[Reinventing]

Evas was the name someone was looking for I think.

Yes, that me, KayDee. Thanks.

[FrenchHusband]

100% agree.  The LBS is the one that chooses. 

It does seem though that the vast majority of MLCers do want to reconnect and possibly return.  I don’t have data.  Just a gut feel.  From the 3 people I’ve spoken to live and from Hearts Blessing and teachings here. 

But it seems like reconciliation rates are extremely low, 5-15% maybe, who knows. 

So if 90% of MLCers want to return but 10% reconcile.  That difference lies in the hands of the LBS.  And it’s clear that LBS in general decide to move on.

I have not the return wanting rates, I have searched in the stories the expressed regrets, and I have found them in 24 stories out of 50. So in my opinion it is at least 50%, likely more. But the will of return is just the first step of a very difficult path : reconciliation is for the brave, tell the vets.

There are just so many things we don’t know about MLC.  I mean to me it’s a massive psychological event.   The MLC has psychosis and does not view the world around them for what it is.  They live in their own alternative version of reality.  That sounds like mental illness to me.

But my biggest question is why does it take so long to work through?  I mean sometimes 10 years???  That’s half the time a lot of us have been married.  I mean that’s crazy.   That not a “phase someone grows out of”.  That’s a rewiring of your entire brain and way of thinking overnight.   Why we don’t understand more about this event is beyond me

Regarding your question, I can only answer with the best analogy I can find : why does teenage crisis last so long ? And which parent does celebrate each year the teenager's BD (I hate you ! ) birthday ? Which parent defines himself in regard to the BD of their children or calls himself a Left Behind Parent ? Which parent tries to figure out how many years remain in the teenage crisis, expect excuses or journal the crisis, the reconnection & the reconciliation ?

What I want to say, and I include myself in the WE, is that we LBS ( ) are sometimes too much focussed on our spouses and on the MLC. Knowledge is useful but too much focus is counter productive imho. I hope that one day the MLC will be more recognized and well-known, so that the LBS and people under MLC can live this period more peacefully, with less damages, as it is the case for most of the teenage crisis.

[Songanddance]

What I want to say, and I include myself in the WE, is that we LBS ( ) are sometimes too much focussed on our spouses and on the MLC. Knowledge is useful but too much focus is counter productive imho. I

And that's why I thoroughly recommend reading Stayed's threads.  She reconciled way back in 2006 but her information is really helpful in getting the LBS off the MLCer and onto living a life regardless. 

[MadLuv]

Shopgirl is also a reconciled LBS

[Nas]

I really remember the very early days when I so wanted these stats. I also really remember the day that I realized that nothing that happens in anyone else’s life can predict what will happen in mine. It didn’t matter if someone told me that 90% of people reconcile, I had to look at the facts and reality of my own situation, those were the only “knowns” that mattered. That is very hard to do early on, but extremely necessary to do in the LBS journey.

[MadLuv]

I totally agree NAS. This is a unique to each persons crisis and  each persons strength and weaknesses on how they are able to handle their crisis. Not only that, but due to no fault of the LBS  they have endured and reacted in the marriage to neglect before they recognized why and that also changes the dynamics of how the MLCer see’s the relationship. Not just to justify their behavior, but it was a reality.

 Without both being able to talk through how this all unfolded and how it impacted not only the relationship, but the changes in each person then in my opinion it is very difficult to come back from.  Since the crisis is driven by insecurity and lack of core self ( IMHO)  the MLCer that can handle deep  inner evaluation is rare and that is why the reconciliations are so rare. Not just because the LBS decides.  I also think what age it occurs and what are the family dynamics. Those LBS with children may hang in longer.

Just so many individual dynamics, but  one thing my XH said that I totally agree with is “You will never look at me the same again” I disagreed with that in the beginning. I  was so willing to do anything to keep the family together, but with time I actually agree with him.

[mcm64d]

I sometimes wonder if the have a site where they compare LBS stories and comfort one another. Far fetched kind of alternative universe type of thinking.....

I am trying a new experiment called the vanishing LBS. She has avenues to get a hold of me but I have blocked her number for over a week now and it feels terrific. What's the stats on whether the vanishing LBSer reconciles with the MLCer? I have no idea. Would it be comforting for my MLC xw to know such a statistic?

