[Thunder]

That may be the "key" word Standing.

If they have it in them to try.  Really try.
That takes a lot of courage from them.

[xyzcf]

I really do not believe that we have any idea of the "real" outcome of what happens in our members lives. Many members stop posting after they stabilize themselves but we don't know what happens in their future.

Other's go on to new relationships and even if their MLCer attempts to come back, they are not interested or not available anymore. I doubt many of these members return to document what has happened.

2 couples that I know who remarried after divorce, one occurred 7 years after BD, the other was 18 years...both are very happy. Another member who was very active on HS remarried after several years, but she had left the site a couple of years before he returned home. That's three that I know of off the top of my head.

A very good friend of mine, also an HS member, is definitely reconnecting with her husband and it has been 11 1/2 years since BD.

Lately I have seen this "message" being posted, twice this week and there is no factual basis to it..it is opinion, that's all.

The important thing is not to base your life on whether they return or not. At this moment, they are not home or if they are home they are not over their crisis....go and live your life....their crisis will resolve in it's own time and the outcome is not and never has been in your hands..unless you decide not to accept them back under any circumstances.

[marvin4242]

Some of my personal favorites from my list:

- “You trapped me here in xxx for the past 23 years,”  which is how long we had known each other. “Trapped” included having no kids, not having to work, traveling as desired and spending extended time away (2-3 months) on various trips including skiing.

- “My head tells me choosing OM is the biggest mistake I’ll make but I have to follow my heart.”  I was nodding internally while completely non reactive outside.

- “No one will ever love me as much as you do.”  Don’t even know what to say to that, except for her sake I hope that is not true in the long term.

- Told her sister part of the reason she left was that in the years we were together I never said “I Love You.” Besides not being correct it was an interesting reason to leave someone who spent, you know, 23 years actually acting like they are in love with you.

- The day she announced we should go our separate ways she listed all my faults again while I didn’t say a word, then she left the room. Then came back crying screaming “I am always taking care of you!” All I could think of was if telling me how awful I am is “taking care” of me oh please stop.

- This one actually cut deep because it was something that is fundamental and part of who we are. She said I “smelled wrong.” Not in the sense of bad or hygiene, but that there was no magic pheromone. I am guessing she was deep in limerence with the OM and so I was not creating any magic teenagy feelings for her. Which after 23 years I am sure was true.

[Wonder]

The script is absoloutely mind blowing to me!

I think I have added a big list here but I will write some more, which I know so many of us have heard also:

— My mother thinks you don't like her
— I am allowed to have friends! (in response to my questioning why he texts the sexy female pilates teacher)
— You don't neet my needs (I think I don't look porn star enough for his changed needs - nope, he didn't choose to marry a porn star 20 years ago and I am not a porn star now)
— I don't know who I am
— I hate myself
— I must be allowed to do this! To live a life of complete autonomy! I need this!
— I was your benefactor!
— You take me for granted
— Do you love me?
— Everybody likes you!
— You always look so good, I have no chin, grey hairs, a big nose and a gap in my teeth
— It has nothing to do with you or your behaivour .... Wonder's behaviour caused all of this sadly (in legal letters)
— You leave fruit stickers on the bench and cupboard doors ajar
— The feathers in your cushions dig into me (I always thought they were 'our' cushions)
— I always put you first
— Time to no longer be devoted to you
— I just want to think about myself, as selfish as it sounds
— I wanted to spend more time with my family but was afraid to ask you 
— You were good at asking for what you need in our marriage, I wasn't. Now this is what I need!
— I'm confused
— Sorry for the confusion, but as I said, I was trying to work out what it was that I was feeling
— As you know I have not been happy for a long time (I didn't know actually)
— I hope we both find our happiness (I never said I was unhappy)
— Wonder will be happier without me
— Time for a fresh start
— Wonder is perfect but I HAD to do this
— Text "I have to leave'... emails a few days later ... "Hi love, Hi sweets... asking for thing and asking after our dog'.
— The garden is too much for me to do on my own, could we garden together more
— siiiiiiilence (the not talking!)
— I am so sorry for the pain and hurt I have caused
— I have to DISTANCE myself from Wonder (Makes me sound like a disease)
— I wasn't in my right mind (in reference to his slick manner of leaving the marriage via an out of the blue text message ... and how are you feeling now H? Back in your right mind?
— Me: 'You can't leave our marriage without at least talking to me'.... H: 'YES I CAN!!!! Hang up phone.'
— LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LEAVE AND YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! (all very true, but heck, that was a brutal way to end a long term marriage)
— I'VE CHANGED!!!!
— Wonder knows who she is, I don't know who I am (my heart hurts for him to hear he said this to a friend. What a huge struggle he is in).
— I do all the practical and emotional work in the relationship
— THREE emails to my lawyer stating that 'He needs to get to the house to list the chattels he wants'. He came, he went, (in Feb this year) he has not mentioned his chattels again since that urgent need to get here to list them.
— I need to come by the house to get some bits and bobs. It will be easier for everyone if you and the dog are not there. (Thanks for asking me)
— It's not us! It's a mid-life crisis! (that was the week before he ran away after his appointment with his psychologist - but then he RAN and ran hard and continues to run run run away from the disease that is me).
— I had my appointment with my therapist but didn't think you would be interested in hearing about it (why do they all think that we don't love them, don't care anymore! That couldn't have been further from the truth for me - I loved my husband deeply).
— I need a new iPad (sad face, wanting permission from me that he can buy one perhaps?)
— I'd like to get an MG sports car
— Me "a marriage is to be worked at'. H: "A MARRIAGE CAN MEAN MANY THINGS!!!!'. I hit a nerve there! Trapped married man-child.


