[MomOfSteel]

Great update, sorry about the covid though.  I hope you continue to recover.  I too hope that divorce can help cut the ties and allow more detachment.  You seem like you are in a great place.  I hope that she is emerging from the fog.  I am following along. 

[HeavenlyFocus]

Thanks SS, ML, and LB for the support.

Well, COVID is the past although it did take about 3 weeks for me to feel good again.   I waited about 10 days after my symptoms stopped before I started working out as I didn't want to push my heart with possible myocarditis.   I now am back to my baseline exercise and sleep and need to focus on my diet again. (Not as disciplined as SS in the diet area)   Need to take off about 20 pounds which I call the MLC 20.

With family life, things have really settled in place as my kids are getting ready to start school and start up their extracurricular activities.  Both kids are doing really well right now and my only stress is the normal parent - teenager relationship with my D14.   I think the past couple of years really impacted my ability to set boundaries about respect so I am having to backtrack and fix some the challenges looking at both me and my daughter's behaviors.   It will take some time but I feel like I am on the right path as a parent.   

I also absolutely love my new home  and got my home office situated.   My new job is going well and i'm getting ready to do some travel worktrips this fall which should be fun.

My XW seems to be still overwhelmed with life and yet she is doing great as a Mom right now.   We continue to work well as co-parents and are starting to face challenges together to help our kids.       As for whether or not there is an OM in her life, I have no idea to be honest.   I think there may be one but it is still hidden from me and everyone that I know.   As I continue to heal, she may eventually feel comfortable coming out publicly with the relationship.  If that happens, then my stand will be done.  I will be ok no matter what happens in the future.

Lastly, I am at a point where I am not ready to even consider dating.   I am focused on my own healing, developing close relationships with some male friends, and putting my kids a my main priority right now.    As my kids get older, I will have more time (and money) to explore another relationship.   Not going to push things but will see how things evolve over time.   I do spend time thinking about what I want from the next relationship and where I still need to grow.   I want to emerge from this MLC stronger and ready for a healthy relationship.

Enough journaling for now.   Will continue to write as life happens.   Hope everyone has a great week!

HF

[HeavenlyFocus]

Minor journal today

As I have dealt with all the craziness over the past two years, I wanted to share that my XW actually went out of her way to help one of children setting up an appointment for me to take her on a tour of the new school after we missed the normal school tour due to a conflict.  Kind of nice to have her helping for a change. 

HF

[MomOfSteel]

HF, I hope things continue to go well and I'm glad you are recovered.  I relate to focusing on the kids now and healing.  To me it seems like the best way to hopefully avoid an unhealthy relationship. 

[MadLuv]

It has to start somewhere….hoping for more good things to come 

[HeavenlyFocus]

Wow how time flies.  I remember posting every couple of days and life has surely changed for me since I joined the forum back in late October in 2020.

Overall, not much has changed in the past couple of months.   Still relative peace in my life as things are going really well with my two D's.   School and sports are really busy and life has been really fun.   My job is also going well and I have had some fun work trips to California and Colorado over the past couple of months.   I don't have much time for anything else during my week's with the kids so the work trips have been fun with some good times with my new coworkers.

As for my XW, she still seems to be in the replay but is at least more pleasant.   We are working well together as co-parents and I have to say this provided peace for me.   We even celebrated one of our D's birthdays together as a family and I was invited over by my XW.   It felt a little strange but I have to say it was nice to share gifts and celebrate as a family.   

No expectations at this point and I still don't initiate any non-children communication at all.   My boundaries are in place to protect me for now, and I have hope for another relationship down the road when I am fully healed.   The joy I have with my kids, work, and some close friends is enough for now.  I have also really learned to enjoy my time by myself something I didn't have much prior to BD.    Don't feel the need to rush into a relationship of any kind at this point.

For those still in the first year since BD, time is your friend and it will get easier.  I am no longer defined by what happened to me and my family at BD.  I am not looking back but only towards the future whatever that will be

Have a great week everyone!

HF

[UrsaMajor]

Nice to hear HF. Healing takes... yep... time but you seem to be well on your way. It took me a lot longer to be able to play "happy family" for the sake of the kids and I still do not do a very good job of it....

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi UM,

Yes, it's not always easy to play happy family.   I definitely can't fake it.   In my situation, it appears my XW has compartmentalized her life.   Nothing public about other relationships nor have I heard anything from others.    She also has been putting effort with rebuilding her relationship with our kids.   These things have made it easier for me to move forward and heal.   I always ask two questions for myself when I interact with my XW.

1.   Is the interaction the best thing for my kids? 
2.   Does the interaction hurt me? 

If 1 is a Yes and 2 is as No, then I do it.   The other thing that helps me to move forward is that I am clearly in the stronger position at this point and my XW has no Power over me.    You can see that she is struggling as she escapes during her MLC.    I think she is currently away for a couple of days on another fake work trip.      She is texting with the kids a bit but only sent me the original message letting me know when she is leaving.   I responded with "Ok" and have no desire to text anything more.   I let her do all the communication and am at a point of indifference when interacting.

Sad for what happened to my family but still excited for the future.   

HF

[xyzcf]

Yes, it's not always easy to play happy family.

This, as are the other dilemmas we face is a personal choice. I don't call it "playing happy family". After much soul searching and therapy, I determined that for my daughter's ability to have some kind of family life, we would celebrate certain holidays with her. She is an adult but she still suffers from the destruction of what was once a stable family.

She and I have discussed this and it is easier for her to do things this way rather than split her time between two parents.

Is it hard for me? Yes it is. But I also wanted to be healed enough that his presence would not shake me anymore. That is detachment I guess.

I also think it shows unconditional love for him which again is important to me and my values. I do not blame him for his crisis, that was beyond his control so I look at what happened slightly differently than some on HS.

I would not wish MLC on my worse enemy.

My daughter is aware that this is difficult but each one of us tries to make these times together special.

My son-in-law who never knew Mr xyzcf before his crisis stated this summer when they were here visiting "mom, I don't understand this at all. You cook together, clean up, joke and tease one another, I just don't get it". Welcome to the club.

[Reinventing]

Great guidelines to live by:

I always ask two questions for myself when I interact with my XW.

1.   Is the interaction the best thing for my kids?
2.   Does the interaction hurt me?

That is why you sound so healthy and strong; you put your own oxygen mask on first. This is great for both you and your children. Being a stable, strong parent is the best gift you can give them.

It also means that if reconciliation was to happen in the future, it would start at a much better place because you are at a healthier point.

From xyzcf:

I do not blame him for his crisis, that was beyond his control so I look at what happened slightly differently than some on HS.

I think that most people here would agree with this. That's why folks on this site frequently say, "you didn't break it so you can't fix it". Or, "It would have happened no matter who the MLCer married".

I would go further and say that even though we see what happens as destructive and negative, the MLCer has every right to live a different life than the one they had before MLC. We do need to distance and protect ourselves from  gaslighting, lies, financial devastation and other behaviors. And we have to create a new life, whether reconciled or not. Our lives are irrevocably changed, which took me a long time to accept.

I see our responsibility is to heal as best we can and live our lives as healthy, healed, and stable as we can. If we learn one thing in all of this, it is that we can only control ourselves.

Our lives are precious and the only one we have (unless one comes from the reincarnation perspective and possible other perspectives of which I'm not aware).