[lily22]

This might seem like a really dumb question but how do I protect myself financially.  Our mortgage is the only thing in joint names anything else is on our own names.  He earns more than 3x what I do and if he wasn't paying the mortgage in the morning I don't know what I would do as I can't afford it.  He pays the bills this far but nothing towards me or my boys.  What can I actually do to protect us

[Treasur]

I’m afraid that your best option is to take legal advice about this. You probably don’t want to and you don’t have to act on the advice you get, but as I understand it, the financial stability of you and your sons is dependent on your h keeping his word. And that’s not a very safe place to live with given that he has already broken other bigger promises and commitments, is it? I’m so sorry.

[lily22]

I have gone to speak to a lawyer who was pretty bleak to be honest and hasn't given me many options to be honest.  He actually told me what my h has written down, better to sit and let him do that until he stops.  You're right, this living month to month hoping he pays is killing me

[Ready2Transform]

Is there a way you can start to create a just-in-case cushion for yourself? Side hustle sort of business, or sell some things and stick the money back in an account he can't touch? Take stock of any emergency credit or funds you may have available. Just enough that if the worst-case scenario happens and he doesn't pay one month, you'll have some reserves to pull from that will buy you time to get something filed (and pay for that too). It's incredibly unfair to have to think this way, but it's not your fault. 'Hope for the best but prepare for the worst' was a motto that got me through in the best of times. When I tried to overthink how I could manage it all (with our joint debt in my name), I ended up bankrupted by him. Trust me, it is better to be safe!

[lily22]

Yes I have a tiny crochet business and I've started to try to squirrel away where I can as much as I can. I don't think he can touch my own bank accounts though? I sound so stupid don't I.  I just never ever thought this would be me

[in it]

If the accounts are in your name only, no he can't.

[Biscuit]

Lily,

You don't sound stupid at all, you're in shock and can't get your head around what the actual £$%^ is going on. No one here is going to be anything less than compassionate and caring no matter what the question or problem. You can ask anything and someone will be along who has a very similar situation and will be able to offer some sound advice.

So sorry you're here.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

You need legal advice and possible orders for child support. While one may want to throw in the towel and walk away from the family, society still expects the children's way of life to be maintained. Also since you have grown dependent on his income as well, you maybe entitled to support. That is why you should look for legal advice since you are the adult in the room. Laws, regulations, and benefits very from state to state as well as countries so I don't want to provide any legal advice as every case is unique and the rules are different in many jurisdictions.

Hope this helps,


(((Ready)))

[lily22]

I sought legal advice from 3 so far.  I am in the UK.  each of them have painted a bleak outlook.  They have told me to sit tight and let him pay for now until he stops the alternative is to sell our home and with so little equity in it, I would be effectively homeless and unable to start again as my wages wouldnt allow me to get a mortgage on my own.

[KayDee]

Hi Lily, so sorry this has happened to you. I too am in the UK and got some excellent legal advice. From what I understand, it seems that a divorce would be much kinder to you in this respect -  meaning that a judge would take into account a disparity in wages (in your favour), a cut of your H's pension (if he has one), and indeed your reduced ability to get a mortgage. A judge will dispassionately looks at both your financial statements and if s/he sees big disparities, and (if it's a long marriage), will award in favour of the financially disadvantaged. My understanding of this is that payment to the lesser earning spouse can be taken against equity in the house. It is also my understanding that, in a long marriage, all assets are deemed 'marital' assets. I paid much more into the mortgage than my H (I am the bigger earner), but according to my solicitor, this didn't count for anything.  Now, I don't have children, but I would imagine that this would be even more favourable. Sorry to bring up the D word, but I hope it is empowering for you to at least know you have this option. Most UK divorces are 'no fault' and can be done in 6 months, and there is no 'cooling off' - i.e. can start straightaway. It's odd to me that your solicitors differed so much from what mine said. I paid for a consultation, but it was worth it.

[KayDee]

ps... I was also told NOT to sell the home outside of the divorce process.

[Treasur]

Out of interest, where is your h living and how is he paying for that?

[Songanddance]

In the Uk what happens is this. (I have no idea what similarities there are with the US as it seems to differ from state to state.)

If the house is registered with Land Registry in both names and you are tenants or joint tenants in common then it matters little who pays the mortgage - the house is 50/50 split regardless.

IN the UK Assuming that the LBS does have his/her name on the Land Registry , if the "leaving " party aka the MLCer defaults on his contribution to the mortgage then yes it would fall upon you to pay the remainder.  However this is one reason for divorce sad to say. If you divorce him or agree to a divorce and you have young children together, then he is obliged as the main mortgage payer to keep up with at least half or more of the payments as part of the child maintenance/support;  there is also a clause in which the children are the ones allowed to stay in the marital home with the main carer until the youngest has left full time education if the main provider has left the home.

Secondly - no he cannot touch your own bank account.  Bear in  mind too that if you have joint savings together you are entitled to half so be vigilant in case he takes the money out.  Equally though if you have debts those are also shared in the event of a divorce. If you have a pension - he might be entitled to half of that unless you can arrange with him a quid pro quo situation.  For example - I told my H I would not touch or argue for half of his boys toys when he sold them and he wasn't entitled to half my pension.  I'd done my sums and knew he would be worse off anyway and he agreed which we noted in our separation.

Thirdly - paying the bills does not compensate for his not paying for the children's needs. He is not obliged to pay for anything that you require but as a parent he will be expected to contribute fairly to the basic costs of feeding clothing and supporting your sons.

Finally - I suggest you become a little more proactive in planning to put any monies you earn into your own bank account and make a very clear list of the financial needs of the house and children.  Prepare both financially and emotionally for the fact that you cannot continue to hope that he might pay (and yes he should contribute) because MLCers are notoriously selfish when it comes to finance.  I'm very sorry to say that divorce might end up being the better option because it guarantees that he is legally obliged to pay and you could at least use legal resources to ensure some support.  I am not advocating divorce as I stood for my marriage for 9 years but I now see that it often has to be an option to help protect the LBSer.

[lily22]

I paid also, I am in N Ireland so maybe that is it?   Though to be honest it was very early days when I went.  We really have no assets at all we literally only bought the house 2 years ago.  Just a mess

[lily22]

He has written out a list of what he intends to pay (all bills) and is making a will apparently.  He says he doesn't want divorce but wants to remain married in name and is lodging this letter with his solicitor but I know that its not worth the paper it is written on

[KayDee]

Hi Lily, take a deep breath. I know full well how hard this is. I could hardly bear to even look at our shared account in the early days. What helped me was to ask a close friend over to my home, someone who is good with practicalities, and asked her to go through things with me. I am capable, it was more of the emotional support. But you might also find a second brain on the matter helpful too. In the early days we are in fight mode, I was flailing around. And I took some blame, which meant I could not see the outrageous injustice of being left with all the responsibility. That is to say, we do not do our best thinking at this time.

