[Tyks]

.  After all, she's the one looking for happiness - I know what joy is for me...

I like that . They wouldn't know happiness if it smashed them in the head !

[StormChaser]

So journalling... (with a couple questions mixed in)

Back to reality for me - at least the reality of MLC. After our nice weekend last weekend, and the bit of disappointment from my own expectations, I was at the other place for most of last week. Had some time to GAL and just hang out. I didn't have any really negative cycling or get down on myself and spent some time out and about. Played hockey a few times and just had a good week overall.

On Saturday, my S11 had hockey practice, so I picked him up and took him to practice, then we went to S9's basketball game and met everyone. After, we came back to the house as my W had to pick up a few things to do some xmas baking, so I watched the boys for the afternoon. She came back and I pulled her aside to talk with her. Over the last few days, I've had to do some deep thinking about the financial status of the company I run (it isn't pretty right now) and it has gotten to the point where I had to tell my W that there was a possibility that things might turn completely south. I could lose my car (lease is paid for by my company), my income and a lot of how I've self identified over the last 10 years. She said she would support me as I was her "partner" and that whatever we needed to do, we'd do.

As I left, she mentioned that I could come for breakfast on Sunday (the next morning) before S11's practice that day. I did come early for breakfast and it was nice to sit down as a family. I took S11 to practice and on the way home lost my temper with him for something that just wasn't that big a deal... The stress I'm suffering from made me over react to something he said and I was a big jerk. We get home and I ask my W what she meant that I was her "partner" - not looking for a discussion but an explanation. She explains how we are bound financially right now, we co-parent so we are partners, and she doesn't know yet emotionally or physically how it will work out in the end.

The place we rent has had an issue with the heating and it was supposed to be resolved late last week, but it wasn't. The temperature has been a steady 15 to 17 deg celsius (low 60s for my american friends) and although I can manage it, I suggested to my W that she stay another night at the house as she would not do nearly as well. She took me up on the offer. So the evening goes almost like any night before BD (not necessarily in a good way) with the same types of routine and the same feelings on my part. Like she was just going through the motions. She puts the kids to bed - even though its my night - its almost like she feels that she has to for some reason. As soon as she is "done" she goes and ignores me, sits by herself upstairs and thats it.

So, falling asleep last night, I was confused by her trying to be so nice during the day, around the kids or in public, but as soon as the day ends, she shuts me out like I'm not even there. That's the second or third time that its happened so its pretty clear...

Here's my theory.

She is going regularly to the IC and I'm sure its helping. She seems a little more self-confident, and happier overall. The last time I interacted with her about the R, she said the right things, but those were just words so don't know if she has internalized any of it...

When I talked with my MIL, she called it "floating". My W has things good enough so that she can manage - put her facade on that things are ok - and go along with life like that. But my W hasn't dealt with any of the issues around our R or her issues around the OM. She still maintains the EA. She says that she is undecided on our emotional and physical R - she's STILL IN THE AFFAIR!!!! Of course she hasn't hit rock bottom. She's still in replay. But now, she appears to be doing ok. However, she said she can't sleep. She doesn't like the weeks she's with the kids - its "too much". And I think the only reason she is being nice to me is out of guilt. But she hasn't actually dealt with anything! She doesn't seem anywhere near remorse. And if she keeps this up, she stays in the tunnel because it's comfortable enough that she doesn't have to leave. On top of that, I'm completely messing up having a boundary about her and I not being friends or friendly as long as she has the EA.

Ugh... I haven't been in this place yet. I'm frustrated. I'm worried that she's putting up enough of a facade that someone who doesn't know what's going on will say "oh she's fine!". I know that if she continues down this path and it leads to some kind of reconciliation, that it will be false - that the issues will still be there underneath.

Instead of worrying about my expectations, I'm worried that if I'm not careful and if I keep enabling her cake eating, I'm going to kill any chance I have in the future...

Any thoughts from you all?

[Seeing The Light]

I agree with you that she is still in replay.  Until she leaves replay, you won't see remorse, it's going to take a long time for her to get there. 

I don't know if you have read any of Denjef's Fog Story experiences, but it may give you some insight as to what is going on in her head right now.  It sounds like she might be moving a little bit down the path, but she's still cooking.

"Floating" is a good way to describe where she probably is right now... but I would almost describe it as floating in water where only your nose is above the surface.  The rest of her is underneath it. 

