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Author Topic: My Story •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce

STP

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My Story •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#150: November 08, 2022, 05:57:49 AM
Thank you Treasur for pointing out that I have avoided being completely honest with myself. You are right, I'm not sure what I want. I'm going about my day giving KA the space she needs until she wants to communicate. I feel heartache which is deserved from the way I've been.

Ive heard the high school comparison before with so many interacting people of the same age group and I do like to report on my thread like a melodrama.

After the end of my marriage I made a conscious decision to not allow myself to fall deeply in love again. The chance for hurt is too great and my heart is too guarded now. I know I am flawed and all I can do is try to keep improving myself and be open and honest with those that matter. I will think hard about the sloppy boundaries and why there is behavior to be ‘caught out on’ and what she really means to me. Not hurting her is a priority.

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I have always thought that you say very little about her as a person in her own right that you love as opposed to just one of the many players in your life. It’s as if she shows up in your life but you don’t seem to engage in her’s much...

I just don't post those things in detail. Of the 16 days a month we are together, 6 of those are me all-in her life engaged in things of importance to them. Through ongoing text daily I'm involved in her life and D10, being supportive, responsive and interested. She's grounded, intelligent but overworked. My love for her is trying to be there for her, take care of her and fulfill her needs as I am capable of. There is Intimacy, passion and commitment.

I was hurt badly in the past as well.
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•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#151: November 08, 2022, 07:29:50 AM
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After the end of my marriage I made a conscious decision to not allow myself to fall deeply in love again. The chance for hurt is too great and my heart is too guarded now.
I was hurt badly in the past as well.

Raw and total honesty. I like that.

That part of loving another seemingly has shut down in me. I think we are all different in that respect...it isn't right or wrong and lots of therapy later, I personally still do not know why I would chance ever going through this again?

So thanks STP for sharing that.

I hope that KA understands this. It does sound like you have a deep affection for her and a "love" of some type.

Take good care of yourself STP.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#152: November 08, 2022, 08:00:31 AM
Quite something, STP, to respond to my post like you did. Takes some real courage imho.
See, I knew you weren’t a bad guy  :)
I took a quick flick back in your posts to when you and KA got together and tbh you might find it useful to do that too bc you shared quite a lot about what was going on in you and for you then.

As xyzcf said, we get it. Life is different after this scale of punch in the face and different LBS adapt to that in different ways. I too find it almost unimaginable to have the kind of relationship I believed I had before, not bc of other people but bc some bit of me seems to no longer be ‘online’ just as xyzcf described. That may change, and it seems a bit of a waste bc I was a pretty good partner and I liked it, but it seems to be how it is for now.

But, of everything that my xh did, the deceit - active and passive - was the most damaging. It took away my agency, my right to make my own choices based on relevant information, and it left me not knowing which way was up for quite a long time. Imho being honest with others when you think they won’t much like what you might say is always hard....but deceit can harm people to their bones. I don’t think you really want to be that kind of guy even if you also don’t want to be all in as you were before you got so very hurt. And you can choose what kind of guy you want to be, you know - that’s in your hands. After all, Do No Harm is not a bad aim in adult life. :)
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« Last Edit: November 08, 2022, 08:02:37 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#153: November 08, 2022, 12:57:01 PM
Consider this, STP. If you are so afraid of going "all in" in another relationship, then it makes sense your bad boundaries are your possible "one foot out the door" strategy. If something happens with KA, you'll just move on to one of the others. Does this really make sense to you? That you'd want to move on to someone who had inappropriate boundaries with a person who was supposedly in a committed relationship? Is that really better than going all in on a relationship that has a person who has boundaries enough not to do something like that?

And IMO, as to KA and waiting and giving her space. Give her some space, then send something or leave something at her house that says "I'm a freaking BOZO. Please give me a chance to make this right." Then make it right with actions and stop dangling that foot out of the door. Throwing a way a good thing because you are afraid really doesn't make much sense. Remember you only live once. Live it with honor, integrity and loyalty. The rest is just window dressing.

