[Standing Strong]

Hello LBS family 

Everybody goes thru their 1st holiday season without their MLC'er (or even a live-in who is only semi-there).

What did you do to keep your mind off it, cope, keep busy, happy, etc.

What was your 1st like, and what have you done since? Any activities in particular?

-SS

[Standing Strong]

Oh.. I realize I didn't put down what I'm going to do  (or think I will do).... LOL!!!!!

This year I'm going to go watch a Christmas Light Parade..... 1st time doing that  (W will be here for that)
They have a light show at the botanical gardens, I'll go at least once (probably twice) while W is gone. That will be amazing, always wanted to just sit for hours and people watch in the cold.
If there's a tour of homes with lights I'd probably do that too.
Hmmmm... there's a theme brewing here

Christmas night..... hmmmmm...... what's a good place to go on Christmas night? Waffle House? I do love Waffle House.

New Years.... meh. All the drunks are out. I'll stay home for that one. Too bad I don't have d!ck Clark to hang with anymore, but I will watch the ball drop.


-SS

[nah]

Since the first Christmas since BD. My son and I go out for sushi.

[Father5]

   This is a greta idea for a thread. I am at a loss on what to do. We split X mas with the kids I get Xmas Eve this year. I can't this year but my goal is to get to a place where I can be strong enough to do them together. Ultimately I will miss my step kids as well as my own kids every other year. I am not happy about that. I can't let her take that away from me if I can help it.

[Couragedearheart]

I don’t know if this helps, but if you are facing being alone for the holidays.....feel free to adopt some little travel nurses.
I know some thanksgivings when we don’t have family coming I post at the hospital and offer a friendsgiving and invite the travel nurses to come have a homemade dinner since they are often unable to go home to their own families.

[Seahorse]

The first Christmas, when H was still home was horrible.
We were all decorating the tree (me and the boy), and H was sitting in a chair on his phone.
MLC was in full bloom, but I had no idea what was going on.

Now, I still decorate the house fully, and cut down a tree with my S18.
We cook a big dinner and I have all the boys and their GF at the house.
H usually drops gifts on the doorstep for the boys before daylight and runs (at least for the last 2 years).

I keep busy, wrapping, decorating, baking and enjoying the season to the max!
I love the holidays and won't let this stupid MLC bring me down or prevent my enjoyment with my sons.

There are ice castles in NH that I REALLY want to see, but not sure if I can get to it this year or not!
There is a light show at the botanical garden that I will probably get too.  It's about 45 minutes from my house.

Sea

[Marchingforward]

The first was really hard because h left at the end of October. I don’t actually remember much and apparently I hosted thanksgiving for my family. 

Last year I hosted a cookie exchange for my friends. I also went out and did a bunch of holiday stuff I always wanted to do (light shows, holiday concerts, plays, etc).

[UrsaMajor]

My ABD was on 3rd Advent so about 2 weeks before Christmas.. I managed to maintain my composure through the Christmas Eve Dinner and then xW took the kids and left for her mom's on Christmas Day. I spent about 48 hours only getting up from the sofa to walk my dog... On the first day when I could go shopping again (27th) I decided to invite a dozen neighbors to the place formerly known as home for a pot-luck dinner and a Whisky-Tasting.

The following years (2016-2018) I cooked our traditional Christmas Eve Dinner for (now)xW and the kids and then for the 25th and 26th have usually been invited to someone's house.

This year, since her D is now final, I'm spending Christmas Eve with friends and then my kids and I will have Christmas Day with other friends so xW is not involved nor is she invited. Last Christmas Eve (2018) she spent most of the evening on her phone anyway so it is no big loss.

She was upset that I didn't want to celebrate Christmas Eve with her this year but, well, hey, that IS what divorce means...

[New Day Rising]

My bomb drop was just after Christmas 2015. He made Christmas 2015 absolutely miserable for many of us - not just me. Absolutely disgusting behaviour and I wonder why I tolerated it.

In 2016 and 2017, my ex came on Christmas morning to watch the kids open presents. It was always awkward as my mum stays with me over Christmas. My ex's dad also stayed with us in 2015 and 2016. I think he did 2016 with us as he didn't want to let me down and I really appreciated that. He said he is coming this year too.

In 2018, my ex had the kids on Christmas Eve. He said he was going to do Christmas day with them on Christmas Eve and then called me while I was working Christmas Eve to drop the kids home early as he had to go to OW's family and he had to drive.

This year, he's having them Christmas Eve again and will probably drop them home at lunchtime again. I have booked Christmas Eve off work so that I am not dropped with the kids at the last minute.

I am cooking this Christmas and I have my mum, dad, ex's dad, my sisters and niece and nephew coming over - plus 3 dogs. 4 in total with mine! Chaos!

I am looking forward to it as I've made great progress with doing my house up and want to show it off. It will be busy, but if anyone is on their own at Christmas and they're in my area, I'd be happy to take in guests. I've already ordered the XL Turkey! 

I love Christmas (well, more the build up to Christmas) and my ex never enjoyed it, so if there was thing that I can take from all of this, is that I don't have to listen to him whinge about Christmas being commercialised nonsense and skulking off somewhere.

[KeepItTogether]

That first Christmas is the hardest I think b/c most of us are still so shell-shocked. I tried to do everything as it had been done before, except that H was already moved out by Christmas. But he came with us to Christmas Eve Mass and dinner, and then showed up Christmas am for presents. Didn't stay too long. Awkward.

I really like the idea of new traditions though. Nah--the sushi sounds wonderful to me! And going to light shows and other things to get you into the Christmas spirit? I am all for those too. I guess it doesn't matter what we do per se, just that we do it for ourselves and our kids if we have them. And, for me, this really means I take H out of the equation altogether. Years past I pestered him as to when he will spend time with S for the holidays. And always met with resistance and excuses. And that brings me down.  So now I just make as many plans as I want and don't bother thinking about H's schedule. If he wants to spend time with S, and we are free, then fine.  Of course this will be the first year that I don't even broach the "holiday" subject with H.  And actually, So and I are leaving a few days before Christmas this year so it will be the first year H doesn't see S at all on Christmas day. Funny thing is, I am spending Christmas with my sister back east, then heading up north to spend 3 days with my in-laws--BIL and his fam, SIL and her fam and MIL and FIL. LOL. But no H. He doesn't even know we are doing this. So weird this life I am living.

[Seahorse]

Most of you know that my whole family (3 sons and 2 of their GF) are going to S24's state to celebrate Thanksgiving, at S24's request.  H was not invited, and is very hurt by it.  That was not intentional.  Just didn't think of it, and even if I did invite H; S18 probably would then stay home, so his loss.  I guess that's what happens when you blow up your family and take on with op and their family...

Sea

[UrsaMajor]

Most of you know that my whole family (3 sons and 2 of their GF) are going to S24's state to celebrate Thanksgiving, at S24's request.  H was not invited, and is very hurt by it.  That was not intentional.  Just didn't think of it, and even if I did invite H; S18 probably would then stay home, so his loss.  I guess that's what happens when you blow up your family and take on with op and their family...

Sea

Sea,

To be quite blunt, you all are going to S24's state to celebrate so I am assuming that S24 was the one coordinating/inviting? Therefore why should YOU be the one to invite H to the party? In the words of Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction (paraphrased): "Why are YOU on Brain Detail? H is the one dat shot da mudderfiretrucker!"

