Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: HeavenlyFocus on March 18, 2022, 06:43:14 AM

Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on March 18, 2022, 06:43:14 AM
Here is my new thread.  I will add a more detailed message later this weekend.

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: JohnnyBravo on March 18, 2022, 12:36:16 PM
R2T mentioned supplements at the end of your previous thread... One of the books I read recommended GABA, which is supposed to slow activity in the brain (it's a neruotransmitter). I've been taking it, and I'm not sure if it's working or I'm just calming down over time.

R2T, any info on GABA?

JB

Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on March 22, 2022, 08:31:58 AM
Hi JB,

I am aware of GABA but haven't taken it before.  Would be interested to get other's feedback.

Journaling:

Well, this past week has been good for me as I just slowed down had some downtime without the kids.   I am a point where I know I am moving forward in the right direction and making good decisions on the big things (Kids, Job Search, Healthy Eating/Exercise, Good Sleep).  My job search is going well and a couple of other opportunities have popped up which are interesting and could be good fits for me.

As for my XW, I continue to hear about her firm kids about her struggles with close relationships with friends here locally as well as some issues managing her motherly duties.   She appears to be trying as a Mom which I am grateful.   Just tough to watch her self-destruct with key relationships.   It has provided me complete confirmation of her MLC and I know I can't directly help her through her journey right now.   Tough to do as I always was her caretaker and was her Rock to help her through the hard times.   I am at a point where I have accepted reality and will let time work to heal me and my XW over time.  We are on our own journeys for now.

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Standing Strong on March 22, 2022, 09:18:10 AM
  Tough to do as I always was her caretaker and was her Rock to help her through the hard times.   I am at a point where I have accepted reality and will let time work to heal me and my XW over time.  We are on our own journeys for now.

Hey HF  :D

Oh I can soooooo relate to this. It's tough isn't it? That role we have (or used to have).... to be the protector, leader, fixer, rock and strength....... hard to let go.
There is a positive aspect to it though..... she has to learn to do some of this for herself, and if she wakes up later, can actually/totally/really appreciate what you do/did. Very awesome all that's going on in your life  8)

-SS
 
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: MadLuv on March 23, 2022, 04:17:48 AM
HF- I think that is the hardest part for detachment is the care giver role. You have no idea how much energy you put into that role until you try stop it. There is also the part of guilt that plays a role in it. Not deserved, but we feel bad that if we don’t continue that they will fall harder. For me now just finding out my XH has been married for months is just giving me that relief to let that role go. That is someone else’s issue, someone that has job idea their are issues or afraid to take her rose colored glasses off.
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on April 18, 2022, 08:16:12 PM
Good time to journal as much has happened over the past 4 weeks although things with the MLCer still appear to be the status quo.   The good news is I have had multiple interviews over the past couple of weeks and I think I may have an offer as soon as this week.   Also doing some contract work for the time being which will feels productive.   Really looking forward to getting back to work full time which should come as my severance runs out.  Good timing!   :D

As for XW, she seems to be in some inner battle with herself.   She had about a 7 to 10 day period of not feeling well and I was able to help out with the kids while the kids were with her during her week.   She actually even apologized to me for not feeling well, and I let her now that she never has to apologize with her chronic illness.  I still sympathize with her long-term health struggles although there are many other things that she needs to apologize for.  Maybe someday I will get one. 

As for the OM, still no public disclosure although he still appears to be in the picture based on her not being home one morning when our D needed something from her place.   Still can't believe that she has kept it hidden for over 2 years.  Craziness!

Well, learning to let the craziness go and treat her as a long lost relative that I still need to co-parent with.  Gotta live my own life now.

HF

Title: Re: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Ready2Transform on April 19, 2022, 05:58:51 PM
R2T mentioned supplements at the end of your previous thread... One of the books I read recommended GABA, which is supposed to slow activity in the brain (it's a neruotransmitter). I've been taking it, and I'm not sure if it's working or I'm just calming down over time.

R2T, any info on GABA?

JB

Hey JB! Sorry, I just caught this! I've actually just gone back on GABA myself. I took it within the first few years post-BD, and it was effective for me (or like you, sort of in conjunction with returning to a normal state). I was having some sleep disturbances over the last few months and so far, along with meditation, it's helping.

Quote
Well, learning to let the craziness go and treat her as a long lost relative that I still need to co-parent with.  Gotta live my own life now.