I wish everyone looking for solace in statistics only the best. Well, I wish everyone on here only the best. IMHO, and it is just an opinion from someone in the beginning of this disaster we are all going or have gone through, is that if you want back into your spouse's life and rebuild that relationship and the statistics are against you, then swim upstream. Be the outlier!! For as long as you are willing to try and stand and do your best, no statistic can ever define you or predict your outcome!!

Be well.

[UrsaMajor]

I sometimes wonder if the have a site where they compare LBS stories and comfort one another. Far fetched kind of alternative universe type of thinking.....

Yeah there is... It is called "Hero's Spouse." 

I am trying a new experiment called the vanishing LBS. She has avenues to get a hold of me but I have blocked her number for over a week now and it feels terrific.

That is called "going dark" here. You have made it difficult for her to contact you and she has, in turn, chosen not to exert any additional effort.  The question is whether you would answer her if she did make the effort to contact you. That is the difference between "dark" and NC.

What's the stats on whether the vanishing LBSer reconciles with the MLCer? I have no idea. Would it be comforting for my MLC xw to know such a statistic?

Answer to both questions - does it really matter? Does it really matter in YOUR personal situation if there are stats that say you are predestined for success or failure? That there is some crystal ball or Harry Potter Sorting Hat that is going to squeak out "You will reconcile" or "You are doomed to the 9 pits of LBS'dom for Eternity?" As for the Mid-Lifer, it makes NO different to them what the stats are because they are way too busy running from themselves and everything/everyone else to pay much attention and, even if they did, they'd just do things to spite the stats anyway to prove that they are "different" and "better."

I wish everyone looking for solace in statistics only the best. Well, I wish everyone on here only the best. IMHO, and it is just an opinion from someone in the beginning of this disaster we are all going or have gone through, is that if you want back into your spouse's life and rebuild that relationship and the statistics are against you, then swim upstream. Be the outlier!! For as long as you are willing to try and stand and do your best, no statistic can ever define you or predict your outcome!!

Just make darn sure that you are not swimming into the business end of a hydroelectric turbine instead of up a fish ladder....

[FrenchHusband]

I wish everyone looking for solace in statistics only the best. Well, I wish everyone on here only the best. IMHO, and it is just an opinion from someone in the beginning of this disaster we are all going or have gone through, is that if you want back into your spouse's life and rebuild that relationship and the statistics are against you, then swim upstream. Be the outlier!! For as long as you are willing to try and stand and do your best, no statistic can ever define you or predict your outcome!!

Just make darn sure that you are not swimming into the business end of a hydroelectric turbine instead of up a fish ladder....

Well, the real statistics that matter IMO is "how many LBS will be better, grow and thrive ?" I personaly, don't want back into my current W's life. I am swimming where I choose to swim. I still let the door open for her to come back, if she faces her inner demons, if she wants genuinely to work on our marriage and if she shows constant efforts to rebuild what is broken. In the future I might close this door, by example if there are big damages in the next months/years.

[mcm64d]

I am trying a new experiment called the vanishing LBS. She has avenues to get a hold of me but I have blocked her number for over a week now and it feels terrific.

That is called "going dark" here. You have made it difficult for her to contact you and she has, in turn, chosen not to exert any additional effort.  The question is whether you would answer her if she did make the effort to contact you. That is the difference between "dark" and NC.

Thank you for this. It made me think.....

If it is in regards to legal issues or some kind of life or death situation for her, yes I'd respond.

Anything else- huge doubts that I would respond at this rate. I think the only other reason I would respond is if she said how blowing up our lives was a mistake or some kind of breakdown and that she is getting the help she needs. Or something similar. Then I would be fully supportive, from a distance.

As far as the rest of that post UM- if anyone chooses to fight for their relationship and believe in the greater good of the human race, then by all means go for it, regardless of the statistics or odds.

They say that 10-15% of divorced couple reconcile. "They say" is a dangerous statement, but let's assume it correct. 10 out of 100, is not that bad. And considering the number of divorces, there should be hope if that is what anyone wants.

I am choosing to move forward. If I eventually remarry so be it. Should I eventually reconcile, so be it. As I am finding out throughout this journey, I am in control of very little. So okay, today I think about today and how I want to be. Tomorrow never knows.