[MourningDove]

Keeping with my music theme for titles, this one seems rather appropriate for me at this point in my journey.

I must admit had I heard this song, "Found You" by Kane Brown, many months ago, earlier in the MLC journey, it would have been something I would have pushed skip on my playlist. It might have sent me into a tailspin.

It is not even the overall context of the song that resonates at this point. It is that particular line in the lyrics. It applies to so much that has gone on in my life. The end of my marriage was only part of how much life has changed. D's graduation last weekend really punctuated how many things have changed. It is her finish line for her undergraduate and it is the beginning of a new thing for her and for me.

Those moments at the "finish line" don't just magically make you feel relief nor can you always see the path ahead. It has been so often, at least for me, where I seem to realize something has ended and I stand there not knowing how to always feel. Sometimes there has been fear. Sometimes there has been sadness. Sometimes happiness. Sometimes a whole ball of emotions. It takes time to really figure out what I am feeling or what the next move is. It often is after time passes when I look back and even realize I crossed a finish line at all. That was certainly the case in the MLC aspect.

I once was told by one of the other members of HS over and over again, that I would know if I was done standing, but it wouldn't be some moment where I would magically recognize it. If I was done, most likely I would only know in hindsight. This was something she told me when I would proclaim in exasperation "I am done" and she would laugh at me, in a very caring way, full well knowing that is not how it worked. She often would tell me I wasn't done. Man, she made me so mad sometimes with that statement. LOL. She was right. It was only after months of working through the emotions and slowly figuring out what I could handle at that time.

It was hard admitting I was done standing. I am not going to lie. I felt like a failure so many times. It didn't help that there were handful of those who would tell me I must not have loved my Xh enough. Or those who liked to jump on and say things like they never liked him anyways. None of that input helped. Most of the time those types of comments came from people who truly didn't really know me or my Xh at all, at least not well.

There was the feeling of failure I put on myself. Guilt that arose from being someone who really believes so very strongly in commitments. I had come from a long line of people in my life that modeled long, happy marriages that worked through the tough times, together. That was the part that took me a long time to get through my thick skull. It eventually takes both partners to reconnect. To want to work on the marriage. My Xh didn't want to work on himself, much less a marriage he was running from.

The difference also was it was not just the marriage in my case that he ran from. He ditched a life he had established. Leaving behind the kids, especially D. Leaving friends he had for years. Just the other day, I spoke to the best man from our wedding. Xh and that man were best friends. Thick as thieves right up until MLC hit the doorstep. Now - crickets for no reason except Xh disappeared from this friend's life. There was no disagreement, or growing apart type of moment. It was just Xh dropping off the planet with people who he loved.

In some ways it makes some weird sense. I don't think it excuses it, since it is something that could be addressed. That is a wish I hope someday comes true for Xh. The wish that he would address his abandonment issues and it is why all of this makes some odd sense. He has ditched everyone who cared for him before anyone abandoned him. It is why he so desperately hangs on to the family that did abandon him in the first place. Again, makes some weird sense and I am not saying that from some professional assessment. It is based on knowing his family history for years and the dynamics I see him replaying with D. It is right out of FIL's and MIL's playbook.

But, at a certain point, I found myself at a finish line with my marriage. I have forgiven myself for not being able to hang on. It was not healthy for me. It was no longer what I wanted and that part is perhaps sad to admit.

Most days I don't really give a whole lot of thought to MLC the same way I once did. It is as I have likened it to, a novel that sits on my shelf. I can look back on it, but I don't need to reread it.

Why it is maybe on my mind a bit today is for two reasons. One, I heard that song this morning, literally after someone mentioned what would have been my 30th wedding anniversary coming up. I haven't really given it a thought other than when someone mentioned it last week. Today's question someone tiptoed around as they know it is coming up soon. They wondered if I was upset about it. I sort of laughed, which perhaps sounds callous to someone who doesn't really know me. I loved my Xh fiercely. This was not some laugh of somehow dismissing what that relationship meant to me, but it is in the past. I am not upset about the anniversary. I grieved the relationship and frankly my focus is on what is in my life now.

Sometimes the finish line is the start of something new rings very true for me. I am so grateful for some of the things and people in my life now. I stood at that finish line waiting for Xh to show up for a very long time. If I had stayed there looking back to see if Xh was coming down that path, I would have perhaps missed what was in the path right in front of me. I am so glad, I started to move forward.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11998.150

[Dragonfly33]

What a nice update MourningDove. At some point, you'll have to move forward while accepting that our spouses aren't coming back anymore. I wish you all the best.

[UrsaMajor]

It's one of those times when we (the LBS who is done and moved on maybe) looks back and thinks "What we had was nice, loving, great, wonderful despite the issues but what the 'person formerly known as Spouse' has transformed into is not anything that I want or need in my life.

We can grieve what we had and what is gone (and that takes however long it takes) but stand around waiting for that past to come our way again when the other person shows no interest in doing the work THEY need to do to overcome their demons seems like a waste of time to me...

Doesn't mean that we are bitter or filled with rage or hate. It simply means that we (the LBS) has chosen to make our own healing and our own lives a priority and has begun to do the things that make us happy in our lives...

[Dragonfly33]

Totally agree with you URSA.

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & Dragonfly33 - 

I had "a moment" when my anniversary was brought up again. I must admit I had a moment of weird feelings about it when the reality really hit of how it would have been 30 years we would have been married. I was in fact struggling a little, I will admit but not for the reasons some assumed.

My struggle was brief, and a little odd in that it took others pointing out my anniversary was upon me. I honestly hadn't really given it a whole lot of thought. When I had the wrong day of the week, as in the date, my sister laughed a little. I was not upset by her laughter, because she said I have come a long way from being the woman who was often just functioning by focusing on fifteen minutes at a time to cope when BD hit. Or the second BD. Back then, I held on to every date, every memory, every moment in hopes of trying to resuscitate something that had died at BD. Xh was not the man I had married and still isn't. Grieving hadn't started because at that time I wasn't able to accept the reality. And, I realize that was okay. I was in shock.

Looking back, I can now see things a bit clearer. The on ramp to the crisis. It doesn't really matter at this point beyond I have learned a whole lot about myself and in truth I knew way back that Xh was going to hit a wall, I just didn't anticipate his full meltdown. I figured I could weather this storm, as I had in the past. I could have maybe handled him being upset with me, but I never saw him ever leaving the kids or just throwing that part of his life away the way he has. That made the whole situation completely different.

The truth of the matter is, the part of this particular anniversary that sort of jarred me was that I wasn't upset by it. I wondered if there was something wrong with me for not remembering the date. I had the right year, but even then, I had to calculate the number of years. It struck me as a bit odd that I wasn't somehow mourning what would have been some big milestone. Instead, I was focused on what was in my direct path and I was very happy about that.

It took me a bit to realize that it doesn't mean that I didn't love my Xh in the years we were together. That is the part that maybe a few others seemed to wonder since I wasn't somehow needing time to cry about it, or have some moment of silence. It was actually all very bizarre - the feelings and the assumptions of some others.

Explaining to some that I don't want my Xh back is tiring. It doesn't mean that what I had wasn't important to me or I regret it. I do have moments though where I wonder why I stayed in it so long during the MLC years. I beat myself up a bit for that, yet, in some ways I think in my case it is what needed to happen for me to fully walk away and know I was done.

Since that date, the anniversary that wasn't, I have been busy. The weekend that would have been my anniversary, I instead was enjoying company and frankly I kept them a secret from my family. I have to admit that is not something I am good at nor necessarily, want to attempt again. I just wanted them all to myself and I didn't want to have to somehow make time to stop somewhere and have coffee with this one or that one. It isn't that I want to keep them from my life or a secret, I frankly don't know how people who sneak around do it. The tip toeing around is a bit tiring and I still had responsibilities I had to deal with that dragged me away more than I wanted to be gone. I will admit though that having them to myself, aside from running into people I knew all weekend, I liked. I guess my lesson to myself is it is okay for me to want to have those selfish moments.

The days since then have been a little hectic and at times chaotic. I have been very busy with some home projects that needed tackled. I seem to make a pilgrimage to the home improvement store every few days and I am having moments where I feel like I haven't done a thing, yet, I also find that I am encountering moments where I have to pinch myself and remind myself that I have actually made as much progress.

For the most part, the pace has been good for me and I have been really quite happy most days. Today was no exception, TBH. I woke up with a pinched nerve and was in agony, but I was in a good mood. I rearranged my day so that the meetings I had throughout the week lined up today and tomorrow morning so that I could keep let the nerve rest and still accomplish some things. I came home and found myself sort of hit with a strange feeling. IDK what has brought it on, tbh.

I am having one of those self doubt moments. I have always been comfortable in my own skin most days. Usually I can pinpoint if something makes me beat myself up. The self confidence plummeting happened during MLC, and I sometimes think that still creeps in when it didn't before.

I do know it is in part due to being really tired today. The pinched nerve woke me up in the middle of the night and my fingers felt like someone was hammering on them. D was up and helped me stretch (having someone with PT in their background has it's perks - LOL) to try and alleviate the pain. I was in tears and D said that is not like me at all. I have a high pain threshold so she knew it had to be bad.

Part of it is a conversation that occurred with a student who stopped to see me. They wanted to run something by me because they know I will play devil's advocate if asked. I knew from the moment she told me what was going on there were some red flags, but I didn't tell her what to do. I knew she knew what was the problem from the moment she started to tell me the scenario. She needed to voice it and process. I was happy to help, as she needed the sounding board, but it was a tough conversation for me, as it stirred up some feelings that I had to fight through after the MLCer arrived on the scene.

I will push through it all and find some inner fight, but it is hard sometimes to not let those feelings take hold. It is in these moments where I don't like the solitude. I will shake off the feelings of inadequacy and somehow move on from it. When I got home the same student sent me a text and thanked me, telling me how much she and other students appreciate me - that I am a rare breed and kind beyond compare. I know her text was heartfelt and sincere, and it was nice to hear, but right now not even that is making a dent. Sigh. Maybe a good night's rest or some bolt of lighting will strike me and jolt me. LOL

[UrsaMajor]

When I got home the same student sent me a text and thanked me, telling me how much she and other students appreciate me - that I am a rare breed and kind beyond compare. I know her text was heartfelt and sincere, and it was nice to hear, but right now not even that is making a dent. Sigh. Maybe a good night's rest or some bolt of lighting will strike me and jolt me. LOL

One kick in the pants - coming up!



Read that text again and let it sink in....The only person that you might b "inadequate" to is a Mid-Lifer... or maybe yourself.... As the text proves, you are MORE than "adequate" to the rest of the world... even if you do have to sneak around to have some private time with your guest....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - a kick in the pants is a change from the 2x4 - but either is appreciated. LOL

I won't pretend I had a good night's sleep helped and I woke up in a completely different frame of mind. I am better, as I only woke up in moderate pain last night and slept a bit better.

The universe did intervene today on my behalf. I originally was supposed to have today off. Then the neighbor asked me to help them for a couple of hours, which would have been fine. Last night, when I was really at a point of just wanting to crawl into bed and move past my mood, my phone rang and it was the college gallery and there was an emergency staff change. It is part of my job to coordinate that and I already anticipated I would end up having to cover. I was accepting that possibility and changed my day around late last night. It was not a day where we could just shut down according to my calendar based on what was supposed to happen in regards to an artist bringing work to install today. I reached out to confirm that with the artist and didn't hear back. I tried to put a positive spin on it all by convincing myself I would just go in and use the time to knock off the paperwork I am really not wanting to deal with at the moment. Yes, procrastinating on some stupid thing that will take maybe a half an hour - I will address it. It is just a stupid process of duplicating things over and over when it makes no sense at all even to the people in that office. It is just how it has always been done is the mentality - bureaucracy at its finest - LOL.

At any rate, I fell into bed and just felt drained and it was this morning I was laying there and realized it is the usual exhaustion and feeling needed. Feeling needed is a nice feeling at times. Yet, if I hear that one more time from someone in the mood I am in today, I might scream. Yes, being needed is something I do appreciate, but I have found myself in that bit of a stretch the past few days where I have not really had time to give myself a break from that role. It didn't help that at the other gallery, I was training a new person - who is great, but it was not what I needed in that moment. The pain I was in didn't help. Basically, I failed to take care of myself and be a bit selfish for even a tiny bit of time - or at least enough to make a difference. I know - it is my constant quest and one I don't do well with.

But, the feeling that I had a hard time overcoming is one that sounds perhaps "needy" and it isn't meant to be. I know there are those that will say they don't need anyone to make them feel wanted, etc. Or they don't measure their worth that way. IDK - I find that I am a person that does like to know I am wanted more than needed sometimes. I needed to feel wanted or like a thought beyond "hey I will call MourningDove who will help me work through this or will have an answer". I don't have all the answers, that is for sure, but I have a knack for trying to figure out who might or for problem solving. It is a good quality, I guess, and I don't often mind helping. I just sometimes don't speak up for myself and say, "not today - I can't". I didn't have the bandwidth and I could feel myself getting to that point.

And, while I like having some time alone, it is never about me wanting to be alone all the time. I can find things to occupy my time and I do need time to sometimes sort things out or just to change gears, etc. I like a bit of space, but I have learned I have to not only ask for it, but I need to be clear that most times I usually just need half an hour or an hour. Once in a great while, I need a day to myself, but beyond that, I honestly work through things pretty quickly again. That was something I was able to do pre-MLC. I can't say that was the case while I was in the thick of things or after, but it is something that has reemerged.

So, this morning, I found myself waking up really early and I could have been up and out of the house by 6 to go for a walk. Instead, I decided to just feel the warm sun shining through the windows and skylights of my room and embrace the silence. Until my phone rang and it was the artist I had contacted last night. They have decided Saturday, which was the other option works better for them to drop off and so I am off the hook for the day. Then came the other text from the other gallery attendant who said they could cover the shift. I found myself suddenly free for the day.

I pondered calling the neighbors and putting that back on the calendar. Nope. Yes, they need the help. I will help them next week. I realized I needed something today and that is I need just a day to regroup and get out of my own head. I was starting to take a walk down Monkey Brain Lane last night. I really hate that path.

I saw my neighbor was next door and walked over to bring him a batch of brownies. I laughed when I handed them to him because I said he needs to be honest because I know he has a terrible sweet tooth, but he also is diabetic and I bought a box mix that is supposed to be sugar free, but I couldn't vouch for the taste of this one. He laughed. Seeing him helped me immensely in terms of a reset.

He had apologized for mowing the lawn so early last weekend. I told him it was actually really funny because, I was in fact awake and his mowing pattern confused me, as in he usually does his lawn or mine first and I know by how close the mower is. He had decided to both at the same time and mow across the property lines, which makes sense. I said I would hear the mower and then suddenly it was way in the distance for a long time. I told him I don't know how to ever thank him for taking care of that for me, as S has the tractor in pieces and working on repairing it. Parts have been on backorder. My neighbor said it is honestly the best thing for him. He enjoys it and allows him to be outside but nearby. He apologized for setting up his camper in the yard and was worried it was an eyesore. I told him not to worry, but I wondered if that had some other meaning. He shook his head and said he doesn't think he will make it to a campsite anytime soon, as he isn't sure his wife can manage.

He always has a smile on his face and he so adores his wife. It is such a refreshing thing to witness. He said he has learned to cook and she tries to do the dishes. He redoes them and doesn't complain because he said she does not remember how to do them anymore as she mixes up the steps - as in wipes them dry first and then washes them. She can't do any basic math skills any longer and she was a whiz at math. He then said she has quit doing her makeup. I must have given him a look of shock. He has never been one to say anything bad about her not wearing makeup and this was not that at all. He knows I have known her long enough to know she was not high maintenance, but I never saw her leave the house without some makeup on, at the very least mascara and lipstick. Her hair was always done. I asked him if she was worse. He shrugged and said the doctors told him she has stabilized for now - she isn't getting worse, but she certainly won't get better. He set up the camper outside so that she will come sit outside with the grandchildren and two of his 4 kids will come to stay overnight in the camper, even though they live close by. The other 2 avoid coming home and I am sure it is in part because they can't really cope with the reality of the situation.

Maybe seeing my neighbor gave me another needed kick in the pants. He is handling being needed with so much grace and love. I know from conversations with him that his life is no longer like it was and he is starved for attention on certain levels. It is never a weird conversation for either of us. He knows I understand and he has said countless times that my Xh is an idiot and they were close friends. He told me his wife did not chose to get dementia and he knows his time with her may be short, so even when it means he has to sacrifice he will. It means that things around their house don't always get done and now there is a camper in the yard. It made me laugh and I told him if that is his worst offense, then I think I can handle it.

I won't see him again for weeks probably, beyond a wave when he gets home from work or drives by. I did tell him I was going to have D help me find a recipe for tiramisu which I know is his absolute favorite as I know his birthday is coming up. D was happy to start looking when I mentioned it to her. Her comment to me was it was nice to have someone nearby that is so committed to his wife and truly loves her. I agreed it is nice to see.

D left for her a job interview and called to tell me about it a short time ago. She has a second interview tomorrow with another potential employer. She leaves for her trip soon and gave me more details about that, as in where she is flying out of - LOL. She also mentioned she is thinking about taking a trip when she gets back to visit a grad program and then drive on to visit BIL 2, who she has avoided now for a bit. They talk, but it had been strained after he at one point a couple of years ago felt she was the only one who could help XH. It was the one time my BIL and I had words with one another. I recall telling him it wasn't fair for anyone to put that on her shoulders. Yes, maybe Xh needed her, but he didn't make any of it easy for her and at some point he needs to help himself to really make any difference.

Now that the day has opened up, I am going to take some time and actually work outside in the gardens. I have other things I probably should do, but it is beautiful outside and I need a change of scenery. I have even prepared myself for the possibility of Xh driving by as it is his "normal" meeting day in town. I will behave and not flip him off, but I am at least not going to let his potential presence knock me off kilter more than I was last night.

[MadLuv]

 

Looking back, I can now see things a bit clearer. The on ramp to the crisis. It doesn't really matter at this point beyond I have learned a whole lot about myself and in truth I knew way back that Xh was going to hit a wall, I just didn't anticipate his full meltdown. I figured I could weather this storm, as I had in the past. I could have maybe handled him being upset with me, but I never saw him ever leaving the kids or just throwing that part of his life away the way he has. That made the whole situation completely different

  I can relate to this as well. I knew my XH was struggling. I thought it was grief and job pressure and I was willing to suck it up and fight for my family. I think now I see it a bit different. I try very hard not to rewrite my own history, but honestly I put up with a lot. I think we do have to go through it all. Know we tried everything. I am beyond saddened to see who he has become and in all honesty he was just a better man when he was with me. They attach to humans worse and so they become worse. You are who you associate with. Thats how I look at it.

