[Nas]

I’m glad you got through the holidays and I’m happy to hear you are close to reaching a settlement. Hopefully once the settlement is in place, you will be able to breathe a little easier knowing that it’s one less thing to deal with.

Sending all good vibes for your mom too.
xx

[MomOfSteel]

ML, xyz, and Nas thank you.  I do need to get back to walking more.  I did it constantly last year but with our schedule change at the start of school I haven’t gotten in a habit of it being at a certain time.  Im glad to know I’m not the only one that hopes the karma bus whacks him.  Hopefully the settlement is signed soon.  It will be a relief. 

Just some more journaling…

H called from a trip where he apparently is at OW family reunion and while there met up with some old friends of ours.  I know I shouldn’t, but I feel betrayed that these friends would want to hang out with him and the homewrecker.  I feel like it just brought up all those feelings of betrayal and feel like it sends him the message that what he did was okay.  I talked to my best friend about this.  Her dad had a MLC and abandoned them.  She said even after all these years she still feels that way when people see her dad and act like it is okay. 

I’ve been meeting with a parenting coach to try and help deal with some of the behavioral issues this whole thing has created.  I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m slogging uphill in mud everyday trying to deal with everything. 

My to do list is so long I’m completely overwhelmed.  I’m tired.  I’m sad.  I’m lonely. 

[JohnnyBravo]

I hear ya, MoS. It's a long slog.

[Dragonfly33]

MoS I just wanted to tell you that after almost 4 years since BD there are still moments where I wish my xh would be run over by the so called Karma Bus. Most of the days I don’t care anymore what he does. And regarding our common friends that somehow consented to what he did, and even at some point encouraged him, I cut them from my life. I had one friend who continued to call me and still wanted to be friends with me but this friend was the same friend who encouraged my ex to prioritize his addiction with triathlon and who insensitively told me it was right for my H to be with another woman because I kicked him out. I told my family to unfriend her and I don’t feel guilty about it. What I’m trying to say that it is normal to feel betrayed by those friends. The feeling of being exhausted is also normal. Uou’ve been fighting on all fronts and at some point we will feel the exhaustion. But this is temporary, that I can tell you. I’ve been exhausted so many times and even on the brink of giving up. What I did was, I went on a holiday far away from home and it helped me a lot. It felt like reloading my energy. Perhaps you can go on a trip somewhere. Just to change the scenery. You’ll be surprised how helpful it is.

[MomOfSteel]

Just some random thoughts...

I feel like I have been just processing lately.  It's like my mind has decided I'm finally able to let myself feel some of this pain it was trying to keep from me early on. I feel like I'm in a cycle where I will feel good, will have some realizations about H and all the garbage and have to deal with the grief caused by that.  Where at first I really struggled feeling angry, anger is around a lot lately.  As I realize the unfairness, the emotional abuse that accompanies MLC or betrayal and abandonment I am angry. 

I had a day full of running from thing to thing to get everything done for the kids.  I really could have used another adult.  I found myself trying to hold back tears in an auditorium full of adults and middle school students because I should have had support, my children should have had support. I'm tired and worn out.  His parenting time is during one of my children's birthdays for the second year in a row.  I'm missing these things and it wasn't my choice.  It was his choice to do this.  I hate what he has done.  I miss companionship and support but I wish I never had to see or hear from or about him again.  I had to listen to my daughter say how she hates Christmas now because it will never be the same.  I try as hard as I can but I can never make up for that relationship he so carelessly severed.  I'm sick of having to listen as my kids come home and talk about his other woman.  I want cracks in that relationship, I want it to fail, I want him to hurt and realize we were worth something after all.  I don't think he ever will.  I want him to realize we had worth because right now, I don't see it myself.  If he could see it again, maybe I could see my own worth again too. 

[Nas]

I want him to realize we had worth because right now, I don't see it myself.  If he could see it again, maybe I could see my own worth again too.

I'm sorry, MOS, it's so hard. I know you're just venting, and I can totally see where the above statement might feel true sometimes, or a lot of the time right now, but it's actually quite the opposite.  Your worth is not dependent on him, and you're actually kicking ass on your own right now. (He's not, he needed an OW because he's too weak to be on his own - sorry, that's snide, but also true.)  As you work through things and begin to see your own worth again, it won't matter if he sees it. 
Hang in there...

[MomOfSteel]

Nas, thank you.  I know intellectually I have worth, emotionally that’s a much harder sell most days.  My therapist had me do an exercise where I listed all the ways I had worth.  As I listed things, every way I listed was in relation to what I provided someone else, what I could do for other people.  I still am really struggling with seeing my inherent worth as a human being.  I guess even before all of this MLC nonsense it is something I have always struggled with.  I’ve always found my own worth through others valuing (or not valuing me).  I recognize the problem but I’m not sure how to solve that problem. 

We still don’t have a signed MSA although hopefully that is not too far off.  I’m struggling with my teenager not really taking any pride in himself.  He doesn’t care about his grades, his behavior, pretty much anything.  I’m really worried his apathy will have long term consequences for him.  He also seems to blame his dads extensive education for the situation we are in so he doesn’t want to even go to college.  I worry he will limit himself if he can’t try a little. 

[Treasur]

A couple of ideas in case they are useful.....?

