[MadLuv]

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12098.150

Will it ever end?

Recently after 1 yr 8 mths of no communication via phone or text I had to email my XH. Sales of NfL tickets weren’t covering post season, so sent an email ( to avoid a conversation, but to inform only) that stated that there may be a charge coming due to this and also stated we did have one ticket not used if he wanted to go. We are to share tickets, but he has not gone since married, but he has not wanted to give up the tickets. Last lawyer communication I asked to clarify how to handle the tickets and the lawyer nor XH responded, but he continues to pay for the tickets.

I assumed the avoidant XH he has been and the vanisher he has become he would just ignore, but at least I did my part on the offer of sharing the seats as per the divorce. Well, last night I got a response and I was shocked. Then I read the response and at first I had a bit of a stomach drop as it seemed intentionally cruel to me, but then I realized that his OW/wife clearly sent it.  We had agreed on our divorce to go to one game a year as family and that clearly will never happen, but the response was

My email

Xh,
S32 wants to go to the playoffs this year. We have not been going. I have transferred ticket sales and it covers the divisional game, but there will be a $422 charge if they go to the championship game. If you would like to go to either game we have kept a game ticket open for you, but if I don’t hear from you I will sell your ticket and credit the account.

Madluv

Reaponse from him ( but definitely her)

No, because if I decided to go, I would need another ticket to take my wife with me.

First, my XH cant spell and he definitely does not use commas. Second, it’s about her. Not about him spending time with his son.  I don’t know if she responded without him knowing or if he knows. I would not put it past him to delete the email from me and for her to find it and respond, but what I do know is that she definitely is in control and does not care at all about him connecting with his kids.
 Obviously, the game is next week. He never asked for tickets and now plane tickets, hotels are booked. If he wanted to go with his son I would absolutely give up the game for him to go with his son as he hasn’t seen him in 3 years.

I know I need to cover myself legally so it doesn’t look like I am not sharing tickets he is entitled to, but I also don't want to get sucked into any drama.  S32 would NEVER go to a game with her or spend any time with her and he knows it, so this is definitely her.

Open to any suggestions from anyone that can view this from the outside on how to respond. I thought about just responding with a screen print that I put the ticket up for sale, but I feel I need to address that the response is that he “cant” basically go because he isn’t being given the 2 tickets

Any advise???

[Treasur]

I really think you don’t.
You offered a ticket. He (?) said No. So you sell it as you said you would and credit the account.

His reasons for the No are not your concern.
If he allows ow to answer emails for him, also not your concern. (Well, other than it might affect how/if you email him in future)
And his choice, or not, to spend time with his son is also not your concern. (Even if it causes you some concern for your son if that makes sense, but to be fair, they are both adults and entirely capable of spending time with each other without an NFL game if they wish to do so)

Your query was asked and answered, and is now documented to cover your legal obligations.

Imho you were fired from the job of being concerned about any of the rest of it. But, after decades of being the family facilitator, it can take a while to lay down some of those old responsibilities if only in your head perhaps? But it’s ok to do so.

[marvin4242]

Sorry I am a bit confused. You asked a question, you received an answer. I mean this with all respect but it's not your job nor your place to interpret or guess who it came from, why, or analyze grammar. That seems to imply you are still a bit on the hook (as Treasur also said). And I am guessing the legal agreement has no clause about his right applying based on who he wants to take (son, wife, girlfriend, random stranger), right?

I am personally confused about what no means, no don't sell the ticket, or sell it. But if you think you know which it is it doesn't matter who it came from. If it is his right then the action, analysis and thought should stop there.

[forthetrees]

Not your circus, not your monkeys. I would interpret the "no" as he´s not interested in the ticket. Go ahead and sell it. If you respond she will know that you are still in their drama. You have worked far too hard and for far too long to get tangled in her tentacles. The Yiddish phrase for this sounds like "lazan meyle" which I take to mean, "God, let it go." It´s not worth your time or effort.

[MadLuv]

Thank you treasur,  marvin and fortthetrees

His, No because you’re not giving me enough tickets is what was the concern. For me. Since I said we held a ticket for you.

I am the account holder of the tickets. We have 5. So, he can’t go without asking me and me sending him the tickets. I haven’t messaged him in a year, even on business nor a convo on phone in almost 2 years. I think I was concerned because we are to share the tickets. He hasn’t asked at all for any and I stopped asking him, but since there was money due this year  on the post season I gave him the heads up on the charge. I did not expect a reply , so was just stating that it appears to be her, because he would not reply. Why now? He has ignored all business communication for 2 years.

 So, the change had me concerned that maybe legally the response was that I was not giving him the ability to go with his share of the tickets. We fortunately and unfortunately have many financial agreements for the rest of our lives and I am always trying to protect those. I get nervous when there is a change.  His OW/Wife is very materialistic and greedy. Who knows when she will try and enforce some financial changes.

I have stepped back for several hours and decided not to reply. He knows when games are happening and can ask me for the tickets . I tried to be considerate, but I just don’t want to play the game. I agree. I have worked to hard to be sucked back in. He knows if he wants to go I would give him tickets, but not after we have made plans 1 week before a game he didn’t ask to go to.

In the beginning it was nice that I asked and he agreed to so much, but I also hate that it keeps me tied and a little on edge on when it may still implode on me. If that makes sense.