30 year anniversary came and it was not as tough as I thought it would be. Now, when I found out much later he remarried on that month I was utterly devastated!! Each hit really does makes us stronger. It’s all starting to feel like a lifetime ago. The marriage and family together. Thats sad, but a much calmer place to be!

[UrsaMajor]

UrsaMajor - a kick in the pants is a change from the 2x4 - but either is appreciated. LOL

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - LOL. Yes, I have said it before - you should get a raise.  : )

MadLuv- I admit this has certainly tested my strength and there is a lot of things I now maybe see that lead up to the whole crisis.

I do admit that there was a time when I began to enable Xh during the crisis. That was a huge mistake on my part and allowing my FIL to move in, when it was never supposed to happen that way. He was going to stay a short time and fine his own place originally. Instead FIL liked having meals cooked, etc and I didn't push back enough when I knew it was really a huge mistake. I convinced myself maybe it is how FIL and Xh would resolve the FOO issues. I sacrificed way too much of myself during that time.

That said, in my case, in spite of the problems my Xh may have let get out of hand, I can't say I experienced a situation when I made him better. I would never have even dated him if that were the case. I know there were things about him that many women would tell me that they could see the attraction, but he was very high maintenance in many ways. I accepted his perceived flaws and didn't try to change him. We were for a very long time known to others as a very dynamic couple that were good for one another and partners. We respected our strengths and weaknesses. It was really only when he quit talking about his childhood issues and bottled them up that it really became apparent other things were bubbling below the surface. I knew I couldn't fix them, but I hoped he would work through them and I just adjusted.

I also really have no idea if he is happy or not or a horrible person. Is he the man I knew and respected? Not as far as I can see. I could probably make a better assessment a few years ago when I would see him, but I honestly only know about blips here and there from interactions very rarely or through what I know about from primarily S. I try very hard to not know a thing about him if I can. It is impossible to cut him out completely due to the things like him driving by and because we live in the same region or because of the kids. It is going to happen. I was recently asked if he is still with OW. I have no clue. I don't really care one way or the other.

The OW - she was a special, very manipulative type of person. My issues with her really have to do with the games she began to play with me and my kids. She is not fully to blame though and I keep that in mind. My Xh was not some innocent child in this situation. He made a choice, not once with her but twice. That was my line in the sand in regards to that second BD and even then I was considering standing.

I know that there are marriages where one makes the other one better, or people will say that. I have heard that from some people in regards to my marriage. I just don't have that perspective. I also don't buy into it because in my case, I know that Xh's family has a very different take on it - aside from BIL and in their scenario, I am the one who drove us into financial hardship and was selfish, etc.

Maybe it is that I have gotten to a point where I - as, in my own situation - no judgement on anyone else - I really don't think it benefits me to believe I brought out the best in my Xh. Did we compliment one another - yes. But, he was a very talented, capable, independent person before I came on the scene. That was part of his appeal. He had his $h!te together. Sure, he had quirks, but they were just that. He went on to become a very wonderful H for a very long time and a very involved F who adored his kids. He did so many things that I really attribute to why my kids are as grounded as they are. It was not the MD show all the time.

The problems arose when it just blew up. My F, who thought of him like a S has said it over and over again - he just doesn't know what really happened to Xh. It makes little sense, even though he too said he can see when the problems arose and it all basically goes back to things in Xh's life that he never really dealt with properly - primarily abandonment and grief. Bottled it up and it just was too much pressure.

Someone commented not long ago that I probably would pick on someone similar to Xh or go in a completely different direction. It made me stop a second and laugh because they don't know me very well. Sure, there are probably some similar aspects if I somehow went down some check list, but I really haven't done that. My sister, when I told her she laughed. She said the similarities are there in tiny blips, and the most important parallel she sees is that this person has their own things and I do and we allow one another to be individuals. Xh was very good at that prior to MLC. There are maybe some other things here and there, but by in large what she sees is I have someone that likes to do many of the things I like to and I have a calmness about me in terms of the relationship at least most of the time. That is, that when I am around them it is easy to see that I am at ease with them and with who I am, and not in some boring way. A contentedness. She said we clearly have some fun adventures that Xh would have never done - like hiking some impromptu place, etc.

And maybe that is part of why I don't really put too much thought into how Xh is now. He could be back to parts of his core and blissfully happy. I do know that what I have seen is a person who I would have never even considered dating if he had been like he is now. It may be in part because I have changed too much. It could be he has. If OW is around, maybe she brings out things in him that are bad or good. I can't speak to that. I do know I am certainly not going to be inviting the two of them to my house nor would I want to see them together. That would still probably trigger me. I know that is possible.

All I know is I have moved on to other things in life. It is not always easy. Like tonight. I am going to an event by myself and I am excited on one hand, but really not looking forward to going alone. It is not easy navigating things alone. It will be a nice event, but I really would prefer to go with someone. Yet, it is not an option and I refuse to just bow out because  Xh felt I wasn't worth hanging around with any longer. It is his loss in many ways, but maybe more from the standpoint that he blew up his entire family to get his freedom and happiness. I know that on Sunday, when S has decided not to go see him and is taking my F out for the day instead, it probably is not exactly how Xh pictured things going. But, I am not sure - maybe he has made plans of his own.

And for the record, I take no joy in S not spending Father's Day with Xh. It isn't like a win for me. I do understand that there are situations where kids are kept from one parent out of spite and kids are manipulated. It saddens me more for my kids than Xh and that is solely because the kids didn't get a choice. I did my best to keep those lines open for Xh and he made the choice. The kids - they are now making choices based on Xh's actions. Things I have no control over. From that standpoint - I know that this version of Xh is not the same version I knew many years ago. This version is a very different man than I ever knew.

[MadLuv]

I want to clarify when I said he was a better man when with me. I did not make my XH a better man. He just was a better man with me than he is now. We were very similar to you and your H as a couple. People respected us as a  power couple also. What I meant by him being a better man was that he respected himself more when he was with me ( well until the cheating obviously) but the man he is now has no character or morales.

The biggest issue I have with him now is being an absent father and grandfather. He is also with a OW/wife that enables him and doesn't  encourage a relationship with his kids.  If it was someone else telling me their story I would be disgusted in their husband. I still cant’t believe this is who he has become, yet now I totally accept it. If that makes sense. I also feel like you. I feel horrible that my kids will not see or talk to their Dad tomorrow. I have taken down all social media over a month ago. I have found much more peace in it. Although I am very fortunate my XH was nevwr on any social media. I wish I could say the same for his  wife.

[MourningDove]

MadLuv - I understand what you are getting at.

My issue with someone saying my Xh was better with me is really more of an issue I have. It stems largely from a relationship I had when I was in high school through college. I was the reason someone was "better" with me. I cared deeply about him, but it became too much to be the reason someone was able to behave.

My boyfriend at the time was not strong enough to be true to his core - that is he gave into peer pressure. He was 4 years older, and I was this quiet freshman. His friends gave him such a hard time about dating what they deemed a goody-two shoes and nerd. He never drank or did drugs around me, ever. He respected me and knew I liked to have fun, but partying all weekend and waking up to a hangover that lasted for days was something that to me seemed like a waste of my life. I never kept him from doing what he did, I simply said I wanted no part of it. His friends would call me and it upset him terribly but he wasn't even strong enough to tell them off. They would call me and they expected to scare me or upset me. I would see them in the hallways later and they could not believe this little freshman didn't give a damn about their opinion of me. It would be years later that one of them apologized and said they were jerks and it rattled them that they couldn't get me to bend or break.

I had hoped my boyfriend would go off to college and find people who saw his worth and help him find his own strength. That hope that he would be in his chosen field and find that inner worth. Unfortunately, he moved into a dorm and in a need to be accepted, he aligned himself with a group that was all about partying. He didn't care about the partying, that was the funny part. It was that he wanted people to like him. He was afraid to be himself. I knew back then it was because his father had abandoned him at 3 years old and never came back. Even though he had a wonderful man that became his "F" - that FOO issue was always hanging over him. I just didn't attempt to fix it. I never blew sunshine up his backside nor did I give him a reason to somehow think I would abandon him. It was something I later learned that he journaled about later in life. My reasons for letting go were that I realized while I cared about him, if I stayed in and somehow allowed myself to be the reason he was "better" - whether by being his GF or by remaining his friend, he had no reason to get stronger on his own. Being the reason he was "better" was draining me and I also seemed to know what was unfolding.

It was a very hard thing to walk away from - his friendship. Not the part about being my BF. But, I missed his friendship. I wanted him to fly on his own and live a good life. Instead, over the years I would hear about his life and it was sickening to me. The partying life collided with his regular life and grew into a coping mechanism. Which lead to him going down a path that would find him breaking laws, etc. I would later run into his sister when he had celebrated his 40th birthday. She was so happy to see me and told me ha had finally gotten himself on the right path. It wouldn't last long and not because of addictions. He died tragically a couple of years later in a manner that haunted me in many ways.

When he died, Xh was in MLC and I was often told I made Xh better. I think part of that phrasing made me somehow feel like I was being blamed for Xh's crisis - as if I had any control over it.

Being someone's reason for being better - for me - is too much. I don't want to be the reason someone is better. I am not judging anyone else at all. I think it is just one of those sensitive areas I will always have. My friend dying was not my fault nor could I have ever fixed it for him. I was thinking about it this past week a lot. I had a strange twist of fate - something no one will ever tell me was just coincidence that I now wonder if it was meant to happen to let me know it wasn't my fault that he went down that path.

I had never met this former BF's son, but he had an accident in front of my house. I opened the door to see this young man who reminded me of someone and it wasn't until later, when I found out who it was that I knew why it was familiar. There stood a kid, all of 17 who looked like the same young man who would come to pick me up for a date. The young man was driving his F's car and hit a large animal, totaling the car. It would be days later, when I saw my former BF's sister that I found out the former BF had died that night and the kid was on his way home from the hospital. I have journaled about it before, but it was this week and the discussion about "better" that maybe made me forgive myself completely. I couldn't fix him. I never wanted to. I just wanted better for him.

I wanted better for Xh. I still do, but I just don't want him back.

I spent the past few days with my parents on a road trip. I was alone a lot, since my parents were worn out and we were back at the hotel very early. I spent time sitting outside by the pool and reading and just "being". Maybe it was about letting go of some little remnants of guilt that still remained. I found myself wanting to let go of as much of the remaining pieces as possible. I made some decisions that I put into motion a few minutes ago.

I have no desire to get rid of every bit of XH that is in terms of I am not out to burn wedding pictures or those historical things. They may not be out in the open or something I need to somehow pull out and go over and over. There are no shrines being built. I just am okay with having some history in my life. It wasn't all bad and it is in my history. I also have kids that I don't want them to think that somehow it was always bad. It wasn't. That is also their history. I won't rewrite it. Yet, there are things that have been in the house that I really have had not dealt with for a variety of reasons.

I texted Xh and out and out asked him if he wanted some specific books. They really are his books - as he had a hand in their design and such when he worked with that company. I could have easily sold them and made a killing, I am sure. They are highly sought after. Neither kid knows the true background. I could have used them for my classes, but there has been something that has stopped me in part because it just injects Xh into my professional life again - it is silly but that is the way it makes me feel. I could have donated the books. Instead they sit in a box that I haven't dealt with. I made the decision to take a higher road and texted Xh to ask if he wanted them. Nothing more. No threats to me saying I would sell them, etc. Just "do you want these". He immediately responded yes, he would really love them and that was so very thoughtful of me. I then told him there was another item that I was sending with S in a couple of weeks and S has explicit instructions to give them to SIL's partner, as they mean the most to her. It was something we bought years ago at an estate sale for their former neighbor, who she adored. Xh said that he agreed they really belong with her and thanked me.

Now, this exchange is not some door I am opening. I am in fact closing the doors on the past by getting rid of these things. I have no plans to start texting Xh on some regular basis. I only did it to make sure the only part S plays in this is to be the one who delivers the box. I had toyed with having S ask Xh and I decided to make sure I stay true to making sure I don't put the kids in the middle of some communication. I won't do that.

S sort of laughed when I told him. He said "you know dad is going to ask me what is going on". I smiled and said I was sure he will. S knows what has pushed me and it is not some big plan, but more about my own feelings and needing to "clean house". I had said nothing, but S was quick to notice that my library had some new things on the shelves that were gifts. He smiled and said nothing at the time. I know he realizes that I am making new memories and things like books that mean nothing to me are taking up precious room for those new memories.

D leaves in a couple of weeks. S informed me he will be watching SIL's house for nearly 3 weeks starting after the 4th - at least that is based on the last dates floated. He joked I might change the locks while they are gone, as I might really like having the house to myself for some time. I told him not to give me any ideas - LOL

I love my kids, but yes, I am going to enjoy having a break. 

[UrsaMajor]

It's that new game in town - "What will the Mid-Lifer make of this!"

S is right, MLCxH will probably be monkey-braining but that is not your circus or your monkeys...

As far as the kids go.....

https://youtu.be/aGSKrC7dGcY

[Treasur]

Sometimes you just know when it’s time, don’t you?

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - No, it is not my circus nor my monkeys. I am more like the zoo keeper at the house that sometimes feels like a zoo - LOL.

As for knowing it is time, yes, I think that was just the feeling. It is not that the books have been in the way, but they are still in my living space and they do take up the space. The decision to ask Xh was not something I batted around. It was a truly quick decision and one I didn't somehow go back and forth on. It was a "these have to go and I will ask the question and get an answer and move on" moment. I am not questioning myself about any of it. Maybe I should - LOL. IDK.

The truth is it felt good to just make it that simple. Ask him and then move on. There was a time when every moment I encountered Xh in any manner was torture in some manner. Painful or fraught with questioning myself. Should I? Shouldn't I? What if? Will my actions make him come back or run away? I can think of countless scenarios or questions I would have asked myself early in this journey that I now realize were in so many ways wasted energy in that during that time Xh didn't care one lick what I was feeling. He was on a mission to move out and start his new adventure. He was done with the marriage while I was still reeling from the news he wanted out.

My day has been anything but normal today. I was crying this morning and literally wanting to just lean against a wall and cry all day. I felt so defeated. I haven't really gone away in a long time on any type of vacation. Last year I went with D with my parents, but that was different. This time, while I was the "chauffeur" and I followed my parent's schedule and didn't go off on my own in terms of leaving them alone at the hotel, I did have time to myself. Time I could just sit by the pool, which is not something I normally do - and I had very few disruptions in terms of the kids needing things or being "on call". I had left work in good shape before I left at both places.

This. morning started with having to have my car towed to the dealership due to some horrible noise it is now making. Then my phone blew up and it would seem the artist who was supposed to install their show last week at the one gallery didn't finish and now that is up in the air. Paperwork that I asked about last week and the one office said they would chase wasn't a priority last week, but now suddenly they are panicked because it is a holiday next week.

The day I was supposed to have off became a full day of work remotely. The laundry I started this morning has yet to make it out of the washer into the dryer.

Then the mail came. Nothing of any great consequence except my electric bill came and I was completely perplexed by the tabulations. Hmmmm. I know my average bill and while I was thrilled that somehow I only owed $5 this month - which confused me to no end, but I thought maybe I over paid. Then as I went down the statement it claimed my last bill was over a $1,100 and I had a credit for $1,300. Oh? Gosh, I think I would have remembered something like that. So, another call to be made. I know the bill I had last month wasn't that much at all. No where near it and it has not been a month where I could even remotely come up with a scenario to have used that much additional electric. The company claimed it was a malfunction of the meter and I over paid last month by some so there was a credit and they made the proper adjustments. Let's just say that by the end of the call I wanted to just throw my hands up and cry "uncle".

Maybe it was the last call I had that set me back on the right mental path. This is just a hiccup. My car - who knows?Could be a little something or a big something. It could be covered by warranty. It might not be. I have to accept what is and can't change it. It just sometimes feels like I can't get ahead. I am tired of working so hard since Xh went off the rails. It is hard to have gone from living a very comfortable life monetarily to having that safety net ripped out from under me. I have fought so hard to regain grounds and I don't need much. I am usually content with so little.

I have those moments where I get angry and think maybe Xh has it figured out - LOL. You know, ditch all responsibilities and live it up. Reality hits and I realize what I would have to give up. In spite of all of the stress, I know what I would be walking away from. Okay, so the laundry won't get all done today. Big deal. I resolved other things and at least my car broke down close to home and not while I was away. I could have been dealing with it from several hundred miles away and D freaking out. She got home safe and we will see. I know the dealership will take good care of me. I am also glad it happened this week and not during the holiday week. I am telling myself it could have been worse and this is just one of those things. Something will give the other direction at some point. I just have to hang tight a bit.

I had planned on working on some paintings tonight, but that will be tabled. I know I am at the point where painting won't relax me at all and will result in more frustration than anything else. And, with the humidity, maybe it is just as well for tonight. Instead, I will find something else to keep me out of trouble. Maybe I will put those books in S's vehicle when he gets home. LOL

[UrsaMajor]

Then my phone blew up and it would seem the artist who was supposed to install their show last week at the one gallery didn't finish and now that is up in the air. Paperwork that I asked about last week and the one office said they would chase wasn't a priority last week, but now suddenly they are panicked because it is a holiday next week.

Ah yes... the good old "We didn't do our job so now YOU have to react accordingly" syndrome... Sort of like a Mid-Lifer on a commercial scale.... Actions = consequences....   AKA "Lack of Proper Prior Planning on your part will not necessarily invoke an emergency reaction on my part."

I have those moments where I get angry and think maybe Xh has it figured out - LOL. You know, ditch all responsibilities and live it up. Reality hits and I realize what I would have to give up. In spite of all of the stress, I know what I would be walking away from.

You mean things like .... oh... I don't know..... Honesty? Integrity? Accountability? Reliability?  That is about it because Karma makes darn sure that the consequences will STILL come around, no matter how hard they run and hide and try to deny culpability for their actions...

Instead, I will find something else to keep me out of trouble. Maybe I will put those books in S's vehicle when he gets home. LOL

  Should be about Wine o'clock, right? There's yer answer....

[Reinventing]

MD, I was amazed at the story about the former bf, his death, and then his son showing up at your door. It was like a movie scene in my mind.

[MourningDove]

Then my phone blew up and it would seem the artist who was supposed to install their show last week at the one gallery didn't finish and now that is up in the air. Paperwork that I asked about last week and the one office said they would chase wasn't a priority last week, but now suddenly they are panicked because it is a holiday next week.

Ah yes... the good old "We didn't do our job so now YOU have to react accordingly" syndrome... Sort of like a Mid-Lifer on a commercial scale.... Actions = consequences....   AKA "Lack of Proper Prior Planning on your part will not necessarily invoke an emergency reaction on my part."

