[Songanddance]

S19 has depression and anxiety and still has not been able to muster up the courage and confidence to get a job. He has been suicidal. Some days are better than others. I often wonder how things might have been different if H had not gone down this road.........

I so get this SF.  My S has had depression for over 10 yrs now with bouts of wellness.  We also think he may be BPD - he certainly has ADHD which was diagnosed when he was little and this whole MLC malarky has not helped at all......  This is more than the the usual teenage V adult male testosterone dislike that seems to develop in teenage years.  I too wonder if things might just have been different and perhaps not as severe.

[Songanddance]

One thing I meant to include in my post was the interesting return of H's earlier memories of us together.  During the peak of his crisis he claimed not to remember certain holidays and if he did - they were "awful" (script) but he couldn't remember any details.

My second D is going away to an island where H and I went pre marriage (I was 5 months pregnant at the time with oldest D) and it was our pre-marital honeymoon - I guess. 

I had forgotten the name of the little village we stayed in and only had bits and bobs to remember (including the challenging motorbiking we did as the locals didn't care who they knocked off the bikes).   So I was completely gobsmacked when H told our D - the name of the village, the taverna opposite, the other places (with names and locations) we visited on the island and explained to D about the road system etc.....    It was so detailed. He finished it off by saying - even though your mum and I weren't married at the time, it was our pseudo honeymoon and it was a really lovely holiday. 

Um - what?  I know that if I had asked him to name these details before MLC he wouldn't have been able to. 

Interesting.

[5hilmerton]

So happy to read your update. I had to laugh about your neighbors.  I live in a neighborhood that is far from anything Stepford wifsish. Although the neighbors for the most part are nice enough most of them are always on the go.  But i will say when the power goes out it's a different story. The power goes out and it seems like all front doors open and everyone steps out yelling to each other, did your power go out??  Once it is confirmed that that everyone's power is out everyone steps back inside, doors close and it is life as normal.

Glad you are enjoying your new home.  Something new while life goes on.
Take care,
5hil

[xyzcf]

But i will say when the power goes out it's a different story. The power goes out and it seems like all front doors open and everyone steps out yelling to each other, did your power go out??  Once it is confirmed that that everyone's power is out everyone steps back inside, doors close and it is life as normal.

My next door neighbor called me one snowy night with great anxiety in her voice "xyzcf are you all right?" I was sitting on the couch, fireplace on, dog at my feet watching TV..I responded "yes why?" and she said "well it's snowing outside!"

Having lived most of my life in Canada, I am acclimatized to snow.

Bless her though for caring about me!

[Songanddance]

Morning all

Time for a brief update in reconnection land....

It's been 5 months since my last update and to be honest not a huge amount about the situation has changed. H and I still living separately. I'm happy and H is struggling because he's not addressing his post stroke depression.
We see each other weekly and it's always nice and pleasant but it just feels like friends catching up rather than separated husband and wife. 

He phones or texts me a bit more often now and I definitely choose whether to answer or to call back.

His EA with the woman who "helped him rescue his business" is definitely on the wane.  I have to accept that she is a part of his life and that he will always have feelings for her however inappropriate or misplaced they may be. I am fairly convinced that it is more one sided on H's part too.  Several times he's told me that she refused to do this or that to help him and quite often she is increasingly doing the office/admin stuff from her home now and not at his.

H has revealed that he is lonely and hates being alone. The first time I heard it; I bit my lip and validated. The second time I said " That's what you wanted H- you wanted out and you wanted to be on your own"  He hated that. The third time I just said " Tough H - actions have consequences"

He is still not ready to face himself and to fully acknowledge the damage he has done. He will probably deny the hurt and physical altercations with S and even though it's not my job to address it, he never will because S wants nothing to do with him.
And so I think at some point, I do need to let him know how and why S is so angry.  H has never asked and this is typical of him, hide head in bucket and suppress when things get difficult.

It'll be 10 yrs from BD in March.  It's been nearly a year since we separated.
Since then my life has come on in leaps and bounds.   Post pandemic I am getting back into the hobbies and skills that I used to love; I am moving forward with my writing, teaching and consultancy work.
I have the most amazing adult children who present challenges from time to time ( that's life) however all of them and their partners read PMA books, listen to PMA podcasts, practise meditation, journalling and constantly review their self growth and more importantly practise what they learn.