Doing good, HF! Congrats on all the good news on the work front!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: PJ Ames on April 23, 2022, 07:38:09 PM
Following along HF.
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Standing Strong on April 23, 2022, 08:54:39 PM
Weird how they don't/can't admit eh HF?

I wonder if by the time they get around to being in a position to make a real switch, the feelings have worn down and they don't even want that anymore?

I'm so glad you're doing so well  :D

-SS
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on April 25, 2022, 06:32:57 PM
Thank you Ready, PJ, and SS for your continued support.

Big news to share today!   I received an offer and accepted a job.   I am going through the pre-hiring process right now and will start in May.   It is such a huge relief and will help as I move forward on my journey.   I am now planning to move to a house in the summer and my kids are really excited too.  I'm ready for some fun and positive memories this year after a difficult two years.   

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: xyzcf on April 25, 2022, 07:42:57 PM
That is fantastic news HF!!!!

Congratulations!!!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: JohnnyBravo on April 25, 2022, 08:07:38 PM
Excellent! Congrats!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Curiosity on April 25, 2022, 08:24:50 PM
Wonderful news, HF! Wishing you all the best in this new chapter. I think I’ve said it before, but it beats repeating - your journey has been a true inspiration to me and I’m sure to many others. You are the very picture of what success on this journey means.
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Treasur on April 25, 2022, 10:18:09 PM
Great news, HF! Well done!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: UrsaMajor on April 26, 2022, 01:58:56 AM
Congratulations! That has to be a REAL relief for you and one less thing to have to worry about
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: MadLuv on April 26, 2022, 06:29:02 AM
Congratulations on the new job and moving forward in New ways. I think this is fantastic!!! Specially, with a new job comes new interactions and progress and that gives new things to talk about and discuss with others. For me one of the hardest things was to be around people discussing their lives and I had not much to offer. With a new job there will be more new things to chat about. Congratulations again!!!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: MomOfSteel on April 26, 2022, 10:03:41 PM
Congrats!  I’m glad you found a new job!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: FaithWalker on May 01, 2022, 02:53:57 PM
Congrats on the new job and moving house this Summer!  Very happy for you HF!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on May 02, 2022, 08:44:38 PM
Thank you everyone for all your kind wishes.  I have so thankful for all of your support.

Well things are moving fast as I have more good news.   I have put in my notice for my apartment and found a house to rent which will be better for me and my D's.   I am really excited as it has a study so I can work from home remotely and has plenty of space for my D's.   

It is a little bittersweet though as I think about the housing market and what might have been had we stayed put with either of the houses that we owned prior to and during the MLC.   We sold and bought a home the year before the BD.  I know I can't take money with me, and I'm grateful that I am debt free while no longer having any risk of excessive spending by my XW.  I guess it just irks me that my XW and I are spending all this money individually on rent in this hot housing market.

My XW also continues to have chronic health issues which required me to help out more with the kids lately.   I don't mind as I love being a father to my kids, and I had to do this all throughout our marriage too.   I guess it's just weird now as I have to help out more for my kids sake while she struggles with her MLC and health.    She also has been asking me for help as a caretaker.    I feel conflicted as she fired me from that role and yet she still turns to me for help.   I continue to be cordial helping when appropriate, especially when she asks with the kids around.  I still think I need to set some boundaries too as I start my job soon.

In summary, I have a job and an exciting place for my kids and me to live at.   At the same time, I see the destruction that the MLC has had in my life, and I still am working to show compassion for my XW while detaching and focusing on my own journey.

Thanks for letting me share joy and vent at the same time tonight.

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Standing Strong on May 02, 2022, 09:51:45 PM
WooHooo HF  ;D

Things are looking up!! That's wonderful  8)

A caretaker eh? That doesn't surprise me at all. Survival trumps MLC, she knows you as a trustworthy person..... probably THE most trustworthy person.

I'm so glad and happy things are going well for ya.

-SS
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: KellBell on May 03, 2022, 06:34:43 AM
I see the destruction that the MLC has had in my life, and I still am working to show compassion for my XW while detaching and focusing on my own journey.

