[Pivoine]

Hy everyone,
My husband G is going through an existential crisis. It began when he was diagnosed with cancer in 2017. G entered the anger phase in 2020, becoming selfish and irritable. Around this time, a woman began approaching him regularly. She, too, is going through an existential crisis. G is her second adultery.... she left 4 months with another guy, returned to his husband, went pregnant and continued seducing G.

In September 2021, our second child left home, and the empty nest deeply affected him. The woman continued pursuing him, and this coincided with him learning he was in full remission from cancer. By December 2022, they started texting each other. In January 2023, their adulterous relationship began.

The bomb dropped on October 30, 2023. He left the house on November 25, 2023. On January 3, 2024, he introduced this woman to our son, and by January 9, 2024, he had moved in with her.

We’ve been together for 25 years. We have two kids, 19 and 21 years old. They’re pragmatic: the eldest sees his father despite the presence of the mistress, but my youngest refuses to see her. He knows her, despises her, and compares her to a brainless bimbo.

In February, G described her as a "transition" in his life. They went on vacation together in June 2024, during which he introduced her to his family, who did not want to meet her. In July, he went on vacation alone, and they nearly broke up.

Our friends refuse to meet her, which troubles him. In September, she forced a meeting with one of my friends, who did not appreciate it. They argued a lot after that. He mentioned selling the house on September 3, 13, and 26, eventually saying, “It’s not urgent; we have time.”

In October, he spent 10 days in French Guiana without her. On Sundays, October 20 and 27, he didn’t spend the day with her. At the beginning of November, he brought up the house again, wanting to get it appraised.
He followed up with me on November 20 about selling our house. I live there alone since he’s now living with her. He doesn’t want to lose the house (it’s always been our dream—a wooden house) and says he wants to buy it… “Uh, so you want to live here with her (OW)?” … “I don’t know… uh, in the long term, yes.” It’s so surreal.

I’m practicing limited contact, but I do respond when he reaches out… which is rare, and honestly, that’s for the best. I told him the holiday season isn’t the right time to sell… “It’s never the right time,” he said. Well, yes… I’m waiting for him to come out of his crisis. Sometimes, he doesn’t seem like he’s in crisis, but honestly, letting yourself be seduced by a woman 16 years younger, who is also pregnant with her partner’s child? That’s a crisis, isn’t it?

Right now, I’m focusing on myself—accepting the situation, forgiving—but there are harder days than others. I’ve gone through my own crisis and come out of it. I know exactly how deeply I felt for him. I never cheated on him. I was the monster he described, the one who had to bear the weight of all the suffering and anger that had built up over the years. But I came out of it stronger, more in love… and yet he was already in his own crisis and chose to leave with someone else.

Thank you for reading. I wish you all strength and courage.

[MadLuv]

Sounds like you are handling things very well and strongly, which is a amazing. Lot of similarities in your situation and mine. It’s just all very hard. Then leaving and moving on quickly and the changes in the family dynamics. How each child handles it differently. My only advise after reflecting on my own journey is to try and pour all your love into you. You deserve happiness no matter how this all plays out and we waster so much time getting to that place. I do think it is also important to feel all the emotion's and grief, something the MLCer does not. Thats why they are where they are and history will not only repeat itself for them, but be worse. I truly believe are pain is the worst because we feel it all and they suppress, but that changes.  I do feel many will regret and feel the loss and we will be more healed. Do what ever you can smtp embrace anything good in your life. That is what really has got me through so far

[Treasur]

Firstly, I am very sorry that these events in your life have needed to bring you here, but I hope you will find it useful. How can we best help you? What do you feel you most need right now? The more you can tell us about what you need, the easier it is for us to support you. And we get it - I doubt there is anything you might share that at least some folks here have not experienced. People will have different perspectives bc of our own experiences, and of course you can choose what works best for your situation.

In lieu of that, two practical things from me….

I don’t know if your posting name is close to your real name, but if it is you might want to change it to something more anonymous to protect your privacy.

