[sachat3]

Wow. It’s been so long since I made a new thread I wasn’t even sure how.

Old thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11678.150

Clington is well Clington. I couldn’t even tell you what Ow he’s now on. I can count 4 women I know he’s been involved with since BD. This new one (K). He’s now living with her….unless he has the kids. Then he stays at his brothers or mums. Friday just gone, he came for the kids and was in an awful mood. Appeared to be arguing with her. Angry face. Texting furiously. Phone pinging all the time. And here’s the thing, I have my own issues with Ow (K) but I do see why she’s annoyed. He lives with her and her three children whenever he doesn’t have his. Yet when he does he won’t see her that weekend. I’d be annoyed too. K is showing many red flags. However, the way clington is so reluctant to introduce them. Is a red flag to me. I’m not against it. But the longer this continues the more I wonder what is wrong with her and why he’s so against it.

My girls go back to school tomorrow (Tuesday) D11 is starting high school. I paid for all their uniform. Clington got the shoes. D11 new high school is VERY strict. And by all means, I do firmly believe kids need structure and all this. She managed to get into the best high school in the area. So she’s got that but it’s so strict, she HAS to wear tights. When it’s summer and the weather gets hot then the school assess the situation and may allow socks. But it’s tights until notified 🙈

Clington brought the kids back to me and I’m SO annoyed. Yes he brought them meals and food and toys. Yea he bought D11 her school bag and their school shoes. However, D7 came back wearing the exact clothes she left in. She did have two outfits packed with her. They all did. And one pair of PJ’s each. D11 came back wearing a football shirt (she is football mad) and PJ shorts. None of the girls had their hair brushed. But they brushed their teeth 6 times one day 🙈 make that make sense?!

As it stands, it’s 2:43 am over here and I’ve gained two extra kids. I did start out with 6 but one wanted to go home so I’ve now got 5 for a sleepover. The last hurrah before back to school.

I’m so nervous for D11 starting big school, I don’t know how to behave atm for her. Do I pack her a pack lunch? Or is that not cool. Should I walk with her on the first day or is that “cringe” 😂😂

[UrsaMajor]

Following along....

Just ask her maybe.... Following along with a big neon blinking sign saying "This is my daughter, isn't she grand?" will probably not be a winner but walking along and talking like... well.... grown-ups might be OK.

Don't know what the food situation is at the school.... Could be good for her to have something she can take with if the school canteen is as horrid as mine was ....

[FaithWalker]

Hey sachat.  How is school going for the girls?  This is my first year that I didn't have kids to do back to school shopping with.  It was definitely bittersweet.  Better on my wallet though.

[sachat3]

The girls are loving school. I feel a bit sad that all of them are no longer in the same school. We’re having a few issues with D12, she’s started getting detentions. The first one she got was completely my fault as she got a detention on her second day because she didn’t have the right trainers. That was my fault as I didn’t buy them. I told her that and took responsibility for it. And since she’s had another two detentions for not doing homework. I think she assumed because I took responsibility for one, I’d take them for all but not doing homework is fully on her.

Clington is still well, clington. He will complain about how rubbish his life is yadda yadda and yet he makes more issues for himself. He’s his own worst enemy. I feel like I’ve mellowed a bit, maybe it’s my age creeping up but then again I am only 32 (just turned). I feel very blessed to have the life I do. This week I’m booking on a holiday for summer 2024 with friends, there will be 4 adults and 8 kids. The kids are going to love it.

Life for me right now is really, really good. I feel really sorry for my girls that their other parent is the way he is. They deserve more. But, I get the memories with them. We go away, we do day trips. We even went to see Taylor Swift in concert at the cinema, I got a bit teary watching my girls belt out her songs and just love life. Was lovely to watch.

