[Thunder]

Hi Pal,

Your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while, it's to be expected, but it gets easier with time.  Just take good care of yourself.

I would suggest not sending it.  For one thing it will not change anything and if it's long she may not even read it all.  Their attention span gets pretty short.
Maybe just hang on to it for a while.

I wrote my H 3 different letters, but never sent them.

A year or 2 ago I came across them in a drawer and I am so, so glad I never sent them.
They were very heartfelt letters, but he would not have seen them that way.  He wouldn't have cared. I know that now.

I also found myself feeling so awful for the woman who wrote them.  I have changed so much since those early days it was like someone else wrote those.
I ended up throwing them away.

I think it's a good idea to write about your feelings/thoughts, it helps get it out of your head, but I wouldn't send them.
Just my opinion.

[Treasur]

Any practical advice to avoid a total crash is welcomed. 

Drop back to the basics is my advice.
Accept that, right now, your bandwidth is probably less. So you need to pace yourself and that means choosing to invest energy in x or y, not both as perhaps you might have done in the past. (You might find it helpful to read up on the Spoons Theory)
Do more of what tops up your bandwidth, whatever that is for you.
Do less of what drains your battery, whatever that is for you.
Train yourself to, as UM says, shoot the wolf closest to the sledge in terms of priorities. Which is not always the biggest one, or the scariest one, or the one that barks loudest. Or indeed the one that other people think you should shoot.
Teach yourself to be more present, to focus on one thing at a time. And be kind to yourself about any of your current limits, failures or struggles. If you have a bad day, start afresh the next day.
Prioritise your physical and mental wellbeing like your life and your daughters life depended on it. Sleep, diet, fresh air, ways to calm your mind, prayer, music, exercise, small pleasures.
Start each day by asking yourself ‘what do I need from myself today.’. End each day by thinking of three things from the day for which you are grateful, no matter how small.

I suspect that, rather like training for a marathon or an uphill climb, once you start training yourself to do these things, it will help you to decide if/how some of the things you mentioned (female attention, heartfelt emails, an IC of your own etc) will serve you right now or not......

Hope that helps and is sufficiently practical 

[Father5]

HI Palladian,

I am so sorry to have met you here. Please refran from having any meaningful conversations with your wife. More than likely she will end up using them against you. Put your business suit on and a happy face as best you can. We can all relate to where you're at. I was the worst groveller ever known.

   Make sure she understands there will be consequences, you will not be friends and you won't play happy family for her. Then become a rock for your daughter, she is going to need you now more than ever.

[palladian]

Thanks @Treasur, @Thunder, @Father5, following your advice.

48 hours of total anger. I was coincidentally confronted for the first time with the sign of her "new relation", two pillows on her fresh new bed. I was disgusted. Then she asked casually how I was (have a flue). I couldn't handle the situation, I just left after dropping off the luggage of our kid (kid didn't see this). After I calmed down, it took me 2 hours,  I took into account the following advice

Make sure she understands there will be consequences, you will not be friends and you won't play happy family for her.

 I sent her a whatsapp message to make her clear (again) that I do not want to have anything but a formal talk on raising our daughter, nothing of stories or personal 'how are you's'. The way she is handling her crisis basically, stonewalling me for the moment since she 'decided', is beyond words hurtful.

I also made clear that I believe the 'how are you's' are just friendly talk to stave off the emotional mess she made and I cannot pretend that all is ok.

Today I received a long mail reply from her where she tells me I'm still one of the most important persons in her life, and she will always be there for me, "even if I don't want it to". She gave me a lot of info on her sister's situation (terminally ill) which felt like an emotional offload, something I have absorbed too often in the past probably. I don't want to come across as harsh or cold, but I do have these pent up angry emotions if I see her so I don't know how to navigate this one. And she still wants to discuss 'the house situation' of course.

She asked me if our daughter can have the different holiday's even if she is with me so she can spend time with her sister who is also her God Mother. That is an easy one as it involves my daughter. Of course that is no issue, it is important to my daughter!

In one hour I have a call with her because school called us, my kid hears voices, typical symptom of emotional distress (yes, what a great idea to leave a family a few months before her God Mother dies, I'm sure I'll get the story she is concerned and doesn't know what to do.

Will do the best I can to stay collected and "business mode". Fingers crossed.
 
 

[palladian]

So had a 10 minute call, was business, probably a bit too cold but I felt my nerves glowing in my body. Did the right things for my daughter, acknowledged her grief for her sister. Didn't shout at her, didn't start debating. She asked - again - why I was so distant. FFSSSS.

[Standing Strong]

Good Palladian 

That's part of projection  She is running wild on the inside, why aren't you? It baffles them.

Calm and strong, just what you need to be in the beginning....

Good job!!

-SS

[Thunder]

Great advice from Father5!  I couldn't have said it better.   

[MomOfSteel]

You've gotten great advice and I'm just here to say I'm sorry you needed to find us but glad you did and so early.  I'm only a few months ahead of you but I wish I was able to just stick to business early on and had seen that advice.  My female lizard brain was very reactive in his presence at first.  I did have someone I met a couple months later that basically has been through something similar and told me to remain calm at all costs.  They expect a certain reaction from you and when you don't give it, you are taking back at least some control of the situation.  Sometimes they monster all the harder for a while to try and get that control.  It sounds like your wife doesn't like not getting the reaction she expects.  I regularly hold it in then have my breakdown after I'm done dealing with H so he doesn't see.  You did great from the sounds of it. 

[palladian]

I really appreciate your support, it is one of the hardest things I have done. I would not call myself cool and calm,  I am totally raging about the fact that the additional mental health issues of our 8 year daughter are directly linked to her choices. I am glad I got through the conversation more or less composed.

I wrote a message to explain her in detail all her choices and consequences from distance and loss of respect for her, to mental health damage, also showing her other choices which she can still make. What annoys me the most is she keeps reverting that I choose to be distant, rather than the distance being a consequence of her stonewalling and affair. There is a part of me that really wants to push 'send', I haven't sent it,  because this would be total "schock therapy". Then again, anybody has any experience with that approach? Just calling their BS stonecold factually? To be honest, it would feel so relieving, speaking absolute truth.

[MomOfSteel]

Your wife is trying to blame you for her actions because she doesn’t want to feel the consequences.  I wouldn’t send the email.  It will reinforce that you are the bad guy.  They don’t care about facts.  Somehow they are masters of twisting it all back to being your fault.  I’ve called my H out, all of my in-laws, his best friend ever since he was a teenager and others have too (he doesn’t have any real support except his AP).  None of it has mattered.  My son asked him why he would do something everyone who ever has loved him is telling him he will regret and it’s wrong.  Doesn’t matter.  They just can’t see it.   It makes them mad and pushes them further away.  Just my 2 cents.  I made a lot of mistakes early on after BD.