Secondly, have you consulted a lawyer about your rights and obligations where you live? And about how you might protect yourself financially depending on the details of your circumstances? Laws vary in different places, and after a long marriage, many of us can be financially quite vulnerable when a spouse runs off to set up a new life. I understand that you might not want to do that if you want to stand in hope of reconciliation, but getting information can be useful in working out how to take care of yourself and figure out a plan that is more than waiting for this awful time to get better. Imho once a spouse talks about divorce or selling homes, it is time to get some legal and financial support and information. Very few MLC type spouses behave well financially post BD and very few behave honestly or fairly or as if they are concerned about your future wellbeing. My advice is to hope for the best but plan for the worst, to start training your brain to think Me instead of We, hard as that is after a long We.

You will probably come to find that all of the things you posted about OW and your h’s travels matter much less than you think they do right now. What matters more is how you move your mindset to a Me and act accordingly. And it is possible to do that while still standing in hope if you wish. But I would encourage you to accept that this awful thing HAS happened, that it is real and big and life-altering, and that your plan - whatever it is - needs to be built on that. So, for instance, if you knew 100% that your marriage was over, what would you do differently than you are doing now? I’m sorry bc we all know how hard and painful this is, and how hard it is to even begin to make a plan when you feel how you feel right now, but thinking about it will give you options. And this is your precious life too and you deserve to have options.

Let us know more about how you are, and how we might help you.

[Reinventing]

AL, I want to second what MadLuv and Treasur said.

[Flummoxed]

Hello AL,

Agreeing with all of the great advice provided above. Following along and sending hugs your way!

[Pivoine]

Thank you so much for your support. Today, I have no contact with him. I reply when he sends me a message, but I never take the initiative to write to him.
As for the house, as I mentioned, it’s our life project—a beautiful wooden house in the countryside where he planted many trees and left his bonsai collection (60 of them) because he doesn’t have space for them in his new house with the other woman. He also left most of his belongings, taking only clothes, shoes, a few books, and some CDs, leaving so much behind, always claiming a lack of space as the reason.
One day he wants to sell it, another day he wants to buy it back, then it’s my turn to buy it, and yet another day we could rent it out. But it would be good not to lose it. Long live the crisis and its contradictions.
’m French, and for him to sell the house, he would need to initiate divorce proceedings... because, of course, I do not agree. I’m letting him handle the steps while letting him believe I might agree. So, he has to arrange for real estate agents and a notary to come and evaluate the house. I’m not taking any action.

He believes we must sell the house before divorcing, but that’s not true—unless I agree, which I don’t. He confided in a friend, saying he knows that selling the house would be a point of no return with me. Yet he keeps pushing for it, even though he’s still officially registered at the house and still has personal belongings here.

He’s not happy with the other woman, but despite their arguments, she’s manipulating him into staying with her through emotional blackmail. I’m hoping to buy time and that their relationship will eventually fall apart… but it’s hard.

I’ve had my own crisis, and I now know that I love him unconditionally. However, selling the house… with all our history and what it represents for our children (a sense of stability after several moves)… it’s more than I can handle. I know I have to let them act without helping them—that’s what I’m doing. Often, they don’t follow through… they test us and push to see how strong we are.

I admit I waver between selling the house and starting fresh somewhere else, but I know I’d be at odds with myself if I did.

[Flummoxed]

Hello Pivoine,

Your home sounds absolutely lovely and developed with such care. You are doing so brilliantly and moving forward in such a strong way. It’s fascinating that you’ve experienced a crisis of your own; I’ve heard that it can be a mixed experience as an LBS as it can potentially help with perspective- it feels like that is the case in this instance. I don’t have much to add except to follow your instincts. Move in the direction that you feel right moving in- that is all that matters.

[xyzcf]

Bonjour et bienvenue a Heros Spouse.

Glad you found us. There is so much information and support here. You are among friends.

I actually was able to stay in my house. 15 years ago, looking at several other options I realized that there were ways to stay here and I saw it as an investment. I recently received notice that my mortgage was "paid in full" and I was amazed..I did it! I didn't know if I could, either financially or if I could handle taking care of it. It is my safe place.

I am not from this country and at the time, all my family and friends were in Canada but I listened to my inner voice and I have found that if I listen, and follow that voice, it helps me a great deal to make the right decision.