I do have a funny story, as I was doing my washing I noticed a jumper I’ve never seen before. It was a fake stone island one. I assumed one of the girls has picked it up from a friends house as sometimes they swap clothes etc etc. I asked friends so I could return it. It was nobody that we knows. The only other place it could have come from is clingtons car. The girls must have grabbed their stuff and picked it up. It’s got to be his new girlfriends sons jumper 🤦🏾‍♀️ I am waiting for the “can I have that jumper back” chat but it’s yet to come. As far as I’m aware he’s now living with the new girlfriend and her 3 kids, however he has bought a caravan that attaches to his car, to have the girls at weekends as he doesn’t want her to meet the kids. It’s so bizarre to me but I leave him to it. I won’t interfere until it affects my kids

[UrsaMajor]

As far as I’m aware he’s now living with the new girlfriend and her 3 kids, however he has bought a caravan that attaches to his car, to have the girls at weekends as he doesn’t want her to meet the kids. It’s so bizarre to me but I leave him to it.

Another one to peg out the

o-meter...... <shaking my head>

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Sorry about the detentions. I give many of them myself.

Life for me right now is really, really good. I feel really sorry for my girls that their other parent is the way he is. They deserve more. But, I get the memories with them. We go away, we do day trips. We even went to see Taylor Swift in concert at the cinema, I got a bit teary watching my girls belt out her songs and just love life. Was lovely to watch.

It is good to build those memories. I celebrated my oldest daughter's 28th birthday with her  and her husband and my wife. We had a great dinner together and it was a lot of fun. Your post about the Taylor Swift reminded me that when our girls were young, we all went to the Hanna Montana concert movie. My kids sang the songs as well. Just a lot of fun.

Clington is still well, clington. He will complain about how rubbish his life is yadda yadda and yet he makes more issues for himself. He’s his own worst enemy. I feel like I’ve mellowed a bit, maybe it’s my age creeping up but then again I am only 32 (just turned).

Yes, he is and until he commits to growing up, he won't take responsibility for his actions or choices. You have not only mellowed, you are the adult and parent in this situation.

This week I’m booking on a holiday for summer 2024 with friends, there will be 4 adults and 8 kids. The kids are going to love it.

Yes! You keep being you and your girls are going to grow up to be amazing people.

Have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))

[sachat3]

So we’ve booked onto the holiday. One issue I will come across is taking my kids abroad when we have different surnames. It’s been spoke about before, me changing my name by deed poll. That would give me the same surname as my kids, but also stop any issues is have taking them abroad. It’s very cheap to do. I’ve toyed with the idea for a while. But I don’t want to be linked with him for life. By name.

D12, god I love her but right now she needs to find her own feet. So with the detentions. When it was my fault. I took the blame. But I think, she assumed that was a free pass. It wasn’t. I can’t lie, her school is very strict. Even I struggle with some rules, but I chose that school for her. Rules are rules.

I think the one thing that’s struck me since BD is. When BD hit me, I was only 26. I became a single mum to 3 kids. And my god do I love the bones off them. I know on social media I come across line “that mum” but honestly they are great kids. And I don’t just say that cos they are mine, they actually are. Yet it actually hurts my heart, that clington can give them up so easily. He’ll see them when he has too. Twice a month but never will he text me during that time asking about them. Never does he even contact them. I’ll never understand that, how a parent can do that. Some days when they are with him, I know I should enjoy the break but I just miss them.

To show you where clington is at, he has now bought a caravan to live in. He introduced the kids to his dog, a dog they haven’t seen in months. I know I’m probably a bit biased as we lost Luna, but the kids ask about the dog a lot and it spends time with the new girlfriend. But to the kids, the dog is now gone. They’ve said to me “is X with Luna now” and it’s so hard for them to navigate those emotions. They’re still only little. I can accept, taking on 4 cats was a lot but they’ll be with us for life. They are family to us.

[Treasur]

Have you considered the other option of changing THEIR surnames to be the same as yours? Or hyphenating theirs to include both?

Bc you were not married, you are a single parent and your kids do live with you after all…..but I’d guess you’d legally need his consent? And to consider how your girls would feel about it too. Not a straightforward situation probably.

[sachat3]

It’s defo not a straight forward situation. The reason it was debated me changing my name was because I could bet my life clington won’t ever give me permission to change the girls name. And I do have to have that as he is listed on the BC and has parental responsibility.

