[Pivoine]

Hy everyone,
My husband G is going through an existential crisis. It began when he was diagnosed with cancer in 2017. G entered the anger phase in 2020, becoming selfish and irritable. Around this time, a woman began approaching him regularly. She, too, is going through an existential crisis. G is her second adultery.... she left 4 months with another guy, returned to his husband, went pregnant and continued seducing G.

In September 2021, our second child left home, and the empty nest deeply affected him. The woman continued pursuing him, and this coincided with him learning he was in full remission from cancer. By December 2022, they started texting each other. In January 2023, their adulterous relationship began.

The bomb dropped on October 30, 2023. He left the house on November 25, 2023. On January 3, 2024, he introduced this woman to our son, and by January 9, 2024, he had moved in with her.

We’ve been together for 25 years. We have two kids, 19 and 21 years old. They’re pragmatic: the eldest sees his father despite the presence of the mistress, but my youngest refuses to see her. He knows her, despises her, and compares her to a brainless bimbo.

In February, G described her as a "transition" in his life. They went on vacation together in June 2024, during which he introduced her to his family, who did not want to meet her. In July, he went on vacation alone, and they nearly broke up.

Our friends refuse to meet her, which troubles him. In September, she forced a meeting with one of my friends, who did not appreciate it. They argued a lot after that. He mentioned selling the house on September 3, 13, and 26, eventually saying, “It’s not urgent; we have time.”

In October, he spent 10 days in French Guiana without her. On Sundays, October 20 and 27, he didn’t spend the day with her. At the beginning of November, he brought up the house again, wanting to get it appraised.
He followed up with me on November 20 about selling our house. I live there alone since he’s now living with her. He doesn’t want to lose the house (it’s always been our dream—a wooden house) and says he wants to buy it… “Uh, so you want to live here with her (OW)?” … “I don’t know… uh, in the long term, yes.” It’s so surreal.

I’m practicing limited contact, but I do respond when he reaches out… which is rare, and honestly, that’s for the best. I told him the holiday season isn’t the right time to sell… “It’s never the right time,” he said. Well, yes… I’m waiting for him to come out of his crisis. Sometimes, he doesn’t seem like he’s in crisis, but honestly, letting yourself be seduced by a woman 16 years younger, who is also pregnant with her partner’s child? That’s a crisis, isn’t it?

Right now, I’m focusing on myself—accepting the situation, forgiving—but there are harder days than others. I’ve gone through my own crisis and come out of it. I know exactly how deeply I felt for him. I never cheated on him. I was the monster he described, the one who had to bear the weight of all the suffering and anger that had built up over the years. But I came out of it stronger, more in love… and yet he was already in his own crisis and chose to leave with someone else.

Thank you for reading. I wish you all strength and courage.

[MadLuv]

Sounds like you are handling things very well and strongly, which is a amazing. Lot of similarities in your situation and mine. It’s just all very hard. Then leaving and moving on quickly and the changes in the family dynamics. How each child handles it differently. My only advise after reflecting on my own journey is to try and pour all your love into you. You deserve happiness no matter how this all plays out and we waster so much time getting to that place. I do think it is also important to feel all the emotion's and grief, something the MLCer does not. Thats why they are where they are and history will not only repeat itself for them, but be worse. I truly believe are pain is the worst because we feel it all and they suppress, but that changes.  I do feel many will regret and feel the loss and we will be more healed. Do what ever you can smtp embrace anything good in your life. That is what really has got me through so far

[Treasur]

Firstly, I am very sorry that these events in your life have needed to bring you here, but I hope you will find it useful. How can we best help you? What do you feel you most need right now? The more you can tell us about what you need, the easier it is for us to support you. And we get it - I doubt there is anything you might share that at least some folks here have not experienced. People will have different perspectives bc of our own experiences, and of course you can choose what works best for your situation.

In lieu of that, two practical things from me….

I don’t know if your posting name is close to your real name, but if it is you might want to change it to something more anonymous to protect your privacy.

Secondly, have you consulted a lawyer about your rights and obligations where you live? And about how you might protect yourself financially depending on the details of your circumstances? Laws vary in different places, and after a long marriage, many of us can be financially quite vulnerable when a spouse runs off to set up a new life. I understand that you might not want to do that if you want to stand in hope of reconciliation, but getting information can be useful in working out how to take care of yourself and figure out a plan that is more than waiting for this awful time to get better. Imho once a spouse talks about divorce or selling homes, it is time to get some legal and financial support and information. Very few MLC type spouses behave well financially post BD and very few behave honestly or fairly or as if they are concerned about your future wellbeing. My advice is to hope for the best but plan for the worst, to start training your brain to think Me instead of We, hard as that is after a long We.

You will probably come to find that all of the things you posted about OW and your h’s travels matter much less than you think they do right now. What matters more is how you move your mindset to a Me and act accordingly. And it is possible to do that while still standing in hope if you wish. But I would encourage you to accept that this awful thing HAS happened, that it is real and big and life-altering, and that your plan - whatever it is - needs to be built on that. So, for instance, if you knew 100% that your marriage was over, what would you do differently than you are doing now? I’m sorry bc we all know how hard and painful this is, and how hard it is to even begin to make a plan when you feel how you feel right now, but thinking about it will give you options. And this is your precious life too and you deserve to have options.

