[in it]

I really don't want to buy the men are "dense" stuff either. Maybe all you could do is explain it to him like this:

 How would you feel if our roles were reversed I had the affair and I was giving some guy a ride home and didn't say anything about doing that? 

Hard for them to have any empathy when they did not go through it. Your trust has been shattered and it's really hard for me to understand how he doesn't get that. That's what this is mostly about is trust and that's a really long road after what's gone on.

[JoJoJo]

Are you still doing counselling together and on your own? Are you glad you took him back?

Limbo-  yes still seeing our couples therapist monthly now. I have yet to find someone for myself that I like enough to continue but so far so good at managing my emotions on my own. 


I want to thank you all who are reading and encouraging me along this journey. 

Today is a milestone....3 years ago 2/2/2017 I found out about the affair!  Very proud of how far we have come but still feel devastated and angry that it ever happened.  I know I am emotionally better three years out than I was 2 years or a year out but man it freaking sucks! 

I don’t know if H knows what day it is or if he is ignoring it.  His M.O. is avoidance when situations are uncomfortable!  He hates conflict.  Today is the Super Bowl and he has invited a few friends over to watch the game.  I am feeling less than enthusiastic about this so he can do the prep and cleaning to host his crowd. 

My job is stressful.  Being promoted unexpectedly last year from a teaching assistant (para pro) to a teacher was exciting but it is stressful to have to plan and document my lessons plus grading!  Ugh!  Money is nice...my take home pay literally tripled...but I feel exhausted half the time.  I just need to organize myself! 

Well wish me luck making it through today!  I know when this date has passed I feel less stress.  It’s been between Christmas and February 2nd that I am on edge and emotionally fragile.  But less each year so that is good. I can’t wait til one day it’s February 2nd and it doesn’t even register in my brain....that probably won’t ever happen but I can dream!  Doesn’t help that it is Groundhog’s Day too so that is always a blurb on the news or in the schools bc I am an elementary school teacher.

Anyway thank you again for being there to read and encourage me! 

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

First of congratulations on becoming an elementary teacher. I taught for over 11 years myself. I taught fourth, first, second, and subbed every position from K-6 to special education.

Now as a superintendent, I am at the top of my game and realize I don't know that much!

Today is a milestone....3 years ago 2/2/2017 I found out about the affair!

That was a milestone for me as well. My new wife and I went to the courthouse to get married. Ours was in 2018. We had to get married to qualify for our home loan. Just about to celebrate two years in our home.

His M.O. is avoidance when situations are uncomfortable!  He hates conflict. 

In my opinion, this needs to be addressed. My ex and I were both hated conflict and the avoidance led to burying issues. By the time we were in counseling there was so much in the attic, it was impossible to clear it. You need to bring up issues and work on them as a couple. Conflict and the process of how you resolve the conflict will either bring you closer or further apart.

In my current situation, we have our disagreements and our fights, but we attack the issue- not each other. It allows the pressure to be let out without having to mask and pretend that we are just a happy , loving couple 24/7.

It’s been between Christmas and February 2nd that I am on edge and emotionally fragile.  But less each year so that is good. I can’t wait til one day it’s February 2nd and it doesn’t even register in my brain....that probably won’t ever happen but I can dream!

It will take time, but don't worry.....with communication and counseling, you can reach acceptance first and hopefully forgiveness later. It won't happen overnight, but with time, you will get there.

Enjoy the Superbowl and (((((Hugs)))))

Ready

[Slow Fade]

I am so glad we are working through all this but wow reconciliation is hard! 

 I was reading your post and nodding my head all the way through it. We are 6 years post reconnecting-re-conciliating and there are still triggers. The pottery of our marriage has been glued back together but there are still cracks and chips.

 

[JoJoJo]

Ok so yesterday I got a text in the morning that simply said "I love you "

Then in our family text thread he asked if we all wanted to go do something as a family....dinner and a movie....something....we decided to go to a local restaurant that had trivia night. 

When I got home from work he had just gotten home and he bought me a bouquet of flowers that he arranged in a vase and later at bedtime brought the vase up to our room! 

So I think he is trying to acknowledge that we just made it through February 2nd without saying it out loud....
I think tonight I will bring it up so we can discuss.  Hate that he is so weird about addressing anything that has even the slightest hint of conflict.

[Treasur]

Or
You could just both have a night of peace and enjoy the flowers.
Sometimes words are not everything. Sometimes words get in the way.
Just an idea.....

[barbiedoll]

Hate that he is so weird about addressing anything that has even the slightest hint of conflict.

.

I also have a man like this. ANY remote possibility that there may be an issue or a conflict...and he is gone into his turtle-shell. It makes resolving any issues almost impossible . He is very aware of this and is "working" on it. I found it very interesting a remark from our therapist that I had NO IDEA about. When I have a "trigger" that I can not manage, I am loud, crying, attacking , swearing ( yep..I am) . When he is "triggered " he shuts-down, retreats, avoids. She made a comment that at this point he triggered more than I did. I would not have seen his shut down as a reaction to a  trigger. As a child there was lots of conflict in his life...trust me, he would never had spoken back to his father. He was silent, looked for an escape and tried to hide. In many many ways, this is his behavior as an adult . Apparrently this shut-down reaction is involuntary. That is very hard to believe .

[strawberry]

I’m going to second Treasur here.  Unless you absolutely feel the need to talk about it, why not let the actions speak for themself?  We all talk about live languages and words are not for everyone.  Sometimes gifts and acts of service take the place of words.

I’m glad he recognized the date because it was on your mind.  I doubt mine knows the date of that fateful accidental text that blew up his, my, and his OW’s world.  It’s a date I will never forget though.  I’m trying to put less importance on the date.  It’s just a day.  I don’t want to celebrate or mourn it.  I want to move past it.

[strawberry]

I’m going to second Treasur here.  Unless you absolutely feel the need to talk about it, why not let the actions speak for themself?  We all talk about live languages and words are not for everyone.  Sometimes gifts and acts of service take the place of words.

I’m glad he recognized the date because it was on your mind.  I doubt mine knows the date of that fateful accidental text that blew up his, my, and his OW’s world.  It’s a date I will never forget though.  I’m trying to put less importance on the date.  It’s just a day.  I don’t want to celebrate or mourn it.  I want to move past it.

[Thunder]

I third what Treasur said, at least for now. 
If it still bothers you after a few days, then bring it up.

Jo I just wanted to say, and don't think men are exactly dense, but I do feel they can be when a woman is getting too personal or familiar.  I doubt he thought anything of giving her a ride, but the fact that she called him for a second ride should have been seen as too personal.  Ok, he did her a favor, but she now needs to know he has no intentions of giving her rides anywhere, anymore.  I bet she got the message loud and clear.  He is a married man, call an Uber!

I hope things keep getting better and better for you two and I hope you had an enjoyable evening.

Hugs