So one thing I always get questioned on as me and clington have a fairly straightforward agreement. He has the girls every other weekend, and all the major events NYE Valentines etc, we alternate. This year I have the kids for NYE which is no issue to me. However I booked a very special breakfast on Xmas eve for the girls with a certain someone ( 🎅🏽) I messaged him beforehand to check he didn’t have plans before paying for it. For him to reply “it’s your weekend with then it’s fine”. I know it’s my weekend but it’s bloody Christmas! I had just (foolishly) assumed he would want to see them! A lot of my friends have to do alternate Christmases with their kids dad, I’ve had the kids every single Christmas since BD. Which is more than fine by me. However if he said anything I accept I would have to share them, I wouldn’t like it but it’s just one of those things. However, whilst he’s not mentioning it. I won’t either.

I do miss them a lot when they aren’t with me. The house feels awful. And one thing we do (when they are here) is watch our TV together. We are currently watching strictly (UK guys Bobby brazier - Jade Goodya son even sent D9 a personal message). As soon as the winner was announced D12 phoned me (she’s with her dad this weekend) “Mum do you want to know who won”. I got a bit teary because currently we’re a bit strained, she’s at the eye roll, huff puff stage. Nothing I do is right etc. so for her to phone me, just to tell me who won was so cute 🥰

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I messaged him beforehand to check he didn’t have plans before paying for it. For him to reply “it’s your weekend with then it’s fine”. I know it’s my weekend but it’s bloody Christmas! I had just (foolishly) assumed he would want to see them!

Clington doesn't always come across as paying much attention to things like Christmas lately.

When BD hit me, I was only 26.

The big difference is that you grew up and Clington went backwards. He lives in a caravan and his focus is on all of his issues. He doesn't call because he knows the girls are fine with you. If he were to call under the pretense to check on the kids, it would really be to talk to you. However, I think you really sent the message that other than co-parenting, you are done with him and his antics. So, there is really no reason to call.

My new wife was pretty much in your situation. She had two kids-one right after the other. He ex was with her until the kids were nine and ten, but during that time, he was an absent father. They would make plans for the weekend and he would opt out at the last second leaving her alone with the children. Then he completely bailed when he moved on with his OW. Then other than a couple times a year, he never saw them. Now he wants a close relationship and they are not having it. However, it was his choices and his actions that brought the relationship to this point. Your girls are still young, but they are growing up and they now their father too. By the time Clington gets his act together; it may be too late and his relationship with his own girls may be gone forever.

honestly they are great kids.

Because honestly, you are a great mom and your focus has been on ensuring that they have all the opportunities to be great kids. Be proud of all of your accomplishments as a parent. You are one smart cookie and I hope you and the girls have a fabulous Christmas.

((((Ready)))

[sachat3]

So Clington had a friend who was lovely with the girls, they loved him. He loved them. He also had kids that were good mates with mine but since clington got in this new relationship he’s binned his mates off. Luckily we have each other on social media and I’ve made it so the kids don’t miss out. Anyway two weeks ago, his mate had a baby and my girls have been desperate to meet the baby. So he came over with the baby. We got chit chatting and it’s actually transpired that c, I may have mentioned it in this thread or the last. She was actually pregnant with Clingtons child 🤦🏾‍♀️ it was an eptopic pregnancy and as you can imagine clington was…..awful. I’m so so so so annoyed by this because he gives me aggro for any friends I have over or anything and yet he almost gave my children a sibling! Which just makes me more sure that K the new girlfriend will 100% end up having his child!!!

[KayDee]

Despite all your work towards detachment, this must still be very hurtful Sachat. I think sometimes there's this strange space between holding onto the old image of our former spouse (the one's we chose) and yet not wanting the current spouse in one's life. As a friend of mine said recently - hope dies slowly. Is it our own liminal zone?

I do wonder, with some people in this type of crisis, if they just 'go along' with things. No excuses, just an observation I suppose. Hand over the steering wheel to another. I am certainly seeing that.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Despite all your work towards detachment, this must still be very hurtful Sachat. I think sometimes there's this strange space between holding onto the old image of our former spouse (the one's we chose) and yet not wanting the current spouse in one's life.