That has been how the entire week has been so far - it would seem there is some trend this week. Unfortunately, these are becoming my problems because I am the one who is coordinating all of these things for the gallery and the college gallery. It has been like herding cats this week. Things out of my control in that I can't do the work for them. I am hating having to nag and chase things. It is causing a whole lot of heartache and headaches. It will pass. It is not unusual in the overall grand scheme, it happens - it is just that this week seems to feel like I can't catch a breath.

I did have good news on the car and it was actually really amusing. It was a simple fix and not a major problem, but there was no way to tell. It did give my dad and I a little excursion, as he drove me to pick up the car and I took him out to an old fashioned drive in diner where they have an area where they still will bring your food out to your car with some of the the wait staff on roller-skates. We didn't partake in that service, and chose to sit inside. It is one of those places that is very simple and my dad loves going there. So, for all of my complaining about the other stuff, it was fun.

That said, while he drove to and from the dealership, I was working on my computer putting out fires via email in the car. Not my idea of a fun drive. LOL

MD, I was amazed at the story about the former bf, his death, and then his son showing up at your door. It was like a movie scene in my mind.

Reinventing - It does sound like a movie plot, if I gel it down all of the years and interactions to that abbreviated version. It is all very odd when I look back and string it together. For instance the night his son came to the door, it is not like I looked at this kid and knew the connection. It was more of a "why does that kid seem so familiar" at first. I was busy calling 911 while my Xh went outside to wait with the kid. I wouldn't learn that it was my former BF's son until later and then the other details came in small bits, like the fact that he had gone to the hospital to say his goodbyes, etc. I learned much of this a couple of weeks later when I saw my former BF's sister. So, it wasn't exactly a Hollywood moment, but strung together it is a night that sort of haunts me at times because there were so many things that are hard to brush off as coincidental. The BF's sister is convinced that it was her brother's way of saying goodbye to me. IDK - I can't say for sure. I would like to think that is possible and for her, it brought her a strong sense of peace, tbh, so I will accept her explanation.

I have been told many times by people they don't have interesting stories like mine. I don't believe that is true. I just happen to recall some very strange things or find the absurdity in a whole lot. I also have paid a great deal of attention to things being someone who is visual. I see things sometimes other's don't.

For instance, last week while I was with a colleague of mine on a bit of a field trip I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car and at a stop light. We were not in a residential area nor a particularly populated area either. We were at the stop light for several minutes when the passenger door of the car ahead of us opened and an older man just got out and started walking into a field. There was no shouting, or any fanfare. He didn't look like he had say dementia or was confuse. He just got out and my colleague and I looked at each other and burst out laughing because there was no distress. It simply looked like he decided to take a walk. We spent several minutes coming up with scenarios. Of course this colleague has a background in creative literature so it was even funnier to both of us.

I think we all have interesting lives or stories. IDK - maybe I am wrong and I just have lived a very weird life - LOL

Not all of my week has been utter madness. I do have a line on a possible commission which is intriguing me. I had a conference call this morning with a cabinet maker and the potential client. We will see where it goes. I have a whole lot of research to do before I say yes. It has a decent lead time and based on the conversation with the cabinet maker, I am pretty confident this is doable. I am not ready to just say yes, but my gut is telling me right now it feels like a good idea. That said, I have learned that sometimes that feeling in my gut is excitement in these cases and I have to make sure that I am not letting my excitement overrule my more practical and business minded side.

Now if only I could get this week to slow down a little - just a smidge - LOL

[UrsaMajor]

Here you go....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - that clip sums up what herding cats would look like.

It has been a stretch since I have posted, it seems. I have had moments where I have considered it, but then found myself pulling back. Maybe it was what needed to happen in that, I honestly needed to refocus my energies a bit. For one, it is hard enough at times to push the MLC to the background of my life. BD was years ago now and it no longer hurts the same way, but the triggers do sometimes creep in and that is something that I have had to accept may always be there in some form. The difference is now I recognize them quicker and can usually work through them quickly. If anything, they surprise me more now when they happen.

The summer flew by, in part because I was able to spend more time with a certain someone in my life. My sister introduced him as my BF to a group and then sort of paused, concerned maybe that was not a comfortable term. It is in essence what I call him when asked, but it seems like a strange term to use at my age, and divorced, yet I am not a fan (for myself) of some of the other terms people use. The label is not important in the grand scheme, that is, I know that there is no one else I am even remotely interested in and our time together, while not as frequent as perhaps I sometimes wish for, is easy and comfortable, yet not in some mundane way. It is comfortable in that for the first time in what seems like forever, there is no pressure for me to be anyone but myself. I do miss him more now than I did before when we are apart and that is a bit jarring for me, I will admit. I never expected that to be a feeling that would ever exist again for another person. At BD no one would have ever convinced me that my feelings would change for Xh and I could be really happy with someone else.

The truth of the matter is, detaching was the best thing for me. It was a hard decision to finally make for me. Going against my own beliefs about marriage and somehow trying to reconcile in my head what had happened to the man I knew and loved was a very long journey. I know with every fiber of my being now though that staying with Xh and somehow trying to ride it out would have completely destroyed me mentally and physically, not to mention the financial fallout. He did not care, nor does he seem to care now.

I have found myself referring to Xh by his name more and more. I found that when I referred to him as "my Xh" it seemed to close for me. The more time I spent with the person in my life now, the more it felt odd - for me  and no one else - to have Xh seem like a close person when I used the word my next to him. He was once "my" person. He is in my past, but that pesky word "my" bothered me. It seems silly, but I realized that in order to move past my own hang up about it, I needed to try and eliminate that possessive aspect for myself. It strangely helped me detach more.

Now, when I say I have detached more, it doesn't mean I somehow have banned any mention of him. I didn't have one of my famous bonfires and burn his things or memories of him. I did clean out more things that no longer have a place in my life that were his or ours, but most were just things that maybe were decorations, etc. There were no tears. No fanfare. I found new homes for them after first asking the kids if they wanted them.

I had a weird trigger that I haven't had in a long time and it revolved around the start of school. The first day of school for 2 years in a row I had been hit with BDs - 1 & 2, followed by my finalized divorce papers arriving the third year the first day of that school year. It took some serious work to move past that trigger in the past, and I had shaken it - so I thought. Unfortunately, there were a couple of other things that simply piled on and I was a little rattled. The fact that I was triggered is what shocked me more than anything and I admit it made me pretty emotional. But the emotions were really more about being angry and upset with myself for being knocked down by it at all after so many months.

Summer and fall have not been without some Xh interactions. I have not seen him, but he contacted S and asked to borrow S's trailer awhile back. S asked me if it was okay. That made me laugh and I asked why would I care? S said Xh would have to come and pick it up and Xh was concerned I would maybe find it awkward. S and I both laughed when I responded "only if he makes it awkward". I told S that I wasn't going to run and hide, but Xh should not expect some invite in for dinner either. If I had seen him, so be it. I would not be unkind and said to S that I was more concerned about it being awkward for he or D. S ended up delivering the trailer because he had to be in that part of the region for a work related job. Now S is aggravated because Xh seemed in a rush to borrow the trailer, but has yet to return it or even use it.

D tried to yet again be the one to reach out and present an olive branch. She and S went on a trip and she came across some of Xh's favorite candy, which is hard to find. S delivered it and Xh right away thanked S, who said it was not from him. Xh reached out to D and said thank you. She opened the door for him and he peaked through and then has promptly slammed it shut again. She gave him an easy in. No pressure on her end, but clearly it is too much for him. He proceeded to go away the next week and asked S to watch the cottage and psycho dog and never once mentioned it to D. S assumed that Xh and D were back to talking. Needless to say S felt bad when he was the one that mentioned Xh had gone on a road trip.

Then came the shock that I am still trying to wrap my head around as are both kids. On his trip he decided to get a tattoo. That would not have really shocked me. The giant tattoo on his back was a shock. S only showed me when we were discussing something else and it opened up the opportunity to share it with me. He in fact asked me if I could guess whose tattoo it was. Yah, I had no clue. Now, it seems Xh is planning on a full back tattoo, which had S scratching his head last night and saying to me that was not on his Bingo card. Mine either. Gotta admit.

I think the most frustrating thing to come up happened last night. I have had some very unexpected expenses that really cut into my little bit of savings deeply and I was already frustrated. Bouncing back from this financial mess that was directly related to the MLC months and in part by me not putting the brakes on any of it has been a battle. And I do realize I probably wouldn't have been able to it anyways, since by the time I realized what was going on it was like trying to stop a runaway freight train. It is funny when life now kicks me financially, I get frustrated but it is nothing like last night's frustration that zapped my energy immediately.

I had come home from work and was worn out. I had been very busy and thought missing a step at work was a good idea and fell down the small flight of stairs. I was banged up, but not hurt badly. Today, I am just achy and have friction burns in a couple of spots from the fall. Nothing serious. Just felt stupid. So, I came home and was trying to relax. Then D informs me the internet wasn't working properly. I addressed that and had to call back again today. Then another question and some other stupid issue. I sort of laughed and figured it was not the night to take on any big tasks. As D was making dinner, she paused and said that S wasn't going to tell me, because he took care of it, and didn't want to upset me. It would seem that S went to pay a medical bill for his recent Dr visit and they informed him that he had a past balance from 2016 of $400. I was processing the whole thing and then D said the reason S didn't say anything to me was because that was during the divorce months. S would have been 18.

Let's just say I was beyond upset. I was upset because it is part of the mess of funds Xh was supposed to take care of. Just like the taxes he neglected to deal with at that time and I ended up paying. It made me feel so incredibly stupid for not knowing this existed and embarrassed. I try so hard to be responsible, even when I don't want to be. It feeds into the narrative that Xh used that I was the one who ran up credit cards and destroyed our finances. He sold that story to all who would listen. So here I was feeling like I somehow have just proven him right. I know - it is not necessarily the reality, but I was mortified. I was upset S was left to clean up a mess that should not have been his to clean up. Yes, he is an adult, I realize, but that time period was so tough for all of us. I felt bad he felt like has to protect me from the mess.

I went to bed last night feeling shame that I really shouldn't have felt in reality. That whole time period, I was lucky I was functioning at all. I have already forgiven myself for only being able to just get up and go to work most days.

This morning D and I went out to deliver a piece of artwork of mine that was accepted into an exhibit. We stopped at the coffee shop and she pushed me aside when I went to pay for our order. She shook her head and said it was on her. She said she realized last night that I am the reason she and S have a roof over their heads and I have kept my promise to both of them to help them get on their feet so they can have some stability. S has been able to make some good financial moves that will help him in the long run and D is able to focus on grad school applications and deciding her next move. As we drove home she said she sees that she and S do help around the house, but maybe they both need to contribute in other ways too.

Maybe it is what needed to happen. IDK. I am still licking my wounds over it all. I have to have S get me a copy of the statement, because I simply want to know what the bill is even for, considering I carried the health insurance at that time. I suspect it has something to do with immunizations and such for college, but it is frustrating.

Part of the frustration is wrapped up in my own feelings of embarrassment. I am still working through those feelings. It is not just the financial embarrassment right now. It is also that I am angry that the MLC BS just reappeared. When will that just stop haunting me?

On the plus side - at least it is just sporadic and not a constant. If anything it reminds me when I feel this way, that this is how I felt for months when MLC was just a daily event. I couldn't get any footing. I cannot imagine feeling this way daily and it amazes me that I survived at all. Maybe I just needed a reminder. 

[UrsaMajor]

<snort> - you were the one that mentioned herding cats.. I just gave the visual...

As far as

It is also that I am angry that the MLC BS just reappeared. When will that just stop haunting me?

goes, I wish I had an answer... Maybe when the Mid-Lifer croaks over? or we croak over? I mean, as long as there are kids in the mix, I fear there is always the lurking landmine around somewhere.... Maybe once the kids are totally grown and on their own, all the rubbish will have been cleared out... Who knows. I mean, 2016 is 7 years ago so that is going a LONG time back.... If stuff THAT old can pop up now.... UGH!

[MadLuv]

I think with kids you are always connected and with that can come triggers. My kids are fully grown and they haven’t seen their Dad now in 2 years. That alone brings issues my was as I am the parent still involved.  It hard. Being the sole responsible parent. No one to bounce off of with frustrations. Taking on everything alone. That cup of coffee on your D says it all. A little but “BIG” acknowledgment that your seen for being there!!

I have to remind myself daily of the things that I am grateful for big and small. Still, you’re allowed to have the days that you are triggered or sad. That life isn’t fair. That this situation that was thrust upon you has lasting effects on your psyche. Thank you for sharing. Again, a reminder that their are ebbs and flows in this journey and that is normal in a anything but normal situation .

[Nas]

I have found myself referring to Xh by his name more and more. I found that when I referred to him as "my Xh" it seemed to close for me. The more time I spent with the person in my life now, the more it felt odd - for me  and no one else - to have Xh seem like a close person when I used the word my next to him. He was once "my" person. He is in my past, but that pesky word "my" bothered me. It seems silly, but I realized that in order to move past my own hang up about it, I needed to try and eliminate that possessive aspect for myself. It strangely helped me detach more.

Really interesting, MD. It's so funny, I have the exact opposite feeling. Calling him by his name feels so present and familiar, like he's still someone I know. If I said his name, it felt like he was somehow there, or would be there - not like I was conjuring him up in a Beetlejuice kind of way  , just in that familiar way you speak of friends, colleagues and other people in your life by first name with no qualifiers.
 
On here, I usually say "former H" but IRL, if I have to speak of him, I say "my ex" and after saying that for a while, it started to feel very right. "My ex," my past.

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & MadLuv - fortunately the triggers are fleeting and infrequent. I think the last one really just surprised me, as I hadn't expected that response. As for the "haunting of the MLC past" - I worked through the aggravation. I suppose as long as I have kids with the X, then I am going to encounter these things. Fortunately, most are simply small bumps in the road. It is not worth chasing after him over, frankly. I am able to get upset and then move on from it quicker.

Nas - I have been thinking about your response, in that I wonder if for me it is easier to do so because I have kids with him? IDK- In my case it is easier to make him just some name that is in my past. It does certainly bring up the idea that we all have our own ways of moving on and finding methods that work for each of us.

Earlier this week the college had a day designated for special events open to faculty and students. Normally, I have attended the art area events as has my one colleague. Neither of us were really terribly excited about the event this semester, and I think in part that was largely due to both of us expressing really needing a break from it all. We decided instead to go on an excursion for the day to a couple of museums. I have gone with him before on another such day event and it has been such a good experience. He is relatively new to the area and not many people will entertain the amount of time he may ponder a piece of artwork. I on the other hand, will. The last trip we took the one museum says it takes the average person 45 minutes to see everything. We were there 4 hours. Assessing the individual pieces and then admiring the overall curatorial aspects of the exhibit spaces. Yah - it is not something I could do every time I go somewhere, but none the less, it was a great day. And, he and I have become good friends. He is a very private person overall, but I know he probably needed this get away more than I did, as he is dealing with some difficult personal decisions regarding a family member's care.

He shared with me something that set off a discussion and he caught himself, as he asked me a question and I answered about the divorce. He apologized he might have brought up something very painful. The context isn't really important nor the actual conversation, but what struck me was it would have once been very painful to talk about. It didn't even make me wince or feel sadness. It was a bit strange. I explained to him that it was sad when it happened. It was brutally painful, but for some reason I think that part of me has healed. It is a moment in time.

The kids have both been bringing up some memories as of late from their childhood. It has been fun talking and sharing. It is odd because these are things that were painful for them for sometime. Those memories from when things were different and life was pretty good before the whole MLC BS. And, it wasn't that any of us were wishing for what was. It has been different this time - the memories they are bringing up - like they have reached a point where it doesn't hurt as much and it is okay for them to talk about.

I think part of it is both kids have been making more efforts to spend time with my family. S briefly visited the X last weekend, but wasn't there long. That sort of surprised me, TBH, but S said he wanted to go with my F to visit my F's cousin's farm - a trip they used to take together regularly when S was little.

It is not that I wish for the kids to somehow detach from Xh's family or him completely. I wish he would get his head on straight, but this whole new quest for a full back tattoo and such has all of us scratching our heads. It is just so completely opposite of what any of us knew. Add the change from the F who went to every event the kids had to barely seeing them now is really so strange. Xh didn't even know S changed jobs within the company he works for because they haven't really spoken.

Today, both kids brought up my parent's anniversary which we have been planning. We aren't having a big party, as they don't want anything like that at all. Instead, we are planning a luncheon with the immediate family. My parents are really looking forward to the event. What came up today was the kids mentioned my parent's 50th anniversary party and then the 55th. The 50th was probably during the winding up for MLC to hit, but Xh was very involved with helping me get tickets for a theater event that was sold out. He was able to get tickets through a client of his and it turned out afterwards, my parents were able to go backstage. They had a wonderful time. We had arranged a dinner at my sister's house afterwards and I had a cake made similar to their original wedding cake. Their 55th rolled around and I barely recall much of it at all, TBH. I was so steeped in the weight of what was going on at that time - the divorce had been finalized a year prior but I was digging my way out of debt and just trying to get the kids off to college, etc. Xh was playing games with support and so on. It felt like it would never end.

Time flew by and now this year, it is a different scenario. The biggest concern about any of the event is selecting which cake to order - LOL.

Today, I thought about some other triggers that have healed over. Some are things I had to work through. It dawned on me that the triggers I have experienced are not all the same. That is, some certainly were PTSD type of responses. I found those harder to work through. Some I have had to face head on and others have been a continual process of healing and having people there to support me. That support was not always having people telling me things I wanted to hear. It involved sometimes having to work through some reality. It was not easy.

My journey to my current relationship has certainly not been linear. If anyone had said this is where we would be now, I would not have believed it, even when there were times I wanted more than I had. There was a friendship that has never really gone away. There were some rough patches and misunderstandings, but I now realize those were blessings. I was truly not ready for a relationship with anyone of this nature at that point. And the funny thing is, it dawned on me today that it has lead to something way better than it might have had things progressed quicker. I have thought about it a lot and strangely I am grateful now for the way things have unfolded. The ups and downs of our lives needed to shake out the way that they did for me to feel secure again and have this much trust. I don't know where it ultimately leads - it is not like I have a plan. LOL

It leads me back to maybe why the use of "my" started to bother me in regards to the X. He is no longer "my" person and while he is part of "my" past, it seems odd for me to refer to him in that possessive way. I think as my relationship has progressed, I began to feel as if it was almost disrespectful for me to refer to him as "my X" to the man I am with (and not because he has ever expressed any such concerns). Perhaps it is because of the kids that made me decide to refer to him by name or when they discuss him, as their F. IDK - I wonder if I didn't have kids with him, if I would have felt differently. Or if he had been a vanisher as opposed to his current state. One of those things I will never know the answer to and ultimately probably don't really need to know. I do know I wouldn't want to relive any of that part of life to find out the answer. I shall just be okay with accepting it is what I am comfortable with.

