[StormChaser]

Hey all,

Thanks for chiming in. Much appreciated. Yes Undecided, my IC gave me that great tip. Unfortunately she had a family emergency so I wasn't able to see her today. It's actually the one year anniversary of BD. All things considered, feeling pretty good.

Yes GMan, it's important to remember that 50% of what they do and none of what they say is real. But the hard part is that there are starting to be some overlap between words and actions. But there is still the cycles. Over and over. When I'm feeling good, it's easy to deal with, but that just isn't always the case.

I'm also pretty convinced that my wife is MLT not full on MLC. Many similarities but she's emerging way earlier than most on the board.

I'll keep digging deep and work on detaching. It's doubly hard because she's home and she really seems to want things to be normal. Despite the lobstering and mood swings it just seems so strangely normal... anyway I'm anxiously waiting for my IC to get back. Apparent there is the prospect of joint sessions in the future.

[Shocked]

Ah the anniversary day!!!!  That's a big deal!!!! It's a day of a lot of emotions and memories. I hope your doing ok!!!! I hope too you hunch of MLT is correct what a blessing that would be! Sending a hug!

[StormChaser]

Thanks Shocked. Turned out to be a bit of a non-event.

My IC is back and I'm looking forward to the first real joint counselling. We have been working hard on just getting through the last few weeks. It's been extremely busy with the kids. Also did some planning on our summer. Kids camps, family trips etc.

And we may have a trip for just us at the end of the month. Would be a quick trip to China, see the Great Wall, Beijing, long flights but maybe some time to work on us... 

Those trips were always some of our best memories.

She seems to know what she's done after the monster anyway. She's still challenged in putting it all into words though...

That's all for now.

[StormChaser]

So it’s been way too long since I’ve posted. My apologies to anyone who was following along.

So, I believe that we’re into rebuilding. I also believe that my W may have been more of an MLT than full blown MLC, just based on length of replay.

That said, pre-bomb drop - during her affair, and then the six months we were separated, she was just as much in lala land as any other MLCer. It’s been just over 10 months since she came back home and about a month since she first voiced a desire to recommit and rebuild.

Counselling continues, mostly for her, but with joint sessions as well. We both know what we need to work on. Although she’s still taking small steps back towards “us”, and she still hasn’t shown clear remorse, or at least hasn’t verbalized it to me, there has been clear, certain progress towards rebuilding.

We are both working very hard on communicating better and being clear in expectations. So for, it feels like the tendency for her to subjugate her feelings and “accept” things she doesn’t like is less common. I’m working so hard on listening to care instead of fix. Also trying really hard to speak her languages, knowing how much of a difference that makes.

Overall, I see her as having come out of the tunnel, definitely changed in some ways, but also coming back to many of her positive qualities that I missed during replay and monstering.

Personally, I’ve avoided most of my cycling over the last few months by just accepting her anger that she has directed at me, showing grace, and realizing that so much of it is projection. We’ve also talked more about it after she’s calmed down and she’s getting better at understanding herself.

She’s also slowly understanding her FOO issues and that other’s expectations need not be her own. And that she can voice her expectations of me, in adult discussions, and that it will help much more than swallowing disappointment when I don’t meet expectations, that I didnt’ even know about.

I’m one hundred percent confident that if I hadn’t found this forum, that I wouldn’t have had the patience and understanding to stand successfully and to understand the painful journey that my W was going through...

Our journey continues and there are still many bumps in the road forward, but it is so much more manageable when she has said she wants to walk that path with me.

Onward.

[OldPilot]

So, I believe that we’re into rebuilding. I also believe that my W may have been more of an MLT than full blown MLC, just based on length of replay.

That said, pre-bomb drop - during her affair, and then the six months we were separated, she was just as much in lala land as any other MLCer. It’s been just over 10 months since she came back home and about a month since she first voiced a desire to recommit and rebuild.

Counselling continues, mostly for her, but with joint sessions as well. We both know what we need to work on. Although she’s still taking small steps back towards “us”, and she still hasn’t shown clear remorse, or at least hasn’t verbalized it to me, there has been clear, certain progress towards rebuilding.

We are both working very hard on communicating better and being clear in expectations. So for, it feels like the tendency for her to subjugate her feelings and “accept” things she doesn’t like is less common. I’m working so hard on listening to care instead of fix. Also trying really hard to speak her languages, knowing how much of a difference that makes.

Overall, I see her as having come out of the tunnel, definitely changed in some ways, but also coming back to many of her positive qualities that I missed during replay and monstering.

Personally, I’ve avoided most of my cycling over the last few months by just accepting her anger that she has directed at me, showing grace, and realizing that so much of it is projection. We’ve also talked more about it after she’s calmed down and she’s getting better at understanding herself.

She’s also slowly understanding her FOO issues and that other’s expectations need not be her own. And that she can voice her expectations of me, in adult discussions, and that it will help much more than swallowing disappointment when I don’t meet expectations, that I didnt’ even know about.

I’m one hundred percent confident that if I hadn’t found this forum, that I wouldn’t have had the patience and understanding to stand successfully and to understand the painful journey that my W was going through...

Our journey continues and there are still many bumps in the road forward, but it is so much more manageable when she has said she wants to walk that path with me.

Onward.

My only comment right now is TRUST but VERIFY

Continue to learn the lessons from the beginning

She either wants to be all in or not.

This is when it really gets hard

[Thunder]

Hi StormChaser,

It's good to hear from you.

Things sound like things have improved a lot over the past few months.
It's very good to hear.

Keep progressing and keep us updated.   

[Mitzpah]

Hi Stormchaser,

It is good to read that you are both doing good.

Do you think counselling has helped? Are the joint sessions helpful at this point? I am just curious and I am a little sceptical of counselling anyway, so I just wondered how instrumental it has been...

[No expectations]

Good update, SC.  I hope she keeps moving forward.  Please keep us updated! 
 

[gman242]

Yes..... I remember you! Glad to see you back and that things are going well!

[StormChaser]

Thanks everyone,

Mitzpah, to answer your question: We share a counsellor. It was the one I found immediately after BD and my W agreed to start going to see her not long after. Most of our counselling has been IC but with the eventual hope of joint.

We've only had a handful of joint sessions because my W wasn't really ready. She hadn't at any point until 3 weeks ago actually been able to say she wanted to stay in our marriage. Our next joint session is next week.

FWIW, my opinion is that counselling is definitely worth it if you have the right person. And more importantly if you are both ready for it. We initially started joint where my W was totally not ready - the first session we had last year actually consisted of trying to discuss the massive argument we had on the way to the appointment - W was still hostile and resentful - however, I'm interested to see where it goes now that she is open and we are ready to work.

The counselling I went through after bomb drop was crucial to me being able to get through a lot of of the stages. Particularly good with the anger cycles.

My W had been going through some anger as she came out of the tunnel over the last few months. She was dealing with that in her sessions...

I'll be able to share more about it as we go through the process...