Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4735
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
My Story •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#140: October 11, 2022, 12:57:28 PM
Hello,

I have some mixed feelings on your post. In many of the threads, there is hate and the MLCer could care less about the LBSer and children. They will bankrupt the family, intentionally try to cheat the LBSer of funds, and emotionally abuse the LBSer and the children, especially if they don't go with the "Plans" of the MLCer.

In my situation, my ex cheated on me, lied, and she used me. She blew up our family to pursue her "soul" mate. If she had any character, she could have told me  that we were done and treated me with respect as we went through the divorce. When we were completely finished, then she could go look for her soul mate. While we are not enemies and hold no hate towards each other, she is not an old friend. Not everyone is in the same situation or has received equally treatment. I was lucky my children were older and more independent so the impact was different. I couldn't imagine going through MLC with young children and I having nothing but respect for any single parent with young children. By the way, my MLCer's treatment of our children is another reason why we are not friends.

However, just like you, I rarely give her a thought and have moved far on down the road.

Quote
I'm having way too much fun to look back for more than a moment.

I completely agree with this. The past eight years have been amazing. I look forward to all my weekends. This past weekend, we went to Julian, CA. Spent two nights in an Historic Hotel, visited an old gold mine, toured a wolf rescue center, ate fantastic food, and left with a Julian Apple pie. Just a fantastic weekend filled with fun and just enjoying each other's company. Yes, we appreciate each other and that means everything. It makes life so enjoyable even if I work hard. The mind games are gone and living in a home walking on eggshells is just not healthy.

Continue to enjoy your life and wish KA a happy birthday for me!

(((Ready)))
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 278
  • Gender: Female
•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#141: October 12, 2022, 08:51:44 AM
It gives me hope to see those of you who have moved on to new relationships finding something healthy and fulfilling.  I think that reading the outcomes, whether it is moving on and finding happiness or spouses returning is really helpful to me. 
  • Logged

STP

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#142: October 13, 2022, 09:26:06 AM
Happy to hear from you Ready and pleased to hear life's grand!

MoS,
Thanks for responding and Im pleased to bring you hope that brightness will prevail. I browsed your first and latest threads and you are getting great advice! MLC is a journey and time (and forgetfulness) are the greatest healers. It certainly is a lot harder with younger kids. Some of my biggest 'mistakes' were making my spouse my everything and my emotional state hinged on her actions. I recall saying often "If we can do everything together, we should." Looking back I realize how wrong that is, as it neutralized our own uniquenesses to be similar. When you stop doing things you enjoy.... to assimilate more with your mate, you are committing a suicide of your self. Another big thing, is to be in control of your emotions by detaching and trying to not have the actions of others effect you... unless you let it. Avoid the hurt. It's okay to 'not care' about everything.

My coworker is often reading me the news and tells me of horrific accidents. I don't really care. I won't care. I'm too busy over here leading my own happy life. I simply don't have enough energy to spread to those that don't matter to my daily life. A form of self preservation I suppose. This is my stance with the MLCer. Don't focus on what they have or took from you but on what you have NOW. I'm happy every day, alone or with people and very much in the moment. I'm in a very good place 6 yrs post D.

Thanks for following along.  :)

  • Logged
« Last Edit: October 13, 2022, 09:39:52 AM by STP »
M56 XW54
S30, S27, S23, S20
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

STP

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#143: October 24, 2022, 05:27:08 AM
Birthday weekend journalling

Friday was KAs 50th birthday and her mom treated us and her D9 to Texas Roadhouse. The girl is a spoiled brat grounded from electronics but KA caves all the time and backs down on her punishment. The mom and I shake our heads and try to not have her be that way. K and D9 left the restaurant with the girl in tears at one point. I try my best to keep out of it. It weighs heavily on KAs psyche.

Saturday I went to the airport to pick up S23 and his gf flying back from ME.  During the last week he and his brothers: S30, S27 and S20 and my XW and OM were all on a family vacation in a rental home out east. I saw the kids snapchat stories on things they did. I did not see XW in any of the footage. I guess there were arguments daily on where to to go seeing at they had but two cars for 9 people and everyone had different ideas. I tried to not think about it much on how it woulda been if I was there and the family had not been broken by her. Old news... I did wonder if I was thought of on the trip. Two of the kids sent me pics while on their vacation so the answer is yes. I'd like to think think the see the OM as a bit of an outsider still.