Song echoes what my solicitor told me. I need to clarify this myself, but I believe that, if you have a date of separation, any debts accrued after that are not your responsibility. And indeed, any income, say for instance you inherited some money, that would not be shared after separation. Getting written proof of this date could prove useful I suggest. I can't see why NI law would be so different, but I just don't know TBH. Hopefully you now have more detail to ask informed questions of your solicitor.

[KayDee]

It seems the law is different in NI
https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/getting-divorce-or-dissolving-civil-partnership#toc-1
It seems if you were to go down this route 'desertion' would be the grounds.

[Songanddance]

He has written out a list of what he intends to pay (all bills) and is making a will apparently.  He says he doesn't want divorce but wants to remain married in name and is lodging this letter with his solicitor but I know that its not worth the paper it is written on

Sounds like a clinger.  Most clingers don't want a divorce. It may seem like it's not worth the paper it's written on but if it is notarised by his solicitor, and you can ask him to do that, then it is legally binding.  So should he default on his payments, you have every right to pursue in the legal sense. 

My H never wanted a divorce and he continued to pay his contribution to the bills throughout the 9 years before we separated (including stepping up to pay the mortgage when I left my work through stress) He just didn't want to be part of the marriage and for a whole host of reasons that baffled me -chose to "stay Married" without being active in the marriage.
It can happen. Not always and by most of MLCers' actions on here not that often. I consider myself fortunate in that regard but then again I did have a very good job and paid the mortgage and food etc for almost all of our marriage.

KD gives good advice by getting someone close and someone you can trust to go through the financials with you before you consult another solicitor.

[lily22]

Out of interest, where is your h living and how is he paying for that?

He moved out night of BD to a hotel for 3 nights, then to a relative for 3 weeks and is currently renting an apartment

[lily22]

In the Uk what happens is this. (I have no idea what similarities there are with the US as it seems to differ from state to state.)

If the house is registered with Land Registry in both names and you are tenants or joint tenants in common then it matters little who pays the mortgage - the house is 50/50 split regardless.

IN the UK Assuming that the LBS does have his/her name on the Land Registry , if the "leaving " party aka the MLCer defaults on his contribution to the mortgage then yes it would fall upon you to pay the remainder.  However this is one reason for divorce sad to say. If you divorce him or agree to a divorce and you have young children together, then he is obliged as the main mortgage payer to keep up with at least half or more of the payments as part of the child maintenance/support;  there is also a clause in which the children are the ones allowed to stay in the marital home with the main carer until the youngest has left full time education if the main provider has left the home.

Secondly - no he cannot touch your own bank account.  Bear in  mind too that if you have joint savings together you are entitled to half so be vigilant in case he takes the money out.  Equally though if you have debts those are also shared in the event of a divorce. If you have a pension - he might be entitled to half of that unless you can arrange with him a quid pro quo situation.  For example - I told my H I would not touch or argue for half of his boys toys when he sold them and he wasn't entitled to half my pension.  I'd done my sums and knew he would be worse off anyway and he agreed which we noted in our separation.

Thirdly - paying the bills does not compensate for his not paying for the children's needs. He is not obliged to pay for anything that you require but as a parent he will be expected to contribute fairly to the basic costs of feeding clothing and supporting your sons.

Finally - I suggest you become a little more proactive in planning to put any monies you earn into your own bank account and make a very clear list of the financial needs of the house and children.  Prepare both financially and emotionally for the fact that you cannot continue to hope that he might pay (and yes he should contribute) because MLCers are notoriously selfish when it comes to finance.  I'm very sorry to say that divorce might end up being the better option because it guarantees that he is legally obliged to pay and you could at least use legal resources to ensure some support.  I am not advocating divorce as I stood for my marriage for 9 years but I now see that it often has to be an option to help protect the LBSer.

Thank you!
If he has debts solely in his own name, am I responsible for those?  Also anything I have saved in my own bank account after he walked out, is he entitled to half of that?   My youngest will be 18 in 4 years.  But the day after he walked out he signed a new mortgage deal for the next 5 years!!!  He co signed for me (and yes I know the implications) He said we needed the rate secured because of how quick it was rising.  House is in both names.

[Treasur]

Out of interest, where is your h living and how is he paying for that?

He moved out night of BD to a hotel for 3 nights, then to a relative for 3 weeks and is currently renting an apartment

And the money for that is coming from where? Close to the family home or further away?
Do you know how long a rental agreement he has signed?

I’m afraid that, in addition to everything else, it sounds as if you are going to have to get very practical about finances. Might be worth talking to something like Citizen’s Advice Bureau or even a women’s abuse type charity about some of your specific questions. I know you are not mentioning any history of abuse per se, but what he is doing currently - and if he Co-signed the new mortgage deal without your signing it, did you agree to that?- is financially and emotionally controlling and abusive imho. He is leaving you in a kind of s$it creek limbo of a non-marriage marriage without a paddle bc in his head it’s all about him....but in RL, there are three other people to be considered as well.

[lily22]

He has written out a list of what he intends to pay (all bills) and is making a will apparently.  He says he doesn't want divorce but wants to remain married in name and is lodging this letter with his solicitor but I know that its not worth the paper it is written on

Sounds like a clinger.  Most clingers don't want a divorce. It may seem like it's not worth the paper it's written on but if it is notarised by his solicitor, and you can ask him to do that, then it is legally binding.  So should he default on his payments, you have every right to pursue in the legal sense. 

My H never wanted a divorce and he continued to pay his contribution to the bills throughout the 9 years before we separated (including stepping up to pay the mortgage when I left my work through stress) He just didn't want to be part of the marriage and for a whole host of reasons that baffled me -chose to "stay Married" without being active in the marriage.

He texts daily so yes I definitely see him as a clinger.  But not the man I knew at all even the eldest can see that

[lily22]

Out of interest, where is your h living and how is he paying for that?

He moved out night of BD to a hotel for 3 nights, then to a relative for 3 weeks and is currently renting an apartment

And the money for that is coming from where? Close to the family home or further away?
Do you know how long a rental agreement he has signed?

I’m afraid that, in addition to everything else, it sounds as if you are going to have to get very practical about finances. Might be worth talking to something like Citizen’s Advice Bureau or even a women’s abuse type charity about some of your specific questions. I know you are not mentioning any history of abuse per se, but what he is doing currently - and if he Co-signed the new mortgage deal without your signing it, did you agree to that?- is financially and emotionally controlling and abusive imho. He is leaving you in a kind of s$it creek limbo of a non-marriage marriage without a paddle bc in his head it’s all about him....but in RL, there are three other people to be considered as well.