Let us know more about how you are, and how we might help you.

[Reinventing]

AL, I want to second what MadLuv and Treasur said.

[Flummoxed]

Hello AL,

Agreeing with all of the great advice provided above. Following along and sending hugs your way!

[Pivoine]

Thank you so much for your support. Today, I have no contact with him. I reply when he sends me a message, but I never take the initiative to write to him.
As for the house, as I mentioned, it’s our life project—a beautiful wooden house in the countryside where he planted many trees and left his bonsai collection (60 of them) because he doesn’t have space for them in his new house with the other woman. He also left most of his belongings, taking only clothes, shoes, a few books, and some CDs, leaving so much behind, always claiming a lack of space as the reason.
One day he wants to sell it, another day he wants to buy it back, then it’s my turn to buy it, and yet another day we could rent it out. But it would be good not to lose it. Long live the crisis and its contradictions.
’m French, and for him to sell the house, he would need to initiate divorce proceedings... because, of course, I do not agree. I’m letting him handle the steps while letting him believe I might agree. So, he has to arrange for real estate agents and a notary to come and evaluate the house. I’m not taking any action.

He believes we must sell the house before divorcing, but that’s not true—unless I agree, which I don’t. He confided in a friend, saying he knows that selling the house would be a point of no return with me. Yet he keeps pushing for it, even though he’s still officially registered at the house and still has personal belongings here.

He’s not happy with the other woman, but despite their arguments, she’s manipulating him into staying with her through emotional blackmail. I’m hoping to buy time and that their relationship will eventually fall apart… but it’s hard.

I’ve had my own crisis, and I now know that I love him unconditionally. However, selling the house… with all our history and what it represents for our children (a sense of stability after several moves)… it’s more than I can handle. I know I have to let them act without helping them—that’s what I’m doing. Often, they don’t follow through… they test us and push to see how strong we are.

I admit I waver between selling the house and starting fresh somewhere else, but I know I’d be at odds with myself if I did.

[Flummoxed]

Hello Pivoine,

Your home sounds absolutely lovely and developed with such care. You are doing so brilliantly and moving forward in such a strong way. It’s fascinating that you’ve experienced a crisis of your own; I’ve heard that it can be a mixed experience as an LBS as it can potentially help with perspective- it feels like that is the case in this instance. I don’t have much to add except to follow your instincts. Move in the direction that you feel right moving in- that is all that matters.

[xyzcf]

Bonjour et bienvenue a Heros Spouse.

Glad you found us. There is so much information and support here. You are among friends.

I actually was able to stay in my house. 15 years ago, looking at several other options I realized that there were ways to stay here and I saw it as an investment. I recently received notice that my mortgage was "paid in full" and I was amazed..I did it! I didn't know if I could, either financially or if I could handle taking care of it. It is my safe place.

I am not from this country and at the time, all my family and friends were in Canada but I listened to my inner voice and I have found that if I listen, and follow that voice, it helps me a great deal to make the right decision.

Like a fish out of water, they flip back and forth all the time with what they say and do, leaving us off balance because we expect a "normal" response from them. It's amazing how they change their minds from one day to the next.

This is not about you and not about your marriage. As much as it affects your marriage.

Be gentle and kind to yourself....you can really only control your life, your dreams, your wishes and desires. The hard part is that I wanted those dreams, wishes and desires to include him. I had to find new ones.

I’ve had my own crisis, and I now know that I love him unconditionally.

This is hard, for those of us who continue to love our spouses. The world doesn't get it, after what they have done we are "supposed" to grieve and then be over it....I see and sometimes feel "his pain"..there are ties between us that still are there, even 15 years later. I have contact with him, sometimes more than I would like, but it has given me a view of the struggle he is going through and that has allowed me to have compassion and empathy for his crisis.

I have also built my own life which is full and rich....sometimes we need to take some space for ourselves but you can change your mind from one day to the next as to what and if you wish to have contact with him. Like you, I seldom initiate contact but do respond back to him.

Take it one day at a time, journalling helped me a great deal to figure out what I needed to do that was best for myself and our family. It is different for each person on this site.

[Treasur]

Pivoine is a lovely name, good choice. Peony in English, I think. At this time of year, my peonies are nothing more than a brown scrap of leaf. They look quite dead but of course, in the spring they will start to unfurl new growth and then produce the most beautiful flowers once again.

[Pivoine]

thanks for all your support.

It's really hard sometimes. I follow my instinct, but I have doubts about his ability to overcome his crisis and end this relationship that has been going on for two years. He’s neglecting his own family—financially and emotionally.

He asked to have our dog during the Christmas holidays... he hasn’t seen him since September. For our children, who are studying, he feels a lack of them (he accused me of being responsible for them not coming to the house anymore because I complained too much, but actually, they were just living their student lives). This weekend, he asked our oldest son to visit him twice. I know I shouldn’t expect anything or read too much into these changes in behavior, but it’s so hard right now. The holidays, which are family time, our children’s birthdays, and our wedding anniversary today. I have to move forward, let go, but some days are harder than others. I manage to hide how I feel, and he tells our friends that I’m not doing well... that’s why he’s not rushing the proceedings... irony... it’s him who’s struggling the most. It takes time, but right now, it’s hard.