Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story BRAND NEW MAN 11

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3385
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: BRAND NEW MAN 11
#130: May 03, 2021, 05:19:48 PM
Since she did not need permission to take them to FL, doesn´t seem likely that you need permission to take them on vacation. Oh she´s a hot mess. If S18 has a savior bent, counseling could alleviate him of that burden. You ARE ahead with the divorce behind you as as soon as the house sells, you are no longer beholden to communication with her. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
  • Logged
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23622
  • Gender: Female
Re: BRAND NEW MAN 11
#131: May 03, 2021, 05:59:56 PM
Oh Watcher I can so relate to what you said.

Those of us who had been married 20/30 years... how do we go from being married for so much of our life to being divorced?  How do we adjust to that?

It's very hard and very foreign to us.  It's not anything we would have chosen to have to deal with, but here we are.

I suppose it just takes time...maybe a lot of time to heal from.  Like any traumatic event we go though.

I do think sometimes a person can benefit from some kind of trauma therapy for awhile to get one through this, and there should be no shame in that. I don't believe a regular IC has the training for this.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4153
  • Gender: Female
BRAND NEW MAN 11
#132: May 03, 2021, 07:43:04 PM
How is your new heart meter wristlet working out? Is it better, worse, or just a different thing?

You said:
You know. I know how to be married. I don't know how to be divorced. I know I'm fighting myself. In both scenarios I'm expected to provide in the same exact role but I question what divorce has given me. Yea thats what I think about at Kickboxing.
I don't think I understand, and it's OK if anyone else answers me. I didn't expect myself to provide in the same exact role to my XH, but I did expect to do so to my kids, because, hey, not their fault. I didn't really look at it as the divorce "giving" me anything, but I DID take back things for myself. Like your kickboxing is for you, and your running and hiking are for you. What I'm trying to understand is whether someone else expected you to provide in the same role for your XW, which you were not beholden to do but you felt like you should, or whether you expected you to provide in the same exact role? Are you saying that's the role you know, so don't know how to do something different?

I didn't stop taking my son to school (not cheap with the price of gasoline), or paying for his extra curriculars, or paying for my daughter for college, but I sure as heck stopped paying for XH's car insurance, health insurance, doing his laundry, specifically making his meals, etc while he was living here (though if there was enough and he was here, I'd offer what we had). I paid the bills because otherwise they would not get paid. He was a bug in a terrarium.

It's still so fresh for you right now, and there is still more you have to deal with. Are you maybe overwhelmed with not only what there is to do, but what you will do when it is all done?


  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10887
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
BRAND NEW MAN 11
#133: May 04, 2021, 01:21:36 AM
Quote from: Watcher
I was enjoying the 17 weeks of interaction with both son's but she has sort of set us back once again. I know what I have to do. I just don't like that I'm in this situation.

Boy can I relate to this!  The situation that we find ourselves in is NOT one that we would choose or want but darned if we don't find ourselves tossed into it anyway, right? Like into a lake with concrete overshoes....  ::)

I know that I am taking a MUCH different tack with S14/D10 and xW2 than I did with xW1 and D30, partly because I am only 20 minutes away (instead of 20 hours) and because my experience with D30 was that we have barely any R now due to the shenanigans of xW1. I also did just about anything and everything to avoid communicating with xW1 because it was either, as you describe, trying to communicate with a vacuum cleaner determined to suck the very life out of me or a rabid Godzilla trying to stomp the life out of me.... D30 paid the price of that and it has taken until recently that we have any sort of R at all.

I hope that both your boys can break free of psycho-mommy and see that you are his best option for the future. S18 though can't save S20 and, as FTT noted, it is not his job to save S20... just like it isn't YOUR job. Being there and available is the best that you can do. S20 will also have to make his own choices as life moves forward and, as a parent, we can only sit by and watch.

When D30 moved to Oregon on her own choice, I was there to offer advice if I was asked and to be supportive (it IS, after all, her life and if she feels better there, then I'm all for it) to the extent I could be (considering I live practically on the other side of the world) and that helped to break down some of the walls....
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

W
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5183
  • Gender: Male
BRAND NEW MAN 11
#134: May 04, 2021, 03:07:35 AM
I was thinking last night I meant to say I dont know how to communicate now with her since we are divorced and I have been in preferred NC. However, as it was explained to me yesterday by my attorney, her and I need to have communication.