Like a fish out of water, they flip back and forth all the time with what they say and do, leaving us off balance because we expect a "normal" response from them. It's amazing how they change their minds from one day to the next.

This is not about you and not about your marriage. As much as it affects your marriage.

Be gentle and kind to yourself....you can really only control your life, your dreams, your wishes and desires. The hard part is that I wanted those dreams, wishes and desires to include him. I had to find new ones.

I’ve had my own crisis, and I now know that I love him unconditionally.

This is hard, for those of us who continue to love our spouses. The world doesn't get it, after what they have done we are "supposed" to grieve and then be over it....I see and sometimes feel "his pain"..there are ties between us that still are there, even 15 years later. I have contact with him, sometimes more than I would like, but it has given me a view of the struggle he is going through and that has allowed me to have compassion and empathy for his crisis.

I have also built my own life which is full and rich....sometimes we need to take some space for ourselves but you can change your mind from one day to the next as to what and if you wish to have contact with him. Like you, I seldom initiate contact but do respond back to him.

Take it one day at a time, journalling helped me a great deal to figure out what I needed to do that was best for myself and our family. It is different for each person on this site.

[Treasur]

Pivoine is a lovely name, good choice. Peony in English, I think. At this time of year, my peonies are nothing more than a brown scrap of leaf. They look quite dead but of course, in the spring they will start to unfurl new growth and then produce the most beautiful flowers once again.

[Pivoine]

thanks for all your support.

It's really hard sometimes. I follow my instinct, but I have doubts about his ability to overcome his crisis and end this relationship that has been going on for two years. He’s neglecting his own family—financially and emotionally.

He asked to have our dog during the Christmas holidays... he hasn’t seen him since September. For our children, who are studying, he feels a lack of them (he accused me of being responsible for them not coming to the house anymore because I complained too much, but actually, they were just living their student lives). This weekend, he asked our oldest son to visit him twice. I know I shouldn’t expect anything or read too much into these changes in behavior, but it’s so hard right now. The holidays, which are family time, our children’s birthdays, and our wedding anniversary today. I have to move forward, let go, but some days are harder than others. I manage to hide how I feel, and he tells our friends that I’m not doing well... that’s why he’s not rushing the proceedings... irony... it’s him who’s struggling the most. It takes time, but right now, it’s hard.

[Treasur]

Are you minded to say yes about the dog? Any benefit to you or the dog in that eg your being free to visit a friend? If not, not sure why one would say yes….he left the dog too after all.

It IS hard and harder perhaps at this time of year because of all the family traditions and memories of other times that go with that. I lost my father just before BD, my mother to dementia at the same time and of course my then h, and I am an only child without a close extended family. I always find Christmas a bit difficult and each year I give myself permission to step gingerly towards it and see what works for me. And that’s ok. Christmas is difficult for a lot of people, isn’t it?

Will your kids be with you for Christmas? Do you have close friends or family nearby that might allow you to celebrate differently? With or without the dog!

[Pivoine]

G seems to be showing signs of reconnection. He contacted my parents to wish them a happy new year and told them he often thinks about them, especially on Christmas Eve and the days leading up to it (while he was with his whole family for the Christmas weekend, our children were also present and healing). We also had a conversation where I asked him to stop contacting me, which of course he disagreed with. He brought up my anger and the fact that I had said I wanted to leave. I explained to him that it was a cry for help, that I needed support (I didn’t tell him it was the words of someone going through an existential crisis). He says he knows I’m suffering, that our children are suffering, and that he is also suffering and it’s difficult; he says, ‘I miss the dog, you see, I have tears in my eyes.’ Healing from flaws is complicated, ‘you’ll see the day you live with someone else, it’s not easy... I have my flaws too.’ I told him that his flaws never bothered me, and he admitted it was true. He thinks about the trees he has to trim (a year ago, it was about the freedom to leave everything behind). He also talks about the fact that I have the chance to still see our friends (which is false, I’m not invited), and he doesn’t understand why because I’m an interesting and engaged person, I talk about everything, and I know how to debate, people enjoy talking to me. I reminded him of things he had said to me, and clearly, he seemed surprised, he didn’t remember. For example, when he left, he said, ‘You are flawless, but I need to know with her,’ or, ‘You’ve wanted to leave me for 15 years, and now I should switch in one year.’ He also starts saying, ‘People mind their own business,’ yet in April 2023, he needed approval from others, especially from his family. However, he contacted real estate agencies and a lawyer but didn’t follow through, he didn’t call them (I have his call log). He’s moving forward, but it’s slow.