^^^ this! It really is freeing to finally be able to be in a place where you can focus on YOU and your journey and thoughts of them don't consume your energy. I really do feel like in some of our situations we can GAL and detach, yet still have compassion for our x. It's not a weakness or step in the wrong direction. Compassion and kindness are not faults. I feel I can be kind to my x without any expectations or reciprocation. That doesn't mean I am a doormat. I still guard myself and shut things down when they go too far or want too much...but I really don't think we have to change who we are fundamentally because they are having a crisis. Just never lose sight of your limits. And it's ok to say no. I also think that although being the bigger person sucks- not adding more drama to the chaos is a good example for the kids. Just my take...

glad you found a great place for you and the kids!!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on May 15, 2022, 07:52:31 PM
Thx SS and KellBell for your support.

Journal Update

Well, I started my job and it feels so good to be back to work.   After one week,  I think it's going to be a good fit, and I already see where I can help the new team that I just joined.   Also great to be busy during the day so I have other things to focus on in my life.  :D

I also would share that my XW is still having health issues but seems to getting treatment after multiple doctor visits.   She seems to want to share updates on her health situation though calls and texts.  I continue to listen and be sympathetic while still keeping my distance.  Need to guard my heart as I was her caretaker and she clearly hasn't totally severed the co-dependent care taking need from our relationship.

I honestly have no idea what is going through her head right now but it must be challenging for her to face her current health issues.   All I know is that I don't ever want to be a plan B or fall back plan just because life became difficult.

I continue to focus on my healing and am open to all possibilities in my life moving forward.   

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: FaithWalker on May 27, 2022, 05:37:37 PM
HF, I hope the job is continuing to be a great fit!

Hopefully the treatment is continuing to help your xW with her health issues.  It does seem to me that she still hasn't fully accepted the consequences of her choices and you have a lot of grace for her.  That says a lot about you.  I'm glad that you can see that you need to guard your heart and that you aren't plan B material. 

I saw a meme recently that said "don't ever let anyone treat you like free salsa, you're guacamole baby.  You. Are. Guacamole." and it made me laugh.

Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on June 07, 2022, 08:02:47 PM
I saw a meme recently that said "don't ever let anyone treat you like free salsa, you're guacamole baby.  You. Are. Guacamole." and it made me laugh.

Hi FW,

This made me laugh and I have already used this in a conversation that I had with someone.  Ha! 

Quick Journal:  I am extremely busy with the new job and I'm getting ready to move.  Will have an update as there is a lot a going with my XW.  I am doing well staying detached why still doing the right thing for my kids.   Will share more details when I have time and energy. 

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: JohnnyBravo on June 07, 2022, 08:16:17 PM
Glad to see you check in, HF, and it certainly sounds like you have a lot going on... Hang in there!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on June 07, 2022, 08:59:01 PM
Thanks JB.  Hope you hang in there too.  It’s been 5 months since decree was finalized for me and there are days I still can’t believe it.  It is getting easier with each day. 

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: FaithWalker on June 10, 2022, 04:01:15 PM
Good to hear from you HF.  I hope the move is going well.
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on June 21, 2022, 11:45:51 AM
Hello,

I am so glad to hear about the job and the progress you are making. You have really made a lot of progress in the almost two years since bomb drop. In that time period, you have dealt with your w's mlc, a divorce, moving, and finding a new job. Yet, you have handled all with such positive energy and a focus on what is best for your children. So I raise a toast to you! "Happy Father's Day!"

Quote
I also would share that my XW is still having health issues but seems to getting treatment after multiple doctor visits.   She seems to want to share updates on her health situation though calls and texts.  I continue to listen and be sympathetic while still keeping my distance.

There is a lot at play here. I have been on the forum for many years and find it fascinating that some MLCers maintain a connection or aspect of the marriage even after the divorce and for some even after marrying the alienator. It varies in context. Some maintain the need to discuss a variety of issues and others even complain about the new spouse to the old spouse. Like really?

I think it is best you keep your distance. She fired you as a husband. I mean it is if my old job called me up and asked me for my opinion on a decision. I would be polite, but no, I don't work for you anymore. I also agree that you can sympathize with her, but not empathize with her. Sympathy is caring about another person's problems and feelings; empathy is deeply understanding her thoughts and feelings as you did in the past.

In many ways, your sympathetic response is setting a solid boundary for your mental health and wellbeing.

Have a great day,

((((Ready))))

Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on June 26, 2022, 02:48:28 PM
Thanks FW and Ready for you continued support.   Time to journal as there has been a lot of good things going on in my life as well as some movement with XW.

