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Author Topic: My Story •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce

STP

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My Story •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#50: April 30, 2021, 06:23:06 AM
Journalling

First texting of 2021 with XW this week after she asked me to contribute $ to S25s Summer tuition which his student loans don't cover. I gave her 41% to not wipe out my savings. S25 dropped out of college long ago but now is back in school to be a wine maker. She then messaged me a photo of a jewelry piece Star Wars related she made. We talked about S19s school loan which each of us has a part in repaying and how he is happy installing fences and probably won't go back.

MM came over to watch the third Harry Potter film with me as we do on Thursdays. We talked music awhile and there aren't many woman out there who know who Andy Timmons is, much less went to college with him. She's an odd one-she kept her jacket on most of the time inside. We're sitting on my couch watching the movie and when she did take it off, she stood up removed it and then pulled her stretchy pants halfway down her butt, showing bare ass before pulling them back up and sitting back down. That boggled my mind. I know she is very comfortable being around me but...? The film ended at 10:30 and she said she needed to sleep it off? Sleep what off? The glass of wine? I said okay and she took the guest room with door open and I went to bed. I woke up at 2:30am and I peeked out my bedroom window to see her car still there. At 4:20am when I get up, she was gone. Whatever. I will see her at the beach cleanup hike Saturday (with the hiking group where we met 5 years ago) and shes signed up for my small group of 8 cyclists to bike ride Sunday night.

KA laid some guilt on me this week which I did not like and resisted the urge to engage, defend myself and fight back. She's not pleased the rescheduled hike from last week, I am doing this Sat interrupts 'our' time. She will go home and do yard work and come back over that night. Shes already complaining that we will only get 1 date night a month. Not entirely true but shes the one with a child at home which automatically rules out half my avail dates and I know shes not a fan of my parties which will start back up in June. I wouldn't be surprised if she says something tonight. I paid her $700 for my portion of our July Colorado vacation this week.

I get my second vaccination shot on Thursday and see the CUBS play on FRI with S21. Activites are starting back uo.

KA did message me this morning:
Quote
Not sure I'll be good company tonight.  Slept horribly.  Just in a funk.  Anxiety about losing my job.  Feel like we're losing our connection.  Anxiety about D8 and covid. I'm trying just so much right now.
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« Last Edit: April 30, 2021, 07:55:32 AM by STP »
M56 XW55
S30, S27, S23, S21
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

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STP

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•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#51: May 11, 2021, 12:11:26 PM
Journalling

KA did lose her job today as her company is farming out work.  :(  Fortunately she's employed until end of April 2022 and has a second interview at her company for a different position for more $ tomorrow. It would really put a damper on our relationship if she had to get a job outside her current company and more than likely she'd have to work in Chicago, get home late and see 33% less of me. sigh.

I did wish XW a happy mothers days and said she's a great mom. I went and visited my parents in IL as everyone vaccinated. I also messaged and visited two women from my HS class I hadn't seen in at least 37 years. They were part of the mass adding of old school associates on Facebook. Neither I really talked to back then but online now we often comment on each others posts so why not? The first one I met at the beach and we basically filled in the years since '84. She married and has three kids in the house. The second one had me over in the evening to show me her remodeling, pour me wine and discuss the last three decades and about our divorces and kids. I coulda made a move on her but that wouldn't have been appropriate! Took pics with both and did tell KA I met classmates.

MM had a paper for school and skipped our Harry Potter movie night. JW has been texting me. I had mentioned about her joining me for my Monday night bike ride=she never has free time. Women like that are annoying. Friday night when KA is over we are entertaining another couple of friends and Sunday I am going to a historic baseball game in the park with vintage 100 yr old uniforms. I'm pleased life is getting fuller with more opportunities for fun.

You don't get these days back. Live it up!
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S30, S27, S23, S21
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

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STP

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•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#52: May 24, 2021, 08:04:47 AM
Journalling

The weekend was splendid. KA opened her pool so I look forward to swimming there in two weeks. I photographed a classic car show and led ten others on a challenging 3 mile hike though the dunes. JS included. MM decided it was too hot and skipped on it.

Speaking of MM, she came over last week for watching the 5th Harry Potter film as we go through them all. She deemed it was too hot in my house and after asking to borrow shorts she decided to spend the evening over sans pants, as her panties were no different than a swim suit bottom right and her shirt was long enough to cover her bottom? MM is very much a matter of fact person. There were no flirty comments or suggestive sayings or such. I guess she is THAT comfortable around me to be in her underwear beside me on the couch. Maybe it was nervousness but i did rub her feet some with her legs across my lap-perhaps I felt like I had to break some tension. Again, just a matter of fact with no sexual connection and she thanked me. I've never really watched TV with a woman I wasn't touching in some casual way, whether XW or some gf.

