[StormChaser]

I find that when I go hind brain with H (reaction mode), that he does too, and then we are both spinning and it quickly escalates to anger and arguing.  Yet when we both remain calm, or when one of us remains calm while the other loses it, things are better.  It's the frigging expectations that cause it to get bad though and shut down communication for us.

Hi STL,

Thanks for dropping by. As always, your thoughts are very on point. As she cycles and goes back into mini-replays, she falls quickly into blame and shame, which does to both of us exactly what you described above...

I've pulled a mini-180 right now. She's very much in a place that doesn't have me as part of it right now. I did try and have the discussion about friendship and what it means. She's not open to hearing any of it right now.

I'm struggling mightily this time around because I'm just exhausted. To have her come back to the exact same discussions that we were having while she was still in the middle of the relationship with the OM. To be told that she won't trust me until I do so many things that I can't do while she refuses to recommit to our marriage, it just feels a bit hopeless sometimes.

So often, my W does a masterful job of "acting as if" and it has truly been one of her major issues, as it hid so much of her unhappiness and fostered lots of resentment. She keeps going back there and pulling up things that I did wrong - much of it script... And when I call her bluff, and point out that she's acting this way, but also insisting that we aren't "back together", it falls back into old communication habits that just can't seem to be broken. When I'm strong, and safe, and feeling good, I can be the calm one and guide it back, but right now, just not able...

Anyway, I'm hoping its just the usual cycling, that eventually she'll come back and start hashing this out, but I'm just real tired...

[Seeing The Light]

Hmmm..  I'm starting to wonder if instead of a mini 180 that maybe you need to pull out the whole list with her and apply them all.  Something has stopped her progress and perhaps the "Look at me living my life and you can spin all you want, it won't affect me" space that 180s give us may kick her forward again. It also sounds like something you need, too.  I guess my questions for you are, what are you doing for you right now?  How are you taking care of yourself?  Are you still GALing?  Are you continuing to move forward on your own path, or have you gotten stuck in her rut?  What are you doing to make yourself happy?

I've found that when I have felt resentful at H that sometimes it's because I'm not taking care of me. I fall back into the trap of "let me focus on him not me". I'm reminding myself to draw, to work out, to ask if he needs my help instead of just assuming it.  This gives me my sense of peace and let's me feel comfortable taking care of myself.

I'm not saying that is what is happening with you... But there is a component of it which is, how are you continuing to take care of you during this time?   What you do now to take care of yourself should continue on even if you are working on reconnecting, if that makes sense. 

[StormChaser]

Hi STL,

I'm actually a bit ahead of you on this.

I've been thinking a lot about GAL and living as if they aren't coming back over the last week. I actually started sleeping in the basement a week ago, and have also stopped trying to "serve" her and show her that I've changed. I'm moving back towards being changed, but not for her - for me.

In terms of GAL, most of my outside interests revolve around sports. Over April, I was between seasons and didn't have much going on. But since she moved back in to the house, I've stayed playing hockey which is my main sport. Been thinking about other ways that I can try and have time, the way it was when we were separated, but haven't figured that out yet.

My W will be gone from Mon to Thur both the next two weeks. I'm looking forward to the space and curious to see how she deals with it. I know she's cycling. I know that she's suffering right now - depression signs are everywhere - but I'm also not going to bite. I've made it clear to her that if she wants to be home, then she has to want to be here with me.

I'm perfectly aware that she might not have baked enough for that to be something she's capable of, and I'm ok with that.

So in the meantime, I'm taking the opportunity to have a clearer mind, be more mindful of my interactions with the kids and to just enjoy being me. Like a taking a step back (towards separation) and forward (to happy me) at the same time.

The challenge for me has been that she kept pulling me in, but only enough to set expectations on my part, even though she definitely isn't fully done. It's likely just a trip back into the tunnel. Not sure how long or how deep - but that's not within my control - so I need to be centred and good with me no matter what she does.

My key issues to work on after BD were to be a better partner, take more responsibility for things around the house. The other things I feel I have to work on are centred around our relationship and I feel like I've done most of the mirror work that I can in that regard. Much work has to be done on "us" - and its hard to do that work by yourself. So, I wait. And if she's ready to start that work with me at some point in the future, then we can move forward together. And if she's not, then eventually, I'll probably have to move on.