First, I have settled into my home and am absolutely am loving it.  My girls are enjoying the home too and have already had friends over in the first week.  The previous place wasn't ideal but it was best I could do to keep my girls in their desired schools.  My new job is also going well, and I'm about ready to start a new project.   It's exciting to be starting new work as I can feel all the change this year has been positive.

In the past week, I have finally felt peace that I haven't felt for years.   No drama has been wonderful and my kids seem to be thriving right now.  It's enough for me right now and I am grateful for the recent changes in my life.

As for my XW, there definitely has been some movement.   Since she has been sick over the past couple of months,  it has seemed to change her somewhat.   She hasn't Monstered with me at all and in fact has been very pleasant.   We have been co-parenting well together and she seems more invested in the kids now which is so different from BD when she seemed to care less about the kids.   Not sure if this will continue as she starts to feel better but for now I will take the peace that has come with this change.

As it is almost 2 years since BD, it seems to align with the timing potentially when a MLCer can start to exit replay.   At this point, I am not obsessing over her changes.   It's just important to note that Monster has gone away,  we are starting to reconnect at least as co-parents, and she has been contacting me more in the past 2 months.   She even took the kids to get me a thoughtful Father's day gift.   I haven't received anything thoughtful in the past 3-4 years so it was a nice change.

I also have been going back to review both RCR's and Hearts Blessing articles with the recent movement.   Not sure what will happen but I want to be prepared if XW continues her movement.   I am open to all options in my life and remain detached.  Letting her contact me and I will mirror her behavior for the time being.

I also am taking care of our dog this week who lives with XW.   With my new job's travel, having a dog permanently will not work  in my life.  It has been nice to have our dog back at my place.  I am planning to take her for a walk tonight as the temperatures are finally going to cool down here.

Will keep everyone updated on my progress.   I have moving forward and am grateful for the insights from all of you on this forum.

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: MadLuv on June 26, 2022, 06:01:42 PM
Interesting update…will continue to follow to see if she continues some positive movement forward. So smart to read up all you can to prepare!!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Curiosity on June 26, 2022, 06:08:05 PM
HF, your story is truly an inspiration. Whatever cycling she has done, you have conducted yourself with integrity and dignity at every step along the way. You have provided a stable foundation for your kids even as you were rebuilding one for yourself, and I am so happy to see you at a place of peace and happiness and security in your life. I’m not sure what is happening with your xW, and I do hope for the sake of the kids, your coparenting, and just for her own sake that she is making progress toward healing. I hope that’s happening for her, but I know that healing and growth have happened for you… or more accurately, you have made those things happen.
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Standing Strong on June 26, 2022, 10:35:58 PM
Hey HF,

You sound really good. How nice that even with everything that has happened you are still showing love, caring and patience.  :D

I hope she is making progress, that getting better will absolutely reveal if she stays in improvement or regresses.
Your kids are so lucky to have you, look at all you've done for them. Awesome.

-SS
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on June 27, 2022, 05:06:32 PM
Thank you ML, Curiosity, and SS,

It's interesting that since the D, all the power that she had over me is gone.   I truly have accepted that it's her crises and she needs to find her way.   Have no idea what she will do, but I do know any growth will be slow and it will take time.   Will live my life for me and my kids with two things when  I interact with her.

1.  Do our interactions help our kids? 
2.  Do our interactions hurt me?

If the answer to 1 is "yes" and the answer to 2 "no", then I will be ok.   I unblocked her from instagram but still don't follow her.   For now, her posts have only included our kids or  XW's girlfriends that i know.  Opening a door if she chooses to walk through.   At the same time, I will block her again to protect me if things change.

Time to take the little dog for a walk.   Have a great evening everyone!

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: FaithWalker on July 05, 2022, 10:52:25 PM
Good to read an update HF.  The new house sounds wonderful.  I smiled big reading about that.  Enjoy the little doggie while he/she is with you.

You just keep doing what you're doing.  I like this gauge:
1.  Do our interactions help our kids? 
2.  Do our interactions hurt me?
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: PJ Ames on July 20, 2022, 10:55:29 AM
Great update HF.