Last time I looked, H wasn't interested in celebrating anything with you.... Why WOULD you think of inviting H to the party? What, with his Schmoopie (as in H and GF/OW?)



If he is very hurt by it, then he needs to look at it as being the consequences of his actions... But it most certainly is NOT your circus or your monkeys to deal with...

[Treasur]

Out of interest, how do you know he feels hurt, sea?

Agree with UM. If you leave your family In search of a magic better happy, these are the practical consequences. Wasn't your invite, so not your business really. It was an intentional choice by your son as host, for whatever reason, and he has the right to make it imho.

There do seem to be a number of MLCers who bizarrely think that they can still do 'family' as if nothing happened, sort of pick it up and put it down when it suits them. Which is also of course a way of denying that they did things that hurt people who have the right to feel how they feel

[Standing Strong]

I soooo agree with making new traditions.... it helps with the break.
IF they come back, there's something new to experience together and if they don't.... well, the past is the past and something new is here.

-SS

[Seahorse]

UM and Treasur - I'm not trying to hijack this thread, but to answer your questions...

S24 is the one who suggested doing Thanksgiving in his current city (so he doesn't have to travel for both holidays).
I think H was a little upset that he wasn't invited (or maybe even told) about the get-together, but probably more so that he won't be able to see his sons for the holiday, whereas he would if they were up here.

I know that he's hurt because he told S24 that he was, and S24 passed it along to me.

I know it's not my monkeys NOR my circus, but just putting it out there.
I believe that you're both correct in that these are the consequences of his actions.

Sea

[Milly]

Standing, I think you ask a good question, actually quite a big one, especially for the many LBSs and their kids if they have them, facing the first holidays without their spouse/father. Any advice to get through those first holidays without falling apart, or even better, having some enjoyable times is extremely helpful.

Since we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here, I'm going to tell you about our first Christmas without H. I still had 2 kids at home, S10 and D17 at the time. After having been used to big, lavish, fun filled Christmases, this first one 6 months after BD, one month after H said he was going to live on the other side of the world and never come back, was an extremely difficult holiday to make happy.

The way my kids and I went about it was to change it up as much as possible. We started a new Christmas Eve tradition that involved going for lunch with S in a food market in the centre of town, buying scampi for dinner, meeting D17 for hot cocoa at the top of a well known department store with an outdoor heated terrace café with views over Florence ( I had never been here before BD), and then driving home to cook the scampi together. This will be our 6th Christmas since BD and we will be carrying out this new tradition. My kids look forward to it.

That first Christmas, we had 4 invites from friends and family to spend the day with them. We didn't feel up to looking happy in public and chose to spend the day by ourselves. It was cosy and filled with love. Since that first Christmas, we have had a single friend and her D over to have lunch with us and spend the day. My kids and my friend's D look forward to this. It's like the family we all no longer have. After a big lunch, we like to fall asleep on the couches whilst watching a movie all together.

New Year's Eve is still a bit of a struggle. My best ones since BD have been when S and I have driven to Rome to spend the night with my cousin and her boys. It's cosy and loud. I would rather have shared a glass of champagne with my H, but being around other people was really the best way for me and my kids to get through and enjoy the holidays.

[FearNot]

Great thread! I like seeing what others are planning! It isn't an easy time, that's for darn sure!!

First Christmas- I got the ILBNILWY on Dec 21, 2017, day before my birthday. Dec 24 I found the text messages from OW. Dec 27 official BD. Needless to say it wasn't great. Lol. The case of Prosecco H bought for Christmas helped initially, spent a lot of time begging God and being angry at Him. I also found HS shortly there after and that was a lifeline of sorts, for sure!

Last year, which would be the first official Christmas, I immersed myself in doing dinner for some friends and my cousin. I went totally overboard but it kept me occupied and I was able to scrape through. I kept myself super distracted and perhaps a little tipsy for some of it but it did eventually hit and meltdown ensued.

This year. I don't know. I have never been one to be all about Christmas since my early teens. It's been a tough time of year for me. In the past H and I would avoid it by traveling.  I'm thinking I might have to face a few demons with this one! But one way or another I will get through. Maybe Prosecco will be on sale prior and I can have some vitamin P to help with the ailment. Lol 

[Seahorse]

Bumping this thread from Standing Strong for there Newbies -
You can see how many of us spent our first year post BD here, but more importantly:
Let us know how you're planning on spending your holidays after your first BD.
It can truly be a difficult time, but it DOES get easier as you self-navigate into LBS life...

[Anon]

The first Christmas was almost 6 mo post BD.   I was still an impossible mess emotionally and it was unreal not to be together.   My bff booked us a 3 day trip to an all inclusive luxury spa from Dec 24 - 27.   It truly was luxurious.  On Dec 25 we didn’t dine at the spa but had dinner at her D’s in-laws.    The entire 3 days was wonderful.   The spa was great and Christmas dinner was spectacular and hosted by one of our country’s wealthiest couple at their getaway mansion.    I think my jaw stayed dropped the entire 3 days at all the luxury surrounding me but at the same time I felt a bit detached from it all too.   I would have traded all that for a dinner of boiled hot dogs with my h and a few hours with him. 

The next 2 Christmases were spent with the same bff in her home starting Dec 24 and staying overnight to enjoy Christmas Day brunch.   We watched movies, snacked on chocolates, drank spiked Egg Nog.   Again, I could not fully enjoy because my mind could not stop thinking about h.   Both these years he flew off to see ow for 10 days  over Christmas and New Years.   It was a very difficult time emotionally knowing he was spending such special time with her.   

This year I’ll be out for Christmas Eve brunch with about 10 people from my Women’s Group, then off to Christmas Eve service at my church, and then out to my  bff’s for what has become a Christmas tradition of movies, eggnog and chocolates followed by Christmas Day brunch.    This year I wonder if I will give much, or any thought to my h.  Since last year, emotionally I have moved miles away from h.  I have no idea if he is going to visit ow again or if they are even still in a relationship.   It also no longer matters.    I might still feel a bit sad but nothing like the last few years. 

[LBS_Les]

BD was Jan 17 - last Christmas was brutal.   MLC'er didn't want to buy gifts, just had no interest.   We woke up on Christmas Day, and I was excited as hell as I am every year.   She proceeded to pick a fight with me, awful fight before my family was to come over.  Kissed and made up, took our annual portrait for SM, in front of the tree.   But the day was already off to a rocky start.

This year, xmas will be with my mom and brother, as usual.   I guess its a good thing I dont have to fight with the in laws about what day we have xmas.   They are a big family, and all I have is my mom and brother.   So its always been important to me that I spend the day with them.

Definitely not excited about xmas this year. I have not put up my xmas tree, and like won't either.   Too disappointing, and will trigger a ton of memories.

[Ready2Transform]

My BD2 (confirmation of OW after 3 months of separation and many months, possibly years, of denial and secrecy) was on Thanksgiving weekend, 2011. Awful Thanksgiving with the in-laws after they acted like they were doing me a favor by letting me eat with them. Three days later I had tangible proof he was cheating, and we had the blow up of all blow ups over the phone while he drove back from OW's that Sunday.