You could write a whole book on this one statement in how we define our own reality. What makes bomb drop so shattering is that it comes out of the blue and completely changes not only how we view our relationship, but how we view ourselves and our perceptions of what is real or not. The MLCers lose or desire to change their identity leads to us questioning our own as well. In the beginning, I totally blamed myself as being the issue and that if I improved and became superman, she would clearly see the difference and return.

Of course, the driving force to fixing me was because I was losing the love of my life and I might as well have been watching a boatload of gold sinking into the ocean. She was the "best thing" in my life and losing her would be the end of my world. At that time, in my mind, she was perfect and all of the crisis was a result of me.

Of course, as time passed, the viewpoint shifted and sometimes she became the villain. Not fair either. However, we do what we need to do to get back on our feet and rebuild our perception of reality. Today, she is neither. We are not friends because I don't trust her. However, I can accept her as another person trying to make it through life's ups and downs and give her the respect she deserves in that regard.

Since I have been responding to Sachat3's story, I have always hoped Clington would pull it together and reunite his family. It would be nice to see a purple book by her name and say, another family saved. Findingjoy's story was a great thread and she could have gone either way, but in the end, she welcomed back her MLCer and they have a reunited family.

So after Clington and Princess Skittles parted ways and he started showing a new interest in his family and Sachat3, I was hopeful. Yet, Sachat3 knew better and her wisdom was far better than mine. His actions after her initial refusal, didn't demonstrate someone who was committed to winning his family back, but more of the same- looking for the easy way out.

Clington, is a what my new wife calls a"charmer".  They are like the pretty boxes on display at a store. All glitter and gold on the outside, but empty on the inside.

He shouldn't even have a puppy let alone another child. He can't even take care of himself let alone be responsible enough to be a father. Making babies is not the point, raising them is the key. As Seinfeld stated when the car rental didn't have a car for him, "Taking the reservation is easy, it's the hold part that is important."  That's why I have a lot of respect and admiration for Sachat. Because while she may have her fun, she handles her business.

Sad to say, but I lost a lot of respect for Clington. Maybe one day, he will learn about the "hold" part in life. However,  I respect your choices and decisions more than ever.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[Curiosity]

Ready, I had exactly the same thoughts after Clington and Princess Skittles split… I hadn’t remembered that nickname, but I love it! But you’re so right - Clington really seemed like he was growing up back then, taking ownership of his life and taking an interest in his kids. But the moment it didn’t turn into an immediate reconciliation, he fell right back into his irresponsible and self-sabotaging ways, proving that Sachat was absolutely right to question whether his apparent growth back then was real. It’s a perfect example of how, once the LBS has detached from the MLCer’s roller coaster, he or she can often trust their instincts - but that detachment is absolutely essential.

I do think it’s particularly challenging when the LBS and MLCer have kids together - especially young kids but even when the “kids” are fully grown, there is always a link between the LBS and MLCer. And it must be hard for an LBS to see their kids being disappointed by the MLCer. Even when you no longer think of that person as a potential spouse or partner in any way, they can still hurt you through the disappointment they bring to your kids. But the trade-off that I have seen in so many stories here, is that because the LBS so often heals and finds strength that perhaps they didn’t know they had, is that the LBS over time develops an even stronger relationship with their kids than they would have had if the MLC had never occurred. Those girls are very lucky to have you as a parent - and I bet they know it even in these adolescent and almost adolescent years, but I am absolutely sure they will appreciate their bond with you when they are adults.

[FaithWalker]

I think Skittles Princess was actually the OW in Mortesbride's story.  I wonder how she is doing?

Maybe there are two skittles princesses, lol.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Talk to the bear about the origins of Skittles. I just plagiarized his work that's all.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[UrsaMajor]

Hello,

Talk to the bear about the origins of Skittles. I just plagiarized his work that's all.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

Clington's OW was the Disney Princess IIRC... Mortesbride's MLC'er had the Skittles Princess....