You're not the first to mention controlling or talking to Womens Aid.  He is getting the money from his wages.  There is literally about 3/400 left over after he pays our bills and his new place.  He is in cloud cuckoo land.  I think he has taken a years lease.  He moved 12 miles away.  Cut himself off from all family and friends.  I do feel that he thinks that by him paying the mortgage and his bills! that then thats all ok and I should be content to be here in the house with the boys.  Exactly a non marriage marriage with me with all the responsibility and stress while he lives his best life

[WHY]

In the Uk what happens is this. (I have no idea what similarities there are with the US as it seems to differ from state to state.)

If the house is registered with Land Registry in both names and you are tenants or joint tenants in common then it matters little who pays the mortgage - the house is 50/50 split regardless.

IN the UK Assuming that the LBS does have his/her name on the Land Registry , if the "leaving " party aka the MLCer defaults on his contribution to the mortgage then yes it would fall upon you to pay the remainder.  However this is one reason for divorce sad to say. If you divorce him or agree to a divorce and you have young children together, then he is obliged as the main mortgage payer to keep up with at least half or more of the payments as part of the child maintenance/support;  there is also a clause in which the children are the ones allowed to stay in the marital home with the main carer until the youngest has left full time education if the main provider has left the home.

Secondly - no he cannot touch your own bank account.  Bear in  mind too that if you have joint savings together you are entitled to half so be vigilant in case he takes the money out.  Equally though if you have debts those are also shared in the event of a divorce. If you have a pension - he might be entitled to half of that unless you can arrange with him a quid pro quo situation.  For example - I told my H I would not touch or argue for half of his boys toys when he sold them and he wasn't entitled to half my pension.  I'd done my sums and knew he would be worse off anyway and he agreed which we noted in our separation.

Thirdly - paying the bills does not compensate for his not paying for the children's needs. He is not obliged to pay for anything that you require but as a parent he will be expected to contribute fairly to the basic costs of feeding clothing and supporting your sons.

Finally - I suggest you become a little more proactive in planning to put any monies you earn into your own bank account and make a very clear list of the financial needs of the house and children.  Prepare both financially and emotionally for the fact that you cannot continue to hope that he might pay (and yes he should contribute) because MLCers are notoriously selfish when it comes to finance.  I'm very sorry to say that divorce might end up being the better option because it guarantees that he is legally obliged to pay and you could at least use legal resources to ensure some support.  I am not advocating divorce as I stood for my marriage for 9 years but I now see that it often has to be an option to help protect the LBSer.

Thank you!
If he has debts solely in his own name, am I responsible for those?  Also anything I have saved in my own bank account after he walked out, is he entitled to half of that?   My youngest will be 18 in 4 years.  But the day after he walked out he signed a new mortgage deal for the next 5 years!!!  He co signed for me (and yes I know the implications) He said we needed the rate secured because of how quick it was rising.  House is in both names.

Lily there are some glaring red flags here.  How did he co-sign if you didnt agree to it.  Did he forge your signature?  He's broken the law in this case.  This has some serious ramifications.  Did he pull equity out your home or just refinance to a lower rate?  I would make ultra sure he didnt pull any equity. 

And I dont know the laws in NI, but in US, yes, anything you save before filing for D, he will get half, and yes, you would normally be responsible for his lease if he breaks it, if he signed the lease before D (i.e. the landlord could sue your marital estate or at a minimum tank your credit rating).  Again, all laws are geographic dependent.  But these are some real world possibilities depending on what part of the world you live.

Honestly I think you should take this ultra seriously and move towards protecting yourself.  You can still stand for your marriage if D.  It doesnt mean its over.  I think RCR mentioned in one of her vids that unfortunately reconciliation chances go down if D vs standing while married.  But in the same vid she also mentions the success rates are poor in general.  So I think the incremental benefit of standing while married here, in your case, given the real risk of financial damage....  I mean it's up to you to figure out what's best for you and your kids.   

Is it possible to pursue a separation (basically full D with custody, assets, alimony etc).  You just have a piece of paper that says you're still married (a symbol of your stand).

[lily22]

I spoke with our financial advisor not long after he signed. She said she spoke to him over and over again and is sure he does intend to pay and is not doing anything untoward.  He hasn't remortgaged or refinanced.

[WHY]

I spoke with our financial advisor not long after he signed. She said she spoke to him over and over again and is sure he does intend to pay and is not doing anything untoward.  He hasn't remortgaged or refinanced.

Sorry Lily but this is BS.  You should find a new financial advisor that will protect your interests (or if you dont have assets, at least stop taking her advice).  I'm not sure what part of her fiduciary responsibility includes "hey he said he would pay for the next 30 years so dont worry about it, we're all good".....  It doesnt work like this.  She also does not know he is temporarily mentally ill.  When he defaults, is your advisor going to be responsible for the payments or liable in any way.  Not a chance. 

So dont rely on her to protect your interests.   

[lily22]

You're right. I just have to figure out what is the best way for me and my boys.
He's literally text and told me he is taking out a consolidation loan to put all the debts into one so the repayments are lower excluding the mortgage. He's also taking this out in his name only.  I have no idea what he is playing at

[xyzcf]

Hi Lily22, welcome to Hero's Spouse,

You are getting amazing advice, outside "experts" often have no understanding of MLC..the experience of members here is truly gold.

Each state/country has very different rules so I caution you to take control and really dig into what laws apply where you live. You only get one chance to secure your financial future. It is worth the time and money to make sure that you get the best possible settlement you can.  ( I am still standing after 13 years so protecting yourself financially doesn't change how you feel about your marriage or what happens between you and him  in the future).

MLCers often lie, often do not treat us fairly, often incur huge debts ( and my understanding in many places as long as you are legally married you are responsible for half of any debts regardless of who ran them up...might be different where you live). I believed (wrongly) that since he wanted out of a 32 year marriage and was having an affair, he'd be more than willing to give me a fair settlement....I was wrong about that.

I really feel taking some control of your life empowers you . So one thing I was advised to do was to obtain copies of all financial documents, tax returns for several years, credit card balances, account numbers and balances, life insurance policies. If money goes missing later on, this is your proof of what was in each account.

Keeping a record of all your expenses for at least 6 months...everything from haircuts, groceries, gas, clothing, household expenses, pet expenses, movies, magazines..I mean everything...you will be surprised  perhaps at how much that truly is....and this can be used in a settlement to determine how much you may be entitled  to. I know, it felt horrible to me to think this way about my beloved husband and I fared much better than many people on Hero's Spouse.