On self-value.
First of all, you are not alone in that feeling. Some of it seems to me to be normal. We humans are hard-wired for connection in little tribes where our existence and role we play is seen and heard by others. Most of us perceive ourselves to some extent through the eyes of others and would find living alone on an island hard, right? Some of us, and a lot of women are socially conditioned this way I think, have grown up with messages about being ‘good girls’ who do things for others.
On top of that, life just gave you a big message that someone close to you for decades, a relationship you invested in, does not value you or any of the things you have done, created or feel very much at all. That’s a big old punch in the gut that takes a fair bit of time to unpick imho.
So, please be fair to yourself about these feelings.....

On a practical note, two thoughts. One is to focus your eye more on all the many ways other humans show they value you. Look for evidence of that, enjoy that, do more things that let you feel that. The name of the game is therefore more about unpicking your sense of value from one human, your Stbxh, and seeing how it exists with others. More about breaking the mental link that his valuation matters as much as it once did, if that makes sense. Bit by bit.

The other idea - bc in a way this is like training your brain  - is to find something to do that is by nature more about how you value it, something you do which might not even be very visible to others, where their valuation doesn’t matter but yours does.....learning a new language, making a garden, running a mile, taking up yoga, sewing a quilt. Something that doesn’t need others and that pleases you, whatever it is that floats your boat. And journaling can help, a little ‘here’s what I am pleased about with myself today’ book  .....sometimes we just have to teach our brain to notice things consciously for a little while.

[forthetrees]

Re: value. Sometimes it helps to look at it through a different lens. Does an infant have value even though it cannot do for others? Does an infirm person? An elderly person? If you think that these people have value just by the inherent value of being living humans, then of course you do as well. Society puts a lot of value on doing vs. being. What if you wrote the list as only things that you are and not what you do? There is only one of you and there will never be another, your uniqueness alone has great value.

I have had great success with positive affirmations that I repeat to myself in my head while falling asleep. I time the affirmation to my breathing to have slow deep breaths. This alone puts you into the parasympathetic pathway and the positive thoughts block the negative thoughts from entering. The affirmation that helped me get out of the depths was "I am good, I am kind, I am important." (All of those are being not doing sentences:)) Basically you need to be your own cheerleader for a while.

[MomOfSteel]

Treasure, FTT, and Nas, you are all right of course.  I am venting my frustration as I feel like this is one of the only places I can be understood and people understand that even after a year the damage remains, the triggers remain and the damage was so immense it isn't just a get over it type of thing.  I do need to focus more on my own worth.  I think sometimes that if I could completely remove stbxh from my life completely that would be a little easier.  I mean, he is still devaluing me and causing damage. 

Some journaling,

The last couple weeks were a little rough here.  My mom had her cancer surgery which luckily went well and her margins were clean and lymph nodes were clear.  I was worried though and am having a hard time not being able to go help her.  I feel like as they age it is really hard to not be close geographically to them. 

The stbxh and the OW took the kids for a long weekend on a little trip.  I was looking forward to relaxing and getting some cleaning and other things done.  Mostly though I was a crying wreck the whole time.  I guess I just needed my kids to be gone so I could fall apart.  I tried to just do what it felt like my body needed and didn't really get much done.  It was fine until I got a phone call wanting me to punish my son, who wasn't with me when he got home for being disrespectful and not doing as he was told.  Well, it would be one thing if I agreed with the punishment as reasonable, it was another because I didn't.  It was way to harsh for a tired, cranky small boy who has a lot of hurt and anger from what has gone on.  I tried to set a boundary and well, I'm sure you can all imagine how well that worked out.  I was called back and told how I am a leech and that's all I will ever be, that I wouldn't have had a career even if I hadn't quit my training because the real me was just lazy and my only goal in life was to live off of him.  I will also never be backed up in my own parenting decisions and was told I was meddling when I tried to talk to my son to figure out how he was doing.  I was meddling even though stbxh was the one that involved me in the first place.  It is morally wrong to talk to my kids apparently.... and on and on and on.  I waited for him to calm down for a couple hours and told him he would have to find a way to enforce his punishment, that while I want to have a good coparenting relationship, I can not be expected to exact a punishment that he didn't consult with me on beforehand.  During this time, my kid screamed at his dad that he was a horrible person who cheated on his mom with some B&($%.  My other kid said that when this kid walked away the comment was made by the other woman that it would be hard to be 10 and not know the truth.  For some reason this really bugs me.  It's been bugging me since my kid told me.  Sometimes I wish my kids didn't tell me this stuff but I want them to know they can talk to me about anything.  I guess it just makes me wonder what stbxh has told her about me, how she justifies what she has played a part in.  Its also triggering because it feels gaslighty to me even though it wasn't said to me.  I'm so tired of people telling my my truth is unreasonable or wrong.  I also feel like even though I know my a-hole husband is in the midst of the tunnel, he likely has lied to himself so much that he will always believe those lies.  It hurts and it makes me wonder some day what he will tell our kids, what monster he will make me out to be.  I hate the OW, she has no idea what the truth of our marriage was.  She was not there.  Maybe my perception was much different than my husband's but she wasn't there.  He is of course the victim in all of this.  Oh, and also because he said he didn't physically touch her before separation he didn't cheat.  Who knows if he did or didn't but emotional affairs are still affairs in my book.  This just makes me so tired.  I spent most of yesterday bawling because of how I am viewed.  Disapproval feels so hard to brush off, likely because of my own anxious attachments and childhood issues.  I am so sick of his rejection bothering me to the extent that it does. 

I'm going to start EMDR in a couple weeks and am hoping that it helps add another layer of relief to the normal talk therapy and meds that I am on.  I long to feel healthy and happy and like I am back to myself and not always wading through the muck and mud to get anywhere.