Just as an example, she talks to me constantly about "family" things in the future but refuses to recommit to me. I've decided that I'm going to not re-engage until she gets her head around that... It's actually quite liberating. Feeling pretty comfortable over the last week to be honest. Where I was tired last week, not I'm feeling not too bad.

Thanks for checking in...

[Seeing The Light]

Very good! You sound like you are back to focusing on you again and being happy with yourself.  For me, that's what keeps the expectations away and also helps me not get sucked into my H's emotions.  Keep taking care of you. 🙂

[StormChaser]

Journaling...

Wow, I sure sounded like a grounded, "with it" kinda guy on May 12 ;-).

After I wrote that last post, she actually apologized, asked me to come back to our room. Told me she would commit to trying to work on us. She also mentioned that in IC she had talked with our counsellor about joint sessions to define what that meant to each of us. The she went away for work.

The LBS journey is so freakin' hard. Yes, my W was away most of the last two weeks. When she was home between trips, she ended up being sick with a fever over 100. I was exhausted for most of it.

She came back last Thursday. And frankly, was a complete b1t¢h for the last few days. In a classic case of MLCness, she monstered on me for not taking the garbage out correctly. Because I didn't do it the way she wanted, *I* was controlling... and made her feel like she didn't do it correctly. Sigh.

In an interesting flip flop, W has gone from refusing to talk about the future, to freely talking about trip planning, things we have to do around the house, among others, but is treating me like garbage. The reverse of what she was doing before.

So, after all this, I'm discouraged, exhausted, struggling to get back to detached and happy. I've booked an appointment with the IC for me on Wednesday. I need help getting grounded.

For those of you who have the live at home, still in the tunnel but bouncing out every once in a while, MLTer, feel free to chime in...

SC

[Thunder]

I'm glad you're seeing an IC.  That should help.  It's very hard to live with a MICer.   

Maybe back to the basement for some peace?

[Acorn]

Hi SC, I have a live in MLCer.  We get the front row seat for the MLC show we never purchased tickets for.  I get ya about the garbage saga.  My H picked on anything and everything to get angry at me.  I used to resolve in tears and try really hard to correct the said 'mistakes'.   That's until i realized he was projecting his anger.  I just happen to be the convenient off loading target.
I put up my horror show ticket on Stubhub and stopped watching him and taking his words seriously.  Well, most of the time, anyway. 
I stopped commenting on his comments all together.  Unless it's about the weather.
Guess what?!  He has all but stopped giving me sh#$% about anything.   Non-response beats non-provocation.  When you get angry at someone and get no reaction, where's fun in that? 
There was a way around this for H.  He started bit#$%^& about our son.  I used to defend him but no more.  So, that's stopped as well. 
I'm telly ya, this pill of non-reaction is really potent.  In my case, anyway.  After practicing non-reaction his comments actually stopped bothering me.  Classic fake till make it.

Look, I'm not saying this IS the way to go for you but it worked for me.  As reading lots of posts here helped me to adopt some strategies that worked for m, I thought I would down my experience here.

I hope some veterans chime in and offer more 'professional' take on this.

So good that you are GALing.  A LBS life saver, for sure!

[Acorn]

Correction:  Non-response begets non-provocation. 

[gman242]

It's tough, but you have to tell yourself this isn't real, for the time being. None of it is.. and you do have to keep your expectations in check as STL was saying.. Since I've detached, kept her at arms length ect, I've seen her cycle, trying to get a reaction out of me. That's all it is, it's a game, one you don't need to play and you need to fill your time with engaging and healthy activities to get your mind off of it. Honestly, once you have your own life, it's hard to want to go back to the games, uncertainty and instability.

I know that's easier said than done with a live in MLCer. My heart honestly goes out to you guys.

[Undecided]

Hey SC I think it was you who gave me great advice about accepting things the way they are and anytime thoughts would go against that you would actively do a chant of acceptance.  I applied it and it has now transitioned into anytime I start thinking to much about my MLC'er I make a active effort to switch my thoughts back to myself.  It has really started to make a difference.  It's so hard to detach and not get expectations when you live with them.  Tough stuff for sure.