[UrsaMajor]

He is still confused, still has his head stuffed so far up his .... fog ... that he is looking out of his belly-button to see where he is going....

Like the saying goes, "Talk is cheap. Watch his consistent actions."

Two years is a blink of an eye in this marathon....

[KayDee]

My H did all these things Pivoine - almost word for word what you said. And he seemed to miss everything except me. (I used to joke that if we had an ant farm he would have said 'gosh, I miss those ants').  A lot of outpouring from him, after which, unfathomable to my even-keeled mind, he would do something so completely contrary, and hurtful, it would upend me again. No more of that for me.

So, Guard Your Heart - there is such emotional lability in this type of crisis. You can't hold on to any of it.

[Pivoine]

I still want him to come back.... still in love with him.

[FaithWalker]

Completely understandable.  We built a life with them, and can't just fall out of love with them like that *snaps fingers*.  Keep posting and journaling here, it's very therapeutic.

[Pivoine]

Hello everyone
I don't post here for a long time.
Many things happened.
He went to a lawyer on January 20th and called me right afterward. His voice was trembling. For him, he feels like he has no choice. If I have another solution... He doesn't want to risk putting me in a difficult position in case of over-indebtedness, since we are jointly responsible. He trusts me in that regard.
He also had the house appraised, but the agent doesn’t seem in a hurry to provide the estimate. Nothing is moving forward—he hasn’t followed up with the lawyer or the real estate agent. Contradictions everywhere.

He reached out to my parents, telling them he’s thinking of them and that he thought about them a lot in the days leading up to Christmas while he was with family—and with the other woman as well. My children had to endure her presence for three days.

He’s been texting with my college friend lately. She feels that he’s not doing well. He goes to the movies alone and is reading a book that belongs to me, one I recommended to him two years ago—ironic, right? He doesn’t do much with his weekends anymore. He still asks me for many favors: lending him sheets for his ski trip, board games, and so on. He’s always polite... even though he told me, “With or without her, I don’t want to live with you.” Another irony—we haven’t been living together for some time now.

He’s starting to worry about our younger son’s (19, in engineering school) drinking habits—he drinks more than he should at parties. He said to me, “I know you criticized me for that...” I cut him off; I had warned him that it was concerning. Now he’s worried about it, too. He seems more connected to what’s going on, but I’m still not part of the picture.

Meanwhile, the other woman isn’t doing well. She posted a troubling message on Facebook, saying, “Her wildest dreams have become her worst nightmare. She’s teetering, suffocating, everything is piling up. Her makeup and fake smile are there to say, ‘Yes, I’m fine,’ but it’s not true. When everything falls apart...”

He went skiing for a week with our eldest son and one of our younger son’s friends. She didn’t go.

It’s hard to stay strong through all this. I don’t know how to keep working on myself. I see a therapist, I’ve reflected on our relationship, and I still want him back in my life. I still love him. But this is so long and drawn out.

[Baxter1]

Sounds like you are staying strong which is great. I’m at about the two year mark and I feel the same way. I constantly reflect on the relationship and realize that although it wasn’t perfect ( I don’t think any relationship is ‘perfect’), I don’t think it was so bad to come to this. I would love to have her back in my life and I still love my W. I think this process is for both them and us. We are both taking a step back I and figuring out our own lives.

