[StormChaser]

Just a quick question.

Is it possible from someone to go from MLC to MLT?

Just based on some of the talk and behaviour of my W...

[Seeing The Light]

SC, I have no idea.  I was told that my H may be having a really bad MLT instead of an MLC because he seems to be moving so quickly through the tunnel.

My feeling is that as I started to put together the timeline, I realized that my H had probably been in crises for about 5 to 6 years based on some things he shared with me as we started reconnecting.  Since I was stuck in my own head, I wasn't aware of it... but looking back, I can SOOOO see the signs of it.  What I would term monstering behavior, the fact that OW1 was around for that long, dead eyes to me, etc.  A lot of that stuff was happening.

I do feel that my work for myself paved the way for him to move through the process and find that soft landing.  But we still had a LOT of things to work through after we started reconnecting... and at one point, it even looked like he was going to BD again.. using a lot of the same language, etc.  But he didn't, it was just part of the process he had to move through.  That's where I really learned how well I can listen, lol.  Validation is reallllly important as they start reconnecting because this is where the hurt about the relationship may come out more, at least that's what I saw from him. 

[StormChaser]

Wow. How is it possible that it has been almost two weeks since my last post?!?

So, things are overall pretty good. It's just amazing how being outside the MLC bubble allows you to look at your spouse and see things that you didn't before BD, and how you get a chance to reprogram how you react to things and just be a better person overall...

My W is still at home. Things have kind of moved on to a new limbo.

Her actions all indicate movement to reconciliation. I still try and avoid any R talk except for little truth darts here and there - and for the most part have passed that test.

Some interesting things that have happened over the last little while in no specific order:

The rental suite that we have had since one month after bomb drop has now sat empty for over a month. No mention of either of us going there... Actually grabbed some stuff to bring back home when I was there to make sure everything was ok. Be nice to have it off the family financial books!

I brought up the fact that I would feel more comfortable if she wore a ring on her wedding finger, not necessarily the one I gave her, just a ring. As she travels a lot, it would make me feel more comfortable. It seems like a big thing, but its something we have talked a lot about over the years. She always mentioned that she felt more secure traveling with it on. I don't think I'm super worried about another PA, but I do worry about her safety when she travels. So she said she would think about it.

She has taken a much more active role in our family future-facing financial planning over the last month. She has always been responsible for it in our marriage, but over the separation, it was more about just keeping bills paid rather than planning. As well, for the last 18 months or so, she has been spending a ton, as many MLCers do, and this is the first indication that she's 'fixing' some of the things she messed up on.

We went out last Saturday with a very large group. I arrived late, well after she did, according to plan, and was subsequently completely ignored by her. So I went and sat with the husbands and had a great time. After a couple hours, when I noticed that she was looking a little tired and probably a little drunk, I went over and asked her if she was ok - "just tired, let's go". So, despite just having ordered a plate of wings and a cider, powered through it all in quick order to get out quickly. Home and she's asleep immediately. I was pretty ticked off, so didn't fall asleep quickly at all. Stewed for awhile. Then, in the morning, had to get up super early for the dog. All of the kids were up, so stayed up. Made breakfast for everyone. Cleaned up after breakfast. Wife went back upstairs to lay down. Decided to read the riot act to W. Calmly and evenly told her what a complete cow she had been the night before. Mentioned that she would have been absolutely livid if I had treated her that way. Also said that we had issues in our marriage before. If she doesn't deal with her communication issues with me then she will continue to firetruck up relationships - ours or future other ones. Left it at that as I had to go to a coaching clinic at lunch time, then run around getting oldest S to his sports. Home at 8pm. Basically, still completely ignored by W. When I woke up this morning, I thought about it a lot because I was still pretty pissed. After a few minutes of real reflection, I realized that that she was cycling hard and that it was nothing more than that. I needed to get back to taking the high road and showing love in my actions. With no expectations, just with the intent to serve (which I've been doing really well). I know that she will bounce back but it was the first time we had gone out with a group that she acted that way so it kind of took me by surprise. Usually she is going out of her way to put on appearances that things are fine. This was the first real time I've seen her duck back in to the tunnel too. But when you know it can be understood and taken for what it is.

If I had given in to my emotions this morning I probably would have said something that I would regret, but I'll share it here so I get it out of my system. For someone who is self-admittedly suffering from issues around self esteem there is some fascinating MLC logic at play here. Instead of coming back emotionally to a place where there is a man who thinks the world of her, despite everything, she seems to still pine after the man who rejected her. Oh well, she is back in the house, so that is the small win.

We are about a year from the anniversary of the start of her PA. I'm internally stressed and I'm sure that may be where some of her current cycling is coming from.

We have talked at a very high level about taking a trip together, just the two of us. This is significant as it is one of the most important pieces of glue in our relationship. The fact that it is even being discussed is pretty interesting.

One of our boys has just been diagnosed with ADHD. We decided to put him on medication. Very surprising that we would be on the same page about doing it. Seems to be making a big difference for him. Still a little conflicted about it, but we'll go forward with it for now.

I'm still waiting for what I feel would be the next big milestone - MC. It feels close, and I know our counsellor wants it to happen, so we'll see. I'm not sure if that's an expectation or not so I'm not getting wrapped up in it - it just seems like the next logical step.

So until next time, I'll continue to try and be the lighthouse.

[StormChaser]

Oh and I dare you all to read through this news article and not just shake your head at what is so obviously MLC!

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/how-edmonton-lawyer-shawn-beaver-one-of-albertas-top-legal-minds-lost-everything/article33992245/

[StormChaser]

Quick journaling moment...

First time for my W to be firmly back in the tunnel. She left first thing yesterday for a one day work trip.

