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Our Community / WTH
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 05:16:47 AM »
You bought a lawn mower?

How COULD you do such an evil thing?

Sorry but THAT is a new one... Usually it is more like "You let the dog get fat" or "You didn't vacuum the floor right" or "You don't cook Bratwursts correctly" or some other nonsense.

Other than that, the fact that she is already seeing an IC would indicate (hopefully) more of a MLT (Transition) because usually a real Mid-Lifer in Crisis is ONLY about blaming the LBS for everything bad that happened to the MLC'er in their entire life.... even before they met the LBS....

Only time will tell what path she is on at this point....

Post often if you wish because there are enough people here that someone will have likely gone through something similar.

Our Community / WTH
« Latest by loo030 on Today at 04:25:43 AM »
My wife and I have been married for 21 years. In May she did the BD. She says there is no affair. I don't think there is but it would not surprise me if there is a emotional affair, I would be surprised if there is a physical affair but I am not ruling it out. It went from giving me a hug and kiss every morning and holding my hand at night when we fell asleep to no touching, and I have not loved you for years. I could sense something was wrong for a quite a few months befor the BD, and I asked here several times what is wrong but got no answer. Hew Dad passed away 2 years ago, and within 6 months her mom was dating someone and they just got remarried a couple weeks ago. Her sister got a divorce in April this year, There daughter ended up with a eating disorder because of it and had to be admitted. We became grandparents this past year, our daughter went off to college, and we have 2 kids in highschool. She has a high stress job that has been more stressful the past year. And she turns 50 in a couple months.
She is going to therapy and says it is to try to figure herself out and why she did some of the things in the past. She did have an affair 16 years ago and that has eaten her up inside I know. However she has rewritten our past by pointing our every thing I have ever did wrong. Like when we first got married I bought a lawn mower and that stressed her out. Some of the things she points out about our marriage is my fault and I have owned my mistakes. None of this is anything a normal marriage can't get through. I have not been a bad person or husband, made mistakes, but nothing so bad that we couldn't get past. I have been working on myself and focusing on me since BD and even before that because I could tell something was wrong. I have went to the just speak when spoken to mode. It is awkward and uncomfortable. We still sleep in the same bed but feel miles apart. She has softened a bit lately but I am worried that this is or new normal. Is she just buying time until the kids graduate? I don't know, but the thought of living like this for 4 years and then ending up not togther after that worries me alot.
Our Community / Re: Helping Me in this MLC 8
« Latest by Baxter1 on Today at 01:05:51 AM »
This detachment sounds like a great state of mind. I worry less and less about what W has going on and think more about my own thing. Sone of her words still sting, and it still bothers me that I was totally cut out if her life all those months ago. I’ve been told by others that you’ll just know You’re detached. The fact that I’m questioning it probably means thst I’m not quite there yet. I’m sure I’ll get there in my own time.
Our Community / Old Timer's Thread #6
« Latest by Curiosity on September 20, 2023, 11:42:09 PM »
Beautiful is truly an outstanding show - one of my very favorites. And I do think there’s a lot of Gerry’s story that seems like MLC. The description of it as “dis-ease” is very appropriate, I think. Initially the discussion here brought to mind another musical, Hamilton, and the lyric that “he will never be satisfied.” And although that lyric is true for Gerry as well, I do think they are very different scenarios. I do see a lot of what I think of as MLC in Gerry - underlying imposter syndrome, avoidance, shame… an unpredictable mix of feeling like they want or deserve more or better, while also feeling undeserving and insecure.
Our Community / Helping Me in this MLC 8
« Latest by Curiosity on September 20, 2023, 11:29:40 PM »
Thank you so much for these updates, Helping! There’s so much wisdom and insight here. The two things that stood out the most to me were your comments about how those words you thought you needed, they aren’t necessary anymore when her sustained actions have shown you what you really needed to know; and Acorn’s comments about detachment.

Detachment is such a gift, honestly, when you truly get there - and it isn’t limited just to your interactions with the MLCer. It just feels like a rock-solid sense of your own self-worth, like nobody will ever be able to throw you into that place of shock and loss again. I don’t want to speak for others because we each have our own histories and coping mechanisms, but for me there was a lot of roller coaster riding - not just the ups and downs of W’s crisis, but my own emotions. I pitied her and then I was angry at her, sometimes I even thought I hated her, and then I just wanted her to not be so sad and lost anymore. I wanted her back and then I wanted her completely gone from my life, I wanted the uncertainty to end. And along the way, I plateaued several times in a place that I thought was detachment, but I think my brain was just exhausted. And GAL was the same way… seeking friends and deep conversations, picking up hobbies everywhere I could, desperately trying to make myself more “interesting.” Finally I reached a point where calm set in - I could keep the hobbies that felt meaningful, but I didn’t always have to be doing something every moment. I could accept that there was uncertainty all around me, but still feel sure of my path in life and my value as a human being. I could love and trust… and yes, there’s a bit of caution about trusting anyone too quickly, but there’s also recognition that trust and deep connections enrich my life.