You might wish to consider going back to school to get more education or training if you will need to support yourself down the road.

I strongly disagree with your financial advisor as I know too many stories of people hiding money off shore, negotiating mortgages, taking out their kids college money and basically leaving the LBS with nothing.

We did have a legal separation for 7 years which allowed me to stay on his company health insurance. He sent me a text message 9 years after BD "informing me" that he had filed for a divorce...no reason given but I lost my health insurance which was quite expensive to obtain in the US.

In a settlement agreement, things like remaining a beneficiary on any life insurance policies or having a life insurance policy that he pays for for the total amount of child support and alimony in case something should happen to him is important as well as making sure you  and the kids continue to have medical insurance coverage.

My lawyer advised me to use a forensic accountant who was working for me...and he looked at all the assets (as well as making sure that there was not money "hidden") to determine what was most advantageous for me depending upon the investments as well as tax implications.

I hated doing any of this. I felt like I was being a "traitor" letting strangers know about our financial business..like you, I could not believe that he would possibly not be fair....so much betrayal!

Taking good care of yourself is the next essential thing. Regular daily exercise, preferably walking out doors, doing some calming things like yoga, breathing or meditation exercises...many classes can be found on the internet for free.

Ask as many questions as you wish. You will get a wide range of responses but only you can eventually decide what is best for you and you family.

It's not all doom and gloom..in my case, my husband has never stopped contact with me although there have been "dry" periods.....my choice has been that we spend time together as a family...holidays, beach vacations....I see MLC as some have said "the mother of all depression" and I know that there is something every wrong with the man I loved and knew for so long...it is not about me or our marriage....and I cannot "fix him".

Accepting things as they are took many years...it's a really hard thing to go through and indeed can cause severe trauma in the LBS...finding a therapist who can treat "trauma" is also important to allow you to get to a place of healing and peace.

I am truly sorry you have entered into this world of MLC...it hurts so badly. ((((HUGS))))

[Treasur]

It isn’t a very nice feeling, we know, but one of the things you are going to need to wrap your head round is that you cannot rely on your h’s word for anything vital to you and your sons’ wellbeing. A bit like your boys have said, whatever your assumptions were about the man you married, he is not going to behave like that person.  At best, it’s not a priority for him anymore; at worst, he will lie and manipulate to get what he wants or avoid dealing with predictable consequences he doesn’t like. I’m so sorry bc that is a hard thing to adjust to, isn’t it? Which is why most of us felt insane for a little while....it’s like getting on a train to Glasgow and finding yourself in Istanbul 

Lots of wise advice from xyzcf. The very first thing to do, if you have not already done it, is to start to make a full record of all the financial stuff and your basic budget, just as she says. Having more of a sense of control is important, even if the picture is horrid, and you will need this info regardless of what path you take. And resist the temptation to behave like a ‘we’ and share any of your plans or info with your h or anyone else who might share it with your h. After all, your h did not act like a We when he decided to leave, or rent a place or redo the mortgage, did he? I suspect, for instance, that his consolidation loan will have been rounded up to give him some extra spending money and/or he has debts that you don’t know about.....He is acting like a Me, and you will need to do the same. Or an Us including your boys.

This may lead you to start thinking about things like whether in the longer term you want to stay living in the area you live in now, if you have family support elsewhere, how you might want to live differently if h is out of the mix. It is amazing how creative we can get once we get up off our blindsided distressed knees.

But right now you are in the life equivalent of triage in A&E. As if you have just been in a big serious accident. So it is about survival and basics. Do you have any clear-eyed practical friends or family who might help you think things through? Or offer help or ideas you might not have considered? Or even keep hold of spare resources you can scrape up in their name so your h can’t get hold of them now or in future? Talking to other adults may also help you figure out the line of how much or how little you share with your teenage boys....they will need to know some things of course bc life is going to be different and teenagers are naturally a bit self-centred lol, but they are not adults who can or should be involved in all of it. You are the safe, sane, stable parent now....the good news is that they only need one, the bad news is that it is a hard job to do solo....which is why you need support from other adults where you can find it.

It probably all feels pretty scary and daunting right now. And every option probably feels like a bad one. What I would encourage you to start accepting is that, whatever happens with your h in future, bc of his choices, the path ahead will now be different than you thought it would be. There is no going back bc now your h is no longer safe for you to rely on as a member of your family as you once did. Not uncommon either, i’m afraid, that MLC spouses screw up their own finances, lose steady jobs or spend money on toys/drugs/ow.....behave like teenagers with credit cards essentially. There will be losses as part of that and tbh the losses tend to be front loaded in a midlife divorce/separation so it feels like an awful slog for a while. But there will be gains and freedoms too as you slowly start to steer your own ship. It can be rather surprising what we manage to live without or including things we never thought we would have to.....life gets a bit smaller and more focused in times of emergency, I think. Just like it is in A&E, our immediate priorities change.

Imho those that can stand while remaining legally married seem to fall into two camps from what I can see. Either the spouse stays at home wallowing in a real or metaphorical basement and life goes on around/without them, or the LBS can financially support themselves while they are AWOL. So, keeping the appearance of some kind of marriage is financially and emotionally sustainable. But everything we learn here suggests that, whatever we call it, the unravelling process takes years not months and that happy marital endings stories are rare. Most of us end up divorced, either from financial necessity or without having much of a say in the matter bc our spouse and/or ow want to end the marriage (bc there usually is one particularly if they move out, folks don’t rent a place to ‘be alone’, or ride their bike,  they do it to spend time socially and horizontally with other people  ) It does sound as if financially in the medium-term, divorce may be the only route to stabilise your financial future though but I am so sorry bc we all know that this is layer after layer of awfulness.

Life will be different on the other side of this, but we can promise you that there is a life in the other side of it worth working towards, that it will get better than this awful time.

[Songanddance]

I spoke with our financial advisor not long after he signed. She said she spoke to him over and over again and is sure he does intend to pay and is not doing anything untoward.  He hasn't remortgaged or refinanced.

Sorry Lily but this is BS.  You should find a new financial advisor that will protect your interests (or if you dont have assets, at least stop taking her advice).  I'm not sure what part of her fiduciary responsibility includes "hey he said he would pay for the next 30 years so dont worry about it, we're all good".....  It doesnt work like this.  She also does not know he is temporarily mentally ill.  When he defaults, is your advisor going to be responsible for the payments or liable in any way.  Not a chance. 

So dont rely on her to protect your interests.