[Treasur]

You write so well, MD, that this isn’t the first time I have found myself recognising  something you write as something familiar that I had not found words for. I think our BD timings may be similar, even though are circumstances are different, so it looks like that darned Time thing may play a part lol.

I don’t talk - or think often - about my former h. If I do, it is bc old mutual friends (who still seem to find what happened strange and inexplicable) ask something like if I have heard anything about him or heard from him. Or I am telling one of those ‘I remember when’ anecdotes that pop up in casual conversation.  It is rare though and I use his name or call him my former h. There was a time when like Nas said, it was more ‘he who shall be nameless’ and for some strange reason my xh did feel like a possessive of something I didn’t own, that did not belong to me. The divorce as opposed to my divorce works the same way. But somehow ‘my former h’ seems to speak to my past and my life when I did have a role filled called husband….odd.

What resonated with me though is that slightly surprised feeling of things that no longer hurt. I can feel a little sad about it, still a little bemused at how I got from old there to that there, but it does not hurt now. Perhaps it is just overwritten by the real and remarkable gift of getting from that there to this here 

I also nodded at the tangible difference between the kind of triggers that I think of as echoes and the PTSD flavoured ones.

One of the biggest differences - apart from how they physically feel in my body - is that the former feel to me like they are about others and more external whereas the latter are about me and definitely internal. So, for instance, I had a big number birthday recently and, along with all the lovely bits, there were some echoes that made me feel a little sad that I could not share my birthday with my parents or the person who used to be my partner as I used to do. But these feelings, that seem very normal to me after loss, are entirely different from the PTSD ones that almost always left me feeling like a beached fish. And they did not come with that exhausting aftermath of self doubt or vulnerability or unease. Chalk and cheese.

One of my best birthday gifts strangely - and I know you and others here will get this in a way that others in RL do not - was being sat on a train en route to a fancy lunch in London hosted by a chum and suddenly realising how content I felt. No racing heart, no gasping breath at the top of my chest, no ghosts, no anxiety at all….just me, a good book and the chug chug noise of a train. What was even stranger was that I seem to have acquired a kind of beginner’s eye, almost a child’s eye, on things and places that used to be very familiar…..it was the oddest feeling of seeing things like they were new to me without the overlay of PTSD I suppose. Plus of course some things were new bc the world didn’t stop just bc I did for a while 

That felt like a tremendous birthday gift to me.

I also want to wish your parents well on their anniversary celebrations. When I was in the deepest darkest grass of grief about losing my own family, it was such a comfort to me to hear stories about yours. I think perhaps it reminded me of what had been real in my own family life at a time when I couldn’t touch it, how normal it is to care and be cared about like that, so it was like a kind of long distance hug. Thank you for sharing them with us virtually.

[MourningDove]

Thank you, Treasur. 

My parents had a lovely anniversary and it was nice to have everyone together for that event. It was low key and that was what they really wanted. The restaurant's staff was truly amazing and D picked up the cakes we ordered on our way to their house afterwards. It was an easy day for everyone and my parents were happy to have all of us together, especially since this Thanksgiving it will not be the case. My sister and her family are traveling. S is not sure what the schedule as, as he has not been informed. D's BF is having surgery prior to the holiday, so it is really just D and I with my parents this time around, which is so very unusual.

I took time off last week - at least I attempted to  I still found myself not able to free myself completely from being pulled in different directions, aside from the times I snuck around and didn't let most people know what I was truly doing. I am convinced that at the moment the only way I am ever really going to be able to get uninterrupted time away is if I go away for a time.

This week has been draining, which might account for me being a bit more sensitive to having a trigger that is just bubbling under the surface. It is a PTSD type of trigger and I recognize it and then a couple of additional things piled on last night. One was S informing me Xh was going away last minute and S was going to watch the psycho dog for the weekend. It was not the dog watching that rattled me more. It was where Xh is going. In the grand scheme, I really am not upset about it, but it did jar me a bit more because it simply piled on the trigger which I was in the midst of trying to really work through. Then D came home and was teary eyed and I wondered what was in the air.

D's tears were complicated. She had asked for reference letters for her grad programs. The one person she asked was her physical therapist. The road to that physical therapist, I now realize was truly a gift. D's initial injury and the complications from that came at the worst possible time, as it was just before BD #2 and Xh was already checked out as a father. He came to the hospital the day of the surgery with D and I, but he didn't stay at the hospital during the surgery. He came back to pick us up and take us home and refused to go the pharmacy on the way home. I recall telling him one of us would have to go and he begrudgingly waited at home with D. He was outside pacing when I arrived and as soon as I got out of the car he was off, no doubt to see Schmoopie. 

It would be one of many times he pulled stunts like that. Later it would be him refusing to attend her cross-country meets because she wasn't running. Then again, he never had gone in the first place, when prior to that I can't recall him ever missing any game or performance or open house when the kids were growing up. Nope. OW was all he could focus on, like a lovesick teenager.

D was pulled out of school and tutored most of that year. It was hard for her. Her days were filled with physical therapy, etc. Xh showed up to one therapy visit and proceeded to try and start an argument with me and I was keenly aware of us being in front of large plate glass windows where the whole practice could see us. I made him move away from the windows so as not to create some spectacle, but by then, D had seen it and it is a moment that I still can recall vividly.

That physical therapy practice specialized in sports medicine and they were excellent, but it would be months later when one of the therapists realized D had something else going on with that injury that was out of their specialty and recommended a different practice. And they were right, as the doctors confirmed D had experienced a very complex injury that required a whole other level of physical therapy. It completely took running away from her. That crushed her. That was something she had loved since she was little. This new therapist took over and at first D was apprehensive of his approach. He knew it would take time for he and his staff to get her to trust them. They came to realize that some of D's lack of progress was in her own head and I remember he once asked me if there was something else going on with her. His practice is more of a mind and body approach. It was not like they tried to play counselor, but they were mindful of the other things going on in her life. The progress, physically has been very slow.

The doctor visits were on going. D knew the doctor's schedule better than he did. It was a running joke in the office. She knew which office he was in and when because of the countless visits. The PT practice adopted her like one of their own and when they found out she wanted to go into PT, they have been her biggest cheerleaders.

D has been going there since 2016. They have become like a surrogate family to her. She doesn't go nearly as often, but after being rear-ended in a car accident earlier in the year, she found herself back there again.

She told me last week she has been quietly training for her first 5K since her injury. It is a huge thing. I have played it down, as I don't want her to feel pressure of any kind. I have offered to take her, but only if she wants someone at the finish line, as her BF will be recuperating from  surgery that day. She has told me she will let me know. I have kept it to myself, but I have secretly been so excited for her. For her be able to run again, is a joy. The pain she is left with is manageable and she has accepted it will always be there. She has worked on strength training and knows how much she can push herself safely. It is not about winning a race for her. She just wants to be able to run.

Yesterday though, was not about the race. It was that she informed me she had asked the owner of the practice to write her a letter of recommendation for graduate school. She didn't want to know what he wrote, and he respected that. However, he did reach out to her after he submitted the letter. D read it to me and I too teared up. The truth of the matter is, he is a wonderful father to his kids and a loving husband. He has been in D's life more consistently than her own F and he has sometimes been like a F to her in that she has sometimes asked him for advice, etc. He has been this wonderful role model and I laughed several times over the years when he would kick her in the backside and tell her to knock it off if she was being ridiculous. I have had great admiration for him for a long time, as he is just a really good person.

The email he sent yesterday was to tell D that he is proud of her and she should realize that no matter what, she has over come so many obstacles and has persevered when sometimes she just wanted to quit. He told her that he and his staff have been so very blessed to have been able to witness her growth.

It made me so proud and happy for her but probably piled on to my trigger, in that I know that letter is a double edge sword for D. The feeling of being tossed aside has been hard for her to shake at times.

My trigger, is more of finding myself feeling not good enough. It is very bizarre how these things bubble up. I am working through it. It makes me mad that it is even a feeling I am having. Stupid triggers.

[UrsaMajor]

The email he sent yesterday was to tell D that he is proud of her and she should realize that no matter what, she has over come so many obstacles and has persevered when sometimes she just wanted to quit. He told her that he and his staff have been so very blessed to have been able to witness her growth.

It made me so proud and happy for her but probably piled on to my trigger, in that I know that letter is a double edge sword for D. The feeling of being tossed aside has been hard for her to shake at times.

My trigger, is more of finding myself feeling not good enough. It is very bizarre how these things bubble up. I am working through it. It makes me mad that it is even a feeling I am having. Stupid triggers.

These last 3 bits .... SO many things come to mind, among them being that, in some aspects, D is fortunate to have someone like the doc and the staff in her corner despite her ..... (many NSFHS unkind names come to mind here) .... tossing her aside like he did with the rest of you all.... S is still useful to him (witness caring for the psychodog) but D isn't as she calls him out on his poop and that means accountability which he (like all Mid-Lifers) is NOT interested in knowing anything about.

As far as your own trigger.... all I can ask is why? Often, we  LBS's have this secret .... I don't know.... let's call it "guilt?" that we couldn't carry the whole show alone or that we couldn't make up for the failings/shortcomings/absentism of the Mid-Lifer but, well, there is / was only one of us and we were also not exactly unaffected by the way the Mid-Lifer behaved. We too were trying to find our way out of the infinitesimal pit of despair that we had been tossed into rather unceremoniously by the capricious and malicious actions of the Mid-Lifer.... We do the best we can, we did the best we could and, unlike the mid-lifer, we chose to learn and grow  and deal with the consequences instead of escape and avoid. We chose to be accountable, we chose to be responsible. Did we do everything perfectly? Were we able to accomplish what we would have been able to accomplish if the Mid-Lifer hadn't gone bat-snot off-the-rails crazy and done all the incomprehensible stuff they did? No, of course not ... But the bottom line is that we did the best we could with the resources that we had at hand at the time and we can look back at the face in the mirror and tell ourselves that we done good.... .

The fact that the GWPWELFV is off to someplace strange (I can hazard a guess as it is mid-November and he does tend to be predictable in these things) just proves that he is still DEEP in the tunnel and that is NOT someone who D could even begin to rely on, let alone begin to rebuild a relationship with. He is not interested because he is not interested in accountability or consequences.....

I wish D all the best with the upcoming 5k. Finishing will be a major boost and a milestone on her way back from the injury.

Daughter is reflecting mom.... Indomitable spirit, undeterrable drive.... the path to the end may not be as straight or as easy as hoped for or planned but the goal(s) will be accomplished.....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Funny, I just reread my post from last month and strangely I had a different situation this month. So much so that it shocked me, but not in a manner like being rattled. The shock was my lack of emotions.

S had gone to Xh's to pick something up and decided to stay overnight since it made little sense to travel back home for the night and then to work the next morning, as it would have added unnecessary mileage on. Knowing S was going to see Xh, I had boxed some things up for S to give to Xh. They were items I have had buried deep in a closet where I store the holiday decorations and the dreaded divorce box has lived in that storage area as well. In that storage area, some of the boxes contained items MIL made for Xh, and some other items that were really only important to Xh. I know why I initially kept them, as there was a time that I figured maybe Xh would come back and want those things.

I could have easily tossed most of the things, but in all honesty, I was having a hard time knowing that MIL had made them. Part of me is somewhat protective of MIL, I suppose. She wasn't easy to deal with early on in our relationship, in part because she was an alcoholic and she didn't think I was good enough for her "baby". I learned many years later that was largely based on BIL #5's narrative, which looking back makes sense. As time went on though, I behaved as I always had, and MIL would do a complete 180. She had quit drinking and was doing the work on herself. She owned her misdeeds and would later become a really wonderful grandmother to our kids and she and I grew quite close. It was largely in part because she was accountable and she and I spent many hours talking about her life. I came to realize that MIL drank to cope and in the end I at least understood how perhaps her life choices lead to her alcoholic tendencies. I will admit in her quest to make amends, I perhaps learned some things that I didn't realize would really benefit me when Xh went off the rails.

I will say that I am certain MIL's untimely death was a huge catalyst for Xh's crisis. He never got over her death and it was especially hard on him because they were just on a good path with one another when she got sick. He had his mom "back" for only a handful of years.

My MIL had told me on her deathbed not to live life the way she had. This was before there was any trouble in my marriage, but I remember thinking how sad that comment was. She said she wasted her life waiting for FIL to return for one. But she also never faced any of her fears. She kept to her life, just cleaning and cooking, rarely having any other activity. She said when she died her kids would remember her for being an amazing cook and that she kept a very clean and organized house. Sadly, that is pretty accurate. It would be nearly 10 years later when Xh went into MLC and I didn't realize those words would haunt me.

So, in some ways, I think I wanted to respect MIL and honor some of the small things she did do. She was more than a housewife and was actually incredibly talented artistically and an amazing seamstress. Once she let those demons go, she could laugh until she cried and make the rest of us laugh along with her. It was my thoughts about her and the love she poured into these things for Xh that made me decide they needed to go back to him. They were never mine to keep and they are not things the kids would have any attachment to. They have their special things from their grandmother.

Along with those items I included some other items students made for him along the way, etc.

I sent them with S and I didn't think about the fact that it was Xh's birthday this week. It certainly now explains D's mood - with the holidays and his birthday and no contact again. 

Friday morning, I received a text. I saw Xh's initials, well - okay - he is listed literally as MLC in my phone. I did that months ago and I admit seeing it as MLC on my screen strangely helped me over time to sort of prepare myself before answering. It wasn't done out of malice, tbh. His name used to just rattle me to no end when it showed up. Now, it is so very rare when I see it at all. He thanked me for the items and said that it was really thoughtful of me. I simply answered he was welcome.

I returned to thinking about someone else entirely and it wasn't until later I realized how that had been so very transactional. Almost like dealing with a customer at work. There were no emotions attached. Not even anger or sadness, etc.

It isn't that I am deluded enough to think that those emotions might reappear in some manner - considering triggers are certainly a possibility still, for whatever reason. And anger or annoyed is a common theme when he continues to hurt the kids or does something so utterly text book MLC that I can't help but feel something.

I was talking to a friend of mine, another LBS and she laughed at me. She understood completely why I was so shocked by my own reaction. She commented it is a freeing feeling. That knowing that the MLCer is maybe in your past, but your present and your focus has moved on to your current life and to other people in it. And it is true.

I must admit, the process of boxing up those things, lead to even more cleaning out of things that were Xh's that have no connection to me. Last night, I spent some time pulling things off of my den shelves and put them in new boxes. These boxes I will ask the kids if they want the items or not. They are beautiful objects, but they were things that Xh brought back from trips he went on without me. Not gifts for me, but souvenirs he had. Or the gift my niece brought back specifically for him and S - a chess set when she was traveling abroad. I am keeping some of the things he gave me or were things we maybe bought together, but not because of the memories attached. Like the vase that was a gift for our wedding. I have always just loved the vase as an art object and love the way the light goes through the glass. It is part of my past history, perhaps, but not the reason I am holding on to it.

Looking back to why I was triggered last month - I am starting to recognize part of my pattern with the triggers is often the same - and it involves exhaustion. That time period was right in the midst of a stressful stretch in my semester. The ebb and flow of the semester is something I may not be able to control completely, but at least I am aware of it. It is in this awareness that maybe I need to remind myself when I feel it coming on to manage my exhausted state differently and be kinder to myself. It is a process. 

[UrsaMajor]

Looking back to why I was triggered last month - I am starting to recognize part of my pattern with the triggers is often the same - and it involves exhaustion. That time period was right in the midst of a stressful stretch in my semester. The ebb and flow of the semester is something I may not be able to control completely, but at least I am aware of it. It is in this awareness that maybe I need to remind myself when I feel it coming on to manage my exhausted state differently and be kinder to myself. It is a process. 

It is a process that begins with the recognition of the causes.... Yep.....

BTW - how was D's 5k?

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - D didn't end up running that race, due to weather conditions being very rainy and cold. She was concerned with the surfaces being potentially slippery, which was not beyond the possibility, knowing the course. So, she went to the gym, where she completed the equivalent of a 5K on the treadmill. That was really her goal anyways. She was never really concerned about the actual race. The race gave her the needed "commitment" aspect.

It isn't that I am deluded enough to think that those emotions might reappear in some manner - considering triggers are certainly a possibility still, for whatever reason. And anger or annoyed is a common theme when he continues to hurt the kids or does something so utterly text book MLC that I can't help but feel something.

Funny how quickly that the MLC textbook behaviors returned, but then it is the holidays so why should I be at all surprised? 

Xh and his sister invited S to dinner for Christmas Eve. It would seem Xh also was not going to be home after dinner, and was staying somewhere overnight for Christmas. I wasn't even curious as to where Xh would be. There would have been a time when that wasn't the case.

S was again put in an awkward situation by SIL, as she assured him the day he was invited that she would take care of making sure D was invited. S stayed out of it, which was wise. He didn't find out until yesterday, after the event that never happened.

D had brought up Xh and how those family dinners were difficult for everyone involved, so she wasn't upset. She said that a lot of work needs to be done with she and Xh for dinners to even be possible. Otherwise they just devolve into awkward events where Xh puts on a facade just long enough to make it seem like things are fine. D can't put on the same type of act and she is aware of it.

D may have expressed being fine, but I knew that was probably not the case. It would come up with my sister later and I could feel my blood boil. As my sister and I discussed it, she agreed with me that as much as I would like to call Xh or his family and give them what for, it is pointless. It would only cause more problems.

The part that upset me the most is it is evident that this "works" for Xh. The narrative he has going. He has spun that he hasn't heard from D at all. Not on his birthday or any other days. Hmmmm- l confirmed with D the last time she heard from him is when she reached out with the candy she bought for him on her trip. His favorite candy that is tough to find and she thought enough to buy him some. She thought it would break the ice. She got a thank you and that is it. Nothing since then or before then. No contact what so ever.

Oh sure. I know. He is mixed up and in pain, blah, blah, blah. Like it or not the reality, this victim status works for him. He knows what he is doing on some level. It is very much like someone who has an addiction that they know is bad for them, but it makes them feel good in the moment or it allows them to avoid the pain somehow so they keep doing it. Part of me wants to have some type of compassion for him and there are tiny moments I still do, but it is much harder when I have D who is affected. His behavior makes it very hard for her. What his family fails to see is it is not that she doesn't wish for a relationship with him, it is his behaviors make it painful for her and they don't allow for her to put boundaries in place with their own input. They feed his victim story and have never thought to actually ask D. Instead, they put her in a very bad spot. It then translates to her being viewed as if she is a porcupine, and she can be bristly. Yet, as my sister said to me last night - D can be very difficult to deal with but she also is the one with the softest, kindest heart at her core. She puts up the force field as a defense mechanism when she is struggling. Even D is aware of it.