Oh boy - it's all the same.

[KeepItTogether]

These all resonate for sure! And I’ve heard many of these. The one that stung the most May have some truth in them:

“You are not attracted to me.”
“You don’t respect me.”

If I’m honest this did happen. As many of Us do, we take on the majority of the heavy lifting while the “future” mlcer does what they please. It became all about him and yes I grew to resent him for it.  My mirror work there bc I could have communicated.

Now.....could we have worked on this? YES.

Was it easier to start bonking the fat bailiff who worshipped and admired the newly minted judge? Yes. Yes it was.  Until it wasn’t.....lol. Careful what you wish for!

[Wonder]

Hi KeepItTogether - no marriage is perfect, no human is perfect and one should not be expected to be perfect in marriage.

A marriage takes communication. My MLC H chose to not say anything to me other than he basically felt I didn't love him enough.

[xyzcf]

 

My MLC H chose to not say anything to me other than he basically felt I didn't love him enough.

My husband has never told me anything except that I am too intense and I talk too much. That's it.

No words, no reasons, no rationale, no acknowledgment of OW...nothing.

Oh yes, once when I tried reasoning with him of how we had both worked so hard to get to this place in life financially he said "xyzcf, I cannot stay with you for money"...of course since he was the one with a job and making mego bucks, fine for him to say.

32 years, never once did he ever express to me that he wasn't happy in our marriage. Completely opposite, he was thoughtful, romantic, generous and I never felt that he did not love me and our family. 

[Couragedearheart]

I got

You didn’t send the Christmas cards, I assume that’s a woman’s job. (I never forgot Christmas cards)
I haven’t been happy for 14,3,26, my entire life years
You are only with me for my money
You only dated me because I’m safe
If you really loved me you would know what I wanted (without me having to say it)
You deserve better
We both had opportunity to cheat (well certainly, but you are the only one who took it)
I lied about liking Chipolte and you made me eat it
Why can’t we just stay married and I visit once or twice a week...I’ll pay. (Because I’m not a prostitute)
You and s15 are closer than me and s15 (because you have been avoiding us for 2 years)
You don’t meet my needs and I shouldn’t have to tell you what they are.
I don’t know what my needs are
I have been dissociated for 35 years, only been using half my brain, it feels like I just woke up for the first time.
I never got a chance to be young (lived and partied with friends for 4 years)
You don’t pick out clothes for me
Sometimes you won’t do s15’s laundry for 3 days.
Being around you makes me emotional so I need to leave.
I feel guilty for not being the husband or father I wanted to be so I need to move out.
You are too bubbly and happy and it makes me angry.

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[MsMedfly]

My absolute favorite..   

“I love you, I care about you, I can’t live with you because you sleep with the tv on”..

Packed his bag and left.. I haven’t seen the person I knew as my now ex husband, in more than 6 years. He became a completely different person.. then left, then bombed me..

The crap they say is absolutely absurd.. I used to have a list of the dumb things puffy would say but I chunked it because it was emotional cutting..

Now, I laugh.. hard!! Because he said this multiple times but said it again while sitting in his attorney’s office.. the look on his lawyers face was priceless... 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Milly]

Just want to say that I'm reading and nodding my head. Sometimes I think 'wow, that's a new one,' but I'm not in any way surprised. Such a shame.