Agree with WHY - no financial advisor worth their salt can really see into the future. That's why their advisors and not guarantors.  They will only act upon the information given to them and they may actually have no idea of the truth.

You're right. I just have to figure out what is the best way for me and my boys.
He's literally text and told me he is taking out a consolidation loan to put all the debts into one so the repayments are lower excluding the mortgage. He's also taking this out in his name only.  I have no idea what he is playing at

Ok - there is quite likely a hidden agenda here.  Which debts is he talking about - the mortgage? What other debts does he have?
 I suspect he is looking for a clean break here which in the UK is now required before a no fault divorce. My oldest D had to go down this road when divorcing her H.

Equally - do not be fooled by what your H texts - step back and see it for what it is - a deluded man who thinks he can just throw away a marriage because in his mind, if he settles all the financial issues, he isn't responsible for the hurt and pain and anguish he is causing. 

I have to say I encountered this with my H. The OW was a financial person too not an accountant but she did consultancy work for many prestitgious companies.  She advised H of all sorts of stuff and suddenly he was coming out with financial decisions for his business and suggestions as to our finances that I knew weren't his ideas; he'd always left the home finances to me and I used to book keep for his business.

You say that you think there is no other OW - I'm really sorry to say this but there might now be. MLCers are usually chaotic and equally devious.  Your H is most definitely playing a game here - consolidating the loans and only his name is not philanthropic of him - it's because he's planning something. Usually there's someone behind this need to game play especially with clingers and yours is. 

If he has debts solely in his own name, am I responsible for those?   Also anything I have saved in my own bank account after he walked out, is he entitled to half of that? 

   
These comments from various UK websites should help you with this. Note they are UK and not necessarily applicable to NI

 Who pays debt in divorce?
Any debts taken out in the name of an individual will officially remain the responsibility of the respective spouse who took out the loan etc.
If they just have their own name on the lending agreement, the creditor will only hold them responsible for payment.

How is debt divided during a divorce?
If you’re getting a divorce with debt on the books, you’ll have to look at who’s legally responsible for it. The person who signed the credit agreement is typically accountable. So, if you signed for it, you’re responsible. However, if you and your former spouse took out a joint credit arrangement, you’re both responsible for any debt that may arise.

Courts may also divide up debts when calculating how to award assets to both you and your ex-partner. They typically look at whether the debt was incurred during the marriage, and if it was to pay for something that would benefit both partners, or just one.

Paying off debts together after a divorce
When you take out a joint credit agreement – for example, a mortgage or joint credit card account – then a link is created between the two of you, called a financial association. If you and your ex-partner are financially linked, lenders may look at their credit history as well as yours if you apply for new credit on your own. Their borrowing history could affect yours, and vice versa, unless you get the financial association removed from your credit report.
https://www.equifax.co.uk/resources/debt-management/divorce-and-debt.html#:~:text=The%20person%20who%20signed%20the,any%20debt%20that%20may%20arise.


Use XYs advice about collating and record keeping.  You may need it.  Consider yourself separated from H and if truly worried seek mediation to clarify and bind H to his financial commitment.

[lily22]

So he's shown me his finances to prove what's he's saying. He says he will take care of us because he understands his responsibility to me and the boys.
I don't know what to do or think. It's all madness.  He's agreed to me opening a savings account and for him to pay into each month also.

Maybe he isn't in MLC. Maybe he just doesn't love me anymore even though there were no signs and maybe he is trying to do the right thing

[Nas]

My advice, for what it’s worth, would be not to worry right now whether it is MLC or not. Either way, everything you need to do is the same: protect your children and make sure they will be provided for, detach and start planning ahead. Trying to look for signs of MLC will actually keep you stuck in these early days. I know it’s hard, I know it hurts, but you have to protect yourself from the things that are actually happening right now.

He showed you his finances, what does that mean, he showed you a copy of bank account statements, credit card statements, pension fund… I ask this because I saw a divorce lawyer two-ish months after BD, contacted a mediator and started trying to get him to exchange financial information. Where I come from, you need the last three years of financials. It took him almost a year to finally produce the required financial statement, which is literally just a one page form. There were tons of discrepancies and missing information. For instance, the bank statements he provided showed money being deposited every two weeks from another account. He had actually in fact changed his direct deposit to a new different account, which he didn’t disclose and didn’t provide the statements for. He was then depositing money from that account into the account for which he provided me the statement and he somehow thought I was dumb enough to think that  he was making less money. He provided only partial documents and there was evidence of all kinds of withdrawals and movements of money, some that were clear - ATM withdrawals at casinos, payments to online bookies 🙄 - others that were completely unexplained and I couldn’t afford a forensic accountant.
I also found out that he had been paying rent on an apartment in another state for 6 months, an empty apartment that was for the purposes of him establishing residency before he actually moved.
And it wasnt until about 18 months or so  after BD that I found out about the credit card he opened in just my name, which still causes a sting every time I make the monthly payment.

What I am saying is if he “showed you” his financials and gave you his word, that’s great. But you need to get paper copies of everything he showed you and go over them with an attorney of your own - definitely not just with your shared financial planner.  Maybe he will do right by you financially, maybe he won’t do anything deceptive and maybe he won’t be financially irresponsible, and for your sake and your kids’ sake I really hope that’s the case. But you have kids who need to be provided for, so need to verify rather than just taking his word - whether he is MLC or not, because not being in MLC absolutely does not guarantee he won’t try to shirk responsibility for his family. He doesn’t need to know that you met with a professional, but you should definitely do so.

[UrsaMajor]

What I am saying is if he “showed you” his financials and gave you his word, that’s great. But you need to get paper copies of everything he showed you and go over them with an attorney of your own - definitely not just with your shared financial planner.  Maybe he will do right by you financially, maybe he won’t do anything deceptive and maybe he won’t be financially irresponsible, and for your sake and your kids’ sake I really hope that’s the case. But you have kids who need to be provided for, so need to verify rather than just taking his word - whether he is MLC or not, because not being in MLC absolutely does not guarantee he won’t try to shirk responsibility for his family. He doesn’t need to know that you met with a professional, but you should definitely do so.

[Treasur]

Only you can decide if you will choose to trust your h on these issues and how big the risk is if you do and turn out to be mistaken. Or indeed how easy or difficult it is for you to live with the uncertainty. We often say here that concrete actions carry more weight than words....so what do you think your h’s concrete actions tell you over his words?

