[KayDee]

ps... I was also told NOT to sell the home outside of the divorce process.

[Treasur]

Out of interest, where is your h living and how is he paying for that?

[Songanddance]

In the Uk what happens is this. (I have no idea what similarities there are with the US as it seems to differ from state to state.)

If the house is registered with Land Registry in both names and you are tenants or joint tenants in common then it matters little who pays the mortgage - the house is 50/50 split regardless.

IN the UK Assuming that the LBS does have his/her name on the Land Registry , if the "leaving " party aka the MLCer defaults on his contribution to the mortgage then yes it would fall upon you to pay the remainder.  However this is one reason for divorce sad to say. If you divorce him or agree to a divorce and you have young children together, then he is obliged as the main mortgage payer to keep up with at least half or more of the payments as part of the child maintenance/support;  there is also a clause in which the children are the ones allowed to stay in the marital home with the main carer until the youngest has left full time education if the main provider has left the home.

Secondly - no he cannot touch your own bank account.  Bear in  mind too that if you have joint savings together you are entitled to half so be vigilant in case he takes the money out.  Equally though if you have debts those are also shared in the event of a divorce. If you have a pension - he might be entitled to half of that unless you can arrange with him a quid pro quo situation.  For example - I told my H I would not touch or argue for half of his boys toys when he sold them and he wasn't entitled to half my pension.  I'd done my sums and knew he would be worse off anyway and he agreed which we noted in our separation.

Thirdly - paying the bills does not compensate for his not paying for the children's needs. He is not obliged to pay for anything that you require but as a parent he will be expected to contribute fairly to the basic costs of feeding clothing and supporting your sons.

Finally - I suggest you become a little more proactive in planning to put any monies you earn into your own bank account and make a very clear list of the financial needs of the house and children.  Prepare both financially and emotionally for the fact that you cannot continue to hope that he might pay (and yes he should contribute) because MLCers are notoriously selfish when it comes to finance.  I'm very sorry to say that divorce might end up being the better option because it guarantees that he is legally obliged to pay and you could at least use legal resources to ensure some support.  I am not advocating divorce as I stood for my marriage for 9 years but I now see that it often has to be an option to help protect the LBSer.

[lily22]

I paid also, I am in N Ireland so maybe that is it?   Though to be honest it was very early days when I went.  We really have no assets at all we literally only bought the house 2 years ago.  Just a mess

[lily22]

He has written out a list of what he intends to pay (all bills) and is making a will apparently.  He says he doesn't want divorce but wants to remain married in name and is lodging this letter with his solicitor but I know that its not worth the paper it is written on

[KayDee]

Hi Lily, take a deep breath. I know full well how hard this is. I could hardly bear to even look at our shared account in the early days. What helped me was to ask a close friend over to my home, someone who is good with practicalities, and asked her to go through things with me. I am capable, it was more of the emotional support. But you might also find a second brain on the matter helpful too. In the early days we are in fight mode, I was flailing around. And I took some blame, which meant I could not see the outrageous injustice of being left with all the responsibility. That is to say, we do not do our best thinking at this time.

Song echoes what my solicitor told me. I need to clarify this myself, but I believe that, if you have a date of separation, any debts accrued after that are not your responsibility. And indeed, any income, say for instance you inherited some money, that would not be shared after separation. Getting written proof of this date could prove useful I suggest. I can't see why NI law would be so different, but I just don't know TBH. Hopefully you now have more detail to ask informed questions of your solicitor.

[KayDee]

It seems the law is different in NI
https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/getting-divorce-or-dissolving-civil-partnership#toc-1
It seems if you were to go down this route 'desertion' would be the grounds.

[Songanddance]

He has written out a list of what he intends to pay (all bills) and is making a will apparently.  He says he doesn't want divorce but wants to remain married in name and is lodging this letter with his solicitor but I know that its not worth the paper it is written on

Sounds like a clinger.  Most clingers don't want a divorce. It may seem like it's not worth the paper it's written on but if it is notarised by his solicitor, and you can ask him to do that, then it is legally binding.  So should he default on his payments, you have every right to pursue in the legal sense. 

My H never wanted a divorce and he continued to pay his contribution to the bills throughout the 9 years before we separated (including stepping up to pay the mortgage when I left my work through stress) He just didn't want to be part of the marriage and for a whole host of reasons that baffled me -chose to "stay Married" without being active in the marriage.
It can happen. Not always and by most of MLCers' actions on here not that often. I consider myself fortunate in that regard but then again I did have a very good job and paid the mortgage and food etc for almost all of our marriage.

KD gives good advice by getting someone close and someone you can trust to go through the financials with you before you consult another solicitor.

[lily22]

Out of interest, where is your h living and how is he paying for that?

He moved out night of BD to a hotel for 3 nights, then to a relative for 3 weeks and is currently renting an apartment

[lily22]

In the Uk what happens is this. (I have no idea what similarities there are with the US as it seems to differ from state to state.)

If the house is registered with Land Registry in both names and you are tenants or joint tenants in common then it matters little who pays the mortgage - the house is 50/50 split regardless.

IN the UK Assuming that the LBS does have his/her name on the Land Registry , if the "leaving " party aka the MLCer defaults on his contribution to the mortgage then yes it would fall upon you to pay the remainder.  However this is one reason for divorce sad to say. If you divorce him or agree to a divorce and you have young children together, then he is obliged as the main mortgage payer to keep up with at least half or more of the payments as part of the child maintenance/support;  there is also a clause in which the children are the ones allowed to stay in the marital home with the main carer until the youngest has left full time education if the main provider has left the home.

Secondly - no he cannot touch your own bank account.  Bear in  mind too that if you have joint savings together you are entitled to half so be vigilant in case he takes the money out.  Equally though if you have debts those are also shared in the event of a divorce. If you have a pension - he might be entitled to half of that unless you can arrange with him a quid pro quo situation.  For example - I told my H I would not touch or argue for half of his boys toys when he sold them and he wasn't entitled to half my pension.  I'd done my sums and knew he would be worse off anyway and he agreed which we noted in our separation.

Thirdly - paying the bills does not compensate for his not paying for the children's needs. He is not obliged to pay for anything that you require but as a parent he will be expected to contribute fairly to the basic costs of feeding clothing and supporting your sons.

Finally - I suggest you become a little more proactive in planning to put any monies you earn into your own bank account and make a very clear list of the financial needs of the house and children.  Prepare both financially and emotionally for the fact that you cannot continue to hope that he might pay (and yes he should contribute) because MLCers are notoriously selfish when it comes to finance.  I'm very sorry to say that divorce might end up being the better option because it guarantees that he is legally obliged to pay and you could at least use legal resources to ensure some support.  I am not advocating divorce as I stood for my marriage for 9 years but I now see that it often has to be an option to help protect the LBSer.

Thank you!
If he has debts solely in his own name, am I responsible for those?  Also anything I have saved in my own bank account after he walked out, is he entitled to half of that?   My youngest will be 18 in 4 years.  But the day after he walked out he signed a new mortgage deal for the next 5 years!!!  He co signed for me (and yes I know the implications) He said we needed the rate secured because of how quick it was rising.  House is in both names.