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Author Topic: My Story •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce

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My Story •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#60: June 04, 2021, 06:02:10 PM
 Were you up front?  Did you say you were going to spend the weekend with KA unless something better came along? When you make plans with someone, it is rude to go do something "better" that comes along after you made the original plans. That is just plain manners.  Do you have FOMO, STP? Are you so afraid of missing a possibly great party you would throw manners out the window if you hadn't been truly up front?

If you DID tell KA you'd hang out with her except if something better came along, then you made it clear. If you told KA that you'd hang out except for this party when you originally said you'd hang out, you also made it clear. If that is the case, you do as you said you would do and also reap what you have sown. If you don't want to be beholden to anyone, then why should you care what KA wants or thinks?

If you DO care about what she thinks and feels, that doesn't mean she "controls" you. She is also free to tell you what she thinks and feels. Then, if it's a healthy relationship, you work it out. If you didn't really make it clear this time, make sure you do next time. Agree to stay at the party for x time and return by y time. Yes, that's a commitment.  Are you up for that or no?  If no, be clear about that.

Saying "I'm going to go where ever I want whenever I want, and I don't care how you feel about it" is clear. Saying "I'll hang out at your place with you and your D" is also clear, as there is no "except" clause. Deciding after agreement on plans that you want to change the plans for you is poor manners and you can expect that the original person you had plans with will be disappointed and unhappy.

If you wanted to go to a party or what have you when you had no plans with KA, then if you want to invite her to go with you, you do. If you don't, then you don't. If she can't go, sucks to be her, but life goes on. If she doesn't want to go, her choice.

How the situation came to be matters, not just if she can or wants to go. Were you 100% transparent and honest? Did she change if she wanted you to go if she agreed you'd hang out unless something better came up? It's not just cut and dried based on one person not liking the other's response.
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« Last Edit: June 04, 2021, 06:40:23 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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#61: June 04, 2021, 06:49:01 PM
Adding that this:
Just go.  You're the social butterfly.  I have my responsibilities. I will be fine. Just don't b!tc# at me if we have less time together and you get less sex.

Is NOT threatening to withold sex in any way shape or form. We on this forum have zero knowledge of what has happened in the past between STP and KA.  If her experience is that he goes off, returns late, and she's already asleep, hence no sex that night,  or they only get it on twice instead of four times, she's just being straight that she expects that if there isn't time for as much sex as might be normal, he doesn't get to complain since he minimized the time. She's not wrong that less time equals less time for anything, sex included.
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STP

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#62: June 07, 2021, 10:58:49 AM
Thanks all for your comments!

The event and reaction turned out to be fine. I told KA I would be back at 5pm and it was 5:03pm when I pulled in her drive (the gathering was 45 mins away). I also used my old tactic of having her 'remind' me I better get going to the event. I knew precisely when I wanted to leave and it was 10 mins after that she told me I better go. I didn't make a big deal out of it and it wasn't.

It was a nonevent and ones imagination was wilder then anything in reality. The couples parents and siblings were there as well as her work friends and I merely floated in the pool with some kid, drank a  beer and Cokes and took a selfie with the host. After 100 mins I left and it was enough time to have made an impact-they were pleased I showed up. I've only met them twice before. He had paid me to be his photographer at his Halloween party.

When I got back to KAs she was grilling. I provided just a tad of info about the event (figuring if she cared for more she'd ask) and helped her make dinner and the three of us plus her mom went to an ice skating show.

Another event is coming up on the 19th where she has D8 and can't go and may feel left out or jealous? I have had a FOMO in the past. Tried to get over it but haven't. What will I miss if I go vs. what will I miss if I don't go? Negatives of going to the party are its a dress up event and I don't like the theme and also two guys attending I do not get along with and would rather not see them ever again. On the other hand, the host is coming to mine this Sat and I kinda feel like I should his. Many of my close friends MM, JS and others will be there (although I will see them this Sat.) If KA and I had plans it'd be easier but if we're just gonna watch TV (what D8 wants) I feel like I'm missing out. I'm undecided for now but it would mean I could not stay overnight if I went.

In a way KA's already done all her partying with not having a kid until age 39. We view our together time differently. For me there are days I see her and days I don't. Whether other people are around makes no difference to me if she's present. For her its days we are alone and days we aren't. I often feel if she had her way I'd have no friends and just spend all my time with her.

