:05:24 AM
BF messaged me
I just woke up from a stupid dream. It was awful and about “them”.  I never got answers and he still has not seen or communicated with his kids. Is it bad I just want them to be miserable? NO ONE will EVER make her happy. No matter what he buys or pays for her. He’s a narcissistic personality. They have no sense of self, they project the ones they are surrounded by.

I agreed with her on several things and am very far removed from the past. I'd just like the XW & OM relationship to fail and can dream of that happening once S20 moves out. I have no interest in going back.

Tonight I am going to an axe throwing place in town invited by a woman friend. I'm not sure who will all be there but it's local so not much of an effort... other than throwing axes.  :D KA will be over tomorrow and Saturday is my Halloween party, which she has indicated she will not sleep over as it may go late. I do not expect MM to attend but have 30 friends coming including buddy JS.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on October 31, 2022, 11:03:20 AM

Forgot to mention XW did text me Happy Birthday last weekend. Guess I'm still worthy of that.  :D

My Halloween party was fantastically fun and I had almost 45 people come and stay past 2 am. The weather was decent enough for some to sit out around the bonfire for awhile. I was the Hulk and KA wore her colorful unicorn onesie. MM had texted me her old man bf had a heart attack and had stints put in, so she'd be away dealing with that. Whatever, as I hadn't officially invited her anyway. Despite DC texting "she really needed a party to go to this year", she just went to a bar with her bf and bestie-quite lame. If they don't come to my Christmas party they will be removed from my party group. Buddy JS won the original costume prize wearing a Squid Game masked guard outfit. I won best but as host it went to whomever was next. Funniest got the most votes as a royal flush, toilet seat playing card crown wearer. KA asked me about a woman DL who hadn't been to a party of mine since 9/21 who kissed me on the cheek.
KA wondered about new busty woman who seemed to be laying her head on me in a selfie.
I  didn't really have an answer why she did. I had just sat next to DL a couple days earlier at the axe throwing event. KA left a bit after midnight as we had discussed to prevent frustration. When the music ended at 2 am there were still 5 people. The final two women left and tired, drunk and dehydrated me finally got to sleep but slept terribly. Tired, Sunday was a cleaning day before S20 came over to watch Halloween Ends. He and S27 had come to my party.


I'm looking forward to laying low awhile with just a weekend at KAs and a hilly 4-mile hike planned this upcoming Sunday for under 30 singles. Happy Halloween!

Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Ready2Transform on October 31, 2022, 11:50:21 AM
Happy Halloween! That room kicks ass!
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: MadLuv on November 01, 2022, 10:29:22 AM
How fun is that? When in office we decorated and dressed up to the extreme. I miss that. Sounds like you had a great party!! And happy belated bday
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 07, 2022, 07:35:26 PM
Thanks for the comments R2T and MadLuv

I'm posting on a Monday night in a place of pain and suffering having hurt my gf KA, who I care deeply about and love. In my last post, I described the fun Halloween party I had in my home and how KA left before it was over, as she had to teach Sunday school and we agreed it could go on later as I put so much effort into decorating. One of the few remaining guests near the end was her closest thing to a new bestie KM whom we've known almost 3 years. KM, very intoxicated cornered me in the kitchen and out of sight of all others kissed me. Something I would not want KA to know about and hoped to just put it behind us as a memory and move forward. Well tonight KM texted KA she was ashamed and sorry for her, wrong doing and apologized profusely for kissing me. KA came at me angry texting, wanting to know details and she is very upset feeling betrayed by us both. Crying, angry and hurting, wanting to know why I didn't tell her. (I hoped to get past it and not have any damaged relationships-the last friend who kissed me (RH) which I waited awhile to divulge to KA was unfriended and shunned.)
I'm upset with KM for creating such havoc, and I don't think the woman realizes she will be discarded by us both. KA has unfriended her and texted me she will not come over for our usual Tuesday date night. She does not have her D10 tonight or tomorrow so I can imagine the anguish she is going through alone. I agreed and understand why she feels the way she does and apologized for not revealing the kiss to her. I feel devastated to hurt her so much. Our relationship has had very few trials to test our continuing strength. sigh. I really hope things progress positively.

In unrelated news I am on a 30 day lock out from Facebook for trying to post an inappropriate image in my fantasy art group. Can't post, like or comment. I led a fun hike yesterday and luncheon but can't post about it and atm I am just sulking and giving KA her space. Night.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Treasur on November 07, 2022, 11:35:01 PM
I’m not sure you are being honest with yourself, STP. And so therefore not with KA either.

I think you have, at best, pretty sloppy boundaries with women and a noticeable need for attention. Just on this thread alone, there are initials with various degrees of ‘shared wine and kisses’. IIRC from older threads, there are initials with sofa snuggling, sexy pics and if only attractions. Sometimes tbh it sounds almost high schoolish with a set of revolving characters.....