My W filed for divorce almost a year ago and it’s moving slowly. I get the feeling she is regretting the decision and I’m hoping it gets delayed as much as possible. Good luck on this journey

[LC]

My heart goes out to you, Pivoine.
I’m in a similar situation to yours.
H want a divorce see he can by a house.
I can only play the waiting game and get on with my life.
I found better emotional stability and peace of mind when I stopped doing things for him and making decisions based on “us”. 
Your H is truly on a journey, now.
Find what makes you happy, beyond any relationship.
You are doing well and you are going to be just fine.😊

[Treasur]

If he filed on 20th January, do you have your own lawyer? Bc there are likely to be practical things you need advice on about your rights and obligations. A divorce isn’t just about what he wants and needs, after all. We know it’s hard to even think about these things probably, but finding a way to do so will make a difference to your longer term wellbeing and financial security. And that matters, whatever happens.

It sounds as if you have quite a few links to his new life….phone calls to your friend and FB announcements from ow, plus his ‘requests’ for x or y from you? I would encourage you to try to shut those down as much as you can - tell other people you don’t want to hear, stop following ow on FB, limit how much or how quickly you respond to his ‘requests’ or give him a date by which he should remove any personal items from what is now YOUR home. Why? Bc it makes no practical difference to be exposed to this info and it keeps you hooked on a kind of endless speculation which is bad for your mental health. Don’t get me wrong - we’ve all done it for a while, it’s a kind of trauma response to look for ‘signs’ - but we have all had to teach ourselves to stop.

And filing for divorce is a very concrete action which imho changes the situation you are dealing with. So one needs to change to fit that reality.

Again jmo, but right now ypur goal is probably more about acceptance. Accepting that this is all real and happening and that it is life altering for you. You can still love him, you can still wish it were different, you can even still hope that some time in the future it might be different. But right now, as you said he said, “With or without her, I don’t want to live with you“. THAT is the hard thing to accept but I would encourage you to start living as if you believe him. Bc right now, that is how it is.

And you get to decide if that means you are still in the business of lending board games or sheets, or knowing what he reads, or talking to him about anything much at all. Bc after all, regardless of your responses to his requests so far, or books, or sadz thoughts he shared with your parents, the reality is that he left and he’s not there, is he? Imho everything else is secondary to that tough real factual truth. He left, he’s not there and he has told you he has filed for divorce. That is the current reality that you need to find a way to accept as current reality bc how you feel about it or what he may feel or what ow is feeling doesn’t change that current reality, does it? If the situation changes again, you can adapt accordingly but right now, I would encourage you to start thinking of yourself as a stbxw and him as a stbxh.

What does being an ex-wife mean for you? What do you think you should stop, start or do differently with someone who - no matter how painful it is to be rejected - does not want to live with you and has filed for divorce? What does it all mean for you about how you go about your life as a person and a parent?

But as others have said, I’m so sorry. It’s a hard thing to accept and it takes a bit of time to begin to deal with how things are as opposed to how we wish they were.

It is many years for me since BD and all the insanity that followed it and several years since I had any contact with my xh who also filed and remarried shortly thereafter. No kids, so I have literally no idea if he is even alive let alone what books he reads. I found accepting reality hard and tbh I suffered financially and emotionally bc of that. So I am not saying this to judge, more in the hope that others will not make the mistakes I made. Today, years on, it still feels like a strange tsunami in my life that changed everything for me and I find it pretty much as inexplicable now as I did then. Sometimes it is almost as if I imagined the person I was with for 20 years and that’s a strange feeling. But….the sun is shining here, the birds are singing, I have a good cup of coffee at my side before starting work, I have friends and people who care about me and I am ok. My life is different but I am ok. I am no more and no less a person than I was before the tsunami. Acceptance was hard and slow, a series of experiments really, but I found my own way to it and you will find yours too when you are ready.

[MadLuv]

I’m so sorry for your pain. This is a horrible situation, but what does help is to not try and decipher what or why he is doing something or she is doing something and what that may mean for you and your relationship. What you do know is that he is not home. He is choosing this. He isn’t being manipulated by her without wanting to be. We want others to back our feelings, because we want hope and we want to continue to love them. What we really need to do is pour all that time and energy into us.

Let go and let him live what ever mistakes he wants, because he has to live his choices to determine where he wants to be. We dont het to decide where he should be. What really started to help me was to only focus on what he was choosing. It wasn’t me or our life or our family. To this day I find it unbelievable who he did choose. That he doesn’t see his kids. At all!! It gets worse. The more we hang on. So, let him be. Stop trying to figure out where he is. He doesn’t even know where he is mentally.

