[Dragonfly33]

Probably you are right Zartheit. My x said he wanted to have big goals. It keeps him busy trying to fulfill all those goals, in such a way he can now feel something. At BD I remember he told me he doesn't feel anything. He felt empty and trapped. So perhaps this is a way of escaping from that feeling of emptiness and sadness.

Madluv, he never missed greeting me a happy birthday since BD. I think it's just a reflex for him, after all we had been together for a long time. I'm so sorry your xh had totally abandoned you and his kids. It must be very painful especially for your kids. In a way I honestly appreciate when he messaged me on my birthday. But he never asked me not once how I am since D. I asked him so many times though. I sometimes feel worry for him but then it just goes away quickly. Ready is right, I think my xh has been pursuing all these things he's been doing whether it's a young OW or his sports, it's just an escape from the horrible feeling of dissatisfaction in life and emptiness. My xh told me recently when he remembered the time he had a burnout, which I realize now was probably the beginning of MLC, that he felt like there's a dark heavy cloud above his head. That's how he described it. I think that was the onset of his MLC. That was almost 7 years prior BD.

[MadLuv]

Dragonfly- I think they just never attach deeply enough out of that unresolved dark pit. Once they leave they don't want to open that door fully because I truly believe  leaving was very hard and painful. Ao, the happy birthday is all he has in him. It does show that he is consistent with it, but hasn’t had much growth to feel safe enough to ask about your life.

I like you would ask my XH how he was etc. At one point I said, you never ask me how I am? He said, I know if I give you time you will just tell me. But I really don’t have the right to ask. Seems accurate.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Ready how long did it take you until the emotional connection was gone? Was it the moment you met your lovely wife?

I think that the true emotional connection never really leaves. It diminishes over time. I think of people I have not seen for years and as soon as I get with them again it is as if we have seen each other every day. The connection is still there.

When my ex filed for divorce, there was a shift. I think the moment I went from viewing her as my partner to a business transaction, the emotional connection was severed. My mentality became more geared to this is something she wants despite the pain it was inflicting on me. Just like your ex, her pursuit of something else was more important than me and that was all that mattered.

Yet, even to this day, I still do care about her and would not wish any harm to her and I feel you have the same regards to your ex as well.

The only thing that your ex does that mine doesn't do is do anchor checks. It just seems to me that as he pursues his experiences, he still needs to connect time to time with his past. Then he moves on to the next thrill.

I hope you have the opportunity to experience someone new that respects you and care about you more than anything else.

Have a great day and keep the focus on you,

(((Ready)))

[Dragonfly33]

I think that the true emotional connection never really leaves. It diminishes over time. I think of people I have not seen for years and as soon as I get with them again it is as if we have seen each other every day. The connection is still there.

This make sense. But my mom always tells me, she doesn't have any emotional connection with my father. She said, she forgave him, but she still doesn't like him anymore as a person. My father never changed so I can understand my mom. He even betrayed us, his kids, the last time we had contact with him. For us, he is now a total stranger.

When my ex filed for divorce, there was a shift. I think the moment I went from viewing her as my partner to a business transaction, the emotional connection was severed. My mentality became more geared to this is something she wants despite the pain it was inflicting on me. Just like your ex, her pursuit of something else was more important than me and that was all that mattered.

I thought after the divorce, I would cut him off totally. But that was not the case. Then I said to myself, after his alimony to me ends, that will be the end of our connection. So now, I stopped texting my ex husband. When I started contacting him again, that emotional connection seemed to get stronger, at least on my side. I don't think this is a good thing for me. So these past few weeks, I decided not to text him anymore. It's hard to imagine, not contacting him anymore especially when I am in some kind of trouble. He's the one who's always there to help me like when I had an accident last year. However, this contact, though positive, slows me down in moving forward. It gives me a false sense of hope. And everytime, I realize he is still there in the midst of the crisis. It's like a slap in the face to wake me up.

 

The only thing that your ex does that mine doesn't do is do anchor checks. It just seems to me that as he pursues his experiences, he still needs to connect time to time with his past. Then he moves on to the next thrill.

My ex does contact me once in a blue moon. But lately, I realized I was the one contacting him more often. Like when I'm reminded of something funny, or when I see something he used to like or anything that I know only him can connect, I would send it to him. I guess, I'm just missing having someone to share things with. I miss being able to share funny things with him that only me and him would laugh about it.

I hope you have the opportunity to experience someone new that respects you and care about you more than anything else.

Thank you Ready, I do hope I would have a second chance in that department. It's nice living alone and discovering yourself but a lot of times, I also wished I had someone to talk to and share life with.