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1
Our Community / Husband went south
« Latest by Treasur on Today at 02:06:47 AM »
Others will come along in support, sunshine, but you sound as if you have done a lot of the smart things one can do when this s&it happens. Still, I can hear your underlying sense of shock....we get it and many of us have been in similar shoes.

Turning to your question, yes, not uncommon at all. Less common with OM, but ow seem to fall broadly into two types....needy waifs to rescue or drama queen harpies. Not uncommon either sadly for ow to extend the drama or try to control the situation by contacting the LBS, family members or kids. Sorry. If it continues, you may need to contact police or lawyers and get a restraining order. Important to remember that just bc this ow is in your h’s life does not mean she has to be in yours.....and please remember, sadly, your h’s words are pretty worthless right now, so you cannot rely on him to ‘protect’ you from WTFcrazy or prioritise you or your family. Do what you need to do to protect yourself whatever your h thinks or says. You may want to take legal advice if you have not already done so.

Why? Disordered folks do seem to ‘Affair down’ pretty consistently eg they look for someone ‘worse’ than them to make them feel better about themselves. And your instinct is probably right that he likes the drama, perhaps both of them believing drama is a sign of ‘passion’. Still not your circus, of course....and life will start to get easier and less crazy as you separate out what you can control and what is simply not your responsibility anymore.
2
Our Community / Ready for 2020 A Decade after Bomb Drop
« Latest by sachat3 on Today at 02:06:01 AM »
Yay! Well done ready. I’m so happy for you!
3
Our Community / Thanks for Listening and Existing
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 01:38:09 AM »
That's his problem now, UrsaM.

A long with a LOT of problems up there. The bark beatles we discovered killing trees, the chipping paint, the two window that need replacing, the renovations that desperately need doing, the deck that needs redoing....it stresses me out typing it.  :D

All his baby now. Maybe suspected OW can help.

As you said, his circus, his monkeys. Now that you are free and clear of that nonsense, you can go on and live your best life, no matter what he chooses to do with his...

Pine bark beetles?  :o
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Our Community / Continued adventures without Harold Hill
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 01:04:32 AM »
OW enjoyed all the prestige and attention that came with his high position.  Now she's just another wife of just another guy with just another job, and one with long hours and lots of travel.  This isn't what she signed up for either.  But I don't feel bad for her . . .

Not to be vindictive or anything but...



Well, this is where the "for better or for worse" part comes into play.... I wonder how that is going to work out...
5
Our Community / The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 12:24:56 AM »
I also could relate to the trust issues with myself when I was being gaslit and brushed it off and believed him.  My brothers used to call me gullible and I thought that ended after childhood, but gullible and naive apparently are appropriate adjectives for me.

Join the crowd.... I always believe everyone is good until proven otherwise... and sometimes it takes WAY too much proof...
6
Our Community / Cleaning Out the Garage
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 12:23:35 AM »
DF,

Sometimes we outgrow our "Faith Communities," especially when we are confronted with the blatant heresy (Do what I say, not what I do) in their actions as opposed to their words. I had a similar experience in some ways that left me "unchurched" for several years. I did a fair amount of "church shopping" until I found a place that not only welcomed me as a person but also encouraged me (and still encourages me) to grow as a spiritual human being.

Just because you've found that you were actually playing int he proverbial vipers den, there are other faith communities out there that will be a better fit, that don't have SPQ's lurking about, that are not turning a blind eye to her kind of behaviour. It may take some time but you'll find one again.

Treasur said it best:
Quote from: Treasur
God imho may embrace sinners, but he tends to have some bits in there about contrition, sinning no more and the humility of trying to make some amends if I remember rightly  ::)....and as a person of faith, I suspect that God applauds a bit of honest self care and a desire for peace in your heart and life :)
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Our Community / Stronger Now In Broken Places
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 12:13:08 AM »
What kind of R do you have with xMIL? Do you "normally" visit if you are in the area?  How do they feel about xH's shenanigans? Or is it really more about the Grandkids only?

I guess there are just as many reasons for you to not let her know as there are to let her know so...
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Our Community / My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Latest by sachat3 on Today at 12:05:14 AM »
I think a lot of the time, we’re second best but it’s not something we should take personally. Doesn’t change our worth. Does not change anything about us, we’re still the amazing people we always were
9
Hmmm.