Impossible that first year to have any normal holidays. This is why I post here now, preparing happily for my tenth season post-MLC. I can tell you what was great for me that first year was to not be obsessed with traditions. Let your feelings come and observe them - there's really no way not to early on. But you don't have to be "normal". It's NOT normal! So if you feel guilty because you don't want to do the typical meal, what would make you feel better? There's no crime in pizza-and-movies-in-pj's day. Or reading books, listening to music and dancing around your house, gaming, playing with the kids and/or pets with no time limits, expectations, or rules attached. My dad and I would have totally different than usual meals, so I was still cooking (which I loved to do every holiday), but not being reminded of xH's favorite things I'd make every year. We had enchilada Christmas, beans and cornbread Easter, fry bread tacos for Thanksgiving. And it was FUN. We made new memories. Even if I'd had kids, I would have done it this way, I think. It helped break a cycle and make things mine, not "ours", so there wasn't as much loss or lack to feel. Helping people, volunteering where you can (COVID might make this harder this year, but there's still some options), all fill up the time in a positive way so you're not dwelling. I spent time with neighbors too and reached out to make sure older folks were okay. Anything for oxytocin.

Don't let MLC take your opportunities for joy any more than it already has. Do whatever you can to experience activities you enjoy. It helps the healing.

[Dragonfly33]

I remember my first Christmas last year, I was dreading it. I moved out in Nov last year after I found out about that my H was honeymooning with the OW during our vacation. I used to cook for his whole family every Christmas . Last year was my first time alone. My sister invited me but I didn’t feel like talking to other people. I was so embarrassed that my marriage failed. I bought myself a bottle of champagne and a red wine and I drank the whole two bottles while watching stupid movies. I thought I could drown my sadness. It was a sad experience. But this year I’ll be spending it with friends. I have something to look forward to now.

[Treasur]

I feel so sorry for that version of me that tried to 'do' Christmas post BD when frankly I had no idea what was going on   ...both the first after a BD I didn't know was a BD when I tiptoed round this strange person in our house trying to be supportive and not add any 'pressure' while he was alternately silent or vibrating with anxiety. My then h had a full blown panic attack on Christmas Eve apparently about what to write in a card to me  And then went 'missing' on Christmas Day afternoon apparently having gone for a 'long walk' to centre himself...for hours....without his phone...returning literally a few minutes before I was about to call the police bc of course I thought I was dealing with a suicidal depressed h under psychiatric care....but i suspect with hindsight in addition to that I was (also) dealing with a h who had snuck off to spend a few hours with ow on Christmas Day    I was like a Girl Guide of cheerful understanding and support....while frightened to death underneath. I admire the bravery even if I shake my head now at the foolishness  And the second when I was ill and alone and tbh just grief stricken. Gosh, I was suffering then, that second one....just found out I had cancer, not eating or sleeping, my mother spat at me and told me I was the devil when I went to see her on Christmas Eve...meanwhile on the other side of the planet unbeknownst to me (I found out later) my then h was busy filing for divorce and proposing to ow on Christmas Day before heading off for a jolly Christmas lunch with his 'new improved' to be in-laws....and the third? Watchgate and weird drama pop ups and 2am mr sadz emails from my then (still) h just after Christmas 2017....lots of WTF there 

Actually if anything it seems even more WTF now, looking back 
It just doesn't rip my heart out as it did or leave me flailing in disbelief. But it was a long run of Weird  ....bc it WAS weird and relentless WTF.

Both the first Christmases were staggeringly hideous 
Looking back, I am amazed that I survived both actually.
And it was simply beyond me to connect to anything that Christmas is usually about, either the deep bits or the superficial bits. Or even food iirc bc I couldn't eat much more than yoghurt or porridge at the time. There is simply nothing normal about a normal Christmas in the middle of this kind of WTF and instability and uncertainty.
But that's ok.
And it evolved with time, baby steps. A low key lunch with my uncle in 2017. A rare glimmer of my mother in 2018. A few cards sent and a church service and a cat to give a bit of turkey to in 2019. Now a covid one when not just my world is weird...small gifts, cards, hunkering down, maybe I'll do an allotment dig for Christmas lol. And a long Christmas walk with my walking chum. Baby steps .

If any of you are in that awful place, it sucks but it is ok to not fake it. And trust that this time too will pass, that it will not always be how it is right now.

[Dragonfly33]

Treasur I cannot imagine what you went through. I thought mine was so bad but what you had to go through was dreadful. You are such an amazing person to have never lost hope in life. And after what you experienced, you never have bitterness in you from the way you speak to us who are newbies here. You are full of wisdom and kindness and I always consider your words as a guiding star in this journey. Bless you.

[Treasur]

Ah, thank you, dear Dragon.
Combo of a relentlessly optimistic loving father who always believed I was the bees knees and a loving mother who valued kindness as a great virtue.....and my own inherent 'Babe-ishness'....which is a great Christmas movie btw and may be the one that Gracie and me go for on Christmas Day 

I've surely had my moments of being rather further from the better angels of my nature lol....but I am grateful that they have rarely been more than moments. 

[xyzcf]

Try to find the beauty amidst the heartbreak.

Eventually ( and I can't recall how many years it took) I created my own traditions/ decorations.

Look around and smile. It's harder this year because COVID will stop us from going out and attending concerts or getting together with our friends and family...so that is going to cause this to be much harder.

Even if you don't feel like decorating or gift buying, it's important to try..to try and separate MLC from life ( and that is true I guess for the whole year).

Buy a couple of poinsettia's. I just bought 2 from Walmart for $10.00. They flower for a long time and take minimal care.

Make one of your favorite baking recipes....I make things from my childhood...date squares remind me of my mom.

Light some candles, listen to some Christmas music, donate to a food bank or buy a toy for a needy child.

Before sending out Christmas cards, I wrote to his relatives in October, explaining briefly what had happened and asking that they don't send cards to both of us....I received several beautiful letters back, from his cousins, who continue to this day to send me Christmas cards....not to him...but to me.

Watch a Christmas special on the TV.

Make some hot chocolate.

Spend time in prayer meditating on Christ's birth. There are many on-line church services....commit to watching these services this advent.

Buy yourself something "special"..it doesn't have to be much, a special notebook, a pair of fuzzy slippers, some chocolate.....

Turn it around..do not let their crisis steal your happiness.

[FaithWalker]

My BD happened 2 weeks before Christmas and 2 weeks after our 14th anniversary.  I found divorce papers in the printer in our office on Christmas Eve.  Needless to say, I assumed that Christmas would be ruined for me forever.  The first Christmas after BD and the big D, the kids and I were living with my brother, and that helped as we did Christmas together, and started a new tradition of doing Christmas together.  Even on the years that I did not have my kids for Christmas, they switched their plans to match up with ours Christmas Eve morning.  Separating the stockings was painful for me, very brutal.  H's grandmother (RIP) had handmade them for all of us and since xH had the kids for Christmas Eve, their stockings hung at his house and just mine and my oldest S had stockings hanging and it was so sad, especially after I got a FB memory of the previous year with all 5 of our stockings hanging in a row.  The stockings came back Christmas Eve with the kids and hung up, minus H's where they belonged Christmas morning, but I always wondered what the kids thought as they had already opened their stockings with H first.  The following year we were in our own place and I had the stockings first.  And then the next year, I did not.  So last year I finally decided I was tired of the passing of the stockings and I ordered a matching set for the 3 kids and myself.  I gave S his stocking from his great grandmother to keep and I lovingly kept mine as a reminder of her, and I sent the 2 younger kids stockings with xH and told him to keep them, that I did not require them any more.  Such a small, minute thing to someone, but for me was so symbolic.