Quote
I am open to all options in my life and remain detached.
This sounds really healthy. I like the way you're thinking.
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: MadLuv on July 20, 2022, 11:31:19 AM
When you get to that place of just acceptance that alone is start of some peace of mind. It doesn’t resolve everything, but it is a good place to be vs. a mind jumbled mess!!  You have a great attitude to mive forward and what’s meant to be is meant to be…
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Dragonfly33 on July 20, 2022, 01:33:35 PM
Looks like you are in a good state now HF. I hope our D will also loosen all the power he has on me. I believe it does somehow help one to accept that the marriage is over although it is just a piece of paper. I hope it does the same thing to me. I think that would be my last hurdle, facing the fear of life after D. I also blocked my H in instagram as he is now publicly posting the OW and the all happy life he is living now. I don't think it helps me at all watching it and I am happy I was able to control myself not to see it anymore.
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on July 20, 2022, 04:43:19 PM
Thank you FW, ML, PJ, and DF for your kind words.  I really appreciate your continued support and perfect time to journal as I am recovering from COVID.

The initial first day with COVID was awful but I have slowing gotten better each day.  I now only have a cold and a slight cough.   Feeling much more like myself.

As for me, I had a great time with D14 and D12 this past week.  We went away for D12's competition and it was so special.   Although we stayed a very busy hotel with convention center, it was worth the time spent with them.

As for my XW, there continues to be slow gravitation as we reconnect as "parents".   I met with her before her trip to talk about our kids and she invited me to talk with her in her home.  :o   We actually had a good parent conversation and she provided really good advice with planning for D12's activities and with my relationship with D14.  It was the first time that I can remember having a truly valuable and healthy conversation that wasn't transactional or surface level.

Now, I am not getting any expectations at this point and keeping the Monkey out of my brain for now.  Still may need at 2X4 if parent reconnection continues. 

What's interesting is that we have had a couple of things happen in the last month that really blessed our kids and we got to celebrate both  in our current broken family.  It has been strange but nice to have joy and peace for our girls.   For now, this is enough for me.

I would say that I have accepted that my XW ended our marriage.   I still have not ended my vows to my XW.   Of course, that may change as my red line is crossed if she goes public with a relationship which she has not yet done. 

Feel I'm at a tipping point over the next year.   Content with moving forward tomorrow if she goes public with OM or open to letting her reconnect with me in some form or fashion at least as parents.

For newbies, my XW initially neglected our kids and was not the mother that she used to be.   Over the past year, she has reconnected with the kids and seems truly dedicated to them once again.   Hope the same for you and your family as your MLCer hopefully works through their crisis.

Have a great week everyone!

HF

Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Standing Strong on July 20, 2022, 10:28:08 PM
Hey HF  :D

She's making some progress, that's really nice.
Sounds like she is not stressed, that's so good..... and you've let go...... I wonder if that's part of it too.
Maybe now she will mature in the areas needing that, I wonder what you still see when that happens. So good to hear she is becoming a good parent again...... I think that means she will begin to see you for you again at some point. Isn't it weird how we are not people for a while?  ;)

-SS
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: MadLuv on July 20, 2022, 10:37:41 PM
HF- thank you for updating on the reconnecting with kids. It is what I pray for my kids to have. That gives dome more hope !
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: MomOfSteel on July 20, 2022, 10:50:39 PM
Great update, sorry about the covid though.  I hope you continue to recover.  I too hope that divorce can help cut the ties and allow more detachment.  You seem like you are in a great place.  I hope that she is emerging from the fog.  I am following along. 
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on August 07, 2022, 02:09:12 PM
Thanks SS, ML, and LB for the support.

Well, COVID is the past although it did take about 3 weeks for me to feel good again.   I waited about 10 days after my symptoms stopped before I started working out as I didn't want to push my heart with possible myocarditis.   I now am back to my baseline exercise and sleep and need to focus on my diet again. (Not as disciplined as SS in the diet area)   Need to take off about 20 pounds which I call the MLC 20.

With family life, things have really settled in place as my kids are getting ready to start school and start up their extracurricular activities.  Both kids are doing really well right now and my only stress is the normal parent - teenager relationship with my D14.   I think the past couple of years really impacted my ability to set boundaries about respect so I am having to backtrack and fix some the challenges looking at both me and my daughter's behaviors.   It will take some time but I feel like I am on the right path as a parent.   

I also absolutely love my new home  and got my home office situated.   My new job is going well and i'm getting ready to do some travel worktrips this fall which should be fun.