Life in S&D land has begun to blossom in ways I had hoped for but after BD, never imagined could happen.  BD was quite simply (next to the death of my parents)one of the worst blows in my life.  Now I am grateful for it.  Whilst I miss the "companionship" of a partner - someone to talk to and share with, I'm ok not having it. In fact it's probably done me a lot of good because I only have myself to focus on and I am determined that the remainder of my life will be full of joy, blessings in whatever shape or form. 
Whoever chooses to join me on this journey will be my decision and I have decided that 2023 is not just the 10th anniversary of my life blowing apart but the start of my renewed life and I am so so ready to get going and get on with it all.

[Treasur]

How lovely to hear, Song, that so many things in your life are flowering and fruiting. X

[Songanddance]

Thanks Treasur

I worked it out recently that my life seems to have gone in 10 yr cycles from when I was 10 myself.  10 - 20 learning school decade full of usual angst and joys. 20s decade - new life as a teacher, finding H and becoming a mum. 30s decade - loss of parents but balanced out with more children/ 40s decade - moving house, really good promotion, children thriving, life definitely on the up financially and emotionally.  50s decade BD and ending sort of downwards with separation and moving house balanced out with therapy, self growth and finding me.  Now this decade starts with 2023 (all other decades also started with 3) and it's an upward trend - hopefully! 

[MadLuv]

Great update S&D.

I feel much like you as it is nice having a partner in life, but it also is nice doing what you want to do. Life on ones own terms. Sometimes I wonder if I could even integrate anyone into my now single life. Get up when you want, eat what you want, be lazy for the day, watch what you want. It does have it’s perks!!

[xyzcf]

Hi Song,

Glad to hear that you are doing well.

I think I have come to a point that although I don't see what is so "special" about his life compared to the life we had and could have, it is what he wants.

I am grateful that we speak to one another. I am grateful that we can spend time with our daughter. I am grateful that I am calmer and more peaceful...accepting what is.

I have plenty of interests and activities. The volunteer work I do with kids is when I feel more like myself. when I am engaged in something that really matters to me. I am surprised at how much I enjoy my home, the garden, the area I live in...years ago when I decided to stay in Colorado because I thought it would be a healing place, that was the right decision for me.

I worry about expenses, the increased cost of everything scares me....will I have enough to live on? I think I am being irrational but it's a real fear for me.

I fear getting sick. Last fall I wasn't well for about 10 days. I have difficulty "asking" friends for help and so I am still really cautious about activities in this post COVID era. I also had a trip in the middle of the night to ER...taking a Lyft home after being cleared but being alone to process my feelings about what had happened...and being asked who to contact by the ER staff..."I guess my daughter" who of course lives thousands of miles away.

I do have people here that are really good to me...but ...it could be that I have decided not to count on anyone but myself....not the best plan 

I miss him. I miss our life together and what could have been. Once I am up and doing things I am ok, but I find going to bed at night and waking up in the morning still brings feelings of loss........I do not like being alone so much..I just don't.

Lots of stuff I have been reading lately talk about the need for human connection so I don't think I am abnormal. I miss being touched.

I make sure that I have some human contact every day. I think about getting a dog again, for I found it less lonely to have a creature to talk to ....but am torn between wanting to be free to come and go as I want....I had some difficulty with dog sitters in the past.

I don't know if I would have had the same types of "fears" and "anxiety" had this not happened to me...maybe....but unlike other LBSers, I am not grateful for this to have happened to us.....but we are adaptable and most of the time I am ok.

One of the advocates I work with recently said to me she just wanted me to be "happy" and exploring that I was able to say to her that I am happier now than I have been for many years. I am grateful for that.

Thanks for the update!

[Reinventing]

I only have myself to focus on and I am determined that the remainder of my life will be full of joy, blessings in whatever shape or form.

Yes, our one precious life. A gift, for sure. What a wonderful way you phrased it, Songanddance. So glad you are doing well and forging a fulfilling life for yourself. Truly out of the ashes.