There is an Arab proverb which, roughly translated, says Trust in God....but tie up your own camel. Which imho is about taking responsibility for one’s own basic wellbeing and having a back up plan, even if one hopes one might not need it. Or hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I’m sorry bc this is a hard situation to be in and i’d Imagine that your head is struggling to play catch up on how trustworthy or reliable this current version of your h might be compared to how you have seen him in the past. We get how painful, and hard, this process is, truly we do....most of us have been there to a greater or lesser degree when the stakes feel so high and one feels so vulnerable and overwhelmed. But one can only move forward from where one is and wishing does not change how it is, does it? It is as it is....but it can get better, step by step, once you have a sense of direction that does not depend on someone else’s crazy rollercoaster. Take your time, breathe and think about what that direction might look like if you put you and your kids’ needs first and foremost?

[Songanddance]

Trust in God....but tie up your own camel

The best advice EVER!  for anyone regardless of MLC or not.  Look after yourself, your finances, your children and your well-being always!

[Dragonfly33]

From my experience, I would advise you to make a legal agreement regarding finances. I trusted my ex h and I agreed to all he said in the beginning without lawyers involved because I was scared he it would even push him more away from me and would trigger a divorce. Looking back, I should have involved a lawyer from the very start. My ex guilt eventually expired and he got really nasty in the end. So make sure that when it comes to finances, there should be a legal binding that when your h changes his mind which is very common in MLC, he is legally bound and he cannot just back out from your agreement.

[WHY]

So he's shown me his finances to prove what's he's saying. He says he will take care of us because he understands his responsibility to me and the boys.
I don't know what to do or think. It's all madness.  He's agreed to me opening a savings account and for him to pay into each month also.

Maybe he isn't in MLC. Maybe he just doesn't love me anymore even though there were no signs and maybe he is trying to do the right thing

Lily please listen to this advice.  Even if your H is telling the truth now (and thats a big IF), he's having an identify crisis, and could be a totally different person tomorrow, with a whole new set of values.  It's impossible to trust anything a MLCer says because they change their minds, beliefs, values, personality etc all the time.  It's not that they're suddenly become evil at their core (albeit that's what their behavior appears to us).  It's that they have no idea who they are or what they want and are self destructing as they try to figure it out, consuming the people around them as they do so.

[lily22]

So he's written up a letter and terms and conditions which I am ok with. I'm not delighted but I'm ok with them. He's taking them to a solicitor on Wednesday to get them notarised and making a will?  I'm in the UK so there is no provision for financial arrangements unless divorcing or officially separating.  This document will not be legally binding but it seems that a judge would look unkindly if it wasn't upheld.  I don't really feel I have any alternative

[KayDee]

Gosh Lily, if you feel you have no choice but to agree to something, that's pretty close to the definition of duress. I'm mindful not to add more weight to the pressure you must feel, but please remember, just because your husband is in a super-fast rush, does not mean you have to be. Take the time you need. Take the advice you need. You are probably quite vulnerable at the moment, and it may not be the best time to make a decision like this without support. I believe (although we have hit the England versus NI issue before) that there are other optionsk for instance, you can initiate your own legal separation
https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/separation-agreements-instead-of-divorce-or-dissolution
I really understand this is overwhelming and you may feel unable to face it, but it does have long term implications.

Can you ask a trusted friend or family member to work with you on this. Or better, a solicitor?

Please know, you can take a pause to give this some more thought. It's perfectly reasonable - you have an equal say in this.

[lily22]

I have asked 3 solicitors.  They've all said roughly the same.  The last one was one of repute locally and I showed him this letter. He advised me to do nothing until he stopped paying. He said if that's what he is willing to do let him. But it's ok for him, he doesn't have to sit and wait each month to see does he pay.  If I go for separation myself and the finances are divided I will lose our home because I cannot take on the mortgage alone my job doesn't pay well enough. 
And I am having such a horrendous day.  Today is 17 weeks from BD and the first day he hasn't text me.  He has text me every single day from he left and I've been trying to do smart contact as much as possible but today it hurts and I don't even know why because I wanted the stupid texts to stop.  I think I just feel so alone.  It is so much to deal with.

[Dragonfly33]

Kaydee is right, you don’t have to agree now. You can tell him, you need time to think about it. It’s totally normal that you are scared to lose your home and to be in a situation where you are financially insecure. I’ve been there.. My H wanted me to move out of our apartment back in 2019. It scared me a lot especially that I didn’t work 100%. I was worried I would not be able to pay an apartment of my own. I couldn’t stay in our apartment either and kick him out because it was too expensive for me alone. Even though where I live, the law says in case of separation I should take the same standard of apartment that we had at the time. Everybody who went through divorce advised me to take a lawyer but I did not because I was so scared of not being able to pay a lawyer. I agreed to what my ex proposed and I took a cheap apartment. The problem was, eventually we divorced and the financial support was based on the agreement we had when we separated. I could have gotten more but I didn’t because I trusted my x. Even though I consulted a lawyer, I didn’t really push it and I let him do most of the decision making which was a mistake. So, take it as it is a business deal. I had the same advise but I was so scared and worried. I got some financial support from him for a short time until I am able to find a 100% position which is difficult with my profile.  But please, be selfish this time.  You are worried abouy losing your house. Take it this way, if eventually your H is going to file that D, are you going to lose your house? If that’s the case then I think it’s perhaps better that you file the legal separation. Either way you’re going to lose the house but at least you have a huge say about financial agreements.

I can totally understand how you feel now about him not texting you. I suffered from this for 2 years. I had a clinging boomerang and even though we separated he kept texting me either fighting me or professing his love. Mostly professing his love but doing the opposite. That is agonizing and like you I wanted the texts to stop. But when it stopped I kept checking my phone and I felt so down. It was like a drug because the texts triggered my emotions. When he finally stopped texting last year, I went through some sort of withdrawal. It was excruciatingly painful. But now, I am at peace. I got used to his absence. What I’m trying to say is what you’re feeling right now is totally normal. Even after 3 years there are still moments when I wished he was with me because I felt alone. What’s important now is you do not have to decide now even if your h is rushing you. You also have a say to this. Don’t let him bully you. Im so sorry that you have to go through this. I know how difficult it is and I know you can feel defeated at times. Perhaps it would help if you talk to your family or friends. Hugs to you Lily.

[WHY]

And please whatever happens.  Please don’t sign anything without proper representation. 

[WHY]

I have asked 3 solicitors.  They've all said roughly the same.  The last one was one of repute locally and I showed him this letter. He advised me to do nothing until he stopped paying. He said if that's what he is willing to do let him. But it's ok for him, he doesn't have to sit and wait each month to see does he pay.  If I go for separation myself and the finances are divided I will lose our home because I cannot take on the mortgage alone my job doesn't pay well enough. 
And I am having such a horrendous day.  Today is 17 weeks from BD and the first day he hasn't text me.  He has text me every single day from he left and I've been trying to do smart contact as much as possible but today it hurts and I don't even know why because I wanted the stupid texts to stop.  I think I just feel so alone.  It is so much to deal with.