JMO, you may always choose to do what you want.

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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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#154: November 08, 2022, 01:04:37 PM
OH, and new thread, please.

Or Ursa will come and gif bomb you.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Re: •• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#155: November 08, 2022, 06:37:52 PM
I too want to commend you, STP, for receiving all input in the spirit of support (not criticism) it is intended. We are all human, and this shared experience has changed our approach to relationships. If it didn't, we'd be crazy! And we are most of us single people now, even if we didn't want to be. We have the right to define 'commitment' and relationships however we see fit, but I agree with others that you and your partner should at least be on the same page with that definition. And that comes with the vulnerability and accountability that so many of us fear in new relationships.

I remember your BD very well. It was particularly cruel. I think you've grown a lot in your ability to overcome resentment toward her and focus on yourself, your life, having fun, and being social. But there is probably still a wall there when it comes to not wanting to ever feel that level of pain again, and maybe sabotaging something good in order to keep yourself from going deeper. There's nothing wrong with having a relationship that allows you each to have space; but you can't fill all the extra space with other people. It doesn't leave room for yourself and your growth. Maybe, and this is just my opinion, if you took time to work through these vulnerable places that are still afraid of what might happen if you love too much, that fear will start to neutralize a bit. I did a stint of work with a "resilience coach" this year and through meditation and mindfulness, I've peeled back more layers of this trauma and feel so much more prepared for future relationships because the one with myself improved. That was just my way (not saying it should be yours), but even this far down the line after BD, it helped. I feel even more independent, and ironically, I think that will eventually make me a better partner.

I hope you and KA get back on the same page. If you don't, I hope you have amicable peace with it and are able to appreciate how much this relationship has helped you both grow.
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STP

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#156: November 08, 2022, 08:51:53 PM
Thank you for responding xyzcf, Treasur, OffRoad and R2T. Your words brings me valued observations on my journey and interest in yours.

Part of not giving 'my all' is KA does not want to get married (I'm okay with this) and we can't really live together either so there is some healthy space/distance in our relationship. I am committed to her and we are an established couple. I did go back and read our beginning (as you suggested Treasur). It was interesting to revisit that and see how we've grown. I have time to be myself as I am alone Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays each week and see friends just 2 or 3 days a month.

KA texted me this morning and it was our usual small talk that we have every work day. She asked to call me after 5pm and I was in the voting hall and she called after that. She immediately said she accepted my apology. I was like huh? I hadn't even said what I was prepared to. I had ended the previous night texting
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I should've told you the next day (about the kiss). No matter who, if anyone ever tries this crap again you will hear it from me. This happened to me way back in IL too when a friend of my XW ambush kissed me at a costume party. I understand (you are hurt and angry). I'm sorry I didn't tell you and hurt you by keeping quiet. I'm supposed to do right and didn't.

I thanked her for retaining me as her boyfriend. She told me she dropped KM as a friend and deleted all paths of communication and never wants to see her again. Surprisingly she said I didn't have to delete her (I can't now anyway being in Facebook jail). She said she has lost the trust between us and I acknowledged that time and my actions will get it back and I believe it's better she is with me at parties, even if she feels stressed having to watch over me as she can't trust these women. It shouldn't be an issue as most respect us, but then again the affection from KM was a complete surprise! I really think everything is gonna be alright. She said if KM was at a party she would just ignore her. I said KM will not be invited again to my house. I feel a new level of commitment to KA and told her I would hate to lose her and her family who I enjoy being with (although D10 and I bicker at times about her phone addiction). KA is coming over this weekend where it will be just us two, which will jumpstart the reconnecting.

I'll start a new thread with my next post.
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« Last Edit: November 08, 2022, 09:00:27 PM by STP »
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•• Calm the crazy; Life after divorce
#157: November 09, 2022, 04:59:58 AM
OH, and new thread, please.

Or Ursa will come and gif bomb you.


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STP

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#158: November 14, 2022, 10:25:52 AM
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« Last Edit: November 14, 2022, 04:19:13 PM by OffRoad »
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