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Nas

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#63: June 07, 2021, 11:15:30 AM
So right up front, I realize how judgmental I'm going to sound, but I'm still going to say it.
STP, do you want a healthy committed relationship, or do you want a woman who is committed to you while you still entertain the advances of other woman and perhaps keep a door slightly cracked to other options? 

The latter is the sense I get from reading your long time of journaling since you and KA became a couple. 

As a grown man in your 50s with adult children, would it not be better to explore the reasons why you have FOMO, rather than engage in "tactics" (manipulating situations) to keep your committed partner from feeling upset?  Wouldn't it be better if you two sat down and had a healthy discussion and came to a workable solution, rather than her feeling left out, you feeling FOMO and neither of you addressing yourselves or each other? 

I don't mean to come off preachy.  These are honest questions.  I'm exploring a lot of things myself and this is just an honest outsider view of what I see in your journaling.  From some of your past posts, I have truly felt you don't treat KA the way you would like her to treat you.  Would you like her to be alone with a close male friend, giving him foot massages and contemplating how easily it would be to him into bed that night if she wanted to? Again, honest questions, I think if you want a healthy, happy and peaceful relationship, these might be interesting things for you to contemplate.
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#64: June 07, 2021, 03:47:19 PM
The event and reaction turned out to be fine. I told KA I would be back at 5pm and it was 5:03pm when I pulled in her drive (the gathering was 45 mins away).
Very respectful, and I'm sure she noticed it.

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When I got back to KAs she was grilling. I provided just a tad of info about the event (figuring if she cared for more she'd ask) and helped her make dinner and the three of us plus her mom went to an ice skating show.
HAHAHA! At first I thought you were going to say she was grilling YOU! This was so much better!

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I'm undecided for now but it would mean I could not stay overnight if I went.
You could not stay overnight where? At the party or are KA's? Is staying overnight at a party a thing where you live?  ???

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In a way KA's already done all her partying with not having a kid until age 39. We view our together time differently. For me there are days I see her and days I don't. Whether other people are around makes no difference to me if she's present. For her its days we are alone and days we aren't. I often feel if she had her way I'd have no friends and just spend all my time with her.
This is you projecting what you think on KA, you know that, right?  KA might want to party but takes her responsibilities to her daughter seriously. Those two things are not mutually exclusive, so you'd have to ask her if she just doesn't want to party. Or just doesn't want to party as much as you do. Or doesn't like going to parties where an MM or JM or some other initials woman is coming on to you and you do not rebuff them and tell them to keep their body parts off of you because you are with KA. Or would like to party but takes her responsibility to her D seriously. Any of those could be a possibility, but you won't know unless you actually ask her and get her answer.

I can understand her wanting to have time with her significant other alone. When you aren't alone, your attention is divided and it's possible she may get very little of your time when others are around. Most people would like a certain amount of special person time, whether it's intimate or just watching TV. It makes them feel special to each other. For the average person, a significant other is not plug and play, they can't just take someone else and plug them into an empty spot in their lives. On the other hand, of course, we each need to be able to do our own things that we enjoy. It's what a real relationship is all about. Finding that sweet spot for both can take some work. If you know the event is coming up and it's D8 weekend, you should go if you want to. If KA is envious, that is on her as long as you had not already promised to do something with her on that day.

You get to have your own life. If you do it with honor, integrity, loyalty and a decent moral compass, then if KA might be envious she cannot always join you or will miss having that time with you, it will be because she enjoys your presence and is sad you are elsewhere.
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STP

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#65: June 14, 2021, 10:53:16 AM
Thanks for your replies Nas and Offroad.

It is more likely the latter if I'm being 100% honest Nas. FOMO can be attributed. I feel very much like I'm living my last days and I don't want to have regrets or say 'no' to things of interest and entertaining to me. Could this be a poor mans MLC? KA and I are in discussions all the time about our schedules and are aware of our time together.  According to a Facebook word search quiz, TIME is my most typed word. KA preferred 2020 when she was my only avenue of socialization. I see all sorts of fun things happening for us in June and she just sees them as not 'us' time. We only have the last weekend this month without her D8 and we will go to a water circus together and a friends wedding (LD, JS and MM will probably be there too). We are done binging TV shows Tuesday nights and tomorrow I am taking her to a comedy club as a date. Two of our Tuesdays in the next month have become solo things for her (a hair cut and zoo with her mom) so she's choosing those things over time with me. I'm not needy like I used to be when married. I have lots of things to do and if I don't see her for 5 days I'm okay. I offered to see her Mondays, the other weeknight she's free but those are reserved for her chores, since D8 not with her.

