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Author Topic: My Story •• Calming the crazy, life after divorce

STP

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My Story •• Calming the crazy, life after divorce
OP: November 14, 2022, 10:25:34 AM
Welcome to my thread journaling life after my 9/16 divorce. My ex-wife and I very rarely communicate. My first bomb drop was 11/09 when XW had an online EA. I stood and we reconciled 9/10. The second BD was 4/16 after discovering her PA with her best friends husband.

—FAMILY—
S30 & S27 - live together in the former family home 5 miles away. S30 bought it from me and his gf lives with them and her bunch of reptiles.
S23 - bought his own house 8 miles from mine. His gf lives with him. He and S20 often attend music concerts with me.
S20 - lives with XW & OM in a house situated between his brothers homes.

—GIRLFRIEND—
KA - six years younger, we began dating 2/18 and see each other Tuesday nights and weekends, alternating houses depending if she has her D10. Her father, age 85 lives with them. She is grounded, logical, and realistic. She does not want to get married and I am fine with that. KAs best friend LD is going to jail for two counts of vehicular manslaughter and her next bestie KM drunk kissed me, confessed and has been dropped.

—SINGLE FRIENDS since 2016—
JS - my best guy friend who talks too much and is overly serious which is why women don’t like him! He has no life without me and comes to all my events.
MM - my woman best friend who is married, but her dying H is confined to a bed for the last 25+ years. She is dating a much older man I am not fond of, who lives out-of-state that she goes to see weekends. I've seen her but once since they met 3/22.
DC - a woman in a 7-yr relationship who used to be more amorous, flirty and attentive towards me. She mostly ignores me and I leave her be. Last seen 9/22 and intimate two years prior.

---OTHERS---
XW - we were married 25 years, she is now married to OM since 12/18. Haven't seen her in 4 years.
OM - former husband of BF for 25 years, he no longer sees his kids who despise him. I hate him too and hope their marriage fails. We have not exchanged any words since before I discovered their 3/16 affair.
BF - former best friend of XW for 22 years, she lives with her kids a state away and has no contact with OM. Shes had a boyfriend for several years.
AF, CH, AG, GW - former girlfriends since separation. No contact in five years.

I have a very active social life throwing theme parties at my home almost monthly, attended by no less than 20 single friends. I also lead monthly hikes and other group activities in the singles group my gf KA and I belong to.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11471.0
My very first thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4735.msg300673#msg300673
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« Last Edit: November 14, 2022, 10:52:31 AM by STP »
M56 XW54
S30, S27, S23, S20
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

STP

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•• Calming the crazy, life after divorce
#1: November 14, 2022, 10:33:22 AM
Journaling

S20 contacted me asking about Thanksgiving plans, indicating his two cousins on XWs side won't be in town until Friday. Traditionally, since before my kids birth, Thanksgiving Day has always been seeing XWs family with mine getting the shaft (er, next best day of Black Friday). If my kids all opt to visit XWs family on Fri. none at the out-of-state family gathering will see them this year. I've thought of contacting XW and messaging my kids... but will just let it be without conflict. KA texted me her opinion: My kids are adults and can make up their own minds, although I know, there is no way they will deny my XW their presence. Thursday is not as option as my parents will keep to the 30+ year tradition of Friday and it would effect too many others to change it. I will be at KAs with her parents for Thanksgiving and take her to my parents on Friday. I could see some of my kids possibly trying to attend both gatherings with a two hour drive between. We'll see.

This Saturday I am leaving KAs for a few hours and going to a hike hosted by another retired guy outside the singles group. The people attending his hike are older and there are many I don't know, which is fine. I haven't see this friend in a year. I met JS and MM in his hiking group six years ago.
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« Last Edit: November 14, 2022, 10:43:12 AM by STP »
M56 XW54
S30, S27, S23, S20
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

STP

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•• Calming the crazy, life after divorce
#2: November 21, 2022, 07:34:33 AM
Journaling

My elderly friends hike was cancelled due to cold so I went with KA and D10 to the girl scout pottery painting event. The rest of the weekend was pleasant.

