[titleholder]

Sooo I haven’t been on here for a while. After my last post and some of the responses something broke inside of me and I decided to take a step back. I want to state that I’m very much aware of the depression my xH is batteling and I treat him with much more kindness than he deserves. But the moment he does something that affects my D2 I’m holding him accountable and I don’t see that as something ‘unhealthy’ in my sense of self or something I have to figure out. I’m a mother and I’ll stick up for my D2 no matter what! It’s my obligation to her and since my xH decided to divorce that loyalty in regards to him is non-existent. I appreciate all your insights here on HS, I really do. But on topics concerning my D2 I really want to ask you to threat lightly, thank you :-)

For the ones who don’t know my story. My xH (at that time 33) DB me in april of 2022. We were together for 15 years, married for 4 years and our D was 1 years old at that moment. He stated that he wanted an open relationship, that there was an OW who he was in love with (total affair down) and that he missed out on living on his own, doing drugs, sleeping with other women and living without responsibilities. He said that he has always pleased others, that he lived with a mask on his entire life, that he didn’t know who he was, that he’s a chameleon and that the last 15 years with me were a complete lie.

My xH was (and is) struggling with his role as a father. He’s always been someone who had difficulty growing up and as for pleasing others, my xH alway was very focused on his own needs and personal space. I've been the go-getter in this relationship. It’s something I’ve always accepted and I loved my xH very much, but it’s something I see clearly in hindsight now. He’s been way to dependend on me (and still tries to be)

I’ve had coaching sessions with Kendra-Ruth where she stated that she believed that my xH wasn’t in MLC but never really created a stable identity en is now in a state of diffusion. The things I read on HS are really one-on-one with the things my xH says ands does, so identity diffusion or not; the scripts he’s using is very real.

In june of 2022 I had a severe panic attack because of my xH behaviour (drinking, keeping contact with different OW’s, not sleeping, running out of the house and the complete lack of affection and regard for my feelings). He wasn’t really taking responsibility in taking care of our D2 and at that moment I realised that if I let my xH continu this way I would be completely ruined and who would my D2 have to fall back on? So I stated a firm boundary that I wasn’t going to live in the same house if he wouldn’t stop contact with OW and decided to work on our marriage. You can guess it, he immediately left.

We started relationship therapy in july 2022 but this was severly traumatising. xH monstered, stated all the things I did wrong in the relationship and wasn’t invested in saving our marriage . Next tot he relationship therapy we planned family outings which were fun, but my xH constantly taunted me with the need to sleep with other women and that our marriage was standing in the way of this.

In september 2022 I’ve had enough. I wasn’t going to be treated this way and I prepared a battleplan that when we would divorce I would get the things that were most important to me: the biggest chunk of custody of my D and owning the home we bought. So I pushed my xH into a commitment which I already knew he wasn't going to make and that ended in him wanting a divorce. I pushed the divorce through very quickly and got the things I wanted: my home and 70% of the custody of my D!

Looking back I don’t think I made the best decision for standing, but I think I absolutely made the best decision in creating a safe environment for my D (and for me). I really feel for my xH but you don’t threat your partner of 15 years and the mother of your childeren the way he has.

Since then my xH has spiralled down pushing away all our long term friends and family who have morals (the ones without morals are the ones he kept) changed jobs, dived in deep with OW doing drugs en going to techno-party’s and regularly lacking responsibilities regarding our D. He looks terrible, but I don't think he's even close to rock-bottom.

Untill december 2022 I was holding on to standing, but after another fruitless conversation with xH I stopped my stand. I decided to go on an dating app just to see what was out there and also as a way to detach myself from my xH. After a couple of days I met a lovely guy who I’ve been completely honest with about my situation and we’re still dating. It isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. We’re both single parents (he has a 50/50 custody) and have our bagage from our past. So sometimes there is friction but we both have the intention to talk everything out, listen to eachothers feelings and emotions and evolve from that. I’ve recently learned that he has been battling with depression his whole life (after what has happened with my xH this scared me very much) but he’s had intensive (schema) therapy and I see that he’s capable using the tools he learned in therapy in daily life. He's really focused on his son and you can see that this is the most important thing in his life. We both want the same things in life and share the importance of family.