And xH's CovidWifey will not have a stocking from beloved grandmother, so I take some comfort in that.  And she's not getting mine.  So xh will have to either buy a whole new set or have mis-matched stockings for Christmas.  Unless MIL in her way of making everyone feel like they "fit" figures out a way to make a similar stocking and present it to CovidWifey, but that's enough pondering that lol.  Christmas with CovidWifey will look much different than it ever did with us.  That's a consequence of blowing up your marriage and having your children only part time.  D18 hasn't even decided if she will join xH's family for Christmas this year or not, she has slowly distanced herself from him since she turned 18 and just has an occasional lunch with him, but that's about the sum of their relationship.

Ok, got off on a tangent...

I think it's important to find new traditions.  New things that you can do as a new, different family unit.  It can still be cozy and meaningful.  And if you're by yourself, think of it as a blank slate that you can have the freedom to make it what you want to make it.  I know Covid doesn't help with this.  In future, when I don't have Christmas plans with my family I intend to travel.  And with Christmas being my BD time, I gave myself permission to grieve when I needed, but tried to make it a short trip and not a destination.

[Milly]

I remember the first Christmas after BD being really hard. BD was 6 months earlier and at the beginning of November H told me he was moving to the US probably for ever and told S who was 10 at the time. So first Christmas the kids were not even going to see their father at all.

I didn't feel like doing anything but needed to make it special for my S and D. We decided to try to do everything slightly different from how we used to do it so that we wouldn't be continuously reminded of H's absence. I bought a different kind of tree and set it up in a new location. We decided to go out on CHristmas Eve together to buy fish to cook for dinner and to have hot cocoa in a lovely café. We continued to do this these last 5 CHristmas Eves.

The first Christmas, we needed to be alone and just felt comfort in being together without pressure to seem happy. We watched movies and I had bought lots of cosy food (chocolates, nuts, dried fruit) and set it up in pretty bowls on the coffee table, and splurged on fancy Christmas candles,which added atmosphere in the evenings. The following Christmases, I invited my single girlfriend and her D for lunch. This has been our tradition ever since and we really look forward to it.

My D started a new tradition for us the first year she went off to university in the UK (4 years ago) by bringing back Ginger bread houses to make up. She invited her bestie to sleep the night before, and I made a brunch with bacon and eggs and pancakes for D, bestie, S and I to have before they started decorating the houses. As the kids grew, this has changed from brunch to Prosecco and nibbles.

From the second Christmas, my S and I also started going to stay with my cousin and her family for 2 or 3 nights over New Year's Eve. It felt good to leave the house before the CHristmas blues set in and hear new conversations.

This year with Covid, I don't think we'll be able to do any of our traditions. To the newbies, I feel for you and know exactly how hard this Christmas is for you and your kids, if you have them, to face. But as others said, they will get easier. I highly recommend pushing yourself to change your Christmas habits. If there is anything your H didn't want to do at Christmas, that is especially something you should do. It helps to make you realize that you are now free to do anything any way you wish to. That gave me a bit of a buzz.

Wishing you all, especially the newbies, a peaceful Christmas.

[FearNot]

Mmmm yup Christmas. It was confirmed on Christmas Eve day 2017 that there was an OW, that's when I looked at H's phone finally. We were at my mom's home and heading to H's family's. I ended up at home by myself, as I just couldn't do it (that's the short version lol). There was some Prosecco involved, lot's of tears, and I ended up here !! December 27 was a second BD. Truthfully, some of it is pretty hazy (not sure if that's the Vitamin Prosecco or just ...lol) ,  but the pain of what I felt is not hazy at all. I personally haven't been huge Christmas fan for many years ( H and I generally tried to be out of the country). I always found it difficult with my mom's remarriage etc. I kind of felt like... of course this would happen at Christmas. The first Christmas after, I distracted myself by making dinner for family and friends. Went all out, so I didn't have anytime to really think, until it was all over and then bam... Last year I was at my cousins, I went because I felt obligated. I felt numb and tried to just not go there in my mind. Basically just tried to avoid it.

This year, I am going back to my moms. I'm not even sure how I really feel about that. Funny enough as much as I don't want to feel the feels at my moms, this is the first time in many years where I have an overwhelming feeling that I need to go home for Christmas. The last Christmas I was there, my SD was still at home and not in long term care. I really don't know what to expect.

For all you newbies. It's hard... really hard, but you WILL get through it and do it whichever way you need to. Whether that is doing something completely different (this year is going to be different most likely due to the state of our world) or holding onto your treasured traditions, or skipping all of it, some of it. There is no right or wrong way to do it. But let your family and friends be there for you. It's a difficult time of year for many, and throwing all this in the mix just adds to it and big big hugs!!

I'll be keeping y'all in prayer.

FN

[Curiosity]

This is my first Christmas since BD. Last Christmas, the EA had started but BD1 was in March. It was obvious to me that something was happening - it felt like MIL and I were hangers-on at W and OW’s Christmas dinner. I had convinced myself that they were just friends; as far as I know, OW is straight. But there was clearly flirtation and closeness there; my W was clearly trying to make the holiday special for OW.

Now... I don’t know what Christmas will look like. Thanksgiving looked about how you would expect it to look in a pandemic... me, MIL, and W making a smaller version of the family’s traditional dinner. I know W is talking about putting up some lights at her rental place. She hasn’t said anything about putting up the tree or other decorations here, and I admit that I’m not really feeling in the spirit. Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday and Christmas felt like less of a big deal. But now... I kind of feel like the EA ruined any sort of joy I might have taken in the holiday season. And W is out of the EA but still in some sort of dysfunctional friendship with OW, but for her the holiday was mostly about throwing a big party and she can’t do that this year.

So...the holiday season here will be about relaxing and maybe seeking peace and healing while taking a break from the traditions that now have some painful associations.

[xyzcf]

It's a few days before Christmas, like none other.

The brokeness of our family seems more acute as the memories flood our consciousness. The decorations in our home, perhaps because they only come out once a year, remind us of Christmases past.

And then there is COVID and all the restrictions and limitations that go with it.

Today is the shortest day of the year. The longest night and I am pondering this cycle of change. Nothing stays stagnant. Tomorrow the days will start getting a tiny bit longer and the cycles of life continue.

These days will be tough, tougher even than most days for the LBSer and their families. My experience has been that once those tough days are over, the cycle of feeling more at ease will resume..it always does....

In the meantime I look at the gifts that are being given to me as I wait for the birth of Our Saviour.

Sunsets and sunrises, the Christmas lights at night, the cards from friends from long ago, packages from my daughter, the Christmas music that I play throughout the day both in my home and in my car that I sing along to, the friends who are checking in with me because they know I am totally alone (except for my beloved dog).

I often have used the phrase in writing to others here "be gentle with yourself".....you are ok, you are safe and even if you are experiencing more sadness or stress than usual....it will pass.

Have a blessed  week leading up to Christmas....reach out to others when you are feeling lonely...thank goodness for modern technology that allows us to face time and have zoom gatherings! This is yet another "gift"...that we can see one another virtually until the time when we can safely see one another in person again.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Yes,  this is a different year and we are all in a different place.  I am about to get a few things to make pies and peanut brittle. I will deliver them and on Christmas day, we are just planning a quiet day with a small family gathering. No gifts, just good food and spending time together- that's the gift of love.

I was reading on another post and it has really made me ponder.

"This too shall pass."

Depending on how you receive it, it can be a motivational, or a very condescending statement.  The reality is that everything shall pass....the question is what are you going to do during this time? Sometimes, you need to just wait it out, to not pull the trigger. However, even then, you should be putting your time to planning and focusing on your next move. Even when you are still, you are moving.

