[KeepItTogether]

There is a difference between being friendly and actually being a friend.
A friend cares about you, asks you how you are and has your back.

MLCer's can't do that.

No they really can't do much of anything right now can they? 

SC--you are doing so great. I really like what you said about setting an example for your kids. That is generally what keeps me going on the right path as well--almost makes it easier when you have to focus on your children's well-being. Well, for me anyway. I'm hoping some of your detachment vibe rubs off on me!

[StormChaser]

Thank you all. Do feel really good. We will see how I feel after 4 days with the W

[StormChaser]

So, I have a good news post... Not sure how that works because its so rare any of us gets truly good news.

My wife decided to rekindle our physical relationship. It would seem that she decided that the ILYBINILWY situation wasn't the case any longer. On BD, and during some of her worst monstering, she made it very clear that she wasn't attracted to me, felt our sex life had been substandard for a long time, that I wasn't "the one" for her. We had one drunken encounter after bomb drop that made her even more mad at me and basically hadn't barely touched each other since September.

So, it was surprising, sudden, quite nice and made me feel like a million bucks. I know that the 180 made her come around on that.

However, there's still some question in my mind whether she's at the end of the tunnel peeking out or something else. I just don't know what I'm looking for here. Any feedback on this specifically would be appreciated...

She's made a huge effort to work with me to be a family over the holidays. We've spent from the 23rd to today together as a family, at the house or at her brother's cabin. We've kept the R talk to a minimum but she's shared that she is still quite confused. Still barely sleeps. Noticed a significant change in appetite over the time period. She was supposed to go back to our shared rental yesterday, and as far as I know, she's staying at the house with me and the kids until at least New Year's.

I was talking with a friend of mine who went through MLC with her husband (both of them at the same time) and they made it through it. She said that before they "ended the silliness" they had built such a wall that when they started again, it took a long time to take the walls down. And that some things are still triggers, years later...

So, I'm obviously ecstatic that one of my W's absolutes is not the case any longer. I'm terrified that I'm going to mess up somehow... Despite the fact I know that her journey is her journey. I'm trying to take hour by hour and day by day and enjoy the moment and continue to be the lighthouse.

More to come I'm sure...

[StormChaser]

Journaling...

Well, we've been living 'together' again since Dec 23. The longest we'd been together since BD before that was two days. For the most part, W has been sleeping in the basement.

Trying to avoid asking about the "future" and not pressuring her. I do ask little questions that are pushing forward a bit. We are renting a 1 bedroom right now that is empty, so I ask about that. There's christmas decorations there - I ask who's going to take them down. But trying to keep it light and not push. She did say today that it was "too bad" the lease didn't end in December...

She clearly wants to be with the family and isn't pushing back against that. She has also made it clear that she is "working through things" but she isn't running away from anything. She's still having lots of trouble sleeping but has been very present.

I'm trying not to be too optimistic and to just support her on her journey. I'm also working on being the lighthouse I've been throughout this and being mindful of the growth I've had. We had a bit of crossed wires the other day when she made a "joke" about how I walked by her without taking some laundry downstairs and made the statement "the more things change the more they stay the same" which of course took me back to many of the things she said while monstering. We talked it out and I think she realized the effect some of her words can have on me. No argument or harsh words. Progress I think.

Not sure where things are headed but she's home and seemingly working on being part of the family. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

[Shocked]

Hi SC! Happy New Year!!! I feel like jumping up and down saying whoa SC slow down!!! You are only 6 months into MLC. If your W is only in ML transition it may be possible but if it is Crisis you are going to get your heartbroken again.  Her being nostalgic over the holidays makes it easier on her. No dealing with her issues. Just putting her old life on like old slippers. Keep up with your 180s but also with your detachment. Please don't risk your heart again!!!! Hugs!🤗

[EmeraldDiamond]

Happy New year, Stormchaser! I'm still following along. Sounds like you've made great progress on yourself and detaching.

Ugh.. Christmas decorations. I'm not looking forward to taking them down

I would also be wary about your wife's recent interest. She may retreat again especially if she's MLC and not transition. Keep strong, keep detaching, keep going... but with two eyes open

Emmy

[StormChaser]

Thank Emmy and Shocked,

Thank you both for the concern - appreciate it sincerely! Both eyes are wide open for sure. Based on what I've read, it feels like an initial reconnection, but jury is still out on where she is. She's made it clear to me that she still has "figure out what makes her happy" and hasn't made any decisions either way.