My XW seems to be still overwhelmed with life and yet she is doing great as a Mom right now.   We continue to work well as co-parents and are starting to face challenges together to help our kids.    :D   As for whether or not there is an OM in her life, I have no idea to be honest.   I think there may be one but it is still hidden from me and everyone that I know.   As I continue to heal, she may eventually feel comfortable coming out publicly with the relationship.  If that happens, then my stand will be done.  I will be ok no matter what happens in the future.

Lastly, I am at a point where I am not ready to even consider dating.   I am focused on my own healing, developing close relationships with some male friends, and putting my kids a my main priority right now.    As my kids get older, I will have more time (and money) to explore another relationship.   Not going to push things but will see how things evolve over time.   I do spend time thinking about what I want from the next relationship and where I still need to grow.   I want to emerge from this MLC stronger and ready for a healthy relationship.

Enough journaling for now.   Will continue to write as life happens.   Hope everyone has a great week!

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on August 10, 2022, 09:16:38 PM
Minor journal today

As I have dealt with all the craziness over the past two years, I wanted to share that my XW actually went out of her way to help one of children setting up an appointment for me to take her on a tour of the new school after we missed the normal school tour due to a conflict.  Kind of nice to have her helping for a change. 

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: MomOfSteel on August 10, 2022, 09:41:19 PM
HF, I hope things continue to go well and I'm glad you are recovered.  I relate to focusing on the kids now and healing.  To me it seems like the best way to hopefully avoid an unhealthy relationship. 
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: MadLuv on August 10, 2022, 10:03:48 PM
It has to start somewhere….hoping for more good things to come  :)
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on September 12, 2022, 09:39:42 PM
Wow how time flies.  I remember posting every couple of days and life has surely changed for me since I joined the forum back in late October in 2020.

Overall, not much has changed in the past couple of months.   Still relative peace in my life as things are going really well with my two D's.   School and sports are really busy and life has been really fun.   My job is also going well and I have had some fun work trips to California and Colorado over the past couple of months.   I don't have much time for anything else during my week's with the kids so the work trips have been fun with some good times with my new coworkers.

As for my XW, she still seems to be in the replay but is at least more pleasant.   We are working well together as co-parents and I have to say this provided peace for me.   We even celebrated one of our D's birthdays together as a family and I was invited over by my XW.   It felt a little strange but I have to say it was nice to share gifts and celebrate as a family.   

No expectations at this point and I still don't initiate any non-children communication at all.   My boundaries are in place to protect me for now, and I have hope for another relationship down the road when I am fully healed.   The joy I have with my kids, work, and some close friends is enough for now.  I have also really learned to enjoy my time by myself something I didn't have much prior to BD.    Don't feel the need to rush into a relationship of any kind at this point.

For those still in the first year since BD, time is your friend and it will get easier.  I am no longer defined by what happened to me and my family at BD.  I am not looking back but only towards the future whatever that will be :)

Have a great week everyone!

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 13, 2022, 12:00:05 AM
Nice to hear HF. Healing takes... yep... time but you seem to be well on your way. It took me a lot longer to be able to play "happy family" for the sake of the kids and I still do not do a very good job of it....
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on September 13, 2022, 07:28:12 AM
Hi UM,

Yes, it's not always easy to play happy family.   I definitely can't fake it.   In my situation, it appears my XW has compartmentalized her life.   Nothing public about other relationships nor have I heard anything from others.    She also has been putting effort with rebuilding her relationship with our kids.   These things have made it easier for me to move forward and heal.   I always ask two questions for myself when I interact with my XW.

1.   Is the interaction the best thing for my kids? 
2.   Does the interaction hurt me? 

If 1 is a Yes and 2 is as No, then I do it.   The other thing that helps me to move forward is that I am clearly in the stronger position at this point and my XW has no Power over me.    You can see that she is struggling as she escapes during her MLC.    I think she is currently away for a couple of days on another fake work trip.   :o   She is texting with the kids a bit but only sent me the original message letting me know when she is leaving.   I responded with "Ok" and have no desire to text anything more.   I let her do all the communication and am at a point of indifference when interacting.

Sad for what happened to my family but still excited for the future.   

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: xyzcf on September 13, 2022, 11:14:54 AM
Quote
Yes, it's not always easy to play happy family.

This, as are the other dilemmas we face is a personal choice. I don't call it "playing happy family". After much soul searching and therapy, I determined that for my daughter's ability to have some kind of family life, we would celebrate certain holidays with her. She is an adult but she still suffers from the destruction of what was once a stable family.

