[Songanddance]

I'm with you on this.

It is a mess because the system is a mess.

Thanks for clarifying.

[Treasur]

First of all, I don’t want to downplay how stuck between a rock and a hard place you might feel right now. And how hard it can be wrapping your mind around big life practicalities when a spouse has pulled the rug out from under your feet.

I’m not sure what area you live in or the practical/financial/distance constraints of your family caring obligations, schools etc.

Here is what I have found out in life, and LBS life, though. When we feel stuck, it is often because we are positioning the walls of our mental problem-solving box a bit tightly. Trying to find a solution that essentially keeps life as it is or fits an understandable wish list. When circumstances change, if we can’t make that box fit, it can help (and be a bit scary as well) to shift the walls of our mental box.

First things first....do you have other helpful adults....friends or family....to help you think out loud to yourself about options? All of them....from the awful to the wacky to the interim stepping stones to the maybes. There are imho times in life when being able to use someone else’s creative brain and objective ‘what if’ questions and challenges can be a real gift.

As an example, if I understand you right you have minimal equity in the house you’re living in currently and your h has atm made a semi-legal agreement about a level of financial contribution to your and your kids living costs? Does that have a timescale? And the legal advice you’ve got basically says sit tight and hope he pays what he said he will? What do they suggest you do if he doesn’t?

Fwiw, I would be treating that as a time to plan your option Bs and Cs, assume that you will end up needing to be financially self-supporting and probably divorced to ensure your financial stability (in the spirit of planning for the worst while hoping for the best). I’m going to assume that what you say is accurate....that you are not in a position to get a mortgage right now. So, that means looking at other options that don’t require a mortgage, at least for the next couple of years. It’s another kind of loss, I know, but there are plenty of folks who live quite happily in rented places......when I found myself in this situation (long story why), whilst it wasn’t what I wanted or ever imagined after decades of house ownership, there were some advantages to it too. It allowed me some flexibility tbh when PTSD meant I couldn’t think my way out of a paper bag  It allowed me to make shorter-term decisions when I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.

So, basics.....do you know what the legal minimum child/spousal support amount would be if you end up as a solo parent? Would you get enough from your share of the equity to pay a rental deposit etc? Can you borrow money from family or move in with them while you find your feet financially? Do you want to stay or need to stay living in the same area, particularly if it is an expensive one? Do you earn enough to pay basic living costs for you and your sons? If not, how big is the gap?

Emotionally, these are hard things to consider, I know....my xh’s departure coincided with losing my father and my mother’s disappearance into dementia, no kids, no siblings....just me and my old cat Louis trying to figure out how to find some safe ground  ......it was a truly horrible time tbh. But it did not last forever.....quite a few changes along the way, some good, some not so, some planned and some not....but it does not feel like it did in those darkest days. Still, one can only move forward from where we are at a given time with what we can hold in our own hands......imho feeling reliant on things one can’t control or rely on is a deeply exhausting way to live. Having said that, you sound like a hard working and naturally entrepreneurial soul so I suspect, once you get unstuck from where you are right now, you may find that it opens some doors as well as closing some.

[lily22]

I appreciate you trying to help so much.  I'll try to answer these so you can see my predicament.
So private rentals local to me all start at around 800pcm at the moment which is much more than my mortgage with a 2 month deposit.
Social housing currently are relocating people to 40 miles away from my town which as my parents main carer that's not going to work.
 meant I couldn’t think my way out of a paper bag  It allowed me to make shorter-term decisions when I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.
He is not going to pay spousal or child maintenance apparently. Just look after the bills until they're paid (18 years for the mortgage). He will send extra when he can 🙈 his solicitor told him he was already being too generous (laughable)

I'm trying to use my side hustle to build up savings so that if he stops paying I have enough that will see us able to survive for a few months.  It's the long game that is killing me.  I know all this crap he is talking is ridiculous and even more so long term.
My family have no money coming from a house of illness it's hard for them to save as hospital stays etc have eaten away at whatever was there.  My brother is chronically ill and so will get my parents house as there's no where else for him so there's nothing that way either.I earn enough to keep them fed, warm and clothed as well as paying for their activities.

It sounds like you went through hell.  I do believe it's the fluidity of the situation that is causing me most of the worry. I like plans and lists and this is chaos.
I believe that I have 4/5 years to get this together? My youngest will be 18 then and my h locked us into that mortgage deal so I have that time I think to get myself into a better place.  I guess it is the how. And I've had so many forced changes as past few weeks I'm reluctant to make any more decisions at present.
As I've said previously the solicitors havent been terribly helpful.  They've been black and white and I understand that but this is very much grey
In other developments he's consolidated all the loans/debts now so all the debt is now in his name solely.  The only thing joint is the mortgage.
 