Now, you are a grown up man and it’s your right to live and party as you wish. But it isn’t the behaviour of a committed monagamous man who deeply loves and respects his partner. You are conning yourself, and KA, if you say it is.

You have often mentioned that KA is not a fan of the parties....quite possibly bc her gut tells her that you have sloppy boundaries with women and seem to know quite a lot of women with sloppy boundaries too. It seems unfair and dishonest to blame your lack of boundaries solely on KM imho and entirely predictable that something like this would blow up eventually. And your ‘hope to get past it’ and ‘progress positively’ by both of you blaming KM sounds as if it in reality means not getting busted and that KA will suck it up eventually as no big deal and not your fault....like a grown up version of ‘a big boy made me do it and ran away’. No sense in your post of holding yourself responsible for your own behaviour or changes you need to make, more that you don’t much like the consequences of being caught out and for many of us here who have had unfaithful partners, that’s a ton of rather familiar red flags.

Perhaps the more grown up and kind and respectful thing to do would be to be more honest with yourself about why your boundaries are sloppy, why there is any behaviour to be ‘caught out on’ and what KA really means to you.

I have always thought that you say very little about her as a person in her own right that you love as opposed to just one of the many players in your life. It’s as if she shows up in your life but you don’t seem to engage in her’s much if that makes sense. Is that what love is to you, STP? What do you think you honestly have to offer KA compared to what she wants? And if there are things she does not know, how honest a choice can she really make about what being in a relationship with you really means she is buying into?

I don’t think you’re a bad guy or trying to hurt KA or anyone else. But I do think you are not being honest with yourself or KA. And we can hurt people a lot by doing that. A lot of us here....maybe you too in the past....got badly hurt by partners who did not treat us or our existing relationship with respect and honesty, didn’t we? If I were KA’s friend, i’m afraid that i’d be encouraging her to take a little space to look at what kind of partnership you can really offer based on the facts she knows with a very clear eye and whether that is acceptable for how she wants to live or not. As grown ups, after all, we know that you can care about someone and enjoy time with them but be ill-matched in terms of the kind of relationship you need and want and offer.....
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 08, 2022, 05:57:49 AM
Thank you Treasur for pointing out that I have avoided being completely honest with myself. You are right, I'm not sure what I want. I'm going about my day giving KA the space she needs until she wants to communicate. I feel heartache which is deserved from the way I've been.

Ive heard the high school comparison before with so many interacting people of the same age group and I do like to report on my thread like a melodrama.

After the end of my marriage I made a conscious decision to not allow myself to fall deeply in love again. The chance for hurt is too great and my heart is too guarded now. I know I am flawed and all I can do is try to keep improving myself and be open and honest with those that matter. I will think hard about the sloppy boundaries and why there is behavior to be ‘caught out on’ and what she really means to me. Not hurting her is a priority.

I have always thought that you say very little about her as a person in her own right that you love as opposed to just one of the many players in your life. It’s as if she shows up in your life but you don’t seem to engage in her’s much...

I just don't post those things in detail. Of the 16 days a month we are together, 6 of those are me all-in her life engaged in things of importance to them. Through ongoing text daily I'm involved in her life and D10, being supportive, responsive and interested. She's grounded, intelligent but overworked. My love for her is trying to be there for her, take care of her and fulfill her needs as I am capable of. There is Intimacy, passion and commitment.

I was hurt badly in the past as well.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: xyzcf on November 08, 2022, 07:29:50 AM
After the end of my marriage I made a conscious decision to not allow myself to fall deeply in love again. The chance for hurt is too great and my heart is too guarded now.
I was hurt badly in the past as well.

Raw and total honesty. I like that.

That part of loving another seemingly has shut down in me. I think we are all different in that respect...it isn't right or wrong and lots of therapy later, I personally still do not know why I would chance ever going through this again?

So thanks STP for sharing that.

I hope that KA understands this. It does sound like you have a deep affection for her and a "love" of some type.

Take good care of yourself STP.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Treasur on November 08, 2022, 08:00:31 AM
Quite something, STP, to respond to my post like you did. Takes some real courage imho.
See, I knew you weren’t a bad guy  :)
I took a quick flick back in your posts to when you and KA got together and tbh you might find it useful to do that too bc you shared quite a lot about what was going on in you and for you then.

As xyzcf said, we get it. Life is different after this scale of punch in the face and different LBS adapt to that in different ways. I too find it almost unimaginable to have the kind of relationship I believed I had before, not bc of other people but bc some bit of me seems to no longer be ‘online’ just as xyzcf described. That may change, and it seems a bit of a waste bc I was a pretty good partner and I liked it, but it seems to be how it is for now.

