Hey Help,
I am really sorry to hear your news. I’m somewhat "new-old" here. I joined HS back in early 2023 and was part of the SU&T (Stand Up & Thrive) group, which was exceptionally helpful. I’ve been in another Standing group since May 2023, but as my journey continues to move forward, I found myself wanting to reflect on where I am now versus where I was.
Everyone’s stories here are a mixture of pain, yet they are contrasted with incredible strength and growth. Your story stuck out to me because the timeline and events were eerily similar, at times, I thought I’d lost my mind and was reading my own posts! I guess that is the nature of MLC; it brings both comfort and sorrow to know the path is so well-documented, yet frustrating that they can’t just "hurry through the gates" to the end.
When I look back to Jan/Feb 2023 and the two "Bomb Drops," I see how broken I was. I believe no relationship hits a storm without both parties contributing to the navigation, but after the drop, I spiraled. Every facet of my life was affected, and I developed a psychological intolerance for silence that lasted nearly two years. I tried to patch my pain as those in grief do, but much like the MLCer’s journey, I feel that is part of our "rite of passage" as Standers. In August 2023 (two months after my wife moved out), I hit my rock bottom. That is where my serious growth started.
Since then, my wife started a new relationship and moved him in. This triggered severe mental health challenges in my D9 (then 7), who reported her mother’s actions to the school and mental health workers. That relationship ended, and for a minute, I saw glimpses of her old self. It was short-lived. She started another relationship (LO2) and filed for divorce. The cycle repeated: she introduced the children to the new partner, and the mental health issues for D9 have been triggered all over again.
My wife is currently at her worst for selfishness and "monstering." She is in a constant blind rage that often defies logic. I believe she is filled with guilt and shame, which fuels her rage toward me, despite me barely interacting with her outside of basic co-parenting logistics. For someone chasing an ideal of "happiness," she is outwardly miserable. Her only forum for a smile is social media, which I no longer partake in.
I look at her life now: she has blown our savings, she has "affaired down" twice (D9 even commented that the new boyfriend looks exactly like the old one), and she lives in a small house with her brother and LO2 (D9 & D6 spend 50% of their time there however D9 has commented she doesn't want to live with Mummy any more. She feels Mummy doesn't love and her even is observant enough to know her Mummy is no longer the person she once was). My daughters are both receiving wellbeing interventions, and D9’s care has been escalated to local mental health services. My wife refuses to understand the legal consequences of the divorce and stopped paying her share of the mortgage almost 3 years ago, leaving it all to me. She has removed every person of positive influence from her life, surrounding herself with colleagues who have had their own affairs or "wet lettuce" friends who lie for her. Her life is a train wreck hurtling toward a broken bridge.
So, why am I listing these complaints? To offer a contrast.
As much as I am in the middle of a divorce, hemorrhaging money to lawyers, and dealing with safeguarding issues and the everyday curveballs of work and car troubles... I actually know I will be OK. And you know what? You will be too, my friend.
I’ve let go of perfectionism and the need to have all the answers. I can’t control the curveballs, but I can control my response. I am most proud of my relationship with my children. It grows stronger every day; they know their Dad’s love is a "Safe Place." Grasping onto these wins drives me toward a positive future.
A vulture will always find a carcass because that is what it looks for; I choose to look for the good. Perhaps your recent job loss is an opportunity rather than a curse, another stepping stone in your bright future. While it sounds like your wife hasn't reached her rock bottom yet, I am certain that as we grow, it chips away at their cognitive dissonance. Our light eventually spills into their darkness.
I originally set a "timeline" to exit my Stand in January 2024, yet somehow I have miraculously made it this far. My journey led me to faith, and I attribute God’s work to getting me here, though I respect that everyone has their own path. The most important thing is to reflect on how far you’ve come, it’s so easy to forget that when things are hard.
I want to encourage you today: you’ve made it this far, and you will live to fight another day! What lucky children you have to have such a steadfast father.
All the best,
free
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Help Please 5