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Our Community / Father's Day Continues
« Latest by Kimber on Today at 05:47:18 AM »
Bookmarking your post, BD. So well put.

I just read through your story. I cannot tell you how many times I found myself nodding in agreement. I am approaching year 4, and while my H does not live at home, he’s been back and forth during the last four years. So many similarities it’s a bit frightening.

I wanted to let you know how encouraging your posts have been. They way you have been able to detach, the lessons you have learned and shared, as well as your own growth has really helped me. I find myself questioning myself many times on why not simply move on? Why am I standing for this man and this marriage? What I do know though, in those moments when H has clarity, there is a wonderful man still in there somewhere. He’s hidden most of the time, but he is there. Who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe I’ll stop standing, but not today.

Also, I read your rockstar and fixer story. That is soooo spot on for us too. H is always needing external validation while I use to spend a lot of time trying to fix stuff. Thankfully I’m not doing that anymore.🙂
Our Community / Father's Day Continues
« Latest by xyzcf on Today at 05:31:49 AM »
So i was listening to Kenda's Facebook Live last night and she said "they seldom return" .  It's not that i have never heard this before.  But it got me to thinking we ALL have heard this before.  Why do so many of us still have hope that the fog will clear??  I realize it will never be the same but one can only hope.

There is always hope. The fine dance we have is to build a life without them and not be "waiting" for the day when they return.

The idea of how many return has been debated many times here and really there is no way of calculating the percentage that return or really any "similarities" in those that do return. Too many variables.

Since I joined HS in May 2010, returns are few and far between.

I had hope because I truly saw us as a couple who had never had any serious problems in our marriage. It was and still is incomprehensible that one day he just told me I had to go. I had hope because he remained in contact and many other things that just never added up.

I have hope still that "nothing is impossible for God".

The fact that is was not just me that he drew away from, but also our daughter allowed me to understand that this was not a marriage issue.

I have hope because of the love I have for him. It has never gone away although I do realize it is love for the man he once was...not this person..yet even this person is still entitled to love, even as he rejects it.

Each of us were in different marriages, each of us have different values and beliefs and so no one should tell us ever that we cannot have hope or that we must "move on" because "they seldom return". Only we can decide for ourselves what and why we continue to have hope and be open to their return.
Our Community / Father's Day Continues
« Latest by barbiedoll on Today at 04:48:03 AM »
they seldom return

Hello 5Hilmerton...just reading along.  Hope you are feeling better very soon.  It is interesting that it has been frequently stated that they often never return. I wonder what it is that makes some return home and others never look back.  My H told me directly ( more than once) that the marriage was over, he had been trying to leave for years and that he would NEVER come back.  He said that once he finally "got out" nothing would ever make him come back . He meant it , as shocking as it was .  Its a blur, I cannot remember if I believed him or not . I think I was in shock-fog.  And he left.

Out of the absolute blue he came to my workplace 3 1/2 months later and was desperate to come home, be forgiven and "fix what he broke".   Why?.  I had 90% no contact with him so wanting to come home was as shocking as wanting to leave.  I have asked him why he came back at all.   His reasons ( to me) are shallow and meaningless in comparison to the tragedy he created for so many. He said he realized he made a huge mistake, that he never really truly wanted to leave (?), that it was all a fantasy (hmmm... a fantasy about having another women? Freedom?) . He swears he had a "mental breakdown" and should have been hospitalized.  He realized how much he loved me apparently .  As I said, no reason changed anything inside of me.

But what I will say is this. Coming back as a man who abandoned his family and his job as protector , head of his family and leader  is hard.  And that everyone knows he was with another women , is the hardest most shame filled thing to face . I believe facing 5 daughters and their tears took super human determination to right your wrongs. I am not sure I could ever ever do that.  I belive many of these men "want" to return but fear, shame, ego and failure keeps them running.  Imagine trying to clean up such a deep tragic mistake?  I can tell you, it is the hardest if not near impossible thing to can never truly be fixed.  What was shocking was clearly my husband had zero " forethought".  Absolutely no insight into what the future will hold if he leaves, has an affair and destroys his family. He never thought about the future whatsoever.  If I do A and B then C will be the consequences is NOT functioning ...everything he did was thru some deep emotional desperation . I KNOW with certaintity that he profoundly  "shocked" himself when he became " that man" ...he became his father. The last thing he ever would aspire to.  He has never waivered in his absolute determination to fix his family...against the most extreme odds.  What they do is so shocking , so saturated in shame as a man and father that few can turn around , face it and try to put it back together.  Even to face their children is too hard for some...many it appears.  I belive this.  It would be interesting to know why some can face their mess and others cannot.  I am not sure I could . It has been devastating for everyone that ever loved him .
Our Community / BRAND NEW MAN 11
« Latest by Watcher on Today at 04:39:42 AM »
Ooh now I read all your posts, albeit somewhat fast. So let's stir up the Hero Spouse hornets nest since I have anger issues Marvin, LMAO....