[xyzcf]

So private rentals local to me all start at around 800pcm at the moment which is much more than my mortgage with a 2 month deposit.

You have a lot more going on with family issues. Takes so much energy.

I was able to stay in my house. Once we had the legal separation settled, I renegotiated the mortgage over a longer period of time. I did look at moving but the taxes and HOA fees were higher, plus all the costs to move. I also consider my home an investment as it has appreciated in value a great deal. I also could have rented a room in my house if I needed to.

It's the long game that is killing me.  I know all this crap he is talking is ridiculous and even more so long term.

The uncertainty coupled with limited financial resources makes this very difficult. You sound resourceful and I think you'll find a way to work it ourt A friend from HS who was a stay at home mom was able to find employment and also continues to grade papers as a side job. Another, whose situation was very dire has managed beautifully to regain some financial stability.

Try and stay out of any debt if possible for you end up spending more on interest payments. Glad he has consolidated the debt and is taking responsibility for that.

[Songanddance]

Is this a legal separation?  Have you signed such a document?   He has effectively abandoned the family and I can't see why you can't enforce a legal separation which would include child maintenance.  I suppose he thinks that by paying the mortgage that absolves him from any further responsibility. 

Sorry Lily but you may have to consider a more legal route.

[Treasur]

I believe that I have 4/5 years to get this together? My youngest will be 18 then and my h locked us into that mortgage deal so I have that time I think to get myself into a better place.  I guess it is the how. And I've had so many forced changes as past few weeks I'm reluctant to make any more decisions at present.

Please keep reminding yourself that it’s ok to go step by step and that not all priorities are equally pressing even if they feel like they are. Another poster here has a saying about learning to shoot the wolves closest to the sled in the moment....and those are not always the loudest or the biggest and they move around 

We LBS can be very hard on ourselves, I think, and shocked brains scrabble around a bit for a while. That’s normal.... normal too that 30 years is a long time to just shrug off like it’s not a life-altering change. The fact that so many of our departing spouses, at least initially, seem to do so is imho more of a sign of their f’ed up POV than our own  Another LBS shared with me her opinion from reading years of stories here that it is a bit LBS tortoise compared to MLC hare....for a couple of years it can seem like the MLCer has rushed off to a new magic happy while we are slugging through mud with a bucket on our heads dealing with all the grown up stuff....but, with time, that starts to reverse bc just as the LBS starts to recover and rebuild is often the point when real life consequences tend to show up for the MLCer and that magic happy bucket has some big holes.....

It might feel hard for a while, but try to balance the big scary stuff with the everyday good stuff of life too where you can. Bc life for you and your boys does go on regardless and it can help a lot to notice those things too. Even if they feel really small for a while compared to the big stuff that is not so good. I found taking time each evening to write down three good things from each day that I was grateful for bc it sort of made me notice them amidst the s$itshow....tbh they were pathetically small scraps initially lol but as I kept doing it they got bigger and easier to see 

[lily22]

You're so right Treasur. I'm gonna start writing down 3 things each day.  And you know we're all still here and my boys and I are closer than ever.

Song-and-dance no not legal anything in fact his solicitor said he w as s being too generous and wouldn't noterise it.  I can't go down the legal route yet as the lawyers I've seen all have told me the same thing. It's better to wait him out as financially I will be in a lot of trouble otherwise

[Nas]

his solicitor said he w as s being too generous and wouldn't noterise it.

I’m assuming your husband is the one who told you this. 
I don’t know how they do things in the UK but it’s starting to sound very fishy (and unethical) that so many legal representatives are telling you to basically just sit tight and trust your husband’s word. You have rights, Lily, and I cannot stress enough the importance of looking into them.

[lily22]

Only.one said sit tight until he stopped paying. The other 2 said sell the house and move on..I've explained why that isn't an option for me between affordability and my care duties.
He holds all the cards and he knows it.

[KayDee]

There are a few free services you can make use of - Citizen's Advice is one. They can often help across a range of things, so definitely worth a visit. And a quick google gave me this https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/contacts/child-maintenance-service-northern-ireland " Child Maintenance Service - Northern Ireland  Quote:- The Northern Ireland Child Maintenance Service is responsible for making sure parents living apart from their children contribute financially by paying child maintenance." - I would certainly call them (if you haven't already that is). I think we are all frustrated on your behalf Lily! Non of this seems quite right. ((((hugs)))