[JoJoJo]

This weekend we had a 2 1/2 hour WHOLE FAMILY therapy session.  This was in response to my S15's breakdown the other weekend.  He went and had individual sessions with our therapist and the idea was we would all came together for a family session so S15 could address his issues with everyone.  So there we are, all six of us and the therapist in the office.  Wow.....I am glad I didn't cheat on H....bc the true feelings of our children would have crushed me.  It was a great session.  They expressed their anger, betrayal, and disappointment.  He was able to apologize to them.  I was able to apologize for the fact that after finding out I was a shell of mother to them for quite sometime.  We all talked, they all agreed that as horrible as this situation was, we are closer and stronger as a family because of it.  I think it was good for everyone.  Still lots of healing to do but really we are on our way.  H and I had our own therapy session scheduled for two weeks from now and the kids all expressed interest in doing another whole family session. So in two weeks we will all  go back.  Talk about all the feelings and how to make things better.  This is just so exhausting but super important.  Really even if there is not affair to get over, sitting down and talking and being guided by a professional is amazing to help with family communication.  I will tell you.....I miss my easy life with a 5, 6, 9 and 11 year old.....this 15, 16, 19 and 21 year old parenting is a new ball game!  And add H's affair and us almost getting divorced into that mix!  Wow!  So many feelings!  But the good thing, we are on the right track. We aren't perfect.....but we are doing pretty good.  Just wanted to share!

[JoJoJo]

Just checking in....looking to get some feelings out of my head. 
So still doing monthly family therapy sessions.  Those are going well....I think very positive for the family to be able to share in a safe space with our therapist there to guide us.  No major breakthroughs or any life changing moments but just healthy communication.  That’s hard with the kids at 15, 17, 19 and 21...but they are willingly no complaints going to sessions!  Makes me happy!

Quarantine has been ok...got a few home projects done (painting the deck, hiring someone to clean the gutters and pressure wash the house) now we have moved to new landscaping out front of the house.  Hopefully that project gets started and finished soon, we are hiring someone bc it’s back breaking work...maybe a week or two and it will look nice out there! 

With Coronavirus H had to close his office for a month.  He did get some unemployment and he owns his own business so he did qualify for government relief to keep the business’s bills paid.   Lately he has pushed more for me to be involved with his office.  He has had me go along with him to the office while he is working on a case, having me do some of the accounting entries in QuickBooks.  I have seen the statements for the office American Express and it’s nice knowing that it is all on the up and up as real business expenses.  I saw the statements back during divorce proceedings...OW was having a field day with that card every month! 

Now to take some time to work on me...signed up for this free class through Yale.  https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being
A few neighbors are doing it as well so we can discuss the lectures and our thoughts.  I have issues with follow through so I need to complete this, no excuses! 

[barbiedoll]

I am happy to read things are going along as smoothly as possible. You have a lot of kids with things to "say" and I think you are so blessed that they will all participate !  How good is that ?  This virus and lockdowns just add to so many situations that are already hard ..another layer of uncertainty .  You sound like you are in charge of your ship and I like that .  Not saying there are not hard times, I am sure there is, but you sound calm .

I do thank you for the link. I think you read my mind and my own struggles . I am also going to do it . I appreciate you sharing .

[Milly]

Thanks for the update, Jojo. I'm going to check out the course you've suggested. Hope things carry on going well at home.

[JoJoJo]

So I started listening to a podcast "Healing Broken Trust" with Brad and Morgan Robinson.  It has really been so helpful.  So many things I already knew but I feel like HEARING it, rather than reading it, really helps me digest it and maybe even BELIEVE IT.  Hearing another human being tell me that H's affair had less to do with me and more to do with him....brought me to tears!  Hearing him describe typical personality types that 100% fit both me and my H and how we handled conflict (or didn't handle conflict) really made SO MUCH SENSE.  My H was seriously "ripe for the picking" when it came to the OW.   And Brad really seems to be well versed and know his stuff.  His wife kind of asks him questions and tries to understand what he is saying, sort of clarifying what he is telling his audience.  I don't know, I just really found this to be a source of healing for me.

There is a website too, www.healingbrokentrust.com but that seems so be lots of stuff for sale.  The podcast was just on my iPhone podcasts and didn't cost anything. 

I just found this to be a good resource and wanted to share if anyone is reading my story.  I am struggling with getting stuck in this recovery.  I know we are moving forward, I know we have come a LONG way....but I still have those moments that I am in tears and obsess about HOW DID THIS HAPPEN, I have these moments of anger, I have these moments of self hatred.  Little by little I am healing though....so far it has been a 3 year process since we decided to stay together and work through it all. 

[barbiedoll]

  I am struggling with getting stuck in this recovery.  I know we are moving forward, I know we have come a LONG way....but I still have those moments that I am in tears and obsess about HOW DID THIS HAPPEN, I have these moments of anger, I have these moments of self hatred.  Little by little I am healing though....so far it has been a 3 year process since we decided to stay together and work through it all. 

.

I understand. I feel "stuck" as well . There are times I am content and it is going to be OK. Other times, I cannot believe how much hurt is still inside of me. I still feel sensations of "shock and disbelief" , I really do . I find it interesting that you experience "self-hatred" . I have to say that I also have felt times of intense self hatred. Any idea why??   I just cannot figure out why I would ever feel self hatred.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[Milly]

Jojo, thanks for sharing the podcast. I am going to listen to it, I need reassurance about the affair not being about me, too.