Its been a process. While standing there is always hope so I really didn't have an issue with communication since I was standing.

Then when I filed for divorce I had an attorney who communicated for me. Like when she informed me they were on vacation I could have replied but chose to stay in NC.

For example there are a few items in the MSA that she has to give me but I have not asked her for them yet. So I can't complain if she doesn't give them to me if I don't ask.

That was basically what my attorney was telling me yesterday. Yes we talked about the buyout in late Feb and early March only because she was asking for my mortgage statement.

So I sent the text message to her yesterday knowing that this is now a communication dance as I need to always establish a paper trail for proof just like she does with me.

There is a protocol for selling the home and there are a series of steps that need to be taken before a motion can be filed. For example, my next text reminder to her was not going to be until next Monday just to see which realtor she liked or if she has found one of her own.

I notice this morning she texted me last night asking if I could give her more time to put her buyout together. I replied this morning "yes" because I know there is a protocol and timeframe to be followed.

The court is not going to throw her out of the house. It is going to be an orderly transition and I have to show that I have a history of talking to her about the sale etc....

I would prefer to never speak to her again as its just a weird feeling to deal with such an indifferent person.

And yes it is absolutely a different feeling when you have been thrown out of your family. Remember I was not just thrown out of a marriage. I was stripped from being a father and alienated. Even under normal circumstances its not going to be the same feeling for the parent or spouse who has to leave the marriage/house/family so I don't have to be perfect while posting.

Some people have to deal with multiple traumas after BD that are more than just losing a spouse. Some people are forced to leave their homes, I'm not the only one, some people are alienated from their children, like me, some people even have to give up their pets.

Then a crazy attorney says one day that you have to communicate with the person who caused all your pain and suffering like nothing ever happened, lol.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11045
  • Gender: Female
BRAND NEW MAN 11
#135: May 04, 2021, 04:35:29 AM
Yes, the legal process has its own ‘rules,, sure enough. Tbh unravelling oneself from an old life is just not easy is it?

How much ‘more time’ are you able/prepared to give her, Watcher? (I’m assuming that your xw would take as much as you’d give, years probably  ::) ) iirc some practical things are contingent on the sale so you can’t do x or y until you no longer own part of the house? Or do you need your share of the money? Or just not being liable for the mortgage? Or is it just messy unfinished business that doesn't practically prevent you from moving forward with plans of your own?

We do get it, Watcher - it is one hell of a trauma to have a spouse take a flamethrower to so much of your life and to find oneself often pretty powerless to do much about it. I think I have said before that - whatever the reasons - I often see your xw as a spider with a big self-serving web wrapped around you and your sons. And I guess figuring out what you need to cut yourself free from the web just takes time and a bit of trial and error once you decide that you want to be free of it. Perhaps NC limits the damage from extra threads or abuse but doesn’t necessarily free us from the web? Idk.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: May 04, 2021, 04:49:32 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

W
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5183
  • Gender: Male
BRAND NEW MAN 11
#136: May 04, 2021, 05:23:08 AM
Hi Treasur, FTT, Thunder, UrsaMajor, OffRoad.

I responded this morning with a simple yes to her request for more time and put her back on block status. This way I can look at the folder for messages at night for example or whenever because she will text me all day long if I continue to engage her.

I'm not necessarily giving her a timeframe as I'm more interested in just presenting my attorney with a timeline of my cooperation. The fact that the deadline was March 15th and I didn't contact her until May 3rd should already demonstrate to the court that I am not pushing her out.

Meanwhile I haven't even spoken to my attorney since Dec 23rd so now I have communication open with all the necessary parties as we need to sell this house.

So I will reach out to her in 2 weeks to ask how the refi is going and whether she has found any realtors in our area. This way I just check a box that I am communicating with her. However, I'm sure she will contact me in the interim but at least I will be able to present my attorney with dates and such where we discussed this home issue.