Continue to stay the course with your detachment.  You did a very nice thing for her by inviting her to stay in the house like you did.  I would suggest to not ask any questions about the relationship at this time, even though she is showing progress down the tunnel, she isn't going to be able to give you an answer right now.  With her being in that space, any relationship talk at all is going to make her withdraw.

You are correct in your assessment, she isn't ready for any kind of reconnection at this time.  Everything happens at the time it is supposed to happen... she has to cook at her own pace at this point.  That's the unfortunately thing about this journey, many times the LBS is light years ahead of the MLC in moving forward.  It does seem like she is moving in the right direction though if she isn't monstering at you and is becoming more pleasant.  Baby steps. 

[StormChaser]

Thanks STL! 

Seeing my IC on Friday. Looking forward to working through some of my feelings then. One of the things I feel is that with the holidays and trying to protect the kids and create "family time" I'm enabling her to cake eat, but I don't see any other way to do this.

I've committed to spending time with her and the kids over the holidays, so I will work extra hard on balancing hope against no expectations. As well, I will try and focus on the positives of her behaviour that STL pointed out instead of stressing about the fact she is still in the tunnel.

[Seeing The Light]

SC, hope things go well with your IC appointment, mine has been a life saver during all of this craziness. 

I believe you had mentioned some of the 180's you have done with her since she went MLC.  With the holidays coming up and your commitment to spend more time around her for the sake of the children, you may want to revisit the 180 list again to help you during that time.  It's recently popped back up for me as a reminder of things to do even though I seem to be reconnecting with my H.  It helps keep me focused on not being too much in his face, I guess you could say. 

Anyway, here's the link that has the list and the reminders.  I've read it a couple of times again this week, so apparently I need the refresher.

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

[StormChaser]

Thanks StL - that list is always a great reminder!

Journaling...

This last week went well. Was with the kids until last night. Saw the W very little since she went on her business trip last week - she only came back on Saturday. Unfortunately, my IC accidentally double booked me on Friday so I rescheduled to tomorrow. Did have a great chat with her on Tuesday bringing her up to speed and look forward to the discussion with her. The IC gives me little nuggets that seem to validate so much of what's talked about, but as my W hasn't agreed to share her counselling with me, the IC can't share as much as she would like.

I wonder if I'm actually, truly starting to detach. It's starting to feel a bit that way. I do want my wife back and I want the chance to start over and work through all the things that need working. But right now, I see her as half the person she was (and not the good half) and she's investing almost nothing in our relationship. But she is trying to have a relationship with me on her terms. I've realized I get to give what I want, not what she wants.

On Saturday, we went with the kids to a surprise 50th birthday party of a friend of ours. Her husband had arranged it and we have spent a lot of time with them over the years. Haven't seen them barely at all since BD. Also there was another couple that we spent lots of time with. Sat with the other husbands and had lots of laughs and fun while the wife sat with the other wives and kept to small talk. She was quiet, had an ok time, but I know that I felt much better than I thought I would. Will be really interesting as we are also supposed to be spending New Years' Eve there as well! I know in the recent past, one of those wives mentioned to me how little W opens up about what is going on...

Then, my son had a hockey game last night and after it was done, W suggested we go for dinner with the kids. I said sure - hadn't figured out dinner yet so seemed like a good idea. And while we sat there and the boys played with their various iDevices, she engaged in small talk - looking for praise in that her boss said something nice - and was generally pleasant. I smiled, nodded and agreed where relevant. But didn't engage her in any discussion, didn't bring up R... Just worked the 180. Felt great after and really feel like I'm living with no regrets right now.

In fact, my W is sleeping terribly and her memory is getting worse. All the things that DenJef talked about are going on in full force. My appetite is back so I've put on most of the weight lost by the LBS diet (unfortunately!) and I'm feeling quite positive about certain things. Sleeping well.

But I miss the companionship. That's the hardest thing right now. I miss my friend. And although my W is trying to get that from me, I know that I can't go there right now.

I think by the standards of many of the MLCers that I've read about, my W is a pretty mild case. She's on script for so much and she is still in replay, but she has stopped monstering. I'm sure part of that is the IC and part of that is that we've both stopped initiating discussion of the R. If my guess of timing is right, she started about a year and a half ago, and has been in replay for about a year now...

Someone asked me if I'm ok with all the time I have to spend with the W over the holidays, and I realized that it'll be fine. I'm in a good spot and I can handle spending as much time with her as I have to. And the fact that I'm spending it with her for the kids and not for me makes it even easier. Let her head keep spinning. I'm doing just fine.

That's all for now...

