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Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer No Contact IIII

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Interacting with Your MLCer Re: No Contact IIII
#60: November 13, 2018, 09:43:29 AM
I think there can come a point when NC or very Dim is essential for your own wellbeing and sanity. Or actually just necessary to accept what is gone and futile to hope for. I wish I'd done it much earlier and used my L more actually bc that would have also saved me from seeing some of the horror of what my xh became...easier to keep my nice memories!...but difficult with a typical MLCers approach to divorce. (And sigh, why DO they make it so f'ing hard... ::) )

I was musing on your standing comment, OHM.
I guess the only thing I can see to stand for is a tiny possibility that my xh may come through this and need to speak with me to find his own peace with what he did. No big reconnection, just a kind of small shared closure or acknowledgement. Really a very tiny possibility given his behaviour to date and the HUGE complex mess he made. I'd hope that were that to ever happen in years to come, I might find enough grace to respond appropriately for the sake of the human I loved so much for so long.
Maybe those of you with kids just have a 1% stand like that for a better future relationship with the kids? Idk...but it is hard to envisage at our stage OHM I think and far away so probably fine to let God take care of that one  :)
Sigh...just having a quick moment of disbelief and missing the rather nice chap who used to be my h  ???

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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: No Contact IIII
#61: November 13, 2018, 04:07:02 PM
NC is essential to your own well being and sanity.

Closure?

You will not get one if he's a narcissist. And even if you got something from him. Some small hint self awareness or self reflection. I'm not sure if you could believe him.

You and what you have gone through?
You have to make your own closure and be at peace with that.

Yeah One Hot Mess..it is a fantasy he's buying into. One big happy divorced family ::) maybe years and years down the road?

 But in getting divorced at this age? In my case there would not be enough time that could go by that I would ever see that happening.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.What you allow continues.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Re: No Contact IIII
#62: November 13, 2018, 05:08:29 PM
The h I knew was not a narcissist, init, not full of rage and destruction. . What he is now, I can't say, so yes I have no expectation of closure from him. I suppose many of us keep that tiny 1% hope that if the MLC process does its job, there may be some kind of peace for them to find and maybe make, if only with their kids.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: No Contact IIII
#63: November 13, 2018, 05:29:19 PM
In order for them to do that to find or make that peace with the kids would have to involve some admission of truth about themselves
Some fault or flaw or what happened. Why they thought that throwing the family over for some other person was worth it.
My story doesn't involve only that.

Some kind of confession in some sense..

Again in my case the ex won't ever do that..he won't tell them how he abused me...I know what I would tell them .
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.What you allow continues.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Re: No Contact IIII
#64: November 21, 2018, 07:14:12 PM
It's the holidays folks give yourself some peace and take a break.
They love to stir things up around the holidays
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.What you allow continues.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

N

Nas

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Re: No Contact IIII
#65: November 21, 2018, 07:21:40 PM
Mine doesn’t. Another anomaly.  This is my fourth holiday season without him, And our wedding anniversary falls in this time. Except for one email in early December the year that I moved out of state, I have never heard a word from him during the holidays. Nothing but radio silence as usual.
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“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

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Re: No Contact IIII
#66: November 21, 2018, 07:34:19 PM
Well that's good at least you get some peace Nas.
Some of lbs 's with the high energy crazier mlcers might not.
Not easy having an anniversary around the holidays.

I'm on my 5th Thanksgiving without the ex. :)

Won't miss him a bit. I won't have to listen to him critzise how the turkey came out. Along with whatever else wasn't perfect on the table.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.What you allow continues.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

M
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Re: No Contact IIII
#67: November 22, 2018, 12:58:06 AM
We don't celebrate Thanksgiving but I'm already thinking of Christmas. My H has not written to me for any of them. I like what you say In It, you won't have to listen to him complain. That's so true! I won't have to hear mine complain either, and moan about what's wrong instead of what's right, and all of us wondering if he's going to be happy that day or not! It's going to be peaceful for sure without him.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: No Contact IIII
#68: November 24, 2018, 06:47:58 AM
My X used to get so angry about Christmas. He hated Christmas... And told everyone.. I finally said why do you hate it so bad.. You purchase no gift.. You do not decorate.. Sometimes you cook.  But you hate it.. You poor thing so you have to spend time with your family.. You poor poor thing.

I have been NC since BD. But then had no choice but to contact him.. His irs issue they were trying to get me to pay.  So we talk from Dec to about April of this year.. Not sure what happened but have had nc since then.. His choice.
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M 54
H 49
M 12 years; together 17 years
D19, S29
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

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Re: No Contact IIII
#69: November 25, 2018, 06:18:13 PM
Looking4sun
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.What you allow continues.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

 

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