It sounds like if you file, or your H files, you lose the house as it must be sold?  At that point the courts should order that his income be split and used for you both to rent apartments independently. 

It sounds like you have some time.  But it probably makes sense to put together a battle plan for when the house is sold.  It’s highly likely this happens at some point.  Think about neighborhoods where you can live and what you can afford with his split income. 

Also, I don’t know if you work full time, but is it possible to do that, retrain in something?   No way you can deal with this now, but in time, things will get better and this is something to think about. 

You will have to find a way to become completely independent of you H. 

[Songanddance]

I have asked 3 solicitors.  They've all said roughly the same.  The last one was one of repute locally and I showed him this letter. He advised me to do nothing until he stopped paying. He said if that's what he is willing to do let him. But it's ok for him, he doesn't have to sit and wait each month to see does he pay.  If I go for separation myself and the finances are divided I will lose our home because I cannot take on the mortgage alone my job doesn't pay well enough. 
And I am having such a horrendous day.  Today is 17 weeks from BD and the first day he hasn't text me.  He has text me every single day from he left and I've been trying to do smart contact as much as possible but today it hurts and I don't even know why because I wanted the stupid texts to stop.  I think I just feel so alone.  It is so much to deal with.

Lily - I hear you.  I am baffled at the fact that none of them have mentioned home rights or advised you to register your name on the property's LAND registry. This will help protect you. This is UK law.

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/housing/your-housing-rights-when-you-separate/?gclid=CjwKCAiAoL6eBhA3EiwAXDom5jGLU4hfaN2l7FSjs8xMafHevP7y5X_iiQrIE9dLcWTnSO1AELHc7RoCnXQQAvD_BwE

https://www.gov.uk/stay-in-home-during-separation-or-divorce?step-by-step-nav=84b7fdca-a8b0-4500-bc27-dafeab9f1401

https://www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership

[lily22]

Our house is in both names.  They've said do nothing because essentially we've no money, no assets etc so nothing of value.  There's little to no equity in the home and they are aware of my wages

[Songanddance]

Our house is in both names.  They've said do nothing because essentially we've no money, no assets etc so nothing of value.  There's little to no equity in the home and they are aware of my wages

Ok - That's the best advice at the moment.  However should you face divorce, there has been and may still be a practice by which the children are allowed to stay in the home with the main carer (aka you) and the leaving spouse should contribute financially ensuring that the children can be brought up in the family home until the youngest finishes full time education.  I am not sure how you arrive at that and there is no guarantee that this is a blanket rule but it certainly applied to a couple of friends I knew who had young children and the husband walked out.
However it used to be on the GOV website - or something official like that.  It's usually for divorce situations though.

[Akkie1973]

You can't trust these men. Especially when they go deeper into the tunnel. Is it possible for you to find a job so you are not depended on him? I have always earned my own money. I am happy that I am financially stable and I don't have to worry about that right now.

[lily22]

I do have a job and I have a side line as well but still I am not stable and I cannot find anything else because I care for ill parents and my brother

[Songanddance]

Can you get "attendance" allowance?  I didn't realise it but when my MIL was diagnosed with Alzheimers way back in 2009 - we gained power of attorney. We were then told by the official who visited us to check a whole load of stuff out (naturally and correct to do so) that even though we weren't daytime carers we could get her attendance allowance which would help out with the finances. I can't remember the details.   
If you are caring for your ill parents and brother (is he also ill?) then you may find a level of income support there as it is preventing you from getting a full time job.  The other thing are you earning too much in your job to gain any other form of governmental support such as a small universal credit payment or now you are the sole carer for your children - can you get any form of child tax credit ?   It's been some time since I had to look into all this - citizen's advice Bureau may be able to help too.  Solicitors don't usually have a handle on this - but CAB will.

[lily22]

I earn too much to get benefits.  If I want benefits CAB have told me to close my business.  Benefits won't allow me to be able to pay my way. And my job doesn't earn enough to be able to get a mortgage.  So you can see my situation is a mess

[Songanddance]

I'm with you on this.

It is a mess because the system is a mess.

Thanks for clarifying.

[Treasur]

First of all, I don’t want to downplay how stuck between a rock and a hard place you might feel right now. And how hard it can be wrapping your mind around big life practicalities when a spouse has pulled the rug out from under your feet.

I’m not sure what area you live in or the practical/financial/distance constraints of your family caring obligations, schools etc.

Here is what I have found out in life, and LBS life, though. When we feel stuck, it is often because we are positioning the walls of our mental problem-solving box a bit tightly. Trying to find a solution that essentially keeps life as it is or fits an understandable wish list. When circumstances change, if we can’t make that box fit, it can help (and be a bit scary as well) to shift the walls of our mental box.

First things first....do you have other helpful adults....friends or family....to help you think out loud to yourself about options? All of them....from the awful to the wacky to the interim stepping stones to the maybes. There are imho times in life when being able to use someone else’s creative brain and objective ‘what if’ questions and challenges can be a real gift.

As an example, if I understand you right you have minimal equity in the house you’re living in currently and your h has atm made a semi-legal agreement about a level of financial contribution to your and your kids living costs? Does that have a timescale? And the legal advice you’ve got basically says sit tight and hope he pays what he said he will? What do they suggest you do if he doesn’t?

Fwiw, I would be treating that as a time to plan your option Bs and Cs, assume that you will end up needing to be financially self-supporting and probably divorced to ensure your financial stability (in the spirit of planning for the worst while hoping for the best). I’m going to assume that what you say is accurate....that you are not in a position to get a mortgage right now. So, that means looking at other options that don’t require a mortgage, at least for the next couple of years. It’s another kind of loss, I know, but there are plenty of folks who live quite happily in rented places......when I found myself in this situation (long story why), whilst it wasn’t what I wanted or ever imagined after decades of house ownership, there were some advantages to it too. It allowed me some flexibility tbh when PTSD meant I couldn’t think my way out of a paper bag  It allowed me to make shorter-term decisions when I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.

So, basics.....do you know what the legal minimum child/spousal support amount would be if you end up as a solo parent? Would you get enough from your share of the equity to pay a rental deposit etc? Can you borrow money from family or move in with them while you find your feet financially? Do you want to stay or need to stay living in the same area, particularly if it is an expensive one? Do you earn enough to pay basic living costs for you and your sons? If not, how big is the gap?