If you told me 1,5 years ago that this would be my life right now I wouldn’t have believed it. But I’ve overcome so much and I’m super proud of myself! My life right now isn’t the life I pictured and that’s the thing I’ve been mourning still.. But when I live day to day I can say that there is a lot in my life that I’m thankfull for. I can truely say that me and my D2 are ok and that we’ll have a great life, no matter what my xH does or says.

I really debated on coming back here, but HS has brought me so much and I know that any story of a forward moving spouse is helpfull.

Old topic:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11939.0

[Treasur]

Thank you for coming back to share the story of your own progress.

Did you think that people would be negative about your decision to focus on saving yourself and your little one with a divorce? Please don’t be…..it sounds healthy and wise to me to ensure you protect the things that matter most to you. Your xh will either dig himself out of his own hole or he won’t…. You’re standing or not will make no difference to that.

To be honest, a lot of LBS end up having to file for divorce to protect themselves and/or their kids. Imho, and it is just my opinion, I think the choice to stand can depend on the circumstances of specific situations just as much as one’s values. And who on earth could blame you for putting your girl first?

Congratulations on surviving the s$itshow and I wish you fair winds with your new life!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Sooo I haven’t been on here for a while. After my last post and some of the responses something broke inside of me and I decided to take a step back. I want to state that I’m very much aware of the depression my xH is batteling and I treat him with much more kindness than he deserves. But the moment he does something that affects my D2 I’m holding him accountable and I don’t see that as something ‘unhealthy’ in my sense of self or something I have to figure out. I’m a mother and I’ll stick up for my D2 no matter what! It’s my obligation to her and since my xH decided to divorce that loyalty in regards to him is non-existent. I appreciate all your insights here on HS, I really do. But on topics concerning my D2 I really want to ask you to threat lightly, thank you :-)

First of all, I am sorry that in anyway you felt mistreated especially concerning that you have a baby and dealing with his crisis as well. As bad as my ex was at the end, I can state that while our babies were young, she was very good and did her best to make a great home for our children. Your ex is missing out on so much. My brother-in-law just had a baby and every weekend, he brings him over and we all just adore him. Every week there is something new. Your h is missing out on that.

As far as birthday's go, he's missing out. I remember when my oldest was young and it was close to my birthday. She and my ex came home from shopping and I asked her if she had a good time shopping. She blurted out, "It was great, we bought you a pair of pants for your birthday and it's a secret." She looked at me and said, "I wasn't supposed to say that." I gave her a hug and told her it didn't matter at all. Great moment and great memory. He is not going to have that.

We don't know your story, we don't know the words and commitments he made to you in regards to having a child. I know it was my dream of raising our children as a family filled with love and support. So when all of this happened, it really sent you for a wild ride. Babies are hard, hard work and then to discover that the father didn't want to be a father and feels he missed out on the wonders of sleeping around and doing drugs. Wow.

I really like the part of living without responsibilities- that passed when you were living at home buddy.

I’ve had coaching sessions with Kendra-Ruth where she stated that she believed that my xH wasn’t in MLC but never really created a stable identity en is now in a state of diffusion.

My opinion is that throughout our lives, we transition many times adolescent, young adulthood, mid life, old age. While most of us transition through these periods successfully, many of us do not. Instead they go through a severe crisis of identity. Your ex had had that crisis and may have another crisis down the road. In the end, your exh is deep in his tunnel and it is anyone's guess what is going to come out of that tunnel in the end.

Looking back I don’t think I made the best decision for standing, but I think I absolutely made the best decision in creating a safe environment for my D (and for me).

From my perspective, you did a great job of standing. We all live forward and understand backwards. You took the time to try and save your h and your marriage. Now you can look back without any regrets. You don't have to worry thinking, "Did I try my best?" "Did I rush into the divorce?" You won't have those thoughts or worries. Standing not only gives you time to consider your commitments but it gives you the time to heal and make decisions from a point of strength and soundness. Instead of reacting, you are responding. Big difference.

After a couple of days I met a lovely guy who I’ve been completely honest with about my situation and we’re still dating. It isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

Good for you and it is all good because in your current situation, with your ex and your baby, you are the only adult in the room. You make decisions as the adult and that's fine. In the end, I know what you choose will always be for the best for your child and that is what matters most.