After BD: What happened? Why did this happen? I wanted to understand.

After some perceived growth (not sure it really was): He's still living at home and being nice. I want to fix this, so I will work on me. All those things he said might be true. (I had no idea he was lying. About everything. That was not my reality growing up)

After some real growth: Watching him like a bug in a terrarium. He's not the man I know and I don't even like this guy. I have not done any of the things he has accused me of. I don't want this guy back.

After a little more growth: Whatever happened cannot be changed. This is what is. What he currently is is not for me. I do not, however, discount that whoever he becomes might not be someone I want in my life.

Now: My concerns are for my children thinking that this breakup was "normal" and that it happens to "everyone", though I know I cannot control them. We have had chats about what is, IMO, the proper ways to leave a relationship depending on the circumstances and keeping your honor, integrity, loyalty and morals intact, that this does not happen to everyone or even have to happen to anyone if a person is willing to get themselves some help, that there is a subset of people for whom this will happen no matter what. We have had chats at their instigation that anything their father owns will likely never be inherited by either child and they can't control that, either. They get to have whatever relation ship with their father that they choose to have.  For me, I don't want or need a broken person in  my life that wants me to fix them or needs me to worship them to feel good about themselves. I have no desire to have any kind of relationship with someone who wants to gaslight me, lie to me, lie about me, cheat on me, steal from me, verbally abuse me and/ or abandon me. Anyone who would try  to sweep poor actions under the rug is not for me either. If some miracle happens and XH seeks help for himself and finds remorse for his actions, I don't rule out that he might be a person I could talk with again, but he would not get to come back Carte Blanche, nor would I be one to just chat with someone who acted as though everything was normal after everything visited upon me. I wouldn't choose that as a friend, after all, and I would not want to teach him that that behavior is OK with me. It's not. If he called and were stranded on the side of the road, I would go get him, but I'd do that for most anyone I know. I hope he some day finds a true peace that does not come from someone else's opinion and figures out who he really is without the external accoutrements. I am content without a significant other, though open to anyone who might walk into my life and have the qualities I now require from a relationship (friend, lover or otherwise), but I DO require basic graciousness, courtesy, honesty, transparency and ownership of actions at a minimum.

IMO, there is no Journey's end, and especially for those of us with shared children. How can their be a finish line when there still is life to finish? Or maybe I'm the odd one who will not forget what just happened. The results of this part of my journey are forever part of who I am, just as everything else that has happened in my life shapes who I am. Does one get married to the perfect person and "forget" everything that came before? Do they reconcile and "forget" all that came before? Do they live their own happily ever after life without a significant other and "forget" everything that came before? If they do, then I am just cursed with a memory that doesn't forget. Such is life, but for me, no end. Just another point on my trek through life.
10
I feel like my journey has pretty much reached its end point, but I'll offer my thoughts here.

Initially -- I want it back at any cost.  I will pretend that the affair didn't happen just to go back to normal.

Within a year -- I want it back, but he needs to work on himself and show contrition so that can happen.  My desire for reconnection is conditional and I'm not willing to forget the affair.

Later -- He is not a healthy person.  I do not want him back the way he is.  If he can find it in himself to face his demons, I'll reconnect, and I still hope he does.

Eventually -- I am not sure if I want him back anymore.  There were some serious emotional issues there all along that were hidden beneath the surface of our relationship.  The person with the OW is not the man I married, and someone who can be happy after having done that is a stranger to me. 

In fact, after all of this, I've become wary of letting another person in my life for the simple reason that whatever unresolved issues he would have would have a massive impact on my life.   Giving someone else the power to unsettle things to that degree, or hide issues to that degree, simply does not appeal to me.  Companionship is nice, but I don't want to work around someone else's demons anymore after being free this long.

The part that is still unresolved for me is trying to imagine H being happy in the wake of all that he has done.  The way everyone accommodated his affair and the OW, the way he plowed ahead with this despite the pain he caused his children, the way he moved far away from all of us to be with her, the way he changed once he left.  I think I just have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that all of that was somehow inside him all that time.  The person I imagined him being would never do something like that, but in the end, maybe he wasn't the person I imagined, and that's a tough pill to swallow after all this time.

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