I do not need the equity from the home to find my own place to live. However, the equity is needed to pay the school tuition.

Now the mortgage payment and the support payments are relatively equal. Her mortgage or new rent payment is going to be much higher than her support assistance. So that is why she wants to keep our current arrangement.

I've already been paying the mortgage since BD so I'm already used to making support payments and they are not going to increase once the house is sold.

In a perfect world I would prefer for our son's to remain in NJ where I can continue to have contact with them. So maybe she should go talk to her attorney if she cannot refi the house to see if something can be worked out.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thank you
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10887
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
BRAND NEW MAN 11
#137: May 04, 2021, 06:54:11 AM
Some people have to deal with multiple traumas after BD that are more than just losing a spouse. Some people are forced to leave their homes, I'm not the only one, some people are alienated from their children, like me, some people even have to give up their pets.

Then a crazy attorney says one day that you have to communicate with the person who caused all your pain and suffering like nothing ever happened, lol.

Exactly.... and have to do it in a way that shows the entire world that WE are NOT the sick, dumb, bad, and crazy person the Mid-Lifer has made us out to be.... Meanwhile still taking the hits from the poisonous Mid-Lifer spew...
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4153
  • Gender: Female
BRAND NEW MAN 11
#138: May 04, 2021, 09:37:51 AM
That all makes perfect sense, now I get it. As long as you lay everything on the table, communication wise, then no one can say you were not reasonable or not trying. But communicating with someone who only cares about their needs and nothing about yours, or even your sons, is extremely difficult and you probably have to use words of one syllable or les, and in excruciating detail, to make it known that you can't pay the tuition until the house sells because you need your half of the equity to pay it. There us an unspoken "therefore, no you will not entertain your XW paying off the house equity to you in payments so she can keep the house" that then might have to be spoken.

Man, do I get that. It took a very AFTER my divorce for xh to sign over the house, even though he was legally bound to do it because I gave up my half of the retirement in exchange. He just stalled and stalled and was such a jerk at the time he finally did it (he wanted to buy his own house and couldn't because he was still on the loan), the people in the bank had the guard move to right next to us.

I hope it all gets worked out soon.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

W
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5183
  • Gender: Male
BRAND NEW MAN 11
#139: Today at 04:39:42 AM
Ooh now I read all your posts, albeit somewhat fast. So let's stir up the Hero Spouse hornets nest since I have anger issues Marvin, LMAO....

I have anger because xNas was 100 % OUT OF LINE ! PERIOD ! Maybe xNas is the one with the anger issues since she has a history of stirring the pot over the years just like Anjae did for example. There are a few others of that stirring the pot crew who fake outrage for attention and publicly announce they are leaving the forum like 1,000 times and always come back.

So if or when ShockSis ever comes back then it will be open season on her because I have kept my opinion to myself to date. I will use the Hero Spouse 2×4 which is a code word for abusers. Oh please tell us more about yourself newbies so some of us can whack you over the head with it on a future date.

Or we can delve into the subject of standers, mostly male, who like to date but are keeping the door open for their spouse, just in case you know, because some of us just can't keep it in our pants  ;), lol. Those are my favorites.

I'm sorry. I was already married to a woman who dumped her childhood trauma onto me and no one here has that right to do the same.

Furthermore, I no longer have a polite lid and I will swing back now when I am attacked. Maybe some women here can identify with me. Sometimes when women become assertive they are called b!tches ! So maybe ,just maybe, because I finally pushed back, that means I'm angry.

Yep assertive women are called b!tches and assertive men are angry. In reality its called, I'm done taking anyone's sh!te !

So once again I will remind everyone to keep your projections to yourselves. I am not your deadbeat spouse who abandoned you and your children. I am also not anyone's deadbeat parent.

So of course I cannot share today because I will be labeled as being angry and full of rage.

So I hope some of you have a wonderful day today and I hope it rains like a mother firetrucker all day long for others. I'm talking like a Tsunami type of rain that keeps you stuck in the house for days, 😆.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: Today at 04:53:26 AM by Watcher »

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.