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Author Topic: Discussion Guilt vs Remorse #2

j
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Discussion Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
#70: March 11, 2014, 01:14:11 PM
My H now is acting more kind and caring towards me, it's been 3-4 weeks like this now...
example
- i was not well, and one night he walked down to the garage to buy me some medicines
- he offered me drinks, made me sandwiches , invited me to watch TV programs with him (i sat in different room doing my own thing)
-he bought me b'day card and said "Love....his name"
- smiles at me every time i walk pass him or into the same room (living room, kitchen,etc)
-offer to help out more
- get off TV to help me with little things right away
- when i was not well, he offered to help finishing all the work in the kitchen (clean up,etc) and told me to have early night
etc...

what is this ?
I'm still keeping my distance as when i was too friendly, he backed off...
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H 35
Me 34
Son 5
Together 11 years
married 7
MLC symptoms 2-3 years ago but didn't know what it was at the time
First BD, but i didn't recognized ; March 2013
OW confirmed, through his emails ; 1st Aug. 2013
Moved in with OW and took our son with him ; 5th or 6th August
H and OW split up and he left her house ; 12th Oct. 2013
Now H living alone near where he works
"Everything happened at the same time and I feel like my head is going to explode. Since my dad died i feel like life is too short.I don't know what I want in life anymore. What makes me happy. I can't give you answer for anything right now. I just want to be happy. I don't know if i still love you. But i want you to be honest with yourself of what you want "....and so on

U
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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
#71: April 28, 2014, 03:13:12 AM
My H cycles between real remorse & guilt - he seemed to be doing a lot of "facing up to things" and facing his demons, he begun putting himself in my position and genuinely seemed very remorseful and like he was moving forwards but he's run for cover again and gone back into guilt mode.
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« Last Edit: April 28, 2014, 03:14:49 AM by Upwards »
Me: 29, H:29
M: 6 years
T: 11 years
Kids: D6 & S3
MLC Begun: Mid 2010?
Bomb Drop #1: Sept 2012
Separated: 16/08/13 (my choice, H went into rehab)
Bomb Drop #2: 16/01/14

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
#72: April 28, 2014, 03:18:21 AM

Hi Upwards

Mine did the exact same thing , but like yours got scared and ran back . I think they really do try and avoid rock bottom and the pain .

Callan
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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
#73: April 30, 2014, 05:37:33 AM

Mine did the exact same thing , but like yours got scared and ran back . I think they really do try and avoid rock bottom and the pain .

I haven't seen any remorse (but lots of guilt).

Regardless, I agree that they try to avoid their bottom. Or they bounce. I can understand it having hit my own bottom through this process. I went through the depression, for awhile I drank too much, and then I realized what I was doing to myself and straightened up and am still working on myself. The difference between us is that we are not in the same kind of fog as them: we are more self-aware and are brave enough to address whatever our problems happen to be.
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Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
#74: May 06, 2014, 12:09:30 PM
1. Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.

Yep...When she realizes she has been causing pain or being "mean", she reaches out to make up / T & G; although could be guilt too. Hard to say! She will try to "comfort" me though!

4. Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you".
Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did".

I got both of these. Actual phrase was "Sorry I keep hurting you". However, asked that I not hold her EA(s) over her head and make her pay forever!

5. Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable.
Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability.

Again, I sense both of these in her! She beats herself up about things she has done and how she has acted but also worries about self-image and how we look as a couple!

8. Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self.
Guilt leads to self hatred.

Definitely self-hatred right now; or at least sense she doesn't like the person in the mirror!


Quote from: Searching4Answers
This seems to be a reoccuring theme with H; at BD he said that he was going to brutally selfish, not having consideration for anyone but himself. He warned at the time that this would be difficult for me and maybe I should leave. Obviously, I didn't leave and because I didn't leave he has taken this as 'it is my choice to go through the pain'. H has brought this up numerous times when I express my pain to him saying that 'i warned you'. Do you think that his 'warning me' was a way to side step responsibility for what he is doing?

Ok, I got something similar to this. Early on, she did the usual script and "it's my time now" etc. When I exposed / busted EA#2, she said she was hoping I would get fed up and hate her enough to leave. She didn't want to do the dirty work. Said I should "hurry up and leave before she did something that would really hurt me".  :o I didn't give it much thought at the time but now...It's like she knows she is behaving badly and although doesn't want to she can't stop it! Goes in line with something Albatross posted a while back; they must follow their emotions.


OBO
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M: 5/30/1992
BD: 7/24/2013
Alienator: 2; in hindsight; left for me to discover as an exit strategy.
D: 12/16/2014

End State: I'm glad it is over, for several reasons....too many to list here. I am so much better off and, aside from the great kids we have, regret ever marrying her.

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
#75: May 09, 2014, 11:04:29 PM
Ok, I got something similar to this. Early on, she did the usual script and "it's my time now" etc. When I exposed / busted EA#2, she said she was hoping I would get fed up and hate her enough to leave. She didn't want to do the dirty work. Said I should "hurry up and leave before she did something that would really hurt me".  :o I didn't give it much thought at the time but now...It's like she knows she is behaving badly and although doesn't want to she can't stop it! Goes in line with something Albatross posted a while back; they must follow their emotions.


OBO

OBO, while readying my H secret messages on FB to the OW...he wrote "I am trying to make 'wife' so mad she will leave me.
The date of this message coincided with the monstering he was doing at the time...this was months before BD. 

After BD, when we could still talk...I asked him were you acting so hateful towards me hoping I would leave?  He looked me right in the face and said 'no'.    :o

SG
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« Last Edit: May 09, 2014, 11:06:06 PM by StandingGermany »
Even if you are the minority of one, the truth is the truth.   Mahatma Ghandi

Together-17 years
M- 15 Yrs
BD- June 24, 2013
Affair began May 2012
moved in with OW August 2013
Aug 2014, H diagosed with terminal cancer
H filed for divorce Sept 2014
H Died 3 March, 2015

U
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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
#76: May 12, 2014, 10:19:52 AM
My H told me that he was mean to me because he wanted me to walk away from him because he felt so much guilt & couldn't handle it however he said that he didn't really want me to walk away he just didn't know how else to handle the extreme guilt that he felt.

Monster is a projection of their own feelings, absolutely not personal!
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Me: 29, H:29
M: 6 years
T: 11 years
Kids: D6 & S3
MLC Begun: Mid 2010?
Bomb Drop #1: Sept 2012
Separated: 16/08/13 (my choice, H went into rehab)
Bomb Drop #2: 16/01/14

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
#77: May 12, 2014, 01:35:35 PM
I asked mine if he was doing all these hateful things because he wanted me to be the one to file for divorce. He had to think about it before he told me no.

Liar.
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Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

r
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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
#78: May 13, 2014, 05:23:28 PM
What is hiding your face in a pillow? Guilt or remorse? :o

Oh wait that could be thinking of all the good times he's had too and needs to hide his face.
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Me 53
H (whatever he is) 55
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet
Home 2019,rebuilding

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
#79: May 14, 2014, 07:07:16 AM
My H cycles between real remorse & guilt - he seemed to be doing a lot of "facing up to things" and facing his demons, he begun putting himself in my position and genuinely seemed very remorseful and like he was moving forwards but he's run for cover again and gone back into guilt mode.

The lack of empathy drives me crazy - I guess they have to shut that down in order move forward.
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We all do damage. Character is determined by how we repair it.


BD - December 2012
OW1 confirmed - December 2012 on-and-off for 34 months and counting (still refers to her as just a 'friend')
Wants to live like roommates - November 2013
I moved out - April 2015
H is still checking the anchor

 

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