Midlife Crisis > Resources

 Resources: Mirror Work & Paving the Way

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Rollercoasterider:

* Mirror-Work
The Landing Page for Mirror-Work articles
* The Releasers
The series presently starts with Detachment.
* Positive Mental Attitude
This is a piece within the Choose Joy article series.
* Who Are You?

Rollercoasterider:
James J. Messina’s Tools For Coping Series
Book 1: The Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous Manual
Book 2: Laying the Foundation
Book 3: Tools for Handling Loss
Book 4: Tools for Personal Growth
Book 5: Tools for Relationships
Book 6: Tools for Communications
Book 7: Tools for Anger Work-Out
Book 8: Tools for Handling Control Issues

These are the nine initial books of the series, he later added more to cover additional topics. Several years ago I found Dr. Messina’s articles and created a link list. His webpage has since changed and I have updated the and realized there are many more articles—I had only a few of the many chapters from The Coping Series. I am providing links to those articles I originally had listed and when you follow, you will be able to see others in his menu. I am not endorsing the articles linked here more than those I have not linked. I think the entire series is worth reading.
The article that is most valuable to many here is the Detachment article. I have put that in a larger font so you can find it quickly.

Tools For Handling Loss
CH 2: Stages of the Loss Process

Tools For Personal Growth
CH 1: Understanding Self-Esteem
CH 3: Self-Affirmations That Work
CH 5: Building Trust
CH 6: Handling Insecurity
CH 12: Overcoming Perfectionism
CH 14: Developing Patience
CH 17: Stress Reduction

Tools For Relationships
CH 4: Handling Fear of Rejection
CH 6: Improving Assertive Behavior
CH 7: Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr
CH 10: Goal-Setting in Relationships
CH 11: Handling Intimacy
CH 12: Handling a Fantasy Relationship
CH 13: Handling Forgiving and Forgetting

Tools For Communications
CH 2: Improving Listening Skills

Tools For Anger Work-out
CH 7: Handling Resentment
CH 14: Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness

Tools For Handling Control Issues
CH 7: Letting Go Uncontrollables and Unchangables
CH 8: Developing Detachment
CH 11: Eliminating Manipulation

Rollercoasterider:
Get To Know Yourself
http://www.ofspirit.com/kimberlyfulcher1.htm

Healing a Broken Heart
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Alice1.html

The Gift of Caring
http://www.alaskawellness.com/RelationshipsArchive.htm

The Myth of the Stages of Dying, Death and Grief
http://grief.net/Myth%20of%20Stages.pdf

OldPilot:
This book I would highly reccomend reading for the LBS is Susan Anderson's
The Journey From Abandonment To Healing.
Susan Anderson has been working with abandoned spouses for 25 years, has identified slightly different stages and considers the LBS/Abandoned experience akin to a form of PTSD.
It is helped me tremendously.

Here is the link for the outer child inventory

http://www.outerchild.net/

According to Anderson we all have an inner child and outer child conflict.
By identifying our outer child traits we can help to overcome the outer child and become adults.

Also want to put a post in here from the DB Board
written by Lost For Words on the Stages of the LBS

My thoughts on the LBS stages;

Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?

Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!

Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.

Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.

Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.

Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.

Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.

Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.

Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Having nothing to do with my POST but to add on to the Messina Article all the Detachment articles

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
this post is missing from this website

Also it is in a PDF file on a dartmouth website
found below here
Be Patient and Let Go
www.dartmouth.edu/~eap/library/developingdetachment.docx

and Post #7 of this thread by HB

HeartsBlessing:



Hello again Friends,

Now pay strict attention, this thread covers the LESSONS you need to learn as you take your personal journey to wholeness.  I created the lessons as I learned them...during the time of my husband's crisis there wasn't much information on MLC, much less what you had to learn about what to fix within yourself.  These were created with the insight the Lord provided me with, much like the inspirational help I got in writing the stages.

There were added things I put in that I'd thought would help at that time...feel free to skip over what you don't think is relevant.

The "Time-line" sermon outlined my own history, so I will include it as well, and these are posted in the SAME order I wrote them so long ago.

Enjoy the reading, and prepare to learn the lessons of a lifetime...these ARE the SAME lessons the MLC'er SHOULD learn as he/she comes through the tunnel, except of course for the "time line" sermon. :)

When you wade your way through these, there is an added post from my views in this present day and time. :)

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