Had a pretty long discussion about where things are at tonight, initiated by her. Touched on where our M is at and how it got there. She mentioned our lack of "passion" - easy for her to feel that way comparing us to her PA - I did point that out. Questions around our lack of connection and how little it seemed that we did together over the last little while.

Also talked about how nice it was to be parents instead of co-parents. Talked through some alternatives to both be at home instead of using the rental. Definitely some concern on both our parts of expectations we are creating for the kids.

She didn't monster, and if she was being honest, agreed with some of what I said - most of it me suggesting that the blame was shared between us for the challenges we had pre-crisis. She was also able to say that our relationship pre-MLC was "easy and natural" which I paraphrased to comfortable. I agree with that, and also think that's one of the things that led me to complacency pre-MLC... I was also able to point out how her inability to communicate her feelings has created challenges for us. Not sure how much of that she internalized, but seemed to be open to it.

She's been in replay for over a year, even though BD was mid-year. The EA started last fall. PA ended at BD and EA was ongoing into the fall. She doesn't seem to be in touch with the OM regularly anymore - just not on her phone at all the same way - so the EA may have run its course. Unless I snoop on her phone, can't tell for sure but my desire to do that went away about two months ago. At an appropriate time, I'll ask her whether she's still in touch with him, but not right now.

So, if she's not a severe crisis, it's possible that she could be starting to come out of the fog. She has talked a lot about being confused - I hear some of the things I've read in Denjef's posts. She can't sleep, too much going on when she tries.

The reality is that she hasn't had a particularly tough life growing up - not any major unresolved issues or FOO issues - and our marriage although it wasn't perfect was reasonably good for both of us.

So, that all said, still lots of miles left on this journey, but honestly, this is the first positive development since BD. I'm just going to enjoy the small victory and see where life goes.

FWIW, my new year's resolutions are to practice patience and to live each day intentionally. With all of this going on, I should add "keeping it real" to the list as well.

[Seeing The Light]

HI SC!  Happy New Year to you!

I also had these types of conversations with H as we started to reconnect, especially about "lack of connection", intimacy, etc. 

One of the things that my IC said is that for men, intimacy is not just about the physical connection/contact, it's also about the emotional connection as well.  She said that with me withdrawing from H and not sharing things that were going on with me because I "wanted to make him happy" aka spare him from feeling any bad feelings, that I was withdrawing from him emotionally.  So he wasn't feeling a connection with me because all I was showing was blank.  I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.

My point being that while physical intimacy is very important, so is emotional intimacy.  That's what she was getting from the EA, the ability to share her thoughts/feelings with OM.  That is what was happening with my H's EA.  She "got him" because she listened to him about what was going on and shared all her BS about what was going on with her to him.  That created that connection and fed into his "Knight in Shining Armor" need he had during that time. 

From what I am seeing here, you are both starting to have conversations with each other that are important and that she seems to be listening to you.  I would also say that it is very important to show how you are listening to her, to question her gently about concerns about you that she brings up so that you can get more detail.  The questioning is not about putting her on the defensive, it's more about pinpointing the detail about what she means when she says something.  This will help you understand if she is projecting something at you or if it is really something that you may want to take a look at and own. 

Also, during this time, I still did a lot more listening than talking with my H.  He was still cycling and dealing with issues and one day he would be very affectionate and the next day would be standoffish.  So even though we were back in the same room, he was still dealing with a lot of his own internal issues. 

As he was working is way through them, we would have some sort of big R discussion about once a month always initiated by him.  And this is where his hurt, guilt, pain, etc would come up and I really had to listen.  The really hard one for me was when he started to use the same BD language again... and I got angry... but after I forced myself to stop and listen, that was when he revealed his deepest guilt to me and his pain. 

Patience is your friend right now.  Things are going well in deed and you are handling yourself very well!  Having no expectations during this time is really key as well... heck I remind myself of that daily even though my H and I seem to be reconnecting... it helps me to enjoy the time with him that much more.

[gman242]

STL, my W was blank as well. Believe it or not, the numbness is the most painful thing to endure. It's dehumanizing to an extent, it's just a denial of intimacy on all levels.

SC, that's great that's she's starting to fix the little things that she did and she's not running. Focus on the little things as good things come in small packages 

[EmeraldDiamond]

Hiya Stormchaser! I haven't heard from you for awhile. I hope things are progressing in a positive way for you. And if they're not or there are hiccups, we're always here for you