Friday night I went to KAs and along with D8, her mom accompanied us to the local carnival. Afterward, I saw a journal laying out that had my name on it. I asked her what it was and it's a book where she writes down our dates. Oh? She is very much keeping track of things. I mentioned to you her constant list making right?

My party Saturday went over well. I had 20 people attend and the back yard with strung lights, illuminated the yard very well. Relaxing and talking was what people wanted/needed and not a dancing party. A chance to get together with friends, not seen in over a year. The usual friends were there. JW came and I gave her no special attention. It was a fun night and I took selfies with 90% of the guests.

KA is actually giving me clothing suggestions for the 1920's theme party I will attend this Sat night. She's finding me things to wear to the event she can't go to. Before I leave for that we will have pool time and pick strawberries together. Us 3. I will be subdued going out without her. I hope to not sensationalize my posts here but things are very good between us. We have intertwined lives that come together 3 nights a week and we make it work. She'll say NO! louder than me if anyone suggests us getting married.  :D

I messaged XW to see if she would pay half for digitizing our kids home movie VHS tapes to mp4 videos and she said yes and thanked me for spearheading the restoration project. I actually went to her Facebook page with an alternate account to look around. Glad I'm no longer under her thumb. I'm happy with the life I've made the last 5 years.
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« Last Edit: June 14, 2021, 11:10:38 AM by STP »
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STP

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#66: June 21, 2021, 12:40:29 PM
Jounaling.

Done watching Harry Potter films with MM, we were talking about what next to watch. She came over later than desired Thursday and decided we should go to the beach instead of watching something. It was very pleasant outside and the beach is just 2 miles away. It reminded me of when we went 4.5 years ago, she got drunk and we slept there until like 4 am until rain started and she threw up in my driveway. Read entry here:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8106.msg528413#msg528413

We didn't drink and just sat, me on a blanket and her in the sand and talked: topics were way out there. I think we talked mostly about UFOS until after 11pm. Like my XW, MM is very much in control of what is discussed. I think tiny beach bugs came out after sunset and bit us as our legs have small red spots on them. Darn ankle biters!

Friday night I went to KAs and had a good time. Saturday we four went strawberry pocking (us, her D8 and mom) until it was my time to leave for the two parties: A friends 50th and the 1920 themed party. She texted me to behave and I replied I was just hanging out with JS there and drinking water. The next days seeing photos I took she questioned if i was the 'party photographer' now. No, but I enjoy taking photos. Despite me saying I missed her presence she disagreed and said she was unhappy and complained we've not had a full weekend together  in weeks and that I ditch her to do other things. I reminded her before Covid we did not spend the Sat afternoons she had D8 together, but she considers when I have gone to hikes as ditching her. I did remind her, I have a Sunday photographer event coming up July 4th which normally would be occur after I've left her house but because of holiday I will go back to her place after. I then asked her why she does things like the zoo with her mom and gets haircuts on Tuesdays when thats our one weekday to be together. We texted and made compromises and I don't anticipate me ditching her for the foreseeable future. I reminded her we have a date this Friday and shes going to move earlier her zoo trip with her mom to still come over Tuesday night. Now I know how she feels about it. There may be conflicts in the fall when she has D8 and I get invited elsewhere. Her mom is always an option to babysit for the night.

Saturday is a friends very small second wedding and I've been asked to photograph it. JS, KA and her bestie LD will be there as well as RH and some others. MM cannot attend. RH is a former good friend whom I've mentioned her 1.5 years ago. revealed to KA ambushed me at my beach party kissing me. I'll let them figure all that out.
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10460.msg740249#msg740249

Sunday my entire family is coming to visit from IL (save one bro from WI). KA will stay later on Sun to visit and go to the beach with us all.
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#67: June 25, 2021, 06:45:12 AM
Lil bits.

BF re-friended me on Facebook. Not sure why I was dropped awhile back or re-added. Whatever.

JW and I had plans to go biking like I do on Mondays but she was sick enough to skip work and that didn't happen
Tuesday KA came over after the zoo and we had a good night. We've both been so tired.

DC texted me asking for prayers. Sounds like her son punctured his stomach with his bike handlebars. Surgery went well but he'll be there 4-5 days. Guess I should be flattered she felt like telling me this? She must not know or care I'm an atheist but I wished strength to them both and showed concern.