 Anything you can do to see his actions. His choices and accept them where they are the better. It’s all so hard. Getting a little angry at the injustice of it all and focusing on what they are doing to hurt you and your kids really does help to start shifting your mindset away from them and to start empowering you.

[Pivoine]

Thank you for your responses and support. I feel like I’m living a waking nightmare. This is not a divorce request he’s initiating, but rather gathering information about how a separation and the sale of the house would proceed. He wants to buy the house. I do not agree. He wants to live there alone, but he is not alone. After a month, I still haven’t received anything—not the house valuation nor the explanatory letter from his lawyer. I went to see my banker and a lawyer. It all feels so surreal. I don’t know what more I can do to work on myself. I see my friends a little, who are also his friends, but he rarely sees them and only for a coffee, not for an evening together.

I know I need to stop doing things for him, but my kindness takes over. I’m working on my childhood wounds, meditating, and seeing a therapist... yet I’m still in so much pain. He keeps pulling me along with him because he doesn’t know how to cut ties with me. He still pays half the house loan, pays the property tax, and his belongings are still here. I believe it’s not my responsibility to pack his things. He hasn’t taken anything in nearly seven months, and he still has some administrative paperwork addressed to our home.

It’s utter confusion. I’m trying to stay strong... but sometimes I break down. This situation is torture.

[Treasur]

We know. And we are so sorry that you feel how you currently feel.

The truth in life imho is that this starts to change when you feel ready to begin to try to change the window you are looking through. The torture stops when you adjust your eye and expectations. I am not saying that the pain disappears, more that it is converted from the kind of suffering you feel right now to something a bit more like grief. And I’m not sure that grief ever entirely goes away, but it does soften with time to a more manageable size imho.

How does one do that? Again jmo, but for me the key was finding a way to start accepting what I had already lost and to start assuming that if it quacked like a duck, it was probably a duck. And that I couldn’t control the duck, but I could choose what I did about it and how much of the duck I invited in or allowed to come into my life.

The important thing is that you have choices. And that choices come with effects, for better or worse, which no one owns but you.

It’s funny how we can learn by glancing through other peoples’ mental windows, how others can see something one way and we read a post here and think well, I think that too or I see it quite differently based on the information the poster shared. A couple of recent posts have made me think that. Idk if you have those thoughts too when you read other posts here?

Or indeed if you have reached your own point when you are so tired of that tortured feeling that you are ready to experiment with some new windows.

Examples? The house. You say what he wants and what you don’t want, but not what you do want. Simply put, there are usually only three choices…he buys you out, you buy him out, or the house is sold to someone else and you both individuallly live someplace else. Which option do you prefer?

And if I were being more cynical, I think I could argue that his ‘not letting go of ties’ is about retaining his interest in the house…his payments are not about your well-being or caring about you, they are about getting what he wants eg the house. MLC folks are very Me Me Me. And bc it’s a common pattern, it’s usually safe to assume that they are focussing on what they want more than anything else in the short-term.

Idk the advantages and disadvantages of legal separation vs divorce where you live, and what legal advice you have received, but imho that’s another choice you can make after considering what is best for you. A marriage in name only gives you what? Or would you heal and move forward better if you accepted that your h does not want to live like your h and that divorce would be a wiser option for you? No right answers to these things, only the best answer for you in the longer term.

The essence of suffering imho and according to thinkers wiser than me is when we fight reality bc we don’t want to accept how things are. The torture is bc we want x and keep trying to get x, and keep being disappointed that x doesn’t happen. Until we reach a point when we’re ready to look at the window marked Y. When we accept things we don’t want to accept as currently how things are regardless of how we feel about them. Again jmo but that’s a life lesson that most of us encounter eventually in some shaoe….here it just happens to be about our marriages.

Another example of a different window? What if I told you that there was nothing wrong with you, that you are just a normal human that something terrible has happened to? Not BC of you, but TO and AROUND you. So there’s no need to ‘work on yourself’ to change it, but perhaps the need to work on you in order to accept and adjust to it? Not to change it but to work out how to navigate it and get to the other side of it? What difference would that make?