I had all I could do from wanting to get in the car last night after having the discussion with my sister and crashing the X-in-law's festivities to give them all a piece of my mind. I shook off that feeling. It would not help at all. Instead, I changed my focus to the fact that S had shown back up at my parent's house last night with D and I. In the living room I could hear them both laughing and clearly enjoying being around each other. Had I gone with my reactive spirit, giving into my desire to go voice my disdain for my x-in-laws would have resulted in a very different scenario from the obvious love between D and S. Nope. I will not be the one to keep driving a wedge in the relationships. D and S are clear about the situation between D and Xh. D does not hold S's semi-relationship with Xh against him. It may hurt both of them from time to time, but D has told me that she will not be the one that drives S away from Xh and S should not have to experience what she has. It is hard for me to feel that way about it, TBH, but I know ultimately I cannot do a thing about it that will change it. It is way beyond my control.

[MourningDove]

At the end of last week I had a text from Xh. It was phrased in such a way that lead me to believe he wanted to tell me something about S. He asked me to call him. I did. Am I sorry I did? Hmmmm- that is where it gets murky and not for the reasons I might have anticipated.

I was mildly triggered initially - I admit, due to the nature of the call. It had to do with he had been contacted by someone claiming they were trying to reach me for an unpaid credit card debt of $5K. He then called S and S said he had a similar call. S didn't answer the call at all. Xh did and spoke to them long enough to get some info, but didn't give out any other information, fortunately.

I was sitting there listening to him ramble on about how he was going to call my parents, as he would have in the past - but said he has changed. I could feel my blood starting to boil and wanting to just go on a rant, but I bit my lip. For one, I was the responsible one in the relationship and he blamed me in MLC for the financial issues. Yup, I will admit, I was guilty of letting him just take over and run amok. That is my crime. And he used to tell anyone who would listen that I was the cause of the problems. My parents were often told stories - most which they knew were false, but it still was hard for them to not start to question things. I started to believe that narrative as well while the many months of gas-lighting went on.

After Xh left, yes, life has not been easy nor pretty at times. I had to deal with the fallout and I have endured those moments of just muddling through to get back on my feet. It has been humbling, but I have worked my freaking butt off to try and keep it all afloat. Keep the kids in the house and get them through college. That was my primary focus during that awful time. Now, I am just trying to iron out the remaining wrinkles.

I had to pay for things that Xh left for me to clean up. The unpaid house taxes, etc. I didn't bring any of that up in this call. I was not going to engage with him over this. I listened to him ramble on about how he felt he should talk to me and let me know because I have the house. That phrasing was a bit off-putting - I didn't somehow end up with everything and make out like a bandit.

This is not a rant about all the money he really should have been paying. I have moved on from that. Not worth the price of my sanity, but this call sort of ruffled my feathers.

His next comment was something to the effect of I had the kids. I didn't bite.

I simply replied that the call was probably someone phishing because I have worked my a$$ off getting out of debt and I was really quite upset by the possible perception that is out there about me. I also told him I appreciated him not calling my parents, as they have aged considerably in the years he has been out of our lives and they do not need to be worried by such things, true or not. It is not their issue to be concerned with. Xh said he was glad he didn't call and he really has changed. Then he said to me that he was so happy we could talk the way we did in that moment. And he thanked me again for sending the things of his with S. Like it was in the old days. I simply thanked him and we ended the conversation.

The next day it had snowed and I went out to clean off my car. I then proceeded to clean off D's car, which made me laugh because Xh in MLC land would be irate when I cleaned snow off of his car. How dare I? He then would accuse me of trying to manipulate him because I was being nice. LMAO - considering it was always something we did for one another when life was "normal". As the snow came tumbling down off the windshield, I laughed, thinking back to how much that upset me at the time, not really seeing the lunacy attached to that.

My initial trigger from the call didn't last. There was no anger at Xh, but I was still dealing with a misplaced feeling - one of guilt as if I had done something wrong. But, I had nothing to be ashamed of and it just was an old feeling of being accused of something I hadn't done.

I realized that while I don't want a relationship with Xh, nor do I want his input in personal matters, I don't want to be angry about MLC either. It happened. It is a horrible part of my history and I am glad I no longer feel the level of pain I once did. I will always be connected to Xh because of the kids - or at least as long as he has some contact with S. The situation with D is a whole other story and it is not getting better - that I have some anger over, but I cannot fix it. I will accept my moments of frustration are okay.

What all of this lead to was me embracing a real attack on things that I have avoided because of the pain associated with them. Stupid things like tax paperwork from the MLC period, etc. I went through the boxes that have been stowed away and shred years of paperwork. I came upon the divorce year and realized that at the end of this year, I will be able to get rid of those papers too, except for the necessary ones I should keep.

I then boxed up more of the things that belong to Xh or were really his. The kids can decide what they want out of the boxes, but the rest, I am sending Xh's way.

As I was going through the one box, there was a small book. I knew immediately what it was and because of Xh's rant about S's x-GF at the time and what went down, I realized it was a small book of photos S had rescued for her from the rubble of when her house burned down. I set the book aside and will scan the photos for x-gf, who D still talks to regularly, and make sure she has the photos. I shook my head and thought about that whole time period. MLC just blew up all of our lives and the man who behaved the way he did with S's then GF would have made pre MLC Xh bristle.

None of that matters now. Those photos back then were painful for that young woman, as they were all she had from her childhood photos. I set them aside and told D that I am going to scan the photos for the former GF and fix the damaged ones. I will give her the original damaged ones but she should have the "healed" versions of that time of her life.

[FaithWalker]

I'm sorry you had to have a convo of that nature with xH.  Ugh. 

That is very sweet of you to fix the photos for her.  I love it!

[Reinventing]

MD, yes a phishing and very irritating that they reached out to him. Sorry that happened.

Only LBS would chuckle at this lunacy and understand how this type of thing really happened leading up to BD.

I then proceeded to clean off D's car, which made me laugh because Xh in MLC land would be irate when I cleaned snow off of his car. How dare I? He then would accuse me of trying to manipulate him because I was being nice.

In addition to chuckling, I also feel empathy for the LBS while remembering how manipulative and crazy that time was when we didn't know what was going on.

[UrsaMajor]

If I wasn't on the wrong continent, I'd drive to xH's family and give them a right royal dressing down...



Regarding the phishing, S should keep an eye on his card just in case xH blathered on a bit more than he should have.....

[MadLuv]

Wow, I’m still on he almost called your parents. That is crazy talking there. So, glad he didn’t. The cleaning the snow off and him being irritated. I can look back and remember many of those now and being so confused, but understanding now that if I was being nice than that was not fitting the vision of me he needed to justify his actions . I think it’s sooooo healthy to get to the place when you don’t want to be angry. There is a time and place you need that anger and it serves you and a time and a place where it no longer serves you.  Once you get there you know you are getting yourself back. 

[MourningDove]

Reinventing, UrsaMajor, & MadLuv -

Looking back now, I see that there was no winning with whether or not I cleaned off the MLCer's car of snow or not. Like so many of the moments in that time period, it was going to result in "damned if I do, damned if I don't". Had I not cleared the snow off of his car while I was out there, I would have fallen into his narrative of being a thoughtless, and selfish person. Then when I did clean it off, I was manipulative. None of those words would have come into play prior to this whole madness as it had always been something we did for one another for years. It is why the gaslighting and changes in behavior really shake most of us to the core, IMO.

And there have been plenty of those moments over the past few years. The only change I can vouch for is the changes in myself and my reactions. IDK where Xh is in this journey. I have my suspicions and some blips of information that come in from time to time.

For instance, this year S is watching former SIL's house again while she travels. So, I see S very little and as it is he is staying near Xh, when I do see S, he will sometimes confide in me. I don't ask because it is not my business any longer, especially since the kids are adults.

A couple of weeks back, S called me and said he couldn't come for dinner midweek, as he had been doing since Xh had taken a job and someone needed to go feed Xh's dog. I paused a bit and S told me that Xh is struggling financially and was offered a job in addition to his one client, but it was a long commute. When he told me where the job was, I knew OW was probably involved, as it is in her town. It is a good thing it was a phone call because I know I rolled my eyes and sarcastically "oh this will end well"  .  Xh lasted a two weeks. It wasn't for him - working for someone else. Hmmmm. You don't say. 

That is my LBS response to the scenario. The truth is, it is sad. I don't feel bad for Xh, but it is sad to see such destruction, when I know what he is capable of and what he had prior to blowing up his life. This is what he wanted though it would seem. He had worked to build a highly successful business from the ground up. Had a second one launched that he could have sold, but chose not to. His MLC had kicked in by then and his partner in the business suggested they sell it, but MLCer's ego wouldn't let go of it, so instead, he just quit doing anything with it and it died a slow death. Then came the out of no where decision to fire all but one of his clients because he wanted to travel and then it was build homes for people in third world countries, followed by other ideas.

The thing was, I was always telling him to ease up and we could live a simpler life. I saw how he was pushing himself to burnout level leading up to the first BD. We both had always been workaholics prior to having kids, but somewhere, I learned to adjust. I think it was really when the kids were born and I knew I couldn't have it all. Xh and I decided at the time I was the one who could walk away from my full time work status and spend more time at home. I never gave up my own things, but I adjusted. Xh was good about balancing his work and home life right up until MLC, but he sometimes needed reminders.

What struck me was S telling me the other night that Xh quit working on another idea he had and it was gaining traction. I remembered, as I had joked about changing the QR code he had on his vehicle, with a sharpie marker. He had that project ready to launch and go full tilt. And, I have to admit, it was a brilliant idea at the time. S told me that Xh just suddenly lost interest in it. Again, he could have sold the business and had offers. He didn't protect it and now someone else is running with it.

It doesn't bring me some sense of joy or vindication knowing any of this. It could be Xh is very content in his life as it stands now. For me the conversation with S didn't bring me anything new to the table. It has become somewhat odd to realize that back when the whole cleaning off snow from Xh's car time period, I would have held on to every word and dissected it, hoping I could somehow figure out some way to help Xh and put things back together. I so desperately wanted things to go back to "normal".

I had to put a pause on my quest to clean out paperwork, etc, as school started back up. It has been a very hectic start to the semester. It will level out, so I am not concerned.

This morning, while waiting for a meeting online, I pulled out some papers to go through and in the mix was a small slip of paper with what was something I had written out. I know when I wrote it and it was in the middle of my work day and I was in my office at the time. I needed to clear what was going on in my head so that I could return to class. I had a meeting with the attorney the next day, regarding the divorce I certainly didn't want at the time. On that slip of paper I described how I felt like life was so completely out of control. I likened the feeling like being pushed from an airplane and realizing the main parachute malfunctioned. The feeling of free falling and trying to get the reserve chute to deploy. Once that deployed, then having a bit of a feeling of relief only for a few seconds before finding myself entangled in a row of trees just dangling above the ground.

The feeling at the time was such complete unease. Dizzying at times. Thinking I was never going to feel like myself and I would just spend life twisting in the wind.

Yet, somehow with a lot of mirror work, time, patience and a whole lot of other ingredients I found myself in a whole other place.

I certainly could make some comment about how if only Xh had done the work, or had hung in there, we could have worked through it. The thing is, I am not sure I believe that now. That is, I am really beginning to believe that the universe or God had other plans. Xh's freewill changed the trajectory. I had a choice to make. Stay the course or change. I opted for the second - kicking and screaming at times. For me, it was the right decision to make.

[UrsaMajor]

When he told me where the job was, I knew OW was probably involved, as it is in her town. It is a good thing it was a phone call because I know I rolled my eyes and sarcastically "oh this will end well"  .  Xh lasted a two weeks. It wasn't for him - working for someone else. Hmmmm. You don't say. 

 

I certainly could make some comment about how if only Xh had done the work, or had hung in there,

Ah yes.... If only..... If only I had a million dollars... If only cows could fly.... if only.....

If the Mid-Lifer would have only done the work they needed to do in the first place, this would be a VERY quiet web site/forum but.... That is not the way they roll.....

Yet, somehow with a lot of mirror work, time, patience and a whole lot of other ingredients I found myself in a whole other place.
<...snip...> I had a choice to make. Stay the course or change. I opted for the second - kicking and screaming at times. For me, it was the right decision to make.

That choice - ripping off the band-aid and applying iodine to the wound - is what the LBS has to do at some point or another anyway in order to grow forward in their own lives. For some that takes longer than for others. It IS hard work and a hard road to travel but, int he end, it brings the LBS to a better place, regardless if it is reconnection, or going off on our own paths......

[MadLuv]

You know I find with MLCers they just get bored easily.  They want the success but they also no longer have that drive that they originally did. It is hard to watch, however my XH is rising from the ashes. Getting some success back and higher paid position again. I think that is where his focus is. You xh seems more  scattered with not a clear focus. No matter what they do they dont balance life at all!!

I also am more towards leaning that maybe the universe just knew to het me put of that situation. I have always hated the quote “Everything happens for a reason” ( as losing. A child its a hard one to agree with, but I will say that I do feel our lives are already mapped out and maybe we dont control as much as we think we do and for that reason maybe the saying is  true. I also agree that 3 years in from BD2 and I feel pretty darn good. I wish my D33 was not distancing form us all, but I have also just learned to appreciate those that do show up in my life and just continue to be the best person I can and make the changes that I feel that I need to make.

We really do become better human beings for having gone through this all

[MourningDove]

Thank you UrsaMajor & MadLuv.

I am trying to think of what word to use to describe my current state of mind. Furious? Seething? Frustrated? IDK

Part of me is annoyed because this goes back to a mandated part of my divorce and knowing Xh didn't comply. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not upset by having to carry life insurance on myself for the kids' sake, but there has always been this pebble in my shoe over the fact that I have followed every "rule" and the like and now because of that particular policy, I am having nothing but aggravation.

Okay, so in reality - that is to say, I know that the current situation has nothing to really do with the MLCer by now, but it is just one of those things that was still attached so to speak. I had recently updated the policy and changed companies and I am having nothing but difficulty with that original company now. When I originally filed the paperwork to cancel the policies, they charged my account then went on to claim I let the policy lapse. Hmmm. Nope. They had paperwork I filed asking to cancel the policy and said they never received the request for the other policy. Funny, that paperwork was sent to me all as one packet and went back as one packet. They have "lost" paperwork? Seriously? They have charged my account again, but for only one of the policies, when they shouldn't have. I refiled paperwork last week and sent it overnight with a required signature and now I got a letter telling me that I owe a premium and if I don't pay it, I risk basically any payout of the cash surrender if I don't pay it. I am pissed, because I would be getting money back. This has been going on since the end of November in one form or another.

Again, I know it is not Xh's fault. It just brought me back to a feeling of knowing how this whole thing started in the first place. I felt like I was forced to do this at the time and I had little say. So, I know my anger right now is rooted in a bit of a trigger and not really in any type of rational reality. And, I am not going to rip the customer service rep's head off. That is not how I roll. But, I am feeling a bit rattled at the moment.

It comes during a time when I have honestly for the first time in a very long time really felt like things related to any MLC past were behind me. When D's support ended I had cut the ties to those things that no longer were "required" and while I still have a will and insurances in place to protect the kids, they are decisions I made without some court mandated aspect.

It is not about not wanting to somehow never have any input from anyone else.

I think part of me is just super sensitive this week after having really faced so much of the painful paperwork that I had to hang on to up until now. Seeing it all again and shredding it has been cathartic, but this is really getting under my skin.

I left a message for my insurance rep, who called me back immediately. He is not affiliated with this company but carries the bulk of my other policies, including the new policies I updated. He is sending out the "troops" so to speak. This is not the first person he said who has had trouble with this company.

I am tired of the MLC past biting me in the butt. Truly. I am just going to have a really good cry by the end of today at this rate.

[UrsaMajor]

Insurance companies are the absolute worst...... They try anything that they can in order to scam their clients out of money. I can fully understand your anger at them. I hope that you can show that they are wrong and that you get your payout!

[MadLuv]

I get it. I was laid off and have no insurance at all now and recently severly hurt my back, but decided to wait it out and aee if it would repair on its own . I also found myself cursing my XH for not having insurance and for not being able to go back to my original position in the company we both worked as he had to many EA with subordinates and so cant go back therre.

I find that I just keep saying to myself that it is what it is and atleast I am not him.

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & MadLuv - it took me all day to chase after answers and that was probably part of my aggravation about all of it. Having to deal with an automated system to get me even remotely close to talking to someone and having music on a loop as I waited did not help me at all.

When I first connected with anyone, they informed me they had no record of my forms being received. Then tune changed when I told them someone has them because I sent the forms yet again last week. I also mentioned that my mail was express delivered and a signature was part of the deal, which I confirmed had in fact happened. Then I told this person that I realize they are simply there to answer my questions, but my frustration level was really very high at this point and I have documentation, including emails, with notes from back in November. Then I added if this wasn't resolved then I would be contacting their state's Attorney General's office to report this activity, since they sent me this letter about how if I didn't pay the month's premium, the insurance would lapse and I would forfeit any right to funds due back to me. I added this statement is for an account that should have been closed back in November - per the signed forms I had now sent twice. My guess is the words "Attorney General's office and reporting an issue" might have been motivation enough for them to miraculously tell me that they found the paperwork and that I had a check coming which they sent on the 28th of January. Hmmmmmmm. That was Sunday. Perhaps that is true. 

Yesterday, I received said check. Sent in an overnight package. SMH. Unbelievable.

It is hard to convince me at this point that this is the game this company plays, hoping most people don't realize that if they paid into a whole policy they should get something back after a certain amount of time. This policy had been in place since before the divorce, so well over 7 years. Suspicious at the very least. I wish I could just chalk it up to human error or some bad business practice other than something that now feels like it was done on purpose, but the whole thing feels like it is more than just bad business.

I think why this rattled me more than usual and brought me back a bit to the MLC era is that I don't like conflict. I truly don't. I will fight if I need to, but this made me feel like I had to needlessly protect myself, much like when I was dealing with the divorce, etc. I don't like calling on that part of me to "do battle". It is so against my general nature. It brought up some really uneasy feelings in me, much like when I was accused of things by Xh or when I had to produce documents to prove something I knew the other party full well knew was some BS they already knew was false accusation. It felt like wasting my time.

It lead to me having to eat a quick dinner, shower and then go back to work on what I really needed to finish up for the day - my actual work. I was up until 2 am prepping for my Tuesday class and addressing the other classes, such as emails, etc. I was up by 6 am yesterday and had a full day. Even after going to bed early last night, the after effects today are there.

The after effects are more than just the late night. It is that feeling I felt when I as dealing with the MLCer BS - that type of physical and mental drain. It was not some kicking and screaming behavior on my part. Maybe that is part of the stress. Inside I wanted to just yell and kick and scream, but I had to control my inner feelings and channel that anger.

Fortunately, I know how to better deal with recuperating from these moments than I was back then. In part it is allowing myself to be okay with being angry and frustrated. It is being okay with me protecting myself and having to go outside of my usual demeanor and be more forceful. I still will never feel comfortable having to go to that part of myself. Maybe it scares me a bit - that I have it in me to feel so incredibly angry and frustrated. IDK

No matter what, today is a different day. 

