STL, quick question for you - how has your husband talked about "his work" or what he still feels he has to work on. Has he had any episodes of true remorse showing either in actions or words? Lastly, how has he addressed the future or the R? Has he talked about it at all?
Hi SC!
My H doesn't talk about the "work" that he is doing on himself. I don't know if he would recognize it as such. What I am seeing is the lessons he is learning by God's hand, for lack of a better description. We are both believers in things happening for a reason, that we are being guided on our journeys but are not religious, just spiritual. So as I learned to recognize my lessons for what they were, I can also see the lessons he is being taught himself.
When my H approached me to "get back together", it was COMPLETELY out of the blue, similar to how you described. I had not expected him to approach me at all that way, although his attitude to me had softened, he was still all over the place. He did recognize that we had a lot of work to do, etc.
He would still fluctuate back and forth on his moods, but I was better able to manage myself and how he was acting because of my own mirror work. Plus I had learned enough on here to know that this was to be expected.
As far as true remorse, I haven't seen that yet and I don't know if I will get that verbally from him. And at this point, I don't expect it from him either because I found that this was something I was holding on to and "expecting" from him, which was making me feel disappointed. I'm looking more at the changes in his behavior, how he treats me, how he shows that he cares for me... to me, that's more telling.
Things that I'm noticing from him that he wasn't doing back when we first started to reconnect... he tells me who is calling, who is texting. He shares conversations with me. He tells me that he wants to hear from me during the day. He smiles when he sees me... this list could go on and on and on.
My H is still working through his issues slowly... but what I am seeing is he is working through them. I think that what has helped me with this is that I'm continuing to work on ME and my triggers and staying present moment focused. I've found that when I start focusing on the future, of what COULD happen, that I get easily frustrated when it doesn't happen the way that I expect. My H has to do his work, but it's at his own time and pace. So I continue to work on recognizing the positive changes that he has made in himself and showing gratitude for what he does.
At first, when he came back, ANY mention of the future would get him all "oh I don't know about that, we are still working through things, i can't look that far ahead" etc. And I would get frustrated and wrapped up in that "why can't you commit!!" feeling. And anytime someone mentioned something to him about the future, I would want to tell them to shut the heck up because I could see him fidgeting. So I finally just said Firetruck It, I'm going to let go of this. I'm the one that's standing, dang it... so that means he's got to work on his own stuff and get through it. And I left him alone about it... because I found that if I did bring up those sorts of things about the future, that it put PRESSURE on him. So while he may be getting that from other people and himself, he isn't getting it from me.
We are finally at a point where H is more active in his decisions about the future. He's talking more long term. His comments are around "I want us to spend more time doing this thing this year" and us "having more fun this Year". Notice the "This Year" statements. At the end of last year, I was lucky if I got a "next month" commitment.
All of this has moved slowly forward over the last 6 months. And yet, MOW2 is back in our lives again as of this week... but it's tied to a job opportunity at this point and his interactions with her are more open with me. He's talking to me more about her and he's also setting boundaries with her and enforcing them. So I'm seeing progress on that side.
My point being here that for me, I found that when I had expectations about what SHOULD happen, that this is what got me frustrated the most. When I let got of it, stayed present moment aware and recognized for myself the positive steps he is making, then I was able to let go of the frustration and be content with the progress he's making.
It takes a LOT of time... and they have to do their own work and they don't work as fast as we do, unfortunately. But I think that the mirror work that we do on ourselves lets us develop empathy for them, and compassion, and some understanding of what they are going through. Think of it this way... we are making the choice to do our mirror work, so we feel in control of what we are going through even though it can be painful for us. For them, they are really being forced to work through it... and while they have a choice, they fight it kicking and screaming, hence the MLC.
Ok, long answer to a short question.
Starting to find solid ground...
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