BF messaged me
Quote
I had this crazy dream. You were living in the same house as when I met you in IL. We were older and I was over to help you paint and remodel. We had plans on the renovation but as we were discussing it you had switched all the things we talked about and made new renovation plans. I was a little upset and asked why you didn't tell me when your XW walks in and says because we are back together again and this is the way I want it. I started to cry and asked you why you would ever take her back after all these years and everything she had done and you said “She’s the mother of my children, I still love her” then you asked me not to be mad at you. I just wanted to get away from her.
I replied I wouldn't go back to XW or IL. That life was all about her. XW belittled everything I was interested in.
BF replied
Quote
I have a feeling at some point she will try to get back together.
I can't see that ever happening unless OM drops out of the picture and she wouldn't fit in the life I have now.

I found myself looking through pictures from 2016 last night. The very last photo of XW and I was at a pirate festival and we are dressed in period garb on a ship. There are some photos I took of her with my real sword (being pointed at me) and the look in her eyes is reminiscent of the month after the first bomb drop. It's a MLC look I refer to as scratchy eyes. I don't like that look. She was attractive back then besides crazy.

A year ago today I was URBEX exploring an old abandoned church with two newer photographer friends and S27. One of the women left almost right away leaving the other CYS to photograph the ruins with my son and I. I had met her previously when the two of us photographed a cemetery together. A rare 'married' friend who bears a resemblance to XW-an appearance I naturally like. Of course I haven't seen CYS since- theres been no attempt to go out and photograph with others. It did make me think how unimportant my marriage may have appeared in the eyes of OM when he started his affair with XW. I know better and would consider an others relationship status.  I think I wasn't considered at all by OM. He just saw her and went for it amongst her MLC flirting. As we know just because someone is married or in a relationship it doesn't make them safe from other peoples advances. It was just a passing thought that if CYS was avail, I'd enjoy being around her more.

I'm in a good thing with KA. It sounds like at least some of my kids will be there FRI as mentioned in my previous post.
Happy thanksgiving to you.
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« Last Edit: November 21, 2022, 07:38:14 AM by STP »
M56 XW54
S30, S27, S23, S20
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

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Re: •• Calming the crazy, life after divorce
#3: November 21, 2022, 08:34:57 AM
Glad things are working out for the holiday, and with KA, STP!

I've seen your posts about BF over the years, and I understand her pain and why she would still cling so much to what's happening with your xW and OM. If I'm not wrong, didn't they have a few young children, with at least one being special needs, that he abandoned her with? That would create some super heavy neural pathways of resentment. But she just seems so stuck. It's like she always contacts you with dreams or other innocuous things to try to get you on the same wave she's on, focusing on them instead of seeing that you've moved forward. It's really sad, and should be a wake-up call for all of us to not make our former spouses a trauma hobby. It doesn't help, with our own lives or in relationships with others.

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•• Calming the crazy, life after divorce
#4: November 21, 2022, 09:23:18 AM
Hello,

Quote
Of course I haven't seen CYS since- theres been no attempt to go out and photograph with others. It did make me think how unimportant my marriage may have appeared in the eyes of OM when he started his affair with XW. I know better and would consider an others relationship status.  I think I wasn't considered at all by OM. He just saw her and went for it amongst her MLC flirting. As we know just because someone is married or in a relationship it doesn't make them safe from other peoples advances. It was just a passing thought that if CYS was avail, I'd enjoy being around her more.

I do agree that OM didn't care. Of course, my ex was quick to accept his advances so I still throw it out on my ex as the main issue. After all, she should have said no and didn't. She was the one that made the vow to me not him. With that being said, that does mean that I am a particular fan of OM and I absolutely hate his guts. I rejoiced when he and my ex broke up. My ex can date and have a great relationship with anyone but him.

Having gone through everything that I have dealt with regarding cheating and all the lies and manipulation that follows an affair, I would never be a cheater. Never ever. Even if I was single and I knew it was just a fling, would I participate in such an activity. It just ends up messy and I just don't want to have anything to do with that type of mess. If you are married, stayed married and if you are single and want to be a player, play with other players. Simple and no mess.

Quote
I'm in a good thing with KA. It sounds like at least some of my kids will be there FRI as mentioned in my previous post.
Happy thanksgiving to you.

Sounds amazing, Happy Thanksgiving to you as well!

((((Ready))))




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