[Treasur]

Obviously, the concept of the OW confuses the issue a bit, but I do believe that it was all real until it wasn't.  I didn't live in a cloud thinking that he loved me - he did love me and he stopped.  I don't know if this helps, but it's logical to think that your H did have a deep love for you, and then came the light switch.

That was a sweet and timely reminder not to gaslight myself inadvertently, Shining. 
Strangely enough yesterday I was clearing up an old computer and running a programme that removes duplicated files. A lot of them were photo files.....photos of my parents, of my h, of dinners with old friends, houses we shared, places I had been or we had been. I had a few pangs of sadness, understandably, bc a lot of these people and places are lost to me now. At the same time, I counted it as a big win that I could do it without distress bc for a long time I couldn’t have. And tbh IMO PTSD did some very strange things to my ability to remember events and chronology, so it was reassuring to have less doubt about my own memory functioning now 

One thing that jumped out at me though was how many photos there were of my then h beaming at me vs one ohoto post BD when even the shape of his face looked completely different. Dark eyes, rigid posture, lifeless as you said. It was a pretty stark contrast and it surprised me to see it accidentally in amongst all these other photos bc the programme didn’t run chronologically but by file size. The photo just popped up amongst all the others. Something significant happened to him for sure....it was obvious to the eye. So, yes, much of what I experienced probably was real. Until it wasn’t.

The bit i am less at ease with is inferring too much about what happened to him or what that means for me, if that makes sense. Bc there is such a lot I don’t know and don’t understand. At a basic level, I suppose I see that he had a switch that I didn’t, that the way we do love turned out to be rather different. And, just for me and about me, a sample of one I guess, once I knew that this switch existed, I am grateful that I was not given the opportunity to reconcile - bc I would have tried until it almost killed me probably - bc I never would have felt entirely safe and at ease again with him in the way one should in a close relationship. And having experienced PTSD I would never choose to live with that feeling of fear again or wish it on anyone else.....so, for me, it is better to live without the source of that fear or to have any contact with it.

But the photos did show me that I did not imagine my experience of life with my h, or that I was loved and respected. Until I wasn’t. And tbh that was a big thing to lose for both of us. He certainly looked like a happier, healthier kind of human before the switch flicked  which tbh was strangely helpful too bc, like most of us, I spent years feeling so very much less than and unsure of just how foolish I had been, what was true and what was lies.....it still bothers me a little that I don’t know if ow was an invisible player in my family’s life when my father was dying, for instance.  Lies are insidious and corrosive things,aren’t they? I think a lot of us have been struggling with that in our public and political domains in the last few years too....short-term lies really do carry quite significant long term effects once one starts to feel that you simply can’t assume someone is telling the truth based on facts they know.

I do still remember my uncle saying calmly over lunch when some of the s$itstorm got really bonkers and ow got super nutty, ‘I’m not sure he has really thought this through, has he.....’  If I were the kind of person who needed some kind of karmic revenge/justice, I have often mused that for both ow and my xh, marrying the other was a pretty good example of sowing and reaping and being careful what you wish for in case you get exactly that  ....it just took me a while to see my own wood for my own trees bc I was so overwhelmed by my own losses. Now, it just seems like a sad and sorry thing all round and I am grateful that it was not created or chosen by me, even if being the collaterally damaged victim of others choices was awful to live through for longer than I might have wished.

So, thank you Shining for helping me to balance my lens now a little 

[MadLuv]

If I were the kind of person who needed some kind of karmic revenge/justice, I have often mused that for both ow and my xh, marrying the other was a pretty good example of sowing and reaping and being careful what you wish for in case you get exactly that

There are so many relatable things I could pull from what you said Treasur, but I will pull this sample of one. This is what pulled me out of the poor me and also seeing “their life” as a fantasy. Once I could step back and realize that what they thought they were stepping into and what they are living is not at all what they bargained for it truly made all the difference. No marriage is perfect, but there is a HUGE difference in a marriage created from love and respect than one created from lies and temporary lust. You do get to a place where that realization brings back your self worth, self esteem, self love and some peace. At least it did for me.

[Reallytrying]

Hey SS. This is my first time on here in a long time. Popping in to say hi. I’m sorry seeing him was jarring. I can imagine it would be after so long. It sounds like he’s still very much vacant - which is sad. I do hope that as you noted seeing him allows you to finally close the door on him. Even if he miraculously came home he’s not who you knew and you my beautiful friend deserve so much more.
Sending you virtual hugs.