Sunday was my 56th birthday. It was nice to have 1/3 of my Facebook friends wish me happy birthday. I do wonder why the others don't? Just liking someone elses birthday wish to me doesn't really cut it DC. Some birthdays come in like a lion and some like a lamb. 56 crept in silently, sheepishly away from the wolf of aging. I went for a 2 mile run; something I hadn't done in 5 months and really didn't see myself ever doing again. Lately I've had no leg aches and the days 77° wind called me out. I had no other plans with anyone so I helped a friend carry out his belongings into a moving truck. I know how it is to move and how desired help is and I wanted to fill his need. S20 texted me to come over to show me concert videos he filmed of a show I missed with him. I was delighted and surprised to see S23 and S30 come over and spend the night with me bringing cake and presents. Especially S30 who I don't see very often. It was wonderful to have the family time.

I was surprised and a bit hurt to see a photo of two very good friends of mine for 35+ years with my rebound gf GW and her bf. Six years ago while dating GW for the two months we were together, I took her to my friends party.
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7844.msg515313#msg515313
We were there four hours and the women friended each other on Facebook. A few weeks after that GW dumped me harshly and I was wrecked. She blocked me and all that and started dating a coworker of hers. We haven't spoken since, but my friends stayed Facebook friends withe her (They NEVER unfriend anyone) To me that is hurtful and bizarre. WTF would you stay connected to someone I was dating after she broke it off with me? Well anyway the four of them got together over the weekend for the first time to go to some jeep event. I guess I can see it in two ways:
1) Their relationship isn't dependant on the one I had with GW. GW mighta devastated me, but my friends weren't hurt by her so alls good to them.
2) Out of loyalty to me and the hurt GW caused me they shoulda dropped her, knowing her 4 hrs and me 35+ years with little chance of ever meeting again... or so I thought.

The greatest wealth of life is your time and the people you spend it with. Enjoy each day in some way. ❤️
  • Logged
M56 XW54
S30, S27, S23, S20
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

STP

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#144: October 27, 2022, 10:05:24 AM
BF messaged me
Quote
I just woke up from a stupid dream. It was awful and about “them”.  I never got answers and he still has not seen or communicated with his kids. Is it bad I just want them to be miserable? NO ONE will EVER make her happy. No matter what he buys or pays for her. He’s a narcissistic personality. They have no sense of self, they project the ones they are surrounded by.

I agreed with her on several things and am very far removed from the past. I'd just like the XW & OM relationship to fail and can dream of that happening once S20 moves out. I have no interest in going back.

Tonight I am going to an axe throwing place in town invited by a woman friend. I'm not sure who will all be there but it's local so not much of an effort... other than throwing axes.  :D KA will be over tomorrow and Saturday is my Halloween party, which she has indicated she will not sleep over as it may go late. I do not expect MM to attend but have 30 friends coming including buddy JS.
  • Logged
M56 XW54
S30, S27, S23, S20
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

STP

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#145: October 31, 2022, 11:03:20 AM
Journalling

Forgot to mention XW did text me Happy Birthday last weekend. Guess I'm still worthy of that.  :D

My Halloween party was fantastically fun and I had almost 45 people come and stay past 2 am. The weather was decent enough for some to sit out around the bonfire for awhile. I was the Hulk and KA wore her colorful unicorn onesie. MM had texted me her old man bf had a heart attack and had stints put in, so she'd be away dealing with that. Whatever, as I hadn't officially invited her anyway. Despite DC texting "she really needed a party to go to this year", she just went to a bar with her bf and bestie-quite lame. If they don't come to my Christmas party they will be removed from my party group. Buddy JS won the original costume prize wearing a Squid Game masked guard outfit. I won best but as host it went to whomever was next. Funniest got the most votes as a royal flush, toilet seat playing card crown wearer. KA asked me about a woman DL who hadn't been to a party of mine since 9/21 who kissed me on the cheek.
Quote
KA wondered about new busty woman who seemed to be laying her head on me in a selfie.
I  didn't really have an answer why she did. I had just sat next to DL a couple days earlier at the axe throwing event. KA left a bit after midnight as we had discussed to prevent frustration. When the music ended at 2 am there were still 5 people. The final two women left and tired, drunk and dehydrated me finally got to sleep but slept terribly. Tired, Sunday was a cleaning day before S20 came over to watch Halloween Ends. He and S27 had come to my party.



I'm looking forward to laying low awhile with just a weekend at KAs and a hilly 4-mile hike planned this upcoming Sunday for under 30 singles. Happy Halloween!

  • Logged
« Last Edit: October 31, 2022, 11:18:48 AM by STP »
M56 XW54
S30, S27, S23, S20
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 8191
  • Gender: Female
Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#146: October 31, 2022, 11:50:21 AM
Happy Halloween! That room kicks ass!
  • Logged

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1232
  • Gender: Female
•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#147: November 01, 2022, 10:29:22 AM
How fun is that? When in office we decorated and dressed up to the extreme. I miss that. Sounds like you had a great party!! And happy belated bday
  • Logged
Her prize is a man who ran out on his wife and children. His is a woman who is too stupid to understand that she is not special, she is simply there.