She and I have discussed this and it is easier for her to do things this way rather than split her time between two parents.

Is it hard for me? Yes it is. But I also wanted to be healed enough that his presence would not shake me anymore. That is detachment I guess.

I also think it shows unconditional love for him which again is important to me and my values. I do not blame him for his crisis, that was beyond his control so I look at what happened slightly differently than some on HS.

I would not wish MLC on my worse enemy.

My daughter is aware that this is difficult but each one of us tries to make these times together special.

My son-in-law who never knew Mr xyzcf before his crisis stated this summer when they were here visiting "mom, I don't understand this at all. You cook together, clean up, joke and tease one another, I just don't get it". Welcome to the club.
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: Reinventing on September 14, 2022, 12:15:37 AM
Great guidelines to live by:

Quote
I always ask two questions for myself when I interact with my XW.

1.   Is the interaction the best thing for my kids?
2.   Does the interaction hurt me?

That is why you sound so healthy and strong; you put your own oxygen mask on first. This is great for both you and your children. Being a stable, strong parent is the best gift you can give them.

It also means that if reconciliation was to happen in the future, it would start at a much better place because you are at a healthier point.

From xyzcf:
Quote
I do not blame him for his crisis, that was beyond his control so I look at what happened slightly differently than some on HS.

I think that most people here would agree with this. That's why folks on this site frequently say, "you didn't break it so you can't fix it". Or, "It would have happened no matter who the MLCer married".

I would go further and say that even though we see what happens as destructive and negative, the MLCer has every right to live a different life than the one they had before MLC. We do need to distance and protect ourselves from  gaslighting, lies, financial devastation and other behaviors. And we have to create a new life, whether reconciled or not. Our lives are irrevocably changed, which took me a long time to accept.

I see our responsibility is to heal as best we can and live our lives as healthy, healed, and stable as we can. If we learn one thing in all of this, it is that we can only control ourselves.

Our lives are precious and the only one we have (unless one comes from the reincarnation perspective and possible other perspectives of which I'm not aware).
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on September 17, 2022, 07:23:40 AM
That is why you sound so healthy and strong; you put your own oxygen mask on first. This is great for both you and your children. Being a stable, strong parent is the best gift you can give them.

It also means that if reconciliation was to happen in the future, it would start at a much better place because you are at a healthier point.

Thank you Reinventing!   Totally agree about being at a healthier point in whatever relationship I develop with someone in the future.  It's odd but my XW still hasn't completely let me go yet.   With each passing day, I tend to detach more and more.   For now, I am just living one day at time and will see what the future holds in my life.

Quote
Yes, it's not always easy to play happy family.

This, as are the other dilemmas we face is a personal choice. I don't call it "playing happy family". After much soul searching and therapy, I determined that for my daughter's ability to have some kind of family life, we would celebrate certain holidays with her. She is an adult but she still suffers from the destruction of what was once a stable family.

She and I have discussed this and it is easier for her to do things this way rather than split her time between two parents.

Is it hard for me? Yes it is. But I also wanted to be healed enough that his presence would not shake me anymore. That is detachment I guess.

Yes xyzcf,

I am at least going to try to build some sort of family life.  If another person enters the picture, I don't think I can celebrate with another person in the room.   Would need to have clear boundaries to protect me except for significant events such as graduation, weddings, etc.

And yes most of friends and family still don't get what has happened to my XW.   I have stopped discussing as it's tough to understand unless you have been through this.   This is where the HS forum has been such a blessing.

Focusing my kids and most of all my relationship with God.  I have found peace in the past couple of months which has been wonderful.

HF

Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: xyzcf on September 17, 2022, 09:47:09 AM
Quote
If another person enters the picture, I don't think I can celebrate with another person in the room.   Would need to have clear boundaries to protect me except for significant events such as graduation, weddings, etc.

This is my boundary as well. If I were to be in a relationship with another man, I would not continue to see Mr xyzcf for family things. That is when I would cut all ties with him.

I suspect but have no "proof" of other women in his life but he has kept her hidden or however many there have been hidden for over 13 years...and has never introduced anyone to my daughter so whoever she is, I know I wouldn't want that if I were in a relationship with someone.

Quote
Focusing my kids and most of all my relationship with God.  I have found peace in the past couple of months which has been wonderful.

That peace is a wonderful feeling. I do still question why we have to go through this trial and am always trying to tursy God and surrender it all to him.