But, of everything that my xh did, the deceit - active and passive - was the most damaging. It took away my agency, my right to make my own choices based on relevant information, and it left me not knowing which way was up for quite a long time. Imho being honest with others when you think they won’t much like what you might say is always hard....but deceit can harm people to their bones. I don’t think you really want to be that kind of guy even if you also don’t want to be all in as you were before you got so very hurt. And you can choose what kind of guy you want to be, you know - that’s in your hands. After all, Do No Harm is not a bad aim in adult life. :)
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: OffRoad on November 08, 2022, 12:57:01 PM
Consider this, STP. If you are so afraid of going "all in" in another relationship, then it makes sense your bad boundaries are your possible "one foot out the door" strategy. If something happens with KA, you'll just move on to one of the others. Does this really make sense to you? That you'd want to move on to someone who had inappropriate boundaries with a person who was supposedly in a committed relationship? Is that really better than going all in on a relationship that has a person who has boundaries enough not to do something like that?

And IMO, as to KA and waiting and giving her space. Give her some space, then send something or leave something at her house that says "I'm a freaking BOZO. Please give me a chance to make this right." Then make it right with actions and stop dangling that foot out of the door. Throwing a way a good thing because you are afraid really doesn't make much sense. Remember you only live once. Live it with honor, integrity and loyalty. The rest is just window dressing.

JMO, you may always choose to do what you want.

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: OffRoad on November 08, 2022, 01:04:37 PM
OH, and new thread, please.

Or Ursa will come and gif bomb you.
Title: Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: Ready2Transform on November 08, 2022, 06:37:52 PM
I too want to commend you, STP, for receiving all input in the spirit of support (not criticism) it is intended. We are all human, and this shared experience has changed our approach to relationships. If it didn't, we'd be crazy! And we are most of us single people now, even if we didn't want to be. We have the right to define 'commitment' and relationships however we see fit, but I agree with others that you and your partner should at least be on the same page with that definition. And that comes with the vulnerability and accountability that so many of us fear in new relationships.

I remember your BD very well. It was particularly cruel. I think you've grown a lot in your ability to overcome resentment toward her and focus on yourself, your life, having fun, and being social. But there is probably still a wall there when it comes to not wanting to ever feel that level of pain again, and maybe sabotaging something good in order to keep yourself from going deeper. There's nothing wrong with having a relationship that allows you each to have space; but you can't fill all the extra space with other people. It doesn't leave room for yourself and your growth. Maybe, and this is just my opinion, if you took time to work through these vulnerable places that are still afraid of what might happen if you love too much, that fear will start to neutralize a bit. I did a stint of work with a "resilience coach" this year and through meditation and mindfulness, I've peeled back more layers of this trauma and feel so much more prepared for future relationships because the one with myself improved. That was just my way (not saying it should be yours), but even this far down the line after BD, it helped. I feel even more independent, and ironically, I think that will eventually make me a better partner.

I hope you and KA get back on the same page. If you don't, I hope you have amicable peace with it and are able to appreciate how much this relationship has helped you both grow.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 08, 2022, 08:51:53 PM
Thank you for responding xyzcf, Treasur, OffRoad and R2T. Your words brings me valued observations on my journey and interest in yours.

Part of not giving 'my all' is KA does not want to get married (I'm okay with this) and we can't really live together either so there is some healthy space/distance in our relationship. I am committed to her and we are an established couple. I did go back and read our beginning (as you suggested Treasur). It was interesting to revisit that and see how we've grown. I have time to be myself as I am alone Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays each week and see friends just 2 or 3 days a month.

KA texted me this morning and it was our usual small talk that we have every work day. She asked to call me after 5pm and I was in the voting hall and she called after that. She immediately said she accepted my apology. I was like huh? I hadn't even said what I was prepared to. I had ended the previous night texting
I should've told you the next day (about the kiss). No matter who, if anyone ever tries this crap again you will hear it from me. This happened to me way back in IL too when a friend of my XW ambush kissed me at a costume party. I understand (you are hurt and angry). I'm sorry I didn't tell you and hurt you by keeping quiet. I'm supposed to do right and didn't.

I thanked her for retaining me as her boyfriend. She told me she dropped KM as a friend and deleted all paths of communication and never wants to see her again. Surprisingly she said I didn't have to delete her (I can't now anyway being in Facebook jail). She said she has lost the trust between us and I acknowledged that time and my actions will get it back and I believe it's better she is with me at parties, even if she feels stressed having to watch over me as she can't trust these women. It shouldn't be an issue as most respect us, but then again the affection from KM was a complete surprise! I really think everything is gonna be alright. She said if KM was at a party she would just ignore her. I said KM will not be invited again to my house. I feel a new level of commitment to KA and told her I would hate to lose her and her family who I enjoy being with (although D10 and I bicker at times about her phone addiction). KA is coming over this weekend where it will be just us two, which will jumpstart the reconnecting.

I'll start a new thread with my next post.
Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 09, 2022, 04:59:58 AM
OH, and new thread, please.

Or Ursa will come and gif bomb you.

By Your Command......

Title: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
Post by: STP on November 14, 2022, 10:25:52 AM
Lock this one down. My new thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12011.new#new (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12011.new#new)