This Christmas, like all others will pass. The point is how will the time occupy your life? Will you make the best of the situation, or will you mourn the loss?

Well, it is a beautiful day and I have things to do....I hope everyone continues to enjoy their days and celebrate our accomplishments. Be safe and be proactive.

(((((Ready))))

[Standing Strong]

Oh yes Ready........ in my case: Cookies!!!

Bake them up, deliver them tomorrow.

Such a simple thing, but really nice, and really tasty!! HA!

Then, before you know it..... *POOF* it's all over and the shock that it was so quick will set in. Another year to go until Christmas is here again.

-SS

[UrsaMajor]

Seeing as there are lots of newcomers to the site lately and we are getting into the holiday season, I have resurrected this discussion thread because, as those of us who have been here a while (or even better, those like me who got BD's around the holiday) know, this can be a tough stretch to get through....

(Shout out to Nas for the GREAT idea to resurrect this thread!)

[titleholder]

I love love looooove the holiday season and I ain’t planning to let that bastard get me down! I’m planning on decorating the house, watching a zillion Christmas movies, visit friends and family and snuggling up with my D. I can’t wait!

[MadLuv]

Thanksgiving and Christmas the first year is a blur. XH had just left first week of November. None of it seemed real. I wasn’t affected to much as I thought he would come to his senses. 2nd year I did the minimal decorating and just got through the day. It went fine, but was glad it was over. This year!!

I am decorating a lot. Everyone is coming for Xmas and no one for Thanksgiving and I have learned that my fairytale life has changed and I can’t control it and I just appreciate what I have and when my kids can get together. I think it takes a bit to adjust to letting go of what was and and accepting what is .

I will say I have a dog sitter that comes when I go out of town and she messaged me pictures of my dog and noted that she loved my house and Christmas decor and how I put everything together. She said, I didnt want to leave. I feel the same. I walk through my house and I appreciate the twinkling lights and the love of the decor and honestly think to myself…. How sad for my XH that he gave up such a wonderful life, but I am still here and I am going to appreciate it ALL ❤️

[Treasur]

Great idea to resurrect the thread.
I gave myself permission to pretty much ignore Christmas for a couple of years. With the absence of my parents and my h, it was just beyond me. And then I sort of edged up on it slowly, albeit with occasional tears. And now I do it differently, smaller, but with a great sense of gratitude for all the small things I like about it. Like MadLuv, tbh the most helpful thing was to give myself permission to accept that Christmas was different for me now whether I liked it or not and work with that.....

[Nas]

.

[Nas]

Hmm…weird, I wrote a whole post in the middle of the night last night, but I guess it went poof like a lot of other things.

Oh well. Bring on the holidays, I guess…

https://youtu.be/w8HWHd0EYJA

[Zion]

Nas, I was wondering add night with the “.” post! That stinks.

About year 2 I bought the most obnoxious 9” pre-lite artificial tree which goes up the day after Thanksgiving.  I also pay a service to come put my Christmas lights up, which go up before Thanksgiving (gotta enjoy it for the $$$).

I just wanted to appear to be surviving the holidays but 5 years in I am really enjoying the holidays again!

[KeepItTogether]

Fake it 'til you make it, right Zion?  I think that is what I did. And it worked!

Nas--everyone out here has ALL of their Christmas decorations up the day after Halloween. Not me though. Mostly out of laziness.

I bought a pre-lit fake tree and had a service put up my exterior lights too. Initially I did it so then S9 would see everything was as it always was, even if it wasn't. But then he and I started a few new traditions that still stick with us. One thing that was, and remains, different, is that I no longer feel stressed out at the holidays. I just enjoy the moments. This year will be different again though. I am pretty confident that we will be able to adapt though. LBS super strength I suppose.

I am hoping everyone here finds the strength and peace to survive, and even enjoy a few moments, this holiday season. 

[Evermore]

I also pay a service to come put my Christmas lights up

...had a service put up my exterior lights

I never imagined there even was such a thing (Aussie here)! Sounds a great idea though. I have some fairy lights that I bought years ago that every year I say I'm going to put up... but never get around to. I just said the other day to D21 that this year we WILL put them up 

[UrsaMajor]

I never imagined there even was such a thing (Aussie here)! Sounds a great idea though. I have some fairy lights that I bought years ago that every year I say I'm going to put up... but never get around to. I just said the other day to D21 that this year we WILL put them up 

So, your new Christmas tradition is to say that you'll get the lights up and then not getting the lights up?

[Evermore]

I never imagined there even was such a thing (Aussie here)! Sounds a great idea though. I have some fairy lights that I bought years ago that every year I say I'm going to put up... but never get around to. I just said the other day to D21 that this year we WILL put them up 

So, your new Christmas tradition is to say that you'll get the lights up and then not getting the lights up?

Well... I'm not sure that's a NEW Christmas tradition...

You see we also have a tradition that we put the tree/decorations up on D23's BDay (30/11) and take them down on D21's BDay (30/12). But we NEVER do! Hahaha

[Nas]

This used to be my favorite chaotic week of the year. I’d start preparing on Sunday afternoon and be out straight all week but I didn’t mind. I loved it.
I used to know it all by heart but I’ve forgotten most recipes now. I’m thinking I’ll start making just one for myself each holiday. This year, depending, maybe I’ll toss together my famous rainbow chard and butternut squash casserole with goat cheese. I’m okay leaving the past behind, but the food is worth taking along…


https://youtu.be/uv8SF4vZLlc

[Zion]

Nas, please please agree the recipe!!! That sound lovely!

[KeepItTogether]

Yes please Nas--that Rainbow Chard/butternut squash sounds amazing!!!

[Nas]

Yes please Nas--that Rainbow Chard/butternut squash sounds amazing!!!

Sorry, kids, I looked everywhere and my holiday recipes seem to have all gotten lost along the way. I had a million of them, some my own, others passed on from people. No idea where they ended up, but they are gone. I think I probably realized they were gone last year or even before that, but then forgot again. I'd try to recreate it for you but I didn't even try to make it - I know I'm forgetting a few key steps and ingredients. Might be too on the nose to say my lost holiday recipes are a metaphor. I could start a new collection, but, eh...starting over, starting over, starting over, anyone else hear that echo?

I hope everyone who observed the holiday had a good day, or at least a day they got through in whatever way worked. I'm grappling lately with coming to terms with some realities I think I've been deluding myself about, and holiday season is kind of a huge spotlight on it all. My day started okay and later took an unexpectedly somber turn...well, maybe not so unexpected, because truly nothing is unexpected anymore, and maybe 'somber' isn't the exact right word, but maybe truly nothing is the exact right anything and exact right words are increasingly escaping me lately.

I have been volunteering since BD and now it's like the only time I feel useful and acceptable and maybe even worthy. I make sure to sign up far in advance for holidays and it helps me a lot so maybe my volunteering has a selfish bent, but it's my new holiday normal I guess. I realized yesterday that it just felt normal, no longer like it was a fill-in activity to replace what I thought I'd be doing on a holiday.  Just wanted to share that in case it resonates with anyone.


https://youtu.be/Fbg5msYjol8

[FaithWalker]

I think back in December of 2017 I shared some tips on Surviving the Holidays from my DivorceCare booklet I had gotten.