[UrsaMajor]

Unfortunately, it seems that some companies seem to have decided that fleecing consumers is a good way to inflate profits and keep their shareholders happy and, hey, as long as no one screams so loudly that it garners official attention, they have nothing to loose. Therefore, I'd suggest that the hint of the state's Attorney General probably scared the bejeezuz out of them because, once an investigation like that get started, it tends to uncover a whole multitude of issues - can you say "Class Action Lawsuit" or "criminal investigation for embezzlement?"  Doesn't look particularly good in a companies portfolio.....  They expect that people will either pay up or simply drop the matter and count it as lost funds....

I am glad that the check showed up finally. That is one less thing that you have to worry about long-term....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor- I really was trying to chalk it up to some human error or oversight, but it is hard not to see it as exactly as you describe. I am going to let it go on my end, but I certainly won't be doing any business again with that company or its affiliates.

This week seemed to just be a never ending week. I put in very long days all week long trying to get ahead of the semester. With last weeks hiccup on the one class - a tech issue, it seemed to just muck up the works all around. Today, I THINK I finally at least caught up enough to breathe a bit this weekend. It doesn't mean there won't be other long days or exhausting moments, but I am back on track and ahead in a couple of instances. Next week, at the very least, I shouldn't have days that start at 6 am and end at midnight or later, or at least not an entire week where it was like that.

It felt good today being able to see my college checklist completed by noon, after having had a week where it felt like nothing was lining up properly. Today, the loose ends that I couldn't complete due to a variety of almost comical bureaucratic hurdles. Things like forms being changed for different things and I would fill out the first form, only to find out that there had been additional forms added to the process, but those forms are in a completely different place than the first form. It all fell into place today and I was almost not believing that I had actually been able to truly close out each of those incomplete projects. I kept thinking I forgot something, and even funnier is I was able to jump onto the project for next week and get ahead on that as well. Of course, next week I could go in and find out that I forgot something - LOL

As a whole, I am honestly really excited about this semester. I picked up an independent study with a former student of mine who graduated and now has come back for a second degree. My students are really enthusiastic over all and that makes it so much more enjoyable. The make up of the classes have several students who are just hungry to learn and it is contagious. Other students often feed of that level of energy, so I am pretty excited. I am also prepared for those off days or frustrating moments, but my rosters have some of the best students we have in terms of overall work ethic.

However, I must admit, I am ready for a break this weekend, at least part of the weekend from academia. 

D went out for a bit tonight and S is still at SIL's. The dog has decided I need cuddling and I am good with that. I am grateful for the quiet tonight. 

[UrsaMajor]

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - aside from my dog being an English Lab, that is exactly how she behaves. LOL

I find myself letting go more and more of what was. I am not getting rid of my entire history, nor do I regret any of it. I had to go through a whole lot of hurt to get where I am now. I sometimes wish that weren't the case. I sometimes feel like I lost years. I sometimes wish I didn't have the triggers that still linger. Yet, I also have so much that I now can be grateful for.

I am fortunate to have someone in my life that brings me a sense of calm that I now find need. It is not a case of they fill a void or complete a puzzle. It is simply that they enhance my life when they are around. There are moments that I wish I could have met them years ago before the whole MLC fiasco unfolded. Yet, I am aware of the fact that there are things I now look at very differently then maybe I did back then. I have learned a great deal.

I also am embracing the excitement of learning new things.

Life has taken a strange turn as of today. I spent 3 hours helping my mother balance her checkbook. That has never been something she struggled with at all. The fact that she asked me for help at all was a huge deal. It sort of threw me into a reality that this may happen more and more.

I may be having to make a choice about the gallery if my additional course gets approved at the college. It is a temporary assignment and one I will enjoy, but it means in all reality I would have to give up some of my hours at the gallery or perhaps take a break or quit. I am not all that conflicted about that idea, which is surprising. Maybe it is life telling me to let go of it - IDK. I am not making any decisions yet.

In the past, all of these unknowns might have made me really nervous. It is still scary, but perhaps that is part of the gift of MLC that has emerged. That was such a huge change in my life. It felt like the earth completely gave way under me and I was just dangling from a cliff never sure if I could climb back up or if I would lose my grip. I really am not sure how I ended up where I am now. Some of it seems like a blur, TBH.

Xh, or my "was-band" as my sister is now referring to him as, really has obliterated his relationship with D at this point. His relationship with S is not a whole heck of a lot better. It is there, but not in the same manner it was. I realized a long time ago that while I am sad it is the way it is, there is absolutely nothing I can do except maintain the relationship I have with the kids. I have bitten my tongue many times when I have sometimes wanted to say something to the kids out of frustration about their F. I don't most times.

I have destroyed some of the documents that were part of the divorce proceedings. I considered keeping them. Part of me wanted to let the kids see to what ends I went to protect them and keep them in the house, but I realized that it really was just a need I had. It would bring no positive changes to the situation. It would potentially open up old wounds or recreate the dynamic my in-laws created in their divorce, which I believe is largely part of Xh's FOO issues.

I strangely feel like this year, now into the 8th year since BD #2, I am ready to let more of that history go. I will keep my wedding photos and important moments so that the kids have some history. I find those photos feel almost like a lifetime ago. They don't make me sad or nostalgic. It feels for me as if it is someone I dated in high school or a long ago relationship that ended. For me, grieving it and treating it as if Xh died honestly was my best course of action. Certainly at one point I wanted something different - a different outcome. Maybe I just didn't have it in me to wait it out. IDK. Yet, I also am realistic about how things were unfolding. I would never have survived the financial aspects of what was going on. Digging out of that alone has been difficult. Xh didn't care that if I lost the house, etc. He was of the mind that I could just move in with my parents and the kids would be fine. He was hellbent on making some new life. At some point I had to wrap my head around that and quit thinking about the wishes and dreams I had. It was hard.

Now, looking back, I realize how strong I have become. It is not always perfect. Maybe it is the simple things like the dog snuggling me that makes me grateful for those simple moments.

[MourningDove]

I found out some news this past weekend that has me in a bit of an odd mood. It is really hard to even pinpoint a label for the emotion.

Last week had been a good week, albeit very hectic. I had a wonderful weekend leading up to last week. Combine that with classes going well and some other decisions I have made in regards, to my life, I was honestly in a really good place. Aside from fighting a cold that is still teetering between taking hold and behaving as if it is on its way out, I have really been feeling good. Tired, but a sort of exhaustion that comes with having accomplished a great deal. A satisfied type of tired.

This past weekend, I was making really good headway on projects I have been wanting to put to rest. The dog and I had gone for several walks with the nice weather. D was in good spirits. I saw S, briefly, as I had to run some errands and he was off to work on a side job. I saw him again before he left to go back to former SIL's house to continue his stint house sitting.

D had been working extra hours the past few days and it has been good for her. She needs the distraction, as she waits for replies from graduate schools. I was relieved to hear that she had been accepted to one program she had pursued, but had turned it down. I am grateful she opted out of that one, as I could hear the hesitation in her voice every time she spoke of it. There were too many things that didn't mesh with what she wants. I am hoping that she gets into this second program, but I am also glad that she has said she will be disappointed if she doesn't get accepted, but realizes that it may just mean a few more months off and working while she reformulates a plan. I will be surprised if she doesn't get in, but I am also realistic that it is a highly competitive program and they only accept a very small percentage. If she does get accepted it will mean she moves out in June and won't be far from home, but she would not be able to commute. It's a big leap. We will see.

She was on her way to work and had only been on the road a very short time, when she called. I could hear in her voice this wavering and that told me she was on the verge of tears. I thought maybe she had been in an accident. I took a deep breath and really did not expect to hear what she had to say. She was going to continue to go to work and try and distract herself, but BIL 2 called her to let her know that the other former BIL - #4 was in the hospital and it is really not sounding good at all. She didn't have details nor does BIL 2 at this point. Tests to be run, etc. D was grateful that BIL 2 let her know, but that comes with complicated emotions. Why hadn't her F called her?

I hung up and reached out to BIL 2 via text and simply told him everyone was in my prayers. S didn't know at that point, as I had just spoken to him right before D called. He was having a great day and enjoying the sunshine and warmer weather. He would have been a wreck had he known the news, as he is close to that uncle.

I found myself feeling very odd. BIL 4 and I had our issues after he had his own MLC and left his W. However, prior to even when the kids were born, he and I were actually very close - for years. I haven't seen him since my divorce. He was the first B of Xh's I met and we always got along. His W, I really liked as well. Xh and I spent many times with them both and their kids who were similar in age to my kids.

I am feeling bad for his kids and grandchild. I am also not really sure where I fit in this scenario. It is the first time in a long time that I feel like a true outsider and the only place I fit in this case is to be there for my kids.

I know this is going to send Xh into absolute orbit is my guess. He has not dealt well with his parents' passing nor his other two siblings. Jumping up and down on the grave the last round sums up where he is and from what little I do know, S has expressed concerns.

It is tough. I don't want to reconcile. I have feelings of compassion and sympathy for all involved, and yet, I know for most of Xh's family - I am still considered enemy camp. I don't want to be caught up in the crazy that comes with this. I think part of it is that I know the kids are going to be really having a hard time with this particular event. The other two uncles passing, while upsetting, were somewhat expected. There were long term illnesses and neither took care of themselves. This is different.

D stayed at work and it was good. She needed to keep busy. Last night the flood of emotions came out in some sadness, followed by anger, which made her lash out a bit at myself and her BF, who came late at night, even though he had already spent time with her. He was worried she would need a shoulder to cry on. We both pushed back. D was mad at me at first for reaching out to BIL 2 without telling her. I understand why, which is a complicated story and not worth retelling.

I explained to her rather firmly that she has to understand that I had a connection to this uncle way before she and S were even a wish. I had known this BIL since Xh and started dating, and S didn't come along until 4 years after we had been married, so it had been already 10 years of knowing BIL. By then we had formed a bond. I told her that it is hard for me to know what my place is. I didn't know if Xh knew or S and it wasn't my place nor did I have the full information to tell them. I told her I understood it was complex for her emotionally, because Xh should have been the one who had called her. I can't fix that. I excused myself for the evening and told her I loved her, but I was not the enemy and while I understood she was angry, I wasn't going to put up with it and her BF told her the same thing. She calmed down, but I excused myself and went to bed.

This morning, she apologized to me and gave me a hug. I told her all we can do right now is wait for more news and I told her that if need be, I would pay for her to go fly to be with BIL 2 and to be with the family. She thanked me and said obviously she has no idea what will happen, but she knows I am in her corner.

My feelings continue to be sort of that of shock. I am no longer Xh's person to come to for comfort, and that is not upsetting me, which is a feeling I never thought I would have. It isn't that I don't feel for him and it is sad. I would hate to think anyone is left with no one in their corner, but that is his own doing - and that is not some stubborn response on my part. It has taken me a long time to detach from that reality. And, I know I don't have it in me to be that person for him any longer. A very strange reality.

I think my feelings are that of how that BIL also upended his life and for what? His now X has moved on. He has 2 wonderful kids and a grandchild. IDK where he is in terms of the MLC trajectory. I know for a long time the relationship with his kids was very strained but it seemed like some mending had begun. Perhaps it is that part that is bothering me. I see my own D who has this non-existent relationship with Xh and it is his doing. No one kept him from the kids, which is a very different scenario. D has tried over and over and finally has set hard boundaries for her own mental health. I am here looking from the outside and seeing how someday this could be her own scenario where Xh is not well and nothing is resolved. Maybe it is seeing FIL's fate again that is stirring these emotions. He didn't make things right with Xh before he died.

IDK - it is just one very mucked up situation. I pray former BIL pulls through this. He was always at least a little more in touch with his emotions and I would like to have some hope that this is a wakeup call for him at the very least.

In the meantime, I am focusing on what I can control in my life. I walked the dog today and put up with her wanting to smell every blade of grass. Oh, sure it took double the time it should have, but maybe that is what I needed to clear my own head.

Part of my new or renewed promise to myself with some of my decisions is to build in time for things like walks and just time for myself to be creative and be inspired. The walk today really helped me to recharge. My feelings- those I am accepting are just in some weird, unexplainable area at the moment. And that is okay.

[FaithWalker]

That is tough MD.  I know I still very much care for many of my x-inlaws, but it is a different dynamic after divorce then it is for a death of our spouse, especially since we weren't the ones to want to separate from them all in the first place.

[MourningDove]

FaithWalker - I think I was really thrown by the strange emotions I was feeling. I was in shock, for one. Being a bit of an outsider in this situation was rough, but it was more of seeing how D was affected. She would not have known a thing had it been for BIL 2. And BIL 2 kept me in the loop as well, so that was thoughtful. It was never a case of him giving me specifics, but he did take the time to address me separately from the kids. It was never a group text situation, which I must admit in this instance, I appreciated.

The dynamic has D drawing more boundaries with Xh. She admitted she lashed out at me and her BF the first night. She had every reason to be hurt and angry and confused. I understand the situation was difficult for Xh, but he didn't have to call. He could have texted her. He told S, and S has not been around, so he assumed Xh had told D. I am grateful both kids know that it is not either of them creating the issues and they don't take it out on one another. For that, I am grateful, as I do not want to play referee. It is also different than what happened in Xh's family when his parents divorced. So far, neither of my kids have taken "a side". The kids and I often joke that the whole thing was a "effed up experience" and there were times when I certainly didn't not behave in a perfect manner. I will own the times when I reacted or behaved in a way I would be embarrassed to admit during that time period. I may have had my reasons, but it doesn't mean it was okay. And, I will admit to being human and imperfect overall. I am certainly aware of my own shortcomings that have nothing to do with MLC. They maybe were just more prevalent during that time.

The good news is, BIL made it through the surgeries and is at least out of the hospital. I don't know the prognosis. I suspect no matter what, there is going to be a long journey to any sort of real recovery, whatever that may mean. I am not pressing for those answers. I don't have that type of relationship with the in-laws at this point where it is really any of my business. I have to remind myself to treat this a bit like a caring friend, who is not necessarily supposed to be made aware of specific details. I have made my peace with that. I was grateful that BIL 2, at least was willing to talk to me and he certainly understands that I am not some horrible monster and I genuinely do care.

Beyond that, it has been busy with school and other matters.

D was accepted in to both programs she applied for. I frankly was not surprised. She heard from the first place, which at one point had been her top choice, but after several things kept bothering her about that particular place, she made the decision that it was not the right fit for her. They had nothing to do with the school per se, but more about what she wants out of her choice of schools. So, then came the waiting to hear from the other school. She was a bit of a wreck for a time, but she had decided that if she didn't get in it wasn't the end of the world and she could either reapply or apply to other places in a year and work more to save money. It was shortly after she had made up her mind that it was going to be what it was going to be, came the acceptance letter. Again, she is approaching it in a manner which I have to admit is really remarkable, considering she is so wired to have things be very planned. This plan she has come up with, is not her usual approach and it shows growth on her part.

She initially was nervous, because the program starts rather quickly. She decided to take some pressure off of herself, by making the deposit, which in this case is not a huge amount. She said if she starts to feel too much anxiety, she could defer for next year. The anxiety comes with how her student loans would fall into place. That in mind, she has scheduled her open house for those people accepted.

I was laughing when the next request came up. I immediately thought of Mark Twain and his quote -

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

― Mark Twain

It would seem I have learned a great deal and suddenly D is requesting my assistance with this process.  LOL . D suddenly acknowledged that for one, I know a great deal about how colleges and universities work. After 35 years of being involved in academic settings, I should hope so. And, then OMG - she asked if we could go to the city where this university is, because I know that city very well - since I lived there while I was attending a nearby university. I just about fell over.

What all of this tells me is that D is planning on starting and she is ready.

The past few days though, there has also been another shift with D. She has always liked who I am with. That has never been the problem. The problem has been her abandonment issues have made it tough for me to find the right ways to merge this person into my life. I have not had them at the house for any real length of time. I am so grateful they are understanding and know that forcing D to accept things is not necessarily the approach. I have had to sometimes push back with D, but I am also keenly aware that she has fears, even when I am out with say people from work or my sister, she still worries I am going to pull Xh's MLC behavior. She realizes logically, that is not the case, but the triggers are there. I have had to remind myself of how long it has taken me to shake the triggers from that time period. So, it has been delicate. Those who have never experienced this type of divorce, just have told me to tell D that it is my life and my house. I know what their point is, and sometimes I have had to learn to be firmer, but not at the cost of creating a situation where D resents this person in my life either. It is not fair to them for one.

But ever since the university responded and D accepted, she has been bringing up this person. Regularly. I haven't reacted, only because I am not calling her out on this shift. It is an organic thing going on and it doesn't need me asking her to discuss it and dissect it with her. I think honestly, she is accepting she is going away and doesn't want me to be alone. She likes the reality that this person is good to me and she seems to indicate she feels a sense of security about it all. It may be because she is the one leaving and it is not abandonment. I will still be around.

Even when I discussed the upcoming weeks, where I will be away for a weekend. There has been no push back at all. She has happily said she will be with the dog and make arrangements if she has to work. She has in turn asked if there is a weekend she might be able to go away before she leaves.

In all of this, I am just shaking my head about Xh and this is another big decision in D's life he has missed. I will, as happened with both kids when they left for college be the one helping D move in. I will be the one who gets to have the headaches associated with it all, and on the flip side the joys that come along with it. The saddest thing about it all is that it is because of his own choices. No one has kept him from being involved but himself.

It brought me to thinking this morning, as I was in the house alone making my breakfast. I liked being married and in a committed relationship. I held on to such hope and wanted that reconciliation for a long time. I quit wanting that and this morning I wondered a bit as to why - and it was not because I am questioning where I am now, only because frankly I am really very happy with my relationship now. The truth in my case though was that Xh was such a monster and then the continued damage to his relationship with D in particular makes it so difficult to see any way where that would even be remotely possible. The other conclusion I have come to is that the MLC time period nearly shattered me. I was left to try and figure out who I still was, all the while trying to hold together things for the kids. The situation forced me to fix some of my own things - mirror work 101. It made me have to do things I never wanted to necessarily do. It boiled down to the experience has changed me. I am no longer who I was and the changes in my case, I don't see how they would ever work with Xh at all. My own changes would make that no longer a viable option, even if I were to factor in changes Xh might theoretically bring to the table.

I found it to be a comforting thought, tbh, this morning. I think because D going off again to pursue her education brought back the first time she left. That was a very different time period. I newly divorced and thrown into her last educational pursuits to deal with completely on my own all while trying to just stabilize the rest of things. Life is not perfect now, but I don't have that same feeling of chaos. It may be chaotic still, but if there are times where things are crazy at home, they aren't because Xh is leaving MLC landmines in our path.

[Reinventing]

Great post.