Three weeks out from my first party after 16 months off I asked KA, JW and MM whom they look forward to seeing and indicated just one person or 'everybody'. JW did ask about her ex-bf (who is now with another woman) if I knew if he was coming. Previously she had indicated I would have to disallow him to come which I agreed to but nothing was mentioned this time, which is good as I backtracked and won't prevent DF from attending. Not sure what to expect but covid precautions are mostly behind us with most vaccinated. I cannot worry about the health of adults choosing to not get vaccinated.

KA and I are looking forward to a long memorial day weekend. We are not going to the singles group picnic. In a way we are kinda done with that group although I will continue to host things (of interest to me) through it. There are members I have no desire to ever see again and will choose who I spend my time with going forward. 
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« Last Edit: May 24, 2021, 08:10:06 AM by STP »
M56 XW55
S30, S27, S23, S21
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

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STP

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#53: May 27, 2021, 08:21:13 AM
Got a text from MM
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I’m at El Salto restaurant. Why is your whole family here? XW looks good. She quit dying her hair and she cut it and it’s much more flattering on her. I believe S19 is with his girlfriend. Which other son has a girlfriend? I went over and said hi and introduced myself to XW. I told her I hadn’t seen her since she was working at a show and I complimented her on her hair.

I'm quite sure XW knows who MM is, and certainly all my kids do. I'm not sure why this bothers me to hear all the kids are out with her. Not a big deal. Perhaps being left out which is expected. Boys are always gonna be closer to their mom. I can't complain as I see three of them weekly. I guess I've never tried to arrange dinner out with the lot or even trips away. I'm hopeful XW will move away one day or her marriage breaks.  :D Don't really care. Just hearing of all that makes me feel low and like a failure. I know I'm not. Kinda like why does the OM get to enjoy the company of my family? I wish him ill.

Looking forward to the long memorial day weekend! I did not see KA this week as her D8 got exposed to someone with covid and she had to retrieve her from her partly vaccinated exs home. Assuming that's all fine, I have planned a full weekend for us of new places to go.

I hope things are right in your world. Make moves to keep yourself happy. Much strength to you!
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« Last Edit: May 27, 2021, 08:24:39 AM by STP »
M56 XW55
S30, S27, S23, S21
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

STP

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•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#54: June 04, 2021, 10:35:46 AM
Negotiating and sticking to it

A conflict came up and it's been weighing heavily on my mind. This weekend I am going to KAs because she has her D8. A friend of mine invited me to come on by to his pool party on Saturday. This requires me to leave KAs house and return later. As expected she is not happy. Even if she did not have K8 it is not a couples home she would like to go to. They are perceived as obnoxious partiers. This makes me think how do we handle when I can go to something and she cant or wont. If it was a hike I'd just go and come back later. Before covid, Saturday afternoons I did not just hang out at KAs house and watch movies and do stuff around her house. I'd go do things if there were things.

It was always an issue with XW as she'd either lay guilt trips on me or get sad or mad and i wouldn't go and then I'd resent her passive aggressive control over me or I'd go and get questioned where she was and then return home with my tail between my legs like I did something wrong. When I became single I vowed to not let anyone control my actions. Is it crummy to go? I told KA I would make an appearance for a couple hours. She said
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Just go.  You're the social butterfly.  I have my responsibilities. I will be fine. Just don't b!tc# at me if we have less time together and you get less sex.

How do you treat situations in a relationship when one can go and the other wont or cant? It's very awkward. I am trying to just be me and she can accept it or not. On the 19th is another party (both MM and JS will be at) and we were both invited. KAs already declined as she has D8. It's not a big deal for me to go and I'm fine missing it as I have my party on the 12th with many of the same people. It is a touchy subject.
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« Last Edit: June 04, 2021, 10:41:53 AM by STP »
M56 XW55
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BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

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•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#55: June 04, 2021, 11:15:25 AM
Hello,

Quote
As expected she is not happy. Even if she did not have K8 it is not a couples home she would like to go to. They are perceived as obnoxious partiers.

If this is the case, why go? I understand an opportunity to go to a great party, but is this something you have to do?

However,

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When I became single I vowed to not let anyone control my actions. Is it crummy to go? I told KA I would make an appearance for a couple hours.

You have made this crystal clear in your relationship with KA. It's part of your core and you like to be with others and having a good time doing things with groups. Also, don't you do things with KA and her daughter as well?

Quote
Quote
Just go.  You're the social butterfly.  I have my responsibilities. I will be fine. Just don't b!tc# at me if we have less time together and you get less sex.


Welcome to being in a relationship LOL

Quote
How do you treat situations in a relationship when one can go and the other wont or cant? It's very awkward. I am trying to just be me and she can accept it or not.