STP

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#148: November 07, 2022, 07:35:26 PM
Thanks for the comments R2T and MadLuv

I'm posting on a Monday night in a place of pain and suffering having hurt my gf KA, who I care deeply about and love. In my last post, I described the fun Halloween party I had in my home and how KA left before it was over, as she had to teach Sunday school and we agreed it could go on later as I put so much effort into decorating. One of the few remaining guests near the end was her closest thing to a new bestie KM whom we've known almost 3 years. KM, very intoxicated cornered me in the kitchen and out of sight of all others kissed me. Something I would not want KA to know about and hoped to just put it behind us as a memory and move forward. Well tonight KM texted KA she was ashamed and sorry for her, wrong doing and apologized profusely for kissing me. KA came at me angry texting, wanting to know details and she is very upset feeling betrayed by us both. Crying, angry and hurting, wanting to know why I didn't tell her. (I hoped to get past it and not have any damaged relationships-the last friend who kissed me (RH) which I waited awhile to divulge to KA was unfriended and shunned.)
I'm upset with KM for creating such havoc, and I don't think the woman realizes she will be discarded by us both. KA has unfriended her and texted me she will not come over for our usual Tuesday date night. She does not have her D10 tonight or tomorrow so I can imagine the anguish she is going through alone. I agreed and understand why she feels the way she does and apologized for not revealing the kiss to her. I feel devastated to hurt her so much. Our relationship has had very few trials to test our continuing strength. sigh. I really hope things progress positively.

In unrelated news I am on a 30 day lock out from Facebook for trying to post an inappropriate image in my fantasy art group. Can't post, like or comment. I led a fun hike yesterday and luncheon but can't post about it and atm I am just sulking and giving KA her space. Night.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: November 07, 2022, 07:42:02 PM by STP »
M56 XW54
S30, S27, S23, S20
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11852
  • Gender: Female
•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#149: November 07, 2022, 11:35:01 PM
I’m not sure you are being honest with yourself, STP. And so therefore not with KA either.

I think you have, at best, pretty sloppy boundaries with women and a noticeable need for attention. Just on this thread alone, there are initials with various degrees of ‘shared wine and kisses’. IIRC from older threads, there are initials with sofa snuggling, sexy pics and if only attractions. Sometimes tbh it sounds almost high schoolish with a set of revolving characters.....

Now, you are a grown up man and it’s your right to live and party as you wish. But it isn’t the behaviour of a committed monagamous man who deeply loves and respects his partner. You are conning yourself, and KA, if you say it is.

You have often mentioned that KA is not a fan of the parties....quite possibly bc her gut tells her that you have sloppy boundaries with women and seem to know quite a lot of women with sloppy boundaries too. It seems unfair and dishonest to blame your lack of boundaries solely on KM imho and entirely predictable that something like this would blow up eventually. And your ‘hope to get past it’ and ‘progress positively’ by both of you blaming KM sounds as if it in reality means not getting busted and that KA will suck it up eventually as no big deal and not your fault....like a grown up version of ‘a big boy made me do it and ran away’. No sense in your post of holding yourself responsible for your own behaviour or changes you need to make, more that you don’t much like the consequences of being caught out and for many of us here who have had unfaithful partners, that’s a ton of rather familiar red flags.

Perhaps the more grown up and kind and respectful thing to do would be to be more honest with yourself about why your boundaries are sloppy, why there is any behaviour to be ‘caught out on’ and what KA really means to you.

I have always thought that you say very little about her as a person in her own right that you love as opposed to just one of the many players in your life. It’s as if she shows up in your life but you don’t seem to engage in her’s much if that makes sense. Is that what love is to you, STP? What do you think you honestly have to offer KA compared to what she wants? And if there are things she does not know, how honest a choice can she really make about what being in a relationship with you really means she is buying into?

I don’t think you’re a bad guy or trying to hurt KA or anyone else. But I do think you are not being honest with yourself or KA. And we can hurt people a lot by doing that. A lot of us here....maybe you too in the past....got badly hurt by partners who did not treat us or our existing relationship with respect and honesty, didn’t we? If I were KA’s friend, i’m afraid that i’d be encouraging her to take a little space to look at what kind of partnership you can really offer based on the facts she knows with a very clear eye and whether that is acceptable for how she wants to live or not. As grown ups, after all, we know that you can care about someone and enjoy time with them but be ill-matched in terms of the kind of relationship you need and want and offer.....
  • Logged
« Last Edit: November 08, 2022, 12:03:20 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.