Another example of a different window? Idk what form being ‘kind’ is taking right now. Or how ‘kind’ you are being to yourself vs towards him? I do know that I don’t think I have seen one story here of a spouse being able to ‘kind’ someone back. Not one. And I’ve seen plenty where ‘kindness’ is seen as  weakness by a departed spouse, and the LBS gets played into poor outcomes legally or lives like a fish on a hook of entitlement for a while until they spit the hook out. I’m not saying you should be nasty or spiteful, but a different window might be about how appropriate ypur ‘kind’ is towards someone who is being pretty unkind towards you? And that ‘kind’ can be a bit more self-interested than we sometimes like to think, so does your ‘kind’ have an agenda? Some version of ‘if I do x, the other person will do or not do y’? Again, only you know the answer to that.

Idk if you have already done so, but you might find it helpful to read some of the older stories of people who were where you are but got to the other side. To read how they struggled to work out some of what you are currently trying to work out, to see how their windows shifted with time and events, to consider the possibility that ypur own might too, that how you feel right now is normal for an awful far from normal situation, to consider what your window might be if you based it solely on the observable facts without speculating about your hopes and wishes.

But most of all, I am very very sorry.
The torture stops when you decide you’ve had enough and take steps to stop it by approaching the situation differently. But we all know how very hard and painful that can be and wish that you were not where you are. But we all also know that you will not always feel exactly how you do today and send you our biggest hugs.

[Reinventing]

Lots of great wisdom in responses here. These two particularly resonated:

I am not saying that the pain disappears, more that it is converted from the kind of suffering you feel right now to something a bit more like grief. And I’m not sure that grief ever entirely goes away, but it does soften with time to a more manageable size imho.

But we all also know that you will not always feel exactly how you do today and send you our biggest hugs.

[Pivoine]

Thank you for your advice and questions. I know I need to stop focusing on what he’s doing, analyzing what he says or doesn’t say. I also know that time is the key. My detachment is well underway, but it’s not complete. I oscillate between hope and despair. I have faith in the process because I’ve gone through the same process myself, though without infidelity. My "band-aids" were more intellectual pursuits and sports… I needed to keep my mind busy, and I mostly dealt with uncontrollable anger.

I know what he’s experiencing, even though he has crossed the line by going to live with the other woman. I know everything; I’ve read and reread about HB and HS. But the fatigue of this situation can be heavy at times.

I saw some friends again last night, and I realized that I exist without him… that’s already a big step. My social relationships have been strained by his behavior and lies, but friends are starting to notice that he lies a lot and that he’s lying to himself as well.
thanks for your support and advices.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I know I need to stop focusing on what he’s doing, analyzing what he says or doesn’t say. I also know that time is the key.

Yes, time is the key- for you! I can not speak for your H. I don't know him and he is not asking for my advice. He is on his own journey. While  MLCers provide the background story. The forum is really about your journey to recovery from the trauma he has inflicted on you.

I oscillate between hope and despair.

Well stated and completely understandable. In my situation, it was very hopeful and complete despair. However, the emotional connection of both feelings keep you from detaching. Detachment is not giving up or feelings of apathy. Instead, detachment is opening yourself up to all possible outcomes knowing that you will be fine regardless. Be open to the idea of his return, but live as if he is never coming back.

but friends are starting to notice that he lies a lot and that he’s lying to himself as well.

Yes, MLCers are very good at lying and they lie to themselves most of all.

Keep the focus on you and your health and know that you are doing very well.

(((Ready)))

[Pivoine]

I’m wondering and was hoping you could shed some light on this for me. I went through my own crisis—I’m not hiding that. So now, he’s the second one in our couple to enter the MLC process. I can’t seem to find an answer in any of the writings. Does the second spouse to fall into a crisis have a longer, more intense, or irreversible crisis?

He still holds resentment toward me. He keeps reminding me of how much he suffered during my crisis… so does that mean he’ll never forget and never forgive?