MM came over for Thursday movie night and we watched Mission Impossible 5. She asked me to rub her shoulders claiming a sore spot preventing her from sleeping. She's wanting me to go to a concert with her in Aug. but that would mean giving up a night with KA and I know that won't be well received and I'd rather not. MM is seeing the same artist in 3 weeks. No desire to see that concert having gone myself 2 years ago. Happily when movie ended she left and I got 6 hrs of sleep. KAs bestie LD texted me:
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Was out your way last night, I went to the circus. Do you guys not believe in street lights? So dark there.
Had me wondering if she drove by my place and saw MMs car but she did not. Nothing was going on.

XW texted me concerned about S21. Says he drinks and passes out every night and came home tipsy after a party. She's worried he's gonna be an alcoholic. I told her I'll talk with him this weekend. S21 and I do the most together 1-on-1 of my four sons. He just bought a house in her town. Less than 15 mins from me.

Seems I'm Mr. Go, Go, Go again with activities. Water circus tonight, friends wedding tomorrow and my entire family (parents, siblings & kids-17 people) coming from IL on Sunday. I hope you're all well and living life BIG.
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« Last Edit: June 25, 2021, 06:56:50 AM by STP »
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#68: June 26, 2021, 06:05:25 AM
Hello,

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She texted me to behave

You know that's not going to happen. I just don't see you as the type to be sitting quietly in the corner and hanging out.

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but that would mean giving up a night with KA and I know that won't be well received and I'd rather not.

Good thinking, that will prevent a lot of potential headaches later.

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Seems I'm Mr. Go, Go, Go again with activities.

It's your personality and you have to live your life with what makes you comfortable.

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I hope you're all well and living life BIG.

I did water activities with the scholars yesterday. Two hours setting it up, three hours of activities with three grade levels, and clean-up. I put in 14,000 steps during the entire day and I went home exhausted but feeling content that we had such an awesome day!

Enjoy your weekend,

((((Ready)))

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STP

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#69: June 29, 2021, 12:21:33 PM
Thanks for comments Ready. Journalling

My weekend was fantastic! The acrobatic circus was thrilling and very enjoyable with KA.

Saturdays friends wedding was fine with me being photographer but the reception left us feeling rather dry with no alcohol and the bright lights of the church hall were not adequate for dancing either. Fun chatting with 5 friends including KA, buddy JS and LD.

Sunday was my family day and all 18 of us went to the beach. KA opted to not go choosing to stay behind in my house alone. When we didn't arrive back from the beach at the scheduled 2pm and no text from me she got mad and left after getting all the food ready for us. Some of us didn't even get there until 1pm. I texted her when we were leaving to come back. She felt used and I apologized time got away from us to be home by 3pm. We did not text until bedtime. I had also given KA a Chicago CUBS shirt i bought her to wear when we go see them. She is a White Sox fan and left the shirt even after i bought tickets. She told me she didn't care if they won or not. It did make me wonder how we are together when we really have little in common. Our biggest shared feature may just be our devotion to being together. 2 weeks til our vacation. Going to Colorado for a week with her mom, D8 and sharing a house with her older sister and husband.

MM again asked me about the Sammy Hagar concert and I told her
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Honestly i have no interest. Just saw him two years ago. I'm not like you and will go every time they come around. You're seeing him July 16 and would go again in Sept? I'm not like that.
She's not someone I like to say no to but not gonna sacrifice my own self to do what she wants us to do. She woulda bailed immediately from the wedding reception with no alcohol. I'm glad she wasn't there. She's a priss.

I texted DC and gave her what days I can take her photo. She had wanted pics of herself before she turns 50 mid July. I'll be on vacay in Colorado with KAs family and have lots of other things so she has 4 chances. Her loss if she passes on them.

Fireworks tomorrow over Lake Michigan with kids. S26 typically doesn't go. I was supposed to go to a concert with S21 this Thursday but it's sold out so prob will be Mission Impossible 6 with MM instead. This weekend I'm at KAs because of D8 being home. Sunday I have a photograph session with four women friends photographing an old collapsing church in Gary, IN. Because the area can be sketchy, I've asked a few of my sons to come with us for security. They like urban decay anyway and are familiar with where we're going. I also invited kids to come over that night and light off their fireworks.

I stumbled onto my XWs  facebook business page and saw a video of OM. Her store looks fledged out and full of stuff. It's open 28 hrs a week. Just so glad to not be part of her life anymore. I had lost my identity and was swallowed up tending to her.

Water circus from Italy
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« Last Edit: June 29, 2021, 12:29:26 PM by STP »
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