Newbies, feel free to have a read if you'd like.  It starts on page 6 and should be easy to find when scrolling as I put them all in Bold titles with Italics.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9588.50

[Nas]

My current work schedule and other challenges just might irreparably break me, but if I stop to rest I’m afraid I’ll never get going again, so instead of napping, I forced myself to put up the Christmas decorations.

I’ve been in a real “efffff it, what’s the point, just throw in the towel” mood. Something about an explosion of holiday decorations changes the whole atmosphere. They absolutely take over the whole room so it’s almost like a change of scenery, and a change of scenery is always healing.

So for now when I contemplate packing it in, there’s an absurdly large Santa looming behind me, practically taunting me: “don’t you dare give up or you’ll never get off the naughty list.”

The point of this post: twinkling lights make even the bleakest things look a little better. I’m glad I decorated. It helps.

🎶  https://youtu.be/i3RRP3rY9mU  🎶

[UrsaMajor]

One does NOT want to end up on the "Naughty List!"

[Nas]

Ursa, that was… disconcerting 😬

Just got back from delivering 25 Christmas stockings full of toys and practical items. I didn’t reach my own arbitrary goal of 30 but it’s still a good batch and this is my favorite new tradition that I started my first Christmas after BD.
This year had a few bumps (someone stole grocery store gift cards and other items out of one of my donation boxes when I left it unattended for all of 20 minutes    )

This year in addition to local donations, I also set up an amazon wishlist so people could purchase items that would be delivered directly to me to be added to stockings for various age groups That worked out okay but needs some tweaking for next year.

Anyway, just sharing another idea for anyone looking for ways to at least temporarily keep your mind off life’s other stressors during the holidays. You can arrange to deliver donations to your local fire department, YMCA, food bank (arrange with them early in the fall, they all have different preferences about what they need and will/won’t accept).

[Treasur]

Just saw - and took part in - a lovely idea from my small local independent bookshop. You buy a book of your choice and they gift wrap it and deliver it to a patient in our local hospital on Christmas Eve. Isn’t that a nice idea? (I picked H is for Hawk, a lovely book that could be enjoyed by different ages and genders)

[Acorn]

Generous giving of your mental energy, time and empathy, I believe, is a powerful antidote to the sense of entitlement, materialism and downright selfishness that seem to be more noticeable during the festive season. 

Thank you, Nas and Treasur, for spreading love and care. 

That prods me to hurry up with completing  various handcraft items for the less fortunate among us.

[Biscuit]

Well said Acorn!

[UrsaMajor]

Ursa, that was… disconcerting 😬

Well, my other option was ...

Shall we just say ...

NSFHS

If you really want to see it, here's the link: https://media.giphy.com/media/47lf1638GDedZAnPQX/giphy.gif
 

[Nas]

Ursa, I wish I knew how to insert a GIF, but if you're familiar with Valerie Cherish from The Comeback: "I don't need to see that!"

[UrsaMajor]

Ursa, I wish I knew how to insert a GIF, but if you're familiar with Valerie Cherish from The Comeback: "I don't need to see that!"

You mean this one?



 

[FaithWalker]

Lowes got a bunch of their contractors to donate toys and I got to be one of the ones to pick them up.  We filled in the gaps on some of our angel tree kiddos and dropped off to 2 schools for delivery.  The rest of the toys are going to the Reach program, which is our homeless kids in school.  They received clothing donations but no toys.

I had a lot of fun dropping off angel tree gifts to my old school where I used to work.  We were able to bless 17 kids there and another 33 at another elementary school.

[Nas]

Bumping this one, especially in light of all the newbies.

[Nas]

People get into relationships for lots of reasons, often it’s so that the relationship/other person can provide them something they can’t provide themselves, whether that’s material or emotional, and this is generally not a conscious thing. Lots of times we see it in others and it appears very calculated (the affair partner spending all the MLCer’s money, for example), but I think even then, it’s not as thought out as it appears. People often look to others for what’s missing in themselves or in their lives, or to fulfill some deep rooted need for safety, security, feeling taken care of, etcetera.

If our relationship/partner provides us something (or a whole bunch of somethings) we can’t provide ourselves, then losing the relationship/partner will leave us feeling like we’ve lost everything. My perception of my marriage was that it provided me with a stable place in the world (more importantly, a place of import in someone else’s world, which was important to my very wounded inner child) and a fixed identity that showed the world I fit somewhere, I had a right to exist.  When the marriage ended, I lost everything material, but what toppled me most was losing the illusion of mattering.  Because I let my marriage provide me what I needed to be providing to myself, I was left feeling like I had nothing – nothing for myself and nothing to offer anyone else.  I’ve found over the years that giving something, however small, helped me see that I have something to offer. I do a stocking drive every year and collect donations to fill up holiday stockings with necessities for families in need – each stocking is created for a different age group, from infants to adults. Things like that are easy to organize and don’t take too much time if you’re also busy with work and other responsibilities, but it’s a good way to change the perspective of having “lost everything.”  If I had nothing (translation: if I was worth nothing), I’d have nothing to give. If I have something to give, I don’t have nothing.
I've shared about this before, but this year I feel more emphasis on 'making it' than 'faking it' so I thought I'd share it again.

(I don't really like Christmas music, here's the closest I can get atm)
https://youtu.be/PuqASfQ91k8?si=LLTJmOsUIv9toLC3

[Treasur]

If I have something to give, I don’t have nothing.

For a time, I was so broken, I didn’t.
It felt very reassuring once I did.

I am one of those LBS who was also bereaved at the same time as BD. No sibling. No kids. I used to love Christmas and then it just hurt too much. It helped to accept that, no matter how much I wished I could, it simply was not possible for me to approach it the same way once I’d lost my whole family unit. So I tried different things until I found ones that worked for me…..and it helped to acknowledge that, for a variety of reasons, a lot of people out there find holiday seasons far from easy, not just me 

[Nas]

If I have something to give, I don’t have nothing.

For a time, I was so broken, I didn’t.
It felt very reassuring once I did.

That's a good point, Treasur, and I should stress that I don't mean to be telling newbies to simply find a way to enjoy the holidays.

I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone, for a very long time.  It's no coincidence that I chose to get married the day after Thanksgiving. It was like reclaiming the holiday season as "mine," as a time when I could finally be included, be part of the "happiness" everyone else was experiencing. What I realized is my "love" of the holidays all those years was also an illusion, where my need for love and safety and understanding and stability were all precariously heaped on top of the circumstances I was in: married, in my cozy home, with my former H's family who would come celebrate and make me feel like I had a place where I mattered. And when those circumstances changed, all the things I'd made contingent on those circumstances disappeared. For newbies, I'm not saying I would have had a jolly old Christmas after BD if only I'd not put all my needs on someone (or more precisely, something) else - definitely not. I'm just sharing what I've learned about myself, and what helped me. Hopefully, like Treasur says, you'll all find what works for you.

[mcm64d]

I'd better read this post at home. Sounds like me and Treasur are/ were in the same boat.

[mcm64d]

Yes Treasur and I are kind of in the same position. With Thanksgiving coming up next week, I will have nowhere to go. Two of my friends' families will be traveling. The third friend's family, whom I have know most of my 52 years, I cannot visit. Her husband cheated on her 20+ years ago and gutted her. He soon realized how I felt about that and has never had an urge to confront me to this day. Fair enough. For that, I can hold my head up high. And so can his wife, my best friend, who forgave and stayed with him.I love Thanksgiving.