I know, I overthink things too much…

[Pivoine]

thanks for your support @readytofixmyselffirst

Sometimes I fell good, really, but  even if I trust into the process, It's a difficult road....
I'm fed up with lies.
Actually, if I’m kind, he says, “She’s being nice to make me come back.” If I set boundaries, three months later, I get a nasty remark. If I do something, it’s wrong; if I do nothing, it’s wrong too. I’m at my wit’s end with these games. He confides in a friend, criticizing the other woman, but he stays with her because they share the rent. They’re really just using each other.

And me in all this? I leave them alone, I give them space, I don’t initiate any contact with him—it’s always him who sends me messages. Sometimes I reply, sometimes I don’t. I’ve set boundaries, and I don’t see him anymore because I can’t stand witnessing his suffering or enduring his hurtful words.

I know I need to focus on myself, and I’m making progress, but I don’t know how to deal with him anymore. I’m planning to apply for a one-month mission in Mayotte, and I hope I get selected. It would give me some distance from him and help me find myself again.

Sorry for venting… just a tough down moment.

[MadLuv]

I think in life we all go through a transition, but those with more unaddressed issues go through a crisis. Each is unique to them and how long they last is unique to what they need to resolve and how willing they are to look within themselves. So, in my opinion there is no way of knowing.

My XH never took his things. I had to pack them up. Even his clothes. He also has been going through this for over 15 years. Some will never get through it.

You’re in pain because you are normal. You will heal, because you can feel this pain and you are reading and asking and researching to find your answers. That is all healthy and normal. It took me 2 years before I felt leas unhinged and 3 before I accepted where I was in total and found a way to start to move forward. Time truly is the only answer for the LBS. Sometimes I am mad about that wasted time, but in the end we have so much growth and we work on our own issues, but the biggest thing is we learn to love ourselves more and we truly do become the strongest version of ourselves.

I divorced quickly because he was willing to sign off on so much. BD to divorce final was 90 days. I figured out what I needed to survive no matter what and I asked for it.  The best thing my lawyer told me was “ if he will sign this then you will never do better. If he gets healthy and you can work things out you can always get remarried, but you will never get this deal again”

[Pivoine]

"Hello everyone, I’ve distanced myself from this forum to really think about myself.
Solitude is difficult to live with, but I am still standing. S
ome updates on my MLC (Midlife Crisis). He saw a lawyer, and I did too as a result.
His wonderful life is no longer wonderful. He says he needs to be alone to stop making everyone suffer.
He knows he won’t stay with the other person, but he stays because they share the rent, and he can’t afford to leave (a lie, one more).
My lawyer is very empathetic. She will defend my interests. He’s going to lose everything... I had to accept doing this, but in fact, these are the consequences of his actions.
He wants to buy the house to live alone... it’s his refuge... the cold shower is going to be intense, he won’t get it.
My lawyer disagrees with him kicking me out when I can buy it. He’s nostalgic for the house, our friends, the children who don’t visit him, the dog he can’t have (apparently the other person doesn’t want it in the house).
She finds him selfish, and he’s aware of it... Anyway, this story is one we know well.

I don’t know if we’ll ever reconcile. He sincerely hopes I’m okay... but it’s very hard to talk to him, he goes off in all directions, even with our friends, who can’t follow him.
I haven’t seen him since the end of December... I can’t.
We only communicate by text, that’s it.
He comes by the house from time to time to pick up things, but I don’t see him. He doesn’t enter the house; everything is in the garage.
I’m protecting myself, but I admit I don’t know if this is the right solution. However, as long as he’s with the other person, I can’t see myself talking to him.
I’m moving forward for myself. Days go by and seem the same. I continue to see the therapist. I cried a lot for three weeks. I think I’m moving forward with mourning our life together.
I keep the faith, but this trial is painful.
Thank you for your feedback."

[forthetrees]

For what it´s worth from a stranger, it appears that you have done quite a lot to help yourself- just getting a lawyer is a big step, accepting that his consequences financially are not your problem is a bigger step, having a therapist that you trust is huge, crying out the pain and then seeing the need to cry that much lessen- it´s all a sign of you making progress on YOUR healing journey. Don´t forget to look back now and again and give yourself credit for how far you´ve come since being blindsided.