Don't be a stranger and keep letting us know how you are doing. Just know that the people at this site are some of the most caring people I have ever met and have helped so many people (me included). Even if we disagree, just know that their intent is to support you with your best interests in mind.

Have a super day,

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

Going through this with a baby when you are just starting out your family life has to be extremely difficult. My XH left after 30 years and like you I divorced him quickly to protect my finances. I also thought it best for our kids. I like you have stood up and spoke my mind about my XH treatment of his kids and GS. It is the mama bear in us and I dont care what age your kids are. It hurts when anyone hurts your kids and the two people that should be able to depend to not do that is your parents.

I also know that it is pointless to have these conversations as they are not mentally or emotionally mature enough for it to do any good, so if anyone advised you against saying or having those conversations I assume that is where they were coming from. With that said…. Sometimes you do have to do what you have to do. Everything cant be about biting your tongue because that will hurt your chances of their return. Sometimes being nice when you want to rip every hair out of their head just goes against the natural response. What I have learned however is fighting that urge as much as possible brings so much growth and peace and YES detachment.

You do what you have to do at any given moment to move forward. Anything said here is just suggestions from others that have been where your are. Every situation is different. We have to find our own path. Sounds like you are doing just that.

[titleholder]

Did you think that people would be negative about your decision to focus on saving yourself and your little one with a divorce? Please don’t be…..it sounds healthy and wise to me to ensure you protect the things that matter most to you. Your xh will either dig himself out of his own hole or he won’t…. You’re standing or not will make no difference to that.

To be honest, a lot of LBS end up having to file for divorce to protect themselves and/or their kids. Imho, and it is just my opinion, I think the choice to stand can depend on the circumstances of specific situations just as much as one’s values. And who on earth could blame you for putting your girl first?

Congratulations on surviving the s$itshow and I wish you fair winds with your new life!

Thank you Treasur! You're right, sometimes I've the tendency to defend myself for my divorce, but I know I did everything that I could (and accepted far more abuse then necessary) in order to save my marriage and family.

[titleholder]

First of all, I am sorry that in anyway you felt mistreated especially concerning that you have a baby and dealing with his crisis as well. As bad as my ex was at the end, I can state that while our babies were young, she was very good and did her best to make a great home for our children. Your ex is missing out on so much. My brother-in-law just had a baby and every weekend, he brings him over and we all just adore him. Every week there is something new. Your h is missing out on that.

As far as birthday's go, he's missing out. I remember when my oldest was young and it was close to my birthday. She and my ex came home from shopping and I asked her if she had a good time shopping. She blurted out, "It was great, we bought you a pair of pants for your birthday and it's a secret." She looked at me and said, "I wasn't supposed to say that." I gave her a hug and told her it didn't matter at all. Great moment and great memory. He is not going to have that.

Yes, it's so incredibly sad that he doesn't see the meaning in any of it.. He's missing out on such a big chunk of his D life and I keep having to remind him (and pick fights) about all the important days. Last week we had a 'wonderfull' fight about fathers day, you can guess it; he had something more imporant to do.

I always love your stories about you and your family Ready, it's clear that you are a family-man!

We don't know your story, we don't know the words and commitments he made to you in regards to having a child. I know it was my dream of raising our children as a family filled with love and support. So when all of this happened, it really sent you for a wild ride. Babies are hard, hard work and then to discover that the father didn't want to be a father and feels he missed out on the wonders of sleeping around and doing drugs. Wow.

I really like the part of living without responsibilities- that passed when you were living at home buddy.

He was the one who initiated on starting a family. We tried for more then a year to get pregnant so it wasn't an accident. I had a very traumatic labor and a lot of medical problems post-partum so the first years wasn't rainbows and sunshine for the both of us. I saw him struggling with his father role, but this was also something we talked about. I always thought this is something we've to overcome together and a lot of guys don't particurlarly like the first (baby) year. He really wanted to be a father, but it probably wasn't what he had pictured in his mind and instead of finding help he found OW. He's now doing the exact opposite of his life with me and our D. He chose not to fight for his family but to run for the hills.