Nice update HF.
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: FaithWalker on October 10, 2022, 08:39:26 PM
Great updates HF.  Where at in CO was your work trip?
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on October 15, 2022, 11:49:40 AM
This is my boundary as well. If I were to be in a relationship with another man, I would not continue to see Mr xyzcf for family things. That is when I would cut all ties with him.

I suspect but have no "proof" of other women in his life but he has kept her hidden or however many there have been hidden for over 13 years...and has never introduced anyone to my daughter so whoever she is, I know I wouldn't want that if I were in a relationship with someone.

Thanks Xyzcf,

It amazes me that it's been 2 years since BD and my XW still has kept things hidden.  I can't imagine how it would feel to live a compartmentalized life. 

Great updates HF.  Where at in CO was your work trip?

HI FW,   

Doing work in Boulder which is such a lovely town to visit.  I have been enjoying my trips flying to Denver and spending time a short drive away in Boulder.

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: FaithWalker on October 15, 2022, 03:06:01 PM
Very neat HF.  Yes, Boulder is nice.  I love Fort Collins too.  Glad you are enjoying our beautiful state.  I am about 4 hours away from Denver.

I was able to meet up with xyzcf and another lbser that doesn't post on here anymore a few years ago, not the halfway point but a little closer to me than Denver.  Just recently on my trip with my M we ate at the same little restaurant that the 3 of us ate at when we met up.  It was nice.
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on November 24, 2022, 05:57:42 AM
Hi FW,

Glad to hear that you are relatively close to the Denver area. I really have enjoyed my trips to there and hoping to get some skiing this winter.

Journaling

I really haven’t posted lately because there hasn’t been much to tell until the past week or so.  First, I am having the best trip with my girls for Thanksgiving.  We went to NYC for the week and saw the broadway show Hamilton.  It was amazing!  As I type this, we are waiting in the crowd to watch the Macy’s Thankgiving parade.  Crossing off a couple of bucket list items and it has been great to take a trip with my girls. 

As for my things with my XW, it has been mostly peaceful.  We had a really fun time celebrating my youngest daughter’s birthday in October and even had a dinner together with my daughters and 10 of the birthday girl’s friends. During dinner, I caught my XW wanting to say something and then she held back with a look of sadness. Not sure what it was, but I did see the human side of her for a moment.

I also got to see Monster come out for the first time in 6-8 months.  I dropped my daughters off for the week and my youngest came down with a fever.  I left for a work trip the next day and my XW had to take her to the doctor. She wanted me to pay for all of her medicine and complained that she had to miss work.  Asked when was the last time I took work off for the girls?   :o  I only take care of all dental and most medical appointments.  Funny thing about MLCers and responsibility,  I shut the conversation down and told her I wasn’t going to be ugly and could talk in person when I get back.  Monster eventually went away.  😎

Lastly, I have officially joined the ranks of a dog owner (part-time). My XW wanted to get a dog for my oldest D and I let her know I would only consider it later this summer. Well, the MLCer got the dog anyway.  Although I wasn’t happy with the disrespect getting the dog without my permission,  I had a week to think about it when I went away for the work.  For my D, it will be a good thing.  I was able to work it out and will make some adjustments to my budget.  The dog will live at each house and go with my daughter:  I can still travel for work without any problems on my off weeks.

Very thankful for the time I have spent with my girls this week.  For newbies, GAL and don’t look back all the time.  There is still so much joy post BD.

HF
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: MadLuv on November 24, 2022, 06:21:29 AM
Your trip sounds amazing and although not totally planned the new dog will bring a lot more love. Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy the parade!!
Title: Through the Looking Glass
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 24, 2022, 06:31:32 AM
Quote from: HeavenlyFocus
She wanted me to pay for all of her medicine and complained that she had to miss work.  Asked when was the last time I took work off for the girls?   :o  I only take care of all dental and most medical appointments.  Funny thing about MLCers and responsibility,  I shut the conversation down and told her I wasn’t going to be ugly and could talk in person when I get back.  Monster eventually went away.

MLC'ers and Responsibility go together like "Screen Door" and "Submarine."

I haven't gotten a monster but the occasional complaint... That is what being a single parent means...

And, the classic "I will take D11 to her Orthodontist appointments because I want to know what is going on..."

Who takes D11 to her Orthodontist appointments? It is NOT MLCxW...