I have anger because xNas was 100 % OUT OF LINE ! PERIOD ! Maybe xNas is the one with the anger issues since she has a history of stirring the pot over the years just like Anjae did for example. There are a few others of that stirring the pot crew who fake outrage for attention and publicly announce they are leaving the forum like 1,000 times and always come back.

So if or when ShockSis ever comes back then it will be open season on her because I have kept my opinion to myself to date. I will use the Hero Spouse 2×4 which is a code word for abusers. Oh please tell us more about yourself newbies so some of us can whack you over the head with it on a future date.

Or we can delve into the subject of standers, mostly male, who like to date but are keeping the door open for their spouse, just in case you know, because some of us just can't keep it in our pants  ;), lol. Those are my favorites.

I'm sorry. I was already married to a woman who dumped her childhood trauma onto me and no one here has that right to do the same.

Furthermore, I no longer have a polite lid and I will swing back now when I am attacked. Maybe some women here can identify with me. Sometimes when women become assertive they are called b!tches ! So maybe ,just maybe, because I finally pushed back, that means I'm angry.

Yep assertive women are called b!tches and assertive men are angry. In reality its called, I'm done taking anyone's sh!te !

So once again I will remind everyone to keep your projections to yourselves. I am not your deadbeat spouse who abandoned you and your children. I am also not anyone's deadbeat parent.

So of course I cannot share today because I will be labeled as being angry and full of rage.

So I hope some of you have a wonderful day today and I hope it rains like a mother firetrucker all day long for others. I'm talking like a Tsunami type of rain that keeps you stuck in the house for days, 😆.
Our Community / Father's Day Continues
« Latest by 5hilmerton on Today at 03:26:10 AM »
So i was listening to Kenda's Facebook Live last night and she said "they seldom return" .  It's not that i have never heard this before.  But it got me to thinking we ALL have heard this before.  Why do so many of us still have hope that the fog will clear??  I realize it will never be the same but one can only hope.

Last night i dreamt about H cuddling in bed with someone else and my family and i were there present for some reason.  We had the opportunity to let her know that i was his wife of 40 years and they were his children. She was faceless as i have never seen an OW.  Just thought it was odd that my thoughts after Kenda's FB live triggered this dream.
Attaching ... and yes, you linked everything just fine...

Our Community / Love Comes Walking In
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 03:03:58 AM »
Anyway, the new wifey spent this weekend in the county jail on a domestic battery in the presence of minors charge.  Guess the honeymoon is over 🤷‍♀️🙄  Just further proof that these relationships aren't worth the lies and cheating they are built on.  They may do their damnest to convince everyone around them they are living the dream, but in reality it is a trailer trash filled,  B movie, at best.

Living the dream?  More like "Nightmare on Elm Street" if you ask me...

Our Community / Stronger Now In Broken Places
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 02:51:19 AM »
I was in the Navy for 10 years.... I was on the ship when this picture was taken

Our Community / New chapter please
« Latest by hopeandfaith on May 05, 2021, 11:46:21 PM »
Hopefully practice makes perfect KIT!!  I will keep practicing and let you know if I ever get near perfect.  I think my post from early April was a good example of how I slip up every now and then and what happens when I do.  I have to keep reminding myself that I can't really go to him when I am feeling needy.  Except if there is something to clear up. That's not really needy though.  It comes from a less whiny place!

For example, recently I was trying to reduce my digital footprint a bit and wondered if I could block ow on my LinkedIn account.  I had a couple of anonymous views and I thought it might be her - not that it really concerns me.  Anyway, the instructions told me to go onto the person's page and block them from there.  I didn't want to do that in case it left my footprint on her page so I went on the H's page to see how it might look if I were to do it.  Since I am a tech-tard, I accidentally sent him a request to connect.  I kinda thought we were already connected and then saw that he only had 1 connection and it wasn't me.  This was a trigger because H had told me about 12 moths ago that he had used Linkedin to contact her when she had blocked him on the phone.

So, when H got home, I told him what I had been doing and that I had noticed he only had 1 connection.  I asked who it was.  It turned out to be another male friend who had asked to connect with H months earlier and he had accepted because he didn't want to be rude.  He went to his phone and opened it all up to verify this in front of me.  Otherwise, he doesn't use Linkedin and decided to delete it off his phone there and then (the app anyway)  I am not sure that he knows that his account is still open because he is a bit of a tech-tard too. 

What seemed important to me was his response to the question.  He was almost tripping over himself to help me "oooh, oooh,  I know the answer to this one  ;D"  Totally different vibe from when he has had something to hide in the past. 

Roo, maybe we are growing up too.  Peaceful conversations are definitely something to be proud of.

That trip that I have planned this weekend might be buggered by COVID  ::)  H has already decided that if I am not going, he is not going.  He has an operational spin he can put on it so I still might not need to put my big girl pants on.  Fingers crossed !!

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