[JoJoJo]

I find it interesting that you experience "self-hatred" . I have to say that I also have felt times of intense self hatred. Any idea why??   I just cannot figure out why I would ever feel self hatred.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

So I think my feelings of self hatred stem from the gas lighting that H did to convince me the problem was ME....the disconnect was me and I needed to fix myself.  He had nothing wrong with him....he was fine.  He now says looking back he didn’t want to admit that he was closed off and he had issues, it was easier to blame me.  He says he really thought if I fixed myself then things would be better.  But he’s realized we BOTH had issues to face and he never should have focused on my faults. 

Another thing I get mad at myself is the stupidity.  OW was a blatant skank.  Stereotypical!  The heels 👠, bleach blonde, self promoter, that vocal fry voice, tight clothes....so many people I know who went to his office as a patient commented to me about “that front desk girl” with the “watch your husband around her” comments.  I guess I just trusted H bc he’s not a “ladies’ man” but I mean honestly she worked there for 10 years...you’d think I would have listened to someone!  I read my stuff here and over and over as I described my situation  people told me “there is an OW” and I brushed it off.  Like I was knew better....he’d never do that TO ME! First off I am an awesome wife, people love me, I think I am pretty cute, and I kept him happy in bed.   Ummm it still happened so yeah Jojo you aren’t THAT special! 

But I need to stop that, putting myself down.  We went to the beach with H’s family the first week of June.  I was sitting with my sister in law and she was asking how I feel.  I told her how I am trying to focus on the positive and where H and are going rather than the past.  I said honestly on Mother’s Day I realized after our family get together that it was the first time I can recall not standing among our family thinking “here I am...the loser that got cheated on”.  My sister in law immediately said she had no idea I had ever thought that way....and she assured me all she ever thought was “there’s my brother, the loser who cheated on his wife”!  Eye opening to hear that perspective!  Now obviously she’s moved forward and applauds the act of humbling himself and work her brother has done to fix his mistakes but she said it was never that I was the loser....

[barbiedoll]

Word for word , I have experienced all that you mention. I have felt very uncomfortable at times around family or at gatherings ( even around my own daughters) because I too am the " looser that was cheated on".  Isn't that awful??   Nothing in this world should make me feel like that ..nothing. And yet it has happened many times.  Another unexpected emotional response to being cheated on. I have told my therapist and my husband that I have extreme feelings of no longer "belonging or fitting in".  I would isolate from people all together if I stop trying...mostly want to be alone. People ( LBS) really and truly have no idea the emotions they have to face if/when they attempt to reconcile. Never did I imagine I would feel self-hatred, a total and complete loss of self esteem, feelings of not belonging anymore, constant need to isolate, feeling "ugly",  over-reacting to "dirty jokes" or comments made by friends in fun, feeling like everyone has "secrets" and I am left out ...I could go on. I never realized how difficult , how extreme I can react, how painful this is or for how long.

I am not sure where/why I feel surges of self-hatred. I have even said it out loud ( to my husband) and just shocked myself when that came out of my mouth in a moment of fury.  Maybe it is a result of gaslighting and the feelings of "stupid" or humiliation...I am not sure . I will talk with my therapist specifically about this and I will let you know what she thinks.  Sometimes I am angry at myself for chatting with OW and family members while they knew my husband was having an affair and I did not . However, how could I EVER EVER had known that???  I likely would have had doubts my husband would ever have touched this OW-cow...even IF someone told me . She has a very long history of nasty...he is one of a long line of stupid men. 

My sister in law immediately said she had no idea I had ever thought that way....and she assured me all she ever thought was “there’s my brother, the loser who cheated on his wife”!  Eye opening to hear that perspective!  Now obviously she’s moved forward and applauds the act of humbling himself and work her brother has done to fix his mistakes but she said it was never that I was the loser....

I do believe we are hard on our selves …and yet it is very hard to stop. I have felt very judged as the "poor little wife that kept the cheater because  she could not make it on her own".  That is far from the truth, but only I know that. Your sister-in-law likely speaks the truth . 

[JoJoJo]

It’s been awhile since I have been here!  Just a quick check in to say we just celebrated 24 years of marriage.  It was a very nice weekend although I have been a crazy mess with lesson planning since school is back in session but virtually.  Had to throw my normal lessons out the window...I teach elementary school computer lab and they come in to my class and we all have the same computers, software, printers etc...  Now they are at home and some are on laptops, some iPads, some desktops....it’s been a crazy challenge!  Our anniversary weekend I seriously was ready to quit my job bc this is so difficult!  But I made it through.  H has been super supportive and very kind.  He is working super hard at building his business with goals of us having a nice life in retirement.  That’s been reassuring and good to hear him planning for our future.  I started walking the dogs 3 to 4 miles regularly since the vet said our one pup needed to drop a pound!  Happy to announce he went from 18 lbs to 16.8!  Woot woot!  And I have gotten myself up to the upper end of healthy weight for my height and I have lost about 6 lbs with the dog walking!  So that is good! 
We are still in therapy and have monthly family sessions.  H has heard about his “selfish” side from everyone in the family in one way or another and they have all said how they see him not making mom or family a priority.  He has taken it to heart and really has worked on having a better connection and not tuning all of us out.  So that has been good!
Not sure what else there is to share....things are progressing nicely in our little corner of the world!  Wishing everyone here the same!  I know how bad things can feel!  I try to appreciate all the good I have going!