Is D getting a specialty masters in her field?

How is S's GF? Is she still in the picture?

[UrsaMajor]

Great post.

Is D getting a specialty masters in her field?

How is S's GF? Is she still in the picture?

Enquiring minds want to know... <lol>

Seriously though, I am really happy for D being accepted. That has got to be a load off both of your plates and it gives her a new perspective.

I'm also glad for her sake that BIL2 kept you all in the loop and that the other one made it through the surgeries.

As for xH, well..... What is there to say? If one doesn't do the work, one can not expect things to change, right? And, there comes a time when we (the LBS) have simply grown beyond what we were and have a totally different perspective that make a return/reconnection/reconciliation a moot point. That is the risk the MLC'er chooses to take when they decide to do what they do. Yes, they may be ill. Yes they are having a crisis but they are not mentally incompetent to the point of no longer being able to determine right and wrong....

[MourningDove]

Reinventing & UrsaMajor - D is still thinking of pursuing Physical Therapy, but this university also has research opportunities and the possibility of following into medical education. D likes the idea of being able to continue her research and tutoring, which is one thing the other program didn't offer. It was very straight forward - highly regarded as a great program, but more geared towards a more narrow focus. I think that was part of D's hesitation. Either way, she said to S, yesterday that she is feeling more and more comfortable with the idea of leaving home to follow this path.

As for S's GF. Yah. That is still a thing. It is not easy biting my tongue. She is not a monster, nor is it a case that no one will be good enough for my S, because lord knows, he is far from perfect. I just see so many red flags and things that are not going to get better. However, S is going to have to follow his path. I can only say so much and pray he sees the problems. Underneath it all, I know he is in no rush to buy a house and move out. I know why - even when he doesn't say it. She is not happy about it, but she makes no efforts to pitch in. S has out and out said to me he has a plan to pay off his student loans, etc and get out of debt before he takes on a house payment. Furthermore, I know he has expressed to both she and I that he is not going to venture into that type of expense if she doesn't pull her weight. He knows she makes less, so it is not about a 50/50 split. He simply wants some reasonable assurance that she is going to quit spending all the time on random $h!te and put herself on some type of budget, like he has. Sort of the idea that she sets some goals and starts putting any money aside. She hasn't and continues to spend on "things" to make herself temporarily happy.

IDK - maybe that is part of the thing that rattles me. The behavior she exhibits reminds me too much of the MLCer and buying material things or seeking out things to make her happy - never looking inward to see that none of those things are fixing her issues. She has no female friends to speak of. There is always some drama stirred up - often on social media. For someone nearing their 30s, it seems rather juvenile. S has little patience for that.

Yet, there are times she shows compassion and has her good side. It is the red flags though that just make it hard for me to see the positives and ignore the warning signs.

I keep hoping that it will fizzle out. It is possible I am going to have to accept S may be with her for the long haul. Until he has had enough, there is very little I can say or do.

[UrsaMajor]

IIRC, S has also had a "learning experience" with C and the whole house debacle so he is likely hesitant to saddle himself with a huge debt until he has some security that it will not be a "wash-rinse-spin-repeat."

And he is 100% spot-on to insist that, if GF wants in, she will have to contribute and pull her weight... Good for him!

I am really happy for D that she has found "the" program that she wants and was accepted. That has got to be a good feeling.... also for you as "Proud Mama (Bear when needed)"   

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - you have a good memory. Yes, S had a "learning experience" with C. Funny you call it that, because last week, my M was fretting over what a mess that all was and unfortunate that S and C aren't friends. And she was upset C has never paid a dime back on the over $7K S put into the place. My response was S has learned from that experience and it was unfortunately an expensive lesson. I am not too sure that settled my M's feelings on that topic, as it is her first born grandchild, and she is insanely protective of him in particular. LOL

Like it or not, as I have certainly found out in my own life with the MLCer, some lessons are expensive. There are many things I would do differently if I could, but it is not possible. I didn't own a crystal ball then or now. Frankly, I was so focused for a long time on Xh and I reconciling and saving the marriage, that I probably would have ignored a crystal ball's forecast anyways. Unfortunately some of life's lessons are painful and in my case were certainly costly. I allowed the finances to get completely blown up. I have accepted that even if I had tried, I might not have been able to completely stop it. I have also accepted and acknowledge my own role and I am paying the price. I have had to rebuild and that is okay.

Along the way there have been little rewards and things I can be proud of. This past weekend, I was very pleased with myself. LOL. I had been promising myself I would get a new bed frame for myself after hitting some goals. It was an expensive endeavor, so I did a load of research and have been putting it off for months, because I wanted solid wood and some other mandates. I have antique furniture in the house as well as newer, but I am fussy about the quality. I tend to invest in things that are going to last a longer time. I finally gave myself permission to splurge when it went on sale and it arrived in two containers. The funny thing was, it had said "some assembly required". I knew that was going to be at least the case due to having to ship it and the side rails, etc would need to be assembled. Turns out, that was not the case. It was a full assembly. Game on. LOL

The instructions said two people should be able to put it together in an hour and a half. I was alone this weekend, and decided to tackle it as far as I could without help. I figured out a way to work around not having that second person and within 2 hours, I had it up and assembled. S came home from helping out a friend, and he started laughing. He knew I had to have taken the boxes apart downstairs and taken up sections by myself. He was very impressed when all was said and done. In part, because with my stubborn streak, I have been known to push the limits. I was more thoughtful about it this time. No need to end up at the doctor with an injury.

That little reward was a big deal for me. It was not about doing it on my own. It was that it has helped push out those residual feelings of Xh telling me I would not be able to be alone in any way.

My reality is this. I can be alone. I can do it on my own or know how to ask for help more than I did in the past. On the flip side of it though is something else. And it is a conversation I had with another LBS friend of mine. She had encountered several women who want no part of having a man in their space. They want companionship but would not want to share any part of their home, etc. This friend was perplexed by this. I laughed and said I don't entirely get it either. It is not a demand either of us have, but we realized we are not possessive of our homes. We like sharing our life and spaces.

What came out of the conversation was that some people don't understand that when for instance she or I say we like our alone time, it doesn't mean all the time. In fact, it is that we don't want a shadow who is constantly around at every moment. We like having things that our significant others have their own things they like to do and don't require us to be there all the time and visa versa. I sometimes need just an hour to myself to decompress or read a book. It isn't a constant daily need.

For me it is very much like when the kids were little. I loved my kids, but there were just times in the day that I needed even half and hour to go for a walk or something. Sometimes I wanted to go to the grocery store and not have extra "helpers" - including Xh. Most times we did those things together and it was nice. We had a routine. But there were just times when I wanted a little bit of time to just be by myself.

I like having someone in "my space". I accepted there were going to be little things that would drive me nuts and conversely, I have things that drive other people crazy. Hence the need for space from one another, but that didn't mean separate rooms. I was allowed to go into the garage and hang out. No one was banned from using my art room. I only ever asked that they respect some of the materials, etc - along the lines of knowing certain brushes had specific uses and needed to be cleaned in a certain manner. Or my fabric scissors were not to be used on paper. Beyond that, it was not uncommon to have my kids working at the drafting table on homework or projects.

That brings me to D.

I am a "Proud Mama". Extremely. This is not small feat, but I am keeping my mouth shut and let D discuss it when she wants to.

When it comes to D and I though. She and I are at a point where she needs to go out on her own. I have realized that I don't have the patience I used to for certain personality traits. Unfortunately for her, she has enough of Xh in her - which is not bad by any stretch of the imagination - that I no longer have the same tolerance for the type A aspects. I was able to handle it with Xh for a long time. I probably would have still tolerated it if he hadn't gone and boarded the MLC Express. I have changed too much. I have accepted that. I need someone who is not as intense as D is all the time. And, I love her with every bit of my being, but we do not make good roommates.

She also needs to spread her wings. For her own self confidence. She and her BF have been together for 6 years and are talking about a future together. They are well suited, and I do hope it works out for them. D is at that point where she too needs her own space to grow. She knows she can come home and I am not renovating her room and making it into a walk in closet for my shoes (her joke) - and no, it is not that bad - I am able to keep my things in my closet and dresser just fine. LOL

Each day she seems more and more sure of her decision. She shared the news with the person who has been in her corner for so very long and who has been a father figure to her in many ways - the physical therapist she sees. His wife was so thrilled and made sure he was there when D shared the news. He told her that he was not surprised by the acceptance and he knows it is a top school. He reminded her that anything she needs, be it advice or clinical work, etc, to just reach out. He has a place for her and also has many contacts he is willing to allow her to use. I think that helped D feel even more confident about her choice. He also told her that no time was ever going to feel "right" completely and it was okay to have questions or fears along the way. It is a matter of weighing those feelings against your gut and of course some solid answers on certain things.

She goes tomorrow for her first "accepted student" tour. She is preparing for several other types of visits and has me promising I will make time to go with her. Tomorrow she is also going to scope out the housing situation and finally agreed with me that she should live on campus at least for the first semester and take that stress off of her plate. Just get her feet wet and figure out the lay of the land before jumping into an apartment. In the meantime, it will give her BF time to search for jobs in that area.

I have off next week and I am looking forward to the break.

[UrsaMajor]

Yep... Some lessons are very costly...

But, if they are taken on-board and learned then something good comes out of it.

As far as D is concerned, I expect it will be a somewhat bittersweet thing to have her move on campus but, to be honest, that is often where the fun starts and, as long as it doesn't get out of hand <cough, cough, we don't want to talk about it>, it is also a good learning experience.

[Reinventing]

I think she's an A+ student who doesn't get out of hand. Just my perception, could totally be wrong.

[UrsaMajor]

I think she's an A+ student who doesn't get out of hand. Just my perception, could totally be wrong.

I was talking about MY experience in student housing <lol>

[Reinventing]

I was talking about MY experience in student housing <lol>

.. should have known.....

[UrsaMajor]

I was talking about MY experience in student housing <lol>

.. should have known.....

Not to hijack MD's thread but .....

My first semester was an educational disaster and I ended up on Academic Probation. My roomie was also a freshman with a +9 on the Party-Hearty factor. 8:00 am classes were regularly blown off and my GPA was butt-ugly.
For my 2nd semester, I changed rooms and roommates - my new roomie was a Senior majoring in Classical Antiquities. My GPA went up to a B+ for the Semester so pulled up my year to a B-.....

[MourningDove]

Reinventing & UrsaMajor - D is very serious about her studies. I was the same type of student. I thrived on academics, so I am also aware of the other side of it, where burnout is possible. I have encouraged D to allow herself time to have some fun and to decompress. She goes out for a drink every now and again, but she prefers going to the gym or spending time with her BF over any partying.

[Reinventing]

I was smiling the whole time reading your experience in your first year of college, Ursa, especially when partnered with a classical antiquities major the semester you turned your attention to academics. That must have made for some fun conversations!

[UrsaMajor]

I was smiling the whole time reading your experience in your first year of college, Ursa, especially when partnered with a classical antiquities major the semester you turned your attention to academics. That must have made for some fun conversations!

And weekends in D & D tournaments instead of drinking contests

[MourningDove]

Reinventing & UrsaMajor - You both have me laughing. Fun conversations, indeed with someone in classical antiquities indeed. As for D & D tournaments, not my thing, but then nor were drinking contests - might be why I found myself working long hours in the studios.

FB has a way of bringing up memories. Most of the time, I laugh or smile, but don't really spend a great deal of time sharing such things. In fact, I really don't spend a whole lot of time sharing or even looking at FB. I often do a quick browse to see if a couple of people, such as a couple of my nieces who travel extensively have posted any photos of their travels. Beyond that, I try to limit myself and not get sucked in for hours on end. This morning a memory popped up that would have at one point in time set me off into a major upset and it would have been days of recovering from a trigger. It is not upsetting me at all, and in fact I am really just shaking my head and wondering…

How did I even make it through to the other side of this MLC nonsense? How did I make it through that evening even - because somehow I didn't let on or managed to put on a good facade? Did the people we were with have an inkling at that point that something was so incredibly off with Xh?

The memory was from 9 years ago today. I recall that night even without the "reminder". It was after BD #1, which had occurred that September. Things were still not great, and I was deep in reading how to books about how I could improve myself. "I was the problem" - so I believed and quite frankly was lead to believe by the words the MLCer spewed in his monster moments. I had enrolled in the usual save your marriage programs. I was taking financial classes about home finances. I hadn't gotten into HS at that point. I was fully immersed in improving myself so that Xh would see that I had changed. 

For the record, I don't think any of that was a waste of time. It gave me something to focus on instead of just constantly falling apart. The financial classes, were educational, although it is extremely amusing now, considering I was not the one who should have been taking them at all or adhering to them. I wasn't draining our accounts. Yet, even those were not a complete waste of time. For one, most of the classes had couples there - working together. Not me. I was the sole person showing up to do the work. In fact, in many respects maybe it was the universe preparing me for what I had no idea what was coming down the path and I would really benefit from knowing how to rebuild your finances after ruin. I had no clue at the time how bad Xh would leave things. I had always been the responsible one. Who knew?

But, this particular night, came months later. After around Christmas time realizing I was not the only woman in Xh's life. Okay, maybe I should restate that. I was not the woman Xh wanted in his life. I was a problem for him. Oh, he did notice I was making changes, and I do think that confused him for a time. I was getting some fight back in me, much like he was used to when I met him in college. I had self-confidence that I know had slowly been broken down, largely in part by FIL's presence in the house and the chipping away by what I now know was Xh going into crisis. It is not all his fault.

That is not it. Like anyone, we go through periods of needing to push ourselves and grow. Life ebbs and flows. For me, my career was changing and the kids were growing up. My role was changing. I probably could have navigated it had FIL not been in the house. That is one regret I do have. I never should have agreed to that, but who am I kidding? I don't think I would have won that battle. I convinced myself it is what was needed for Xh and FIL to heal their relationship. One flaw in that theory - neither were willing to actually do the real work to do that. 

At any rate, after finding out about OW, I kept my mouth shut. I didn't say a word, for one because I convinced myself early on that it was my imagination. And then the late nights became more frequent, etc. It would be on a February afternoon, when stupidly, or perhaps arrogantly, Xh asked me to check his computer for an email from his client. It wasn't like I was snooping. What he didn't realize was Schmoopie had sent an email - a very explicit email right as I was checking the client email. Then it was just me digging deeper as I sat there in shock - wanting to scream and to throw up at the same time. I remember the day really well. I put on the happy face, as the kids came through the door. I put on the good front as Xh came home. It was a really warm February day - unseasonably warm and FIL had gone south for the winter, so I didn't have that to contend with.

I was taking the laundry detergent out of the car and Xh asked me how my day was and why was I acting so weird. I lost it. I wasn't crying. I was not screaming. I just looked at him and out it came - just demanding to know how long it had been going on. He tried to lie and then realized I wasn't having it, as I calmly rattled off the nights he had been away and verbatim what Schmoopie had put in the explicit email she sent, recounting the last evening they had spent together and she wanted another round. Xh had tears in his eyes and said he hadn't meant to hurt me. He apologized. Then asked what I wanted him to do. He wanted to tell the kids and confess. I told him no, because it was not their issue to deal with and not something they needed to know about their F. I still feel that way, had Bozo not screwed up later by giving D his phone that he never erased completely.

What followed was Xh saying he wanted to try. It was Xh telling me he didn't think he could cut ties completely with OW because they worked together and had been friends. I stupidly agreed to this arrangement thinking it would cool down and things would be fine. I forgave him and took some of the blame. Looking back I realize though that the only apology that ever came was when I confronted him. He would immediately use ways to blame me moving forward about why he cheated.

That FB memory had been about a month after that fateful driveway confrontation. We had met up with our dear friends - the H had been the best man at our wedding. Their eldest S was touring colleges in our area and we hadn't seen them in a couple of years. The kids all were having a great time and our friends had no idea what had been going on.

We went out to dinner and the FB picture was of our dinner event. Our friend is a person who likes to document those times. The dinner was fun. It was still awkward with Xh and I, but he seemed like he was trying.

The thing is, I recall having a decent time. I know where we were, but most of that weekend was a bit of a blur, except for what happened as we left the restaurant. I had sort of picked up on it, but told myself I was being paranoid. Xh was on his phone a great deal and I convinced myself it was the client he had been working with, as they had a huge project looming. It would be outside of the restaurant when our friends called Xh out on it and the W grabbed the phone from Xh and laughed. The look on her face said it all. She out and out asked who Schmoopie was - as in Xh had a woman he had been texting all night long and there were photos. She was nice enough not to share what she saw or let on, but I knew from the look on her face that the woman in question was in fact OW. She did say to him in front of her H, that she would divorce him on the spot if he had that on his phone. Xh just laughed. I said nothing. He had changed her name slightly on his phone, but I knew who it was. I would be quiet the rest of the trip. Crushed.

Later when we had come home from the trip, I would ask him why he wasn't being honest with me. Hee would tell me that it was none of my business and I didn't have any right to ask and I should trust him. She was just a friend and I basically should just accept that, since he wasn't giving her up.

I put up with that for months, as the gaslighting kicked into overdrive. It would be summer when I realized OW had never left the picture and was helping Xh find a place to move to. I would be hit again with BD#2 in the fall, right on schedule almost exactly a year later.

The thing is today, that memory is still very vivid, but only because I had the reminder. Now though, it is more of a "wow, has it been 9 years since then" reaction.

I would have done anything that fateful night to make it all go back to "normal". The pain was horrible and I never thought I would feel any true happiness again. I was wrong.

The end of my marriage was devastating. I guess I no longer wished it had turned out differently. It is not to say I still don't truly understand it. The difference is, having closed that book, I wouldn't want to go back to that life. Seeing that "memory" today makes me realize that I honestly couldn't go back. It really would have meant rebuilding from the ground up and 9 years later, I am not who I was back then.

The truth is, I am happier than I have been in more than 9 years. That night - is now a blip in my history. 

[Dragonfly33]

Morningdove what a very nice update. I could relate to some of the feelings you described.it sounds like you are truly healed. It’s very inspiring to read your story.

[MourningDove]

Dragonfly33 - Thank you.

I have come to realize that the healing that has happened for me is complex. That is to say, that I have scars from this experience. Most times I don't see the scars or am no longer really aware of them, but there are moments that they become noticeable and sometimes still have pain associated with them. It has taken me a long time to be okay with accepting that reality.

The thing with that "reality" though, is while I am stronger in many ways and maybe in new ways, I sometimes find myself falling victim to some of the residual effects. I am learning that those things may always creep in and I have to allow myself to feel or let them go. The trick is to not let most of them take hold.