I even hosted it for my wife and her grandmother as my wife's mom was too ill to host it herself. I made the turkey, stuffing, mashed, apple pie (in cast iron skillet) all from scratch. And I have a habit of doing goofy things... like silly song parodies about mundane things, or setting a place at the Thanksgiving table for the cat (yes Treasur, again with my cat  ), or feeding the squirrels walnuts because "it's Thanksgiving for squirrels too". My wife, who has since insists I am a no good psycho, used to love this about me. So did I. Sadly, no more,....

Christmas I do have a couple places to go but each family has young kids. Christmas was always hard growing up. Alcoholism and abuse were prevalent in my house and we were quite poor. So I never had good Christmas seasons generally.. This year, being the first since my impending divorce, with no family of my own, I will be spending it alone. There is no way I will risk even the slightest sadness affecting a young kid's Christmas and I am too emotional about it now, about 6 weeks out.

And right this moment I am flooded with tears thinking about not being able to give my wife something she usually loved. That hurts the most and she did it!!

But I want each and everyone of you to know that this site is my Christmas gift this year, Thank you all. Given the circumstances I wouldn't want anything else.

So while I sit here trying to imagine and become the best version of me I can after this disaster, I will enjoy the holidays trying to imagine how I would want things to go should I be fortunate enough to have a family again. And maybe a bottle or two of wine....

[FaithWalker]

Holidays for me, particularly Christmas were tough in those early years.  Wedding anniversary December 1st, Bomb Drop the middle of December after our 14th anniversary, a fixation on a possible alienator that I knew and was in the same room with and being completely ignored and mistreated at a Christmas party while he carried her bags to from her car, to finding divorce papers in the printer on Christmas Eve and then him filing for divorce just after New Years, it definitely left a lot of triggers and landmines to dance around every year.  Not to mention that due to the nature of FIL's job, we spent Christmas every year with MLCers family.

For the kids and I (10, 13 and 15 at the time of BD, 11, 14 and 16 at our first Christmas after BD AND Divorce AND losing our home) we had to let go of what was and start new traditions.  It wasn't easy, but we forged ahead, and though it took a few Christmases to get into a rhythm, I did find my JOY of the Holiday Season again.  There has always been a shadow.  Sometimes the shadow was very very small, and sometimes the shadow loomed very large and dark.  But I've learned how to not feed the shadow.

[Reinventing]

If I felt I wasn't going to do well in a situation, I did ask help from folks. I would unabashedly ask to join another family that I knew, even for a short time. You don't have to stay the whole time.

As an example, I went on a work trip and knew I couldn't be in my hotel room by myself for long periods of time or I would crawl out of my skin. This was before I found relief in running. So I asked work colleagues to sit with me in the lobby and talk, to go for walks with me in the surrounding area, to eat breakfast with me. In fact, "strongly ask" was more how I did it.

It turns out a couple of these folks ended up in their own crises a few years later and reached out to me for support, which I gladly gave.

Ask. Think broadly about folks you may be able to join, and if not to eat, to watch the game or something. The pain doesn't go away but it can help to be around other people, imo.

I buy chestnuts for the squirrels at Thanksgiving.

[MadLuv]

I have no extended family close. Both parents are gone. Last year I made thanksgiving for myself and ate it all week and I enjoyed it. Christmas this year I think I am skipping all together. I miss cooking for my family, but I am accepting of this is how it is. I am truly at a place of what do I want. I feel I have put everyone before me my entire life and it has left me pretty much alone now for the holidays. 

I have to say I struggle with seeing other families celebrating and all the hype pn TV and think how sad for so many that I never realized fully. So, I think we can always find appreciation in the fact we could all have it worse in some way or another. That is how I try to see everything now.

[mcm64d]

I feel I have put everyone before me my entire life and it has left me pretty much alone now for the holidays. 

I can empathize and sympathize. I am so very sorry for this.

[Baxter1]

Not sure how XMas will go this year. It sucks that we had such great holidays in the past but now it’s all awkward and just not the same. I have great memories of holidays past, I will hold onto those and appreciate the good times we did have.

[Nas]

As Thanksgiving day comes to a close in the States, I’m thinking of all the newbies and hope that everyone is hanging in there. I remember my first holidays after BD, how lost I felt.

I didn’t celebrate today, I actually worked like any normal Thursday (except no interruptions lol). But I did for the first time in a very long time take a few moments today to think about some things I’m thankful for. I don’t know what’s shifted for me but something has certainly shifted.  It’s not that I haven’t been grateful at all over the past few years, intellectually I was able to say there were things I was grateful for, I knew I should be grateful for, but I felt undeserving of them, and I felt like a terrible, spoiled, selfish person for not being able to get out from under the avalanche of difficulties to focus more on the things I should be grateful for. I feel like I’m seeing things and people more clearly. I’m seeing myself more clearly. 

Just a few short years ago during the holidays I was abandoned (not just by my H), homeless, destitute, undergoing chemotherapy… I don’t know why or how I managed to survive. And I might not have, but thankfully there does exist some good in the world and that good found me at my lowest. So I can’t take complete credit for my survival, I’m forever indebted and forever grateful.

I’m also forever changed - by everything that has happened, throughout my life, but mostly over the past few years. It’s never been easy, it’s never going to be easy, and it’s not fair. But practicing nonattachment has allowed me moments of appreciation for what is instead of overwhelming fear about what’s to come, and I am learning more and more to embrace those moments. It doesn’t mean I don’t still have significant anxiety and stress about the way forward, if there is a way.  But this is a vast improvement over when I was ready to give up on myself completely.

So I guess I’m posting here to say that just like we say that, for the person in crisis, their feelings are not facts, neither are ours. How you feel right now is not how you will feel forever. Grieve, allow yourself the space to be angry, confused, sad. You will survive this. But it does take more than just time. It takes a lot more than just time.

🎶 https://youtu.be/b_3oFRcTNHo?si=Y-YoKQ38dyW-JBl8

We cannot cling to the old dreams anymore
No, we cannot cling to those dreams
Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body?
I don't know…

[mcm64d]

You are truly inspirational Nas. I am so sorry to hear your story but I am grateful you have found some time and space to acknowledge some of those things you are grateful for. You are more than deserving!!

[Nas]

I came here to say I hope everyone going through a hard time gets through the next week-plus okay - and then in looking at my last post, I noticed a glaring error:

Just a few short years ago during the holidays I was abandoned (not just by my H),

That should say I was feeling abandoned - but feelings are not facts.  The person I had long, long, long ago been abandoned by was myself. 
I set 1 goal for myself for 2024, and I already achieved it - you'd think I'd set another but, no, I'm still treading lightly. 2023...I can't put it in words. It was excruciating.  But I learned a lot, about myself and about other people. I know what matters to me. I know what I'll accept and what I won't. I know what I need and what I desire, and the difference between those two things. I know that my needs matter.  I know what I want and what I don't, and that circumstances may preclude me from having what I want, but that doesn't make me less deserving of it, or less deserving of anything. I have lived a life of utter chaos, much of it (in my younger days) performative, playing pretend, trying things out, learning how to actually exist in the world by diving in head first without a f**king clue, making mistakes, but also getting it right sometimes. But I realize now I know deep down who I am, and I always have, because there are important core parts of me that have always been there that I don't abandoned or compromise no matter what changes or how hard life gets. And I know that having a hard life doesn't make me any less than anyone else.