My opinion is that throughout our lives, we transition many times adolescent, young adulthood, mid life, old age. While most of us transition through these periods successfully, many of us do not. Instead they go through a severe crisis of identity. Your ex had had that crisis and may have another crisis down the road. In the end, your exh is deep in his tunnel and it is anyone's guess what is going to come out of that tunnel in the end.

So I agree with this totally!

From my perspective, you did a great job of standing. We all live forward and understand backwards. You took the time to try and save your h and your marriage. Now you can look back without any regrets. You don't have to worry thinking, "Did I try my best?" "Did I rush into the divorce?" You won't have those thoughts or worries. Standing not only gives you time to consider your commitments but it gives you the time to heal and make decisions from a point of strength and soundness. Instead of reacting, you are responding. Big difference.

Thank your Ready for your kind words, they really help me! Thank you for all the times your responded on my post or send me a DM, you've really been a life-saver!

Wish you all the best! Enjoy your family and we'll keep in touch!

[titleholder]

Going through this with a baby when you are just starting out your family life has to be extremely difficult. My XH left after 30 years and like you I divorced him quickly to protect my finances. I also thought it best for our kids. I like you have stood up and spoke my mind about my XH treatment of his kids and GS. It is the mama bear in us and I dont care what age your kids are. It hurts when anyone hurts your kids and the two people that should be able to depend to not do that is your parents.

I also know that it is pointless to have these conversations as they are not mentally or emotionally mature enough for it to do any good, so if anyone advised you against saying or having those conversations I assume that is where they were coming from. With that said…. Sometimes you do have to do what you have to do. Everything cant be about biting your tongue because that will hurt your chances of their return. Sometimes being nice when you want to rip every hair out of their head just goes against the natural response. What I have learned however is fighting that urge as much as possible brings so much growth and peace and YES detachment.

You do what you have to do at any given moment to move forward. Anything said here is just suggestions from others that have been where your are. Every situation is different. We have to find our own path. Sounds like you are doing just that.

Thank your MadLuv! I've always had the feeling we are pretty on the same page with how we look at the crisis and how we deal with it! We have that mamma bear inside of us yes 

[Curiosity]

Thank you for coming back and updating your story! Success isn’t defined by the status of your relationship with the MLCer - success is about you learning to take care of yourself (and kids, for those who have them) and learning that you are deserving of peace and happiness in your life, and you are capable of creating those things for yourself. And there will always be ups and downs but it’s about giving yourself room to succeed, and room to learn how to be better when those lessons present themselves. And for what it’s worth, your story sounds like a resounding success to me (not that anyone in the world has the right to judge you).

[titleholder]

Thank you for coming back and updating your story! Success isn’t defined by the status of your relationship with the MLCer - success is about you learning to take care of yourself (and kids, for those who have them) and learning that you are deserving of peace and happiness in your life, and you are capable of creating those things for yourself. And there will always be ups and downs but it’s about giving yourself room to succeed, and room to learn how to be better when those lessons present themselves. And for what it’s worth, your story sounds like a resounding success to me (not that anyone in the world has the right to judge you).

Thank you for your kind words! They mean a lot! 

[titleholder]

I’ve had an in depth conversation with my xH last week. His mother went to a therapy session with him and she confronted him with the fact that he treated me like trash, his anger and that if we didn’t had D2 I wouldn’t have any contact with him. That remark hit home and my xH stated to his mom that he felt sick and that he wondered ‘am I a monster?’

He texted me directly that he wanted to talk to me about these topics. He said that his anger is wrapped up in guilt and shame and that the reason he treats me like this is because he’s deadly ashamed for what he put ‘us’ through. That the more therapy he has the more ‘$h!te’ keeps coming up and that he’s a massive conflict avoider. So wow, that’s some movement in the tunnel.

He also talks about his disturbed view of sexuality and that sex is something dirty for him and he knows that is firetruckedup. He totally disconnected me from sex and desires and that he questions his ability to attach to anyone in a healthy way.

He could see these topics as something we could’ve been working on together, but for him it’s still an excuse to run away.

He stopped drinking, smoking and doing drugs (he said they weren’t much fun anyway). OW is still very much in his life and what I’ve heard that relationship is certainly not an healthy one..

So from my POV he’s beginning to look in the mirror but still has a looong way to go! I mostly listened, validated and tweaked his story here and there.

Onwards!