[Seeing The Light]

Storm... YES YES YES!  You are absolutely starting to detach... I would actually say that you are more than starting to, you are very close to being there.  You are feeling good, you are ok in her company and you know that her spins are about her and not about you.  And I think that you have identified that point as well, when you said "I've realized I get to give what I want, not what she wants."  I'd say you are doing pretty well.

Regarding the companionship and missing your W in that way... I understand how you are feeling, I got to that point when I really started to emotionally detach and I was concerned.  I was concerned as to if I really actually loved my H anymore.  For me, what I thought was "being in love" was actually not a healthy love, I guess.  It was what I thought was healthy because of how I grew up.  I only had my mom and dad as examples, and he was an alcoholic and my mom was extreme co-dependent/narcissistic.  So all I saw from them was loving someone the wrong way.

Anyway, after I started to get better myself and detached from my H, I got concerned about my feelings (or what felt like the lack of them).  My IC suggested that I do guided meditations through www.meditationoasis.com to help me work on being present moment aware.  The podcasts are free to listen to. 

One of the ones that I listened to during this time was on "Loneliness".  I was lonely and I wasn't really sure where my feelings were regarding my H.  This blogpost from Mary Maddox (she guides you through the meditations) gave me some clarity on my feelings.  It did help me know that I really do love my H, but that my love for him and wanting that companionship had changed.  I was in a more healthy place now, to know that my needs and wants were as important as his. 

Loneliness can be a doorway to connection. Contained within the feelings of loneliness is our capacity for connection. Our podcast meditation - Guided Meditation for Loneliness - encourages you to go deep into the feelings of loneliness to connect with yourself and ultimately with others. So often we resist emotions that we feel are threatening or unpleasant. Most of us don't want to feel pain, but resisting our feelings alienates us from ourselves. This is especially true with loneliness. When we are lonely, we may feel deeply sad or have a strong sense of yearning. We might feel anxious, especially if we feel that there is something wrong with us for feeling they way we do. And yet going into the very heart of loneliness, experiencing it all the way, allows us to feel the most important connection of all -- the connection to ourselves.

Remember -- loneliness is a normal human feeling. It's a result of your natural capacity and desire for connection.

You are doing very well and I'm happy for you! 

[StormChaser]

Thanks STL, I've got to try and find some time to go through those resources. Too much GAL haha!

Had a good session with the IC on Tuesday. Spent a lot of time talking about how I feel about W and the current state. The IC reflected that my W needs to work on introspection and that is one of my W's challenges in moving forward. Overall, good visit - allowed me to validate how I'm feeling - reasonably detached and motivated by the right things right now. Another thing the IC asked about was if my W and I ever had discussions where W asked me how I felt. I realized that she almost never did ask how I feel, but always *assumed* she knew. I see now that this allowed her to build her MLC lalaland very efficiently because without asking how I feel it made it very easy to project her own frustration and alienation on me.

I haven't found the loneliness crippling yet, just a niggling feeling that I know is there. I still have such a good support group that I know I can always reach out to a couple different people. And journaling here is a great help as well.

With my new found level of detachment, I'm actually looking forward to spending the holidays as a family because I know the kids will like it. Not sure how the W feels about the time together, but I know right now its kind of fun for me because I feel empowered when we are all together. I'm not dealing with the depression, the guilt or hopefully one of these days, the remorse that she is. I'm being the best dad I can be, I'm maintaining relationships, keeping busy (eating too much ) and that's probably good enough for me right now!

Went out last night for wings and drinks with one friend of mine who is struggling with his own M. FWIW they aren't in MLC, either of them, but just good old fashioned marriage trouble. When we were leaving, he asked how long I would stick around waiting. I've recently realized that I owe it to my kids and to myself to see this through and stand as long as I can - our M wasn't perfect - no one's is - but it was good. What example can I set to my kids through this experience? How can I grow as a person and be the lighthouse for my W or take the lessons learned forward for someone else if it doesn't work out?

One way you could define love is practicing kindness with grace... so that's what I'm trying to do. If at the end of this MLC journey, our M doesn't work, I'll be stronger anyway.

Hope everyone has a great holiday.

[Seeing The Light]

Storm, you sound like you are doing really well!  I'm so happy to see how you are feeling about going into the holidays, you sound like you have the right mindset.  Enjoy yourself!

[Thunder]

You're doing good, SC.  Keep it going.   

I just want to remind you most of them think they can be our friend, but I don't believe that is possible when their in this state.

There is a difference between being friendly and actually being a friend.
A friend cares about you, asks you how you are and has your back.

MLCer's can't do that.