[Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?]

Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?

Yes

65 (70.7%)

No

17 (18.5%)

Don't Know

10 (10.9%)

Total Members Voted: 92

[Kintsugi]

Look at what they will do to keep the magic boner alive even in their 70's - Viagra even it it kills them with a heart attack! -and we are talking about men MLCers in their late 40's to early 50's who suddenly find that the machine doesn't work quite the way it used to.  For men that is a biggie.  Couple that with all of a sudden realizing they are getting older.  Serious ego issues arise.  The quest for eternal youth is on!  Diet, exercise, clothes that might look a bit too young and of course the much younger woman. 

I love this.  I think part of the reason MLC doesn't get formally addressed is a combination of the male ego and also a bit of the double standard. An older guy messing with younger women makes him look better, at least to himself and maybe some other men.  If he messes with younger women, then he still "has it".  He can blame his weenie issues on the wife because it couldn't possibly be his fault, could it? 
I also think that there isn't money to be made on this issue which is why it fails to be addressed at the medical and professional levels.  We can address some of the symptoms (depression and anxiety) but not the MLC as a whole.  And who admits they're in MLC?  Seems like a pride issue.  I think some other things that make it hard to be addressed are also that when you mention MLC, people think of an old, fat bald guy driving a brand new corvette and that's not what it is about. 

[BrenM]

My theory is that extreme CB`s have the strong need to spew out venom to their LBSers and in a lot of cases their children, whom they had always idolised pre to their MLC. IMHO they do it in order to "feel alive" rather than a "deep emptiness".

From all the information I`ve read and looked at in the past few years (thousands of articles, threads, various MLC Forums, YouTube, etc., etc.) and my own experiences with P,  it appears as though they spew the most venom at times when things haven`t been going so well in their new lives.

So to say, the NOVELTY has worn off in regards to OW/OM and/or anything else for that matter, whether it be the NEW sports car, motorcycle, hobbys, partying, friends, etc., etc., that enabled the MLCer to "feel something" and unfortunately the ones closest to the MLCer, which happen to be the LBSers and the children are those who are on the receiving side.

I have read similar posts as well.  I just pray that it is correct.

I often wonder how he will ever repair the emotional damage caused by his venom spewing outbursts. 

[BrenM]

Look at what they will do to keep the magic boner alive even in their 70's - Viagra even it it kills them with a heart attack! -and we are talking about men MLCers in their late 40's to early 50's who suddenly find that the machine doesn't work quite the way it used to.  For men that is a biggie.  Couple that with all of a sudden realizing they are getting older.  Serious ego issues arise.  The quest for eternal youth is on!  Diet, exercise, clothes that might look a bit too young and of course the much younger woman. 

I love this.  I think part of the reason MLC doesn't get formally addressed is a combination of the male ego and also a bit of the double standard. An older guy messing with younger women makes him look better, at least to himself and maybe some other men.  If he messes with younger women, then he still "has it".  He can blame his weenie issues on the wife because it couldn't possibly be his fault, could it? 
I also think that there isn't money to be made on this issue which is why it fails to be addressed at the medical and professional levels.  We can address some of the symptoms (depression and anxiety) but not the MLC as a whole.  And who admits they're in MLC?  Seems like a pride issue.  I think some other things that make it hard to be addressed are also that when you mention MLC, people think of an old, fat bald guy driving a brand new corvette and that's not what it is about. 

You've hit the nail right on the head!!!

[nah]

Medically is a different issue but I'm surprised to see not recognized in society on this thread.

Is this just my experience?

When I told my mother that husband had left she didn't hesitate.  "Oh yes, men, when they get a certain age something happens to their brains, don't worry, it will take time but he'll be back".  She didn't even seemed too surprised, like it was normal.

Just the other day I ran into a "hockey mom" that I haven't seen in a few years.  After chatting for a while, I said, well I'm sure you heard Mr Nah left.  She said, "yes, I heard he's having a MLC".  This is common when I run into people.

Old friends, co-workers, his friends and co-workers, most of them say the term "MLC" before I do. 

