[Happylight]

Thank you so much for providing the insight and we really appreciate your H sharing as well. 
You stated that realizing the mess he made was gradual.  I would be interested in hearing more about the inner thoughts on the processing through.  How did realizing the mess he made look on the outside.  Did he start moving back toward you before he even finished processing all of that or was moving back toward you still partly in the fog at first, or did he start moving back toward you when he was fully snapped out of it? 

Also, where in the timeline did the AA come in?  Was that on his own? 

Again, thank you so much for sharing.

[KellBell]

Thank you so much for providing the insight and we really appreciate your H sharing as well. 
You stated that realizing the mess he made was gradual.  I would be interested in hearing more about the inner thoughts on the processing through.  How did realizing the mess he made look on the outside.  Did he start moving back toward you before he even finished processing all of that or was moving back toward you still partly in the fog at first, or did he start moving back toward you when he was fully snapped out of it? 

Also, where in the timeline did the AA come in?  Was that on his own? 

Again, thank you so much for sharing.

Hi- sorry it took so long to get back. I only check back every so often. But as to your questions...I think he just finally got to such a low point and a dark place that he had two choices- keep going on that crappy path or figure things out. He was very isolated. He up and left to another state and didn't know anyone. And the mutual people we knew were like "you did what!? why?". He was lonely and the bachelor life wasn't what he thought. Every time he would visit the kids it was awkward and forced. The girls and I would all hang out and do weekly dinners and he would hear about it secondhand and feel left out.  The first month I yelled at him, asked to please talk about things and move slower. After that I was just detached, he was going to do what he wanted and no amount of energy on my side was going to sway him. So I focused on me and the kids. I didn't yell anymore. I only talked to him when I needed to. Set personal boundaries with him. And really started focusing on myself and my future. I went back to school, started exercising, hanging out with friends more and got a job. On my end- it was to keep me busy so I could detach from his mess but on his end he started seeing me as someone other than the a mom. Seeing me move on and succeed was heartbreaking for him. Heartbreaking because he felt guilty for holding me back from being this person (he didn't but he felt guilty and thought I blamed him) and heartbreaking because I was moving on in a good way and he was sinking deeper into darkness.

That's a long way of saying - it was gradual. He said he immediately regretted what he did but felt he had to see it through because something had to change. MLC is based in depression and for whatever reason they really are struggling. I was to blame and he was so sure of it. But then he left and it was just him. I wasn't around to blame and that was eye opening. I also think he realized how much I did. All the little things that he took for granted.  It would have taken him longer and possibly not at all if he had found someone else or successfully transplanted to his new town. I do think that helped our situation.

My younger brother is going through his own MLC and left his long time girl friend, moved across the country and is getting married soon to a 23 year old and now wants to have a baby. He keeps pushing the wedding date and when my mom went to visit said it was very toxic. Last week he texted me asking if he should message his ex or if I had heard from her and how was she doing. I do think he will realize he messed up but will never go back. He would rather live the rest of his life regretting that decision with a dismissive "oh well what are you going to do". So I think it's dependent on the person. Do they think they've done too much or gone too far to ever redeem themselves or see a way back.

My advice would be to focus on you. You can't figure them out or try to fix them. Just be a positive in their life. Set boundaries to minimize the hurt. It's ultimately up to them and you. How much is enough for you? They aren't helpless in this. They do have a say they are just choosing to be selfish and put themselves first to try and fill a hole or fix something. They know it's not right and that you aren't to blame (even if it's just a tiny little notion).