There is a big difference between can't and won't. I think you need to be sensitive to the days she has her daughter and can't
go as opposed to you invite her and she won't go. Because in the first case, she is stuck at home and feels you are out having a great time. In the second situation, you made the invitation and she declined to go even though she could go. Big difference.

In the end, you have always been your own man and KA has known this all along.

Enjoy your weekend,

((((Ready))))

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Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#56: June 04, 2021, 11:44:47 AM
Thank you for reminding me why it is awesome to be single! ;)

My ex always got to go on his reenactment trips whenever he wanted (didn't ask, just informed me of the dates he'd be gone). It was rare, especially once we were married, that I had solo things I could do without him tagging along and guilting me if he wasn't included enough. So I get it. And honestly, I enjoyed my alone time while he was gone, even when we were married (but of course, more now that we're divorced).

I'm on your side on this one because quantity doesn't always mean quality couple time anyway. If when you come back the three of you do something special (like go get ice cream, or have a nice dinner, or see a movie together, whatever), that is a bigger win than just sitting around the house doing nothing, but breathing the same oxygen. And the threat of withholding sex as punishment is a bit of an eye roll to me. Don't you both suffer if you don't feed your intimate life? That's not a reward, it's just part of a healthy connection. But I digress.

You've been upfront. And it's healthy to do solo things sometimes, have his friends/her friends/our friends, and they all don't have to fit in all three categories. You're not married, but I believe that would be the case even if you were. Happiness comes from within, right? We've learned this. You don't have to be each others' everything. So she has more alone time with her daughter to do special things, just the two of them, and you have your afternoon that you want, too.

When those red flags come up that remind you of the past, heed them. Don't repeat that past toxicity.
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•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#57: June 04, 2021, 12:49:26 PM
Hello,

Quote
And the threat of withholding sex as punishment is a bit of an eye roll to me. Don't you both suffer if you don't feed your intimate life? That's not a reward, it's just part of a healthy connection. But I digress.

Excellent point by the other Ready.

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When those red flags come up that remind you of the past, heed them. Don't repeat that past toxicity.

Another valid point.

Disregard my milk toast response and stick with what the other Ready wrote. I really agree. After all, you could be stuck one weekend doing something with your kids and she would be free to do what she wanted to do as well.

Enjoy the weekend,

((((Ready))))
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Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#58: June 04, 2021, 02:25:19 PM

You've been upfront. And it's healthy to do solo things sometimes, have his friends/her friends/our friends, and they all don't have to fit in all three categories. You're not married, but I believe that would be the case even if you were. Happiness comes from within, right? We've learned this. You don't have to be each others' everything. So she has more alone time with her daughter to do special things, just the two of them, and you have your afternoon that you want, too.


So much great stuff from both Readys, but this is what I am learning, as much as anything, when I think about what I want any future relationship to look like. If I were pursuing a new relationship, or definitively reconnecting with my W, I would insist on discussing this openly and regularly to ensure we were both on the same page about spending time pursuing solo interests versus shared time together. And I think it changes - we go through stretches where we need to connect with friends or pursue a particular hobby that our partner may not enjoy, and times where we seek more closeness and intimacy and quality time with our partner. I feel like there’s a lot of space in there for getting on the same page; what’s important is the motivation for spending time either together or apart. It’s about pursuing one’s own happiness - not momentary pleasure, necessarily, but the longer term happiness that comes with pursuing the things that are meaningful to each of us in a balance that meets our needs. Intimacy with a partner, time spent with family, socializing with friends, time spent alone... each of us has our own perfect balance, and hers won’t be the same as yours. All you can do is exactly what you’re doing - be honest with her and be true to your own needs and motivations. And there shouldn’t be any negative repercussions for time spent recharging your own battery. It might mean you make a point of spending some couple time together as well, but that should be something that recharges you both, too.

Of course, having a live-in MLCer who might be trying to peek out of the tunnel (no way to know so I’m not dwelling on it) means that I think about these things and I talk about them here and with friends, but I don’t actually have relationship talks. But someday, when I am actually in a position to have these sorts of conversations, the above is more or less what these months of introspection have revealed.
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Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#59: June 04, 2021, 03:38:05 PM
Perhaps worth exploring if it´s a case of envy- she wishes she could be free to go without child responsibility or jealousy- she´s concerned that someone will be making the moves on you while she´s not there. Is it the time away, the activity or the people? Would it matter if you spent the same amount of time away with your sons? Was there advance notice? Did she have a prior understanding that you´d be spending the weekend together. Maybe it´s not about the party but rather about the when and how she got notified. But you´ll only know if you have a calm conversation.
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BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
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