Yes, some will say something along the lines that "MLC" is just an excuse for bad behavior.  Funny thing though, my experience is that the MLCers don't use "MLC" as an excuse as much as we do.  It seems to me that everybody around the Leaver uses the term MLC except him. 

In the early days when I made the typical mistake of using the term to him, he rolled his eyes and snickered, like I was being ridiculous.  He was also convinced that I was talking to his friends and telling them to make fun of him for having a MLC.  This was "locker room talk" with his hockey friends.  I never talked to them, I don't even know most of them.  THEY on their own, were "busting his balls" and using the term "MLC".  He was angry with me b/c in his words, "everyone says I'm stupid, I'm not stupid you know".  He kept repeating this same phrase again and again to me at one of our divorce hearings.  He calmed down when I finally said that I had no idea who called him stupid and I never said anything to anybody about him being stupid.

Maybe it's because the Leaver is so very stereotypical?

[BrenM]

I am finding the poll results very interesting.  If you haven't cast your poll can you please do so.  Unsure if others agree?

I strongly believe my husband growing up with an abusive, cold hearted, critising, loveless father has somehow caused his MLC.  My husband is becoming the man (especially to his children) that he has had no respect for years.  The man who he hated to be around, so distanced himself in his adult years.  The man and person who he swore he would never become

[BrenM]

   He was angry with me b/c in his words, "everyone says I'm stupid, I'm not stupid you know".  He kept repeating this same phrase again and again to me at one of our divorce hearings.  He calmed down when I finally said that I had no idea who called him stupid and I never said anything to anybody about him being stupid.

Nah, for some unknown reason my husband has made reference to me during contact (which is almost non existent) that he is not stupid.  He has repeated this several times.   I always reply to him that I have never called him stupid and would never say that because he is not.......unsure if this is something that his father constantly said to him when he was growing up and in his confused state blames me?  Everything seems to be my fault in his eyes ATM 😢

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I also think that there isn't money to be made on this issue which is why it fails to be addressed at the medical and professional levels. 

What do you mean there isn't any money to be made on this? Do you know how much money I've paid to divorce lawyers? That's why nothing is done about it.

[Velika]

I strongly believe my husband growing up with an abusive, cold hearted, critising, loveless father has somehow caused his MLC.  My husband is becoming the man (especially to his children) that he has had no respect for years.  The man who he hated to be around, so distanced himself in his adult years.  The man and person who he swore he would never become

I agree!

I disagree about finances being a reason it isn't recognized. My feeling is that a lot of it has to do with how therapy is practiced. If someone comes to a therapist and says, "I am not happy in my marriage and I haven't been for a long time," therapists are largely encouraged to support them in making changes to be more fulfilled and live a more authentic life. This can even include supporting them as their children make this change.

Unless you knew a MLCer prior to bomb drop, it would take a long time, I believe, for this story to begin to unravel. And this is to assume a MLCer would even be in therapy in the first place — or report events accurately. If the MLCer attends therapy with the LBS, at least in the beginning, the LBS is often so traumatized and also does not realize what is truly going on — meaning a therapist is less likely to see the LBS as rational, and may assume this (arguing/miscommunication/alternate view of events) is a longstanding dynamic.

I have noticed that any doctor I tell the story to automatically sees something is medically wrong. A therapist, however, is the first person most LBS would turn to in this situation, and I feel would very rarely refer either LBS or MLCer to a medical professional unless he/she had special knowledge of/belief in/first-hand experience with MLC.

[Not Applicable]

About the poll results, I wonder how many of those who answered "No" actually don't really know. Could it be that some MLCers have hidden the abuse from their spouses? I mean it would be harder to hide abuse by parents, but say the abuse was by a family friend or clergy, would the LBS actually know for sure?

[dogwalker]

I believe my W MLC is to do with her child hood and how her mother neigleted
Her from the age of 4 when she remarried. Her sister went to live with the father and W would spend her time at school
Or in her bedroom. W has become just like her mother with how she treats our sons with lies and no interest in them unless OM is not around. Her 2 MC session suggested she see someone to discuss her child hood issues resulted in her running back to OM and back into reply.