Today, I came across something in my closet I had forgotten about. The object in my closet was a shadow box that I had assembled after my wedding. I am a bit of a romantic, and had kept flowers from my wedding and carefully dried them. I had arranged the small blossoms against a piece of cloth and it hung in our apartment and then in our hallway for many years. I only put it away after the pain of seeing it when Xh hit me with the first BD too painful. I stuck it behind suitcases I rarely use anymore. Today, I was going through those suitcases and deciding which ones I wanted to keep - if any. There was the shadow box. It didn't rattle me. It didn't stir emotions along the lines of sadness nor anger nor any other thing.

Now, I have kept my wedding pictures and things from my wedding for my kids' sake. I no longer get upset or nostalgic about it, which sometimes feels a bit odd. I have no intention of getting rid of those. But these flowers - they somehow seemed odd to hang on to. I know why I held on to them before. Just as D has the first roses Xh gave her when she had her first ballet recital, which she had me frame in the same manner I had this collection of flowers.

I pulled them from the frame and decided to have a bit of a ceremonial fire in my fire pit. I had considered a bonfire. It was not out of some anger that I wanted to burn them up. I could have tossed them out, but somehow I had this urge to burn them much like people burn sage in a ceremonial way. I didn't let the kids see what I was doing.

I realized that maybe today I really needed that little bit of letting go. I had felt a slight bit of that self doubt creeping in and Xh's MLC monster accusations creeping in. I know what had brought it on earlier in the day and if left to take hold becomes a bigger battle with myself.

I think part of it is I have truly moved on and the relationship I am in now is my focus. As I looked at those flowers, what dawned on me was I am okay with the wedding photos and my past with Xh. I no longer want things like flowers from Xh around.

I am still a romantic sap. That hasn't changed. Maybe I am just making room in my life for different things to hold on to. 

[Reinventing]

Totally get this.

[MadLuv]

I think that sounds very healing. I don’t really care to see any photos even of XH. He wants them all including our wedding photos and I was going to send them to him, but then I thought…..isn’t that what he is running from? Makes
No sense. I like you will keep the photos for the kids. I plan on putting things in a box for them for after I am gone to have and know at some point it was good

[MourningDove]

Most days I no longer give Xh much thought. It is something I probably never thought possible way back when life just blew up.

I have often said it was best for me to treat Xh like he died. In my situation it was the healthiest thing for me to do, in all honesty. He had become capable of being a monster and lashed out in ways I never thought possible. He was spending money and didn't care what happened to the kids and I. Had I held on, I am convinced now that the kids and I would have had to move in with my parents because I would have lost the house and more. It is a sobering thought.

During the very stages of when Xh began his departure (it took him months to actually move out entirely, as he was renovating his new place) we didn't have a separation in place. I kept thinking he would change his mind, as I feverishly worked on myself, thinking I had some ability to change the trajectory. It was not worthless, I learned a great deal about myself along the way.

One of the things that started before Xh moving out - perhaps a handful of years prior, Xh adopted a bit of a shocking pattern. It took me awhile to pick up on it being a pattern and looking back, it always correlated with something in his life he didn't want to deal with or couldn't control. He would go on massive cleaning sprees and would get rid of things. The hauling out of things didn't always bother me, but often he would get so out of control with this process, he would put things out by the road to give away that made no sense. Things that months later he would come to me and ask where for instance the table saw was. I would remind him he gave it away and he would look at me like I had just answered him in a foreign language he didn't understand. He truly didn't quite seem to grasp he had gotten rid of this or that.

At one point in time as he was starting to move things to his cottage, he took 2 pieces of artwork. There was no logical reason for him to select those two pieces in terms of importance, so that was a bit odd. He left some pieces that had once meant something to him. The 2 pieces he took actually belonged to my F. There was no formal paperwork with these loans of artwork - why would there be? I often had borrowed work from my F's collection and returned it. With no agreement in place there was little I could do. One piece was a sculpture of my F's and the other was a real head scratcher. It had hung in the wine cellar for a very long time. It was a gift given to my F from a dear friend of his who was an artist as well. Xh took that with him when he left.

I initially had confronted Xh about these two items, expressing that those pieces were not mine nor his. The short version of that part of the story was Xh promised me he would make sure the kids got the items if he ever got rid of them. My F was fine with that and when the sculpture came back some time ago, we didn't really think too much about it.

The piece that remained has some significant value. That was never the point for me. It was that it was my F's and sentimental. The last I knew it was still hanging up somewhere in Xh's cottage. I hadn't really thought about it in a very long time. I always knew it was possible Xh could sell it, but I had put that out of my head.

Yesterday, I made a stop at a thrift store on my way home. I can't even begin to recall the last time I was there. I had decided to just pop in and take a quick look around, as I was seeing what they had that we could possibly use for D's apartment. This place is also somewhere that gets artwork in.

I made my way around and noted some ideas and decided to check out the artwork as I had found several pieces from an artist I know well. My guess was someone passed away and what was there was from an estate. As I made my way down the wall of artwork, I stopped in my tracks and saw the piece that had hung on the wine cellar wall. I pulled it off the wall and saw my F's handwriting on the back, noting the date he received it and who the artist was. I could feel anger bubbling up. I left without the piece, torn with what to do.

This particular store is somewhere my F comes to buy used books regularly to read. He likes buying several at a time and it means there is no date he has to worry about returning them to a library. When he is done, he donates them back to the organization. This particular organization uses any proceeds from their sale to go right back into the community and it is run by volunteers.

My fear was my F finding this piece that was his hanging on the wall, full well knowing that Xh donated it. He didn't return it to my F or to my kids as promised. I knew my F would be very hurt and upset. I drove home wresting with how to handle it. I have always like the piece, but the price on it was not exactly what I was wanting to spend at the moment and I was just annoyed and angry. I decided to leave it behind and sleep on it.

I had a couple of people who told me I should call and ream Xh out. I thought about that scenario. Hmmm. I would get it off my chest, but what would it really solve or accomplish? Xh might create waves with S or D it. That was not a scenario I need, since my focus is getting D to grad school, not having a row with Xh. I thought about telling my F. He would be hurt and angry. I thought about leaving it hanging there and hoping my F would not see it. One person suggested I should tell the shop owners. I laughed thinking sure - I didn't file a police report. There is no paperwork trail. Why would I bother volunteers with this - who had nothing to do with it and how would I prove it anyways?

I went to work this morning and had let go of it, until I left work. I found myself going back to this shop and with no hesitation I took it off the wall and paid for it. The volunteers asked me about the piece, as they were intrigued by the artwork. I recognized the one cashier as someone my F knew. I laughed and said there was a bit of an odd story behind it. I gave them the quick story and the one gentleman who knew my F said he is glad I rescued it because it would be hurt my F to see it just donated. The other cashier informed me I was a good D for worrying about my F's feelings. They were a bit surprised I was willing to pay the price that was on there. I told them that frankly, I was okay paying what they had on the tag because I know it is going to a very good cause and it was worth way more than what they had on the tag - just from the emotional standpoint.

The thing is, the minute I made the purchase, I felt an immediate sense of something else. It was closure for me. Both pieces that had been taken are now back in my possession. It has nothing to do with the material aspect for me. It was more about those particular pieces and the sentimental meanings to my F. They were taken before the divorce and now it feels like that closed the loop for me in a strange sense. Maybe a bit of taking back what is my life and such.

When I mentioned it to one of my friends this morning, they asked what anniversary was coming up that set Xh off. I hadn't even thought about the crazy behaviors that would go on and the mass cleaning out scenarios that often corresponded with those anniversaries. Hmmm - BIL having a tumor was a new one, but the anniversary of FIL dying is coming up as is BIL 5's death. The biggie though is this week and that would be both his best friend and MIL. It would make sense, but it is not for me to worry about, as sad as it may be for Xh.

I took an extra side trip on my way home. I brought the piece to the frame shop and decided to have it reframed. It has some damage to the frame, but it was more me deciding that with the rescue, I was going to give it a new life.

I will show my F the piece is back, but I will not be telling him how it came back in my possession. He doesn't need to know that part.

As for Xh - I don't need to know what is going on in his life nor do I want to at this point. I can say he is unhappy and spiraling, but that is a guess. I don't really know. He might just be cleaning out and happy in his new life. My anger and aggravation yesterday had nothing to do with that part of it all. I wasn't mad about Xh's MLC behaviors or any of that. It was odd that the only thought I had today after all was said and done was perhaps this is part of me being able to put another big chunk of the MLC truly behind me.

[Treasur]

First of all, I am very glad that the universe decided it was time for that piece to come home. And well done on navigating the rather complicated emotions to be able to cut through to the core of what you wanted to do about it.

Gosh, when the lid blows off these folks, it stays blowed for a long time, doesn’t it? I’m sure you’re right about the pattern behind it, but still - even now - I find it a remarkable thing to even witness second hand. Remarkable tbh how seemingly capable they are of doing just plain $h!tety things. Sad festering pools of strange resentment and self-centredness quite at odds with the reality often of how others have behaved towards them vs how they have behaved towards others.

Still, useful reminder too that your xh took himself with him and that it really was never about you as you have been absent from his life for so long. I have often wondered here, reading others’ stories, if the real LBS truth is that we unknowingly were such great partners that we kept their metaphorical cheese on the decent human stick bc of who we are day to day. Even if that wasn’t and shouldn’t have been our life job. So, hurrah for all the decent LBS humans imho lol.

Most days I no longer give Xh much thought. It is something I probably never thought possible way back when life just blew up.

I have often said it was best for me to treat Xh like he died. In my situation it was the healthiest thing for me to do, in all honesty.

Me too. Word for word. Quite early on - even though I knew he wasn’t actually dead - that made sense to me. It fitted how the experience felt. And it fitted what I needed to do to move towards my own next. I have no idea how MLC folks see it, maybe they kill us off somehow in their minds long before we do the same, idk. Their behaviour is quite violent really, isn’t it, even if they are not actually physically violent? Strange experience to have lived through, for sure.

[UrsaMajor]

Gotta wonder sometimes what kind of frenzied vacuum has formed between the MLC'ers ears.....

[MourningDove]

I could blame the universe or the planetary alignment or whatever else - I have had a few days of head shaking and not all to do with the MLCer. LOL

I had woken up this morning after having a very odd dream about the MLCer. I know why it probably was in my head and fortunately it didn't rattle me terribly when I woke up, but I did note that during the dream itself, I was clearly uneasy.

The dream was about Xh in the midst of one of his epic cleaning frenzies. He was telling me he was moving out and then in the next breath he was in the house and all calm and settled back into a routine like nothing happened. And then a day later back to more cleaning out.

The thing is, this was in fact somewhat accurate in the sense that he got so he was that unpredictable. I was just going day to day wondering what I was going to encounter. I realize now that it was not healthy for either of us. Him, I don't know if he has or ever will resolve whatever made him behave that way. For me, it was the constant feeling of not knowing how to behave or what the day would bring. This went on for months even prior to BD. There was no reasoning with him or getting him to face his demons. Furthermore, by then, I had convinced myself in the midst of what often became gaslighting on his part, I was the problem and only I could fix it. I tried everything I could imagine and would carefully listen to his complaints trying to twist myself up into knots to behave the way he wanted. Even if I managed to correct something the script would change even sometimes within the same conversation. It was madness, but only now do I truly recognize that I entered into his mad world thinking I could control it.

I knew this morning though something about the dream was different. I wasn't shaken by the dream. I don't like having those dreams, but I wasn't crying or even emotional. It was more of a "huh" moment, although I wondered why it had entered my mind. The artwork was certainly the obvious clear line. There had been more though that occurred the past few days to see why maybe it all just showed up in dream form.

S had a side job to do on Sunday that was in Xh's neighborhood. D was working and I accepted an impromptu invite to go to dinner with a friend. I checked in with S when I was getting ready to leave to see if he was going to be home before I was, as my friend had received some upsetting news during dinner. I knew somehow that I was meant to be there for my friend at that time. It was an odd set of circumstances and I couldn't just leave her.

S answered and he had stopped by Xh's who decided to take him out for dinner and then asked him for a favor for the following night. Seems he had an overnight date and needed psycho dog watched. I know who the date was with - don't really care, but it was evident by where he said he was going location wise. I shook my head and rolled my eyes as my friend giggled - she needed a laugh and I was glad I could provide the entertainment. S then told me that Xh wished me a happy birthday to which I simply said thank you and hoped that was the end of it, tbh. Nope. Xh was in the background and wanted to have S tell me how he knew it was my birthday. In my head the only thing that I could think of was the fact that it is because that is when his M's funeral was held many years ago. No, that wasn't it. Then I knew. Sigh. It made S laugh, but Xh only told him part of the story. What S was told as I listened was that when we were first married Xh had received a briefcase that had a combination lock on it. His sister had bought it for him and she thought it was funny to change the combination randomly before giving it to him and he couldn't open it. I spent Christmas, just trying different combinations until I figured it out. Then I reset it - to my birthday. It made him laugh at the time because it was with good reason.

I have never made a big deal out of my birthday. Even as a kid. It has to do with not wanting to be put in the spotlight. It's nice to be acknowledged but it has never been something I get hung up on. I won't say I don't like having people tell me they are thinking of me or if they bring me a gift, but I don't get warped out of shape over not having some big to do. I always enjoyed when the kids would make a fuss when they were little, because it was more about how much they liked the whole hoopla, not because I had to have some celebration. Xh knew this and it was always this way.

The briefcase combination, as I later explained to S was because Xh and I dated for 6 years before getting married. His one B had a birthday the day before mine. His SIL had one a week before mine. His step mom had one a couple of days before mine and another B had one a week after mine. Those days he remembered very clearly. Mine - he always forgot and that would have made me laugh, except he would confuse my birthday regularly with his X GF's. Consistently. S laughed and said he could see why that might aggravate me. I told him, I actually laughed about it at the time with the briefcase and said that would hopefully fix that issue. S mentioned Xh told him those were good memories. Yah - they were good memories. But they are just that now. I am not wanting to go back.

There is a certain sadness about those happy memories being lost to history, but not because I am longing to go back there. It is more of a sadness that I will never understand what happened to the man that was.

What I had waited to hear come out of Xh's mouth was a different story. One that got so twisted in the MLCer's brain.

When MIL died, the kids were really little. They came for a small time during the calling hours before the service, but we decided that it was best to take our kids and the other kids that age to my SIL's house where my sister's friend babysat for us that day. The kids spent the day with their cousins and making new memories. MIL would have wanted that. After the service, XH drove home with two of his B's and my SIL. Others were going to come to our house later, but I offered to pick up all of the kids and bring them to the house. It was my birthday that day. I said nothing. It never entered my mind. On the way home S mentioned to me that my SIL said it was my birthday and were we going to have a cake. I explained to him that it was a day to celebrate his grandmother and if they wanted to celebrate my birthday we could do it the following weekend. I would have happily just moved on from the day.

When I arrived home, there was a cake for me and my BIL and a big to do. My SIL had made a fuss about it and they went so far as to go out and buy gifts. I frankly found the whole thing uncomfortable, but I went with it, as they seemed to want to move on from the sadness and heaviness of the day. Xh insisted he wanted to do this for me. That was at the time.

When MLC hit, it would go down as one of the many times that apparently I was selfish and made the day about me. He would bring that up continually in his monster moments. I even recall asking my SIL (the one I still talk to), who was there, if she remembered that and she laughed, saying they were the ones who orchestrated it and Xh was the ringleader.

I went off to work yesterday just thinking how bizarre the past couple of days had been in regards to these little moments. I was just getting ready to leave work when one of my students from last semester - one of my best students, who is incredibly stoic - called out my name. I had just seen them moments before and gave them some feedback on a piece they were working on for another class. I turned and saw this kid just sobbing and quivering. It threw me - I wasn't prepared for that level from them. Out it came. They had to leave immediately and they have been dealing with this all of their life - a parent with mental issues. I knew which parent they were close with. I knew it wasn't this one. Now I knew why. I could feel tears welling up in my own eyes. It was probably one of those moments that some would say was a no-no, but I somehow knew they needed a hug. I let them soak my shirt with tears and calmly asked them what they were working on and what needed to be done for that class for the day. I found myself doing just what my professor years ago did for me and said I would personally call their professor and explain the situation. They were to leave and go take care of themselves first. I told them I know what it is like to have someone in your life that is trying to pull you into the tornado, told them to worry about their own health first.

I made the call. I knew all too well that professor is tough on the outside, but not unreasonably so. They also know the student and knew this was out of character. The professor immediately emailed the student explaining we had talked and extended the deadline for them based on our conversation.

I received a call from the student later in the day thanking me for being in their corner and it helped that I seemed to understand.

I thought about it last night and maybe that is part of the positive of having gone through the MLC BS. I still would not wish it on anyone, but it has made me more aware of there are some things you cannot change. You can only make changes in your own behaviors and you can have love and compassion, but there are going to be things in life you may have to step away from for your own well being, no matter how sad it may be.

This morning, framer reached out with a surprise that changed what our initial plans were for the returned artwork. The artwork had some notes scribbled on the back that the framer photographed before assembling it and there was also additional notes on the front, which we decided to leave showing. It changed the frame size so it fit in the original frame, which the framer repaired. We both agreed that in some ways, it seemed even more appropriate that part of the original framing remained. It is part of the original history, since my F was the one that had it initially framed in the first place. They sent me a photo of the newly assembled piece and now I just have to figure out where to hang it.

It dawned on me that artwork is very much like my life. I have lost parts and recovered some. I have a history I can't just erase, and I don't want to forget it all. It happened. Yet, I can breathe new life into it and still hold on to some memories. The artwork won't go back into the wine cellar, as I think it needs to be somewhere that reminds of just that when life seems to kick me. I want to believe that piece ended up back in my possession for a reason.

[Biscuit]

What a wonderful post MD,

I love the idea of the artwork retaining some of it's original housing, much like when you see tastefully modernised buildings in the continent when a wing has been added to a really old church or similar . It feels totally right, new sitting next to old, as a nod to the past and a look to the future too.

[UrsaMajor]

S answered and he had stopped by Xh's who decided to take him out for dinner and then asked him for a favor for the following night.

So, the patterns (do something nice and then ask for something in return) continues..... Nice to know MLCxH is consistent in at least that....

Xh insisted he wanted to do this for me. That was at the time.
<...snip...> 
I even recall asking my SIL (the one I still talk to), who was there, if she remembered that and she laughed, saying they were the ones who orchestrated it and Xh was the ringleader.

Hmmmmmm Projection anyone? Since it couldn't be all about him.....

It dawned on me that artwork is very much like my life. I have lost parts and recovered some. I have a history I can't just erase, and I don't want to forget it all. It happened. Yet, I can breathe new life into it and still hold on to some memories. The artwork won't go back into the wine cellar, as I think it needs to be somewhere that reminds of just that when life seems to kick me. I want to believe that piece ended up back in my possession for a reason.

That sounds like a) a plan (to put it somewhere visible as I do not expect that you are spending all THAT much time in the Wine Cellar) and b) GOOD karma that it found it's way back to you and that the original frame could be salvaged/repaired...