She had a work trip. Left the house for the airport early in the morning, going for an overnight on Valentine's Day. Planned on leaving without even saying bye. Her leaving woke me up. Turns out she forgot her phone, so I came down to give it to her after she came back in.

"Oh sorry, didn't think to say bye." On. Valentine's. Oh. My.

She texted me a couple times yesterday about the kids, but not a single personal thing. And she likes to text a lot... She flew back this morning. Landed a couple hours ago. Not a word. Oh and I did text her last night a simple "how's your work event going?". Crickets...

Would give money to be a fly on the wall at her IC appt later this afternoon.

Oh yeah, and we're going up to the mountains as a family for two nights, leaving tonight... Can't wait to see how that goes!

The flip side is that I know what this is. I know how I feel, so I'm not cycling on my own.

The question I think have is do you just keep doing all the things you've been doing since she reconnected or do you do something different?

[gman242]

Just keep on keeping on.. I think that's about it. The one thing I will say is I just learned to wait out my cycling and I noticed you mentioned that you did it too in several places. That's the key.. you'll be back at the helm soon, so wait it out.

My wife is / was weird when we've been social and I agree, it is all a self esteem thing. She'd alternate between amazing, seductive super wife and she'd play coy with everyone and brag about us in some way or another.. Sitting sideways in the chair, drawing her legs up and hanging on my arm. She'd say things like "oh we always.. " "at our house we're.." "oh that reminds me of the time we.." or she'd do the complete opposite.. She'd lean in real far over the table and tune me out and focus on one person, usually a male and it's like they were on a date. ugh..

She's not doing it any more now that we're further along in re-connection. Not home yet though, but I got my first ILU in months! I was really surprised too, to find that she sits in the car now, when she's waiting to pick up S from scouts.. The first couple times, she went in and complained there was nobody for her to talk to. Now she deems them all weird and texts me from the car instead lol. I think that's what's in their heads.. everyone is a potential source of a pick me up. And then gradually, and hopefully, they just want you and they give up the socializing in that regard.

Anyway, glad to read your story and all the amateur advice I have is to wait it out, that's all you can do.

[KeepItTogether]

I think you are doing great Storm. And yes, keep on doing what you are doing. I think many LBSers try to get their "feelings" on the table at this point. But I am sure you know that she is still not there emotionally. It is all about her for now. And you are the good listener.

And hey, there may be the occasional truth dart/arrow/spear. But we are all human and frankly I think those are necessary every so often.

Keep up the great work.

[Seeing The Light]

Hi Storm,

The advice from gman and KIT is right on target.  I also had those same experiences... they get scared, step in the tunnel lip for a second and then step back out again.  I was thinking the other day about how weird holidays are right now during reconnection... it's like, I have no idea what to expect.  Should I get a gift or no?  How is he going to act?  It's just strange. 

Just keep moving forward on your own.  You are doing very well.

[StormChaser]

Hey you guys,

Thanks for the pep talk. Getting through this.

It's tough to manage this part because I've been dealing with unexpected little flashes of anger and frustration. I know that she's stepped back in to the tunnel a bit, I also know that she's taking steps forward...

So we did go away for the last couple days but we are home now. On the two hour drive up on Wednesday night she said barely a thing to me the whole drive. Could feel my anger rising and the "why is she being such a freaking cow!" feeling in me.

I finally had the time yesterday to go over some of RCRs sections on Liminality.

I suspect my W is "compartmentalized" and is processing. Its like shark eyes but a little different. She's still trying to be here and talking about things, but only if I ask, and if I leave her to her herself, she wanders off into the fog almost immediately.

So, I get what's going on, but it doesn't make it easier necessarily.

When I was in 180 it was easy. When she was reconnecting, it was easy. This on the other hand is damn hard! Its also a little harder to GAL in the current scenario. When you have one week on and one week off the family, that gift of time is huge. Back in the house, its back to just trying to get through the week. So so busy. And my W is still traveling a ton for work.

The flip side is that she is now wearing a ring on her left ring finger again. That's new since the start of the week. I did ask her to put one on and she did. It's not the ring I gave her, but at least she's got one on there now. The interesting part of the ring stuff that only came to me today was that she has been wearing a ring on her right hand, like she's got a boyfriend. I *just* realized that she was most likely wearing that ring for the OM - she started wearing a ring there during the summer while she carried her torch for him. But when she put the ring on her left hand this week, she took it off her right hand. I know this seems kinda "out there", but I also know how much the symbolism of rings means to my W. And I think her depression right now probably goes right back to grieving the OM.

See, my wife doesn't say a thing to me, so I have to make so many assumptions. That will be one of the boundaries or key issues to work through when we get to MC.

So, my plan of attack is to continue to take the high road. To continue to be the lighthouse. Show her that putting her faith back in me isn't a bad thing. Let her work through her grief and whatever else she's processing. Hope that this leads to MC, and realize that until she says that she wants to work at getting our marriage back, nothing is for sure. Hope with no expectations. Be the person, father and husband that I know I am.

I think its probably more a coincidence that she jumped back in to the tunnel before V-day, but it may have been a trigger. I did get her a gift as we were getting along so well until mid-week last week when she started to pull back.

 

[Seeing The Light]

SC, I think that is a really good plan. I found that as we started to reconnect that I spent a lot of time just stepping back and being, if that makes sense.  I had to let h show me what he's willing to give to me and just not push on things.  It sounds like that is your path as well.  Just keep your slow, steady work.

Oh and btw, don't be afraid about bringing out 180's, I still use them when I feel like I'm getting too close and are being pulled in, if that makes sense. It helps to give them space to process.