Emotionally, these are hard things to consider, I know....my xh’s departure coincided with losing my father and my mother’s disappearance into dementia, no kids, no siblings....just me and my old cat Louis trying to figure out how to find some safe ground  ......it was a truly horrible time tbh. But it did not last forever.....quite a few changes along the way, some good, some not so, some planned and some not....but it does not feel like it did in those darkest days. Still, one can only move forward from where we are at a given time with what we can hold in our own hands......imho feeling reliant on things one can’t control or rely on is a deeply exhausting way to live. Having said that, you sound like a hard working and naturally entrepreneurial soul so I suspect, once you get unstuck from where you are right now, you may find that it opens some doors as well as closing some.

[lily22]

I appreciate you trying to help so much.  I'll try to answer these so you can see my predicament.
So private rentals local to me all start at around 800pcm at the moment which is much more than my mortgage with a 2 month deposit.
Social housing currently are relocating people to 40 miles away from my town which as my parents main carer that's not going to work.
 meant I couldn’t think my way out of a paper bag  It allowed me to make shorter-term decisions when I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.
He is not going to pay spousal or child maintenance apparently. Just look after the bills until they're paid (18 years for the mortgage). He will send extra when he can 🙈 his solicitor told him he was already being too generous (laughable)

I'm trying to use my side hustle to build up savings so that if he stops paying I have enough that will see us able to survive for a few months.  It's the long game that is killing me.  I know all this crap he is talking is ridiculous and even more so long term.
My family have no money coming from a house of illness it's hard for them to save as hospital stays etc have eaten away at whatever was there.  My brother is chronically ill and so will get my parents house as there's no where else for him so there's nothing that way either.I earn enough to keep them fed, warm and clothed as well as paying for their activities.

It sounds like you went through hell.  I do believe it's the fluidity of the situation that is causing me most of the worry. I like plans and lists and this is chaos.
I believe that I have 4/5 years to get this together? My youngest will be 18 then and my h locked us into that mortgage deal so I have that time I think to get myself into a better place.  I guess it is the how. And I've had so many forced changes as past few weeks I'm reluctant to make any more decisions at present.
As I've said previously the solicitors havent been terribly helpful.  They've been black and white and I understand that but this is very much grey
In other developments he's consolidated all the loans/debts now so all the debt is now in his name solely.  The only thing joint is the mortgage.
 

[xyzcf]

So private rentals local to me all start at around 800pcm at the moment which is much more than my mortgage with a 2 month deposit.

You have a lot more going on with family issues. Takes so much energy.

I was able to stay in my house. Once we had the legal separation settled, I renegotiated the mortgage over a longer period of time. I did look at moving but the taxes and HOA fees were higher, plus all the costs to move. I also consider my home an investment as it has appreciated in value a great deal. I also could have rented a room in my house if I needed to.

It's the long game that is killing me.  I know all this crap he is talking is ridiculous and even more so long term.

The uncertainty coupled with limited financial resources makes this very difficult. You sound resourceful and I think you'll find a way to work it ourt A friend from HS who was a stay at home mom was able to find employment and also continues to grade papers as a side job. Another, whose situation was very dire has managed beautifully to regain some financial stability.

Try and stay out of any debt if possible for you end up spending more on interest payments. Glad he has consolidated the debt and is taking responsibility for that.

[Songanddance]

Is this a legal separation?  Have you signed such a document?   He has effectively abandoned the family and I can't see why you can't enforce a legal separation which would include child maintenance.  I suppose he thinks that by paying the mortgage that absolves him from any further responsibility. 

Sorry Lily but you may have to consider a more legal route.

[Treasur]

I believe that I have 4/5 years to get this together? My youngest will be 18 then and my h locked us into that mortgage deal so I have that time I think to get myself into a better place.  I guess it is the how. And I've had so many forced changes as past few weeks I'm reluctant to make any more decisions at present.

Please keep reminding yourself that it’s ok to go step by step and that not all priorities are equally pressing even if they feel like they are. Another poster here has a saying about learning to shoot the wolves closest to the sled in the moment....and those are not always the loudest or the biggest and they move around 

We LBS can be very hard on ourselves, I think, and shocked brains scrabble around a bit for a while. That’s normal.... normal too that 30 years is a long time to just shrug off like it’s not a life-altering change. The fact that so many of our departing spouses, at least initially, seem to do so is imho more of a sign of their f’ed up POV than our own  Another LBS shared with me her opinion from reading years of stories here that it is a bit LBS tortoise compared to MLC hare....for a couple of years it can seem like the MLCer has rushed off to a new magic happy while we are slugging through mud with a bucket on our heads dealing with all the grown up stuff....but, with time, that starts to reverse bc just as the LBS starts to recover and rebuild is often the point when real life consequences tend to show up for the MLCer and that magic happy bucket has some big holes.....

It might feel hard for a while, but try to balance the big scary stuff with the everyday good stuff of life too where you can. Bc life for you and your boys does go on regardless and it can help a lot to notice those things too. Even if they feel really small for a while compared to the big stuff that is not so good. I found taking time each evening to write down three good things from each day that I was grateful for bc it sort of made me notice them amidst the s$itshow....tbh they were pathetically small scraps initially lol but as I kept doing it they got bigger and easier to see 

[lily22]

You're so right Treasur. I'm gonna start writing down 3 things each day.  And you know we're all still here and my boys and I are closer than ever.

Song-and-dance no not legal anything in fact his solicitor said he w as s being too generous and wouldn't noterise it.  I can't go down the legal route yet as the lawyers I've seen all have told me the same thing. It's better to wait him out as financially I will be in a lot of trouble otherwise

[Nas]

his solicitor said he w as s being too generous and wouldn't noterise it.

I’m assuming your husband is the one who told you this. 
I don’t know how they do things in the UK but it’s starting to sound very fishy (and unethical) that so many legal representatives are telling you to basically just sit tight and trust your husband’s word. You have rights, Lily, and I cannot stress enough the importance of looking into them.

[lily22]

Only.one said sit tight until he stopped paying. The other 2 said sell the house and move on..I've explained why that isn't an option for me between affordability and my care duties.
He holds all the cards and he knows it.

[KayDee]

There are a few free services you can make use of - Citizen's Advice is one. They can often help across a range of things, so definitely worth a visit. And a quick google gave me this https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/contacts/child-maintenance-service-northern-ireland " Child Maintenance Service - Northern Ireland  Quote:- The Northern Ireland Child Maintenance Service is responsible for making sure parents living apart from their children contribute financially by paying child maintenance." - I would certainly call them (if you haven't already that is). I think we are all frustrated on your behalf Lily! Non of this seems quite right. ((((hugs)))