[marvin4242]

In the beginning it was nice that I asked and he agreed to so much, but I also hate that it keeps me tied and a little on edge on when it may still implode on me. If that makes sense.

Thanks for clarifications, and that is completely understandable. Fortunately you have the solution in your hands: constantly work to not get roped in, triggered, pulled in, etc. You already have the perfect solution: have him ask for tickets and if he doesn't ask you can assume he doesn't want it.

It took me a while to stop worrying, planning or sometimes even caring about my Ws actions and motivations. But the more I just let things stand at face value the easier it was to detach.

[OffRoad]

In general, what everyone said. Asked, answered done.

However, what does "share" the tickets mean? If you have five, how many is he entitled to? One? Half? Three one year and two the next? This matters in the equation of should you do something different next year or not.

[MadLuv]

Offroad- exactly. We have 5 tickets and we are to share equally. However, every year I asked and he declined ( I assume out of shame) 2 years ago I had the issue of his not responding anymore after I found proof of him cheating as far back as 2010. I told him that we were not friends and he had not been for a long time. I told him that when he decided to be accountable ( because even with proof he said he didn’t believe was I was telling him ) and reengage with his kids and leave his wife then I would consider a friendship. I didn't see any friendship until then.

So, after that when I had to message him on business he stopped responding. He withholds communication as punishment. I had to take him to small claims court because his cc expired on the account last year and he refused to answer me. So, that was a year ago on last years games. I have not contacted him since, even though I had things I needed him to resolve.  This whole season has gone by and he has not asked for any. The post season he would have already needed to, but when I messaged him on the balance due I offered the 1 ticket we weren't using and that was the reply.

I still firmly believe it was her. He is just an extreme avoidant. I don't think after him not communicating for almost 2 years would he answer on that. What I was concerned with was covering myself legally. Answering back that

Respectfully, no tickets have been requested

Then leave it at that to cover myself legally. I do have him on recording stating he couldn't go to any games last year and we should go and enjoy and if we couldnt sell them. I think his wife wants to go, but I feel he is making excuses why he cant, because he hasn’t seen his kids in 3 years and the hames are our family history. He knows that would be the nail in the coffin with his kids and like I said, S32 is not going with her and he knows it .

He has to be a father without her. He has cant force a relationship they don't want. His wife only cares about her and her kids and I think she doesn’t want him reconnecting with his kids.

So, that why I thought I should respond with the simple response that if he had considered going he would have had to request tickets and I got no request.

*** so we go to half the games and I sell the other half that are his and credit the account. Thats not in the divorce. I do it to be fair. Playoffs however it would be splitting seats. I dont think I can sit with OW, but I would if I had to. Thats why the response was ridiculous, because no way does he want us face to face.

*** and, I have offered that we change our seats and split them into 2 and 3 in different locations so that this isnt a problem, but he didn’t want to do that. I also offered to completely take over the tickets and let him out and he also did not want to do that. That id why I think this is her responding.  Specially, since the email response is all about her going and not him responding at all about his son. It’s just not him. He does cruel and avoidant behavior covertly. He never ever mentions her to me and never refers to her as her wife.  So, like Treasur was stating. If it is her I am not feeling so safe communicating through that email anymore.

[OffRoad]

IMO, and take it as such, staying connected with something like this becomes an insane thing to do. If all you do is ask every year "Do you want any of the tickets" and are OK with either answer and can let it go, then fine. No drama. But unless you are capable of sitting with them both, or you are OK with them using two tickets and then no one who wants to hang with her wants to go,  the tickets should be divided to two separate areas. Period. You can trade who get 2 or three each year.

Doesn't matter who responded. Really it just doesn't. "Do you want ticket or tickets?" No, cool. Yes, cool. But if he is entitled to two, he should get two. Then everyone has to decide if anyone wants to sit with them.If each person in the family is entitled to one, then so be that.

Me? I'd take it to court to get full custody of said tickets, but that's me. If I've learned anything it's that staying linked makes it much harder to properly move forward.

JMO,  your mileage may vary. Heck, I'm no longer linked except by kids and I got decent home made peanut brittle for Christmas. Cool. I sent a Thank You back with children. Done. When I don't get any next year, won't care. It's very freeing. As a perspective.

[MadLuv]

Offroad-Oh, I agree and I have gave all those ideas. I am not working and broke my back and honestly don't need the expense of the games. The shame seems to be keeping him away. I think the only game issues are the playoffs. Other wise we are at different games if he chooses to go, but yes…. I stopped asking , because I’m not his mother and he wasn’t replying. I guess small claims court has them replying. His attorney nor him ever replied to my different suggestions on resolving the tickets. His attorney just said, if it makes you feel any better he doesn’t want to change anything he agreed to.

After consulting with higher powers I emailed him or them ( as you said I guess who cares)

Respectfully, no tickets had been requested. I put the ticket now up for sale, but with temps low it will be a hard sell if at all.

If you want to go to the championship game there are 3 tickets available. S32 and I are going. We have already booked flights, room and car, so it is to late for us to cancel.

I have offered and I’m done with it. I have a feeling he may request some next year and maybe that will get all this in some normalcy. I do think that I will print the schedule next year with the games available to him and send them by mail and have him check what games he wants and how he wants the tickets. To be honest the games are family and it was the one thing he hadn’t tainted by taking her and her girls. I wanted one thing that wasn’t tainted, but at this point I just dont care . I just want peace and not to deal with the insanity!!