I really didn't come here intending to share that, but there it is. I really just came to say, I know it's hard. I wish I could say there's something that can make it less hard, but in truth, there isn't. You can be surrounded by a huge supportive, loving family, but the wound is still fresh. So just take care of yourself as best you can. Don't self-abandon - you are not dependent on another to be whole.  You never were.  You may not believe that right now, but you will in time, so for now, just do what you can to get yourself through, whether that's eating your favorite food, buying yourself a little something you normally wouldn't, leaning on others or choose to watching movies with yourself all day. 

I'm at a loss for an appropriate song to link, sorry. Open to any suggestions...

[Nas]

I'm at a loss for an appropriate song to link, sorry. Open to any suggestions...

The unofficial music/soundtrack supervisor of life suggested this stellar choice for my last post:
https://youtu.be/HTCJKbpWATQ?si=uNrFEiRuu7JevJ03

And just in case I sounded too optimistic, I’d like to sum up the holidays for me in one short anecdote:
I went over to just drop off a gift for my niece and nephew. I parked my car in the driveway, where you’re supposed to park because street parking is not allowed, and ran inside to give them their presents. in the short time that I was inside, one of my brothers backed his car into mine, then proceeded to yell and curse at me for committing the crime of getting my car backed into.
Merry Christmas, God bless us everyone…

[mcm64d]

Happy Holidays!!!

Lesson learned. I will never park in the driveway.

[xyzcf]

Merry Christmas to those who are at the beginning of this journey, in the middle and many years down the line. The mass we attended last night focused on hope and the hope that we can have.

Our hope changes from year to year as we navigate these dark and troubled times.

As many of you already know, I have always believed in MLC as something that happened to my husband, beyond his control, that blew up my life and caused so much pain...there were times I could not breath. I have also accepted who he has become and wanted very much for our family to be able to still have the ability to spend time together.

At first, this was very difficult, and I could have shut the door and threw away the keys, because it hurt to have contact. But I knew what I wanted, for him, for our daughter and even for myself...family.

Painfully and very very slowly, the years went by and we included him in our lives, especially at holiday time. It was not easy.

Gradually, I became stronger, more relaxed, more accepting and perhaps always trying to understand .....as Treasur often used the words of changing one's lens, I tried to understand his life from his view.

And although he has changed and I have changed and we do not seem to want the same things in life anymore, where we once were on a set of railway tracks, speeding along side by side....years have gone by and that is not so anymore.

Why did I believe this contact to be so important? It shows up in a picture I took of him and our daughter pressed up to his chest...it's the same position she had when she was 16 and heading to a formal dance, this is her dad and he disappeared from her life for a very long time.

We are together in my home, cooking together....a few days ago, walking in a shopping area of town, a man yelled out to us "what a handsome couple"...indeed.

He brought us all thoughtful and lovely gifts...his love language is "gift giving" and a card expressing how grateful he is that we can spend time together as a family and how important those ties are.

Last evening, we went together as a family to mass....

It is not the "ending" that I had wanted many years ago but there is still a deep connection and love between us.

So, we have no idea how things will turn out. Without my openness and ability to forgive, this would not be possible.

Some here will scoff and think I am "settling" or not "getting my needs met" so why would I "allow this???

We always say everyone's situation is different and you will know what is right for you...even though many will tell you you are wrong.

This was not wrong for our family....I do not regret leaving the door open.

Just another long time ago story and how things have turned out. In a month or so, we'll meet our daughter and son in law for a sunny beach vacation...he and I will stay longer....his idea.

Blessings to you on the holy and special day!

[marvin4242]

Merry Christmas and a general holiday season best wishes to all. I wanted to share what I see 7 years out from the Christmas where my wife had her first visible break in her final falling apart.

What I see from my own story and others is this: the hardest part still seems to be acceptance. To accept that what is/has happened is real, that it is significant, and it is not a "phase" or "journey." Seven years out I can see how much worse it would have been if i had not pushed myself to move forward with my life DESPITE every fiber of my being screaming and clinging to the idea that somehow all this could be "undone" or "restored." There have been many dips into the lake of sorrows, many Christmases and other days of note filled with feeling of loss. But if I had not forced myself to move and create a life separate from my W i would still be living a fragment of a life. And considering we only have a limited amount of time I am not sure what it would have gained for me accept more pain, more damage and a form of clinging to a past that will never come back.

I do not want to make it seem like I am bitter or angry, I really am not. And I am still in contact with my W. In fact she threw a last minute invite for me to join her and her sister for Christmas (believe me there is no rhyme or reason than maybe guilt or needing something or maybe a momentary memory of Christmases past). The only benefit of having been in contact is I still get to see how real this MLC damage is to the person, how it is not a "process" and how more likely that not she will never recover. Without the contact I probably could have created my own "story" about what is going on. But there has been nothing else positive from any interaction I have had with her over the years, even when she is most like her old sense. I just feel sad for her.

So if you are in the earlier stages of your journey try to think ahead and really consider how you would like to spend the next seven years of your life.

[Evermore]

What I see from my own story and others is this: the hardest part still seems to be acceptance. To accept that what is/has happened is real, that it is significant, and it is not a "phase" or "journey." Seven years out I can see how much worse it would have been if i had not pushed myself to move forward with my life DESPITE every fiber of my being screaming and clinging to the idea that somehow all this could be "undone" or "restored." There have been many dips into the lake of sorrows, many Christmases and other days of note filled with feeling of loss. But if I had not forced myself to move and create a life separate from my W i would still be living a fragment of a life. And considering we only have a limited amount of time I am not sure what it would have gained for me accept more pain, more damage and a form of clinging to a past that will never come back.

Yes Marvin, I am also feeling very glad I forced myself to move forward. I am only 5 years in, and it’s only a year ago that I forced myself to consider allowing a new life to find me (one did 6 months ago ).

I’m not sure I agree that people don’t ever move through their crisis and restore themselves (and past relationships). We have evidence on the forum that that can sometimes happen. It’s still possible that my xH will at some stage look back again towards me (he certainly makes it clear he wants to maintain a relationship with me and it’s evident he constantly ‘watches’ what I do). But it’s just as possible (more than likely now I think) that he will continue on with the path he has chosen. I know (and he knows) it’s not the happy joy joy life he thought he was traipsing off to. But it appears it is a good enough new life for him and I think he feels it would double down on damage to try to roll things back after all the initial damage. He is clearly still well attached to his OW (and she to him), whilst also still attached to me. As I said to him way back then ‘we’ll just all have to learn to live with the $h!tety situation we find ourselves in’.

As mentioned on my own thread, I’ve recently agreed to start attending family functions when the OW is present. First time was at our eldest D’s BDay. It was weird but I coped. On this Christmas Eve, where for the past few years myself and D22 have gone to eldest D’s house (with my mum and D25’s partner’s mum too) I told D25 it was ok if she wanted to invite her dad… etc ( ). It was a smaller gathering than her Bday but she did invite a few extra close family members too and M (my ‘new life’ 😉) came with me of course. But it was still ok. As at D25’s BDay, xH made extra effort to engage M in conversation (this time it was me getting up to use the loo and xH taking my seat!). My girls seem very happy with this new development (it makes things much easier for them).

All of that ^ is simply to show newbies that you just never know what twists and turns will happen in coming years. I would have bet a million trillion dollars that a) xH wouldn’t have done what he did, b) that I would EVER! be ok to attend family functions with OW, or c) that I would have so easily found a lovely man to start a bright new future with.

So I agree with both XY that allowing contact can be good for our ‘family’, and with Marvin that we can’t cling on to a past that has been swept away. Merry Christmas to all. Xx