None of us ever wanted to have to learn these lessons, but throughout this community there are examples of people who have built wonderful, meaningful lives regardless of the outcomes of their MLCer’s crisis. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Our Community / Is he coming back???
« Latest by MadLuv on September 20, 2023, 06:53:18 PM »
I think I know what you are confused on and referring to and there is a old discussion on this. It was in the original HB six stages.  Here is the link to the discussion on this.
Our Community / Links/Blogs/Articles for us all to share 9
« Latest by Nas on September 20, 2023, 05:04:41 PM »
Sitting with some big emotions, I started thinking about the difference between analyzing feelings and feeling feelings. This is a longish but interesting article. I like the coin metaphor: pain is the flipside of what we value. 
(Avoiding feelings is something most MLCers could teach a PhD level course in.)

“Our initial emotional response is often a complex jumble of primary feelings (that reflect what’s actually happening), plus secondary emotions (often related to distorted interpretations), mixed together with all of our avoidance behaviors (our reactive struggle against all of the feelings). We have to develop the muscle and courage to stay with this uncomfortable welter of emotions in order to unpack what is important and meaningful…”

Our Community / Re: Is he coming back???
« Latest by Helpingme! on September 20, 2023, 04:58:58 PM »
I dont think we can push them out of the tunnel or anywhere else.

We cant threaten them out, give demands or ultimatums.  That wont yo very well.

Only thing we can do is move along and keep moving. If the MLCer gets their head out of the sand, they will see us moving along. They can either catch up or just fall away.

Actions and more actions will be  the real thing. It will be over long period of time also.
I dont believe in the overnight they change. Not mine anyway.

All you can do is go ahead with your life. Hard to do and manage in this crazy stuff.

Our Community / Re: living is an opportunity
« Latest by Baxter1 on September 20, 2023, 04:57:57 PM »
When I first started with IC I was told that I was going to pulled into her crisis. I didn’t know what he meant at the time but after a while I figured it out. She is changing and it is forcing us to change. After an event like this you have no choice to change. I(you, everyone here) has been changed through the MLC, I would rather not have this be the source of my change but no one asked us out opinion before we were thrown into the crisis.
Our Community / Is he coming back???
« Latest by Nas on September 20, 2023, 01:50:25 PM »
I have this question please advise,  I've read HB"s posts,  where she says that there will come a time when we need to push the MLCer to come out of the tunnel. I know it's too early to have relationship talks or marriage talks , I want to discuss with him and tell him that I do not feel fulfilled in this relationship like the way it is.
Please advise on how to start this conversation
When should I push again and remind him of the boundaries or rather ask him to prove himself
He will only say his actions are proof.
Looking forward to hearing your inputs

MLC is not about the marriage or the LBS, therefore there is nothing the LBS can or should be doing to move the MLCer along. But you should always feel empowered to remind him of your boundaries, no matter where you believe him to be emotionally. Boundaries are for you and you have to decide what they are, what you are OK with. And if you’re not OK with something, if something is negatively impacting your life or your physical or emotional well-being, that is much more important than where he might be in some metaphorical tunnel that has nothing to do with you or your marriage.

If you do not feel fulfilled in this relationship the way it is, you get to decide what you want to do, how you want to live in a way that is fulfilling to you. With the understanding that that is your responsibility, and that would be your sole responsibility even in a healthy marriage. He’s not responsible for your happiness just like you’re not responsible for his, just like you were not responsible for his unhappiness when he needed to leave. It would be really nice if he came to a place where he had done the work on himself and was ready to recommit to your relationship in a very clear way with no ambiguity, but right now that does not seem to be the case, unfortunately. The only thing you can do is decide what you want for yourself and what you’re willing to accept or not accept from him. I really want to discourage you from holding too tightly to the idea of “the tunnel” and the idea of MLC as a linear path with clear stages, patterns and signposts. Those writings can be a real comfort in the early days, but spending time trying to fit the MLCer into such neatly constructed “stages” is fruitless and ultimately can create more anxiety or pain for the LBS.

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