Morning all
UPdate - nothing new to report really. H and I still living our own lives in our own houses. The difference is that H is now very lonely (I see him once a week as does D) and even though he works from home with his business partner - he claims he is lonely.
When he's talked about it with me - he has received validation but also the truth dart - " This is what you wanted and created H"
He has begun to apologise more and more about his crisis and his actions. Part of me though is very cynical because I now know he was always good at manipulating me into doing things his way and prior to BD I learned not to call him out on his behaviour and now I do. He has told me that he still loves me (I knew that) and that he misses me. I have told him that I still love him (which I do) but my life is moving forward and he will always be a part of my life; but I'm not ready or willing for us to work on the marriage - which is also true. I like who I am on my own.
Equally H's stroke has affected him and he continues to talk about being in a fog and constantly tired. Part of that is lack of good nutrition and fluid (he barely drinks enough water) and part of that is the physical impact of the massive brain bleed which TBH should have killed him. So he has minor brain damage.
The thing I have begun to learn about H is that, since his stroke, he is really struggling with the concept of learning things that he should know anew. H is a very clever man - he is incredibly talented in his field of work but he now finds it difficult to retain information that prior to his stroke he would have absorbed and utilised in a heartbeat. His memory is shot in places and this is not just post MLC and he is very very pre-occupied with his perceived lack of ability.
I have pointed out the irony to him that for such an intelligent man - I cannot understand why he can't understand that he needs to do the work to get the neurons in his brain functioning again, such as simple repetitive execises recommended by the physios and drinking enough water; it baffles me.
However that's not the reason for me posting....
I had coffee with a friend who has been more of an acquaintance but we get on really well. I knew something was wrong when I met her at a rehearsal and so suggested we meet up. We did and she tumbled out pre MLC feelings and frustrations.
There I was listening to a pre-MLCer and knowing it and knowing too that she was about to do things that she would regret.
I listened and told her I understood the feelings that she had not because I had had them but because H had had those feelings. She wants more but she doesn't know what it is.....
Anyway she talked, I listened. She's talked to others who have told her to "stay in the marriage/ put up and shut up" approach. She's told others who have advised her to go and do what is right for her and if that means breaking up the marriage and children then so be it.
She has had lots of conversations with her H and he wants to know what to do to fix it. She doesn't know. She said herself " Is this a Midlife crisis?" I replied with "Is there someone else?" Nope so then I explained to her that this could be a midlife transition which many people faced. The thing you didn't do in either case was take drastic action that couldn't be taken back.
Needless to say our coffee lasted 2 hrs with her talking and me listening. I chose not to validate any of the advice she had been given because I disagreed with both. I tried to "peel the onion" and she was a little reluctant but yes she has FOO issues.
She then changed the subject but we came back to it again. I told her I couldn't and wouldn't advise her but I did suggest that she perhaps seek a therapist to help her analyse why she might be feeling this way (not a counsellor or life coach)
I asked her not to have any R talks with her H for at least a week (they were talking almost every night) and to focus on the children and the remaining weeks of the summer holiday as a family as much as she could. I also asked her to call me if she felt the need to vent or a bit of space.
At the end of the coffee - she said " S&D - I feel as though I've had a therapy session - thank you so much"
I asked if she felt that she would choose not to listen to those who had not been where she is right now. She said that she understood and would just focus on the next few weeks and aim not to say or do anything that was impulsive. And that was it.
I will message her every week or so - just to keep in touch.
The sad thing is I felt helpless. Despite knowing about MLC and MLT for over 11 yrs now, I felt helpeless. I wanted so much to say to her " Don't do it" but she was so bewildered and confused and she felt guilt mixed in with a deep desire for nothing more. All I can hope is that she continues to share with me, find a therapist and not take any drastic action.
MLC in its early stages from the other side.......
Working it out 25 - the final stages of the old and early stages of the new.
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